Will revist at end of summer....

Forwarded conversation
Subject: Max's Hebrew School Report Card
------------------------

From: Me
Date: Wed, May 28, 2008 at 7:38 AM
To: X


Yesterday was Max's last day of Hebrew School.  He received his report card.

"Max is a bright and enthusiastic student.  Max has made good progress as a [Hebrew] reader but his absences have kept him from reaching the level he is capable of.  Max enjoys working with Bible stories and learning about the holidays."

I talked to Max about this.  We discussed how as he gets older, learns more and more, and gets closer to his Bar-Mitzvah, he will have to get a tutor if he does not attend all the classes.  He has a requisite amount he has to learn.  Like any class, he has to perform and show that he's learning - and the absences are preventing that.  He understands that.  He said he would prefer to go on Sundays.  We talked about how he could stay at your place overnight on Sundays - if that's ok with you - or spend other times with you.  He said he'll talk about it with you.

Of course this is moot for the summer, but starting in September both boys will be going to Hebrew School.  I hope that this coming school year we can work together so that both boys can attend all the classes. It is very important.

Thanks,

A.

--
"
From: X
Date: Wed, May 28, 2008 at 7:50 AM
To: Me


Unfortunately it is unlikely that he will be able to stay over sundays. Also wednesday nights might be a thing of the past depending on my new job.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
----------
From: Me
Date: Wed, May 28, 2008 at 7:52 AM
To: X


Well, we will cross the wednesday night bridge when we come to it - and the Sunday stay over.  What I was trying to convey to Max (and I guess to you) was that there are many times that you & he can spend together that will not impact his learning.

I need to know that we will be able to work together with this.

-=-=-=-=-=-=
That was it.  He did not respond any further.  I made my point & will let it go until the end of the summer.

I can't even express how many colors of red I saw when I saw Max's report card.  We got it Tuesday but I waited until the next day to contact him... otherwise I would not have sounded as calm as I did.

The idea that his laziness impacted Max's learning... I can't.  I get too angry.

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Dunkin' Donuts pulls Rachael Ray ad after complaints - Yahoo! News

Dunkin' Donuts pulls Rachael Ray ad after complaints - Yahoo! News

People. Come. On. There's war, cyclones, tornadoes, and election coming up...but let's worry about Rachel Ray's scarf & whether or not it portrays a warped and outdated North American idea of Muslim fundamentalists.

Oy.

Untitled

So J said to me the other day:  "I don't really read your blog anymore.  I'm finding that it bothers me, that I find out stuff from your blog before I find it out from you!  It makes me feel a little funny, so I just thought I'd stop reading"

Oh.

I said to him that oftentimes I just use this blog as a vent (sorry guys) that I don't even need a response - I just need to get it out.  So that's why I don't tell him.  Right away.  I need to process it first.

He understood.  I think.  I try to not talk about our relationship too much... or if I do in general terms... or in a way that I know he would not mind.  I know he reads this.  I know that anybody could  read this.  So I just keep that in the back of my wee little mind...

I also am very conscious of not turning this into a "Mommy Blog" (whatever that is - but my own definition is a blog that is solely about ones kids.  My kids take up a fairly huge chunk of my life, but I think I"m a bit more than that...) so I try to write about other parts of my life:  work, J & X.  (Yikes!  Is that all my life is?!?!  Gotta get out more!)  But mostly, honestly, it's whatever is on my mind the most... that needs to come out.  THere's no planning.  No forethought.  Heck - there's not even a rough draft!!  I write, spell check & post!  WYSIWYG.

I remember when I dated Ex - before J - he said the same thing.  He stopped reading because he didn't want to find out stuff from here & not from me.

So is it me?

How is it if for you guys?  Do you have discussions with your S.O's?  Do they not read?  Object?

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Movin' right along...

I know I mentioned here before that J and I will probably move in together.  It will probably be some time next summer... into Manhattan.  (Don't ask me how we will do it, an affordable place - [three bedroom!] in a good school district...  But he says we can...)

