Way to go!

This evening Max came over to me. A McDonalds commercial was on TV & Max said: "Dad says that this commercial is for uneducated kids." with a kind of Can You believe it look on his face. (It was one with that song "how low can you go? Can you go down low..." Kinda a rap song? I don't know the name... so I'm obviously highly over educated...)

"What does that mean?" I ask.

He responds "I'm not sure... Dad says it's kids who say 'Yo!' and 'Dude!' but then Dad said it's ok if we say that with our friends, and not with grownups..."

"But if you're not sure what it means.." I say to him because he still has this sort of befuddled look on his face "then you should tell Dad. Ask him to explain."

He says "No, I think I understand... but people should be allowed to dance to whatever music they like... and it doesn't mean they're smart or not. It has nothing to do with how educated they are!"

Omigod! He got it! He absolutely and totally got it! In his own way, he picked up X's euphemism... and came out with his own idea that he was able to voice in a rational way.

It gives me faith. We shall prevail!

On another note... Max seems unusually obsessed with shoplifting... He asked me: "What would happen if a person walked out of a store with something in their pocket, but they didn't know it was in there, and they got caught....?" Then on two separate occasions, at Rite Aid and at K-Mart, as I was paying for my items Max came up to the register, pointed to whichever toy he brought in with him, and said to the cashier "I got this at {wherever} and brought it in with me."

I asked him why he's been thinking about this so much, and he went kinda silent. I'm not ready for this, Dudes. Yo. I am just. Not. Ready.

When a 3 year old is asked about monsters

So ask me

Go on. Ask me. Ask me: "How is it going with your new sitter?" Because I know you're dying to know.

Ahhh, "The New Sitter" I will answer you "is rife with issues. Rife." (Good word: rife. Don't get to use it that often.)

Allow me to discuss. Chronologically. She started end of November... with my other sitter training her before she left. The second day she was to be there by herself... I kinda panicked. I had no reason to... it was just that I hadn't heard from her and somehow just had the feeling that she might not be there to pick up the boys. (And no. PMS had NOTHING to do with it!) I called my old sitter! I texted her! "Please! Can you go by the bus stop! I haven't heard from new sitter! I don't know if she's coming!" Old sitter said she would.. but that she had to tell me... she thought new sitter was a bit weird. Her mom, who met new sitter also felt that she was a bit weird...

I thought about it and wrote it off to cultural differences. New sitter is Brazilian. Emotional. Effusive. And, she called me and was there. At the bus. Had done nothing wrong. Nothing at all. I had really no reason to feel that way.. but for some reason... I did. (Forboding music.)

She instant messages me: "You're my boss, right?" "Umm, yes." "But you are also my friend?" "I guess..." Not really sure how to feel about this... want to make sure the boundaries are there, but she's nice. She's sweet.

Fast forward to a week or so later. She calls me. Crying. She's homesick. I talk to her for a bit. I tell her that it's difficult, but will be easier when she's in school. How it's so amazing that she is here.. talk about all her strengths for getting on the plane and coming here. She calms down.

I contact a woman I knew from the student exchange program where I used to work. (I also used to work with Brazilian students... so I have a bit more knowledge than the average bear, I guess...) She lived in Brazil. Loves Brazil. Speaks Portuguese. I put new sitter in contact with this woman.. to help her adjust to here.

Thinking my job is done I pat myself on the back. "Good job" self. Lots of good helping there.. linkages made... well done.

Then a day or two later... she instant messages me... has to tell me something... it seems she is well.. gay. Or she thinks she's gay. She has been with women. But she does not want to be gay. She doesn't think it's "normal." **Shock!** (Not about the gayness, about the sudden sharing...) I asked: "Why do you want to tell me this?" "Because I work for you and want you to know." Uh huh. No. She wants a therapist. She wants a mother.

She starts in: "How will I tell my parents? My mom is religious. She will flip. will you help me tell her?" I do the whole "it's no big deal, they will be happy that you are happy.. love is love whoever it it is..." Then she says "But it's not normal! I want to be normal! I don't want to be gay!" I stop. I tell her - listen. I can't help you with this. You need to talk to somebody. Maybe somebody who is gay? I give her info on two women I work with. One a social worker, one a social work student. They said they would talk to her. They are gay.

She contacts them. They contact me. "OOH boy! Is she needy!" Uhh... yeah. I know. They give her info on clinics, places for students who are "questioning" tell her that those are the best.

She instant messages me: "When a man and woman have sex there's penetration... but when two women have sex there's none. Is that still sex? Do gay people call it sex?" !!!!!! I tell her it's probably just a matter of semantics (which of course she did not understand) and refer her to the clinics I know my friends referred her to. I tell her she's confused... she needs to talk this out with professionals.... NOT ME. I just keep up that line. I will not talk about it with her. I just keep referring her to the clinics until she says she will go.

So, things have calmed down.. I suppose. Last night she tells me (instant messages me) about a guy she met on Saturday. I ask her some questions... then I find out that she is instant messaging him at the same time - and asking him the questions I've asked her - about him. Can you say Cyrano?!?!

Oy.

Then she instant messages me: "He is asking what type of guys I like.. and if I like Hot guys. What does that mean? Does he just want sex?" I tell her that if he is making her uncomfortable then she should tell him to stop. She does, but he responds that he's just being open. (Dick.) I tell her that it's ok to be open, but only when it's appropriate and it's too soon and it's making her uncomfortable. She pretty much cuts and pastes what I write & he and says ok. He stops. Yep. The power of a woman who has "been through all that" and a young guy. Have to say, I enjoyed it. Couldn't put them in their places when I was that age... but I can sure as shit do it now!

Then. This morning Max says he has dreams about her. That she is going to take him away. I say... oh... do you feel safe with her? He says he doesn't. I say "not that you do not like her, but do you feel safe?" He says no. He says he did with the other sitters... but not with her.

Siiighggghhhh...

SO. Given the countless red flags that have been waving their ruddy faces at me... and this... with Max saying this... I have to listen to my kids and take what they say seriously... I do.

But jeez! Do I have to look for another sitter AGAIN!?!? Do I?!!? And how in the world am I going to fire this one?!? HOW!?!?!

Stay tuned for this blog station for more info on Why Can't My Life Just Coast Along Nicely? Calmly?

ETA: I'm home today. Had a cough for the past... oh... month so finally went to the Dr. Have almost bronchitis (no fever) and almost walking pneumonia (wheezing in left lung). Also have lecture from dr as to why I waited so long to take self to dr....

