A while back I wrote about how I had been feeling cranky - PMS'y nearly all the time. Nearly three weeks out of each month. Plus having these awful monthly migraines. Plus numerous other wonderful things happening to this growing (oh yes, growing - but that's another post!) body. I thought that maybe it was the dreaded perimenapause. It can start as early as your late thirties (oh, those lucky, lucky women!) I had gone to my doctor and she said that Prozac was the drug of choice for PMS. I was a bit unsure, but she put me on 10 mg. It made no discernible change, so I took myself off.

Flash forward to June of this year. I'm still feeling it. And J. He's asking me: "Why do you always seem so angry at me?" And it's true. It's like I look for things to yell at him for! "What! You didn't replace the cotton balls! You don't love me!" And I'm telling you, this doesn't just happen the day or two before I get my period -- it will happen two - three weeks before. And J? Hates confrontation. Hates anger. Hates yelling. While I will yell, get it out & move on... it impacts him more. So it was really having an impact (use that word much?) on our "quality of life." He mentions how he's worried that we fight so much. (Personally? I don't see what we do as "fight" more like "bicker" - and that doesn't concern me. But I guess it's subjective.)

I go to my GP again & tell her. This is horrible. I really feel like PMS so much of the month. Can't concentrate, have PMS brain, emotional, cranky (ok, bitchy). She again mentions the Prozac & says that 10 mg was not enough. "Let's try 20 she says." I said that I was thinking of talking to my OB & changing my birth control - maybe the hormones I'm getting are changing my moods... She said: "Let's try both. Start with the 20 mg & call me in a few weeks. If need be we'll raise you to 40."

Then I went to my OB/GYN & talked to her. She said "You're on hormonal birth control. You have an 'artificial period' you should not even be having PMS. You don't ovulate." Huh?!?! But... but... I feel it. I feel my body change. I feel my moods change. Really. Truly. It's concrete. I know my body. She looks baffled. She says: "Ok, let's try you on the Seasonique - you'll get your period once every three months. Lets see what happens."

So. Let me tell you what happens.

I feel great.

I don't know what's in this Prozac. This happy pill. But man. Last month? Just a touch of the PMS feeling, a week before. A bit of moodiness, but deal- able. Regular PMS. And perhaps I should give it another month before I start claiming The Great Cure... but damn. I've just been feeling so good.

And that makes me feel weird.

I mean. I know I wasn't "depressed" before. I'm a social worker. I know the symptoms. So it freaks me out, a bit, that I feel so good now.

And I know it's not just the magic pill. I know it's because it makes me calmer = happier = J happier = my kids happier = me happier. So it all kind of goes in a big circle.

And it feels good to feel good.

And I'm the first person to suggest to a client that it's ok to go on meds - that if it gives relief, improves your quality of life... why not?

But why do I feel so guilty? So illicit? So artificial? Like this isn't a "real" happy.. it's from the pill... and that's not good.

Ugh.

You'd think I could just relax & enjoy finally being a bit calmer & not so tense, irritable all the time... Butcha know. The thinking. The over thinking. The over over thinking.

I wonder if there's a pill that makes people Just Let Things Be.

Like, Omigod!

I've been reading the post BlogHer blog posts.... and... well.... I feel like I'm back in high school! I'm having all these flashbacks, and am finding that many of these posts actually make me feel very uncomfortable. The gossip. The inuendo.

What is it about women? Do we all always have to hyper-analyze everything?

I hope to read something good about it -- but thus far it seems that only the conference about Just Posts was the one thing everybody can agree on.

Just had to get that off my chest. It's all too weird.

A Four Hour Tour

Well, it seems that X is really getting married. August 8th. He & his fiance invited J & I to the wedding celebration, but we'll be leaving for our summer vacation in Long Beach that day. (Did I mention we're going on vacation? Two weeks! We rented a house in Long Beach for all six of us!) But, I later found out that .... well... X really just invited me for free child care for the boys.

Because.

The wedding celebration is going to be dinner. On a boat. From 7-11 pm. Imagine if you will.... my boys... trapped. On a boat. For four hours. At night. (Sounds like something out of Go Dog, Go!)

But, when I spent the day with X last Wednesday - for summer camp visiting day - we came up with a solution. Nothing like planning your X's wedding day with your X. (Although I have to say, it really did NOT feel at all strange.)