And that's fine.  I love Manhattan.  I loved living in Manhattan.  I haven't really connected too well/too much with people here... so it's not such a great loss for me.

But (you know with me there's always a but.  I'm always over thinking everything, so there always has to be a "but"!)

You know, "we" talk about diversity & how it's so great... and how living in the city.. (manhattan) it's so diverse.  And it is.  Relative to Montana.  But relative to Queens?  Not so much.  I get on the train here & there are all sorts of people.  From all sorts of backgrounds.  I get on the train on the Upper West side?  Black.  White.  Latin.  That's it.  And I love having that diversity.  It makes me feel more.... real, I guess.  The real world.  Not what I think of the Manhattan bubble... a borough that is turning into  one made up of the very rich and the very poor, one which is turning into a giant shopping mall with luxury apartments... that most people, on most incomes, cannot afford to shop in.

I look at my kids' school, I look at the friends they have:  all different types.  Nice kids.  Good kids.  Sweet kids.  I go into the school, the staff there greets me, they know my kids, I can talk to the Assistant Principal about my kids.  She knows them.  This is a public school.  In NYC.  But it's also a small community school, far from being big and uncaring.

So ok.  Because I have nothing else to worry about, I'm thinking about that now.  Siiiggghh..... Do I really want to move?  What will that mean?  What sort of kids will my kids become if they grow up in Manhattan?  (My parents nearly bought a house in Great Neck...before they bought the house where I grew up.. For those of you who know Long Island, Great Neck is vastly different from where I grew up.  Vastly.  I would have been a different person, for sure.  [Or at least had much more designer clothing!])

I don't know.  It's really important to J to live in Manhattan, and that certainly would not be a hardship for me...living right near a park, walk to everything, closer to work...  But.

Just thinking.  As usual.

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Untitled

My job is safe.  Somebody else got the axe.  Try as I might to feel sorry for them... Well... I''m actually just more happy for me.

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Omigod.

Embedded Video

I am totally getting this!!!

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Untitled.

Max had his party this Sunday. It was a bowling party. Imagine, if you will.... a mother, sick with a horrible cold, cranky with PMS, a bowling alley that is about to close (that was their last day) overrun with crowds, staff not so involved... Also imagine.... parents dropping their 8 year old BOYS off at the party. "I have things to do, I'll pick him up later." Or "The party ends at four, right? See you then." Imagine this... the cranky, stuffy party throwing mother: "But, but, but....." And "Where are the chairs? The kids need to sit?" "Don't cry. I'll tie your shoes. Your mom will be back." And lastly: "WHERE ARE THE CHAIRS?!!?"

OMFG.

It was not one of the best parties I've had. Although I think I was the most bothered. (PMS?) The kids all seemed to have fun. But I don't understand: If you do not say "This is a drop off party" why would parents just leave their kids? Especially ones who are really just not old enough?

Then lets not talk about the one mom who brought another child with her. "They were having a play date. I brought him. Hope you don't mind. If you do, we can walk around outside." My PMSy response? "In the rain? No. Of course it's fine, but I might not have a goody bag for him." Then. She leaves. Leaves. (She DID come back after about a half hour or so.. but...)

I was relaying this all to J last night & he seemed far less annoyed than I felt. Or he did not express his annoyance as much as I would have liked. A girlfriend would have been all "Omigod! I don't know how you did it! The nerve! I can't believe it! It must have been hell!" And he was all...well.... understated. In a situation that required much commiserating "Oh. Yeah. That sounds like a bad day." Instead of the preferred: "You poor, poor thing... thank goodness you survived that horrible ordeal!" Thus the difference in the gender.

I'm growing my hair out (sorry, no segue or anything...). And I hate my hair. I always hate my hair when it's a bit longer ANYHOW - but I've made the decision to grow it (to a shortish bob) so I'm going to. Grow it out. I figure I can always cut it if I don't like it. But, my hairdresser warned me: "This is the tough time. The awkward time. The in between time. If you get through this without cutting it I promise it will be worth it." OK. But I'm still pretty self-conscious.