It was bound to happen one of these days...

Yes.

I've grown up.

Allow me to explain. On Saturday my new sitter IM'ed me. "Amy, I'm going to see this band tonight at Webster Hall. It's called Skazi. They sound like this: (see video below, I hope) would you like to come with us? I actually kinda liked it... so I said: What time?" and she said: 2 am.

The thing that you have to know about me is I love to go out. And I remember those days so fondly, and think.. oh... I'd love to do all that again, I just never get the chance! I was ALWAYS the one to be out late. I'd be the last one to leave a party, a bar, a club... I remember going to the after hours gambling place on the Upper East side... (it was so smarmy. Felt like you needed a shower when you left. Windows covered up, so smokey, so much drugs....) and having no problem getting home at 7 am... But ahhh yes... that was THEN.

And this. This is so very now. And here was my aforementioned chance. Unsnatched up.

All I could think of was how crappy I'd feel the next day. Sunday. (Although technically I guess it would be Monday, since the show would have started early Sunday morning....) How I'd want to sleep during the day, but how you never get any real sleep during the day.... and how the kids would come back from X's on Sunday evening ... and how I'd never get a chance to catch up on my sleep... and come Monday I'd be an exhausted cranky wreck. I just didn't want to deal with it.

J's daughter was going to go with her & J was like "Go! Go with them! Watch her! I can't go, she won't let me, but she wants you to come!" I was like "I'm 43! I can't go to Webster Hall! They won't let me in!!" And well... I was only half way kidding... I mean I really know that age doesn't matter... but...

Basically, the spirit was oh so so very willing... but that darn flesh. Weak.

Siiigghhh.... so this is how it ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper....

(Btw - show didn't start 'til 3 am; she got home at 8 am - but she got her photo taken with him..... J's daughter couldn't get in, too young, got home at 1 am.)

The one, the only, the Amazing....

SINGING DARTHS!!

Not to complain or anything...

So ok. I get 641 people who visit my blog the other day. And that's great. But do they come back? No. (They don't write, they don't call...)

BUT - you know what the worst thing is?!? Can I tell you?!? I don't know how many of you have statcounter... but you know how they show you a line graph? To visually show how many people view your blog? Well, when my maximum was like, 20 -- and we're talking average like 12 per day... the scale was normal. Twelve looked like a lot when 20 was the max.

And NOW! NOW! The scale is all off!!! My puny paltry 5 readers? Can't even see 'em.

Suddenly I feel so pathetically..... small.

A High Price for Healthy Food - Well - Tara Parker-Pope - Health - New York Times Blog

A High Price for Healthy Food - Well - Tara Parker-Pope - Health - New York Times Blog

It's what I always say... don't know why they didn't just ask me?!?

!!!!!!!!!!!!

521!!!

Holy Blog hits, Batman!

So, I just happen to take a look at statcounter... see how many people, if any, have taken a look at my blog today...

And what you have to understand is... if TWENTY people look it's a big day. Twenty.

So stand back....

310

Yes.

310.

I posted the web site for toxic toys & apparently it comes up in google searches.

I am so cracking up.

310!

Keep on coming back, y'all!

HealthyToys.org — The Consumer Action Guide to Toxic Chemicals in Toys

HealthyToys.org — The Consumer Action Guide to Toxic Chemicals in Toys

Enter toy. Check for lead.

On to lighter topics...

Love.



That's a nice light one, dontcha think?



So I've been going out w/J for about a year and a half... actually well heck - nearly two years! The whole thing has actually been a wonder to me. A wonder. It's been a year and a half (nearly two years!) of real learning.



I learned, first of all, that I was never in love with X. It's a strange thing to come to terms with, seeing as how I did marry the man and have two children with him... I mean, I thought I was in love with him. I remember thinking: "I want to be with him. I cannot live without him." But it was not love. Perhaps it was possession? Perhaps it was fear of being alone? Perhaps it was years of learning how to date, to flirt, to trying to find a guy in the tough NYC market... finding one and thinking: "Ok, he's cute, he's smart, we click and he's not like the others..." Most likely, like most things, it's a combination of all of that with a few other random neurosis, insecurities, fantasies, etc, etc thrown in for good measure.



But now. First there was the overwhelming feeling. The happiness. The "This Man Is Perfect." The "Nobody Has Ever Felt This Way Before." The "Ok, Maybe You've Been in Love Before, But it's Never Been as Perfect as This." (Jeez, aren't I insufferably smug?)



And now it's changing some more. And I notice it because I know that I was not in love the first time, so I am aware of all the feelings this time. I am hyper aware. Like this is a study I am a part of. (I'm such a romantic!) I notice that when we do things for each other... how the feeling changes. Deepens. Trust gets built. Connections tighten. We argue. We talk. We resolve. We get past it, and another connection gets built. It's alive. It's organic. It's a flowing, changing thing.... this love.



I never knew.



I remember when Nathan was born, and I held him, I had a set of emotions already there. The package. Love. I could feel it. I had gained it through Max, and there it was... ready for Nathan. It was a strange, palpable feeling. Here he is. Here is this Love. I learned a type of love, the maternal love, through Max... even though I loved him right from the start... it was a seed. It grew.

Siiiggghhh..... I don't know. I don't know what the point of all this is... (this post. Nothing deeper than that, folks - just referring to the post!) as often happens with this blog most of this is really just random brain spew. Stuff circulating around in there... looking for some sort of release. But it's good. I'm lucky. I'm happy. It's good.

And oh - for those who are following along... I kept the orange wrap. It's sooooo luxurious... I have officially become a cashmere snob. That's it. Only cashmere for me.

Of Utmost Importance

Ok Bloggy people. Here's the thing. I bought three of these cashmere wraps on sale at Banana Republic. It was originally $99.. and with the sale and coupons I got it for about $50. So I bought three. One for my mom for Hanukkah, one for me (so why not?) and one for my sister for her birthday in March (already got her her Hanukkah present...).

OK. So. I got two in cream/white and one in this...orangish color called "ruddy." It's not a bright orange, but not quite a rust. It's nice.

But here's the thing. I cannot decide which one I want to keep for myself! I. Cannot. Decide.

I think... "Oooh, nice to have a different color, most of the things you own are black, greenish khacki (no idea how to spell that and spell check is of no help!) or grey..." and I also think "this is expensive. I should get something I'd get the most use out of. I should keep the white so I will be assured it goes with everything."

