So sad...

I've mentioned before - either in this blog or in my old one - about a woman who lives in my building. She is a single mom and has a daughter the same age as Max. This woman has no boundaries. She says horribly innappropriate things. All the time.

Lately we've been on the same morning schedule. We all bump into each other in the elevator. For some reason I have offended her & she has been pointedly ignoring me. Which is fine. Except that a few weeks ago it kinda freaked out my kids as I was YELLING to get her to answer a question as to whether the bus has come or not. Imagine: She is about 10 feet away from me. I am asking her a question. SHe does not answer. I should have left it alone, simply because my kids were there -- but I didn't want to have to walk to the bus if I didn't have to... so I was just asking if it had already come... and she ignored me. Absolutely and totally.

At the bus stop all the kids play together. Tag. Hide and Seek. Except for her daughter. She keeps her close to her. THe other day, it was raining & she just said "The other kids will get sick, you stay with me under the umbrella..." the little girl looks out at the other kids & just watches them all have fun.

One time X brought the kids to the bus stop & he called me. He could not believe this woman. She came up to him: "I hear you're getting remarried. YOur old marriage was so bad you have to get married again so quickly?" He responded that his other marriage was not SO bad & that we have been apart about 4 years... He was freaked out. He quickly moved away from her.

Other times, when she used to talk to me, she would express how worried she was that she would lose her job - because she had to bring her daughter to the bus stop. And how horrible it would be if she lost her job. And how horribly difficult it is to get ready in the morning & get herself out to work. ALl on her own. (And yes, oh how I want to say: "but you only have ONE! I have TWO! And somehow I manage.." but I know that would not really help at all.) But imagine her daughter being there? Hearing all this? Hearing what a horrible burden she is, and how her mother might lose her job - because of her?

This morning I, again, bumped into them on the elevator. The kids were with X so I was by myself. I smiled. Mentioned again how we're on the same schedule. She starts muttering... "It's so hard. So hard being a single mom. YOu know how it is. He's so awful. I'd take him to court but it would stress me out so much I'd get a heart attack. I don't want to get a heart attack. YOu're lucky - you have it so good! Can you imagine, her father didn't call her for Valentines Day! What sort of father is that?"

I look over at the girl... my heart breaking that she has to hear all this... "But you had a good day anyhow, didn't you?" I say. Her mother responds: "Of course she did! I'm a good mother!"

But... um... she's not. I've been thinking about this all morning. I think about it a lot, actually. Because if you see physical abuse there is something you can do - somebody to call... but really. What can I do here. This is abuse. The way she is in front of this girl. The things she shares with her.

That poor girl. It just breaks my heart.

Nathan to me as we are standing wedged in the corner of a crowded train from Manhattan to Forest Hills: (Apropos, I must add - to absolutely nothing)

"Mom. I don't think the Pacifier Fairy took my pacifiers. I think you did. I think you took them and threw them out!"

To which I respond that I most certainly did NOT.

Max: Mom! You're smiling! That means you're lying!! And what about the Tooth Fairy! I know that's you! Tell me! How come you have all the teeth if you're not the tooth fairy?!?

How do people do this? How do you keep up the pretense? I'm, like, smiling from ear to ear now - trying to keep from laughing. I put on my mad face: "This is NOT the place to talk about this now! Let's talk about it later!" In the hopes that they will forget.

They did.

Great moments in parenting.

(And why is spell check not working?)

Just stuff...

So I was talking to X, asking him about his summer plans - so I could figure out the boys' camp schedule & I said "My mom told me that [your fiance] said that you guys are getting married end of August, right?" To which X replies.... "Well, nothing is concrete yet." Huh? So your fiance spent most of Nathan's party talking about this wedding... mentioned inviting us, your family & "nothing is concrete yet?" I didn't say that. I DID say: "Oh. Well. Ok. This is your thing." Oh my. That poor woman.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I have political arguments with my son. Max is very pro-Obama. And while I'm not against him, I just feel a bit more comfortable with Hilary. I feel like she's just been around a bit more - but I would most definitely be very very happy with Obama as our President.. When I ask Max why he wants Obama he says: "Well, I feel that Hilary will just be a copy of Bill. She won't have her own ideas." (I asked X if he's said this & he claims that he hasn't.) Today I said to Max: "Ok, you have only given me anti-Hilary reasons. Give me a Pro-Obama reason. Why should you/I vote for him - not why NOT TO vote for Hilary." And he said "Well, it would be cool to have the first African American president. And he seems like a nice guy."