This Saturday I'm going out for dinner for J's daughter's birthday. I'm going with J, his two daughters, their mother and her boyfriend. Their mother. Her boyfriend. I've never met her. She's never met me.

Sunday, after the party, my parents took us all out for dinner. My mother goes... "Hmm... maybe you want to cut your hair before this dinner on Saturday."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks mom - because I didn't feel self conscious at all before... (And I did say that to her.)

I've come to the realization (with the assistance of some pretty good therapy) that my mother - as wonderful as she is - led me well on my way to marry a judgemental, perfectionist man like X. (Sorry Freud, I know I'm supposed to marry somebody like my Dad... but...)

My mother notices everything. Ev. Ry. Thing. Kid's hair not perfectly combed? She combs it. Speck on a shirt? She finds it. Doesn't like something? She says it. She was always on me about my weight (flash forward to today!) and always closely monitored how I dressed, what I wore, how it fit, etc, etc. (X! ) I know she did it out of love. I also know she did it out of her own background - my grandmother was a hoarder, a bit of a slob, did not pay attention to her kids at all.... SO - my mom is kind of the anti of that.

And now, yes - with my letting my kids go to school with their hair sticking out in tufts... I'm the anti of that.

Funny how those things work.

But still. Back to her comment. I can't get it out of my head. It was really such a mean thing to say. I mean, shouldn't some things just be left unsaid? And if I asked, shouldn't she say "You look fine. You look beautiful. And besides, that does not matter. Are you there to impress her, or just have a birthday celebration?" (Which is what I keep telling myself....)

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Max's Birthday

Today is Max's birthday. He's 8. I still can't really believe it. I was looking at his face, as he was falling asleep tonight - and this image of his ultra sound photo popped into my head! (Ok, well... in thinking about it I'm wondering how I know it's HIS ultrasound photo that popped in? Because. Let's be honest here... they all kinda look alike, don't they? Like don't you think the ultra sound technicians have a pile of photos they just give to the patients who come in for their scans? Just sayin'. But anyhow - he looked like A ultrasound picture, which somehow doesn't sound as nice and mushy and sentimental.)

Well, that's probably because I'm usually not so very mushy and sentimental. I can be nice. Although I've been told I'm not nice enough to be a flight attendant. I don't suffer fools gladly. And I don't have a poker face.

Oh. But wait. This was about MAX. It being his birthday and all... I mean, it's not like I worked really hard to give BIRTH to him or anything, is it?

Ok, ok. So he actually hit a home run today at his little league game, which was really cool. The team is really starting to come along - they ALL hit. The score was 19-4!!!

But here's the interesting part (you were waiting for this. I know.) I was there with X. Just us. (And Nathan, but he's always there... so....) And. It. Was. Ok. Normal. Calm. A bit strange.

We sat next to each other. We talked about the kids. We talked about books we had read, movies we had seen. We talked politics. Ok, when I went down to the snack bar & politely asked him if he wanted anything I did NOT expect him to say "sure, a hot dog." But if I didn't want to buy him anything I shouldn't have offered.

THEN, after we went out for a birthday dinner for Max. X didn't want to go at first. I told him I'd treat. He came. I wasn't sure if I should push it, given Max wanting us to move back in together... but I don't know... we were both there, it was his birthday... I felt like we should all be together.

By and large it worked. It's amazing how you fall back into those rhythms: the private jokes, the nicknames we had for relatives... it felt normal. But it wasn't.

I"m reading this book "Custody Chaos, Personal Peace: Sharing Custody with an Ex Who Drives you Crazy." and the author makes a point of reminding us that our Ex's are human. That we did, at one point see something in them... and that they are not perfect. (This is all part of his idea that if you don't let what happens with your Ex stress you out as much, then you have more control...) So this was good.

