All joking aside

It's hitting me hard. This whole kids away thing. Like I've been in a fog all day. Like I've been staring, dreamily up at their photos... You'd think they were going away for months.

What am I going to do when their Dad wants to take them to NZ?!? And you know he will - I mean, his family is there & they're gonna all want to see the kids.

I've been in this funk about it, and then I'm talking to this social worker who works at a nearby Skilled Nursing Facility (in patient rehab). She is the social worker there for one of my clients. This client is demented, and has a daughter who has paranoid delusions. It's a really tough case. The daughter has finally begun to trust me - but she is not my client - the mother is. Problem is - the daughter cannot focus long enough to really care enough for the mother. So, I'm trying to step in. To talk to the SW there, find out what's going on, what the discharge plan is, etc... and the SW will not talk to me. HIPPAA. I've spoken to countless social workers at countless hospitals and rehabs - and never ever encountered this.

I kind of came on a wee bit strong & she snapped at me. I hung up and started crying. Just put my head down on the desk and cried. Knowing full well that it wasn't about the mean social worker. (Ok, I know. I came on a wee bit strong...)

So I'm trying to puzzle out why this is all hitting me so much. But meanwhile - it's gonna be a long damn week.

A cavalcade of Feelings

Last night as I was putting the kids to sleep I looked at them and thought "Oh, my boys.... it's going to be so long until I put you to sleep again..." Then I smacked myself on the side of the head. (Maudlin or overdramatic much?)

Yep - kids are going to X's from tonight until Sunday. But I've written that before, haven't I? Can you tell the Overwhelming Thoughts I've been plagued with?!?

It's funny, when X first moved out and had the kids at his place - or even when he first moved out & we weren't even doing the the kids overnight - he'd just come over to be with them & I'd go out for a bit.... I loved it. I craved it! Me time! Alone time! I can go to a movie! I can shop! I can sit and stare into space and nobody will come over and poke me in the eye!! (And yes, when X & I first split it was right at graduation from grad school, the kids were 2 $ 4 & there was considerably more stress and strain in my life - that's for sure.)

But somewhere along the track it's kind of changed.

Don't get me wrong - I love the time to myself -- two weeks of single parenting at a time is enough. We're pretty worn out of each other, honestly. When the kids come back after a weekend away I always notice how we look at each other differently. We all need the break. (Yes, I am recognizing that by the the end of the 2nd week I may have become intolerable to them & they need a break from me, too!) But the fact that he only has them four nights a month is also enough.

But, the fact is - we've become a strong family unit. The three of us. We have our routines, our inside jokes, our "family cuddles" - and we're a threesome. (And for the record I wanted that photo down here, but somehow it ended up there & I'm just too peeved to move it.)

Ok - so let me get to the point. It used to be so cut & dried. X takes the kids & Hurray! Me time! Time with J! Alone! And now.... well.... I miss them. And this isn't just for two nights - it's for FIVE! FIVE NIGHTS! DO YOU REALIZE THAT?!?!?! ALMOST A WEEK!!!!!

Although how psyched am I that I have time to finally get my hair cut!

I'm a Rock Star!!!

So. Guys. Did you all get a load of how many comments I have? Come on. Count them! I'll wait.

Uh huh - at least four, right?!?

Can you see the huge grin on my face? I'm sure if you try, you can imagine it! I tell you guys, if you too want FOUR COMMENTS on your blog (and stat counter says 17 people! 17!!!!!) alls you have to do is comment yourself.

It's a whole new world.

(Cracking myself up.)

Kids are going to X's starting tomorrow. I'm so anxious.... not so happy to think of them being with somebody who wants them to "fear" him. Ugh. Strange to me that they love him. I guess that's pretty common with divorced couples.... I mean - I loved him once, so there has to be something loveable, right? Nathan just said: "When I'm with you I miss Daddy, and when I'm with Daddy I miss you. Why don't you live together?" Just when I think I've explained that for the last time... each time they grow, learn, develop a bit more they ask it again.

Like Sysiphus and the rock. Just keep pushing it up the hill. Or maybe like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day... it will just keep playing, and replaying... "why did you divorce? why are you living in separate homes? why are you so angry at each other?" Ugh.

But wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT!!!! Omigod! I was so excited by the extreme traffic on my blog that I forgot this oh so important tidbit: MY DIVORCE IS FINAL. I am single. I can go back to my maiden name. I am truly solo. Honestly, it's a strange kind of feeling....

Funny thing, though - my mom congratulated me & sounded really happy. I guess as parents they have really mixed feelings about it... wanting me to be safe, happy, loved - and feeling that families should stay together no matter what. BUT, when I told them bits & pieces of how X treated me... and while they don't know that it's "emotional abuse" they're starting to have an inkling...

Chapter 65 done. Many more yet to come.

Gee, could this post have been MORE all over the place?!?