You know - not such bad reasons.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The boys told me that their old sitter - the Brazilian one - watched them when they went to the bathroom. They told me this morning. Stopped me dead in my tracks. Apparently she would, on occasion, open the bathroom door when they were in there & tease them. I don't think it happened a lot. But enough. Enough for them to say to me that she did this. Enough for them to feel like that is what she WAS doing, even if it was innocently to check to make sure they were ok. I asked if she ever touched their privates - they said no. I (oh so VERY firmly) told them that if this EVER happens again with ANYBODY that they were to tell me - because how could I help them if I don't know.

Oy.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I'm starting Nutri-System. Again. You know, I lost all this weight over the summer... but the stress started in Sept - and now I'm the heaviest I think I've ever been - (barring pregnancy.) It's scary. I don't know if it's this age thing, or what - but I'm finding it really difficult to lose. Or even not to gain! I started with Weight Watchers.. but you know - I need more structure. Nutri-System was so good because not only does it give you the exact meals. but it has a check list for breakfast/lunch/dinner & two snacks. So you know exactly what to eat. When. I need it like that. I have too many other things on my mind... this has to be easy. So, I should get the box o'food sometime within the next week or so... I'll keep ya' posted.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

All About Superheroes

Sorry to overwhelm you guys with this.... it's just that he's been talking about this "Chapter Book" that he's been writing at school and I hadn't seen it yet. I never knew he had this sort of humor!! It's a riot! He actually told me he wants to be an author, he's enjoying writing this so much -- and apparently his classmates wait eagerly for each new installment!!

From our last adventure we saw weird people. But now we have a weird enemy. We don't no his name yet so you will have to read the story.

Well back to Robert and his store Westine fired herself because she didn't have enough chips but she will find another job. Robert was in his store lieing down.... Then a strange guy said "Wa ha! ha! ha!! I am professor weirdo fear me" Robert laughed then he got pushed out of nowhere it was Tommy and Matthew!

Well Tommy wasn't fat anymore well from our last adventure he was well we shouldn't tell you about it because you will cry with laughter well back to the mission. Tommy said this that really annoyed Matthew "I am a super boy" but then Matthew said this: "We are not super hero's ok OK!" Now really really back to the mission!

Well remember David Z shnack he came back from light saber school and said this "The force is kind of what! ga! ga!" he slipped on a banana peal like that was any help. Well back to light saber wa! ga! ga! now I slipped on a banana peal. Professor weirdo has a plan to wa! ga! ga! Why does everybody say that whoever made this story should not do that. Wa! ga! ga! Wa! ga! ga! Stop writing that word.

Well your messing with the wrong Robert because Robert no's kung-fu and choped professor weirdo's arm off and the gang and he saves the day.

The end.

Wait one minute mister Tommy and Matthew are supposed to save the day wait don't stop reading Nooooooooooo!

Well after Robert chopped Professor weirdo's arm off he broke his arm to because his arm was made of steel but he still broke Professor Weirdo's arm. Wa! ga! ga! Security! Get this banana peal... howly cow! Get the tenmillion bannana peals out of hear!

haaaa Tommy look a mouse in a cape? Well Professor Weirdo wasn't looking for Robert he was looking for this mouse superhero.

To be continued...

Fat Brothers Chapter 2

(I told you there'd be more!) (I don't know where he got this Fat Stuff...although I have an inkling of an idea. It's a bit distressing.. but I have to say this is pretty funny!)

One day Tommy was walking by C.V.S. he saw chips guess what he did...

