Come on Along!

I'm moving

2008-11-06T22:21:00.001-05:00

Well, I'm going to try it out anyhow... I find myself thinking more and more that I give out too much information on this blog. I'm starting another one that's totally anonymous.

SO - if you for some reason want the address for the new blog, feel free to email me at: withoutarulebook at gmail.com (I NEVER said I could come up with short pithy email names!) and I'll send you the link.

Pretty sneaky, I know. But a girls' gotta be careful.

Hope all five of you will come on over! (ok, sometimes there are 10!)

This is the stuff I hate

2008-11-05T20:03:00.001-05:00

I'm sick. Had to leave work early, have fever, upset stomach & generally just feel crappy.

BUT - the kids are with X, and J is away... and actually it's not so bad to be alone. Quiet. Couch and comfy blanket all to myself...

Then... (cue foreboding music) the phone rang............ X. You know, that man just knows.. just has that radar as to when to call.

He asked if I check the kids homework. I said I did. He said that Nathan's teacher asked Max to check Nathan's homework... and that it seems like Nathan has no clue what he's doing. He says: "You think you're a good mother -- but you're not. You sit on the computer. I'm going to ask for custody -- I can bring them to school every morning if I get a car..."

So, there are these two forces at work here... the one thing that yes -- I give the sitter a lot of responsibility with the homework. I do check it over... but I don't talk about it with the kids unless I notice a mistake. X says she is giving Nathan the answers. So... it's something that maybe I'm not the best at. And why does he know that? I mean, if he called & said "You're not talking to your kids" I'd call him on the bullshit... but I can't really with this.

Then, the other part at play is knowing that I have sent homework & work books with the kids to X's house & he has never done them with them. That there are school calendars still stitting in the bottom of the overnight bag... that I don't take out & just keep going back and forth from his place to mine....

And the fact that he is going to get a car?!? With what?!? He's unemployed! He's cut our support checks back by nearly $2000 monthly! TWO THOUSAND.

Max was home with an upset stomach on Monday -- stayed with X -- who took him out for felafel. (He was going to take him out for samosas. Samosas. A nice, bland food....) So -- in reality... do I think that he will get custody -- do I think that he will actually even really TRY to do this. Probably not.

But jeeze. I'm here, by myself...my body aches, my stomach aches, I feel like absolute crap -- and this is what I need to think about?!?!

You know, you think the divorce means that all the shit ends -- but when you have kids it really really never does.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-04T06:56:00.001-05:00

So I spoke to X yesterday. I am going to have the kids for Thanksgiving. It is his turn - but I asked if I could have them. I just cannot bare (bear? I never know that one! Should probably just write "stand".) the thought of not having them with me for this big family holiday. And since he's not American...

But his wife is.

And his Dad is going to be here, too.

But we're going to be in NYC - watching the parade, and Thanksgiving is going to be at my Uncle's apt - on Central Park West -- and J's family is going to be coming, too. (Yep, families are pretty much all blended....)

So I asked X & yesterday he said ok. "Bring them by Thursday night" he said. But he said, his wife said "Does this mean we will never have them for Thanksgiving?" And that really really touched me. I love how she thought about that, and voiced it to him. She wants them to be a family -- she considers my kids part of her family, to have them with her for that holiday. And that's really really cool. I don't feel threatened by that at all.

But *I* want them.

But dontcha know, being me... I feel guilty. See how I take this situation and still manage to over think it & feel guilty about it?

Never a dull moment, being me.

Winning Tuesday: An urgent plea to Obama supporters (Lessig Blog)

2008-11-03T22:29:00.001-05:00

Winning Tuesday: An urgent plea to Obama supporters (Lessig Blog)

Posted using ShareThis

2008-10-29T19:45:00.002-04:00

I feel like I haven't been posting lately. I guess because I haven't felt like posting. I haven't even really been following blogs. I haven't been timely in returning phone calls or emails. It started when I lost my job... and I guess I'm starting to come out of it. SO - the diagnostician in me would say it's probably a low grade depression. That's ok. I'm entitled.

So, J & I have been talking more and more about the Big Move. This summer. I will move into Manhattan. With J. And the boys. I told him I thought we should have a room for his girls (assuming we'll be able to find anything we can afford. He's more the optimist on this front. I prefer to think of myself as the realist....) so they will feel like it's their place, too. It feels funny that we would be setting up a house/home without them included....

I've come to terms with the whole "being the poorest in a rich neighborhood" -- because I think where we'll end up in Manhattan that issue won't be too extreme. And I've also come to terms with the whole diversity/lack of diversity issue. Yes. Queens is decidedly more diverse than Manhattan, no question... but in thinking about it I realized that I grew up on Long Island. A diverse area of Long Island -- but Long Island nonetheless. And my parents were/are not so interested in exploring different cultures. The only ethnic foods we ever went out for were Chinese & Italian. Not even Mexican! And I realized my parents' narrow world view when I worked at a student exchange organization: "Why would they host a Colombian student? They all do drugs." (I'm be embarrassed to admit that somebody I'm related to said that!) And look at me! I grew up interested in learning about different cultures, experiencing different cultures, eating all sorts of foods....

SO - I guess what I"m getting at is.... maybe how I was brought up didn't play SO directly into who I am now. The big picture, sure... but... Who's to say if I brought my kids up here they wouldn't become so overwhelmed with diversity that they join the White Supremacists?! (Ok, not so likely -- but you get my point.)

But, what I still need to process is taking my kids out of their neighborhood. Their school. Their friends. Their Little League. I love their school. It is a small, community school. My dad went today to Nathan's Writing Celebration (neither X nor I could attend) and the assistant principal went up to him -- knew both boys.. was able to talk about them..

Max has already voiced his opposition to moving. And it's so strange.... if you had asked me a few years ago how I would have felt about moving to the Upper West Side of NYC -- where I lived for most of my post-collegiate life -- I would have been all over it... But now....

And I've talked to J about this. Oh yes I have. Because what has started to happen is it's slipping out in little passive aggressive ways... I realized it & figured I really better tell him what's on my mind. He does not want to leave where he is. He spent most of his married life (a good 20 years) compromising. He can't any more. He loves not commuting. He loves the neighborhood. And he tells me: "I will be unhappy there." So I think -- ok -- starting off living together it's better for both of us to be happy. It will not be a hardship for me to live on the UWS. It's the kids. But I know kids are adaptable. And I know my kids are expressive and talk to me...

So I know (I guess) that (ultimately) it will be ok.

But still. (Have you noticed that most of my posts contain those two words?)

You know, just when my life is calming down... something else? I have to move? Uproot my kids? Start them in a new school? They have to adjust to not seeing their dad during the week (probably), new friends, neighborhood, etc, etc.

I just want stuff to be easy!!

Yes, I know - it really never is. And I tell myself... it's better for all of us to be together, that that outweighs the difficulty of the transition and the adjustment.

But you know - you'll be reading lots about all of this -- that's for sure! (And hey -- a move would make really good blog fodder, wouldn't it?!? So maybe that's a plus, too!)

It's Been a while...

2008-10-26T22:09:00.001-04:00

Ohmygoodness. I'm not even really sure where to begin. I've had all these blot posts floating around in my head forever... and now they seem so outdated!

I've had a bit of a reality check with X. You know, he's annoying, frustrating, aggravating, etc, etc, etc. BUT - my new supervisor is currently going through a divorce. And wow. Was I and am I lucky. There are whole other worlds of pain you can go through.

And when we took Nathan for a blood test last week - X came. And I used his wife's insurance. And the woman who took the insurance info was so impressed. "His wife?" and "He's here, too?!"

And when X didn't let me into his apartment when I went to pick the boys up to bring them to Hebrew School (don't ask) & I spoke to him about it the next day. I asked: "What sort of message do you think it sends to them?" And he stopped. And he thought about it. And we talked about it. And I thought, you know... he's a dick... but...

So. My new job.

I started last Monday, so I've been there one full week. I think it will be good. Except -- my new supervisor (who is great, really) is, as I mentioned, going through a (rough) divorce. She has two kids (4 & 7) and has just been promoted to supervisor. Remember how I wasn't sure how *I* wanted to be a supervisor with just all *I* have on my plate... Well. This woman is a ball of stress. And I so, so, so feel for her. And I so, so, so know where she is and what she's going through.

But.

She's so busy & stressed that I really have to focus her to find out what I need to do. And it gets me stressed (collateral stressage?).

But - It's so cool! I mean, I've never even really worked with people who have kids! Now I'm with a woman who is a single mom, two kids.... It's like we speak the same language! It's really wild.

I'm sure it will even out. It's only been one week. AND..... the BEST part: It's SO CLOSE to where I live! 3 miles! 40 minutes by subway! I drop the kids off at the bus in the morning - it picks them up 8:20 - 8:30 & I'm there. On time! I was so worried about it I actually did two test runs - one via bus and one via subway! PLUS - my new supervisor lives nearby & can drive me home sometimes. AND, she says if I need a lift there I can call her. AND, Max & her son know each other from day camp last summer. AND Max & her son want to meet to talk about divorce!! Can you believe that?!?! She told her son about Max -- and he said he would like to talk to him. I told Max & he nodded his head sagely..."Maybe he could email me." (Just like his mom!)

My sitter is back - with her one month old baby! It's so great to hold an infant... to see an infant. And she's so calm about it! It was raining her first day & she has to walk with him - in the Baby Bjorn - to pick the boys up! I call her: "How will you do this?!?" and she just replies "Ummm..... with an umbrella?" Oh. Right. I'll stop now.

So, I guess that's kinda it for now.... Gotta go catch up on my blog READING now. Really fallen behind with that, too..

Forgiveness

2008-10-09T19:11:00.002-04:00

So today is Yom Kippur. My family are at synagogue & I am home. I did not fast. I woke up with the migraine from hell. I'm taking the three month birth control... so you get your period once every three months... EXCEPT they forget to tell you that when you get it... well... I don't want to venture into TMI... but suffice to say I'm not sure if the every three month deal is really worth it.

BUT - Yom Kippur is supposed to be about forgiveness. So I've been thinking about this a lot. You know, I've never done anything I've ever regretted. You know, when I was "younger" it was always "no regrets." Sure I've done things I feel a bit uncomfortable about -- that were poor judgement -- but never anything that I've ever really just not been able to get over. To forgive myself for.

Except, for what happened this summer. With my client. With the video. You know, a holiday like this brings on some soul searching... and I'm really realizing how big this was. With me. For me. To me. And who do I ask for forgiveness? The woman? She doesn't know. She doesn't realize. My colleagues? You know, they've pretty much forgiven me. And the ones who haven't... well... you know -- I was just remembering another former colleague of ours. She had been fired for stealing money from a client. I remember people -- co workers talking about her. Bad mouthing her. I said to them: "You know, she was a friend. We don't know her side. We don't know what drove her to do this. We shouldn't put her down until we really know. We don't have to agree with what she did -- but this was out of character & we shouldn't bad mouth her so..."

Well, the people I know who are not "nice" to me now -- are the same ones then. So I know I shouldn't be surprised.

And my supervisors... well... I don't know. I just don't know.

But ultimately -- I know -- I have to forgive myself. But it's so huge... this. And today, in synagogue... talking about forgiving - and I feel my eyes tear up. A rabbi sends an email. It says: 1) Acknowledge the sin and apologize.
2) Repair the damage or compensate the victim.
3) Don’t repeat the offense in the same or similar situation

1) I do. 2) I can't. 3) I won't.

But still.

I ask my therapist -- how long do you think before I get over this? She says: "Getting fired is hard enough to get over... this is a bit more. Give it time." And I understand what she says.

But still.

The search

2008-10-01T12:58:00.002-04:00

So, I've gone on about four interviews. The first one, for the supervisor's position at the nursing home I pretty much screwed up. Panicked when they asked for references. Babbled. Gave out too much information. But, I've come to peace with that (I guess) -- it was my first interview & I really was just not ready for that to come up. Hadn't prepared for it. Never in my life been in the situation where I could possibly have a bad reference.

This is something that's going to take a while to heal. No, I'm not beating myself up... but it was a big screw up on my part & the repercussions will be felt for a while. (Over dramatic much?)

Had another interview at an agency that works with blues & jazz musicians. Pretty cool, huh? I googled it & found out about the exec director who would be interviewing me. Found out she has kids. So, when I did the phone interview with her I took a chance. I said: "I have to go at 2:30, I have to pick up my kids." It worked. She asked about them, then she realized that I went to grad school while they were still young. She was impressed. She totally wanted to meet me. Based on that.

I met with her and another social worker. She asked me: (and this is not a usual question either -- and one that I usually would not answer... but...) "Are you a single mom?" I said I was. She said "I am, too - and so is she!" (Pointing to other social worker.) And I tell you - for the first time ever this worked. The single mom thing was not seen as a negative... but as a positive.

When I sent her the thank you email she said how much she liked me -- but how they need to diversify the office. Ok. I understand. There were NO African Americans working in an agency that deals primarily with African Americans. Even I noticed that when I went in for the interview.

But, the next day they called. Please come in for a try out. I did. When I got there nobody really knew what I was supposed to do. I listened in on some of the social work calls & made a call... but it was strange.

The day after I received an email from the Assistant: "my colleagues have decided to go with somebody else." Colleagues?! WTF? Whatever.

Got calls for three more interviews.

Went to one last Friday - at an SRO for formerly homeless seniors. A well respected agency. I think they'll call me back for a second interview.

Then this past Monday I went on an interview at a NORC here in Queens. In Woodside. Close by. It was pretty much the same job I had before & the director was estactic! I said "yep, there's pretty much no learning curve." and I think that clinched it.

I spoke to her today & they're offering me the job, contingent on HR checking my references. Checking. My. References. I know the agency policy is that the supervisor can't talk to people calling for references -- and that HR can only give "name, rank, serial number." But - I'm scared.

So I guess I kinda have a job. A job offer. Have to give them the reference info... The salary isn't the sky high nursing home supervisor salary -- but it's pretty much exactly the same as what I earned before. And it's closer. And I feel it's a nice, laid back environment -- that will be family friendly. So that's good. It's right by the #7 subway train - so easy to get to from the city (to stay & J's & when we move....) so that's good, too.

I should feel happy, but all I feel are butterflies.

The Job

2008-09-24T11:09:00.001-04:00

Sigh

2008-09-16T23:13:00.005-04:00

I've been unemployed for a bit more than a month. I've been on three job interviews (two for the same job) so I've really been doing ok. Especially given this economy.

But damn - it's so disheartening.

I went on an interview today & I KNEW they really liked me. I liked them. I sent a "Thank You" email a bit ago and got this response:

"it will be a while this process, but you are terrific. We are hoping to diversify our staff so not sure how it will play out but we will definitely keep you in mind. I'll let you know We are trying someone out who interviewed weeks ago and I'll let you know how it works out after about 2 weeks, In the mean time, stay wonderful and we'll let you know what happens.

Your energy and your heart are just beautiful. " So Ok. That's actually not a horrible rejection. But it is nonetheless -- especially since I felt like they were ready to offer me the job right then and there. I have to work on not getting SO excited. J says I'm negative, but I think it's easier to be that way -- that way I don't get disappointed....

And the 2nd interview? (Went last Thursday.) Haven't heard back from them yet, and as far as I know they haven't even contacted my references. I wouldn't be that anxious -- except I really feel like I messed up the interview. When she asked for references instead of just saying "sure" I said "oh, well, my supervisor can't give references... company policy... it has to go through HR -- but I have co-workers who can give..." She looked at me -- with a new look. "Oh" she said "I'd really like to talk to a supervisor. You mean she won't talk to me on the phone?"

And to make matters worse, when I sent her my list of references I just gave her the phone number to the main office: HR. Didn't even give her my supervisor's name.

I just panicked.

J has coached me since: "Don't give more info than they ask for.... you have references -- just give them." He's right.

So, I have this feeling of dread about this job. I won't get it.

And yes, I've only been unemployed for a month - and have been on two interviews... but....

This whole thing just sucks.

Ok. Done feeling sorry for myself.

Because I like to make things MORE complicated...

2008-09-14T21:06:00.002-04:00

I went on a job interview Sept 8th. It went well. They called me back & I went for a 2nd interview -- just this past Thursday. I can assume that went well too, since they asked for my references.

Great, right?

C'mon guys, this is me -- you know things can't just be simple! You know I can't just NOT think and NOT over think and not THINK some more.

The position I went in to interview for originally was for a social worker position. The position I interviewed for at the second interview was a social work supervisor position. I knew the supervisor position was available, but specifically did NOT apply for it. I didn't (don't?) want it. I have enough going on in my life, I have to have a flexible schedule -- I can't do this now.

So, when the Director of Social Work started to tell me about the job I said "This is the Social Worker position?" And she replied "no - it's the supervisor. The other one is already filled."

(Cue internal panic.)

But, as she was telling me about the job I actually started to get excited. I started to think: "Hey, I could do this. I could enjoy this." PLUS - the salary would probably be a good 10-20 thousand more than I made before. Think about that. Ponder it. Let it stew. (Disclaimer: Before you think that this will be a huge salary -- remember: I. Am. A. Social Worker. There's no such thing.)

Then she says "Well, there might be one or two late days.... if there is an emergency or some thing..." And I panic again. I can't do that.

She asks for my references. I tell her my supervisor is not allowed to give a reference -- only HR -- but that I have co-workers and others who will give references. She looked at me, I felt, somewhat askance.. but what could I do?

I now find myself in the strange, and yet not so unusual for me, position of worrying that I will get the job AND worrying that I won't get the job.

It's hard being me, no?

So Now....

2008-09-08T22:21:00.002-04:00

I'm a stay at home mom.

This is a new thing. I mean, I've been at home before, for vacations, when I was at school and off for the summer.... but there's always been a sitter in the background -- one that we could NOT let go even though I was off... because you KNOW how hard it is to find a good sitter....

But now it's solo mio.

And the place is a mess.

It's actually more than just a mess, it's dirty. And I know what it is: I feel like I have all the time in the world to do it. If I don't feel like cleaning today... no worries -- I'll have time tomorrow in between sending out resumes and studying for the licensing exam. (Yes, I'm finally doing that.)

When I worked I didn't do too much around the house - only the bare minimum. "I'm too tired" I'd tell myself. Or "I should use this time to spend quality time with the boys, not cooking in the kitchen." BUT - now I'm home all the time and I'm not cleaning and I'm sure as shit not cooking. So I've totally blown that excuse! I have the time now! Too much of it! And I'm STILL not doing it!!

Also, because nobody is coming into the house... no sitters... there's really nobody to clean up for. So this is it. This is me. The real dusty, dirty, toys all over the place, chicken nuggets, fish sticks me.

Nice that I'm able to use this time for some useful soul searching and personal exploration.

And, please allow me to discuss the Playground. Now, I've taken my kids to the playground before, of course I have. But honestly, I guess... I haven't been there alone with the two of them when they've been this old. We've gone with friends. Play dates. Whatever.

