So, since about Friday I've been feeling all my tension in my stomach. That has never happened before. Ahhh, the mother child connection. A wonderful thing.

Sooo... where do I begin with this? Max had little league practice on Saturday. Saturday morning. At 9 am. The kids were with X for the weekend. I had initially thought both kids had practice - at the same time - so scrambled around to figure out how we could make that work. Because X had the kids and I hold absolutely NO illusions that he would worry about this. I spoke to a woman who lives in my building. Her husband is Max's coach, the boys are friends. She said that they would drive to Sunnyside and pick Max up. He had already missed one practice & she said there was no reason for him to miss another.

It ended up that Nathan's practice was cancelled - so only once child to one practice. The offer still stood for Max to get a ride, but I told my neighbors that I'd check with X. It's only one child... but then you never know with ole' X....

Spoke to X the Friday before. Asked him. He responded absolutely affirmatively. Yes. He will take Max. It's at a location that is easily accessible. I reminded him that Max COULD get a ride.. but he said he WOULD take him.

You know where this is going, right?

Sunday morning X calls me up. "Nathan has a headache and his leg hurts." (Ummm... so you're calling me why?) I ask: Does he have fever? Does he seem lethargic? Has he been eating? X responds with: "I didn't call you to be interrogated." Still in relatively good humor I respond that I was NOT interrogating, but asking the normal questions a person asks when a child is not feeling well. That there are certain ways you can assess how sick a child really is. I told him to give Nathan some children's Tylenol & take his temperature. (Realizing the whole time that the reason he called me up was for me to say "He's sick? Ok, I'll pick the kids up earlier. I'll deal with it.") I asked how Max had been - he said fine. No complaints all weekend. I asked about practice... (wait for it... wait for it.....) No. They did not go.

I saw red. WHY?!?!? He could have gotten a ride there if you didn't want to take him! He's only made one practice because you didn't take him to the first, and the only reason he made it to the 2nd practice was J went out at SIX AM to get his parents' car to take him!!! X responded that Max's stomach was "sore" so they didn't go. Ummm.. then HOW COME YOU TOLD ME HIS STOMACH HAD BEEN FINE?!? I said, that really - if his stomach had been sore that when I asked he would have said "It was sore on Saturday morning & we didn't go to practice...." I laced into him: "Don't you understand the value of practice? He's on a higher level team this year! They are learning how to pitch! Also, the bonding with the teammates before the season! Not feeling like he's the only one who doesn't know..." I was beyond livid. Beyond. X responds: "I think I know more about sports than you do." I scream "Then put it into action!" and hang up. Luckily I hung up before he heard the string of epithets that came out of my mouth. J heard them, though.

I could not move for a good ten minutes. Just sat there with my hands over my face. J comforted me. We will buy him a mitt, we will practice next weekend. I'll take him to a batting cage. It'll be ok. We'll make sure he gets to all his games. But J is also baffled. He kept saying "Baseball practice was such a great bonding time for me and my dad..." and "But this is what you do? This is what parents do. I drove my girls all over the place. I didn't sleep late for 20 years!"

I'm thinking... what if I try for sole custody? But then what would that do to/for the kids? They like being with their dad. They love it. They love him. He (in his strange, selfish way) loves them. I can't really do it.

I resolve to (try to) not have any expectations of X at all. I resolve to (try to) not get upset when these things happen. But then I think.... what does that do to me if I'm not phased by this? Isn't it better that I still have some standards? I'm not sure I can suspend all expectations I have for my children's father. Not sure at all.