He did a robery!!! Robert the manager and his wife Westine chased after Tommy. Kartikay a young boy said to tommy "what's the matter with you"

Tommy just ignored it then Kartikay and Robert said "just let him have the chips we already have many more."

Matthew said "what's the matter." Robert said this "your brother stole the chips in my store." In a loud voice. They just went home.

Not again! When Tommy ate the chips he turned fat again! Ah!

You fataball stop reading my story! This goes to you mom. just kidding. go on!

The Fat Brothers

Chapter one of Max's Fat Brothers Story. More to Follow.(Transcribed exactly as written.)

"One day there were two brothers named Matthew and Tommy. Matthew wasso inteligent that he skiped from first grade to college! Tommy was lazy and ate 30 bags of cheetos! That's how he was the fatest. And he didn't no anything.
A year passed now Matthew wasn't fat he was very skiny and he pasedcollege at age four!!!!! you would think he graduated college at agetwenty one well he didn't so here comes the exciting part so listenup! Tommy will soon learn that being fat is bad and it's a big problem! Matthew's two best friend's Max and Kevin push Tommy and he starts rolling in the street!
And then!.... "A car will smack into tommy what will I do?" I can't think I know I"m very smart but I just can't!! But then horray! he's not fat when the car smacked him he wasn't fat. Life is better when your not fat.

Jewish Law - Articles ("The Right to Die: A Halachic Approach")

Jewish Law - Articles ("The Right to Die: A Halachic Approach")

I have a client with no family. Who might be destined to spend the rest of his life with a tracheostomy and a collar. Unable to talk. Attached to a bed. His Power of Attorney (friend) will probably go talk to a rabbi to see what sort of decision to make (even though the client himself is not really religious...) so I looked up what Jewish Law says about The Right To Die.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

But I was.

GET HEALTH CARE PROXIES, PEOPLE! I cannot emphazise enough! Living Wills are not as good as proxies. If you have strong feelings about what you want - either being kept alive by any means necessary, or "pulling the plug" this needs to be IN WRITING. A proxy does not need to be done with an attorney - just two witnesses. You can get them on line.

Do it - I'm going to.

You just never REALLY know yourself, do you?

Today is Nathan's 6th birthday. We celebrated it with a bowling party on Saturday and a small family party at my parents' house on Sunday. The bowling party was nice. There were about eight boys and their parents, our old sitter, plus the new(ish) 16 year old and her siblings. Plus X and his fiance. And J and his daughter. And my parents.

Nathan wore his black velvet blazer, that I got for TEN DOLLARS at Gymboree. (I had no idea if he'd wear it, but figured... $10? Why not? Now he wears it with black jeans and a navy turtleneck. We just need to get him some bling!)

And speaking of bling.... X's fiance was wearing her new engagement ring.

Siiiggghhh....

I feel that I need to preface this with: The following is not pretty. It sounds petty. It sounds gossipy. It just doesn't feel like who I am. I am not a materialistic person. I like jewelry, but honestly don't really wear that much. What I do have I just keep on all the time. I don't switch around. I put it on and just sleep with it on. MOther's day bracelet from the boys, necklace of two boys from my parents, A&J necklace from J & birthday present earrings from J. That's it.

When X Iand I got engaged we bought my ring at the flea market. It was a single pearl. He was new to the US, he was young, he had no money... and I did not care. It was what it stood for. The commitment. The love.

So X's fiance was wearing her new ring. I didn't really look, but what I saw looked beautiful. And big. My mom whispers in my ear: "Did you see her ring?" I told my mom: "Stop!"

But the cavalcade of feelings that rushed through me nearly knocked me off my feet....

He claims he has no money for the boys, and buys this?! When we got engaged he had no money and didn't try to get around it - just got me what he could afford. Either he loves her that much more than he loved me, or he has more and is just trying not to help. And what does that mean to me that he loves her now more than he loved me then? We are all different people. Maybe he does. I love J more than I loved him. But, but, look what he got her? How can he claim poverty? Does he love her more than he loves the boys?

