I woke up (and I only JUST woke up - am drinking my coffee now...) feeling all discombobulated. I feel really.... I guess... weak. I gave in to X far too easily and the worst thing about it is how it impacts so many other people. My parents have to schlep out here at 8 at night, I lose a night alone with J, and even though X might not really care - my kids lose a night with him.

The only way I can explain/rationalize it to myself... is that all the stuff of the past month has taken a bit of a psychic toll. I want my kids where I can see them. Safe. And when X started to say how the place was going to be all a shambles, no bed, no tv.. and even though I said to X "That's not a problem. They're kids. Give them a few blankets to sleep on & they can deal with one night without tv..." It made me too anxious... the idea of the kids in that chaos made me too anxious. And I let it.

But now I just feel like a fool. I sucked everybody into my anxiety.

And this whole thing with J talking to X -- makes me crazy. I'm not sure why. And that's absolutely something I need to figure out. Because like Heidi says in the comment below - it's really ok. (As is her comment! ) It's more than ok. But still. Sends waves of anxiety through my stomach when I think of it.

Gah! Sometimes I think I just think too much & just need to let stuff BE.

BUT - on another note. Get this: Last night the guy came to deliver my laundry. He picks it up on Mondays and brings it back on Tuesdays. It's my little treat to myself. To allow myself a weekend. He's a young guy & seems to get a kick out of coming by, seeing the kids (they've brought him in & showed him their gerbil...) etc. So I pay him & give him his tip & he leaves.

Door bell rings. He has $20 for me. I gave him a $25 tip instead of the usual $5 (it's a heavy bag.) So, he gave me back the $20 (thank you!!!). Max grabbed the $20 & ran away yelling "I'm rich, I'm rich!" I say goodnight to the laundry guy (John), shut the door and call after Max "You give that back!"

Door bell rings again. John is back. He has $5 that he gives to Max. Then he takes out his wallet and gives $5 to Nathan. I'm standing there open mouthed. I'm like -- you know, this is an awful lot of money for them! He's all "It's ok. It's nothing! Guys! You just listen to your mom, ok?" And leaves.

!!!!!! What was that?!? What just happened?!?

ETA - From my "hero" (J): "Wanting to keep your kids isnt really selfish - he's had multiple opportunities throughout this crises to step up - at each and EVERY point he has not. Nothing else to really say." Yeah. That's my boyfriend. I love him.