So. Friday after school the kids asked if they could stop at the playground right near the school. Most of their friends were there. I said sure. We go up & the first thing I notice is... all these kids running around but there seemed to be no supervision. Parents sitting, talking and kids running! Wild! Wild I tell you!! (Deep breath.)

So. I park myself right near where my kids are hitting tennis balls against a wall with a bunch of their friends. One of the boys runs down to the ice cream truck and comes up with five boxes of candy cigarettes. All the boys circle the one with the cigarettes. He hands them out like a dealer. Then, a la The Sharks and The Jets there are these gangs of boys with little white cigarettes hanging out of their mouths.

So. What did I do? Did I look calmly over at them and think to myself: "I ate those when I was a kid."? Pah! You know I didn't.

"BOYS!! BOYS!! I do NOT want you standing there with those... those THINGS hanging out of your mouths!!'

(Blank stares.)

"NO! REALLY! BOYS! If you must have them, then chew them! I don't want to see those things hanging out of your mouths!!!"

(I'm SO cool!)

I call my friend. "Am I a freak?" She confirms that yes, I am. But I say: "How can I sit here and look at them with these fake cigarettes hanging out of their mouths! And WHERE are all the other parents?!?"

They are wisely NOT looking.

The kids co-opt scooters and are now literally all over the playground. So, I (kind of) give up and sit on a bench.

We leave. I mention the cigarettes to them as we're walking back & Max stops and looks at me: "Mom. I would never smoke. This is just candy. I know smoking is bad, and stupid... we were just having fun. And besides, you told me that you ate those when you were a kid!"

This parenting thing. Unfortunately there is a huge learning curve.

2008-09-07T15:21:00.000-04:00

September begins...

2008-09-02T11:41:00.002-04:00

... with a migraine. What's that all about?

Brought the kids in for their first day of school - they were nervous but not too bad. (Not sure if I should be admitting this, but....) we did next to nothing academic over the summer. I don't know, I feel like they have so much over the school year that the summer is just the summer... But I think it started them off a bit more anxious this year; so I might re-think it for next.

Nathan has the same teacher Max had for the past two years. Not so sure how I feel about that, since I wasn't so crazy about her -- but Nathan was happy... so....

I waited over an hour to find out bus information, only to find out I didn't need any information. It was the same as last year -- that's why they didn't send me anything. Oh. I see. And you were going to tell me this when?

Called X. Told him about my job. His contract ends the end of this month -- so if neither of us find anything we will both be out of work. That's comforting. Relaxing. Calming. Soothing, even. (You can't see all the hairs on my body standing on end!)

I told him that this Sunday is the first day of... say it with me now... Hebrew School. Yes campers - we're back to that time of year again. And of course, for their first day (they both go this year) X has them. Dontcha know that's the way things always work out. I'm so sick to death of this whole thing. So, I said: "It's their first day." and ever reasonable and willing to talk about things he said: "They're not going." (Should I just re post my post from last year?) I said "It's the first day - they need to go... it's when books are handed out, kids meet each other..."

And he goes (and get this - it's good) "well, I like to take them on day trips over the weekend. I love my time with them." I asked him (trying not to sound too incredulous) if he really takes them on THAT many "day trips"? (Day trips?!?!?) He conceded that he didn't , but "what would the kids rather do? Sit in a Hebrew School classroom or play with their Dad?" You of course know that I did not even dignify that with an answer! Of COURSE my children would rather sit, read, learn Torah, Hebrew, sing songs, do art projects... than go outside and play!! Who wouldn't?!? (Banging head on wall.)

So, the end up was - as usual - I'm not going to fight him (too much) re: Hebrew School... I'll just talk to the kids' teachers & in the end they will have to say to him "Dad - I can't miss that much - I have to learn for my Bar Mitzvah..." which will hopefully happen. Or else they'll have to make up the work elsewhere. BUT - I told him they have to go this Sunday. I mean, come on.

He's all about wanting to spend time with them -- he was away for a week & doesn't contact them. Doesn't call them last night before their first day, or this morning?!? I mean, it's great to want to play with them every other weekend... but... talking to them about their first day of school nerves? That's the real stuff.

Ok. Enough. Off to get another Advil...

Just another day

2008-08-30T16:44:00.002-04:00

Scene: My parents' house. I'm downstairs on computer, kids upstairs watching tv.

Max: (comes into computer room) Mom, you know too much computer is bad for you.

Me: You know too much tv is bad for you.

Max: Touche.

=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=

Touche!!! My son said touche, in an appropriate and funny context! It's so cool! I love how they develop these senses of humor..... and I can laugh at jokes my kids make!

So. Cool!

touche! Hee, hee!

Butterflies.

2008-08-27T12:15:00.002-04:00

I wake up every morning with butterflies. Anxiety. Nerves. Sometimes anxiety is good: It gets you motivated and moving. And some times... it's not. You sit. Stare. Your kids call you. You say: "Just a minute." and you sit & stare. They start counting to sixty... "59... 60! A minute's up! Come on!" (Who taught them to be so literal?)

I'm doing stuff. I mean, I'm not entirely immobile -- catatonia has not entirely set in -- but given my druthers? Sitting. Staring. Curled up in little ball under covers in my bed.

I've sent out three resumes and have had two phone calls back. One is for a position in Far Rockaway... and while I'm sure it's a great job -- the commute is about two hours. I've been playing phone tag with the woman... but honestly I'm not even sure I want to go out there just for an interview! I have a job interview on Friday. (I know, you're saying stuff is happening -- why is she so anxious?)And, this place actually offered me a position about three years ago. A position for a lot of money (relative to social workdom) but I really loved my job... so... didn't take it.

I emailed the supervisor when I saw the position was available & they called me back. So, I suppose they're not too upset I turned them down before.

So why am I so anxious? I don't know. I really don't.

I went suit shopping today. With Nathan. (Max is with J @ the US Open -- J had an extra ticket!) He sat outside the dressing room playing with my flip flops & his toy dragon head (don't ask) & complained constantly.

But you know -- I've felt like I've gained so much weight & I'm still a 6 petite skirt at Ann Taylor. I am, certainly, the heaviest I've been since pregnant. And yes, I used to be a size 2 or 4... But. It was good to put things in a bit of perspective & kind of be forced to see that I'm not as big as I think I am.

Now back to the space staring.

Where I'm at.

2008-08-26T07:17:00.004-04:00

That's a good question. Not too sure. I know I'm at a better place than I was three weeks ago.

The vacation was -- at risk of exaggeration -- one of my best vacations ever. Our Brady Bunch situation worked out perfectly. All six of us in the three bedroom apartment... and we all worked. I'm sure it's made easier by the fact that J's girls are so much older than my boys -- so there's no direct competition. But still. They disciplined my kids when and where it was needed & not once did I hear my boys say: "You're not the boss of me!" But accept it & move on. Comfortable that it came from a good place. AND J's daughter even once referred to my kids as her "Step-brothers." (!!!!!!!!)

J came with me back into NYC -- to my office - to clean off my desk. I have to say, I was a mess. It was not a good day. BUT - I got to see some of my co-workers, and get more affirmation that they felt the punishment far, far out weighed the crime... so that helped a bit with the processing.

We had people over almost every night, went kayaking, biking, I did lots of reading, am the tannest I think I've ever been... and ate well.

We had the ultimate luxury for an apartment dweller: washer/dryer and dishwasher. And, let me tell you - the amount of clothes, dishes, and food used by six people? NOT insignificant. So in that sense, those appliances were NOT luxury items!

Between J and his girls we had three lap tops there -- and while it felt strange to me to have a computer on vacation (I've historically left all that behind when I've been away...) it was comforting to have -- to apply for unemployment, to start the job search, etc.

I have begun the job search -- although I have to get a new "interview outfit". My old one (you know, black skirt, white shirt, black jacket....) probably does not fit anymore & honestly, I've worn it so much I'm just kinda sick of it. (Like I never ever ever even want to look at it again. Even thinking about it gives me the willies!)

I'm a bit panicked about health insurance. I know I have cobra -- but that will be about $800 a month. (EIGHT HUNDRED A MONTH!!) I talked to my mom & when she asked if I needed help with anything I mentioned that. I might be able to play the Cobra waiting game (where you're covered even if you don't pay for it -- then pay retroactively if you need it) but it's comforting to know it's there if I need it. I'm behind the eight ball financially -- since X has been contributing less due to his changing job situation.

I haven't told X yet. He's in a bad place. When I last talked to him his affect was flat. He's overwhelmed. He's worried about his own job, feels like he spent too much on his wedding.... etc, etc (You know, X stuff...). But I know the signs. It's amazing how when I hear him talk like that *I* get nervous. I tell myself, I'm not married to him anymore... but when he gets into these moods it's when he gets mean.

X and his wife came over for the day --to Long Beach -- bringing the kids back from a weekend with them. I like his wife. I feel for her. I asked her: "You grew up religious, did you not want to have a religious wedding? " She talked about not wanting to do the pre-cana... (sorry, not sure how that's spelled!) & I could hear X's voice. The same with how she kept saying "Well, you know, I'm too old for a big wedding, I didn't really want one...". You know that expression: Methinks thou dost protest too much? Yep. I so wanted to say to her: "It's ok. You can be a good, a caring person -- you can be nice & still have your needs! You can advocate for yourself and for what you want/deserve too!" (Who says therapy does not bring results?!?) But I can't. I will offer myself, though, if I notice her seeming unhappy. Sisterhood.

So, I'm waiting a while to tell him -- probably once school starts. He has had four interviews for a great job (please, keep your fingers crossed!) and if he gets that things will be much easier for all of us. (Financially and mentally.)

So, I guess that's it for now. I'm going out to my parents with my kids from Thursday through the weekend - then school starts. Another year.

And I leave you with an updated Plankton slide show. The fun never ends.

The Travels of Plankton

2008-08-25T12:31:00.002-04:00

Or should I say the Travails! My sister got me a Plankton doll about a week ago -- since I always say he's my favorite Sponge Bob character. Since then I've taken him with me everywhere.... And documented it.

And had way, way too much fun!

Left unsupervised...

2008-08-08T12:59:00.002-04:00

Last night I had a dream about visiting this woman who lived down the block from my parents. She was a senior citizen. She was somebody who meant a lot to me. I was telling people they should visit her. Meet her.

I woke up, suddenly remembered the dream & started hyperventilating.

Good morning, world!

I went to my shrink today & she gave me some really good perspective. We talked about the woman I took the video of, how I felt about her.. the whole process that led up to my posting her video. I told shrink how it was almost like I was in another world -- until somebody kind of woke me up & said "Hey - you're not supposed to do that!" I just didn't see it.

I told her how that last visit had meant so much to me. How I had told my supervisor how I wanted to visit this client on my own. How I had told J that I want us to visit her. How I had these kind of day dreams about visiting her with my kids... introducing them to her.. And Shrink said: "She became family. Your supervisor should have caught this transference. It's really very common for social workers in their first five years of working. When you said you wanted to visit her your supervisor should have focused you back to that. WHY do you want to visit her? You lost perspective. Got carried away with your caring. You took her video, posted it - like she was a member of your family - you thought of her like that & lost the client/sw perspective"

Oh.

My therapist is a social worker. She understands what I did was wrong... but she can see it from the "clinical" perspective. She said to me "Your supervisors did not. They saw it from the "administrative" viewpoint." She understood why I was fired, but thought the punishment was much more extreme than it needed to be. "They were just looking out for the agency." She said.

And I talked about how I was so involved with this case... I was the only one. The only one who cared for her, paid her bills, followed her medical care, was trying so desperately to get her to be able to live at home... And really -- what I can see NOW is that yes -- I needed MUCH more supervision with this. It was a lot. I'm not that seasoned. I needed somebody to pull me back & give me more perspective.

So it was good. Today. I really want to get away from blaming myself for this. THREE people -who are unrelated, do not know each other, talk to each other, etc, etc - said to me: "Stop beating yourself up!" When the third person said it I stopped. "Oh. You're the third person to say that to me.... Hmmm...." Don't need to tell ME something four times! Oh no! Three is quite enough, thank you!

So, this morning I grieved for the clients I won't get to see any more. The ones I didn't get to say good-bye to, the ones who will wonder what happened to me, worry about me, and... dare I say it... miss me.

I am going to be aware of all this from now on. My boundaries. Transference. And hopefully just grow from it. I'll allow myself a bit more time to process, to feel the loss, to regroup... but then I'll (hopefully be able to) move on.

Stuff just always happens, doesn't it?

My Surreal Life

2008-08-07T09:17:00.002-04:00

When my alarm went off this morning.. I couldn't open my eye. Not that "I'm so tired, I can't open my eyes" feeling -- but physically. I could not open them. They were swollen.

Then I remembered.

Was it a dream?

A nightmare.

I was fired.

Yep

It still seems so unreal to me... I came into work yesterday, got busily to it since I'm going to be away on vacation from Friday the 8th until Monday the 25th. My supervisor calls: "New situation. People upset. Agency upset. We have to meet.& talk about this video. "But, but" I said "I thought you said you understood? That mistakes happen. That it was good that I rectified it..." And she was all "yes, but I was distracted when I was talking to you -- and I told my boss... and now it's gone all the way up the food chain.

Oh.

And then I knew. I told the woman I share an office with & she says: "You won't be fired. You made a mistake, you owned up to it - you might get a suspension." I talked to an old co-worker -- "You won't get fired... maybe just a suspension..." But. I knew.

So, fast forward to 3:30 yesterday. Meeting with my supervisor, division head and Director of HR. I told them: "Yes, I made a mistake,but... explained how I had been so involved with the client, so happy to see she was doing well, wanted to save the moment, naively thought that other people would see/appreciate it the way I did. That they would see it/take it in the same sense as I did. That I felt that you could not see the client's face, and I used no identifying information. (As I can tell from the comment on one of my earlier posts... that's not the case.) and once I 'snapped out of it' took the video right down. There was absolutely positively no malicious intent.

But - in the end - what it came down to was the Agency. Protecting itself. I took an agency client, took her photo, and put it on the Internet. No matter who - if anybody - saw it or not. That's a liability. Period. End of story.

I said "But I always thought, was always taught, that if a person makes a mistake - that if there was no malicious intent.. that it was forgiven. A mistake." Nope. I said "What about all the good I've done? I love this job. I love this Agency." Nope. I said "You know, this agency has no soul. What about the people? I thought we are a social work agency?" Nope.

They gave me a letter. They took my ID. They took my keys. They told me my health insurance will last until the end of the month. (Which is when I lost it - I cover the kids X is on Cobra....) and I'll get paid for my vacation days.

My supervisor walked me back to my desk - to clean it out. But when I got there I realized I have too much stuff. I said I'll have to come back another day. I thought I would go back today.. but you know.. I can't. I'll go back. With J. Next week.

And J. J.... I know some of you remember other times I've lost a job.. or been job hunting.... and how X was. Yelling. Berating. Even after we split. Even though he's been fired from more jobs than I can count. But J. Calm. Supportive. Came over last night. Took one of my bills to pay. (Took one of my bills to pay!) "We will get through this. Together. You will be fine." I've never had that. I've never had the luxury of really being able to feel sad & voice it. To feel... supported.. taken care of... I mean - ok - I have my parents who are always there & I've always felt their support... But this. Being in this team. The way it's supposed to be...

So I had a pretty bad night last night. Cried a lot. Walked around like a zombie a lot. Today I'm here by myself. Kids at camp. They are over at X's tonight & tomorrow X gets married & we leave for Long Beach. I'm feeling pretty down... and I know that's normal. It's funny 'cause it used to be my regular state of being - with X. And I realized I haven't felt this way in a really long time. (Can't say I've missed it!)

I'll get through this.

And my kids. You know, my kids are my saviors. They make me smile. They're doing so well.. they make me feel so good. Today is their last day of camp & it has been such a summer of growth for them. You know, Nathan began the summer not wanting to go into the pool at all -- now it's his favorite activity. AND -- he wants to take swimming lessons over the school year! And Max doesn't! It's the First Time Nathan wants to do something that Max said No to. The first time. He always follows his big brother...

Ahhh... so - this coming year (because, well, I always seem to count the years from the start of the school year...) will be good. Different. But good.

Ok

2008-08-05T13:14:00.002-04:00

I guess I'm just to open and honest in general. When I post about mistakes I made I guess I don't expect to be told that yes, I did. I know that. I've gone through it. I ruined my weekend because of it.

But I understand - if I put my life out in public I will get opinions.. and they are that -- opinions. It's up to me how I react to them.

I have to think if I feel up to putting my real life mistakes out there -- especially ones I already feel so crappy about.

Post is down.

Gotta think.

I made a mistake

2008-08-05T09:52:00.004-04:00

OK - I'm putting this back. With the disclaimer -- with the feeling -- that I have to explain myself a bit more. Only about 10-15 people saw the video, and most of those were people I know or know the client. I understand that my intent in showing that video is/was not clear to some people... and I just have to say that that is the kind of person I am. I show videos of my kids. I share photos. Things that are important and meaningful to me -- I like to share.

Yes, I made a mistake - it happens. I learned.
-=-=-=-=

Not sure if any of you saw... but last week I had posted a fifteen second video of one of my clients -- taken with my phone while visiting her in the nursing home. I felt that you couldn't see her face - so that it was safe to post it. I had uploaded it to YouTube, emailed it to a few people who knew her - and posted on facebook.

I figured - about 10 people (more or less) look at this blog every day & it's only my friends on Facebook. So it's closed.

Yeah.

Right.

Friday morning I get into work & there's a voice mail message from one of my co-workers who I had emailed the video to. "It's a HIPPA violation. It's a confidentiality violation. You could be fired!" I took it down.

I called her up. She was all: Client can't give consent to have picture taken because doesn't have capacity, it's exploitative, it looked like you were doing this art project on YouTube... don't you know people can take the video, change it - email it... client looked disheveled. Why would you do this?

And I was in shock.

It so was not my intention.

I went to the NH & saw this client there.... and she looked so good... was doing so well -- and I wanted to remember her. I wanted to share her. I took these videos that showed her personality - and wanted to share it here because it was important to me. Meaningful. The same reason why I wanted to email it to these people.. who I thought felt the same way about her. I thought they'd be so appreciative... to have the video... to see her - to have the memory of how she is/was.

I felt awful. I felt awful that collegues would think this of me -- that it was construed this way. And I felt awful that I really did breach social work ethics. And I was worried. What should I do? Tell my supervisor? What if somebody else had seen it? Did something with it? I went through this blog and deleted every post having to do with clients/work... Because you know, I work in a very very close community. People all know each other & each other's business. They have grown up here, known each other & their families all their lives. If I mention anything & somebody from down here reads it -- chances are they will be able to figure out who it is I'm blogging about.

Could I really be fired?

I was a wreck.

I texted a woman I used to work with. We had shared an office & became very good friends and even though she's younger than me, has been a social worker a good deal longer. I told her what happened & the first thing she said was "Anybody who knows you knows you have a good heart and would never do anything intentional to hurt a client." Which made me feel good. And made me wonder why these other collegues who had seen it had automatically thought the worst. (They explained it as "feeling protective of the client.....")