And then:

What kind of person are you?

It was not so much jealousy that she got a ring and I haven't (from J). Not at all. And it wasn't feelings of "wow, now it's really over. He loves somebody else." It was more the shock of seeing that he spent money on her and he hasn't ever on anybody else. Not me. Not his kids. Money is so important to him... that I guess it has become his expression of love.

Well... so maybe that is jealousy.

J saw that I was upset. I told him. We go back to party stuff. Mingling. Then he comes back over. "I got the scoop on the ring! They bought it duty free in Puerto Rico & the quality is so bad... no way he spent more than $150."

And I felt better.

I keep trying to tell myself that I'm only human. That divorce, re-marriage, etc, etc, etc opens up new sets of feelings and things that you never thought you'd be exposed to... But I really feel so awful having those feelings... and seeing them in print is not any better. But there you go.

And, I also found out that we're going to be invited to their wedding. End of August. In Puerto Rico...

And, she's so sweet. I so want to warn her. To talk to her. And don't all chime in, I know I can't. (Maybe an anonymous letter?)

ETA - Yes, I know, most people write posts about their birthday child... but well, you guys know I love him. He's a great kid. Glad I had him - it was worth all that pushing and labor pains. Plays well with others. Doesn't inconvenience me too much. Does his homework. Works the farm. Pulls his own weight. Eats all he's supposed to. Loves his mom. Minds his P's and Q's. Eats an apple a day. Speaks when spoken to (Ha!). Keeps his messes to a minimum (double ha!).

A photo of the boys and their NZ Cuzzies. My ex-sister in law did some PhotoMagic and inserted the kids! I think it's so cool! You can actually see some family resemblance!
They've never really met each other... Max met the two older ones (in the back) when he was about 13 months old.

It's (almost) all good.

Well I can't say EVERYTHING is all good, can I?!

So, for the past few months I've been feeling... I don't know... self-conscious about my boys. They're too loud. They're too rambunctious. They don't listen. They're too aggressive. They don't sit still.... etc, etc, etc. I had been talking to my mom about why my parents don't take them so much and she said "well, we sometimes find them a little overwhelming..." and I was talking to J about them and he said "well, at times they're a little overwhelming..." and he also said his older daughter seems to find them a little ... say it with me... "overwhelming."

So ok. I guess at times they are.

But, on their behalf - my parents want my boys to be a certain way. They want to bring them to shows, and ballet performances, to sit on the couch and read with them... and well... the boys will like that for maybe 20 minutes... but then that would be enough.

And J - well, yes, he IS a boy... but he has girls. And all the kids in his family are girls. And his daughter has pretty much only seen my boys in small situations. Meaning, when they're in small spaces.. J's apartment, restaurants... two dynamos in a small space.. well sure: overwhelming.

They're loud. They like to light saber battle. They tease each other. They poke each other. They whine.

It culminated a few weeks ago with Max kicking Nathan in the eye. It was ok.. but we were a bit worried for a while.

So I started to feel self conscious about them. Hyper aware of their behavior. Also, I noticed that if they did something wrong one would say to the other "I'm going to tell Dad!" Dad!! Why not me?!? So I began to think that maybe I'm not strong enough. (Ok, I know I'm not.) I'm a push over. I'm willing to give second and even third chances....

I said to myself: BE STRONGER.

I mentioned this to my shrink. She said "well, maybe they say that because they feel safe with you, and they are so worried about how X will react... how he is with them.. that they don't want him to know." Yeah. Fine. Feeling safe is all very well and good... when you're raising heathens.

But then we got the new sitter. And you know what? They've been calmer. No joke. It was the same thing after we got the first -- the 16 year old. I would come home and there would just be this calm vibe in the house. And it's like that now. Again. Wow. Was that sitter SO unsettling to all of us?

