Separation....

Dunno - can't think of a picture to go along with this. Had three things happen the past few days - and they're kinda different, but when I thought of them this morning realized that they are oh so the same.

1) Yesterday morning the X called me - "do you have a minute to talk?" I was jumping into the shower but asked what was up. He goes: "I had an awful week at work..." A bit stunned, I thought to myself "ok, this is strange - where do I go with this?" But, I sat down and said "Ok, tell me what happened."

Two thoughts ran through my mind: 1) he really has nobody to talk to; 2) I'm a social worker. This is what I do - so just do it.

So, I listened to his troubles, gave him a bit of my perspective, some advice, and encouragement. Then jumped into the shower.

This is how it was throughout our relationship. He would do/say something really horrible/mean/hurtful - but not even realize it. "I'm just being honest>' would be his response. I'd be like - "tell me, why do you keep saying these things if you know they bother or hurt me?" "Well, it's just how I feel. Just being honest." He never saw it. So I'd be all in emotional turmoil, then the next day, hour, minute - he'd be like it was nothing.

So, I can see that he sees nothing of what is going on, none of the conflicts, none of the oh so subtle insults: "Well, I have an important job.." as nothing.

But what do I do with this? I can't, just say "I don't want to hear it. Tell somebody who is NOT your ex-wife." Well, I could - but it's not me. He needed to talk. But again, he's getting the continued benefit of our relationship -- probably the best thing (for him) that he got from it - my listening/supportive ear. And I don't have the balls to just tell him to fuck off. I feel sorry for him, but what does that get me? From him? NOthing. Nothing physical, emotional, spiritual. Nothing. And I don't ven get the "Well, you've done a good thing" feeling for myself - 'cause I really feel kinda used. But it still comes back to my feeling sorry for him - and thus not wanting to give him another kick in the butt...

Then this kinda seques into my conversation w/my shrink about X's comment Re: "Important job." She was just like: "Why does it upset you? WHy don't you just think - 'I'm so glad I'm not with him any more! and move on." So, I don't know. I should be separate from him enough that when he makes stupid, dicky, hurtful comments like that that I do just think "whatta dick" and brush it off. But still, here I am, still thinking about it.

Then last night I"m talking to my mom - tell her about X's difficulty getting home last Friday because of the rain & how our sitter had to stay 'til 10:30 & I gave her overtime. My mom: "But HE should have given her the overtime." Me: "But he paid for her car service!" Thinking... whoa, wait a minute, why am I even discussing this with her. It's none of her business.I't's our thing, the X and me - and we are separate, and we pay for separate things & that's that. Mom: "AMY - he needs to be paying for that! Why are you doing it." Me - in a This Is The End of This Subject Voice: "Mom. Because I Did." Mom: "Ok, ok, ok." But I know it's filed away. And it bugged me because I even responeded to her at all.

So oy. I know that some people have a very easy time with this. EX did/does. It's over - this is hers, this is mine - we co-parent together, but that's it. But I feel/know that this whole thing really feels like it's taking much longer than it should. That I'm having difficulty finding the line, that he's having difficulty finding the line... and the peanut gallery doesn't even know what a line is! And the fact that I come from a family with the worst separation anxiety this side of the Rockies... well, doesn't help.

I wonder if/when this stops being a work in progress and we can just all go on our merry ways...

VENT

I don't get it.This was actually going to start off as a one pronged vent - but has just morphed into two.

1) Just saw a posting for a job as a DIRECTOR of a Senior Center. DIRECTOR. Salary: $40,000.00.

Now, there are starting social work salaries that are more than that - but really only at hospitals or nursing homes. But crap. It's crazy. How do they expect to get/keep people in NYC with those sort of salaries?!? Because this isn't entry level - they are asking for people with experience!

So that's one.

2) Look at this site for ohsocoolohsohip kids clothes. $58 for a shirt?

Does anybody else see things as horribly skewed? Or is it just me?

A what?

A Verizon Truck. Yes. That's what I said. Right now, right this very minute, my boyfriend covets a Verizon Truck. (Ok, right now he's probably sleeping, but chances are he's dreaming about a Verizon Truck....)

And think about it. Think about the idea of the truck. It can pretty much park where it wants - because they're Verizon Guys and are on the job making sure we can all use our phones. Plus there are these cool square windows in the back.... See?!?!

Ok. I don't see it too much either. But.... The donut thing I get.

Yes, things are going well with the boyfriend. Really well. Actually, it's kinda scary because there's almost NO Drama. Only fun. How can that be?!? Ok, a little drama... over some housing issues.... He.... well... he still lives in the same house as his not yet Ex-wife. And yes, I've already heard enough from my mom about that. So let's move on. For now. I'll get back to you in a few months with a status check.

We go out and I feel like I spend the whole time smiling. I love his humor. And I love that he's not afraid to take the piss out of me. And how I can tease him. And I love how we have so much in common. And how interesting he is. And the cute little tuft of hair under his bottom lip. (Oy, did I just say that? Cut me off right now! No - I will not start writing Hallmark Cards!)

And you know what made the hugest impression on me. Right when we started dating I told him about this community garden, near my apt. How I thought it was so great. And he did, too. AND - he remembered the garden - and referred back to it. I know it sounds like such a little thing.... but I don't know. It struck me. I suppose being with somebody for so long who is SO self-centered... it was nice to feel heard.

And oh - I can't keep my hands off him. (Did I just say that? Well, I believe I did!) Which is kinda cool, too.

Remember the last boyfriend? So much drama. All the time with the drama. When will he be here? What about dating other people? Why is he not emailing back? ONe could, of course, make a very good case that dating somebody who lives in another country is not really the way to go. But, it was good. It was. It was what I needed at that time, and I think we both really filled a need for each other. Don't forget - it was only a year after the X had moved out... and we hadn't even started concrete visitations. EX pushed and helped me to get that started.

We're still in touch - email/instant messenger (he knows I'm dating & he is dating as well - although he does not want to hear at all about J & I'm kinda curious about his.... is that a male female thing? Or just an Amy Strange Thing?) & he emailed me a few weeks before he came to NYC mid May. Did I want to go with him to see a modern dance show? The same one we had seen last summer.