He and his fiance really want the kids to be there. They really want to have them join in on the celebration. So. X asked me: "What would you do?" I said: "I'd have a brunch." He's all "no, really - what would you do?." And again I respond - I'd have a brunch. Then he goes: "But [fiance] wants a dinner -- if you had to have a dinner -- what would you do? Would you have the boys there?" And I respond (enjoying this way, way too much) "But I would never get myself into that situation! I'd just start off having a brunch." (Passive aggressive much?) I relent. I ask him: What does fiance want? He said that fiance really want's them there, but then every once in a while wonders what it could be like if they demand a lot of attention...and even though they would hire a sitter to stay with them.... one cranky child can really change a dynamic.

I agree.

So, I help him plan - what I think he might do is this: They are getting married @ City Hall that morning, then going for photos in Central Park. The boys will be with them, definitely for that part. Then I tell him - just all go out for a fun fancy ice cream filled lunch. Go to Serendipity. Tell the boys it's the family celebration. Make it a big deal. Then tell them you'll take them on a boat another time. They don't need to go to the "grown-up" celebration, because it really will be too much for them & fiance should not have to worry about how they'll be...

So, we'll see.

And you know, spending the day with him wasn't too bad. We had one tense moment talking about Hebrew School (Oy.) but that was it. It was nice to see him with the boys, because I never really get a chance to see that. It's good for me to get the other side of the picture, to see how they react to each other - how he really does love them...

BUT - don't think I'd want to do it again any time soon.

Who says I jump the gun?!?

Yeah. So. Yesterday Max goes to me: "Mom, what if I wet the bed at the overnight?" Aha! My chance! I knew it! I knew he'd come around and be worried! What else could I ask for, right?!?

I said "Well [because I knew you'd be worried I already worried for you and figured it out!] the doctor says there's a pill you can take so you won't." He looks happy. I strain my arm from patting myself on the back.

Then.

"But Mom. What if the pill doesn't work?"

Sputter sputter cough cough

"I said what if it doesn't work? I don't want to go."

"But, but -- Max - you don't have to decide right now. Talk to Daddy. Talk to J. Talk to Grandma or Grandpa... you have until Monday/Tuesday to decide."

"MOM! I don't want to go!!"

"I know, I know - and you don't have to... but we don't have to decide right now. How about a pull up?"

(Have you ever seen an eight year old give a "are you friggin out of your mind" look? Imagine that.)

"Ok. So nix the pull up."

"Mom. I know you might not think this is an intelligent decision. I know you say I should try new things, and this pill is a new thing. But I've thought about it and my decision is I don't want to sleep over."

(Pulling jaw off chest.) Ok. Fine. Absolutely fine.

But, I had already put a call in to the pediatrician and one of the other doctors in the practice called me back today. I didn't know the name of the medication, but told this doctor what it was supposed to do. She says: "Oh. They used to prescribe that. Now they do more behavioral modification. I don't even know the name of the medication - we never even learned about it!"

Did I mention that this is the same practice that prescribed the belladonna/phenobarbital for Max?

The doctor told me the name of the medication, told me to research it & call back on Monday if I still want it. The medication is desmopressin. If you read about it I especially like the part where they say do not use if the child is active.

Or,specifically: "They should also be very cautious during hot weather or following strenuous exercise that may make them thirsty."

So, I figure using it at a day camp sleep over, where they'll be doing all sorts of sports, in the summer... it'll be fine. Right?

Oy.

So, he's going to stay for the late night/cook out part & come home by 9 pm with Nathan. And he made the intelligent decision by himself.

Stuff

People are still searching for "frustration boob" and getting this site.  I hope it's not too.... errr.... frustrating.

Ok internet people.  Here's the thing:  I know I mentioned in my previous post how Max peed in my parents' bed.  He really hasn't done it in a while.  But he did again last night.  His pediatrician says it's normal for boys to do that until age 12or so.  Fine.

He has a sleep over at camp next Thursday.

Being a Mom I automatically thought of the worst case scenario.  (Does it ever kind of hit you?  I'm a MOM!   Like I"m actually responsible for somebody else!  Gah!  Anyhow....)  You know... what if... he... pees?!?!?