I talked to her & she said that everybody breaks ethics every once in a while. It's a learning experience. I did this with my heart, not my head... And that she really doubted I'd be fired. She reminded me that , the co-worker I had originally spoken to had a bit of a history of hystrionics...

So yesterday I called my supervisor & told her: "I made a mistake and I fixed it." And explained what happened. And you know... I pretty much worried all weekend about this (because I never over think or over worry about stuff) and she said: "Ok. You made a mistake. Thanks for telling me. You thought with your people hat - no social worker hat. It happens."

Omigod.

After all that worrying.

But I do have to think about how I'm going to write about work stuff... and it made me think about how with this blogging, facebook, you tube, twitter.. how so much of your life is out there... and it almost becomes second nature. Kind of freaked me out a bit. I like the fact that not a lot of people read this. It's FINE with me. But I like the community of it - I like the people I have met & am meeting...

But I have to think about all of this.

So

2008-08-04T07:41:00.003-04:00

If your favorite baggy linen pants fray in the crotch you're allowed to patch them, right?

But what if those SAME pants become a wee bit threadbare on the left side (where you carry a bag & it probably rubs against it?) And say there's a HOLE on the left hip side? And say your SKIN shows through that hole...

Can you patch them again? (From the inside. THe tailor does it. Same color... [obviously])

Or do you call it a day?

I love those pants.

ETA - And WHAT IF these pants are one of the lucky few that STILL fit due to your explosive weight gain? (Just getting dressed. NOTHING fits! Augh!)

2008-07-29T06:14:00.002-04:00

A while back I wrote about how I had been feeling cranky - PMS'y nearly all the time. Nearly three weeks out of each month. Plus having these awful monthly migraines. Plus numerous other wonderful things happening to this growing (oh yes, growing - but that's another post!) body. I thought that maybe it was the dreaded perimenapause. It can start as early as your late thirties (oh, those lucky, lucky women!) I had gone to my doctor and she said that Prozac was the drug of choice for PMS. I was a bit unsure, but she put me on 10 mg. It made no discernible change, so I took myself off.

Flash forward to June of this year. I'm still feeling it. And J. He's asking me: "Why do you always seem so angry at me?" And it's true. It's like I look for things to yell at him for! "What! You didn't replace the cotton balls! You don't love me!" And I'm telling you, this doesn't just happen the day or two before I get my period -- it will happen two - three weeks before. And J? Hates confrontation. Hates anger. Hates yelling. While I will yell, get it out & move on... it impacts him more. So it was really having an impact (use that word much?) on our "quality of life." He mentions how he's worried that we fight so much. (Personally? I don't see what we do as "fight" more like "bicker" - and that doesn't concern me. But I guess it's subjective.)

I go to my GP again & tell her. This is horrible. I really feel like PMS so much of the month. Can't concentrate, have PMS brain, emotional, cranky (ok, bitchy). She again mentions the Prozac & says that 10 mg was not enough. "Let's try 20 she says." I said that I was thinking of talking to my OB & changing my birth control - maybe the hormones I'm getting are changing my moods... She said: "Let's try both. Start with the 20 mg & call me in a few weeks. If need be we'll raise you to 40."

Then I went to my OB/GYN & talked to her. She said "You're on hormonal birth control. You have an 'artificial period' you should not even be having PMS. You don't ovulate." Huh?!?! But... but... I feel it. I feel my body change. I feel my moods change. Really. Truly. It's concrete. I know my body. She looks baffled. She says: "Ok, let's try you on the Seasonique - you'll get your period once every three months. Lets see what happens."

So. Let me tell you what happens.

I feel great.

I don't know what's in this Prozac. This happy pill. But man. Last month? Just a touch of the PMS feeling, a week before. A bit of moodiness, but deal- able. Regular PMS. And perhaps I should give it another month before I start claiming The Great Cure... but damn. I've just been feeling so good.

And that makes me feel weird.

I mean. I know I wasn't "depressed" before. I'm a social worker. I know the symptoms. So it freaks me out, a bit, that I feel so good now.

And I know it's not just the magic pill. I know it's because it makes me calmer = happier = J happier = my kids happier = me happier. So it all kind of goes in a big circle.

And it feels good to feel good.

And I'm the first person to suggest to a client that it's ok to go on meds - that if it gives relief, improves your quality of life... why not?

But why do I feel so guilty? So illicit? So artificial? Like this isn't a "real" happy.. it's from the pill... and that's not good.

Ugh.

You'd think I could just relax & enjoy finally being a bit calmer & not so tense, irritable all the time... Butcha know. The thinking. The over thinking. The over over thinking.

I wonder if there's a pill that makes people Just Let Things Be.

Like, Omigod!

2008-07-21T23:25:00.002-04:00

I've been reading the post BlogHer blog posts.... and... well.... I feel like I'm back in high school! I'm having all these flashbacks, and am finding that many of these posts actually make me feel very uncomfortable. The gossip. The inuendo.

What is it about women? Do we all always have to hyper-analyze everything?

I hope to read something good about it -- but thus far it seems that only the conference about Just Posts was the one thing everybody can agree on.

Just had to get that off my chest. It's all too weird.

A Four Hour Tour

2008-07-19T06:50:00.003-04:00

Well, it seems that X is really getting married. August 8th. He & his fiance invited J & I to the wedding celebration, but we'll be leaving for our summer vacation in Long Beach that day. (Did I mention we're going on vacation? Two weeks! We rented a house in Long Beach for all six of us!) But, I later found out that .... well... X really just invited me for free child care for the boys.

Because.

The wedding celebration is going to be dinner. On a boat. From 7-11 pm. Imagine if you will.... my boys... trapped. On a boat. For four hours. At night. (Sounds like something out of Go Dog, Go!)

But, when I spent the day with X last Wednesday - for summer camp visiting day - we came up with a solution. Nothing like planning your X's wedding day with your X. (Although I have to say, it really did NOT feel at all strange.)

He and his fiance really want the kids to be there. They really want to have them join in on the celebration. So. X asked me: "What would you do?" I said: "I'd have a brunch." He's all "no, really - what would you do?." And again I respond - I'd have a brunch. Then he goes: "But [fiance] wants a dinner -- if you had to have a dinner -- what would you do? Would you have the boys there?" And I respond (enjoying this way, way too much) "But I would never get myself into that situation! I'd just start off having a brunch." (Passive aggressive much?) I relent. I ask him: What does fiance want? He said that fiance really want's them there, but then every once in a while wonders what it could be like if they demand a lot of attention...and even though they would hire a sitter to stay with them.... one cranky child can really change a dynamic.

I agree.

So, I help him plan - what I think he might do is this: They are getting married @ City Hall that morning, then going for photos in Central Park. The boys will be with them, definitely for that part. Then I tell him - just all go out for a fun fancy ice cream filled lunch. Go to Serendipity. Tell the boys it's the family celebration. Make it a big deal. Then tell them you'll take them on a boat another time. They don't need to go to the "grown-up" celebration, because it really will be too much for them & fiance should not have to worry about how they'll be...

So, we'll see.

And you know, spending the day with him wasn't too bad. We had one tense moment talking about Hebrew School (Oy.) but that was it. It was nice to see him with the boys, because I never really get a chance to see that. It's good for me to get the other side of the picture, to see how they react to each other - how he really does love them...

BUT - don't think I'd want to do it again any time soon.

Who says I jump the gun?!?

2008-07-11T22:09:00.002-04:00

Yeah. So. Yesterday Max goes to me: "Mom, what if I wet the bed at the overnight?" Aha! My chance! I knew it! I knew he'd come around and be worried! What else could I ask for, right?!?

I said "Well [because I knew you'd be worried I already worried for you and figured it out!] the doctor says there's a pill you can take so you won't." He looks happy. I strain my arm from patting myself on the back.

Then.

"But Mom. What if the pill doesn't work?"

Sputter sputter cough cough

"I said what if it doesn't work? I don't want to go."

"But, but -- Max - you don't have to decide right now. Talk to Daddy. Talk to J. Talk to Grandma or Grandpa... you have until Monday/Tuesday to decide."

"MOM! I don't want to go!!"

"I know, I know - and you don't have to... but we don't have to decide right now. How about a pull up?"

(Have you ever seen an eight year old give a "are you friggin out of your mind" look? Imagine that.)

"Ok. So nix the pull up."

"Mom. I know you might not think this is an intelligent decision. I know you say I should try new things, and this pill is a new thing. But I've thought about it and my decision is I don't want to sleep over."

(Pulling jaw off chest.) Ok. Fine. Absolutely fine.

But, I had already put a call in to the pediatrician and one of the other doctors in the practice called me back today. I didn't know the name of the medication, but told this doctor what it was supposed to do. She says: "Oh. They used to prescribe that. Now they do more behavioral modification. I don't even know the name of the medication - we never even learned about it!"

Did I mention that this is the same practice that prescribed the belladonna/phenobarbital for Max?

The doctor told me the name of the medication, told me to research it & call back on Monday if I still want it. The medication is desmopressin. If you read about it I especially like the part where they say do not use if the child is active.

Or,specifically: "They should also be very cautious during hot weather or following strenuous exercise that may make them thirsty."

So, I figure using it at a day camp sleep over, where they'll be doing all sorts of sports, in the summer... it'll be fine. Right?

Oy.

So, he's going to stay for the late night/cook out part & come home by 9 pm with Nathan. And he made the intelligent decision by himself.

Stuff

2008-07-09T14:15:00.001-04:00

People are still searching for "frustration boob" and getting this site. I hope it's not too.... errr.... frustrating.

Ok internet people. Here's the thing: I know I mentioned in my previous post how Max peed in my parents' bed. He really hasn't done it in a while. But he did again last night. His pediatrician says it's normal for boys to do that until age 12or so. Fine.

He has a sleep over at camp next Thursday.

Being a Mom I automatically thought of the worst case scenario. (Does it ever kind of hit you? I'm a MOM! Like I"m actually responsible for somebody else! Gah! Anyhow....) You know... what if... he... pees?!?!?

So I say to him.... in an off handed way: "Wow, you have a sleep over next week!" Him "Yeah." Me: "So what do you think about that?" Him: Shrug. Me: "No thoughts?" Him: "Mom!"

Ok. So.

Do I: 1) Follow his lead? He's not concerned so I'm not concerned? 2) Call the doctor to get the medication to prevent bed wetting (Dr. had mentioned it to me before - to be used for "social" situations....;Do I tell him? Do I just slip it into his peanut butter sandwich? 3) Pull ups?

I don't want to make him self conscious, and I don't want to create an issue where there might not be one. Maybe he's more in control than I think. Maybe he knows he can control his bladder....

Maybe I"m over thinking this... and just let what happens happen & deal with the after shocks? I mean, this happens to kids all the time, right? They aren't scarred for life, right?

But I just want to protect him.

Or, do I sit with him and have a talk? Tell him I can get this pill and what does he think?

I'm really really at a loss.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

2008-07-07T06:13:00.004-04:00

Mouse: Still here. Super will only put down poison or glue traps. I won't allow any more poison since J brings his dog here & the glue traps.. Well. They're useless. I'm going to have to call the management company.

Fourth of July was good. Ruined my parents' king sized mattress and broke their washing machine.

Ha ha. No. Really. I did.

My parents are away (in Israel) so we (me, the kids,J, his daughter, his dog) went to their place to have a suburban July 4th. Usually when we sleep there we all sleep in the den. But, my parents weren't there - so -- I put the kids in their room.

Max hasn't peed in bed in like six months. Really. I promise!

Except that he did July 3rd.

On top of the king sized down comforter. His sleeping bag, (see, I wasn't entirely frivolous! I made them sleep in sleeping bags on top of the bed!)top sheet,fitted sheet, mattress pad, mattress... Yep.

So I get to work washing. Wash the sheets. Fine. Put in the sleeping bag & take it out... hmm.... still wet. Well, put in towels (I used them to blot. Ok?) they run... hmm.... still wet. Wait. A. Minute.... The machine is not spinning.

Run.

Get J.

Nope. Machine still not spinning.

I go into catatonic state.

J (tries to) calm me down "you didn't break it. This is what happens in houses... things break all the time..."

Catatonia.

(Is that a word?)

We see that my parents have a service contract. I call. They will come on Thursday. My sister will be there then. Phew.

We decide to bring comforter to J's sister to wash. But then I realize: down. King sized. Umm.. no.

And that king sized mattress pad? Am I going to risk it? In a machine? I'm feeling a bit jinxed (NO! Don't use the treadmill! It will break! Don't touch the tv! Careful with the refrigerator!!) so decide...

$60 some odd dollars later, the comforter, mattress pad & duvet cover all at cleaners. They will deliver. On Wednesday.

My (supportive) sister: "WHat? You let them sleep in their bed?!? You broke the machine! Great. Just great.) Will (gladly) be there to receive. ("Great. Now I have to stay around the house. Great.")

Did I mention also that it rained all weekend?

Ok. All that happened, but it was actually lots of fun.

How was yours?

First Day of Camp

2008-06-30T22:01:00.000-04:00

Nice haircuts, huh?

Soomer than expected

2008-06-27T05:51:00.002-04:00

I just looked (again) at Max's report card & a fresh wave of frustration just ran through my body.

He got an amazing report card. Really. Amazing.

His teacher who does not like to give "4" (above grade level) gave him nearly all fours in reading (the rest 3's) and two (out of four) 4's in Math.

He got threes (meets grade level standards) in everything else. Except one thing. All year he has gotten 2's in "Works and Plays cooperatively with others." Even last year (he had the same teacher) she gave him that.

The first time I was really annoyed that she would give him that grade without talking to me. If he's misbehaving, tell me. Don't just give him a bad grade, let's work on it. Fix it. But now I've learned that this is just how she is. I've learned the type of teacher and the type of student that he is - and well - whatever.

(And I have to add that he twos for past two grades in "Respects class and school rules" but went up to a three for this grading period. So. One two.

X calls me yesterday (you knew this would be about him when I said "frustration", didn't you?) before I saw the report card. "Max got a two." I respond, oh - the teacher never told me there was a problem. He's all "don't blame the teacher..." and I said I'm not - but if she is having a problem with him, it's also part of her job to tell us. We can help. We should know.

He goes on to say that he "talked to Max" and "Max cried." I said I'd talk to Max, too.

I got home & saw this amazing report card. I saw how he went UP in general behavior. And got amazing grades. He didn't want to show me the card. "I got a two." I told him how proud I was of him. I told him how many GOOD grades he got, how he went UP in behavior. I talked to him about NOT focusing on the ONE bad thing, but to look at all the good he did.

X called me later. "Did you see it? Did you talk to him." I said I saw it. I said how he went up in behavior (school rules) and asked X if he told Max how well he did in everything else? Why did he focus on the negative?

X responded that Max is "going to be a man" he has to work on these things.

I told X I had to go and hung up.

We were out for dinner with my parents. They came back & wanted to see the report cards. Max did not want to show his. My parents finally looked & also told him how proud they were of him.

Ugh. X.

(Not to leave him out! Nathan got all threes and two fours in Math!!)

2008-06-27T05:38:00.003-04:00

Ok, ok - they went to the barber with my Dad, and got (muffled voice) good cuts. (My mom went to, to supervise!)

It was cool, I guess, 'cause Vinny (barber) has been cutting my Dad's hair for nearly 20 years, cuts my brother's hair... and now my kids. They were all getting into the multi-generational thing.

(My Mom also says that Vinny is "very handsome".)

Done. Finished. Lesson learned.

I'll post more - later on. Things have been crazy at work & I've just been exhausted....

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008)

2008-06-25T06:49:00.001-04:00

Goosebumps.

Don't laugh

2008-06-19T22:50:00.001-04:00

But I'm stymied. Absolutely and totally stymied. I have to make a decision. One of absolutely utmost importance. I mean, if I mess up on this decision... the repercussions will be endless. Endless!!

So you get the seriousness of this, right?

You're concerned?

You're in this with me? How can you help? What can you do? What can be done to ease this?

I thank you. I thank you for your concern. It touches me.

The issue is: Haircuts.

I'll wait for a minute while you gather yourselves. Catch your breath. Have a seat. Maybe somebody can bring you a glass of cold water....

I have huge haircut issues. For myself and for my boys. Since their first haircut I had brought them to a children's salon out on Long Island - where my parents are. But the woman who cut their hair.... well... it pains me to say this but she --- left. With nary a word. So I was stranded.

Brought the boys to the local Super Cuts and their hair was butchered! (Swat team was called in. That woman will no longer be cutting hair.)

Then the next time I brought them to this little trendy hipster place in the East Village. $60 later they had trendy little hipster haircuts.... AND they still looked the same as the other haircuts! Imagine how thrilled I was to spend that much more on haircuts! But, now I could say they "get their hair cut in the East Village." Instead of Long Island. So you get it why it's worth it for me to pay nearly double the price? Right?

Yeah. Me too.

SO ANYHOW.

Their hair is getting long & I looked at my calendar... and... as scary as this sounds there's literally no free weekend to get their hair cut until mid July! So, I started thinking that I'd take the day off after their last day of school -- take them out in Manhattan, have a fun day, get their hair cut at their cool, hip, trendy East Village haircuttery.... but then realized I'd be taking time off two days that week -- so I can't really take that day off.

Then.

My father offered to take them to his.......

Barber.

Bar-ber.

Barber.

Like with shears. Razors. Red, white and blue poles... And... bowl cuts! And shaved heads!!

Gah!

I'm making myownself sick! THe stupid thing about this is I really don't like it when guys go to "salons" - I'm a total minimalist when it comes to grooming and guys... but for some reason... when it comes to my kids.... I'm going through this whole snobby thing...(Said in snooty voice:) "No child of mine will go to a ... a... barber!" And I'm even entertaining the thought of taking them to my old salon and paying over $35 each!

Am I mad?

I think so.

And I can't even believe this is a "thing".

And I can't even believe I'm blogging about this.

But I do believe in fairies!

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Everything old is new again

2008-06-17T22:27:00.004-04:00

This and this.
I don't get it.
They're the same, no?
What am I missing?

(Remember that movie? "Number 5 is Alive!")

Siiiggghhh

2008-06-16T22:04:00.003-04:00

Nathan. He used to be so quiet. So sweet. So even tempered. Always full of smiles... But lately... I'm not so sure. (Is he signing "I love you" or is that the heavy metal devil sign?)

Last week, at Max's little league game Nathan went off to play with some of the "big kids." I told him he could - if he stayed where I could see him. He said ok. Next thing I know, I look up and he's not there. He is alllllllll the way down the end of the other field! He sees me walking towards him & starts running back. Quickly.

I ask him: "What did I say." He says: "I can't remember! I can't be expected to remember everything you say!" (Ok, I'm paraphrasing a bit - but that's the meaning behind what he said!)I responded with a questioning "oh?" And he goes on to say: "Yes! You said to me "blah, blah, blah, blah!' How could I remember that?!?!

I stop. I look at him. I surpress a smile, and take him back to the seat with me, telling him that he can no longer play with the big kids, and maybe next time he will be able to remember what I said!

("Blah, blah, blah!" It's funny! Annoying as hell, but it's funny!)