I mentioned it to boyfriend (hereafter referred to as J.) who was like: "ok, but I'll honestly be a little jealous." So, I told E. (hereafter referred to as EX - not to be confused with X) that I could not go. I know that jealous feeling - and why give it to somebody I care about when the show really didn't mean that much to me?

So, there it is. Like most of my posts it kinda deviated a bit from its intended theme.... but I think you get the picture: It's been three months. All good. And I anticipate more to come.

Rainrainrainrainrainrain

It has been rainingrainingrainingrainingraining here in the NYC area. I mean, it's just crazy. As one of my clients might say "Enough, already!"

Yesterday I overheard two of the clients talking, and one said to the other: "You know, my mother always said, if it rains on Shavous, it will rain for 40 days...." Can't say I really like that thought.

I mean, the city was in total chaos Friday -- from that snap rain storm. Sure, there was a lot of rain in a relatively short period of time - but you would think that the subway system has been exposed to that before.... Virtually everything came to a standstill.

Now there's more today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next... I think until Sunday. And before we know it - the summer will be over.

Yes. Ok. A bit much. But I'm sick of this rain.

Bad Mood

I'm in a BAD MOOD this morning. I can already feel it. Not a SAD BAD MOOD - more like the: Say The Wrong Thing And I Will Bite Your Head Off BAD MOOD.

So, knowing that, I find myself trying to be extra kind. Sublimatesublimatesublimate the mood. "Oh, Amy, you're so nice!" "Mom - wow - can I really watch Power Rangers ALL DAY Saturday?! That's so great! You're so cool!"

Ha!

If they only knew.

Wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm supposed to get my period tomorrow? Nah.

TurWHATken?

TurDUCken. I just found out about it this weekend, and I"m still having a bit of a problem trying to .... errr.... digest the concept. (Ok, I"m not above throwing in the cheap joke every once in a while!)

I gather this - bird - is three birds in one. Three de-boned birds (which is already kinda yucky) and they're stuffed into each other?!?

I know, I know, it's strange. I"m not a vegetarian, I'm not really ever involved, thinking about, food/animal stuff. Got enough to worry about with people de-boning each other.... (yick).

But this really makes me want to organize Donald, Tom, and Chester have them put on their picket signs and PROTEST.

Any of you guys ever eat it? THoughts?

I'm here!

I feel like one of the Whos in Whoville! "We are here, we are here, we are here!" I feel like I haven't posted in a long time -- but when I looked, it actually was just this last Friday. (Wait? Last Friday? Wasn't I at work?)

Had a really great weekend. SPent it with the boyfriend, in NYC. I was actually very lucky, because the subways were totally down. There was about 1/2 hour of a down pour, and it flooded everything.

So, instead of schlepping back to Queens with the rest of the poor shlubs (and don't be offended poor shlubs, for I am usually one of you!) I got to stay in a shlub free hotel. (Well, shlub free except for the drunken tourists singing at the bar in the hotel restaurant. Don't ask.)

The X didn't get home until 10:30 pm - left at 5. He lives only about 30 miles away from NYC... My poor sitter didn't get home 'til after 1 am!

I went out for happy hour with a friend from work. Had two mojitos.- which was probably 1 and a half mojitos too many. But it was soooo good. Fresh mint. Served with a piece of sugar cane.... It was nice, and I think I've mentioned this before - in one or another blog that it was nice to go out with the "girls" . I don't do that enough.

On Saturday night we went out to a burlesque cabaret. I actually just found out that this cabaret used to be the "Blue Angel Cabaret"but is now called "Le Scandal" It was SO COOL.

And I can't even say what it was, in particular, that was the "coolest." The sword swallowing was amazing - had me putting my hands over my mouth in shock - and the strippers/burlesque act was great. I think, actually, what I liked about that the most was that the strippers had "normal" bodies. Legs a little lumpy, stomach not perfectly flat... and yet they were so sexy, so comfortable with their bodies. Really good female role models - in a warped burlesque kinda way.

AND - there was another show going on in front of us. A table full of twenty-something girls, and one 40ish man (oh so slightly overweight - think Jackie Gleason) trying to ply the most scantily clothed of them with alcohol. He'd just wander over, give her a shot - say hi - and walk away. I stopped paying attention to that show, to watch the burlesque show - and the next thing I knew - she had her head down on the table. Passed out.

Did THAT deter him?!? Come on readers - what do you think?!? Not in the least. WHen we left I caught him talking to her friend, mentioning how he'd take her home & the friend saying "Uh No, I don't think so."

Oy.

I must mention that this cabare is at The CUtting Room - co- owned by Chris Noth - who I happen to have a bit of a crush on.... Not that it had anything to do with my enjoyment of the night, or the weekend. But I just like to write Chris Noth. ChrisNothChrisNothChrisNothChrisNoth.

Again with the Guilt

This morning Nathan comes out of his room... with a kinda sad, kinda grumpy look on his face. I ask: "What's wrong?" He says: "Is today Daddy's?" "Yes, today is Daddy's."

To which he looks at me and responds: "Why is it all the time Daddy's? Daddy's, Daddy's Daddy's? When is it Mommy's? I want Gwen."

Of course, you know, it was the last three words that were the real knife in the gut.

I know, I know, I know, it's ok, it's normal, it's good. I know that.

But - the segue - from going to the X's, to him wanting his sitter... weill - you know, he double barreled me!

And for those of you who have been "with me" since Max's birth... you know about all the soul searching, mind wracking, and babbling on and on I've done about my issues with work, sitter, staying at home, etc, etc, etc. And I think I've gotten to a good place with that.

But every once in a while....

Thoughts on an "Important Job"

So I started this whole long post - was pretty much done with it - wanted to check one thing... and Poof! Gone! What's THAT all about?! I wonder if I can recreate it.... But you know, all the thought, magic, that... I don't know what - that je ne se qua - that goes into the creation of a post. Can I recreate it? Can I rebuild?