I know. I'm crazy. I'm home today (getting sick & have so much to do with stupid Hanukkah so early this year... wrapping presents... doing paper work, cleaning....) so I have a bit more free time to ponder these weighty, weighty topics.

I was thinking... I could give the white one to my mom... see how it looks on her & then decide which one I want to give my sister... but here's where I just make things more difficult for myself: I. Want. It. Now. Donotwanttowait. WanttowearitrightnowwhenIgopicktheboysupatthebus.

I know. I frustrate myself too.

Thoughts?

eta - just checked BR website - it's already sold out!

Because seeing is believing

The email exchange yesterday between X and I:

ME:
I just tried to phone you. I think we should talk about Hebrew School.

When we were in mediation, and even while we were married you said you supported the children having a Jewish Education. Going to Hebrew school. Being Jewish. Having Bar-Mitzvahs. I understand that you did not expect it to mean Sunday mornings... but that is typically when Hebrew School classes are held.

Also, children typically begin their religious education at kindergarten/first grade.

Max said to me the other night: "When Nathan goes to Hebrew School Dad won't bring him. He'll skip it like he does with me."

I understand if something important comes up and you want to take the boys to that instead of Hebrew School. Those things happen. But not every week. This is now becoming something where Max knows. He sees that you don't support it. That you don't value it. This is not how we agreed to parent. We have to parent together even though we don't live together. This is important.

X:

I do support the boys Jewish identity and education. I never stand in the way around the time of Jewish holidays or significant events like Passover and I don't question their religious (or some may say ethnic) history.

It's just getting up at 7:00 am on Sunday morning to leave by 8:00 is not easy. Especially when it is cold. The commute is about 45 minutes each way-- and requires four trips in all (drop him off/back, pick him up/ back(. Nathan has to accompany me each time and it sucks for him

As for Max, I don't see him from 9:00 to 12:30. And by the time we get back to Sunnyside it can be 1:30.Three and half hours later he's going back to your place.

You can't think this is reasonable. And you can't expect Nathan and I to hang out in Forest Hills while its cold between 9:00 to 12:30. That's not fair to either of us.

I would just tell the boys...dad lives too far away and can't take you (which is true). Otherwise the boys will just think that I can't be bothered going and Hebrew school is not important (which is not true). Also, keep in mind. [girlfriend] and I are thinking of moving to Long Island City. What then?

ME:
They know you are not that far away. THey travel to and from your place. Your not taking Max *does* send the signal that you do not consider it important, as with a little effort you really could take him. THey are smart kids & pick up signals quickly. If it's so difficult for you to get there at 9, if you get him there by 9:30 it's better than if he does not go at all.

Couldn't Nathan stay with {girlfriend]?

Also next year Nathan will be going too, you know

You do not need to bring him every single time, but please - make the effort every once in a while.. especially around holiday time.

In terms of your moving to Long Island City -- that's your decision. THey have things they will need to do on weekends. They will have things they will WANT to do on weekends... (LIttle League, for one) especially as they get older.

HIM:

You have no idea! Very selfish.

ME:
explain.

HIM:

{girlfriend] is not always able to look after Nathan in the morning. Also, I can't depend on this.

You know that it is 45 minutes each trip...and that is a conservative number on Sundays when public transport is at its worst. 45 minutes x 2 = 90 minutes, 45 minutes x 2 = 90 minutes. 90 minutes + 90 minutes = 180 minutes (3 hours).

You're being selfish.

Furthermore, moving to Long Island City. Well, i also have consider [girlfriend's] wants too. And without [girlfriend], I would really be struggling (even unable ) to pay the extracurrular costs for tennis, baseball, afterschool, etc. That would affect you and the kids!!!

ME:

How about this? Can I pay for one way of a car service every other week? $10?

HIM:

The car service is more than you would think. On Thursday mornings when i take the boys to school, it can cost anywhere between $20 to $28 depending on traffic.-

ME:
I can contribute $10 every other Hebrew School day you take/have him

HIM:

My strong recommendation to you is that you should tell the boys the following: "As much as dad has tried, we've come to the conclusion that the Jewish Center is just too far from Sunnyside. Therefore, you'll be going 3 out of every 4 classes. It will also give you more time with dad." Otherwise, it's going to be on again off again (depending on trains, events, etc.) battle as to their attendence; they will forever wonder what the battle is about and question the legitimacy of Hebrew school. Furthermore, they will remember this issue for the rest of their lives
-=-=-=-=-=

So, that's how it's left. There are many points I could have argued with him about.. but through the years I have realized that it just makes no sense. I expend useless energy. I think I have to toss in the towel with this one.... just have to work on losing the anger/frustration.

Divorce

Sometimes it just hits me.

This is my life. I am divorced. The man I thought I would be with for the rest of my life does not live with me.

It's so.... surreal.

Thanksgiving Recap....

(Please allow me to begin by apologizing for the formatting. I know it's going to suck. I have photos. Every time I upload photos the formatting sucks.)

So, the other day, whilst Iman and I were watching the Thanksgiving day parade.... "Stay here" Mrs. David Bowie said to her daughter, as she positioned her on the window next to where we were all watching the Thanksgiving Day parade...

YES!!!! I watched the parade with Iman!

Ok. Slight exaggeration. I was in the same office/floor as Iman. BUT, she was at the same party as I was! And she did leave her daughter off with us!!

Perhaps I should start at the beginning. We went to watch the Parade from J's ex-brother in law's office. His EBIL is the financial manager for many bands including David Bowie, The Police, The Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen.... You get the picture. J actually told me a story of going to the parade one time & this man turning around and saying to him "Hi, I"m David and this is Iman." Can you imagine?!?! Are you just dying?!?!?

Honestly? I was really holding out for Mick. You can't imagine the fantasies/day dreams I was having up 'til that point. I was actually starting to feel a bit pre-pubescent... Mick......

So anyhow, she came into the cube/office where we were watching the parade, positioned her daughter by the window & said to a friend "if she needs me I'm in the next office." and left. !!!! She was almost talking to me! Almost! Right?!? Like I was right there, and I heard it! Siiiggghhh.... She's actually shorter than I would have thought. She's definitely very beautiful - but didn't have as much of a presence as I guess I thought a super model should/would have...