I have nothing to say.

2008-06-08T22:27:00.002-04:00

I was talking to a young, cute, vivacious 20 something girl today. She was telling me about her new boyfriend. We started talking a bit about sex. She said she doesn't like to use hormonal birth control & is thinking of just using the rhythm method. I smiled. Nodded. And said yes, but that's not always the most reliable.

She smiles and says: "Yes, but if anything happens, I have no problem killing it."

...............................

Oh.

I suppose I was expecting her to say something like... "I love him ,we'll keep the baby.."

Now listen. I have to say that I am absolutely 100% pro-choice. No question. And this young woman is certainly in no stage in her life to have a baby. I don't know that I would REALLY expect her to have it. But I sure as shit did not expect her to say that. Like that. (And yes, I recognize it was also part of her trying to seem young, hip & cool... and maybe this really isn't anything you really know until you're pregnant. Until you have kids. Until you know people who have had lost their babies..., But.)

I kind of gulped and said .."well... I guess... but you know -- you really do not want to be presented with that. It's devastating. Really. Truly. You should try however you can NOT to put yourself into that situation."

She kind of smiled, a Yes I Know smile. And knowing there was nothing else I could do or say - because this young woman absolutely and totally knows her own mind... and I made my point very loud and clear. (I'm good like that.)

But. Sigh. It upset me. I'm so pro-choice, but I hate hearing stuff like this... I suppose I've been living in a bit of a bubble - It's not like I talk to a lot of people in this age group. It's either elementary schoolers or senior citizens! I kind of miss out on a whole age group... But it kind of made me want to cart out those "Abstinence Only" banners...

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Refinement.

2008-05-30T06:43:00.002-04:00

You know, I really don't know what to say about this - except every time I watch it it makes me laugh.

(My father's joke at the end? Not so much. But that's only because I've heard it about 25 million times. That and the one that goes: "You know why we call the turkey Napoleon? We eat everything but the boneypart. Get it? BONEY part. Yeah.)

Will revist at end of summer....

2008-05-29T20:29:00.001-04:00

Forwarded conversation
Subject: Max's Hebrew School Report Card
------------------------

From: Me
Date: Wed, May 28, 2008 at 7:38 AM
To: X

Yesterday was Max's last day of Hebrew School. He received his report card.

"Max is a bright and enthusiastic student. Max has made good progress as a [Hebrew] reader but his absences have kept him from reaching the level he is capable of. Max enjoys working with Bible stories and learning about the holidays."

I talked to Max about this. We discussed how as he gets older, learns more and more, and gets closer to his Bar-Mitzvah, he will have to get a tutor if he does not attend all the classes. He has a requisite amount he has to learn. Like any class, he has to perform and show that he's learning - and the absences are preventing that. He understands that. He said he would prefer to go on Sundays. We talked about how he could stay at your place overnight on Sundays - if that's ok with you - or spend other times with you. He said he'll talk about it with you.

Of course this is moot for the summer, but starting in September both boys will be going to Hebrew School. I hope that this coming school year we can work together so that both boys can attend all the classes. It is very important.

Thanks,

A.

--
"
From: X
Date: Wed, May 28, 2008 at 7:50 AM
To: Me

Unfortunately it is unlikely that he will be able to stay over sundays. Also wednesday nights might be a thing of the past depending on my new job.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
----------
From: Me
Date: Wed, May 28, 2008 at 7:52 AM
To: X

Well, we will cross the wednesday night bridge when we come to it - and the Sunday stay over. What I was trying to convey to Max (and I guess to you) was that there are many times that you & he can spend together that will not impact his learning.

I need to know that we will be able to work together with this.

-=-=-=-=-=-=
That was it. He did not respond any further. I made my point & will let it go until the end of the summer.

I can't even express how many colors of red I saw when I saw Max's report card. We got it Tuesday but I waited until the next day to contact him... otherwise I would not have sounded as calm as I did.

The idea that his laziness impacted Max's learning... I can't. I get too angry.

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Dunkin' Donuts pulls Rachael Ray ad after complaints - Yahoo! News

2008-05-29T18:54:00.000-04:00

Dunkin' Donuts pulls Rachael Ray ad after complaints - Yahoo! News

People. Come. On. There's war, cyclones, tornadoes, and election coming up...but let's worry about Rachel Ray's scarf & whether or not it portrays a warped and outdated North American idea of Muslim fundamentalists.

Oy.

Untitled

2008-05-27T15:55:00.001-04:00

So J said to me the other day: "I don't really read your blog anymore. I'm finding that it bothers me, that I find out stuff from your blog before I find it out from you! It makes me feel a little funny, so I just thought I'd stop reading"

Oh.

I said to him that oftentimes I just use this blog as a vent (sorry guys) that I don't even need a response - I just need to get it out. So that's why I don't tell him. Right away. I need to process it first.

He understood. I think. I try to not talk about our relationship too much... or if I do in general terms... or in a way that I know he would not mind. I know he reads this. I know that anybody could read this. So I just keep that in the back of my wee little mind...

I also am very conscious of not turning this into a "Mommy Blog" (whatever that is - but my own definition is a blog that is solely about ones kids. My kids take up a fairly huge chunk of my life, but I think I"m a bit more than that...) so I try to write about other parts of my life: work, J & X. (Yikes! Is that all my life is?!?! Gotta get out more!) But mostly, honestly, it's whatever is on my mind the most... that needs to come out. THere's no planning. No forethought. Heck - there's not even a rough draft!! I write, spell check & post! WYSIWYG.

I remember when I dated Ex - before J - he said the same thing. He stopped reading because he didn't want to find out stuff from here & not from me.

So is it me?

How is it if for you guys? Do you have discussions with your S.O's? Do they not read? Object?

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Movin' right along...

2008-05-23T06:59:00.001-04:00

I know I mentioned here before that J and I will probably move in together. It will probably be some time next summer... into Manhattan. (Don't ask me how we will do it, an affordable place - [three bedroom!] in a good school district... But he says we can...)

And that's fine. I love Manhattan. I loved living in Manhattan. I haven't really connected too well/too much with people here... so it's not such a great loss for me.

But (you know with me there's always a but. I'm always over thinking everything, so there always has to be a "but"!)

You know, "we" talk about diversity & how it's so great... and how living in the city.. (manhattan) it's so diverse. And it is. Relative to Montana. But relative to Queens? Not so much. I get on the train here & there are all sorts of people. From all sorts of backgrounds. I get on the train on the Upper West side? Black. White. Latin. That's it. And I love having that diversity. It makes me feel more.... real, I guess. The real world. Not what I think of the Manhattan bubble... a borough that is turning into one made up of the very rich and the very poor, one which is turning into a giant shopping mall with luxury apartments... that most people, on most incomes, cannot afford to shop in.

I look at my kids' school, I look at the friends they have: all different types. Nice kids. Good kids. Sweet kids. I go into the school, the staff there greets me, they know my kids, I can talk to the Assistant Principal about my kids. She knows them. This is a public school. In NYC. But it's also a small community school, far from being big and uncaring.

So ok. Because I have nothing else to worry about, I'm thinking about that now. Siiiggghh..... Do I really want to move? What will that mean? What sort of kids will my kids become if they grow up in Manhattan? (My parents nearly bought a house in Great Neck...before they bought the house where I grew up.. For those of you who know Long Island, Great Neck is vastly different from where I grew up. Vastly. I would have been a different person, for sure. [Or at least had much more designer clothing!])

I don't know. It's really important to J to live in Manhattan, and that certainly would not be a hardship for me...living right near a park, walk to everything, closer to work... But.

Just thinking. As usual.

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Untitled

2008-05-22T15:02:00.001-04:00

My job is safe. Somebody else got the axe. Try as I might to feel sorry for them... Well... I''m actually just more happy for me.

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Omigod.

2008-05-20T23:08:00.001-04:00

Embedded Video

I am totally getting this!!!

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Untitled.

2008-05-20T11:19:00.002-04:00

Max had his party this Sunday. It was a bowling party. Imagine, if you will.... a mother, sick with a horrible cold, cranky with PMS, a bowling alley that is about to close (that was their last day) overrun with crowds, staff not so involved... Also imagine.... parents dropping their 8 year old BOYS off at the party. "I have things to do, I'll pick him up later." Or "The party ends at four, right? See you then." Imagine this... the cranky, stuffy party throwing mother: "But, but, but....." And "Where are the chairs? The kids need to sit?" "Don't cry. I'll tie your shoes. Your mom will be back." And lastly: "WHERE ARE THE CHAIRS?!!?"

OMFG.

It was not one of the best parties I've had. Although I think I was the most bothered. (PMS?) The kids all seemed to have fun. But I don't understand: If you do not say "This is a drop off party" why would parents just leave their kids? Especially ones who are really just not old enough?

Then lets not talk about the one mom who brought another child with her. "They were having a play date. I brought him. Hope you don't mind. If you do, we can walk around outside." My PMSy response? "In the rain? No. Of course it's fine, but I might not have a goody bag for him." Then. She leaves. Leaves. (She DID come back after about a half hour or so.. but...)

I was relaying this all to J last night & he seemed far less annoyed than I felt. Or he did not express his annoyance as much as I would have liked. A girlfriend would have been all "Omigod! I don't know how you did it! The nerve! I can't believe it! It must have been hell!" And he was all...well.... understated. In a situation that required much commiserating "Oh. Yeah. That sounds like a bad day." Instead of the preferred: "You poor, poor thing... thank goodness you survived that horrible ordeal!" Thus the difference in the gender.

I'm growing my hair out (sorry, no segue or anything...). And I hate my hair. I always hate my hair when it's a bit longer ANYHOW - but I've made the decision to grow it (to a shortish bob) so I'm going to. Grow it out. I figure I can always cut it if I don't like it. But, my hairdresser warned me: "This is the tough time. The awkward time. The in between time. If you get through this without cutting it I promise it will be worth it." OK. But I'm still pretty self-conscious.

This Saturday I'm going out for dinner for J's daughter's birthday. I'm going with J, his two daughters, their mother and her boyfriend. Their mother. Her boyfriend. I've never met her. She's never met me.

Sunday, after the party, my parents took us all out for dinner. My mother goes... "Hmm... maybe you want to cut your hair before this dinner on Saturday."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks mom - because I didn't feel self conscious at all before... (And I did say that to her.)

I've come to the realization (with the assistance of some pretty good therapy) that my mother - as wonderful as she is - led me well on my way to marry a judgemental, perfectionist man like X. (Sorry Freud, I know I'm supposed to marry somebody like my Dad... but...)

My mother notices everything. Ev. Ry. Thing. Kid's hair not perfectly combed? She combs it. Speck on a shirt? She finds it. Doesn't like something? She says it. She was always on me about my weight (flash forward to today!) and always closely monitored how I dressed, what I wore, how it fit, etc, etc. (X! ) I know she did it out of love. I also know she did it out of her own background - my grandmother was a hoarder, a bit of a slob, did not pay attention to her kids at all.... SO - my mom is kind of the anti of that.

And now, yes - with my letting my kids go to school with their hair sticking out in tufts... I'm the anti of that.

Funny how those things work.

But still. Back to her comment. I can't get it out of my head. It was really such a mean thing to say. I mean, shouldn't some things just be left unsaid? And if I asked, shouldn't she say "You look fine. You look beautiful. And besides, that does not matter. Are you there to impress her, or just have a birthday celebration?" (Which is what I keep telling myself....)

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Max's Birthday

2008-05-17T22:44:00.002-04:00

Today is Max's birthday. He's 8. I still can't really believe it. I was looking at his face, as he was falling asleep tonight - and this image of his ultra sound photo popped into my head! (Ok, well... in thinking about it I'm wondering how I know it's HIS ultrasound photo that popped in? Because. Let's be honest here... they all kinda look alike, don't they? Like don't you think the ultra sound technicians have a pile of photos they just give to the patients who come in for their scans? Just sayin'. But anyhow - he looked like A ultrasound picture, which somehow doesn't sound as nice and mushy and sentimental.)

Well, that's probably because I'm usually not so very mushy and sentimental. I can be nice. Although I've been told I'm not nice enough to be a flight attendant. I don't suffer fools gladly. And I don't have a poker face.

Oh. But wait. This was about MAX. It being his birthday and all... I mean, it's not like I worked really hard to give BIRTH to him or anything, is it?

Ok, ok. So he actually hit a home run today at his little league game, which was really cool. The team is really starting to come along - they ALL hit. The score was 19-4!!!

But here's the interesting part (you were waiting for this. I know.) I was there with X. Just us. (And Nathan, but he's always there... so....) And. It. Was. Ok. Normal. Calm. A bit strange.

We sat next to each other. We talked about the kids. We talked about books we had read, movies we had seen. We talked politics. Ok, when I went down to the snack bar & politely asked him if he wanted anything I did NOT expect him to say "sure, a hot dog." But if I didn't want to buy him anything I shouldn't have offered.

THEN, after we went out for a birthday dinner for Max. X didn't want to go at first. I told him I'd treat. He came. I wasn't sure if I should push it, given Max wanting us to move back in together... but I don't know... we were both there, it was his birthday... I felt like we should all be together.

By and large it worked. It's amazing how you fall back into those rhythms: the private jokes, the nicknames we had for relatives... it felt normal. But it wasn't.

I"m reading this book "Custody Chaos, Personal Peace: Sharing Custody with an Ex Who Drives you Crazy." and the author makes a point of reminding us that our Ex's are human. That we did, at one point see something in them... and that they are not perfect. (This is all part of his idea that if you don't let what happens with your Ex stress you out as much, then you have more control...) So this was good.

But still. Strange.

Stuff

2008-05-16T06:57:00.003-04:00

Well, there are still people searching for "frustration boobs" on my blog. Hope this somehow eases their frustration.... (but I'm thinkin' probably not.)

To any of my "May Moms" friends who read this: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Can you believe our kids are going to be eight? Can you believe we've known each other for almost nine years?!?!? Anybody want to start planning the ten year reunion?

I told my boss I thought, in 20-20 hindsight.... that it was kind of mean of her to tell us six weeks out that one of us will lose our job the end of this month. She got a wee bit defensive.. but I had to. This is torture.

X called me. Said we have to start teaching Max some tact. When I asked why, he said the other day at Little League Max said, in his typical quiet, well modulated tone of voice: "I couldn't go to practice the other day, I had to go to the psychologist." He said the whole team heard. I started laughing when X told me this. I said well, maybe his generation will look at it differently. Not as much stigma. Remember when people used to whisper cancer? And let's not even get started about AIDS... But, I suppose I should talk to Max about some things being private... but I want to make sure to keep it in a way that does not make it anything bad/wrong/different.

When you stop and think about this parenting thing. I mean stop. Think. How we just do it... no rules, no flash cards, no umpire.... we just get thrown in there & do it... and it's so important. When I think about that I think... OK, it's important but then maybe if you think about it being too important then that makes you too self conscious... and just stop thinking about it and do it. So I stop thinking about it.

Nathan is a very nervous boy. It really started this past year, when he started kindergarten. He is so worried about doing something wrong (wonder where he got that from? Ref: above paragraph) But it almost throws him into a panic. He won't wear his denim jacket because the teacher wants them to button up & he can't button those buttons. So he WILL NOT wear it. It has to be something that zips. Or the teacher will get angry. Even if I say "but it's warmer now" or the little white lie: "I spoke to Ms G - she said it's OK." Nope.

The other day, when I was in the city and he was going to X's, he was nearly in tears. On Wednesdays Max goes to the aforementioned psychologist & the kids go right from the bus to the office. They do not take the stuff out of their back packs. Then they go from the psychologist to X's. He was crying to me "Mom, you have to see my notes. The teacher said we have to empty our folders every day! To show our work to our parents!" When I said he could show it to X, then he said "But Daddy puts the papers back into the folder and they get crinkled! The teacher will get upset if they're crinkled!" Omigod. That poor boy. So much pressures. (And this might read like it's sarcastic, but it's not. I mean it. Imagine have that many worries! At six!!)

So we came up with the solution that the babysitter will take the notes/papers out, take them home with HER and bring them back the next day. I'm not entirely sure what that means... since no parent will see them.. but maybe he feels like they're safe? Not crinkled?

I spoke to the Assistant principal at the school (who I lovelovelove!) and she suggested the guidance counselor. We'll see. I'm kind of cynical about guidance counselors... the ones I've dealt with have not been too much on the ball. But we'll see.

If not, I'm thinking Nathan might need the psychologist a wee bit more than Max.

And then I have to go back to thinking.... we only do what we can. We have no rule book.....

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Polish Holocaust hero dies at age 98 - Yahoo! News

2008-05-12T21:24:00.000-04:00

Polish Holocaust hero dies at age 98 - Yahoo! News

Wow.

green throw up

2008-05-12T07:04:00.001-04:00

You know... kids remember the important stuff... (Can't wait to show him this when he's 17!!)

Slideshow

2008-05-11T11:42:00.001-04:00

These are ALL the photos from our weekend at Mohonk Lake House. It was. Amazing.

It would be nice if I could spell

2008-05-09T06:08:00.001-04:00

See post below.

phtoso from the weekend (I took like 70...)

2008-05-08T23:39:00.004-04:00

Let them be free.... but not TOO free..

2008-05-08T23:13:00.005-04:00

So this past weekend, while we were away (oh, did I not mention that we were going away? I took J away for his birthday. He didn't want a party. It was a big birthday.... So. We were. AWAY. Did I mention that?)

ANYHOW.

We were talking about my kids & their growing up... and what to let them do on their own or not. Like J, when he crosses the street with Max will sometimes NOT hold his hand (will not think about this, will not think about this...) and ask Max when it's safe to cross. We talked about when it's safe for them to go to the bathroom in a restaurant on their own (I will take them to the ladies room with me, and they are starting to protest....) or play outside.

I feel like if it is Max and another 8 year old... then somethings are OK - but I don't think it's fair for Max to have to be responsible for his younger brother. Not at this age.

So, Monday night I was at Nathan's little league game. Nathan had team photos before & Max was just hanging out. They were taking the photos at the club house - around the corner from where the fields are.

Max came over & asked "Can I go over to Field 2, with Johnny, and play catch?" I kind of know Johnny & his mom. I went over to the mom - "What do you think?" She was really laid back... sure, no problem... he knows everybody there... So. I said. OK. BUT - I told him - he has to stay on field 2.

About a half hour later we headed over to the fields. I look on field two and guess who was NOT there? Right.

I look over at Field One. Nope. Walk up to three. Nope. Walk a bit faster up to Four. Nope. Kind of trot back down to Field Two. Feeling a little bit anxious... but not too bad. Ask a mother there "Have you seen Max?" Nope.

See Johnny's mom - she doesn't know where they are, either. Ok, so now I'm starting to get a wee bit more.... agitated. Then Johnny's brother yells: 'There they are!" On the bottom of Field One - just out of sight... there they were.

My melodious voice wafted down to Max.... could he please excuse himself from the game and come up to talk to me for a moment? (Translation: Max!!! Maxwell! You get yourself up here RIGHTTHISVERYMOMENTQUICKQUICKNOW!!!!)