The post was brought on by a comment made by the X. He had the kids one night & called me early the next morning - Could I make Max lunch that day. He had been too busy to go food shopping. When I mentioned that I had been just a wee bit busy myself, he said something about having an Important Job.

I immediately agreed: "Yes, yes, your job is so much more important..."

What?!? YOu're thinking: "Did the pod people come and take over Amy?!?" Actually, I just let it go. I've at least gotten one thing out of my paying my shrink the big bucks - and that's the fact that try as I might, I can't change the X's world view. So, just learn how to deal with it.

So,anyhow, that just got me thinking about the value one puts on ones' job. Like I love being a social worker. Since I started I realized that it is just the job for me. Tailor made. But, notice that I don't write about social work stuff on this blog. And I'm not a member of a social work blogring.

Still, my most important job is the Mom job.

I'm staying at my three day a week job because they appreciate and respect that there. They know I'll do my job & work hard, but they also know and respect that family is very important. And that I'm a single mom.

I've worked at places where it was hell taking off a few hours in the morning... and I'm not going to go through that again.

Then the other thought train that this took me on was the fact how the X does not see it like that. (Yes, I know - read above paragraph re: shrink & changing his world view...)

But it makes me sad - and I'm not really sure who for - that he's so tangentially involved in their lives. He has them for about 9-10 nights a month & when he doesn't have them it's as if they're not there.

And I understand that he really took/takes his role as the primary bread winner seriously. He can't take off days, or leave early... His theory was that if I'm working the crunchy non-profit job, one of us needs to make the money to support us in the lifestyle we've become accustomed to... Whatever.

So, what? Where am I going with this? Is it random babbling, or does it actually have a point? (Does anybody really know what time it is?) Importance is in the eye of the beholder, and the relative worth that job brings to the person? I 'spose.

But DAMN he pissed me off.

End of the Summer

So, here's the thing. Tomorrow is June first. I simply cannot believe that May is almost over and we're getting into June. Time is just going far, far too fast. I hear that we're going into June and I automatically spiral out into: "The Summer is Almost Over!" But of course it's not. But it just feels like time goes so fast that before I know it, the three months I wait so eagerly for all year - will soon be gone. Then it will be Autumn and my kids a grade older... then it will be winter and I'll be a year older, seriously venturing into my 40's...

And have I mentioned that tomorrow is my half birthday? Yes in deedy doo.

Cooperative Village - History

Cooperative Village - History

These are the co-ops where the seniors I work with live.

Saying the Pledge

Max led the kindergarteners and the audience in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. 

Is this why you've all been...

dare I say it... Idol?

"More than 63 million votes were cast, "more than any president in the history of our country has received," Seacrest said."

Ok, so, I don't watch it - so I can't really comment... but I think some people (not me - I have too much to think about already) need to do some serious thinkin' 'bout the next presidential election....

Can you remember.....

Can you remember? Think back, to a time oh, not so long ago.... That's it.... thiiiiinnnkkkk... Maybe it was about a week or so ago - or maybe just a wee bit more... Are you there? Are you with me?
Ok, so we've gotten to that place that was a week or so ago... We all kinda remember where our minds were at that time, right.

SO, what I'm wondering right about now... which would be about two or so weeks from how we all were... oh - two and a half weeks ago...

What I'm wondering is.....Well, without beating around the bush, which is what I suppose I'm kinda doing - but, what I'm wondering is...

WHERE ARE ALL MY COMMENTS?!?

Come on, guys - show me some love!

I thank you very much. :)

What's a little OCD Between Friends?

Ok, so, I'm getting ready for bed & I notice that my favorite baseball cap is not where it usually is. I got this cap on my trip to Pt. Reyes, CA last summer - so not only do I like it - but I have a sentimental attachment to it. I should also note that Max covets it - since it has a dragon fly on it - but I will not let him have it...

SO - the cap is not there. Ok. So, I look around. Not there. Under the bed? Nope. Frantic! Scouring the apartment!

CANNOT FIND THE CAP!!!

Dying, absolutely DYING to call my sitter & ask her if she's seen it...but of course it's much too late to call over something as trivial as this...

And yet... and yet... and yet.... I can't find it and I can't get to sleep!

Ok. Feel better now. I"m sure there will be some sort of explanation for this in the morning.

Field Trip Tribune

Max went on a field trip to see a play - "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie" I don't know if you can see it - but I love the audience shot. 

THe Candy Man Can?

Yeah, well - I haven't posted in a while - so I'm making up for it now. I felt a little crappy over the weekend - plus my sitter was sick -- so that threw everything into a bit of chaos. We're both ok now, though.

SO - I'm noticing this new thing that kids are doing on the subway. It used to be that they would go around selling those boxes of M&M's - for about a dollar - on the subway. THey were ostensibly for school fundraisers. Who knows if they were or weren't - but that was how they were presented & if we wanted to buy, we would buy.

BUT, lately I've seen teenage boys come into the subway cars and say: "Ladies and Gentlemen - excuse me for the interuption but I'm selling this candy. And Ladies and Gentlemen - this isn't for any school - I'm selling this to make money for myself - so that I don't do anything bad and so I can buy more candy. So, if you want to - please buy some candy - or give a donation." (Italics added.)

My first thought: 1) Where did he get the money to buy the candy in the first place? 2) What the fuck?!?

NOw listen - I used to sell stuff on the sidewalk outside my house. I'm not against kids selling stuff to make extra spending money. And MAYBE one could argue that for urban kids the subway is their front yard? (It would be a tough argument, but...) BUT - when I did that I was about 10 YEARS OLD - and COULD NOT work and I didn't ask for "donations" and I didn't use veiled threats, either.

If they even just LIED and said they were selling the candy for their school... well... I could deal with that. I have dealt with it. This just pisses me off.

These are young, seemingly able-bodied, English speaking kids. There is no reason on earth that they should be doing this. They're not saying they're homelss, they're not saying they are sick - all they're saying is give me money. Really.

