I had a....

BBQ!!! Yes, I know, for those of you in the suburbs, or with yards, not such a huge deal... BUT I only have a balcony! I got one of those table top hibachis & J came over and we had a BBQ on the terrace. SO Cool! It was so much fun....

I found out something, though.... and I'm not really sure what to do with it. Found out something about J. He..... well..... ummmm.... doesn't like artichokes. I know. I know. Sit down. Digest it. Kinda knocked the wind out of me, too.... but I got past it & see that even though he has this... issue - I can still love him.

X came over yesterday to pick up the kids. Due to all thise complicated stuff (his brother coming, Jewish holidays, my mom's birthday) we've been moving weekends around & splitting weekends...

So he says to me "What do you think about my introducing the kids to the woman I'm seeing." So, without thinking I say: "Well, if it's serious, I guess it's ok. I introduced mine." Of course the minute it was out of my mouth I realized "Shit! I didn't ask/tell him I was going to do that!" And he, of course, realized that too. And called me on it. I appologized. He was totally right.

But then he starts with "so, is it serious for you, with this guy?" ANd I'm not comfortable talking about this with him. And it's not about the whole we were married & don't want to talk about who we're with now. That's not it. Just with him, I never know what he's going to do with any information he gets. Sometimes he's nice and genuine. Or SEEMS nice & genuine -- but it'll come back to me.

When we first split up & didn't really have any custody schedule set up he would come over here to stay w/the kids. And, if I was out on a date, or whatever - he would know what I wore, what time I got back (unless he was asleep) or whtever. I used to think he was cool with that - but both my shrink, and my uncle (who is also a shrink) were like... "ummm, you go out on a date & you think he's ok with it? Really?"

And when I went away with EX & then he had this huge blow up like a day later. He said about money - my Uncle looked at me and said: "In all my years of practice whenever somebody says something is about money. It's not. You go away with a guy, he has a blow up the next day.... come on!"

So I really don't know what his motivation is in asking me... and he always gets kinda snarky about it, too -with this smile...

But then I was also thinking that when the kids and I went away last weekend I didn't even think to tell him about it until we were almost on the bus. And it wasn't until I realized that if HE took the kids away for a weekend and did NOT tell me I'd be LIVID.

THe thing is, I guess I can't get a clear picture of what sort of parent he wants to be. I really feel like he's so tangetialy involved.. that I guess I just don't think to tell him. And if I hold him to the standard I think he WANTS to be at... well, he's not.

HOnestly - he wouldn't know if they were here, there, or anywhere on a weekend. He never calls them....

But still, I have to keep reminding myself to keep on doing what's "right" no matter what.