I was angry. He explained that people came on the field, so they went to the other one. I told him I understood why - but that I told him to stay on Field Two - and if he had to leave he HAD TO TELL ME.

I made him stick with me the rest of the night & we talked about it again later. He got it. And really, it was ok - it was in a controlled environment & was (as much as I hate to use this term) a learning experience.

And you know, the whole time I just kept thinking "If he had a cell phone I could just call him!" But immediately chastised myself for even THINKING about getting an eight year old a cell phone!! Also, J always tells me that it's worse when they have the phones... because they never answer! Imagine how nerve wracking that is!!! Where is he?!? In a ditch?!? Why isn't he answering?!?! It's pretty much a no win.

Oh man. This letting them go thing.... At least I have the bubble wrap ready for once they start driving....
(It was foggy for the first day. We got a little.... lost on the grounds. Oops. I was actually cracking up - it was like something out of a bad horror movie: "Don't go that way! Don't go into the mist!!" But maybe you had to be there.)

These Kids....

2008-05-06T06:41:00.001-04:00

Yesterday my sitter said to me: "I have to tell you something - I didn't have time the other day... but I really have to."

Given my recent history with my sitter... my heart sank.

She began: "The other day, when we came in to meet you and J in the city - before the Yankees Tigers game - we were on the train and Nathan did the most amazing thing." Nathan? Amazing thing? Now I wasn't so anxious.

She continued. "There weren't so many seats, so I told the boys to sit and I stood next to them. Nathan said to me: "you have to sit down. You can't stand. I told him 'no, it's ok.' But he insisted. 'You sit down, I'll sit on your lap.' So, I went to sit. Then the other people on the train saw I was pregnant. They were in shock, and obviously felt badly because they did not notice before. But you have no idea what that did to me. How it made me feel. How he made me feel, insisting that I sit down..."

I was speechless. MY Nathan?!? My son who never seems to think about anybody but himself? Who always asks: "What do you have for me?" "Why do *I* have to do that?" "YOU, you do it FOR me!" Now MAX - he's the one who is always thinking. He is the one who has more empathy... I was totally floored.

But you know what was the coolest part? Things I say -- they sink in!!

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And so it begins...

2008-05-04T20:42:00.001-04:00

X has been made a "consultant" so his salary will be about halved. Starting his next pay check. It's going to be fun. He's telling me how he has to pay more for his insurance & business expenses... so that means he'll be contributing less. I want to be fair... but you know, the expenses for the kids don't go down. I have to get them their summer wardrobe...

PLUS - am I responsible for taking care of HIS needs? Why does he think I am?!?!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Forwarded conversation
Subject: Re: Bi-Weekly Support '08
------------------------

From: X
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:10 PM
To:ME

Why am I stuck with all the income pressure.... Why can't your income help float the boat a bit. Why can't you have a job that helps your family before the public. You are selfish and the boys will understand it when they are older.
------Original Message------

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry----------
From: ME
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:16 PM
To:X

when you get a chance please let me know what your income is & how we are going to figure out these checks. I'm figuring the proportion will be 60-40.

--
"
From: X
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:21 PM
To: ME

I don't know what my income will be. I will be receiving checks equivalnet to $Xxxxxt will be subject to business expenses that will probably take that income to about $(8000 less). Then my income would factor out social security and new york city taxes to arrive at a figure.
----------
From: ME
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:24 PM
To: X

what do you mean business expenses? the proportion is based on how much your take home pay is....

----------
From: X
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:27 PM
To:ME

I'm not a salaried employee and have to cover an array of costs.

----------
From: ME
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:29 PM
To: X

do you get the same amount in each pay check?--
----------
From: X
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:31 PM
To: ME

Yes, it is an official contract so I will fax you a copy.

From:ME
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:45 PM
To:X

ok - I'll send you my fax number tomorrow. but if you have a set weekly/bi-weekly salary then that's what we work from.

--
----------
From X
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:57 PM
To: ME

It's monthly.
FYI: if the parisittes suck too much blood out of the host--the host dies and the parissities too.

----------
From ME
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 8:00 PM
To: X

ok - so we'll figure out how much that is bi-weekly & take it from there.--

----------
From: X
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 8:10 PM
To: ME

I'm a very fair guy, so don't push me too hard.

----------
From: ME
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 8:30 PM
To: X

yes. You are fair. I just want to be able to understand & budget -- so I'll need to know how much you will be contributing.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

thanks max

2008-05-02T09:42:00.001-04:00

My "gifted" children. :)

Who is this really about?

2008-04-29T22:42:00.001-04:00

Errrr..... Yeah. Don't really know.

The boys got their results back from the Gifted and Talented test. They didn't make it. Neither of my boys are gifted. Or Talented.

According to the test.

I had been gearing myself for this for a while. "Ahhh.... it's no big deal. It's only a test. If they *do* get in, I'm not even sure I want them to be in it - they'll be overwhelmed with homework... is that worth it at this young age?" And so on. You get the idea.

But we got the results back. And neither made it to the 90th percentile. Not even to the 80th percentile.

(BLOG INTERRUPTION! MOUSE! HERE! CUTE! RUNNING! CRAP!!! OMIGOD! WHAT DO I DO?!?!?)

The crazy woman who lives in my building? Her daughter is 89th percentile. Nathan's friend? He made it. My boys? Did not.

And I cannot at all tell you how awful I feel that way. But you know what it's about? It's about me not feeling like I did a good enough job as a parent. It's not about them not being good/smart/gifted/talented enough... It's about me not sitting with them more. Not reading with them enough. Not doing flash cards. Not making them practice their writing over and over. I feel like if I had done this... I'd have given them the chance to succeed... but because I come home & crash & the last thing I ever want to do is go over letters with them...

(DO YOU THINK I CAN CATCH IT WITH A TUPPERWARE CONTAINER? THEN TOSS IT DOWN THE TRASH?)

Max is very glad he did not make it. He does not want the extra homework.

I haven't told X yet. I need to, but I'm not sure I want to deal with his reaction -- or how he'll react with the kids. The thing with him is I never really know... He could be really "normal" or... not.

Oy. Now off to find that mouse.

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Young at Heart chorus sings Road to Nowhere

2008-04-27T11:28:00.001-04:00

Saw this movie last night. Absolutely cannot recommend it enough!!

Just errrr.... wondering...

2008-04-24T19:52:00.002-04:00

"Frustration Boobs"

I have had about 10 people find my blog through that Google search.

Is that the name of a new tv show? Band? Book? Are that many women frustrated with their boobs? And if so, why not write the search "Frustrated With Boobs"? Or "Boob Frustration."

Really.

Just wondering.

Oh, this body of mine...

2008-04-24T06:14:00.003-04:00

This has been floating around in my mind for a week or so... so I figure I gotta process it.

In the past six months or so I've put on about.. oh... 7 pounds. Which in and of itself is not so bad... but on top of the oh... 7 pounds or so I already had to loose -- and the fact that I'm pretty small... well. It's a lot. For me. None of my clothes fit. I'm wearing the same outfits all the time. I'm not happy.

But here's the thing. The other day I caught myself. Naked. In the mirror. I have not looked at myself naked in a while. I just have not wanted to. And I saw myself. And I stopped. And I was like: "Hey, that looks like one of those Renaissance nudes. This body... it looks... beautiful." And I quickly stepped away. And I went back. And looked again. And reaffirmed.

You know.. it's not at all skinny... it's like... voluptuous - a little stomach, hips, big thighs.... No rolls or anything.. not "obese" and actually a bit of muscle tone. (And not that there's anything wrong with either of these... rolls, being obese... I'm just kinda trying to process what I thought I looked like in my mind... and the reality of it...) It was not a nude that you see in magazines... but it was a classic nude body.

so I'm taking this information and trying to figure this whole thing out. Why can't I just be happy with that? Why am I so miserable every time I try something on? And WHY am I freaking out about the idea of a bathing suit this summer!

It's funny (not funny ha-ha - but funny weird, strange, upsetting) how society sets this standard of how we're supposed to look in clothes. And here in NYC -- how people dress up & dress high fashion. Most people. Or have that "hip" way of dressing, with the tight t-shirts & the jeans...

I could wear a tight t-shirt - but my stomach would stick out. Why is that bad? It's not a bad stomach? Why do I get so upset when I see it sticking out? Why do I end up wearing bigger clothes, that hide everything? Why do I want to wear a tight t-shirt if it's not the look for me?

Ugh. I have no answers to this. And of course I've started another month of nutri-system. Last time was a bust -- with Max's stomach aches & my comfort eating... With this peri-menopause setting in (and I have to believe that's what this is...) my metabolism is SHOT. S.H.O.T. I've never been like this before, I"m usually able to loose pretty quickly.... but not this time. I'm thinking of investing in an exercise bike (yeah, me and my trust fund) - because I never have time to go to a gym, go for a run.... (And don't say I could be doing exercise instead of doing this! I know that! I have to figure out a new schedule for myself...)

But. So. Anyhow. I don't know. This whole thing is just really thought provoking to me. How I see my body. How I dress my body. How my body is REALLY....

And now for some more matzoh and cream cheese.

10 Plague Bowling Pins

2008-04-22T13:44:00.001-04:00

These had me doubled over with laughter at our seder. #1 is blood, #2 Frogs, #10 - slaying of the first born (see his sad face...)

Anxiety.

2008-04-22T12:26:00.002-04:00

I know I need to do a post Passover wrap up (it went well!) but just need to vent this now.

X has kind of lost his job. I say kind of because they made him a "consultant." He's on half salary & no health insurance. His fiance lost her job a few months ago (works at an investment bank.. they're all being downsized.)

(And I know - those of you who know me for a while are probably like "X has lost his job AGAIN?!?" The man is a professional job looser/getter. He's really good at getting them. So I guess I"m not TOO worried.

But.

There have been funding cuts here & two of us will lose our jobs. I'll find out by the end of May. We'll get one months' notice & severance... plus I would get unemployment.

We don't know yet - who it will be. It's a small staff.. only three social workers... and some admin.

I'm trying NOT to stress.. because 1) there's nothing I can do to change any of it; 2) It might not be me.

But. You know. My mind goes to those dark places.... me out of work, X out of work, paying for summer camp... Not to mention the fact that I absolutely love this job. I love where I work, too - the agency - my boss is so family friendly that it makes it so easy for me...

She thought she was doing us a favor by telling us now. Being transparent. Letting us know about the process they are going through (budget, etc, etc...) but waiting a MONTH to find out. Pull that band-aid off! I want to know now!

(Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts....)

Somebody tell me now that the economy is doing well. Tell me and all those homeless people I'm seeing more and more of on the streets....

Passover

2008-04-19T11:00:00.002-04:00

So tonight's the first night of Passover. Pesach in Hebrew. We (me, the kids, my parents, my sister, my brother and my Uncle!) are going over to J's parents house for the Seder. Big deal, huh? I tell people and their eyes open wider... "You are all going? To his parents' house?" I work with a rebbetzin - her husband is the rabbi at one of the big synagogues down on the Lower East Side... and when I told her what I was doing the first night I could see her practically planning the wedding... (Well, you know, my first husband not being Jewish and all... - though yes, he did convert.. but...) so this is oh so... meaningful to her..

Did I mention that Passover is the holiday where one is allowed to ramble? Especially in blogs. Yep. It's true. There's the line: "And thou blog writer - on this day you are allowed to ramble.. to go off on tangents... whatever." (And yes. They said "whatever". They learned it from their kids!) (So glad I don't have many Jewish readers...)

ANYHOW.

You know, last year was the first time I met J's parent. And my kids. And my parents have already met his parents & all the families have pretty much met.

But still. Our first Seder all together. Should be interesting. You know, of course, that I will report back.

But ARGH!! I have Such. Bad. PMS. Like the kind where you look for things to get upset about? Like the kind where everything is going along perfectly well and you're like "look! Look at that teeny tiny spot over there! Who did that! Somebody's gonna pay! We are all going to stand here and look at that spot and figure out who did it and who is gonna PAY for doing it! All of us! Because my goal is to make everybody as miserable as I am!!"

Ugh.

But it's still gonna be a good day/night? Right?

Tomorrow night the Seder's at my parent's house. J will be coming. His girls will be with their mom and her family. I luck out at not having a Jewish X (yes, he converted.. but...)

There will be photos. There will be videos. (New Flip camera, you know...)

Now I'm gonna go stick my head under a pillow for a little while.

peeps for passover - a set on Flickr

2008-04-17T22:03:00.000-04:00

peeps for passover - a set on Flickr

2008-04-17T13:59:00.002-04:00

So, I brought Max to the child psychologist yesterday. The psych told me to tell Max that he would be meeting with a "nice man" who "likes to talk and play games" and that I "met the man and he is very nice."

So, that is what I told him.

After he came out & we were walking home Max turned to me and said: "How come you didn't tell me you were bringing me to a psychologist?"

Huh?!

He then went on to say: "A psychologist is somebody you talk to when you have that nervous feeling in your stomach - or have something on your mind. I don't have that nervous feeling in my stomach! Why didn't you tell me?"

I looked at him and said "well Max, most children do not know what a psychologist IS - so I guess I underestimated you. I"m sorry. I should have told you. So, what do you think? Did you like it?"

He shrugs. "Yeah. I liked it. I'll go back."

My kids. I will never underestimate them again!

So here's the thing...

2008-04-15T22:16:00.002-04:00

This morning I was waiting with my kids for their bus. They are, like every other morning, all involved in the all important Pokemon Trading. All of them.

So I hear Nathan say: "I'm going to trade this fake Pokemon to Raphael. He won't know. I'll trick him."

And.

I didn't know what to do.

I often feel like I "mother" my boys too much. The other day at Max's Little League game it was all I could do to stop myself from yelling across the field: "Tuck that string into your pants!" And forget about trying to fix Nathan's little league shirt, which hangs down almost to his knees... I'm very conscious that I'm a woman raising two boys. (Ok - there's a father involved, but most of their time is with me.)

So I'm about to say something like: "that's not very nice" but I stop. This is the "code" of the playground. It's kid stuff. You have to let them work out all this stuff on their own.

But then I (mentally) counter myself: "but what about morality? Aren't you supposed to teach them that?" Then I go on to say to myself: "They learn that in the playground, too. It's all part of it. You teach them the big stuff... but the little stuff has to sort itself out." Then, as if I haven't had enough I go on to tell myself: 'Yes, but if they don't want you to hear it - then they shouldn't say this stuff right near you." And I remind myself of how when I was a chaperon on a flight for North American exchange students going to Brazil. There were a LOT of exchange students on our flight - from the US and from Brazil. The one BIG rule for the kids I was chaperoning was no drinking... but all the Brazilians were. And these "kids" were going to be on their own, in a country with no drinking age.... SO - what do I do. I put my head phones on & went to sleep. BUT, at one point I turned around & two kids were behind me. Drinking beers. I told them to put it away. I said: "listen, if you're going to drink, have the good sense NOT to do it right near the chaperon." I mean, come on.

(Ramble much?)

SO. Where was I. Stuck in my early morning morality morass.

I didn't say anything.. but I'm not really sure it was the right thing to do. As we were walking back from Hebrew School this evening Nathan mentioned it again & I jumped right on it. This is the three of us walking together. This is not the same. So I did the ole' "don't do to people what you wouldn't like done to you" spiel & they nodded & were like "ok mom.. whatever..." and that was that.

But still.

Happy Birthday~

2008-04-15T10:38:00.001-04:00

the shuckers.

2008-04-13T20:04:00.002-04:00

Youth Exchange and Study Program (YES)

2008-04-11T21:56:00.000-04:00

Youth Exchange and Study Program (YES)

This is the program my sister works for. I can't wait 'til my boys are old enough (or we move to a bigger place!) to be able to host an exchange student...

You guys are so cool

2008-04-10T06:20:00.002-04:00

So tell me. How come I write posts that come from the deep dark insides of my soul and I get one or two comments? I write posts about life changing moments and I get one or two comments? I write a post about a graduation gift.... and....

I now see how it is.

Fine.

Thank you guys for all your great suggestions! She's difficult to shop for. Very strong opinions, very artsy, very "non-traditional" (although somehow likes Banana Republic...).

SO. I've opted for this and a $100 Banana Republic Card. I figure it could give her a bit of a start with any sort of interview clothes she needs... and the other thing is kinda cool, artsy and fun.

That's what I'm getting.

Unless I change my mind.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

2008-04-09T06:21:00.002-04:00

Yes. My new (about three months) wonderful, 26 year old babysitter is pregnant. She told me yesterday. She is five months pregnant and has been feeling fine. She is very happy about it. The father is involved, she has lots of family support, and feels she is the right age.

She says she will continue working until the last day, and plans to come back after. Her family owns a day care that takes new born babies, so she sees no problem. I told her well... let's see how you feel - because oftentimes it's totally different after the baby is born...

I'm not upset, anxious, angry, nervous... or anything. (I don't even want to go into how much the kids like this sitter and how I so do not want to have to put them through getting used to another one!!) I know I have the other (16 year old) sitter to fill in (who actually told me that if it doesn't work out with the current one how she would love to come back). She won't be good for a permanent sitter... but definitely for maternity leave & until I find one... If I need to.) I'm honestly... well... a bit freaked out because it just seems like so much has been happening.

I'm not a drama seeker. I like routine. I like calmness. I like knowing what to expect. Some people need - crave constant excitement. Nope. Not me. A nice boring life with a little bit of fun vacations and diversions thrown into the mix. That's me.

Is this what life is, or doesn't it seem like I've been getting a wee bit more than my fair share lately?

My Babysitter

2008-04-08T18:54:00.001-04:00

is pregnant.

Now let's get to the important stuff!

2008-04-07T23:30:00.002-04:00

J's older daughter is graduating from college this May. I've already started thinking about a present (simply because I have nothing else to do... Aww... come on... you know what it's like - you have SO much that you focus on the minutia... like I have to explain that!) and am not really coming up with anything...

So, in the midst of my not coming up with anything - I came up with something.

Gift certificates.

I'm thinking like $150-200 worth of gift certificates.

I figure $100 at Banana Republic. $50 at a shoes place (Aerosoles, 9 West..), $25 Jamba Juice and $25 Barnes & Noble or Borders.

So - the all important question my bloggy friends: What do you think? Is this a cop out? Should I get her a gift? Should I put the whole amount into one thing? Should I split it up into more...?

You see... this is what I do when the sheets aren't on my bed & I'm exhausted & am tossing around the idea of just sleeping on the mattress, and when my older son is late with his science project (it was due last Friday & I totally forgot), and I have piles of papers here to put away, and mail to go through, and taxes to mail out, and checks to write, and dishes to wash, and clothes to put away - that have been sitting in a pile at the foot of my bed for a week, and toothpaste to clean off the sink, and towels to pick up off the bathroom floor....

So? What do you think? And is $200 enough? (I'd actually prefer $150... but I really feel like that might not be enough? I don't know - everything's so inflated nowadays....)