And please - don't tell me there are no jobs to be had. These kids can't be raking in the big bucks doing this - there ARE jobs that would pay more than this - I know. So I just don't get it? This is more fun? Glamorous?

Is there some sort of candy money laundering thing I don't know about and these kids actually rake in hundreds of dollars per M&M box they sell!?! Did I miss that ad on Craigs list?

When Worlds Collide

THis morning I experienced the convergence of two worlds. My boyfriend (like how I always put that in italics? Oh, you didn't notice? Well, you will now.) was going to be right up the street this morning & I just felt... well... it's just strange not to have some sort of acknowledgement of that.

Plus, I wanted to give the poor guy some coffee (even though just decaf) - since he's doing this massive, horrendous commute.

SO ANYHOW, (do I say that in all my postings? I"m going to have to go back & check.) I invited him to come up and I'd give him a cuppa to go.

So, I told the kids that my friend was going to stop by & I was going to give him a cup of coffee - and he did. And I can't even describe how it was. (So why am I writing about it, you ask, if I can't describe it? I'll tell you - I don't know. But here in our little village of Annetevka... Sorry. Living in my own private joke world.) I guess I"m writing about it to help sort it out in my own mind.

You know, the two worlds had always been so separate - and so purposefully separate. Ever since I started dating a year or so ago -- I'd never talk to guys when the kids were up, only go out when they're w/the X, etc, etc... two separate worlds.

But this morning, here they all were - all in the same room. Annnnddddd...... It was ok. It was fine. It was normal. No great thunder crashes, or earth trembling...

It was totally cool.

Got nothing to say

So, I'm starting this post with absolutely no theme in mind. No premise. No thought. Not even a germ. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

So.... nice weather we're having, huh?

Oh - here's a thought. I'm supposed to do the AIDS Walk on Sunday. But.... it might rain. The money I've raised, including some that I am donating myself, will go directly to AWNY - if I walk or not. Soooooo am I really bad if I don't.

Rhetorical question, by the way. I don't want to know if you think I'm bad if I don't walk. Just keep it to yourself. "That Amy, she's a baaaaddd person - comitting to something and not following through... I hope it's not indicative of other aspects of her life."

It's not. It's not! I promise!!! It's just that.... well.... it being on a Sunday morning...and it being early on a Sunday morning... Well... and rain is wet... You know.

Maybe I should quit while I"m ahead.

One Angry Black Bitch

One Angry Black Bitch

Thanks for the recommendation, Gwen. I really like it. THis sounds cliche - but it's honest & real.

Blogging Moms

So I'm starting to find all these momblogs: Dotmoms, etc. I found one: Bloggermommies -that I thought sounded interesting & was going to sign up until I read the requirements.

Huh?

No negativity? Complaining? Hostility? Whining?

Sorry. Can't do that. And I think, quite honestly, I'd be afraid to read the blogs of the mothers who COULD.

Great, just great

Yes, I know this isnt' a good photo -- but for some reason I kinda like it.... ANyhow - Max's actual birthday is Wednesday & I sent his teacher a note if I send in anything. She said yes, and looking forward to seeing you then: Wed at 1:10 pm.

Work?

So, I've been tossing around the idea of calling in sick - but I hate doing that. I was off last Thurs for this other job, and left early last week to take Max to the Dentist...

So, finally decided NOT to go to the party when this morning Max says: "Mom, are you coming into my school Wednesday - for my birthday - like Andrea's Mom did?" (Sword meet my heart.) Then he says: "I had a dream last night that I was at school and I was going to the bathroom with my friend Michael - and I came back to the classroom and you were there."

What? Could you stab me again, please?

So - I'm at a loss. Do I tell them and then only work 'til about 11:45am? DOes that make sense? Do I take another (legal) day? Do I call in sick? Do I not go to Max's school?

I hate this shit. 

Love this shot. These kids are all such characters! 

STRIKE!

I don't even know if he got a strike, but his pure pride in himself... well, hey - everybody should be their own cheerleader, right? 

Some Thoughts on Sharing

So, could somebody please explain this whole sharing thing to me? I mean, I feel like I'm pretty well socialized - you know make and keep friends, play well with others.... but I just don't know the rules.

Like, if one kid is playing with something - intently involved in it & another comes over & wants to take one of the pieces to play with - why should he be able to? I'd be like: "Go find something else to do."

But I feel like I'm in the minority.

And now Max got all this stuff for his birthday. (Ok, not tons of stuff - because we didn't have a huge party, but) and Nathan wants to play with it, too. Especially the Power Rangers. (Which goes back to that post on Gwen's Blog & the fact that Max got a Weather Station, some great books, an Ice Maker [more about that later] and Polar Animals... but he was all about the Power Rangers.)

He got about 6 of them & of course can't play with ALL OF THEM at once, but... and Nathan wants to play with one. Logic would say: Let the kid play with one, and Max has the other five... BUT, they're his new special toy....

Oy, the battles. Which weren't helped by the fact that some people (umm, my parents) wanted Max to share, while I was telling Nathan to look elsewhere.

All in all, a good party. Waiting for the photos to upload before I post about that.

Losing It

THis morning I asked my sitter to come a bit later. I didn't have to be at the job until 10; so figured I could take Max to the bus. We're getting ready but cannot find his shoe. Nope. Can't find it.

So I tell him he has to wear his sneakers. You would've thought I was telling him he had to wear foot clamps! We looked all over. I looked in the garbage, in my closet, in my dresser drawer - could NOT find that shoe.

So, finally after much anguish, tears, frustration and yelling - he puts on his sneakers and we get ready to go. Gwen (my sitter) comes in & as we're walking out the door we tell her about the trauma. The door shuts. She opens it: "I've found the shoe!"

Huh?

Where was it?

"It was in the middle of your room."

Huh?

Ok. Where's the other shoe?

Where you left it.

And the lost shoe was where!?!?

Sitting there. On the floor. In the middle of your room.

Thoughts on a First Filling

Today I took Max to the dentist for his first filling. Now, one thing you have to know about Max is he has little or no fear. He's a worrier, but has no fear. Meaning, I guess, he thinks about stuff... but when it comes to adventure, or the possibilty of pain... nope.