But still. Strange.

Stuff

Well, there are still people searching for "frustration boobs" on my blog. Hope this somehow eases their frustration.... (but I'm thinkin' probably not.)

To any of my "May Moms" friends who read this: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Can you believe our kids are going to be eight? Can you believe we've known each other for almost nine years?!?!? Anybody want to start planning the ten year reunion?

I told my boss I thought, in 20-20 hindsight.... that it was kind of mean of her to tell us six weeks out that one of us will lose our job the end of this month. She got a wee bit defensive.. but I had to. This is torture.

X called me. Said we have to start teaching Max some tact. When I asked why, he said the other day at Little League Max said, in his typical quiet, well modulated tone of voice: "I couldn't go to practice the other day, I had to go to the psychologist." He said the whole team heard. I started laughing when X told me this. I said well, maybe his generation will look at it differently. Not as much stigma. Remember when people used to whisper cancer? And let's not even get started about AIDS... But, I suppose I should talk to Max about some things being private... but I want to make sure to keep it in a way that does not make it anything bad/wrong/different.

When you stop and think about this parenting thing. I mean stop. Think. How we just do it... no rules, no flash cards, no umpire.... we just get thrown in there & do it... and it's so important. When I think about that I think... OK, it's important but then maybe if you think about it being too important then that makes you too self conscious... and just stop thinking about it and do it. So I stop thinking about it.

Nathan is a very nervous boy. It really started this past year, when he started kindergarten. He is so worried about doing something wrong (wonder where he got that from? Ref: above paragraph) But it almost throws him into a panic. He won't wear his denim jacket because the teacher wants them to button up & he can't button those buttons. So he WILL NOT wear it. It has to be something that zips. Or the teacher will get angry. Even if I say "but it's warmer now" or the little white lie: "I spoke to Ms G - she said it's OK." Nope.

The other day, when I was in the city and he was going to X's, he was nearly in tears. On Wednesdays Max goes to the aforementioned psychologist & the kids go right from the bus to the office. They do not take the stuff out of their back packs. Then they go from the psychologist to X's. He was crying to me "Mom, you have to see my notes. The teacher said we have to empty our folders every day! To show our work to our parents!" When I said he could show it to X, then he said "But Daddy puts the papers back into the folder and they get crinkled! The teacher will get upset if they're crinkled!" Omigod. That poor boy. So much pressures. (And this might read like it's sarcastic, but it's not. I mean it. Imagine have that many worries! At six!!)

So we came up with the solution that the babysitter will take the notes/papers out, take them home with HER and bring them back the next day. I'm not entirely sure what that means... since no parent will see them.. but maybe he feels like they're safe? Not crinkled?

I spoke to the Assistant principal at the school (who I lovelovelove!) and she suggested the guidance counselor. We'll see. I'm kind of cynical about guidance counselors... the ones I've dealt with have not been too much on the ball. But we'll see.

If not, I'm thinking Nathan might need the psychologist a wee bit more than Max.

And then I have to go back to thinking.... we only do what we can. We have no rule book.....

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Polish Holocaust hero dies at age 98 - Yahoo! News

Polish Holocaust hero dies at age 98 - Yahoo! News

Wow.

green throw up

You know... kids remember the important stuff... (Can't wait to show him this when he's 17!!)

Slideshow

These are ALL the photos from our weekend at Mohonk Lake House. It was. Amazing.

It would be nice if I could spell

See post below.

phtoso from the weekend (I took like 70...)

Let them be free.... but not TOO free..

So this past weekend, while we were away (oh, did I not mention that we were going away? I took J away for his birthday. He didn't want a party. It was a big birthday.... So. We were. AWAY. Did I mention that?)

ANYHOW.

We were talking about my kids & their growing up... and what to let them do on their own or not. Like J, when he crosses the street with Max will sometimes NOT hold his hand (will not think about this, will not think about this...) and ask Max when it's safe to cross. We talked about when it's safe for them to go to the bathroom in a restaurant on their own (I will take them to the ladies room with me, and they are starting to protest....) or play outside.

