Again with the Guilt

This morning Nathan comes out of his room... with a kinda sad, kinda grumpy look on his face. I ask: "What's wrong?" He says: "Is today Daddy's?" "Yes, today is Daddy's."

To which he looks at me and responds: "Why is it all the time Daddy's? Daddy's, Daddy's Daddy's? When is it Mommy's? I want Gwen."

Of course, you know, it was the last three words that were the real knife in the gut.

I know, I know, I know, it's ok, it's normal, it's good. I know that.

But - the segue - from going to the X's, to him wanting his sitter... weill - you know, he double barreled me!

And for those of you who have been "with me" since Max's birth... you know about all the soul searching, mind wracking, and babbling on and on I've done about my issues with work, sitter, staying at home, etc, etc, etc. And I think I've gotten to a good place with that.

But every once in a while....

Thoughts on an "Important Job"

So I started this whole long post - was pretty much done with it - wanted to check one thing... and Poof! Gone! What's THAT all about?! I wonder if I can recreate it.... But you know, all the thought, magic, that... I don't know what - that je ne se qua - that goes into the creation of a post. Can I recreate it? Can I rebuild?

The post was brought on by a comment made by the X. He had the kids one night & called me early the next morning - Could I make Max lunch that day. He had been too busy to go food shopping. When I mentioned that I had been just a wee bit busy myself, he said something about having an Important Job.

I immediately agreed: "Yes, yes, your job is so much more important..."

What?!? YOu're thinking: "Did the pod people come and take over Amy?!?" Actually, I just let it go. I've at least gotten one thing out of my paying my shrink the big bucks - and that's the fact that try as I might, I can't change the X's world view. So, just learn how to deal with it.

So,anyhow, that just got me thinking about the value one puts on ones' job. Like I love being a social worker. Since I started I realized that it is just the job for me. Tailor made. But, notice that I don't write about social work stuff on this blog. And I'm not a member of a social work blogring.

Still, my most important job is the Mom job.

I'm staying at my three day a week job because they appreciate and respect that there. They know I'll do my job & work hard, but they also know and respect that family is very important. And that I'm a single mom.

I've worked at places where it was hell taking off a few hours in the morning... and I'm not going to go through that again.

Then the other thought train that this took me on was the fact how the X does not see it like that. (Yes, I know - read above paragraph re: shrink & changing his world view...)

But it makes me sad - and I'm not really sure who for - that he's so tangentially involved in their lives. He has them for about 9-10 nights a month & when he doesn't have them it's as if they're not there.

And I understand that he really took/takes his role as the primary bread winner seriously. He can't take off days, or leave early... His theory was that if I'm working the crunchy non-profit job, one of us needs to make the money to support us in the lifestyle we've become accustomed to... Whatever.

So, what? Where am I going with this? Is it random babbling, or does it actually have a point? (Does anybody really know what time it is?) Importance is in the eye of the beholder, and the relative worth that job brings to the person? I 'spose.

But DAMN he pissed me off.

End of the Summer

So, here's the thing. Tomorrow is June first. I simply cannot believe that May is almost over and we're getting into June. Time is just going far, far too fast. I hear that we're going into June and I automatically spiral out into: "The Summer is Almost Over!" But of course it's not. But it just feels like time goes so fast that before I know it, the three months I wait so eagerly for all year - will soon be gone. Then it will be Autumn and my kids a grade older... then it will be winter and I'll be a year older, seriously venturing into my 40's...

And have I mentioned that tomorrow is my half birthday? Yes in deedy doo.

Cooperative Village - History

Cooperative Village - History

These are the co-ops where the seniors I work with live.

Saying the Pledge

Max led the kindergarteners and the audience in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. 

Is this why you've all been...

dare I say it... Idol?

"More than 63 million votes were cast, "more than any president in the history of our country has received," Seacrest said."

Ok, so, I don't watch it - so I can't really comment... but I think some people (not me - I have too much to think about already) need to do some serious thinkin' 'bout the next presidential election....