Also, these visits - doctor, dentist, whatever - are social visits. He has chats with all the people there, talks about stuff going on, whatever. He's totally relaxed.

So, at the last appointment I asked the dentist if they put the kids out, or what. He looked at me and said "DO NOT TELL HIM A THING! DO NOT call it a shot! DO NOT tell him anything!" Ok, ok, phew! My usual modus operandi (how often do you get to use THAT expression?!) is to prep my kids. Tell them exactly what to expect -- but I fugured this guy is a pediatric dentist.... so.....

So, we go in & Max is all "dum, de, dum... I'm at the dentist." And I'm all: "yikes, look at that tool, wonder what that's for! Look at that big needle!" (To myself!)

THe dentist comes in, Max puts on his shades (they give the kids sunglasses because of the overhead light) and they're ready. The dentist puts the initial numbing stuff on, and then tells Max he's going to feel a "tightness" and that his tooth will feel funny. I say nothing. He gets out the needle. I say nothing. He pokes Max. NOthing. He pokes again. Max: "ow!" I'm poised. Ready to pounce. But I'm looking at Max and he's still really totally relaxed. I don't see his feet moving, his hands clenching.... so I relax.

He gets the shots, they put this rubber sheet thingy around his mouth - that I've had before. That I HATE. But Max seems fine. Ok, well, he's fine... but MAN, I do so hate that rubber sheety thingy.... How could he not hate it? Isn't he miserable?!? Why is he ok?!?

So, they do it. I watch the drill going in, I see the tooth bleeding, and I see my son sitting there, totally calm, relaxed, and at one with the world.

So, the dentist finishes & then he starts to look at Max's loose tooth in the front. (This is a looose baby tooth that needed to come out - was sticking out in a funny way...) Now, it had been MY understanding that if this tooth did not fall out of it's own accord the dentist would take it out at the LAST tooth filling. Not the first. He gets some BIG plyers, and starts moving the tooth around. Max reacts: "OUCH THAT HURTS!" I am up. Out of the seat. Max is starting to squirm and is yelling. I"m about to belt the dentist & the tooth is out.

Max is fine. Wants to look at the bloody gauze, and it's SO COOL that the tooth has a really long root. And oh, the rubber sheety thingy - is SO COMFOTABLE. It's almost as comfortable as Squishy Pillow. (THe ultimate in comfort.)

So, what did I learn from this? 1) That my child is an absolutely separate person from me. 2) Gotta be quicker with my right hook.

Just Stuff

What? Did you think that I wouldn't continue what I was going to write about last night? Do you think that I would let you, my blog reading public, do without?! Please!!

SO. Started off the day by waking up in bed totally alone. You know - hasn't happened too much lately. Between boyfriend & kids .... I've grown used to sharing the bed all the time. Like I used to. (ANd honestly: between you, me, and the millions of people who read this - I'm not such a good bed sharer. I believe the two words: "bed hog" have been used when talking about that. But we'll let that go for now.)

THere had been a problem. For a while. Of the kids wetting the bed when they'd come in. So I said that I would put a sign on my door saying "DO NOT COME INTO MOMMY'S BED UNLESS YOU STOP OFF AND MAKE FIRST." They thought that was so cool. It actually became a topic of conversation: Where would I put the sign? What would I make it out of? WOuld it stay up?

Who says we don't talk about interesting stuff here?

But what was I going to talk about?

I don't know - and now I have to get into the shower.

But don't worry - I'm not going anywhere (anywhere BIG that is) and I'll get back to you. And just think, this will add that extra bit of anticipation to your day!

Thoughts on X's, boyfriends, and just stuff....

So, I know I've mentioned that this it the big month - the one where we (X & I) split our accounts. I think I've also mentioned that he had told me that he would no longer take the kids every other Monday - just every Wednesday and every other weekend. THat it was too difficult for him to get home before 6:30 pm two nights a week.

In liu of that we had decided that I would have "wildcard" nights - two a month - where I could ask for an extra night.

Soooooo, I had asked the X a few times if he was going to go to an art show Nathan's school was doing - and if he was - which night. I wanted to invite my parents - and wanted to know when he was going & if he'd feel comfortable.

He never answered the question. Finally he told me to email him the info. I did. No answer. So, today I called him & left a voicemail message. He calls back. I answer the phone & he sounds BAD. I ask if he's ok. No, he's feeling "down." Oh no. This is how it always starts....

I ask him about the 17th - which is a wednesday - if he'd take the kids. He's taking them the 15th, because I"m going out w/some friends - but I'd like to have another night.

His first response: "I think I"m paying too much money for a guy who has his kids as often as I do."

Really. That's what he said. He sees them, what - MAYBE 10 nights a month?

Then he starts going off about how I need to make more, and if I've gotten a raise & how I make stuff up... and in the end I said to just forget the 17th.

Then I went out with my boyfriend (a term I don't really like, but have nothing else to replace it with). I tell ya' guys - it's pretty good. Yep.

It's a strange thing, now, dating again & the whole kids thing. Like when he stays over I'm always worried that the kids will come back before he leaves - or if he meets me in the morning to commute to work together - that the kids will see us as they're coming back from the X's, or on their way to school...

And it sucks to have it be like that. So...... furtive and all. And all I want to do is introduce them! Who wouldn't?!? I mean, I'm the person who has always introduced ALL my friends to each other. Half my friends are friends because they met through me! So of course I want to introduce all the important people in my life to each other.

And of course that begs the question: "How do you know when it IS the right time to tell them..." But I guess like most other things in parenting -- I'll just wing it.

You know, there really was going to be "other stuff" - because there's not a lack of stuff going on in this head - but I gotta stop now & relax & go to sleep.

'night.

And oh, have I mentioned that...

... I'm a freak? Because if I haven't, now might be a good time for me to do that.

Went into my "bad" job Friday & spoke to my co-worker there & she was pretty much like just calm down & stop. I spoke to my boss & she was normal. True, my job will be ending there soon, but they're not unhappy with me - and she did not give a bad reference.