2008-04-02T06:04:00.003-04:00

I woke up (and I only JUST woke up - am drinking my coffee now...) feeling all discombobulated. I feel really.... I guess... weak. I gave in to X far too easily and the worst thing about it is how it impacts so many other people. My parents have to schlep out here at 8 at night, I lose a night alone with J, and even though X might not really care - my kids lose a night with him.

The only way I can explain/rationalize it to myself... is that all the stuff of the past month has taken a bit of a psychic toll. I want my kids where I can see them. Safe. And when X started to say how the place was going to be all a shambles, no bed, no tv.. and even though I said to X "That's not a problem. They're kids. Give them a few blankets to sleep on & they can deal with one night without tv..." It made me too anxious... the idea of the kids in that chaos made me too anxious. And I let it.

But now I just feel like a fool. I sucked everybody into my anxiety.

And this whole thing with J talking to X -- makes me crazy. I'm not sure why. And that's absolutely something I need to figure out. Because like Heidi says in the comment below - it's really ok. (As is her comment! ) It's more than ok. But still. Sends waves of anxiety through my stomach when I think of it.

Gah! Sometimes I think I just think too much & just need to let stuff BE.

BUT - on another note. Get this: Last night the guy came to deliver my laundry. He picks it up on Mondays and brings it back on Tuesdays. It's my little treat to myself. To allow myself a weekend. He's a young guy & seems to get a kick out of coming by, seeing the kids (they've brought him in & showed him their gerbil...) etc. So I pay him & give him his tip & he leaves.

Door bell rings. He has $20 for me. I gave him a $25 tip instead of the usual $5 (it's a heavy bag.) So, he gave me back the $20 (thank you!!!). Max grabbed the $20 & ran away yelling "I'm rich, I'm rich!" I say goodnight to the laundry guy (John), shut the door and call after Max "You give that back!"

Door bell rings again. John is back. He has $5 that he gives to Max. Then he takes out his wallet and gives $5 to Nathan. I'm standing there open mouthed. I'm like -- you know, this is an awful lot of money for them! He's all "It's ok. It's nothing! Guys! You just listen to your mom, ok?" And leaves.

!!!!!! What was that?!? What just happened?!?

ETA - From my "hero" (J): "Wanting to keep your kids isnt really selfish - he's had multiple opportunities throughout this crises to step up - at each and EVERY point he has not. Nothing else to really say." Yeah. That's my boyfriend. I love him.

This Saturday - we are going to have WORDS.

2008-04-01T22:24:00.002-04:00

That's what J just said to me. About X. I think the straw has broken this camel's back.

I have an appointment tomorrow night - for a consultation with a child psychologist. The appointment is at 9 pm. The kids are usually at X's on Wednesdays; so I felt comfortable making that appointment. Also, it was the first available & I just want to get this all taken care of already...

X called me today. Can I switch days? Could he take the kids on Thursday instead of Wednesday? He is moving Thursday morning. (I have asked him time and again when he's moving.... with no answers...) I told him I couldn't - I have that appointment. I said I would see what I could do about finding somebody to stay with the kids - but wasn't too optimistic.

In thinking about it I realized I did not want my parents to come stay with the kids. I didn't want them here when I got back, asking me all sorts of questions... (my dad has already told me not to tell the school that Max will be going for therapy -- that it will follow him on his school record! And these are "enlightened" people!!)

So when I got home from work I phoned X. My parents cannot come. They have plans. You will have to take the kids. He's all "the apartment will be a mess, we'll be taking apart the furniture, there will be no tv..." and whining and complaining.

I start to feel anxious.

I say yes, well, see you Saturday at Little League. He asks what time the games are again. I tell him 9 am for Nathan; 1 pm for Max. AND - if he cannot take them to let me know - that I will pick them up. Then he launches into this tirade how it's so much easier for me - how everything is in Forest Hills... how it's all so difficult for him - how he has to hang around between games.. how it's so difficult with Hebrew School... that's why he doesn't take Max.

I mutter something like "ok. fine." and he's all "You have no empathy! You have no idea how difficult it is for me! You just don't understand!"

Wait a minute! What just happened here?! Did we just swap positions?!?

It continued like that for a while & I hang up. I'm feeling really anxious. I just don't want the kids to go there. I call my parents. I tell X. I tell him I will keep them for Thursday, too. I tell J. And rightly he reminds me that the kids like to be with their dad. That they need to sort out their own relationship with him.

He's right. So I'm left here feeling... well... like I gave in. Which I guess I did. X sees that I give in this time, and he'll do it again. I totally went with the anxiety & should have waited a bit. Talked it out. Something.

I talk to J later & he's all riled up. "He and I are going to have words this Saturday!" Huh? What? "This has been building for a while, and how he didn't help during Max's crisis... this is between he and I. But we're going to talk."

And that sends me into another panic. You CANNOT argue with X. You just can't. He doesn't follow the normal rules of logic and engagement. And the idea of my boys seeing the two of them arguing.... does not sit well with me at all.

I suggest that perhaps he will calm down by Saturday... but J informed me that it is unlikely.

He says that I should hire a sitter for tomorrow & "make" X pay. And I lose it. That's what everybody says -- just "make him" take Max to Hebrew School. Or "make him" pay for camp. But that is NOT reality. He will not. Sure, he might if I get a lawyer and pay the huge bucks to force him to.... he might do lots of things. But that will put the kids in the middle & it will be ugly. I'd have to take things away from him, restrict his visits with them, make him give me more money... and the tension and turmoil it would cause --for the kids and also for me -- I'm just not sure it's worth it. In the end you cannot legislate behavior & personality... and unless I have sole custody of the kids these things will just keep happening.... and in the interest of sanity (mine) I just cannot think about it. It might seem like a huge cop out... and maybe it is. But like I've said - X does not work by the normal rules. He has a different way of seeing the world.

(Doesn't this seem like the worlds longest divorce? Even though we've been legally divorced for a while now... I just don't get why things can't calm down. Maybe I answered it above: X does not play by the rules. He does what he wants & the rest of us have to work within those parameters..)

This is all new for me. J having words with X, me giving in to X so easily and quickly - I had gotten really good at standing up to him... but I think I've lost even more faith in his parenting ability.... this whole feeling anxious about having the kids there -- that's not so good, either. At this point I'm not quite sure how I feel. I'm kinda all jumbled. (Just like this post!!!)

2008-03-30T22:25:00.000-04:00

Some thoughts on my yesterday.

2008-03-26T22:29:00.002-04:00

So much happened yesterday. I'm still actually trying to process it....

When I was leaving Williamsburg to go back to the Lower East Side I noticed that quite literally no two people on my subway car were the same. No two same race & religion. Hassidic man, Latin American Woman, Asian girl... you get the idea. And at the risk of sounding trite and cheesy.... well... it kinda made me feel good. And I remembered back in NYC when they were having the riots in LA. They thought we would have them here in NYC, too. My office actually closed early, to let us get home to be "safe". I remember we didn't take subways... we walked. I remember telling some friends of mine who lived in walk up apartments.... "Come sleep at my house. I'm in a big building. I have a doorman."

We left work early and did what most young single people do when let out early from work on a nice warm day.... went to a bar. Stayed out pretty much all night. Not too smart if there were going to be riots. But there weren't.

And we all thought and talked about it the next day.. and realized that the big difference between NYC and LA is the subway. We're all together. Quite literally bodies pressed against bodies. Our heads droop on each other's shoulders when we nod off, our bags poke each other, we see each other tired at the beginning and end of work days... and that all really builds community. As strange as that seems.

So. I thought about that.

And I thought about how X actually finally realized that I did/do something. While walking to the subway yesterday, on my way home to take Max to the ER I called X to tell him. I lost it. I asked him if he knew how difficult this has been, and what he experiences is a fraction of what I experience. He said: "I know." "I don't know how you do it."

Stunned silence.

NevereverevereverevereverEVER has X realized what I do. NEVER.

Later he thanked me for taking Max to the ER. Thanked me It was strange to be thanked for taking care of my son... so I'm actually not really sure where to go with that one.

When I talk to J about all this Max stuff he always says we should do this for him, or we could take him to that doctor.. We. A small word. But I notice it. I totally notice it. It's like it's in boldface. It's not you. It's we. (Just to... you know... drive home that point. We.) And. Well. Wow. I'm obviously having a very difficult time accepting this. (As evidenced by Heidi's comment in my previous post. She's right.) I can't really digest the "we" thing. I think... not in the true sense of the word.

Gotta sort that all out, because he is so obviously very there for me... and it's not wrong to need somebody. To need help. And of course I wouldn't think twice about doing the same for him...

Today I kinda got a slap upside my head. I was talking to one of the child therapists & telling him about Max. How he yells in pain. And the therapist kept saying "That poor boy." And my brain flipped. I had been feeling so beleaguered. So overwhelmed. So annoyed. So ... well... so damn sick of his yelling - that I kind of lost track of WHY he was yelling. Even if it's not pain in the physical sense... something is hurting him. For real.

So when I came home today & the sitter told me he was fine all day.. and he starts yelling and moaning that his stomach hurts. As if on cue. I tried. I really truly tried. Then I told him to go in his room and yell. Such a good, kind, social worker mom.

How I Spent My Day (So Far)

2008-03-25T14:57:00.004-04:00

This day. Oy. (ETA - This was started yesterday -- before I actually knew how the whole rest of my day would go...)

Slept through my alarm. Totally. Just didn't hear it. Running around getting ready before I wake up the kids & hear a moan... "Mooommmm.... my stomach. It hurts more than yesterday! More than last night!"

Last night I had found out the magical Pokemon Cure. You haven't heard of it? It's the one where you tell your ailing child that if he/she/it makes it through the week you will buy he/she/it a Pokemon Card on Ebay. It's amazing. Works wonders. Ears perk. Stomachs stop hurting.. or at least the VOLUME of the stomach ache is taken down a few notches... it's kinda, almost, all forgotten...

So I responded to the moan: "Remember... you make it through this week.... Pokemon!"

Silence.

It was a tough morning, but relative to the ones I've been having lately... a piece 'o cake.

We make it out & up to the bus. I went off to work - although today I had to visit a client at a nursing home out in Brooklyn. This is the client who got the trach even though he had a living will that stated he did not want to be attached to any machines.

As I'm walking out of the subway my phone rings. It's X. Did I hear from Max's school? The nurse had called him (!!!!) to pick Max up. I said - No. Call them. Say he's staying at school. A roar from the other end of the phone: "I can't! It's crazy today! I can't do this!" I take the wimps way out & say fine. I go into nearby store & call the nurse. Max isn't there. As I'm on the phone with her the school calls. I talk to the woman who works in the office. Max came in with a teacher. His stomach hurts. It's been hurting for 6 weeks. If I do not come pick him up they will call an ambulance.

(It's been hurting for 6 weeks!?!? Really?!?! Well, watcha know! I had NO FRIGGIN' IDEA!) Gah!

I told her everything that has been going on: Three Doctors, One Pediatric GI, No stomach aches on the weekend, the professional opinion (from my shrink) that it does him more harm than good to bring him home... etc, etc, etc. She is sympathetic & transfers me to the.... Assistant Principal.

The Assistant Principal is probably the best person in the school. A very warm, kind, professional woman. I like/respect her very much. So, I tell her the same thing. She said yes, but the teacher was very alarmed. I explain how Max is VERY dramatic. She puts the teacher on the phone with me. I explain to the teacher. She sounds unsure but says "ok, I guess you have to do what's best..." I respond (just at the absolute total end of my rope at this point) that I do NOT have a crystal ball. That I AM trying to do what's best. That I have to rely on my instincts and professionals - all of whom are telling me that there is nothing physically wrong with him. I say that I am sorry if he is disruptive, but I'm just trying to do what is best for him."

I hang up and realize that I am in a Kosher store. I pick up some Kosher marshmallows, which are actually very hard to find. I tell the Hassidic man behind the counter that these are very hard to find. He very obviously could care less. I must go on, though, and say "I guess I haven't been going to the right places." He gives me a "please leave now" smile. (Kosher marshmallows are good for people who are veggies - since marshmallows have gelatin in them that's made from animals.

I went to the NH to see my client. As I'm walking I'm realizing I'm getting some funny looks from people. Then I remembered: I'm in Williamsburg. Brooklyn. This is an area that now is thought of as the young, hip area -- but actually still has a very large Hassidic Jewish population. And there I was. In the middle of it. They were looking at me. Wearing pants. Head not covered. And when I tell you that EVERYBODY there was orthodox/Hassidic -- I am NOT exaggerating. It's not often that a white woman has the chance to feel like a minority.... but I did.

Get to NH. See client. He is in a lovely private room. He has a tube attached to his trachea, a tube feeding him into his stomach, a tube draining his urine. He was awake but would not open his eyes. I told him we haven't forgotten about him. I told him we are trying to get him home. I told him that it is his choice if he wants to have the tube in, or not. That he has to think about it. He turns his head to the wall. I tell him I will be back to see him again.

I talk to the nurse who tells me they are weaning him from the vent. Three hours a day. But he is 87. It will take a long time. Then she says: "You know, we are a Jewish facility. We will not disconnect him."

Oh.

Well, better (for me, I guess) knowing that from the start. I leave not sure how to feel about all this. What can I do? What did I do?

I take the subway back. I stop off at The Essex Street Market which is nearby but I've never been able to go to. I buy myself a carrot cake truffle and wonder at food's ability to comfort.

I get into work and promptly get a headache that I still have now.

Max's school calls. Stomach still hurts. I call sitter. Pick him up.

I talk to one child therapist who is no longer taking patients. She tells me she can hear the anxiety in my voice. She takes pity & gives me referrals for others.

I work. I leave to go on a home visit. As I'm walking to the client I call my house. I tell the sitter that she should still bring Max to Hebrew School. She says he's been laying in his bed for most of the time. I call J. I think it's just time to bring him to the ER. My Dad is actually at my house, I ask if he can stay. He will.

I go on Home Visit. Client is being terrorized by her neighbors. They yell when she puts on her fan. They yell when she puts on her tv. They watch her. She is starting to yell at them. From her apartment to theirs. They are starting to call the management company. She asks if I think she is crazy? I tell her. "Ignore them. If they yell - just ignore them. If they scare or intimidate you - just ignore them. They are bullying you. That's the best way to deal with a bully." She listens. She agrees. I wonder how long that will last and leave.

(Sorry this is so long. It was a long ass day.)

I go home. Both of my parents getting on my nerves. I feel like my mother is telling me that I need to do certain things with Max that I have not done yet. I do not want them to come with me to the ER. I call J. Please. Come. I. Cannot. Deal. Too much. He had plans with his sister. He says I will meet you there later. I had oh so many conflicted feelings: Don't ask him. Ask him. Do it on your own. Need him. Don't bother him. That's what relationships are for; it's no bother. He tells me to be quiet and he will be there.

We go to ER. Me. Max. My Dad. We do all the registration, the triage, etc, etc. Max is scared. He wants to go home. I talk to triage nurse who understands where I'm at. She's like listen: You can put in the time tonight & get the tests done, or wait another two weeks for a GI appointment. I tell Max we are staying. I have to stop the madness.

We sit. Sit. Sit. Sit.

J. comes with his sister. She teaches 3rd grade. She says that she has lots of boys with stomach aches. She does not even let them go to the nurse. I think I have to talk again to Max's teacher.

We go in. One Dr. checks him. Two doctors check him. (We're up to 7 doctors now, people!) He gets an x-ray of his abdomen. He pees in a cup.

He's... say it with me now.... Fine.

Except I have to give him a suppository. Yech. Nice to have another new parenting experience.

We go home. J stays over. We crash at 12:30. I wake up this morning with yesterday's headache raging... telling J I had a bad dream that we spent the night in the ER.

Max will be staying home from school today. I will be calling more therapists.

You Have to Separate....

2008-03-24T14:25:00.002-04:00

That's what a co-worker just said to me. That I have to try to keep my home stuff home.. and not let it impact me so much at work.

And she's right.

But how the heck to people do it?!?

Honestly, as you can tell from this blog I've never really been able to keep my stuff in. I haven't figured out, yet, if that's good or bad... and I'm really really trying to learn how/when NOT to spill... (Like the time in high school I told my new employer at the bakery that maybe he did not want me to come in on a weekend... I was new, and not so experienced and maybe.. didn't he think.. the weekend might be a bit much for me? Yeah, he didn't call again.)

I am way, way, too honest & today I got an email from my supervisor. She is starting to "document our supervision for clarity." What does that mean to me? That she's creating a paper trail. I'm not too concerned, because I know I can pull myself back... but it kind of took me by surprise, I guess.

Issues discussed were concerns about personal life kids being sick and
Amy having to miss work. B stated she understood that children are her
priority but she is concerned with how much more Amy can take on and how the
stress is impacting her. Amy said she is trying to keep up with her work and
feels she has been able to. B and Amy also spoke regarding her
monthly stats which have been low since Dec. all full time social workers are to
be pulling in 80 hrs a month. B suggested Amy review her stats and make
sure she is documenting everything.

I had felt like she's supportive.. somebody to talk to... and I guess she is -- but I also guess that she has to be "manager" first.

But lately? This working mom thingy... not really liking it too much. I feel like I can't do either thing well. Not parent or my job. I'm not as good at either as I'd like.

I know it's a tough patch now (Max screamed and screamed this morning - I had to carry him out of his bed - we did not leave the house until 8:10 for an 8:20 bus. He's saying now that he's dizzy, too. He would not move. Didn't eat anything. Didn't even go to the bathroom, I made him dress - practically dressed him. I actually left a message w/the pediatrician for a name of a local therapist. This is almost becoming like a panic disorder & I just do not know what to do.) I come into work every morning with my kishkas in a twist. And I notice it's starting to upset Nathan, too. Max's stomach was FINE over the weekend. FINE. Nathan's fever went away by Saturday... luckily.

Now just to make it through the rest of this week...

2008-03-21T14:13:00.003-04:00

Today I did (have been doing) something I have not done in a long long time. Nothing. Not a thing. Have not even showered yet. (Shhhh)

Yep. I called in sick. Kids are with X all day, from last night and I just called in sick. I suppose in a sense I was sick. Everybody at work yesterday gave me the "are you ok?" look. You know the one? Where you look like crap & people are starting to get worried. And the truth is, by yesterday I had totally reached my saturation point. This sickness, this back and forth from work and home with emergency phone calls, trips to doctor, X... and a wee bit o' PMS... well - not a good mix.

Nathan has this on again off again fever. Brought him to the Dr. Sunday & she gave him an antibiotic for a sinus infection. By Wednesday he still had fever. I had the sitter take him to the doctor. The doctor switched meds (hey, did I write this already? Am I repeating blog posts? omigod. There is nothing more pathetic than not remembering if you've written something in your blog already or not!!! Well, I'm home sick - so I should be forgiven.) and said that if his fever is not down with the new med then we have to take him for a blood test. For Mono.

Mono.