So I say to him.... in an off handed way:  "Wow, you have a sleep over next week!"  Him "Yeah."  Me:  "So what do you think about that?"  Him:  Shrug.  Me:  "No thoughts?"  Him:  "Mom!"

Ok.  So.

Do I:  1) Follow his lead?  He's not concerned so I'm not concerned?  2) Call the doctor to get the medication to prevent bed wetting (Dr. had mentioned it to me before - to be used for "social" situations....;Do I tell him?  Do I just slip it into his peanut butter sandwich? 3) Pull ups?

I don't want to make him self conscious, and I don't want to create an issue where there might not be one.  Maybe he's more in control than I think.  Maybe he knows he can control his bladder.... 

Maybe I"m over thinking this... and just let what happens happen & deal with the after shocks?  I mean, this happens to kids all the time, right?  They aren't scarred for life, right?

But I just want to protect him.

Or, do I sit with him and have a talk?  Tell him I can get this pill and what does he think?

I'm really really at a loss.

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Mouse: Still here. Super will only put down poison or glue traps. I won't allow any more poison since J brings his dog here & the glue traps.. Well. They're useless. I'm going to have to call the management company.

Fourth of July was good. Ruined my parents' king sized mattress and broke their washing machine.

Ha ha. No. Really. I did.

My parents are away (in Israel) so we (me, the kids,J, his daughter, his dog) went to their place to have a suburban July 4th. Usually when we sleep there we all sleep in the den. But, my parents weren't there - so -- I put the kids in their room.

Max hasn't peed in bed in like six months. Really. I promise!

Except that he did July 3rd.

On top of the king sized down comforter. His sleeping bag, (see, I wasn't entirely frivolous! I made them sleep in sleeping bags on top of the bed!)top sheet,fitted sheet, mattress pad, mattress... Yep.

So I get to work washing. Wash the sheets. Fine. Put in the sleeping bag & take it out... hmm.... still wet. Well, put in towels (I used them to blot. Ok?) they run... hmm.... still wet. Wait. A. Minute.... The machine is not spinning.

Run.

Get J.

Nope. Machine still not spinning.

I go into catatonic state.

J (tries to) calm me down "you didn't break it. This is what happens in houses... things break all the time..."

Catatonia.

(Is that a word?)

We see that my parents have a service contract. I call. They will come on Thursday. My sister will be there then. Phew.

We decide to bring comforter to J's sister to wash. But then I realize: down. King sized. Umm.. no.

And that king sized mattress pad? Am I going to risk it? In a machine? I'm feeling a bit jinxed (NO! Don't use the treadmill! It will break! Don't touch the tv! Careful with the refrigerator!!) so decide...

$60 some odd dollars later, the comforter, mattress pad & duvet cover all at cleaners. They will deliver. On Wednesday.

My (supportive) sister: "WHat? You let them sleep in their bed?!? You broke the machine! Great. Just great.) Will (gladly) be there to receive. ("Great. Now I have to stay around the house. Great.")

Did I mention also that it rained all weekend?

Ok. All that happened, but it was actually lots of fun.

How was yours?

First Day of Camp

Nice haircuts, huh?

Soomer than expected

I just looked (again) at Max's report card & a fresh wave of frustration just ran through my body.

He got an amazing report card. Really. Amazing.

His teacher who does not like to give "4" (above grade level) gave him nearly all fours in reading (the rest 3's) and two (out of four) 4's in Math.

He got threes (meets grade level standards) in everything else. Except one thing. All year he has gotten 2's in "Works and Plays cooperatively with others." Even last year (he had the same teacher) she gave him that.

The first time I was really annoyed that she would give him that grade without talking to me. If he's misbehaving, tell me. Don't just give him a bad grade, let's work on it. Fix it. But now I've learned that this is just how she is. I've learned the type of teacher and the type of student that he is - and well - whatever.

(And I have to add that he twos for past two grades in "Respects class and school rules" but went up to a three for this grading period. So. One two.

X calls me yesterday (you knew this would be about him when I said "frustration", didn't you?) before I saw the report card. "Max got a two." I respond, oh - the teacher never told me there was a problem. He's all "don't blame the teacher..." and I said I'm not - but if she is having a problem with him, it's also part of her job to tell us. We can help. We should know.