(Could I just interrupt this rant to say that Max is now watching Tom & Jerry and is actually picking out all the things that could not happen in "real" life. Like, if you tied a baby duck to an anvil it's probaby very unlikely that he'd be able to run with the anvil attached to him. And if shot, point blank, with a rifle, that the said baby duck would in all likelihood - die. I agreed, and told him that I was glad he knew it wasn't real. He was like "oh yes, I know, it's fiction." !!!)

AND - I got the other job. So, that means that when this monday/friday job ends, I'll have at least a one day a week job to fall back on. And, if that works out financially, then fine, if not I'll keep looking. But at least I'll have that. And, she might be able to have me work two days initially, which would be great in getting me over this hump. OR, maybe I'll work all three... just 'cause I want to be able to say that I'm working three jobs. Like in those old Saturday night live (was it saturday night live?) with the Jamaican families who work millions of jobs....

(Pardon another interruption, but have any of you ever tasted the "fruit" [and I use that term very loosely] snack "Gushers". All I have to say is: "YICK.")

So, in the end, and to finally get to the point of this ramble... it was all in my little 'ole (perfectly shaped) head. (Yes, my hairdresser says I have a perfectly shaped head. Don't be jealous.)

Rep. Patrick Kennedy to Enter Drug Rehab - Yahoo! News

Rep. Patrick Kennedy to Enter Drug Rehab - Yahoo! News

Poor guy.

The Waiting's the Hardest Part

And not for Godot. Or Tom Petty. But to find out about this friggin' job.

I know, I can hear the Greek Chorus in the background :"Amy, will you cut it out - it hasn't even been a week yet!" But you know, that chaos thing. Just don't like it. Also, with this other job soon to be ending... you know - it would be nice, for once, to have everylittlelittlelittlething all tied up in a nice little package.

Also, my crazy self is worried that my freak job won't give me a good reference - so that sets me on edge. Even though I know I'm doing a good job & that my supervisor is a case study of how not to manage... you just don't know.

Plus. OK. I'll say it. THere's another minor, minor, oh so very very minor thing that could be influencing this. Oh so minor that I even hesitate to mention it... but awww, what the heck? Why not? Why not just throw it out there. I mean, it's so minor that if I mention it - it'll make no difference. I mean, it's only three little letters - and you know what - not one of them is even a vowel!! That's right! pms.

Not as freaked

And for those of you who are following this closely (and I'm assuming that's ALL OF YOU, RIGHT?!?!) I'm feeling better today.

I think sometimes the best thing for me is not the kind, listening ear - but the smack upside the head. I was talking to my office mate today & she was like: DON'T YOU DARE SEND THAT EMAIL TO THEM. YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB - THEY ARE LUCKY TO FIND/HAVE YOU AND IT IS THEIR RESPONSIBILTY TO USE YOU AND FIND YOU WORK. PULL YOUR FRIGGIN' HEAD IN.

Point noted.

Easy Money!

So, you guys all know that my M-F job is ending end of June (or before) so I've been applying to all sorts of part-time jobs. I applied to this one for data entry on craigslist & got this in response:

Unfortunately all the Data Entry Assistant position vacancies are filled by now, but we are now looking for a few people for Monetary Assistant long term position
which would require higher level of responsibility but will also be more rewarding, and I thought you might be interested in taking this position.

abf import. is a high-growing import-export company based in Sweden with the branches worldwide. Please find more
info aboutour company at www.abfimport.net

The necessity of having Monetary Assistant positionfor our company comes from the fact that we are a Europe-based an have the major part of a profit coming from the other countries's market, and inorder to lower our high taxes here in Europe (every company is required topay it's taxes
only in the country where it is registered and based), we, like many other import-export companies, usespecia marketing system the bottom line of which is to divide the whole coming money stream into numerous smaller money streams; and in order to do this we need many bank accounts which those smaller money streams would go through and people who would control them.

This is a pure marketing, it doesn't break any law of any country in any way You would need to:- have two or more
bank account(s) in any majorCanada bank(s)(small country banks are not good), can be newly opened or not- report everyday bank activity related to thecompany(although you would be notified in advance every time any money transaction occurs)- 2 to3 times a week to do money tansfers following the instruction you'd be given The bottom line is: - some company's money will be going to your account(s)every 2-3 days and you will be responsible for transfering it to the company- the monthly total amount going through oneaccount would b e $15000 - $20000 - company will be covering all possible bank's fees - the salary for this position per one bank account you can provide the company with is $400 weekly paid every week by
wire transfer deposit to your bank acct starting the day when the account's first bank transaction occurs- you can work with up to 3 accounts

If you are interested in this position please let me know at your earliest convenience.

So I'm thinkin', guys, this sounds pretty good, huh?!? I could rake in $1200 a WEEK tax free!

:)

I think I"m gonna report them to craigslist.

Oh, the Horror

Today was, at the risk of being overdramatic - a horrible day. I woke up with a START at 5:00 am, from a dream where I was at my Monday/Friday job (which I don't particularly like) and was being told - again - that I've made a mistake.

This job is ok, but my supervisor has managed, from day one, to find everything I do wrong - but not ever notice anything that I do right. And more than that - if she asks me to send out an email for her & it's not in her style then it's wrong. And I know, I have a very informal style. But an example - she asked how I addresssed an email sent out to a committee - I said "Well, I wrote 'Dear Committee Members," She says - "that's too formal." She decides to address it: "Dear Healthcare Committee Members."

Huh?

It's gotten to the point where I really feel picked on - and am starting to make mistakes because I'm so out of joint when I'm there.

The position ends end of June - and I've already interviewed for another (Friday) & they pretty much told me that they just have to check my references & that's it.

So what's the problem, you ask?

I'm not entirely sure I know. And in the end I've surmised that it's not one thing, but all together. 1) The general anxiety that job makes me feel, 2) that it's going to end soon, 3) that I'm on my own now financially, 4) that even though it's just Tuesday - I haven't heard back from the Friday job interview; 5) I have PMS.