Wednesday, after dealing with a HELL of a morning trying to get Max out of bed and to school "MOM you are making a BAD decision! My stomach HURTS!") having the school nurse call me in the middle of a training session, having the sitter call me in a near panic because Nathan's fever went up so much... I had to deal with Max yelling.. ohhhhh... about THREE HOURS. From about six until 8 pm. "MOM MY STOMACH HURTS! IT HURTS! A BAD DECISION! I'M TELLING YOU! IT HURTS!" If anybody had happened by they would have thought I was the most heartless person in the world. "Ok Max. It hurts. Stop yelling. Or, if you have to yell go into your room. Or the bathroom. Just BE QUIET!"

But it's hard. And we've already discussed that wee part of me that is NOT so sure it's nothing... and three hours straight of yelling... well.. I just think - is it possible for a person to keep up a pretense for that long?!?

So, yesterday they were both home. I caved. Nathan still had fever. They were supposed to go to X's Thursday night through Sunday. (My mom was all "how can you send them? He can't take care of them!") But I said to Nathan - do you want to stay here & he responded that he wants to go to his Dad's.. Sooo... I sent X emails of all the meds he'd have to buy (motrin, tums) a thermometer... (And don't ask me how Max's stomach was yesterday at home, last night, or today - or I'll have to kill somebody. It was, of course, fine. Even X is now starting to say maybe we should find somebody for Max to talk to -- but that's probably another post...)

In the end I caved again - and just bought them for him. I figured, I'm so stressed... why add to it wondering if he's going to get the stuff. So I bought him a thermometer, motrin, tums... I packed up all of the kids' meds in little plastic bags, each one labeled... and oh - I've actually done ONE thing today. I've called and texted X about 25 million times.

I texted him at 7:30 am. "Take Nathan's temp before you give him the motrin. first thing in the morning" Then at 8:30 - "give him lots of liquids." Then at noon - called.

His temp which had been going from 101 - 103 has not gone above 99 today... so I'm cautiously hopeful. If not, X will have to take Nathan for the blood test tomorrow.

Now, time to get back to my nothing.

2008-03-19T06:44:00.003-04:00

Isn't it so horrible that I feel like I have to get all medical care done for my kids before Friday? From Friday - Sunday they will be with X & I can't depend that he will do... well... anything.

I don't want to miss more work - so I am asking my babysitter to bring Nathan to the Dr today. I am depending on somebody I pay -- more than the children's father.

I know. I said no expectations. And this IS no expectations. But I just can't stop being so incredulous about it....

Have to stop the incredulity (a word?) too.

Greetings from the Sick House

2008-03-19T00:07:00.004-04:00

Yep. Fun times afoot.

Nathan has had this weird sort of illness. On again off again. He has fever, about 102-103 one day & the next it's gone - with this strange kind of cough. At first it was loose, but now it's actually becoming a bit more serious.... This has been going on for about two weeks. Brought him to the Dr. on Sunday, she said maybe a sinus infection, gave him antibiotic & he was better Monday. Today: fever again. Gonna take him back to the doctor (hopefully an early appointment!) and my sitter is going to be here the whole day.

I figure I'm not going to stress over whether or not X will help with the extra babysitter money. I need her to come, so I will ask her to come. Too many stresses (missing work, will he pay...) have to cut down on that. Just have to live how I have to live, and if he helps -- all the better.

Max was stomach ache free all the rest of Friday (after X was able to get him off to school) and Saturday... and all of a sudden.... Sunday evening, wouldn'tcha know... Then, yesterday morning it was an absolute teeth gnashing fight to get him out the door.... Allow me to describe: "Max. Get up!" "I can't! It hurts" "Max. Get up!" "But MOM - it really really hurts!" "Max. Get up." "MOM!!" "MAX GET UP OUT OF THAT BED RIGHT NOW! IF WE MISS THAT BUS I WILL BE LIVID!"

Max slithers out of bed, kind of like a snail, or a snake, or maybe more like an inchworm. He can't stand up, you know - because "IT HURTS!" (Sorry, reached my sympathy quota last week.) He inches his way, on his stomach, to the couch. He gets there. "I'll have a flip flop waffle." As right as rain.

Hmmmmm

Then he starts with the Pokemon cards. He is not moving. Not eating. Not getting dressed. Not nothing. Just Pokemon. "Max. Put down the cards. Eat your breakfast." "Ok." "Max. Put down the cards. Get dressed." "Ok." "Max. Your breakfast! Clothes! Put DOWN the cards!" "Ok." "MAXPUTTHOSECARDSDOWNRIGHTNOWORI'MTAKINGTHEMAWAY!" "Ok."

Snatch.

"Oooohhhh... my cards! Ohhhh... you are the MEANEST MOMMY EVER! I am NOT getting dressed UNTIL I get the cards back! I'm NOT!"

(Said in a cold, quiet voice) "Maxwell. I have the power. I have the cards. You will get dressed. Also, if we miss that bus, you know that whole binder of cards that you have...." He got dressed. We walk out the door - and dontcha know - he's fine. Like the whole morning trauma: POOF! Gone.

This morning was eerily similar. Except his hurting/screaming was far more dramatic. I got out my camera phone and videoed. I couldn't believe the drama, the pathos, the nearly real tears....

But he got really upset. He said "I can't believe you humiliate me like that!" "Humiliate?" How does my seven year old even know that word?!? I apologize. I told him I was just trying to calm him down. He said "Did your mom ever do stuff like that to YOU?" I said "Oh no - but she did other things..." (You can talk to your shrink, kid, like I do to mine!)

I don't know... does his stomach really hurt? I think it does.. but I can't understand why it's just during the week? Could the stress of school really manifest itself into these stomach aches? I see him wince in pain, and I can't imagine a seven year old could keep up this pretence for so long...

All his tests came back normal (Celiac, Crohns, etc) I have to take a stool sample (yuck! Even yuckier when I asked the Dr how... don't worry - I won't tell you!) to test for H. Pylori. Every doctor says he's "fine" -- and I have to believe them, right?

But ugh. I'm totally reaching saturation point with all this, that's for sure.

I think I need to start meditating...

2008-03-15T09:50:00.002-04:00

(And you know, I almost started to write medicating... which might be ok, too...)

Thursday was parent teacher conference day. I met X & the boys at the school and we all went. The kids got good reports & I was really happy. Max's got amazing scores in reading, and his teacher recognizes that he knows his math - just makes silly mistakes. (Apparently all the boys just want to get their quizzes in first - not caring what the answers are!!) And Nathan's teacher said he's right on track. She showed us how he reads, and also said that he's not as timid with his friends, but is very timid with her.

As we leave X says to me: "What do you think about Nathan's reading. Or lack of it?"

I mention how he's just in his first year of school. But X doesn't hear.

X says: "I think Nathan is so timid because you coddle him. I saw you kiss him after he read that page! You treat him like a baby, that's why he's so timid!" I respond that I think Nathan is so timid - so afraid to make mistakes - because X is so critical.

X states that he is NOT critical. (This is the same man who said to me: "I think Max will do just fine on the gifted test, but I think Nathan will have troubles & maybe should not even do it.") I say that all I ever hear from X about Nathan is critical -- and that while he might not say it directly to Nathan... this is how he feels & this is what he picks up.

X scoffs.

I know I can't even say anything to him, because he won't take it in. He'll say: "I'm just saying it because it's true. I have to speak the truth." He has personality disorder. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a psychiatrist. But I know. Everything around him has to be perfect.

I get so angry at him. So angry. And there's no where to go with it. Friday morning he called. He had the kids - Max's stomach was hurting. I said to give him some pepto or mylanta... He doesn't have. I told him 20 times, in 20 different ways to get it. He didn't. So Max suffers. I say he has to go to school. X says he won't get out of bed. I say he will. Just slowly. I say: "Now you know what I go through every morning." He curses at me and hangs up.

I realize again that the no expectations has to extend to the fact that he will not buy or purchase anything for the boys. If I want them to have these things, I'm going to have to buy them. (I've decided that I'm going to give him a bag of kids' medications for Father's Day.)

So I really have to try to reset my mind. To have no expectations at all. I can't let him get me upset over things that he just will not do. He cannot do. It does no good.

But I still have all the anger. And even if I buy him the meds for the kids, he'll keep saying those things about them. That I can't change.

And the anger that is just starting to sit in my stomach is, at times, overwhelming. I have no where to go with it.

I blog it.

I talk to my shrink about it.

I tell everybody I can about it. I have to get it out.

But I'm starting to think that maybe some sort of meditation.. some way to calm myself down... might be a good idea.

I really just hate him.

2008-03-12T23:51:00.002-04:00

I am realizing that I never feel more like a single parent; that I never feel more alone than when one of my kids is sick.

We brought Max to the Pediatric GI specialist on Monday. She took some blood (celiac, crohns, etc) but pretty much said that she thought it was just that his system hadn't gotten back in synch from a past stomach virus. She suggested accidopholous. She said he could go back to school.

I spent most of Tuesday fighting with the school nurse who said to me: "But he wants to go home." To which I replied: "Don't most kids?" I mean, really!?!?! She told him he should be home. She told him I should take him to the doctor. She told him he shouldn't go to Hebrew School that evening. (Hey, maybe she's working for X!!!) The fact that I told her that I've already taken him to THREE doctors (one a SPECIALIST) didn't really seem to.... well... sink in.

And Oh - Monday? The day after X told me that Nathan had a headache? He was home sick. Fever and a cough. He was home Tuesday, too -with 103/104 fever. (He gets high fevers.)

Today? After fighting with Max all day Tuesday and Tuesday night? He wakes up with a temperature of 101. Nathan? Fine. Max's temperature went up to 102 & I just walked by his room & heard him moaning. Which is what caused me to come over here.

I hate this part. I hate not ever being sure. I'm not sure if this is a universal parent thing, or just me... but honestly... my mind just goes to the absolute WORST place. Worst. Like TV Movie of the Week stuff.

J says "For somebody who usually has such good judgement.... with this... well....I'm not so sure" And I know. I can't handle it. I do the inside panic. I keep a very very tenuous grasp on logic and reality... and start slipping off to comas, wheelchairs, amputated limbs.... ("Yes, I know it just started with a fever and a cough... but then it suddenly escalated! And! And! 911 was called. Oxygen administered! And now... we wait... in the ICU to see what happens....")

Should I go into script writing?

I'm making a joke about this because part of me does realize how crazy it is. But the other part... and being here by myself and suffering through it... just sucks.

(And lets not even go into the single parent logistical contortions I have to do with one kid sick & the other one well... bus stops.. parties...)

(And let's also not talk about X not able to come tomorrow & me being late again to work.)

Nope. Let's not.

I'll save it for another time. I hear Max whimpering...

Tell me this never happens to you!

2008-03-10T10:47:00.002-04:00

The other night. At J's house. We both woke up for some reason at about 3 am. As we were both drifting back to sleep all of a sudden I said: "The orange! You have to remind me!"

He was, understandably, confused. Orange?

"YES! Behind my couch! It's been there for a week! I keep forgetting! It's going to rot and smell! You HAVE to remind me!"

And I fell back to sleep.

He told me about it the next morning, totally amused. I choose to see it as maximizing my resources and making sure I get the task done.

It's now in the garbage.

2008-03-10T08:54:00.002-04:00

So, since about Friday I've been feeling all my tension in my stomach. That has never happened before. Ahhh, the mother child connection. A wonderful thing.

Sooo... where do I begin with this? Max had little league practice on Saturday. Saturday morning. At 9 am. The kids were with X for the weekend. I had initially thought both kids had practice - at the same time - so scrambled around to figure out how we could make that work. Because X had the kids and I hold absolutely NO illusions that he would worry about this. I spoke to a woman who lives in my building. Her husband is Max's coach, the boys are friends. She said that they would drive to Sunnyside and pick Max up. He had already missed one practice & she said there was no reason for him to miss another.

It ended up that Nathan's practice was cancelled - so only once child to one practice. The offer still stood for Max to get a ride, but I told my neighbors that I'd check with X. It's only one child... but then you never know with ole' X....

Spoke to X the Friday before. Asked him. He responded absolutely affirmatively. Yes. He will take Max. It's at a location that is easily accessible. I reminded him that Max COULD get a ride.. but he said he WOULD take him.

You know where this is going, right?

Sunday morning X calls me up. "Nathan has a headache and his leg hurts." (Ummm... so you're calling me why?) I ask: Does he have fever? Does he seem lethargic? Has he been eating? X responds with: "I didn't call you to be interrogated." Still in relatively good humor I respond that I was NOT interrogating, but asking the normal questions a person asks when a child is not feeling well. That there are certain ways you can assess how sick a child really is. I told him to give Nathan some children's Tylenol & take his temperature. (Realizing the whole time that the reason he called me up was for me to say "He's sick? Ok, I'll pick the kids up earlier. I'll deal with it.") I asked how Max had been - he said fine. No complaints all weekend. I asked about practice... (wait for it... wait for it.....) No. They did not go.

I saw red. WHY?!?!? He could have gotten a ride there if you didn't want to take him! He's only made one practice because you didn't take him to the first, and the only reason he made it to the 2nd practice was J went out at SIX AM to get his parents' car to take him!!! X responded that Max's stomach was "sore" so they didn't go. Ummm.. then HOW COME YOU TOLD ME HIS STOMACH HAD BEEN FINE?!? I said, that really - if his stomach had been sore that when I asked he would have said "It was sore on Saturday morning & we didn't go to practice...." I laced into him: "Don't you understand the value of practice? He's on a higher level team this year! They are learning how to pitch! Also, the bonding with the teammates before the season! Not feeling like he's the only one who doesn't know..." I was beyond livid. Beyond. X responds: "I think I know more about sports than you do." I scream "Then put it into action!" and hang up. Luckily I hung up before he heard the string of epithets that came out of my mouth. J heard them, though.

I could not move for a good ten minutes. Just sat there with my hands over my face. J comforted me. We will buy him a mitt, we will practice next weekend. I'll take him to a batting cage. It'll be ok. We'll make sure he gets to all his games. But J is also baffled. He kept saying "Baseball practice was such a great bonding time for me and my dad..." and "But this is what you do? This is what parents do. I drove my girls all over the place. I didn't sleep late for 20 years!"

I'm thinking... what if I try for sole custody? But then what would that do to/for the kids? They like being with their dad. They love it. They love him. He (in his strange, selfish way) loves them. I can't really do it.

I resolve to (try to) not have any expectations of X at all. I resolve to (try to) not get upset when these things happen. But then I think.... what does that do to me if I'm not phased by this? Isn't it better that I still have some standards? I'm not sure I can suspend all expectations I have for my children's father. Not sure at all.

Just Take. The. Time.

2008-03-06T15:00:00.002-05:00

That's what my boss said to me about a half hour ago. "You have the time. Take it. Resolve this." (Not in a mean way, more in a I can see how this is wearing on you way...)

And it is.

The school nurse called again today. Max came to her office & she said that he "seems to be in real pain." More than other times. She was like: "I understand you want to wait, but you really should get this checked." I explained that I was at work, could not leave right away, and that it would take me about an hour in travel time. I also said that I would call my sitter - to see if she could get there before me.

I check my work voice mail - a message from Max's teacher. She NEVER calls. Max seems really uncomfortable. In pain. She's been watching and doesn't think there's anything bothering him. "I understand that you want to wait, but you really should get this checked."

I fly out of work in a near panic, visualizing him crying for me... in an ambulance.... on his way to the hospital for an emergency stomachache-ectomy! Or some such immediate emergency procedure that can't wait for me to return! Of course! There I am, on the subway.. unable to be reached by cell phone. I don't know if I can really explain that feeling... knowing your child could be in possible distress - that this is the fastest way to get to him - and being totally out of contact. (And yes, I know, this is how it was before cell phones.. but allow me my moment of drama!)

I call a friend who lives in my building. She is conveniently (for me) out of work. She picked up Max. You know, my sitter is very competent.. but I just felt better having him with a MOM. (Ok, a Dad would have been ok, too...)

I pick him up. He's fine. Hungry. "My stomach hurts a little..."

I talk to my boss. She was very nice. "Soo..... You really should have that checked, you know?"

All these people, of course, want this resolved. As do I. But I was hoping to be able to do it in the least invasive way possible...

I left a message for the Dr. (about 4 hours ago! Why haven't they called me back yet?!?!) and I guess I'll just see.....

A Fake Ache?

2008-03-04T22:56:00.002-05:00

Max's stomach still hurts. I kept him home Monday & took him to the Dr. Again. We saw another Dr in the practice who was a bit... errr... surprised that the first doctor had prescribed the Belladonna/Phenobarb. She said that it might actually have messed him up even more.

That's just dandy.

She could find nothing wrong so told Max he had to go to school, to go to the nurse only "if he's dying" and told me to give him some fiber. She said that if it's still hurting in 3-4 days then we'll start the tests.

Monday evening it was HELL here. Max was screaming in pain. I nearly brought him to the ER, but called my friend H who talked me down. She was like "does he look like he's in pain?" I look over at my ruddy faced boy who is pouring through his Pokemon cards. He's not pale. He's not sweating. He's not doubled over.

I don't doubt that he's feeling something. I believe him. BUT - I also think that he is VERY good at the drama...

And also - he keeps saying "I don't want to go to school! Mom, I think you're making a Very Bad Decision to send me to school!" (Yeah, well kid - it wouldn't be the first and it won't be the last!)

It's hard to keep that level head in the midst of all the sturm and drang. And it's hard to prevent the What If's from sneaking into your brain. What If it's something bad? What If it REALLY DOES hurt him that much and you're just ignoring it? What If his appendix just BURSTS and you have to clean burst appendix off the couch?

He goes to sleep & sleeps through the night. The next morning X phones to find out how he is. He asks Max about this boy at the bus stop. It seems X had noticed that this boy hadn't been to nice to Max. X has keen bully radar. I never noticed. It turns out this boy pushes Max, calls him names, and "uses bad words." He's in 4th grade.

I told Max I'd write a note to the teacher. And, for a little while, he seemed ok & I thought I had the problem solved. For a little while (it was good while it lasted) - then he was back again.

Sent him to school - at about 10:30 the nurse calls. I explain. She says ok, he "doesn't look sick" so we won't send him home. She freaks out about the Belladonna... (Join the club!)

Teacher calls - Max is doing fine at school, will get great report card, and is also doing very well socially. She can't think of anything that could be bothering him. Great. I mean, if he had been having problems then MY problem would be solved. But no. He has to be all well adjusted and smart. Just my luck!

He makes it through the day. Goes to Nurse three times, but she doesn't call me. He goes to Hebrew School. His stomach is STILL hurting tonight.

I'm just at a friggin' loss.

If it's still hurting by Thursday I guess I'll take him in for tests.

Tell me - does it ever happen that a person (doesn't have to be me, although that sure would be nice...) gets one month of calmness? No events? I have realized, in my old age, that nobody has the perfect life. Everybody has their "stuff" -- but damn! I'd even take two weeks!

THIS is the part of parenting that I hate

2008-02-29T06:13:00.002-05:00

Max has a stomach ache. No other symptoms. Just. A. Stomach Ache. It has been pretty much been going on since last week - but more constant now. And the difficult thing is, the no other symptoms part. If there was fever: a virus. Vomiting? A virus. This? Nothing. He's fine otherwise.