He goes on to say that he "talked to Max" and "Max cried." I said I'd talk to Max, too.

I got home & saw this amazing report card. I saw how he went UP in general behavior. And got amazing grades. He didn't want to show me the card. "I got a two." I told him how proud I was of him. I told him how many GOOD grades he got, how he went UP in behavior. I talked to him about NOT focusing on the ONE bad thing, but to look at all the good he did.

X called me later. "Did you see it? Did you talk to him." I said I saw it. I said how he went up in behavior (school rules) and asked X if he told Max how well he did in everything else? Why did he focus on the negative?

X responded that Max is "going to be a man" he has to work on these things.

I told X I had to go and hung up.

We were out for dinner with my parents. They came back & wanted to see the report cards. Max did not want to show his. My parents finally looked & also told him how proud they were of him.

Ugh. X.

(Not to leave him out! Nathan got all threes and two fours in Math!!)

Ok, ok - they went to the barber with my Dad, and got (muffled voice) good cuts. (My mom went to, to supervise!)

It was cool, I guess, 'cause Vinny (barber) has been cutting my Dad's hair for nearly 20 years, cuts my brother's hair... and now my kids. They were all getting into the multi-generational thing.

(My Mom also says that Vinny is "very handsome".)

Done. Finished. Lesson learned.

I'll post more - later on. Things have been crazy at work & I've just been exhausted....

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008)

Goosebumps.

Don't laugh

 But I'm stymied.  Absolutely and totally stymied.  I have to make a decision.  One of absolutely utmost importance.  I mean, if I mess up on this decision... the repercussions will be endless.  Endless!!

So you get the seriousness of this, right?

You're concerned?

You're in this with me?  How can you help?  What can you do?  What can be done to ease this?

I thank you.  I thank you for your concern.  It touches me.

The issue is:  Haircuts.

I'll wait for a minute while you gather yourselves.  Catch your breath.  Have a seat.  Maybe somebody can bring you a glass of cold water....

I have huge haircut issues.  For myself and for my boys.  Since their first haircut I had brought them to a children's salon out on Long Island - where my parents are.  But the woman who cut their hair.... well... it pains me to say this but she --- left.  With nary a word.  So I was stranded.

Brought the boys to the local Super Cuts and their hair was butchered!  (Swat team was called in.  That woman will no longer be cutting hair.)

Then the next time I brought them to this little trendy hipster place in the East Village.  $60 later they had trendy little hipster haircuts....  AND they still looked the same as the other   haircuts!  Imagine how thrilled I was to spend that much more on haircuts!  But,  now I could say they "get their hair cut in the East Village."  Instead of Long Island.  So you get it why it's worth it for me to pay nearly double the price?  Right?

Yeah.  Me too.

SO ANYHOW. 

Their hair is getting long & I looked at my calendar... and... as scary as this sounds there's literally no free weekend to get their hair cut until mid July!  So, I started thinking that I'd take the day off after their last day of school -- take them out in Manhattan, have a fun day, get their hair cut at their cool, hip, trendy East Village haircuttery.... but then realized I'd be taking time off two days that week -- so I can't really take that day off.

Then.

My father offered to take them to his.......

Barber.

Bar-ber.

Barber.

Like with shears.  Razors.  Red, white and blue poles... And... bowl cuts!  And shaved heads!!

Gah!

I'm making myownself sick!  THe stupid thing about this is I really don't like it when guys go to "salons" - I'm a total minimalist when it comes to grooming and guys... but for some reason... when it comes to my kids.... I'm going through this whole snobby thing...(Said in snooty voice:) "No child of mine will go to a ... a... barber!"  And I'm even entertaining the thought of taking them to my old salon and paying over $35 each!

Am I mad?

I think so.

And I can't even believe this is a "thing".

And I can't even believe I'm blogging about this.

But I do believe in fairies!

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Everything old is new again

This and this.
I don't get it.
They're the same, no?
What am I missing?

(Remember that movie? "Number 5 is Alive!")

Siiiggghhh

Nathan. He used to be so quiet. So sweet. So even tempered. Always full of smiles... But lately... I'm not so sure. (Is he signing "I love you" or is that the heavy metal devil sign?)