And you know what else? Max said to me the other night "Mom, I'm nervous. I'm really nervous. I didn't bring home my homework for a few days and I'm afraid I'm going to get zeros on my report card. And I've been talking in class." So I said to him that only HE could fix it. That he could bring his books home and do the homework... and HE could stop talking. That I couldn't be the one to do anything... HE could.. but that it could probably be fixed before report cards came out. I wasn't mad, I just told him that if he's so worried.. that there was something he could do to fix the worry.

And he did it. He brought home all his books. He did all the extra homework. Plus he wrote an amazing book report (on the Beatles!!) in one night. Usually I have to push him.. but he motivated himself and did an amazing job.

And I thought...

Ok. It's ok that they feel safe with me. 'Cause you know what? He told me that he was scared. He told me what he had done wrong. What if he had been too afraid of my reaction and hadn't told me? At the risk of being overdramatic... it could have started a downward spiral that ends with reform school! (Do they still have reform schools? And yes, I know, very overdramatic... but you know what I mean.) And it gave me the opportunity to talk to him about it, and it gave him the opportunity to fix it and feel better. (He actually pumped his fist in the air and yelled "touchdown!")

And Nathan just got his first kindergarten report card. He pretty much got all threes (goes from one to four) and his teacher wrote that he's progressing nicely in all areas and (I love this part!) "Keep up the good work that you do with him at home. It shows!" It shows!

Can you see my ear to ear grin?

Siiigghhh... so I'm trying. I'm really trying to tell myself that I'm not a perfect parent. That maybe I'm not the best disciplinarian.. that maybe my kids do get a bit out of control at times... but I'm pretty ok at some things. And maybe that has to just be enough.

Who's Been Sleeping in my bed?

Every morning when I wake up I have to orient myself. Where am I? Am I at my house? J's house? Sometimes: At my parents' house? Then, who is in the bed with me? J? Max? Nathan? (Ok, Yes! They start off in their beds and end up in mine! I have many many mixed feelings about that & I'm trying to stop it & have them go back into their own beds... but well... it's kinda nice... ) Then, where are the kids? My place? X's place? Is J's daughter here? At his place? At her mom's place? Oy. Honestly, it's not easy. And sometimes there's a bit of panic. "Where are the kids? Why are they not here?" What day is it?" Back and forth, here and there, my place, J's place, my place, X's place.... I'm a little dizzy.

And did I mention that I bought a new overnight bag?

Yeah. I feel a little here and there and higgledy piggledy lately. And I'm kinda sorta starting to think that it's time for J and I to live together. (Ok. Truth. I've probably thought this for.. oh... the past 6 months, but this is the first time I've put it to paper.) And does J know this, you might ask? Well... I hinted. I eased my way into it. I oh so delicately asked: "SO! When are we going to move in together?" (You guys are impressed with my finesse, right?)

And we will. I know it. But I also know that I split with X before J split with his wife... and I know that he needs the time to set up his own space with his girls... and adjust. I know it. I totally know it. But don't you just hate how that logic part just keeps nudging away that inside part? The part that gets your mind stirring? That takes you to deep dark places? That makes you think It's Never Going to Happen, all is doomed, doomed, doomed? (And you tell me that stuff NEVER happens to you!)

Ugh. So, like the true schizophrenic that I am, the two Me's do battle. I want us living together. Yesterday. But I know he needs more time. The thing is, it's making me a wee bit edgy. I mean, you try to live with two you's doing battle inside your head! It would probably make you a little edgy, too! It's a challenge for the insecure me not to feel rejected. And it's a pleasure for the mature, logical me to feel so calm, cool and and understanding.

My shrink is all "You have your needs and it's important to not forget those" which I kinda did for ohhh... about seven years. And so I try to express them to J. And he knows. And I know he knows. But Gah! This whole relationship thing! Negotiating two peoples' needs! What's THAT all about?!? Me! Me!

Now I'm off to go sing the Aikin Drum song.

More of the same....

I know, I know - it wouldn't be a week without a posting about X's annoyances.... I do feel a bit repetitive with these posts... but for some reason it's therapeutic for me to get it out. Maybe to have witnesses? Validation? To vent? I don't know. I haven't hyper-analyzed myself enough about that. Give it time. I'll find out.