The rest of the weekend... well... went out to the relatives on Thursday after the parade & that was fun. J went with his family and his girls went with their mom. It was strange. This post-divorce life. Next year Ex will get the boys (if he wants them...) for Thanksgiving & I'm already anticipating how difficult it will be for me... J and I decided, though, that from now on at least he and I will be together for the holidays. I never had to split the holidays before... with Ex being from NZ... not being born Jewish... I pretty much got all my family all the time... So I don't think I was ready to give them up this time. But, after leaving him, being all day with out him AND having all my relatives say "Where's your boyfriend?!?" It made me think. We have to have at least that constant in our lives... even if our children are all over.

AND - well - we nearly lost our gerbil. Shadow. Came home Tuesday and poor Shadow was nearly immobile! I thought we'd come back after Thanksgiving to who knows what in the cage... but - came in Saturday morning & there was Shadow! Running around! It was a Thanksgiving Miracle!!! I have no idea, but I do know that my older son has a definite flair for the melodramatic. He sent his Dad emails entitled: "Death" and "Sorrow" and told me that he saw Shadow's soul passing out of his body...

Today, right before bed, Max said: "Ok. I'm taking a stand! No More Hebrew School on Sundays! I don't want to go! It's my time with Dad! And Dad lied to you last week. He said that the trains weren't working & that he couldn't take me, but it was because he promised me that he wouldn't take me - I didn't want to go."

You know, it takes quite a bit for me to become speechless.

So I just said "You know what, Max, I want to be the best Mom to you that I can - I want to do the best job I can possibly do - and that means making sure you get the best education and that I do the right things. I know that your going to Hebrew School is the best thing for you right now - so I have to do my job and make sure you go." He started to talk some more & I just said "You know what, honey, I don't want to talk about this any more. I'm getting upset."

That bastard.

The new sitter seems to be ok... we have to speak a bit slowly, as her English is a bit rusty... but I figure that will get better with time. I just got an email from the my old sitter telling me that she's home sick... She can't go back to Brazil for five years -- until she gets her green card... I had to explain to her, the other day, about us being Jewish. I said "you know, we don't celebrate Christmas..." and that while we believe that Jesus was a good man, etc, etc.. just not that he was G-d. We're still waiting for that. She was a bit stunned. I said we have the same Old Testament... The Jews, Christians and Muslims - all the same - then we split off. Then she said "what about Easter..?" And I was like "Nope. You know.. Jesus..."

But then she asked lots of interesting and good questions & was very comfortable with it. It's funny, in NYC you get used to everybody knowing about Jews and Judaism... but elsewhere I realize that many people thing we just go to a different church - and that's it. Can't really conceive that people do not believe in Jesus...

I actually love talking about religion. I know that it's something you're not supposed to talk about: religion and politics... and I love talking about both. I love talking about things that make us all different - in a way that acknowledges that, but doesn't judge it. We are all different & I think that by NOT talking about it.. but not acknowledging the elephant in the room (at times...) we make things more difficult for ourselves.

Illegal immigrant rescues boy in desert - Yahoo! News

Illegal immigrant rescues boy in desert - Yahoo! News

This just touches me so much.... and imagine - this boys father died two months ago.....

Just some stuff that happened yesterday...

I had the lovely experience of having my work phone pressed to my right ear, listening to music, on hold with Social Security for a client... all the while having my cell phone pressed to my left ear, listening to my older son scream how he did not want to go to Hebrew School today.

Honestly. You have not lived until you have gone through that wonderful stereophonic experience.

Max's woke up crying yesterday. He did not want to go to Hebrew School. And yes I know, it sucks to have to go to 2 1/2 hours of school after school. I know it. And he's too young to realize the benefit of education for education's sake. (Heck, some people never get it...) But. His dad does not bring him every other Sunday. He learns new stuff every class. I cannot let him stay home, he will miss too much, fall too far behind, and then really be upset.

Also, since X does not support it, I have the wonderful experience of having it all fall on these little shoulders.

And yesterday... well... it all just got to be a little too much. He was crying. He was begging. Pleading.

I said I need a reason. Why? "It's weird." Hmmm.... Ok. How do you feel about being Jewish? "Ok." He said. Then I listed all his friends who go to the other, Reform, Hebrew School (and we don't go there simply because I don't have a car & I know I will not walk there on a snowy Sunday morning...), and all the people he knows who go to Hebrew School. I said, you know, it's considered "weird" to be Jewish and NOT go.

I asked how he felt about the work. How he felt about the kids in his class (one boy keeps "shushing" him - which I think is kinda funny, considering how... errr... vocal he is!) and there was really nothing that was too off. He just Does. Not. Want. To. Go.

And oh. Have I mentioned that this only happens the Tuesdays after he's with his Dad?

So, he ended up going. The poor sitter, on her second day, was able to get him there. But I can't deal with this all the time. I'm so angry at X for putting this all on me. And it's not a religious thing. True, X was not born Jewish - but I think it's really just a respect for religion. You don't need to be the same religion to understand the importance of it in some people's lives.

When I worked at the student exchange agency and we had to place religious Muslims with religious Christian families... and the families were freaking out... "they pray 7 times a day!" We would explain - but yes, look at how they feel about religion. The respect it. They understand it. They understand how you feel about it. A religious person of a different religion would be a better fit than a non-religious person of the same.

Ack! So where am I going with this? I don't know. X has no respect for anything or anyone outside himself. And that's it. He has no empathy at all. He is all, ultimately, just for himself. So how do I get through to him how this impacts Max? Me? He won't care. He can't be bothered getting up on Sunday mornings & Max has totally picked that up.

It's in the agreement - "father will transport children to religious education..." but I've decided that this is not to the point of me entering a court battle.

So now I'm tossing around the idea.... giving X money for a taxi one way? $10? I feel like I"m totally selling out... but I need to not have this stress in my life & money is the one thing X does understand...

So. We'll see. I'm thinking.

On a lighter note - the new sitter started Monday. She has been with my old one, who has been training her. My new sitter is from Brazil. My old sitter is from Colombia (her parents. She was born here.) And. They have become friends!!!! My new sitter has no family here, and cannot leave the country for five years in order to get her green card. My new sitter invited her over tonight! She is going to spend Thanksgiving with her family! They are going shopping together on Friday! I made a shidduch! I'm just so happy about this I cannot tell you! Plus it re-affirms to me the decisions I made about the quality of the people I hired to care for my children...

So cool.

Tonight we're going into Manhattan to watch them inflate the balloons for the Macy's Day Parade. It's always a mad house.. We'll see. Then we're staying over J's and tomorrow going to his X brother in law's to watch the parade!! X and his girlfriend were supposed to come with us tonight, but surprise of surprises... he bailed.