I feel like if it is Max and another 8 year old... then somethings are OK - but I don't think it's fair for Max to have to be responsible for his younger brother. Not at this age.

So, Monday night I was at Nathan's little league game. Nathan had team photos before & Max was just hanging out. They were taking the photos at the club house - around the corner from where the fields are.

Max came over & asked "Can I go over to Field 2, with Johnny, and play catch?" I kind of know Johnny & his mom. I went over to the mom - "What do you think?" She was really laid back... sure, no problem... he knows everybody there... So. I said. OK. BUT - I told him - he has to stay on field 2.

About a half hour later we headed over to the fields. I look on field two and guess who was NOT there? Right.

I look over at Field One. Nope. Walk up to three. Nope. Walk a bit faster up to Four. Nope. Kind of trot back down to Field Two. Feeling a little bit anxious... but not too bad. Ask a mother there "Have you seen Max?" Nope.

See Johnny's mom - she doesn't know where they are, either. Ok, so now I'm starting to get a wee bit more.... agitated. Then Johnny's brother yells: 'There they are!" On the bottom of Field One - just out of sight... there they were.

My melodious voice wafted down to Max.... could he please excuse himself from the game and come up to talk to me for a moment? (Translation: Max!!! Maxwell! You get yourself up here RIGHTTHISVERYMOMENTQUICKQUICKNOW!!!!)

I was angry. He explained that people came on the field, so they went to the other one. I told him I understood why - but that I told him to stay on Field Two - and if he had to leave he HAD TO TELL ME.

I made him stick with me the rest of the night & we talked about it again later. He got it. And really, it was ok - it was in a controlled environment & was (as much as I hate to use this term) a learning experience.

And you know, the whole time I just kept thinking "If he had a cell phone I could just call him!" But immediately chastised myself for even THINKING about getting an eight year old a cell phone!! Also, J always tells me that it's worse when they have the phones... because they never answer! Imagine how nerve wracking that is!!! Where is he?!? In a ditch?!? Why isn't he answering?!?! It's pretty much a no win.

Oh man. This letting them go thing.... At least I have the bubble wrap ready for once they start driving....
(It was foggy for the first day. We got a little.... lost on the grounds. Oops. I was actually cracking up - it was like something out of a bad horror movie: "Don't go that way! Don't go into the mist!!" But maybe you had to be there.)

These Kids....

Yesterday my sitter said to me:  "I have to tell you something - I didn't have time the other day... but I really have to."

Given my recent history with my sitter... my heart sank.

She began:  "The other day, when we came in to meet you and J in the city - before the Yankees Tigers game - we were on the train and Nathan did the most amazing thing."  Nathan?  Amazing thing?  Now I wasn't so anxious.

She continued.  "There weren't so many seats, so I told the boys to sit and I stood next to them.  Nathan said to me: "you have to sit down.  You can't stand.  I told him 'no, it's ok.' But he insisted.  'You sit down, I'll sit on your lap.'  So, I went to sit.  Then the other people on the train saw I was pregnant.  They were in shock, and obviously felt badly because they did not notice before.  But you have no idea what that did to me.  How it made me feel.  How he made me feel, insisting that I sit down..."

I was speechless.  MY Nathan?!?  My son who never seems to think about anybody but himself?  Who always asks:  "What do you have for me?"  "Why do *I* have to do that?"  "YOU, you do it FOR me!"  Now MAX - he's the one who is always thinking.  He is the one who has more empathy...  I was totally floored.

But you know what was the coolest part?  Things I say -- they sink in!!

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And so it begins...

X has been made a "consultant" so his salary will be about halved.  Starting his next pay check.  It's going to be fun.  He's telling me how he has to pay more for his insurance & business expenses... so that means he'll be contributing less.  I want to be fair... but you know, the expenses for the kids don't go down.  I have to get them their summer wardrobe...