BUT - X called yesterday. He can't take the kids tonight. He's going on a business trip (Chicago!) and needs to prep. Also, he's anxious about his job (ie thinks he might lose it. Wait. How many jobs has he lost? That's right, I've lost count, too...) so really wants to be ready for it.

J and I have tickets for a show tonight. I haven't seen J in a week. I say to X - can't your fiance pick them up? He says no. That it's "not her responsibility." Huh? Ummm... aren't you marrying her? But no. It's not her responsibility. So then I say... "well, I'm sure if you don't go the 'responsibility' route & just ask her to do you a favor this once..." Nope. "How about asking if she'd do ME a favor?!?" Nope.

So I guess the crux of this is... as usual - he just doesn't get it. He doesn't get what being a parent is. He can (and does) love them... but sometimes it's not convenient.. and you STILL have to deal with them. And he has two people - two grownups - at his place. But it's still his job, his responsibility, his right and his privilege to see them once a week -- and if something gets in the way of that - he will let that take priority. NOT his kids and their need to see him. And NOT his job as a parent.

And you know what else? Pretty much every week he tries to get out of seeing them. Last week - he was really anxious about the job thing... felt that he couldn't handle having them. I told him we had plans (we didn't) and he took them. THe week before.. it was something... but I made him take them. So every week we really don't know from one day to the next if he's going to take them or not. Don't even know why I bother. I should just go back to him just having them every other weekend.... a little less stress in my life. (But of course, the kids like to see him...)

My sister will watch the kids tonight when we go see the show....

Ok, Ok

(Ok, G4! I got it! :)) I spoke to the reference yesterday. I told her. I said that I had only had the sitter for a month. That a big problem was that I was too involved in the sitter's personal life.. it was too much for me. I didn't establish appropriate boundaries from the start.

I said that she made me uncomfortable. That there was nothing concrete, as she had been a perfectly fine sitter... always on time, warm, loving... but that I always felt these red flags. That she made me uncomfortable. (I said that already, right?) I said maybe because I knew so much about her life... that those feelings made me anxious about her day to day job.. but that there was nothing concrete.

When the woman commented how the sitter seemed so talented in so many things... I said yes, but that was something else that made me uncomfortable.... (again!) it just didn't' seem believable....

I told the woman that I pretty much fired her. I told her that the combination of these uncomfortable (!! time for a new word choice?) feelings about her, plus her involving me so much in her personal life... I did not feel comfortable (not quite the same, right?) with her.

And you know what. The woman did not hear. She was enamoured of her. At least it didn't' seem as if she did. Sitter tried to phone me two times last night, but didn't leave a message & was too busy to pick up.

So I gave a totally honest reference. I said I felt she was kind, honest, warn, genuine, helpful and sincere - that she had never done anything "wrong" (except for the Max jacket incident.. but I figured that was one time so I didn't mention it...) but that she was too much for me. That she left me feeling ... well... not quite comfortable. (should I invest in a thesaurus?) And I had to find somebody else. I did not "diagnose" the sitter - saying that I felt she had judgement issues, boundary issues, was immature.. BUT I gave the mother the information to made that diagnosis herself... if she chose.

I'm not so sure she chose. But I did what I had to do.

Waving at girls costs man his arm | Oddly Enough | Reuters.com

Waving at girls costs man his arm Oddly Enough Reuters.com

Bet his mom told him a million times that that would happen.....

Sitter Stuff

So my new sitter is (dare I say it? Dare I jinx it?!?) Amazing. She has it all together. She is kind with the kids and yet doesn't let them walk all over her. She knows what's what. Plus she's smart and sweet. (Ok, I came home and she had eaten the last piece of bread and I had nothing to make the boys lunch with.... but they ate crackers and I got more bread...)

Old sitter (the 16 year old) trained her. She's still in the picture, helping out when needed. That has worked out really well, since she lives in the neighborhood and has the same school schedule as the boys. Plus she likes to be with them and they like to be with her. We've even invited her & her brother & sister to Nathan's birthday party. All's good with that.