Last week, at Max's little league game Nathan went off to play with some of the "big kids." I told him he could - if he stayed where I could see him. He said ok. Next thing I know, I look up and he's not there. He is alllllllll the way down the end of the other field! He sees me walking towards him & starts running back. Quickly.

I ask him: "What did I say." He says: "I can't remember! I can't be expected to remember everything you say!" (Ok, I'm paraphrasing a bit - but that's the meaning behind what he said!)I responded with a questioning "oh?" And he goes on to say: "Yes! You said to me "blah, blah, blah, blah!' How could I remember that?!?!

I stop. I look at him. I surpress a smile, and take him back to the seat with me, telling him that he can no longer play with the big kids, and maybe next time he will be able to remember what I said!

("Blah, blah, blah!" It's funny! Annoying as hell, but it's funny!)

I have nothing to say.

I was talking to a young, cute, vivacious 20 something girl today. She was telling me about her new boyfriend. We started talking a bit about sex. She said she doesn't like to use hormonal birth control & is thinking of just using the rhythm method. I smiled. Nodded. And said yes, but that's not always the most reliable.

She smiles and says: "Yes, but if anything happens, I have no problem killing it."

...............................


Oh.

I suppose I was expecting her to say something like... "I love him ,we'll keep the baby.."


Now listen. I have to say that I am absolutely 100% pro-choice. No question. And this young woman is certainly in no stage in her life to have a baby. I don't know that I would REALLY expect her to have it. But I sure as shit did not expect her to say that. Like that. (And yes, I recognize it was also part of her trying to seem young, hip & cool... and maybe this really isn't anything you really know until you're pregnant. Until you have kids. Until you know people who have had lost their babies..., But.)

I kind of gulped and said .."well... I guess... but you know -- you really do not want to be presented with that. It's devastating. Really. Truly. You should try however you can NOT to put yourself into that situation."

She kind of smiled, a Yes I Know smile. And knowing there was nothing else I could do or say - because this young woman absolutely and totally knows her own mind... and I made my point very loud and clear. (I'm good like that.)

But. Sigh. It upset me. I'm so pro-choice, but I hate hearing stuff like this... I suppose I've been living in a bit of a bubble - It's not like I talk to a lot of people in this age group. It's either elementary schoolers or senior citizens! I kind of miss out on a whole age group... But it kind of made me want to cart out those "Abstinence Only" banners...

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Refinement.

You know, I really don't know what to say about this - except every time I watch it it makes me laugh.

(My father's joke at the end? Not so much. But that's only because I've heard it about 25 million times. That and the one that goes: "You know why we call the turkey Napoleon? We eat everything but the boneypart. Get it? BONEY part. Yeah.)

Will revist at end of summer....

Forwarded conversation
Subject: Max's Hebrew School Report Card
------------------------

From: Me
Date: Wed, May 28, 2008 at 7:38 AM
To: X


Yesterday was Max's last day of Hebrew School.  He received his report card.

"Max is a bright and enthusiastic student.  Max has made good progress as a [Hebrew] reader but his absences have kept him from reaching the level he is capable of.  Max enjoys working with Bible stories and learning about the holidays."

I talked to Max about this.  We discussed how as he gets older, learns more and more, and gets closer to his Bar-Mitzvah, he will have to get a tutor if he does not attend all the classes.  He has a requisite amount he has to learn.  Like any class, he has to perform and show that he's learning - and the absences are preventing that.  He understands that.  He said he would prefer to go on Sundays.  We talked about how he could stay at your place overnight on Sundays - if that's ok with you - or spend other times with you.  He said he'll talk about it with you.

Of course this is moot for the summer, but starting in September both boys will be going to Hebrew School.  I hope that this coming school year we can work together so that both boys can attend all the classes. It is very important.

Thanks,

A.

--
"
From: X
Date: Wed, May 28, 2008 at 7:50 AM
To: Me


Unfortunately it is unlikely that he will be able to stay over sundays. Also wednesday nights might be a thing of the past depending on my new job.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
----------
From: Me
Date: Wed, May 28, 2008 at 7:52 AM
To: X


Well, we will cross the wednesday night bridge when we come to it - and the Sunday stay over.  What I was trying to convey to Max (and I guess to you) was that there are many times that you & he can spend together that will not impact his learning.

I need to know that we will be able to work together with this.