Can you remember.....

Can you remember? Think back, to a time oh, not so long ago.... That's it.... thiiiiinnnkkkk... Maybe it was about a week or so ago - or maybe just a wee bit more... Are you there? Are you with me?
Ok, so we've gotten to that place that was a week or so ago... We all kinda remember where our minds were at that time, right.

SO, what I'm wondering right about now... which would be about two or so weeks from how we all were... oh - two and a half weeks ago...

What I'm wondering is.....Well, without beating around the bush, which is what I suppose I'm kinda doing - but, what I'm wondering is...

WHERE ARE ALL MY COMMENTS?!?

Come on, guys - show me some love!

I thank you very much. :)

What's a little OCD Between Friends?

Ok, so, I'm getting ready for bed & I notice that my favorite baseball cap is not where it usually is. I got this cap on my trip to Pt. Reyes, CA last summer - so not only do I like it - but I have a sentimental attachment to it. I should also note that Max covets it - since it has a dragon fly on it - but I will not let him have it...

SO - the cap is not there. Ok. So, I look around. Not there. Under the bed? Nope. Frantic! Scouring the apartment!

CANNOT FIND THE CAP!!!

Dying, absolutely DYING to call my sitter & ask her if she's seen it...but of course it's much too late to call over something as trivial as this...

And yet... and yet... and yet.... I can't find it and I can't get to sleep!

Ok. Feel better now. I"m sure there will be some sort of explanation for this in the morning.

Field Trip Tribune

Max went on a field trip to see a play - "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie" I don't know if you can see it - but I love the audience shot. 

THe Candy Man Can?

Yeah, well - I haven't posted in a while - so I'm making up for it now. I felt a little crappy over the weekend - plus my sitter was sick -- so that threw everything into a bit of chaos. We're both ok now, though.

SO - I'm noticing this new thing that kids are doing on the subway. It used to be that they would go around selling those boxes of M&M's - for about a dollar - on the subway. THey were ostensibly for school fundraisers. Who knows if they were or weren't - but that was how they were presented & if we wanted to buy, we would buy.

BUT, lately I've seen teenage boys come into the subway cars and say: "Ladies and Gentlemen - excuse me for the interuption but I'm selling this candy. And Ladies and Gentlemen - this isn't for any school - I'm selling this to make money for myself - so that I don't do anything bad and so I can buy more candy. So, if you want to - please buy some candy - or give a donation." (Italics added.)

My first thought: 1) Where did he get the money to buy the candy in the first place? 2) What the fuck?!?

NOw listen - I used to sell stuff on the sidewalk outside my house. I'm not against kids selling stuff to make extra spending money. And MAYBE one could argue that for urban kids the subway is their front yard? (It would be a tough argument, but...) BUT - when I did that I was about 10 YEARS OLD - and COULD NOT work and I didn't ask for "donations" and I didn't use veiled threats, either.

If they even just LIED and said they were selling the candy for their school... well... I could deal with that. I have dealt with it. This just pisses me off.

These are young, seemingly able-bodied, English speaking kids. There is no reason on earth that they should be doing this. They're not saying they're homelss, they're not saying they are sick - all they're saying is give me money. Really.

And please - don't tell me there are no jobs to be had. These kids can't be raking in the big bucks doing this - there ARE jobs that would pay more than this - I know. So I just don't get it? This is more fun? Glamorous?

Is there some sort of candy money laundering thing I don't know about and these kids actually rake in hundreds of dollars per M&M box they sell!?! Did I miss that ad on Craigs list?

When Worlds Collide

THis morning I experienced the convergence of two worlds. My boyfriend (like how I always put that in italics? Oh, you didn't notice? Well, you will now.) was going to be right up the street this morning & I just felt... well... it's just strange not to have some sort of acknowledgement of that.

Plus, I wanted to give the poor guy some coffee (even though just decaf) - since he's doing this massive, horrendous commute.