The one I just fired... well.... Oy. She IM's me nearly every day. She was going to go to Hawaii for a (babysitting!!) job but was dissuaded because the mother who was going to hire her is a pot smoking, Ecstasy using, Passion Party throwing stripper - who told her within 2 hours of knowing her that she thinks her mother is Satan and that she was raped as a child. And not that there's anything WRONG with each of those things in and of themselves... but thrown together. In Hawaii. Far away. Hmmm.... let's think here for a second...

She kept asking me if she should go.. and I gave her questions to ask them (and herself) until finally she told me that she had decided to go. I told her that she should talk to her FRIENDS about it. (Maybe I'm too old to give this sort of advice? I've lost that "adventure" edge? I'm too careful?) They told her no. She's not going.

But here's the thing that's on my mind. She went for a job interview here in NYC the other day. Two kids: 8 & 13. The mother called last night for a reference & I haven't called her back yet. I'm really starting to think that it's more than just my experience with her.. that maybe she doesn't really have the good judgement to watch kids? But maybe because these kids are older it'll be ok?

One (cold) weekend, in December when I picked the kids up at X's I noticed Max wasn't wearing his winter jacket. Just a sweatshirt. When sitter brought them to meet X on Friday they couldn't find his winter jacket right away, they were running late - so left without it. Left. Without. It. In December. My apartment is not that big...the jacket was there. Somewhere. (Actually, when I came back it was right there on the floor of his room...)

I said to sitter: "Why did you let him go - a WHOLE WEEKEND - without his jacket...? YOU are the 'boss'. YOU are responsible."

That was, honestly, the only instance where I really had a problem with her judgement (related to my kids!). And I'm thinking that with this family.. if the kids are older... it'll be ok... Right?

Shit. I've never given a bad reference.. but I'm just not sure I can whole heartedly recommend her.. now that I know so much more about her judgement...

Thoughts? Am I being too harsh because I know too much of her outside life? Should I just focus on how she was within the confines of just being my sitter? Do I tell about the jacket issue? I feel like I have more of an allegiance to a fellow mother... but again... I've never given a bad reference... her kids are older...

Going round in circles now. Maybe I'll figure it out in the shower.

2007: A Year for DRAMA

Wow. Made me realize how few of these I've seen...

Fall is Just Something that Grownups Invented

Ok. So Maybe I'm Torturing Myself...

I found this whole box labeled: "Cards, faxes, emails" and opened it up. Found this whole part of cards from X. From when we were dating. I wish I could really express what sort of feelings this brings up in me. It's kind of a combination of numbness, remembering, sadness - but not a sadness that we're no longer together.. more of like a nostalgic sadness... like where did that time go?

A smattering of the cards. The first one: kinda telling. "I admire the way in which you have made an effort to eat salads and walk home - over the past few weeks your discipline has been excellent. The results of course have been the attractive body that will be accompanying me to the Bar Mitzvah. You look absolutely stunning in that outfit and I will most proud to be with you. (As always.) Keep it up, sexy."

You know. I feel like 90% of my relationship with him was about how I looked. It's so sick. He was NOT always most proud to be with me. He once told me he didn't want to go into a pizza shop because he didn't want the cute girl there to see him with me. (I must've told this story about 30 million times. I will never ever forget it.)

So ok. So I guess another emotion that these cards are bringing up is the anger. The sadness. The disbelief that he did love me. I know he did. He's just... well... ill, I guess. He would buy me cards & tape them to my front door - before we lived together.

A Valentine's Card: "Well it's not the kind of valentines day you would find in a Hollywood movie. However the card tells the story. I love you very very much. I apologize for sometimes taking you for granted. Maybe the excuse that "I'm going through a difficult time" is starting to wear a little thin. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this evening. Your boyfriend..." Can you imagine? He was sending me this when we were dating. Hello?!? Red flag?!? Taking me for granted and we were probably dating just about a year at that point!