And oh. X is engaged.

I survived!!

Errr yeah. I did. But I'll tell ya', there's nothing like going to a Bat-Mitzvah with 30 thirteen year olds to make you feel really old! Oy, the loud music! Oy, what these kids listen to these days! Oy, what they wear!

I'm cool, huh?

And I survived the small talk. I smiled a lot. And his family are all so, so nice and welcoming... it's really special and I'm very lucky.

It was strange though. I have to say. I was keenly aware of being the "girlfriend". I had met most of his family, but had never been in this situation before. A situation as early as six months ago he would have brought his (soon to be) ex wife. (They were trying, are trying, to still do stuff together - for the kids....) I'm not her. (I know, no shit.) But I really felt my Not-Her-ness.

Totally all my issue, really - as like I said they were so welcoming... but. I felt it.

They were all called up from the table where we were sitting for a "family" photo. Ummm... I just didn't know what to do. They got up. I sat there. At the table. J's sister came back to get me. (Apparently she said to him: "Why is Amy there?" And he's great, but... you know..... sorry guys, but he's a guy. He didn't think. So she went to get me.) I nearly cried. The whole thing was just so overwhelming.... in their family? Not in their family? Then when it was obvious that that was how I was considered... the whole overwhelming-ness of that.....

And being with his daughters. In the apartment. I'm with two little boys most of the time... and it was so cool getting dressed with them! With girls! His older daughter telling me that I'm younger than the dress I chose to wear (which is kinda what I thought... it was a little matronly...) - which was so nice to hear!

So, there's ANOTHER Bat-Mitzvah in two weeks (my birthday weekend, btw!) and I don't think I'll be nearly as nervous... I don't think I'll be able to. Apparently there will be over ONE HUNDRED kids.

Can I say that again?

Over one hundred kids.

Pray for me.

Tomorrow I am going to a Bat Mitzvah for J's cousin's daughter. I haven't been to a Bat Mitzvah in years, because nobody in my family is in that age group... And. Well. I'm a little nervous.

I don't really like social events. I'm not a good small talker. I'm not a good small talker with people I know.... now with people I don't really know....!

I know. I'm in my 40s (I'm in my 40s!!!!) - I should be able to deal by now. But.... can I say this again? I'm not a good small talker. I hate it. I can have a long and deep discussion with you about world peace, the state of health insurance in the US, anything... but the "Lovely weather we're having" stuff... I always feel like I get stuck.

And honestly? I know that it's a learned skill. And I don't kid myself - I know it's probably a confidence thing, too... But.

And.

All the weight I lost over the summer? Came back in September. That one stressful month... I'm not a tub by any means... but things just aren't fitting me right. And I can't seem to get the weight back off. (And I know, this is totally a theme of this blog. I should re-frame this as Come On Along and join me on as I complain about my weight but really seem to do nothing about it...)

(I'm starting to think that perhaps I should embrace this in my 40s thing and realize that maybe I'm not really able to wear the same sort of clothes I did in my 20s and 30s? Although there's really no reason why I shouldn't feel/look good in a pair of jeans. Even high waisted ones. [NOT Mom jeans! No! No elastic waists!!!])

So, you know that feeling when you're going into a situation where you don't feel 100% comfortable mentally... and then you don't feel 100% comfortable physically, either? I'm just feeling kinda awkward. Shy. Not going into the situation like a Master of the Universe. Like if I felt I looked good, I can just say fuck 'em. I look good. They'll want to talk to me 'cause I look so good.

Yeah. I know. Any issues much? But this is my blog & I have to be honest. (Or, well, I want to be.) That's how I feel. Feel good about myself... all the rest just falls into place. And feeling good about myself is really just so connected to my weight.

Siiiggghh... So. I'm sure it will be fine.

Just feelin' a little nervous.

Just keeps on coming back...

Just when I think this divorce stuff is over....

Yesterday I went to the kids' parent teacher conference. X went on his own - for the evening session - since I had the day off & it was too difficult to negotiate the evening with Hebrew School, dinner, babysitter interviews, etc, etc, etc.

So.

Max is doing very well academically and socially. His behavior... well... he's easily distracted & just likes to get the work done.... doesn't really focus. I'm not so upset about it, though. This is who he is. He's doing well. He's not disrupting the class. (True he annoys the teacher.. but this is her 2nd year with him, she should know him by now!) So fine.

But.

I'm going through his folder of his written work. Stories. And there's one that goes something like this: "One day, when I was three years old, my mom and dad had a big fight. They went into a room and when they came out my mom told me that my dad would be moving out. I was very sad, My mom said it wasn't my fault and that I would still see my dad."

Uh huh.

And, X told me (the teacher told him) that Max read this to the class.

I guess I'm glad that he's able to get it out, to talk about it, and that he's not ashamed. Although that's not exactly how it happened.. we didn't really fight... but it's how he sees it.

Nathan is also doing very well, but his teacher tells me he's still really nervous. That sometimes he even shakes! He is SO worried he is going to get into trouble! And he's not like Max. He's much more controlled. So we've been talking about that. His teacher is great, though, talks to him, is communicative with me, and is even going to move one of his friends to his table! It's so comforting that he has a teacher that cares.

And ALSO - when I mentioned to her that sometimes it's difficult to find the time, in the evenings, to practice his writing - she understood! She's young, but she said "I know, it must be difficult working all day, single mom..." And it was so nice to not feel like I'm ...... lacking. That she recognizes it and doesn't think I'm not involved. (Ok, so that's my projection/guilt!)

Both kids need help with their penmanship. Any of you who have ever seen my handwriting will understand that this apple is NOT falling far from my tree. My handwriting's awful. Max actually makes me re-write notes I send to his teacher - and sometimes I just type them.

I figure we'll just set up nightly penmanship classes. For all of us.

I'm so excited!!!

I interviewed the BEST babysitter tonight! I'm so psyched! I just offered her the job pending checking one more of her references.

She is 24, studying marine biology (marine biology!!) at NYU, has worked with kids, plays basketball, guitar, totally engaged my kids, loves animals....

You know, I interviewed somebody last night who was perfectly fine.... but something was just holding me back... It wasn't that "this is the ONE" feeling.

Now I have it.

(Doing happy dance!)

Whatta waste

I'm off today. The kids have a half day (parent-teacher conferences) and nobody to pick them up at 11:50 (ugh! One hour! I only have one hour left!!!)