SO ANYHOW, (do I say that in all my postings? I"m going to have to go back & check.) I invited him to come up and I'd give him a cuppa to go.

So, I told the kids that my friend was going to stop by & I was going to give him a cup of coffee - and he did. And I can't even describe how it was. (So why am I writing about it, you ask, if I can't describe it? I'll tell you - I don't know. But here in our little village of Annetevka... Sorry. Living in my own private joke world.) I guess I"m writing about it to help sort it out in my own mind.

You know, the two worlds had always been so separate - and so purposefully separate. Ever since I started dating a year or so ago -- I'd never talk to guys when the kids were up, only go out when they're w/the X, etc, etc... two separate worlds.

But this morning, here they all were - all in the same room. Annnnddddd...... It was ok. It was fine. It was normal. No great thunder crashes, or earth trembling...

It was totally cool.

Got nothing to say

So, I'm starting this post with absolutely no theme in mind. No premise. No thought. Not even a germ. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

So.... nice weather we're having, huh?

Oh - here's a thought. I'm supposed to do the AIDS Walk on Sunday. But.... it might rain. The money I've raised, including some that I am donating myself, will go directly to AWNY - if I walk or not. Soooooo am I really bad if I don't.

Rhetorical question, by the way. I don't want to know if you think I'm bad if I don't walk. Just keep it to yourself. "That Amy, she's a baaaaddd person - comitting to something and not following through... I hope it's not indicative of other aspects of her life."

It's not. It's not! I promise!!! It's just that.... well.... it being on a Sunday morning...and it being early on a Sunday morning... Well... and rain is wet... You know.

Maybe I should quit while I"m ahead.

One Angry Black Bitch

One Angry Black Bitch

Thanks for the recommendation, Gwen. I really like it. THis sounds cliche - but it's honest & real.

Blogging Moms

So I'm starting to find all these momblogs: Dotmoms, etc. I found one: Bloggermommies -that I thought sounded interesting & was going to sign up until I read the requirements.

Huh?

No negativity? Complaining? Hostility? Whining?

Sorry. Can't do that. And I think, quite honestly, I'd be afraid to read the blogs of the mothers who COULD.

Great, just great

Yes, I know this isnt' a good photo -- but for some reason I kinda like it.... ANyhow - Max's actual birthday is Wednesday & I sent his teacher a note if I send in anything. She said yes, and looking forward to seeing you then: Wed at 1:10 pm.

Work?

So, I've been tossing around the idea of calling in sick - but I hate doing that. I was off last Thurs for this other job, and left early last week to take Max to the Dentist...

So, finally decided NOT to go to the party when this morning Max says: "Mom, are you coming into my school Wednesday - for my birthday - like Andrea's Mom did?" (Sword meet my heart.) Then he says: "I had a dream last night that I was at school and I was going to the bathroom with my friend Michael - and I came back to the classroom and you were there."

What? Could you stab me again, please?

So - I'm at a loss. Do I tell them and then only work 'til about 11:45am? DOes that make sense? Do I take another (legal) day? Do I call in sick? Do I not go to Max's school?

I hate this shit. 

Love this shot. These kids are all such characters! 

STRIKE!

I don't even know if he got a strike, but his pure pride in himself... well, hey - everybody should be their own cheerleader, right? 

Some Thoughts on Sharing

So, could somebody please explain this whole sharing thing to me? I mean, I feel like I'm pretty well socialized - you know make and keep friends, play well with others.... but I just don't know the rules.

Like, if one kid is playing with something - intently involved in it & another comes over & wants to take one of the pieces to play with - why should he be able to? I'd be like: "Go find something else to do."

But I feel like I'm in the minority.

And now Max got all this stuff for his birthday. (Ok, not tons of stuff - because we didn't have a huge party, but) and Nathan wants to play with it, too. Especially the Power Rangers. (Which goes back to that post on Gwen's Blog & the fact that Max got a Weather Station, some great books, an Ice Maker [more about that later] and Polar Animals... but he was all about the Power Rangers.)