But I tell you, I haven't felt anxiety like this since the past summer - when I had NO job and the X was horriblehorriblehorrible.

I actually cornered one of the social workers I work with - who I'm also friendly with - and just asked her if I could off load a bit to her. I just needed to talk out some of the anxiety. It helped. What was off-putting is I'm ususally able to get myself through this sort of stuff... so that it'll go away after a bit -- but today it was just relentless.

She was great. (She's actually a great therapist - I can tell!) She was like, ummm, Amy - you ARE going through a lot now... so don't feel like you need to explain these feelings... And it's true - lots of things at once. And the PMS. But it helped me to normalize it a bit. And to talk.

Think I'm just gonna confront it head on w/the boss at the hated job - because my work load has also dwindled down to almost nothing - so I'm sure they're gonna tell me soon that the position's over. I feel like if I bring it up first, it kinda puts me back in the power position. A little more in control.

And now I"m babbling. But it's my blog, I can babble if I want to! Also, I needed another off-load before I went to sleep. My mind's just too heavy.

I made her do it!

See, here at "Come on Along" we have wide reaching impact. (Wide reaching impact? What does that mean? SOunds strange.) ANYHOW, my friend Rach has started a blog of her own. She's also on her third blog - so maybe third times the charm for both of us. Her website, though, is even cooler.

I'm thinking that I don't actually know that many people with websites, or blogs... Gwen has her non-kosher blog, and H. has her business -- but... (and she doesn't read my blog - says she talks to me every day so she already knows what's going on in my life. But ha! She doesn't know about this!!)

I don't know what I like about doing this... but I do enjoy it.... so.... there! (See, and I'm so articulate, too!)

Thank You Stephen Colbert.

Thank You Stephen Colbert.

You guys have to watch the video. It's something else.

May Day

Today's the day, guys. Today's the day that I'm officially financially separate from the X. Well, except for child support & other stuff... but you know. And I just realized - is that child support supposed to cover their clothes, shoes, etc, etc? Better check on that - otherwise he's going to be taking them on some of their shopping trips, too. Somehow it doesn't seem right that just 'cause he doesn't like to shop that means I pay for all of it... Although I imagine that's what child "support" is for, huh?

Yikes!

Good thing I got those sandles in under the wire! :)

I'm glad, though, that this is happening. TOok long enough & we really need to get this over & done with anyhow...

The power of Advertising

So I brought the kids shoe shopping yesterday. I'm really pretty bad with this - I buy them like one pair of shoes per season & they wear them to death. Usually for fall/winter a pair of merrill like shoes & snow boots - then for summer sandles. I used to get them sneakers, but somehow stopped in fall & they just wear their sandles all summer long...

SO ANYHOW - brought them yesterday to buy shoes & was unsure whether or not to get them sneakers AND sandles... but when I saw how much support the sandles had, figured I'd just spend the money on a good pair. (Is this too much information? Am I babbling? I figured you guys need backround. Besides, what would be the point of a blog entry that went: "Went to store. Bought shoes." ?)

I don't know if you've noticed, but jeeze - these kids are starting to have.... like... opinions! Like they know what they want and what they like?!? Huh?!? What every happened to the 'ole following me blindly?! Not so sure how I feel about this....

Max immediatly picked out a pair of water shoes. Had to get through that - no way I"m getting water shoes at the high priced shoe store. Those are the payless shoes.

FINALLY, get him to agree to a pair of sandles... but then he sees the blue sneakers. These were admitedly cool sneakers. But they were also over $60.

We get home & the boys look through their spoils. ALl of a sudden Max goes: "Hey, Nathan has Geox sandles! HIs breathe! Mine aren't Geox!!" WTF!!! The kid isn't even 6 and he's already talking brands?!?! (To those of you who do talk brands, I got Max Ecco sandles, ok?!?) I showed Max that his sandles also have little holes in them... and that they breathe, too.

Another crisis averted.

THen, while we were watching Tom & JErry tonight I saw it - the Geox Man! Yep. ALready marketing shoes to the Tom & Jerry crowd. And Max totally got it, too - the breathing and all.

Scary. And at this rate how am I going to keep him away from Product!?!?

A Future Novelist?

Dear Mom
I had a wonderful time in school. Anyway, that is good. k106 ps 174

EX - In law

So I just saw my Ex father in law. It was much easier than I thought it would be. Actually, I had no idea what it would be like... but I wasn't really looking forward to it.

Max said to me earlier "I bet Coach has been thinking about us all day! He's probably so excited to see us!" (He likes to be called "coach" - doesn't want to seem like a "grandfather"...) I didn't want to ruin it for Max - but Coach doesn't think about anybody except himself...

So, the X came by to pick up the kids - they're staying over his place tonight & they were SO CUTE with coach! They just wanted to show him everything! Max pulled out maps of New Zealand, and all the things in the house that we have from NZ and even brought out the video of The Rescuers Down Under explaining that he knows it's Australian - but that the accents are similar. (!!)

My X sil sent over pineapple lumps for me. I lovelovelovelove pineapple lumps!! Especially frozen. Think really good pineaple flavored sort of Charleston Chew. The X strongly encouraged me to open the bag then - meaning I had to SHARE them. Oh the horror! I've hidden the rest, though.

Hey, you'd do the same if you only got your favorite candy once every 2-3 years!

Max's Art work

I have a new scanner - so here it is - the miraculous tree under water. I made the mistake of asking if it was an apartment building....
 

Pandora - Find New Music, Listen to Custom Internet Radio Stations

Pandora - Find New Music, Listen to Custom Internet Radio Stations

Guys - this is great! Try it!

On "Tiny" and haircuts

Phew. Can't believe I made it. It was tense going. We nearly lost Tiny.

Who, you may ask,is Tiny?

Tiny is a raisin sized, ball shaped piece of blue play doh - who my son, Nathan, has befriended. The minute I came in the door tonight I was introduced. "Isn't he cute, Mom? Look, I can drop him down here and not loose him!" (Oh no, I'm thinking - yes you will!)

And, he did.