PLUS - am I responsible for taking care of HIS needs?  Why does he think I am?!?!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Forwarded conversation
Subject: Re: Bi-Weekly Support '08
------------------------

From: X
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:10 PM
To:ME

Why am I stuck with all the income pressure.... Why can't your income help float the boat a bit. Why can't you have a job that helps your family before the public. You are selfish and the boys will understand it when they are older.
------Original Message------

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry----------
From: ME
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:16 PM
To:X

when you get a chance please let me know what your income is & how we are going to figure out these checks.  I'm figuring the proportion will be 60-40.

--
"
From:  X
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:21 PM
To: ME


I don't know what my income will be. I will be receiving checks equivalnet to $Xxxxxt will be subject to business expenses that will probably take that income to about $(8000 less). Then my income would factor out social security and new york city taxes to arrive at a figure.
----------
From: ME
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:24 PM
To: X


what do you mean business expenses?  the proportion is based on how much your take home pay is....

----------
From: X
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:27 PM
To:ME


I'm not a salaried employee and have to cover an array of costs.
 
----------
From: ME
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:29 PM
To: X


do you get the same amount in each pay check?--
----------
From: X
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:31 PM
To: ME


Yes, it is an official contract so I will fax you a copy.
 
From:ME
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:45 PM
To:X

ok - I'll send you my fax number tomorrow.   but if you have a set weekly/bi-weekly salary then that's what we work from.

--
----------
From X
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 7:57 PM
To: ME


It's monthly.
FYI: if the parisittes suck too much blood out of the host--the host dies and the parissities too.
 
----------
From ME
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 8:00 PM
To: X


ok - so we'll figure out how much that is bi-weekly & take it from there.--

----------
From: X
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 8:10 PM
To: ME


I'm a very fair guy, so don't push me too hard.
 
----------
From: ME
Date: Sun, May 4, 2008 at 8:30 PM
To: X


yes.  You are fair.  I just want to be able to understand & budget -- so I'll need to know how much you will be contributing.

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thanks max

My "gifted" children. :)

Who is this really about?

Errrr..... Yeah.  Don't really know.

The boys got their results back from the Gifted and Talented test.  They didn't make it.  Neither of my boys are gifted.  Or Talented.

According to the test.

I had been gearing myself for this for a while.  "Ahhh.... it's no big deal.  It's only a test.  If they *do* get in, I'm not even sure I want them to be in it - they'll be overwhelmed with homework... is that worth it at this young age?"  And so on.  You get the idea.

But we got the results back.  And neither made it to the 90th percentile. Not even to the 80th percentile.

(BLOG INTERRUPTION!  MOUSE!  HERE!  CUTE!  RUNNING!  CRAP!!!  OMIGOD! WHAT DO I DO?!?!?)

The crazy woman who lives in my building?  Her daughter is 89th percentile.  Nathan's friend?  He made it.  My boys?  Did not.

And I cannot at all tell you how awful I feel that way.  But you know what it's about?  It's about me not feeling like I did a good enough job as a parent.  It's not about them not being good/smart/gifted/talented enough... It's about me not sitting with them more.  Not reading with them enough.  Not doing flash cards.  Not making them practice  their writing over and over.  I feel like if I had done this... I'd have given them the chance to succeed... but because I come home & crash & the last thing I ever want to do is go over letters with them...

(DO YOU THINK I CAN CATCH IT WITH A TUPPERWARE CONTAINER?  THEN TOSS IT DOWN THE TRASH?)

Max is very glad he did not make it.  He does not want the extra homework.

I haven't told X yet.  I need to, but I'm not sure I want to deal with his reaction -- or how he'll react with the kids.  The thing with him is I never really know... He could be really "normal" or... not.

Oy.  Now off to find that mouse.

 

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Young at Heart chorus sings Road to Nowhere

Saw this movie last night. Absolutely cannot recommend it enough!!