He got about 6 of them & of course can't play with ALL OF THEM at once, but... and Nathan wants to play with one. Logic would say: Let the kid play with one, and Max has the other five... BUT, they're his new special toy....

Oy, the battles. Which weren't helped by the fact that some people (umm, my parents) wanted Max to share, while I was telling Nathan to look elsewhere.

All in all, a good party. Waiting for the photos to upload before I post about that.

Losing It

THis morning I asked my sitter to come a bit later. I didn't have to be at the job until 10; so figured I could take Max to the bus. We're getting ready but cannot find his shoe. Nope. Can't find it.

So I tell him he has to wear his sneakers. You would've thought I was telling him he had to wear foot clamps! We looked all over. I looked in the garbage, in my closet, in my dresser drawer - could NOT find that shoe.

So, finally after much anguish, tears, frustration and yelling - he puts on his sneakers and we get ready to go. Gwen (my sitter) comes in & as we're walking out the door we tell her about the trauma. The door shuts. She opens it: "I've found the shoe!"

Huh?

Where was it?

"It was in the middle of your room."

Huh?

Ok. Where's the other shoe?

Where you left it.

And the lost shoe was where!?!?

Sitting there. On the floor. In the middle of your room.

Thoughts on a First Filling

Today I took Max to the dentist for his first filling. Now, one thing you have to know about Max is he has little or no fear. He's a worrier, but has no fear. Meaning, I guess, he thinks about stuff... but when it comes to adventure, or the possibilty of pain... nope.

Also, these visits - doctor, dentist, whatever - are social visits. He has chats with all the people there, talks about stuff going on, whatever. He's totally relaxed.

So, at the last appointment I asked the dentist if they put the kids out, or what. He looked at me and said "DO NOT TELL HIM A THING! DO NOT call it a shot! DO NOT tell him anything!" Ok, ok, phew! My usual modus operandi (how often do you get to use THAT expression?!) is to prep my kids. Tell them exactly what to expect -- but I fugured this guy is a pediatric dentist.... so.....

So, we go in & Max is all "dum, de, dum... I'm at the dentist." And I'm all: "yikes, look at that tool, wonder what that's for! Look at that big needle!" (To myself!)

THe dentist comes in, Max puts on his shades (they give the kids sunglasses because of the overhead light) and they're ready. The dentist puts the initial numbing stuff on, and then tells Max he's going to feel a "tightness" and that his tooth will feel funny. I say nothing. He gets out the needle. I say nothing. He pokes Max. NOthing. He pokes again. Max: "ow!" I'm poised. Ready to pounce. But I'm looking at Max and he's still really totally relaxed. I don't see his feet moving, his hands clenching.... so I relax.

He gets the shots, they put this rubber sheet thingy around his mouth - that I've had before. That I HATE. But Max seems fine. Ok, well, he's fine... but MAN, I do so hate that rubber sheety thingy.... How could he not hate it? Isn't he miserable?!? Why is he ok?!?

So, they do it. I watch the drill going in, I see the tooth bleeding, and I see my son sitting there, totally calm, relaxed, and at one with the world.

So, the dentist finishes & then he starts to look at Max's loose tooth in the front. (This is a looose baby tooth that needed to come out - was sticking out in a funny way...) Now, it had been MY understanding that if this tooth did not fall out of it's own accord the dentist would take it out at the LAST tooth filling. Not the first. He gets some BIG plyers, and starts moving the tooth around. Max reacts: "OUCH THAT HURTS!" I am up. Out of the seat. Max is starting to squirm and is yelling. I"m about to belt the dentist & the tooth is out.

Max is fine. Wants to look at the bloody gauze, and it's SO COOL that the tooth has a really long root. And oh, the rubber sheety thingy - is SO COMFOTABLE. It's almost as comfortable as Squishy Pillow. (THe ultimate in comfort.)

So, what did I learn from this? 1) That my child is an absolutely separate person from me. 2) Gotta be quicker with my right hook.