-=-=-=-=-=-=
That was it.  He did not respond any further.  I made my point & will let it go until the end of the summer.

I can't even express how many colors of red I saw when I saw Max's report card.  We got it Tuesday but I waited until the next day to contact him... otherwise I would not have sounded as calm as I did.

The idea that his laziness impacted Max's learning... I can't.  I get too angry.

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Dunkin' Donuts pulls Rachael Ray ad after complaints - Yahoo! News

Dunkin' Donuts pulls Rachael Ray ad after complaints - Yahoo! News

People. Come. On. There's war, cyclones, tornadoes, and election coming up...but let's worry about Rachel Ray's scarf & whether or not it portrays a warped and outdated North American idea of Muslim fundamentalists.

Oy.

Untitled

So J said to me the other day:  "I don't really read your blog anymore.  I'm finding that it bothers me, that I find out stuff from your blog before I find it out from you!  It makes me feel a little funny, so I just thought I'd stop reading"

Oh.

I said to him that oftentimes I just use this blog as a vent (sorry guys) that I don't even need a response - I just need to get it out.  So that's why I don't tell him.  Right away.  I need to process it first.

He understood.  I think.  I try to not talk about our relationship too much... or if I do in general terms... or in a way that I know he would not mind.  I know he reads this.  I know that anybody could  read this.  So I just keep that in the back of my wee little mind...

I also am very conscious of not turning this into a "Mommy Blog" (whatever that is - but my own definition is a blog that is solely about ones kids.  My kids take up a fairly huge chunk of my life, but I think I"m a bit more than that...) so I try to write about other parts of my life:  work, J & X.  (Yikes!  Is that all my life is?!?!  Gotta get out more!)  But mostly, honestly, it's whatever is on my mind the most... that needs to come out.  THere's no planning.  No forethought.  Heck - there's not even a rough draft!!  I write, spell check & post!  WYSIWYG.

I remember when I dated Ex - before J - he said the same thing.  He stopped reading because he didn't want to find out stuff from here & not from me.

So is it me?

How is it if for you guys?  Do you have discussions with your S.O's?  Do they not read?  Object?

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Movin' right along...

I know I mentioned here before that J and I will probably move in together.  It will probably be some time next summer... into Manhattan.  (Don't ask me how we will do it, an affordable place - [three bedroom!] in a good school district...  But he says we can...)

And that's fine.  I love Manhattan.  I loved living in Manhattan.  I haven't really connected too well/too much with people here... so it's not such a great loss for me.

But (you know with me there's always a but.  I'm always over thinking everything, so there always has to be a "but"!)

You know, "we" talk about diversity & how it's so great... and how living in the city.. (manhattan) it's so diverse.  And it is.  Relative to Montana.  But relative to Queens?  Not so much.  I get on the train here & there are all sorts of people.  From all sorts of backgrounds.  I get on the train on the Upper West side?  Black.  White.  Latin.  That's it.  And I love having that diversity.  It makes me feel more.... real, I guess.  The real world.  Not what I think of the Manhattan bubble... a borough that is turning into  one made up of the very rich and the very poor, one which is turning into a giant shopping mall with luxury apartments... that most people, on most incomes, cannot afford to shop in.

I look at my kids' school, I look at the friends they have:  all different types.  Nice kids.  Good kids.  Sweet kids.  I go into the school, the staff there greets me, they know my kids, I can talk to the Assistant Principal about my kids.  She knows them.  This is a public school.  In NYC.  But it's also a small community school, far from being big and uncaring.

So ok.  Because I have nothing else to worry about, I'm thinking about that now.  Siiiggghh..... Do I really want to move?  What will that mean?  What sort of kids will my kids become if they grow up in Manhattan?  (My parents nearly bought a house in Great Neck...before they bought the house where I grew up.. For those of you who know Long Island, Great Neck is vastly different from where I grew up.  Vastly.  I would have been a different person, for sure.  [Or at least had much more designer clothing!])

I don't know.  It's really important to J to live in Manhattan, and that certainly would not be a hardship for me...living right near a park, walk to everything, closer to work...  But.

Just thinking.  As usual.

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Untitled

My job is safe.  Somebody else got the axe.  Try as I might to feel sorry for them... Well... I''m actually just more happy for me.

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