Actually, Tiny made it all the way 'til about 8:45 pm. JUST as they were about to be tucked in "Where's Tiny?" "We'll look for him tomorrow." "where's Tiny?" "We'll look for him tomorrow!" "I said- WHERE'S TINY?!?!"

OH, the tears, oh the anguish - oh the utter uselessness of looking for a small blue raisin sized piece of play doh in a predominately blue room...

Max couldn't stand hearing the crying & ran out to get more play doh. So, I made another "Tiny" and all was right in the world. (Apparently there's no loyalty to little blue play doh balls.)

So, Tiny was set aside - on a book on the table next to the bed "Where I can see him" Nathan said. Max got up out of his bed to move Tiny away from the edge of the book. "Ummm, Max - Tiny won't move."

Crazy.

But on to the REALLY important stuff: My hair. Ahhh, those of you who have been with me from the beginning were probably wondering what was going on with my haircut saga. Well, let me fill you in. About two or so weeks ago I all of a sudden realzied that my hair was LONG. I called my hairdresser.... and........... VACATION! (Imagine horror show screams in the background!)

So, I"m not able to get it cut 'til May 3rd!! (The Horror!!)

It's so friggin' long I'm about ready to commit hari-kari!

You know, this being a blog and all - well - I just had to share.

My "fake" friends

So this morning I"m walking to the subway & I get to thinking (which does happen on occasion. I try to stop, but...) about my "fake friends." No, no, not the imaginary ones - those are the ones living in my closet - I'm talking about my internet friends.

See, about six years ago I joined an email support group for women who were going to be giving birth to their first child in May '00. The "May Moms." And, here it is nearly May of '06 and most of us are still going strong.

So I guess this morning it just kind of struck me - here we are women from all over & how we've all totally connected. Still. How I know these women as well as I know any of my "real" friends, and how they pretty much know everything about me.

And I thought about how you can be friends with somebody, and feel supported by them - even though you've never "met" them.

And I thought about how we've all been through SO MUCH together, and how our kids are going to be sixfreakingyearsold! (sorry Gwen - stole that from you! I love the merged word thing!)

So, anyhow, just thought about it - and this being a blog and all... well - thought I'd share. :)

Too tired to post

yup.

On Raising Boys

So we go to the dentist today. Meaning, I take the kids to the dentist. They do fine & while I'm talking to the receptionist -- going through insurance stuff & setting up next appointment, they throw each other onto the couch & crack up. Not just laugh, I mean totally crack up.

And it's the kind of stuff that as a parent you know you shouldn't allow - because somebody will get hurt (you'll put an eye out with that thing!) but that just looks like so much fun.... So I half-heartedly tell them to stop. And of course they know it's half-hearted - and they don't.

Finally get them out of there and Max is instantly Red Ranger - and Nathan is Blue Ranger. And they karate chop and ninja stalk each other all the way home.

I somehow get them calmed down watching Tom & Jerry & we get set to read a book before bed. Nathan starts to tell this story about how he hurt his knee (which he did) and how all these "bad guys" were mean to him and kicked him and pushed him. I said that if indeed that did happen - that he should please tell somebody! Either myself, his Dad, sitter, teacher or Max.

Max looked at me "Why me? Because I'm tough?" "Umm, no - because you're such a good big brother." "Well, I am tough. I can kick those bad guys in the butt!" "But you know, sweetie - it's better to be nice than tough." "Yes, but I"m nice AND tough."

End conversation.

So then I'm left thinking about negotiating the whole nice vs tough thing. And if it has to be a vs. And of course he could be both... but how do I explain it.

And as I sat there, head hurting because I was spending so much precious time/energy worrying about this - I told myself to just get a grip. And -

Just wing it.

Thoughts on having ones own country

So it has come to pass that I might, well, maybe, well, could be.... the ruler of my own country.

(Go with me on this, guys. Suspend the disbelief.)

Think about it. What would you do?

Mystic Force!!

So, I'd be willing to bet good money that most of you reading this post know - if not Nothing - then very little about the Power Rangers. Ahh, young readers - I was once like you. But now I have entered the magic world - and I will be unable to leave.

For example, did you know that there are THREE (at least, I'm still researching; so bare (bear?) with me.) different Ranger incarnations?

And didja know (and no - that's not a poke at "ninja!") that there's even a Wikepedia listing?!? I'm still grappling with the fact that there are people who know so much - and invest the time in writing it down - about Power Rangers. And look at that link (because I know your interest is now really piqued & you really want to learn all you can about Power Rangers.

BUT - and maybe you guys have suggestions - I'm having difficulty tracking down the Sensai who is played by the non-SAG actor Guinea Pig. Yep. A pig. Guinea Pig. I can't even find a photo of it to prove that the teacher of all these rangers is a ninja suited guinea pig.... but - it is!

A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall

It's pouring outside. Horrible gross weather. I don't know what's going on - 'cause I had this deal with the BIG GUY that it was only supposed to rain like this and stuff when *I* had the kids. Not on the days that I had "off." Gonna have to check. Somebody's slacking off. Big Guy's not going to be happy.

So, is this deja vu or what (for those of you still with me from Yahoo 360. Are any of you still with me? Have you all dropped off like flies as I flit from blog site to blog site?) but I'm looking for a job. Yep. Another part-time job. The contract for this two day a week job runs out end of June. AND, coincidentaly, the X and I split our moneys end of May. So I'm out there, people.

Not quite panic. At this point kinda a low grade buzzing of anxiety.

I mean, listen - I'm not going to end out on the street or anything. I know that. And once we get the paper work through and get the money to get rid of credit card debt it'll be FINE. But a couple a months (like that?- kinda Brooklynese, ya' think?) of pretty lean living.

AND, truth be known (and we only tell the truth here as you Come on Along [yes, I"ll change it!] 'cause really, what would be the point of not?) (Do you think I use too many parenthetical phrases?) I didn't particularly like that job anyhow.

AND, more truth be known - I"m totally doing this now because I'm too nervous to actually look to see if there ARE any jobs posted. Gotta do it. Ok - jumping into the lake.