So, I've been cleaning up/out their room.

I've been doing it little by little for a while. We're having a flea market ("Flea Boutique" thank you very much!) at work so I've basically supplied ALL toys.

And now I'm going through the room with a garbage bag. I'm on my second. And let me emphasize that I do not throw out things easily. I'm a semi-hoarder. So, you can imagine what they have in there!

(Hey, do you think I could donate a puzzle missing one piece? To the flea market? It's only one piece....)

But can I just tell you what a huge, massive, colossal waste those hot wheels cars and tracks are? They, quite literally, were played with one time. That's it. Then the tracks are put away & nobody can be bothered to put the tracks back together again. They sit. They get pushed back. They are forgotten.

And today? They're garbage.

So weird

So I've never saved anything as a draft before & then posted it later... just did that today & first I thought it disappeared! Then I saw that it actually posted on the day I first saved it...

What sense does that make? What if I want to write it one day and not post it 'til the next?

What am I missing here?

The Interview Process

Yep. Interviewing new babysitters. Or trying to. I had one scheduled for last week, to come at 6:30 pm. At 6:45 pm I phone her. "Where are you?" "Oh" she replies "just got out of the doctor's office, is it ok if I come at 9 pm?" Yeah. Right.

Then the two last night who didn't show and didn't call. I didn't even bother calling them.

Tonight I had two, and one... well.... is making me think. Now, honestly, I wasn't floored by her. She was ok. But I don't need superstar, really, for an afterschool sitter... So, I would hire her... except for one thing. She has an infant.

This infant is only 4 months old. Only. Four. Months. Old.

I so, so don't want to be "That" woman. Or "That" employer, who discriminates because an employee has an infant. I don't. But. In spite of all best intentions... we know what it's like. They get sick. You don't get sleep. THey don't eat.... whatever.

She asked if she could bring him with her. To work. And again... I've always thought I'd be flexible with that sort of stuff... I so appreciate employers being that way with me... And it's good for my kids, having a younger child to grow with and learn about.... but... I asked her: "What if the kids need to go outside and it's rainy? Cold? How would that be? Or what if the kids are a little bit sick?"

She says oh no, no - that will be fine. And she also says that her mother is there. As back up (she's 23 years old). So if the baby's sick, or something, her mom can take it...

But you know, I have so many friggin' variables in my life... I can't have another! And this infant is, unfortunately, a huge variable.

But damned if I don't feel like the worlds' largest hypocrite.

I made it!

I've been tagged to do a Meme by Heidi at Viking Conquest(granted it was like a month ago, but there's no time limit on these things, right?)


So. I'm supposed to do seven random things about me...


1. I'm very particular about my refrigerator. Like, almost anal. Like everything has its exact spot, and like if you put the yogurt on the non-yogurt shelf... well.... I'll move it. To the yogurt shelf. Quick smart. And woe to the person who positions something in the fridge so that it is HIDDEN. I hate hidden fridge food. It all has to be easily seen. Needless to say I never have an overstuffed fridge.


Are you scared yet?


2. I've never thrown out any letter I've ever received. And I used to be a HUGE letter writer, before email. I have boxes here, boxes at my parents', boxes, boxes, boxes....


3. When I go to my parents' house I regress. I sit in front of the tv, I raid the fridge, I become sullen, I sulk, and my face even starts to break out!


4. I didn't date until almost the end of college. True. I was shyshyshy in high school & never found myself/my niche until at least junior year of college.


5. I will pick up snakes, lizards, mice, etc - but will not even SQUISH one of those big ole' water bugs! You know, the kind that make a sound when you step on them! The kind that you can hear when they walk?!? And they FLY too! Ugh! No way

6. I like working with a guy I might have a little crush on. Even if he's gay. (And believe me, working in non-profit... it's more often than not!) It's just nice to have that little bit of excitement when you go into work... think more about what you're wearing...


7. My Halloween pumpkins are rotting on my book shelf, and yet I'm just sitting here looking at them and not doing anything about it.

I got nuthin'

I don't know how you people write a post a day. I mean - HOW do you people write a post a day?!?! Let's say.... for example... that I even had enough going around in this little mind of mine to put to paper (paper? monitor?) each day.... how do you find the time?!?!

I think, that this is kind of how the cycle goes in my house... which unfortunately hinges on me and my blogging. I blog. Kids do... stuff, read, play, watch tv, etc. I blog. I get phone call from Max's teacher. I stop blogging. I do more active parenting. Kids settle in. I stop blogging a bit more. We all get sick of each other. I blog..... you get the idea.

So, being a bit more involved with the kids and not as involved in the computer -- and not really sure how to work out a good balance that does not involve me waking up earlier than I already do, or staying up later than I should...

Boo!

So, I left work early yesterday to come home to go trick or treating with the boys. I got home a bit after three and they hadn't even started their homework yet. After much.... errr..... cajoling, I got them focused, homework done, into their costumes, their over night bag packed (going to their dad's), my overnight bag packed (going to J's), and out the door. Let me add that I was carrying: My purse, my overnight, and the boys backpacks for school the next day. The sitter was helping carrying the boys overnight bag. Yep. That's me. Small But Mighty.

It was already nearly four pm, and since they had to meet their Dad at 6, meaning on subway by 5:30, there really wasn't that much time. We decided to just walk down Austin Street - in the central business district. The stores give out candy. Or they used to. We spent a large part of the walk encountering: "No More Candy" signs. By 4:30! What time do people start??!

So, you know what - it was just OK. The kids weren't so interested in getting the candy (I know!!) and more in walking around in their costumes & "battling" each other. So it became this, over and over: "Go in, put your masks down, say trick or treat. What do you say?" Like it was a chore.

THEN, we're walking down this sidewalk, crowded with trick or treaters & there's a man with a dog. A labrador-ish sized dog. On a leash, but not so controlled. I said "Kids, watch out for the dog!" and the dog grabs Nathan's arm. In his mouth. Then lets go &... now get this... the guy looks back & continues walking!

Nathan was fine. Skin not even broken. Maybe the dog was a puppy, which was why it looked so all over the place... But of course crying, scared, upset. I was, if you'll excuse the expression - ready to rip the guy a new asshole. (Nathan: Mom, is that guy younger than you? Me: Yes, I think so. Nathan: Good, so you can beat him up.)

Then lets not get into having to use the bathroom. In costumes. Not close to our house. All I can say is thank goodness for Boston Market!