And when my son has a stomach ache does he suffer quietly? Does he moan, quietly, in his room? Right. You know he doesn't. "MOM! It hurts!" (Yeah. That's what stomach aches do.) "MOM! I have a stomach ache?" (Really? You have a stomach ache? I had no idea!!!) "MOM!!!!" (Yeah. That's what they call me.)

Sympathy just oozes from my pores. I know.

But seriously. He's had this for a few days with no other symptoms. (Did I mention that already?) And yes, everybody asks: He's "regular." And I've tried to find out if something is wrong @ school... or something - but he claims not. And he's a talker, he's not much for keeping things in (he's like me - probably be set up with his own blog in a year or so!) so I don't think that it's stress, or something like that.

And, I believe him. I don't think it's a ploy.

We stayed home from school/work on Wednesday & I brought him to the Dr. Dr felt for appendicitis, felt for "masses" (thanks, Doc - my mind didn't even GO to that place - so thanks for giving me something else to worry about!) etc. There was nothing obviously wrong. He asked a bit about diet & bathroom habits. Then he said that he was going to prescribe a "muscle relaxant" - that's been around since he was a kid. Fine. I asked if it would make him drowsy, he said probably not - "at this dose."

I get home from drug store. Open the bag. See the name of the medication on the bottle: "Belladonna/Phenobarbitol" !!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't Belladonna that, like, poisonous plant? And phenobarbitol... a BARBITUATE! For my little boy?!?!? I couldn't bring myself to give it to him. I felt it was like shooting a rabbit with an uzi (or something like that.)

So I figured - let me really really watch his diet. Keep it clean. Have him eat only very bland foods & see what happens. He goes to X's Wed night. I tell X - "Bland foods" He was going to take them for pizza. I say: "Bland foods" He gives Max soft boiled egg. With pepper. I say "Bland foods" he gives Max bologna with mayo for lunch.

Yep.

And oh. Max's stomach was hurting after breakfast at X's. X tells him "you're going to school - tell the nurse." So, who gets the call at work? After a day of missing work? Right. Luckily it was late enough in the day that the sitter was able to go over & pick Max up... otherwise I would have had to leave & miss more work.

I call X to ask him why he sent Max to school. He said Max was "bullshitting." That he's "not really sick." And I was all: "And that's not really the school nurse calling me to pick him up, either." I explained in very well thought out words why he cannot send a child who is yelling and screaming with a stomach ache to school. AND - (because I know X gave this so much thought) how it impacted ME. I touched on the bologna & the bland food issue, too... but talking to a brick wall isn't my favorite thing to do.

Gah!

So I gave Max the (evil) med last night & am keeping him home today. Dr. said to call two days after he's on the med to see what's what. If it still hurts he's going to have to go for "tests" etc.

BUT, BUT, BUT!!! Big news! For the First. Time. EVER my parents are taking the kids overnight!!! Tonight! There is a Walter Wick (I Spy Books) exhibit at a museum near their house & they want to take them... so they're picking them up after school... And the kids are willing to do it! (The mention of Pokemon cards had absolutely NOTHING to do with that! I promise you!) So, we'll see. They might keep them the whole weekend... but we'll see how it goes.

So that part's ok.

My 400th Post!

2008-02-24T19:36:00.002-05:00

Yep. Scary, isn't it. Of course some aren't real "posts" some are articles, videos, etc, etc.... so I think we can chop a good 25 or so off the number. So I'll get back to you when it's 425.

Hmm... that was entertaining, wasn't it?

Question: When does a divorced mother have a weekend with out her kids and yet spend most of her days with them? Answer: When she is divorced from X.

Well, honestly, to be fair I don't know that he could have done this without me. And J. Both boys had Little League practice on Saturday. In two different places. (X didn't take Nathan to the one the week before... don't ask....) So I offered X for J & I to take Max to his practice & X take Nathan. Then Sunday Nathan was invited to a birthday party out on Long Island... X doesn't have a car... and I knew he would not bother himself to find somebody to give them a ride. SO - J once again generously helped. We took Nathan to the party.

And yeah, well, I realized something about myself. When I was with X I was always bothered how he never did anything for me. It was all about him. And when we split, and I was dating again one thing I put in my JDate profile was that I was looking for somebody who would "think of me as much and as often as he thinks of himself."

So I found J. Who is wonderful. Who is thoughtful. Who totally went out of his way, got up earlier, drove many more miles for me. For my kids. And it made me crazy. I felt so badly. So guilty. I was taking up his time. I using up his gas. He was forced to go to a party for five year olds... how awful for him. He didn't get to sleep late.... I can go on, but I'm sure you get the gist.

Issues much?

Gah! So we kind of talked about it & he was like "ummm... this is what we do for each other..." And I KNOW that.. but I don't. (You know, that dichotomy thing mentioned in the previous "I'm so neurotic" post. Should tag these things...) He even point blank said to me: "I will tell you if/when it's too much. It's not. Don't worry."

Ahhh.... I can hear my shrink: "We have lots of work to do, here, young grasshopper..."

And sometimes, I am just -- Without Words

2008-02-19T22:37:00.003-05:00

The other morning Nathan said to me: "Mom, I saw you naked. I saw you when you were getting dressed!"

So, being the mature mother that I am, having read all the parenting books & knowing that this is what kids do - I responded: "And what did you think?"

And he responded: "It was beautiful."

........

My kids. Well. They just leave me without words.

So sad...

2008-02-15T11:36:00.002-05:00

I've mentioned before - either in this blog or in my old one - about a woman who lives in my building. She is a single mom and has a daughter the same age as Max. This woman has no boundaries. She says horribly innappropriate things. All the time.

Lately we've been on the same morning schedule. We all bump into each other in the elevator. For some reason I have offended her & she has been pointedly ignoring me. Which is fine. Except that a few weeks ago it kinda freaked out my kids as I was YELLING to get her to answer a question as to whether the bus has come or not. Imagine: She is about 10 feet away from me. I am asking her a question. SHe does not answer. I should have left it alone, simply because my kids were there -- but I didn't want to have to walk to the bus if I didn't have to... so I was just asking if it had already come... and she ignored me. Absolutely and totally.

At the bus stop all the kids play together. Tag. Hide and Seek. Except for her daughter. She keeps her close to her. THe other day, it was raining & she just said "The other kids will get sick, you stay with me under the umbrella..." the little girl looks out at the other kids & just watches them all have fun.

One time X brought the kids to the bus stop & he called me. He could not believe this woman. She came up to him: "I hear you're getting remarried. YOur old marriage was so bad you have to get married again so quickly?" He responded that his other marriage was not SO bad & that we have been apart about 4 years... He was freaked out. He quickly moved away from her.

Other times, when she used to talk to me, she would express how worried she was that she would lose her job - because she had to bring her daughter to the bus stop. And how horrible it would be if she lost her job. And how horribly difficult it is to get ready in the morning & get herself out to work. ALl on her own. (And yes, oh how I want to say: "but you only have ONE! I have TWO! And somehow I manage.." but I know that would not really help at all.) But imagine her daughter being there? Hearing all this? Hearing what a horrible burden she is, and how her mother might lose her job - because of her?

This morning I, again, bumped into them on the elevator. The kids were with X so I was by myself. I smiled. Mentioned again how we're on the same schedule. She starts muttering... "It's so hard. So hard being a single mom. YOu know how it is. He's so awful. I'd take him to court but it would stress me out so much I'd get a heart attack. I don't want to get a heart attack. YOu're lucky - you have it so good! Can you imagine, her father didn't call her for Valentines Day! What sort of father is that?"

I look over at the girl... my heart breaking that she has to hear all this... "But you had a good day anyhow, didn't you?" I say. Her mother responds: "Of course she did! I'm a good mother!"

But... um... she's not. I've been thinking about this all morning. I think about it a lot, actually. Because if you see physical abuse there is something you can do - somebody to call... but really. What can I do here. This is abuse. The way she is in front of this girl. The things she shares with her.

That poor girl. It just breaks my heart.

2008-02-13T06:33:00.003-05:00

Nathan to me as we are standing wedged in the corner of a crowded train from Manhattan to Forest Hills: (Apropos, I must add - to absolutely nothing)

"Mom. I don't think the Pacifier Fairy took my pacifiers. I think you did. I think you took them and threw them out!"

To which I respond that I most certainly did NOT.

Max: Mom! You're smiling! That means you're lying!! And what about the Tooth Fairy! I know that's you! Tell me! How come you have all the teeth if you're not the tooth fairy?!?

How do people do this? How do you keep up the pretense? I'm, like, smiling from ear to ear now - trying to keep from laughing. I put on my mad face: "This is NOT the place to talk about this now! Let's talk about it later!" In the hopes that they will forget.

They did.

Great moments in parenting.

(And why is spell check not working?)

Just stuff...

2008-02-11T21:44:00.001-05:00

So I was talking to X, asking him about his summer plans - so I could figure out the boys' camp schedule & I said "My mom told me that [your fiance] said that you guys are getting married end of August, right?" To which X replies.... "Well, nothing is concrete yet." Huh? So your fiance spent most of Nathan's party talking about this wedding... mentioned inviting us, your family & "nothing is concrete yet?" I didn't say that. I DID say: "Oh. Well. Ok. This is your thing." Oh my. That poor woman.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I have political arguments with my son. Max is very pro-Obama. And while I'm not against him, I just feel a bit more comfortable with Hilary. I feel like she's just been around a bit more - but I would most definitely be very very happy with Obama as our President.. When I ask Max why he wants Obama he says: "Well, I feel that Hilary will just be a copy of Bill. She won't have her own ideas." (I asked X if he's said this & he claims that he hasn't.) Today I said to Max: "Ok, you have only given me anti-Hilary reasons. Give me a Pro-Obama reason. Why should you/I vote for him - not why NOT TO vote for Hilary." And he said "Well, it would be cool to have the first African American president. And he seems like a nice guy."

You know - not such bad reasons.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The boys told me that their old sitter - the Brazilian one - watched them when they went to the bathroom. They told me this morning. Stopped me dead in my tracks. Apparently she would, on occasion, open the bathroom door when they were in there & tease them. I don't think it happened a lot. But enough. Enough for them to say to me that she did this. Enough for them to feel like that is what she WAS doing, even if it was innocently to check to make sure they were ok. I asked if she ever touched their privates - they said no. I (oh so VERY firmly) told them that if this EVER happens again with ANYBODY that they were to tell me - because how could I help them if I don't know.

Oy.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I'm starting Nutri-System. Again. You know, I lost all this weight over the summer... but the stress started in Sept - and now I'm the heaviest I think I've ever been - (barring pregnancy.) It's scary. I don't know if it's this age thing, or what - but I'm finding it really difficult to lose. Or even not to gain! I started with Weight Watchers.. but you know - I need more structure. Nutri-System was so good because not only does it give you the exact meals. but it has a check list for breakfast/lunch/dinner & two snacks. So you know exactly what to eat. When. I need it like that. I have too many other things on my mind... this has to be easy. So, I should get the box o'food sometime within the next week or so... I'll keep ya' posted.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

All About Superheroes

2008-02-07T23:01:00.000-05:00

Sorry to overwhelm you guys with this.... it's just that he's been talking about this "Chapter Book" that he's been writing at school and I hadn't seen it yet. I never knew he had this sort of humor!! It's a riot! He actually told me he wants to be an author, he's enjoying writing this so much -- and apparently his classmates wait eagerly for each new installment!!

From our last adventure we saw weird people. But now we have a weird enemy. We don't no his name yet so you will have to read the story.

Well back to Robert and his store Westine fired herself because she didn't have enough chips but she will find another job. Robert was in his store lieing down.... Then a strange guy said "Wa ha! ha! ha!! I am professor weirdo fear me" Robert laughed then he got pushed out of nowhere it was Tommy and Matthew!

Well Tommy wasn't fat anymore well from our last adventure he was well we shouldn't tell you about it because you will cry with laughter well back to the mission. Tommy said this that really annoyed Matthew "I am a super boy" but then Matthew said this: "We are not super hero's ok OK!" Now really really back to the mission!

Well remember David Z shnack he came back from light saber school and said this "The force is kind of what! ga! ga!" he slipped on a banana peal like that was any help. Well back to light saber wa! ga! ga! now I slipped on a banana peal. Professor weirdo has a plan to wa! ga! ga! Why does everybody say that whoever made this story should not do that. Wa! ga! ga! Wa! ga! ga! Stop writing that word.

Well your messing with the wrong Robert because Robert no's kung-fu and choped professor weirdo's arm off and the gang and he saves the day.

The end.

Wait one minute mister Tommy and Matthew are supposed to save the day wait don't stop reading Nooooooooooo!

Well after Robert chopped Professor weirdo's arm off he broke his arm to because his arm was made of steel but he still broke Professor Weirdo's arm. Wa! ga! ga! Security! Get this banana peal... howly cow! Get the tenmillion bannana peals out of hear!

haaaa Tommy look a mouse in a cape? Well Professor Weirdo wasn't looking for Robert he was looking for this mouse superhero.

To be continued...

Fat Brothers Chapter 2

2008-02-07T22:32:00.000-05:00

(I told you there'd be more!) (I don't know where he got this Fat Stuff...although I have an inkling of an idea. It's a bit distressing.. but I have to say this is pretty funny!)

One day Tommy was walking by C.V.S. he saw chips guess what he did...
He did a robery!!! Robert the manager and his wife Westine chased after Tommy. Kartikay a young boy said to tommy "what's the matter with you"
Tommy just ignored it then Kartikay and Robert said "just let him have the chips we already have many more."

Matthew said "what's the matter." Robert said this "your brother stole the chips in my store." In a loud voice. They just went home.
Not again! When Tommy ate the chips he turned fat again! Ah!

You fataball stop reading my story! This goes to you mom. just kidding. go on!

The Fat Brothers

2008-02-07T20:37:00.000-05:00

Chapter one of Max's Fat Brothers Story. More to Follow.(Transcribed exactly as written.)

"One day there were two brothers named Matthew and Tommy. Matthew wasso inteligent that he skiped from first grade to college! Tommy was lazy and ate 30 bags of cheetos! That's how he was the fatest. And he didn't no anything.
A year passed now Matthew wasn't fat he was very skiny and he pasedcollege at age four!!!!! you would think he graduated college at agetwenty one well he didn't so here comes the exciting part so listenup! Tommy will soon learn that being fat is bad and it's a big problem! Matthew's two best friend's Max and Kevin push Tommy and he starts rolling in the street!
And then!.... "A car will smack into tommy what will I do?" I can't think I know I"m very smart but I just can't!! But then horray! he's not fat when the car smacked him he wasn't fat. Life is better when your not fat.

Jewish Law - Articles ("The Right to Die: A Halachic Approach")

2008-02-05T13:16:00.000-05:00

Jewish Law - Articles ("The Right to Die: A Halachic Approach")

I have a client with no family. Who might be destined to spend the rest of his life with a tracheostomy and a collar. Unable to talk. Attached to a bed. His Power of Attorney (friend) will probably go talk to a rabbi to see what sort of decision to make (even though the client himself is not really religious...) so I looked up what Jewish Law says about The Right To Die.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

But I was.

GET HEALTH CARE PROXIES, PEOPLE! I cannot emphazise enough! Living Wills are not as good as proxies. If you have strong feelings about what you want - either being kept alive by any means necessary, or "pulling the plug" this needs to be IN WRITING. A proxy does not need to be done with an attorney - just two witnesses. You can get them on line.

Do it - I'm going to.

You just never REALLY know yourself, do you?

2008-02-05T05:59:00.001-05:00

Today is Nathan's 6th birthday. We celebrated it with a bowling party on Saturday and a small family party at my parents' house on Sunday. The bowling party was nice. There were about eight boys and their parents, our old sitter, plus the new(ish) 16 year old and her siblings. Plus X and his fiance. And J and his daughter. And my parents.

Nathan wore his black velvet blazer, that I got for TEN DOLLARS at Gymboree. (I had no idea if he'd wear it, but figured... $10? Why not? Now he wears it with black jeans and a navy turtleneck. We just need to get him some bling!)

And speaking of bling.... X's fiance was wearing her new engagement ring.

Siiiggghhh....

I feel that I need to preface this with: The following is not pretty. It sounds petty. It sounds gossipy. It just doesn't feel like who I am. I am not a materialistic person. I like jewelry, but honestly don't really wear that much. What I do have I just keep on all the time. I don't switch around. I put it on and just sleep with it on. MOther's day bracelet from the boys, necklace of two boys from my parents, A&J necklace from J & birthday present earrings from J. That's it.

When X Iand I got engaged we bought my ring at the flea market. It was a single pearl. He was new to the US, he was young, he had no money... and I did not care. It was what it stood for. The commitment. The love.

So X's fiance was wearing her new ring. I didn't really look, but what I saw looked beautiful. And big. My mom whispers in my ear: "Did you see her ring?" I told my mom: "Stop!"

But the cavalcade of feelings that rushed through me nearly knocked me off my feet....

He claims he has no money for the boys, and buys this?! When we got engaged he had no money and didn't try to get around it - just got me what he could afford. Either he loves her that much more than he loved me, or he has more and is just trying not to help. And what does that mean to me that he loves her now more than he loved me then? We are all different people. Maybe he does. I love J more than I loved him. But, but, look what he got her? How can he claim poverty? Does he love her more than he loves the boys?

And then:

What kind of person are you?

It was not so much jealousy that she got a ring and I haven't (from J). Not at all. And it wasn't feelings of "wow, now it's really over. He loves somebody else." It was more the shock of seeing that he spent money on her and he hasn't ever on anybody else. Not me. Not his kids. Money is so important to him... that I guess it has become his expression of love.

Well... so maybe that is jealousy.

J saw that I was upset. I told him. We go back to party stuff. Mingling. Then he comes back over. "I got the scoop on the ring! They bought it duty free in Puerto Rico & the quality is so bad... no way he spent more than $150."

And I felt better.

I keep trying to tell myself that I'm only human. That divorce, re-marriage, etc, etc, etc opens up new sets of feelings and things that you never thought you'd be exposed to... But I really feel so awful having those feelings... and seeing them in print is not any better. But there you go.

And, I also found out that we're going to be invited to their wedding. End of August. In Puerto Rico...

And, she's so sweet. I so want to warn her. To talk to her. And don't all chime in, I know I can't. (Maybe an anonymous letter?)

ETA - Yes, I know, most people write posts about their birthday child... but well, you guys know I love him. He's a great kid. Glad I had him - it was worth all that pushing and labor pains. Plays well with others. Doesn't inconvenience me too much. Does his homework. Works the farm. Pulls his own weight. Eats all he's supposed to. Loves his mom. Minds his P's and Q's. Eats an apple a day. Speaks when spoken to (Ha!). Keeps his messes to a minimum (double ha!).

2008-02-03T21:46:00.000-05:00

A photo of the boys and their NZ Cuzzies. My ex-sister in law did some PhotoMagic and inserted the kids! I think it's so cool! You can actually see some family resemblance!
They've never really met each other... Max met the two older ones (in the back) when he was about 13 months old.