Ok. Last one. I promise. "6 wonderful months that have gone by so quickly. Who knows how many more months there will be. Maybe many?! Or more than many?! Maybe years?! Lots of love..."

Gah! Is this good to do this? Therapeutic? Or is it warped? Masochistic?! I keep trying to find some sort of feeling.. and I don't really know what. I think the love. And it makes me sad that I can't. But I do know that it's definitely time to stop.

What I do on quiet weekends

Wait. I don't really ever have any quiet weekends...

The kids are with X this weekend and J is on a business trip in CA. So I'm by myself. Of course I could find people to do things with... but I have to say, I've been looking forward to this for a while. Solitude. Time in my apartment to get it a bit in shape. To clean. To veg. To watch "How to Look Good Naked." (It was my first time watching it... not really quite sure yet how I feel about it....)

So I went to Staples and bought some stuff to start filing things for 2008. And I started cleaning. And moving. And organizing. And I don't know about you, but for me that means lots of time spent sitting on the floor, surrounded by dust bunnies, going through memories. And I'm not such a big believer in throwing stuff out... so believe you- me - there's lots of stuff to go through.

Found the letter from the guy who was a Director at one of the places I worked. I was about 28, he was ... oh... maybe 50? Or near enough. And we sucked face. And I kept saying "But you're a Director!" He crashed at my place (on the couch - I was in my room, in my bed, thank you very much!) and had to go to the Gap the next morning to pick up a new shirt. Ahhh... memories.

Came across my old cowboy boots. They're ruined by the rain. I've brought them to three different shoe repair places. Some of you might remember when I wrote about them getting ruined in the rain... that was about 2-3 years ago. Yep. Still have 'em. Can't. Throw. Them. Out!

I found piles of old cards. Birthday cards. Cards from when I graduated from Social Work School. Found the last birthday card I got from X. It's SO him: "Happy Birthday. Looking forward to your graduation and 2 incomes and a house and a more certain future. I hope those are among your wishes. Lots of Love..." ""Lots of Love" Really? But wait. Isn't what he wrote all about HIM?

Found another card from him, maybe from the year before. "Happy Birthday to a warm, caring, loving wife who I'll miss enormously when she's gone. With lots of love (underlined)" I remember. I used to try to get some sort of expression of caring from him... or be noticed... and I'd say (jokingly) "Oh, you'll miss me when I'm gone!"

So I'm just kind of sitting here (well, actually I was sitting on the floor, surrounded by the aforementioned dust bunnies...) and just trying to assess how I feel. It seems that there was love in our relationship... but try as I might.. I can't really dig it up. I can't remember it.

And I'm going through credit card bills... I have them from 1998, dontcha know. (Ok, I started shredding those!!) And of course, before I shred them I have to look at them. And of course, each one has a memory. The time we went to Elephant Shop in Parnell, Auckland. When we went to Buy Buy Baby to get the stroller for Max, when we went to Wood World on the way up to Waipu Cove to stay at his Dad's caravan.. and how I joked how everything in NZ is "World". "Wood World, Auto World..." And teased him about the names & lack of imagination: "North Island, South Island, All Blacks, Tall Blacks (basketball!), All Whites...) And how, when his Dad was in the car with us and he threw a paper cup out the window and I made X stop the car & told his Dad to go out - "how could he litter such a beautiful country!?" And how X and I joked how it was ok that I did, that 'cause they kind of expected me to be like that: Jewish New Yorker, and all.... And I should feel happy, right? Remembering this stuff? And knowing that we did joke about stuff. And laugh. And have good times.

But all I remember is him making a hand motion to me that I'm not wearing lipstick. Or to stand with my feet together (low class to stand with your feet apart, you know...), and worrying that I looked too fat....

Siiiggghhh....

Guess I'll go back to my shredding.

Poynter Online - The Sad Decline of Britney Spears and Our Voyeuristic Complicity

Poynter Online - The Sad Decline of Britney Spears and Our Voyeuristic Complicity

Ok, so it made me feel a little bit guilty... He's right.