Next year: No Austin Street. Only houses. Earlier.

So here's the thing...

Max's teacher told me about his acting out at school. Max & I talked about it & worked out a plan. I didn't tell X, thinking it was a one-off event.

Sunday Max told me that he had gotten in trouble on Friday. I wrote his teacher a note, and he had no tv/computer time last night.

He assures me that he was perfectly well behaved Monday ("except for the first 20 minutes, Mom. I was a little wild. But then I calmed down and was good the rest of the day!")

I should tell X, right?

I know I should. He's the father. The thing is, he over-parents. He over disciplines. He does not have realistic expectations. He is giving the kids a TEST on Friday! A TEST! Max says he's not so worried (has to read a book and do math problems) but is concerned about Nathan.

I jsut feel for these kids.

BUT - my "new thing" is to NOT tell him how to parent. I came to this (too late) realization that if I don't want him commenting on my parenting... that perhaps I should not comment on his. (Ok, I'm a little slow on the uptake!)

He's the parent, and if we have different styles and philosophies it doesn't make one better or one worse... just different. (See, I'm trying to convince myself here!)

And he does have a lot of strengths. He is by far one of the smartest people I know. He has nearly photographic memory, has a good, analytic mind, and is, surprisingly enough, a good teacher because he knows how to break things down into small components. (A good teacher when he's in a good frame of mind....) I mean heck - the guy was nominated for a Pulitzer! (Why do I always use that to fall back on... like that saves him, or something?) (NOtice that there are a lot of parenthetical phrases where I question myself? Why is that? :) )

Bah! So, I guess what I'm saying is that I really have to tell him.... but maybe I'll wait 'til after this weekend - so the kids won't be with him...

Just because my life is so dull...

My sitter decided to quit.

Guess I should explain. I have a new sitter - started in September. She is absolutely great, but is 16 years old. After two weeks she asked if she could come late two days each week - because of some school thing. Ummm... late? Who will pick up the boys? That's kinda why I hired you... But, her mom stepped in & picks up the boys two days each week. She comes about 15 minutes after.

But, there's been lots of little stuff like that - asking if she could leave early, come a bit later... and each time I've actually been able to work it out. I believe in flexibilty. I'll do what I can to accommodate your schedule(although I absolutely expect the other person to do the same.)

Then yesterday I get an email from her "I can't work Monday. Have Dr's appointment." Now, I'm already leaving work early Wednesday to take the boys trick or treating before they go to their Dad's that night, then I'm off Friday (going away for the weekend w/J!!) so leaving work early Monday is not really much of an option. My boss is nice, but....

So I asked: Can it be another day?

No. It can't. So I called her. Why did you schedule it when you had work? Her mom did. Why did she? Then I explained: This is a responsible position. She works so that *I* can work. I need to work. If I did not work I would be home with my boys and thus not need her. This puts me in a bind. And, really... kinda sucks.

I don't think I was harsh.. but I was very direct. This has been happening too much & the last thing I need in my life is more stress!

So she emailed me. She thinks it's best if she stops working. It's too much. That it is a responsible position and she has too much in her life now... she will stay until I find somebody - help me train the other person...

And she's right. And actually, for a 16 year old - she's very mature. But she is 16 & this is a busy time in her life.. and it is too much pressure (on both of us!) for her to be doing this.

So I'm off to find a new sitter.

And you know what the kicker is? The absolute KICKER!?! My mom. She said to me: "Well, if you hire a 16 year old she'll have too much going on in her life... it will be hard." Ugh! How do they always know?!?! How?!?

(And oh, my monitor has gone green [ordered a new one] so I can't see the yellow on spell check. I double checked... but.. you know... life without spell check...)

Ohmygoodness!

I did it.

I talked to my super.

And quite honestly, it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. (Does that sound like a huge exaggeration? I'm sorry... but I actually think it might have been!)

I dropped the kids off at the bus, and as I was walking to the subway I saw him lounging in front of the building. (Not that I mean to imply anything about a super lounging... supers are allowed to lounge. They work very hard. When they're not lounging. Or maybe keeping watch for dogs! That's it! He was on a dog reconnaissance mission!) But I digress. So I saw him there, with his eye keenly peeled - on the look out for dogs with weak bladders... and I stopped a few buildings up and sat down. I ran through the entire script in my head. Again. And again. And ooohhhhh, 50 more times for good luck. Then I got up and walked over to him.

I said that I spoke to the Building Manager & we talked about the problem. I asked what specifically happened & he said he saw dog pee in the hallway - my floor - in front of the elevator. NOW - I had seen puddles there before, as had J -- and I told the super this. I also told him that 1) our dog wouldn't do that (our dog! Like how I say "our" dog!! Makes me happy.) 2) If, perchance he did - we'd of course clean it up! Super nodded. (He's the strong silent type, this super.. which makes my mission all the more difficult.)

I said... soooo..... because the manager said it was ok that we bring the dog back every once in a while, and because he could possibly cause a bit more work for you.... I'd like to give you...I reach into my purse and start to take out a folded bill... He shakes his head. No. He does not want it. He will not take it. I said "really?" I said: "But I don't want to feel funny. I don't want this to be extra work for you - I know this is a dog free place..." He was like "No. That's ok." I said well...ok then - have a good day.... and walked off to the subway. Feeling ill.

Honestly. I felt ill. Thought I'd be sick. I hadn't even thought he wouldn't take it! This "Hush Money!"

So now two things... 1) I'm not really sure if it's all resolved... and 2) You know how sometimes when you do something that's really difficult - and when you're done... when you do it you feel good. Like: "Hey, it was really hard, and I did it! Wow! Good for me!" Well, I don't feel that way. I just feel unsettled. I"m not so proud that I did that. And I don't really even think I did anything "wrong"... except maybe I did? I don't know. The whole thing is just so out of character for me!

(And on a side note - the laundry service that picks up and delivers our laundry... and brings it back all nice smelling and tied into little bundles... well - last week I wasn't there when they dropped it off. I told them that I wouldn't be there, so nobody would pay them. They said "No worries - we'll catch you next time." Sooooooo today they dropped off the laundry & didn't ask for last weeks. I didn't offer. Next week I'm going to. I thought about it. It's the right thing to do. And NO - it's not a reaction formation from the guilt from the bribe! No! It's not! I'm just like that.)

Somehow I feel like this whole dog, bribe/hushmoney/tip/whatever saga has not ended... that actually it has only just begun (cue either Carpenters "We've Only Just Begun" or foreboding organ music.)

Wow, lots of things happen to you!

That's what my new co-worker said to me the other day when I complained about the note from my management company. The week before my babysitter was unable to pick the kids up & I had to scramble to find somebody at the last minute (called my old sitter) and it was horrible, horrible panic. Then got letter from collection agency - wanting money for plastic surgeon who two years ago billed me for 1) er visit, 2) after hours er visit and 3) after hours er consult! Can you believe it?!? The gall! I actually got the collection guy to get the bill halved for me - so that was good...

But I guess.. yeah... lots of stuff happens to me. Or maybe it's just a bad...err.... season!

So I called up the management company for my building & spoke to the guy in charge of my building. He was actually very reasonable. He said if it's one night every once in a while.. it's ok - but he couldn't allow anything that was "regular" (every other week...). So I was ok with that.. but then he said that it was the SUPER who ratted us out - because he found some urine in the building! I was like "Hey! That's not our dog! He doesn't do that, and if he did you can be sure we would clean it up!" So he was all "Oh man, that means there's ANOTHER dog in my building!" and I was all "But this isn't fair! I'm being penalized for something that wasn't even me!" I guess I could really deal with it if he had said that the neighbors had complained about the clicking toenails...but something we didn't even do! (And J said he's actually seen puddles outside the elevator on our floor - before he's walked his dog.... so I bet the other owner is on our floor!!!)

So - this is the action plan: We're going to (shhhhhh) bribe the super! Yes! I've never done anything like that in my life... but... I'm trying to think out a script - I have to. There is no way I can just walk up to him and be like "so, here's some money - keep your mouth shut if you know what's good for you!" Ha! I figure I'll say something like "I heard you had some trouble with a dog here, I want you to know it wasn't the dog that sometimes comes to visit my apt - but I want to give you this just in case having the dog here causes you any extra work - and hope that you'll let me know if there are any problems...." Does that sound too cheesy? I figure that since it wasn't a neighbor who complained (and he's such a quiet dog it was really hard to think of who would...) that if I do this we'll be safe.

And thus I enter the Dark Side.

I received a phone call from Max's teacher. In kindergarten he would receive weekly reports about his "behavior" and his teacher last year (same one as this year) had the same complaints. He likes to chatter. He likes to "laugh" and joke around.. he sometimes would rather (gasp!) do that than do work... and he's not "working up to his capacity."

I played the voicemail message for Max and showed him the note I wrote back to his teacher. I wrote that if I hear from her again he will lose a privilege (probably tv) and if I don't, I'll get him some Pokemon cards at the end of the month. We talked about it, and he understood (or seemed to) the cause and effect. Honestly? Yes, he's an active, rambunctious kid.. but I also think he's a wee bit bored. When I mentioned this to his teacher last year she got upset "But I make this class so challenging!" So I know better than to bring it up again. But his homework? Busy work. He finishes it in 10 minutes. If that is any indication of what his regular work at school is... Oy. So - we'll see what happens.

Wednesday the kids were over at X's. I call to say goodnight and X gets on the phone. "Nathan just at pork chop and mashed potato. I understand he never eats that with you." I kept my cool and said something like "well, then it's even better that you have him once a week now, isn't it?" but it upset me. Then Saturday he calls me: "Do you ever read to Nathan? He doesn't seem to be interested in anything." When I respond that he's interested in Star Wars and Pokemon he tells me that "Children should be exposed to all different things.... anybody can tell you that... you're not doing enough reading."

So here's the thing: In and of themselves these are just dicky X comments... but you know.. he has this WAY of always knowing the things I"m not so sure about... the parts of myself.... or my parenting... that I feel I can do a bit better. Like if he had said "I don't think you talk to the boys enough - you don't let them express themselves..." I would have told him he was an ass and hung up. I know that's patently untrue - and I KNOW that's what I'm good at. But these are two things that I'd like to do better.... I don't cook and feel deficient in that... and I feel like I NEVER have enough time to read to them as much as I'd like. Or, if/when I do.. well... I don't foist stuff on them that they don't feel like reading. I read what they want. Which is probably fine for 5 and 7 year olds... but... well.. he just plays on those insecurities. How does he know!?!?

Friday night I went to Shabbat services w/J and his daughter. It's at the synagogue he loves. I used to work there - before I went back to grad school - and now.. well.... I just can't connect. So I was sitting there.. and thinking - really thinking - about why I have these feelings about this place. I used to love it before I worked there... so what happened? What is it about the place? And I started remembering how it felt to work there... and I felt invisible there. I was an admin person and that was it. Was not really seen as a smart, articulate - PERSON. I felt invisible. And mostly from the two rabbis. Now, these rabbis are idolized. They are charismatic, dynamic, exciting, educated and insightful people. For the members. Me they said "hi" to and that was it...

But as I was really thinking about it more and more... I realized/remembered how it was for me there... it was right before X and I married. I was miserable. I went to a therapist and cried to her every time. I didn't know it was going to be like this. I thought love was different. Why is he like this? Why does he say these things? (And I don't want to get started about the therapist I was seeing then. She said nothing like .. ummm... if you're so miserable now maybe you want to think about things BEFORE you get married? I understand they're not supposed to "advise" but shit. She could have hinted....) I had just told X about a large amount of debt I had, and he was just horrible to me in ways that I just didn't even know how to counter... and I just wanted to talk to those rabbis. I just did. I wanted the sympathy that they were showing everybody else... I needed it. I was so needy. So miserable. And I remember even walking to where their offices were... hoping they'd come out.. ask what was wrong.. invite me in.. ask me to talk... They didn't.

And probably. Really. That was an unreal expectation. How could they have known? They were extraordinarily busy men.. with hectic schedules, members coming in all the time.. etc, etc... and I'm sure I wasn't the most outgoing of people.. especially about that! I mean, nobody - not even my closest closest friends knew about how horrible our relationship was... So there I was last Friday.. remembering this.. and tears started streaming down my face. You know, it's like I did therapy on myself. I forced myself to remember how it was... probably feelings I'd kept pent up for a long time - it was such an awful, awful awful time in my life... and realizing how now I just could NOT connect with the place because of that. It was a kinda surreal experience.

So I told J & well... he loves the place so we're gonna see. I figure that now that I realize what it's all about & talk it through... it'll be ok.. but we're gonna investigate other places, too.

So - now I'm up and ready to face another week! You?