I think I need to start meditating...

(And you know, I almost started to write medicating... which might be ok, too...)

Thursday was parent teacher conference day. I met X & the boys at the school and we all went. The kids got good reports & I was really happy. Max's got amazing scores in reading, and his teacher recognizes that he knows his math - just makes silly mistakes. (Apparently all the boys just want to get their quizzes in first - not caring what the answers are!!) And Nathan's teacher said he's right on track. She showed us how he reads, and also said that he's not as timid with his friends, but is very timid with her.

As we leave X says to me: "What do you think about Nathan's reading. Or lack of it?"

I mention how he's just in his first year of school. But X doesn't hear.

X says: "I think Nathan is so timid because you coddle him. I saw you kiss him after he read that page! You treat him like a baby, that's why he's so timid!" I respond that I think Nathan is so timid - so afraid to make mistakes - because X is so critical.

X states that he is NOT critical. (This is the same man who said to me: "I think Max will do just fine on the gifted test, but I think Nathan will have troubles & maybe should not even do it.") I say that all I ever hear from X about Nathan is critical -- and that while he might not say it directly to Nathan... this is how he feels & this is what he picks up.

X scoffs.

I know I can't even say anything to him, because he won't take it in. He'll say: "I'm just saying it because it's true. I have to speak the truth." He has personality disorder. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a psychiatrist. But I know. Everything around him has to be perfect.

I get so angry at him. So angry. And there's no where to go with it. Friday morning he called. He had the kids - Max's stomach was hurting. I said to give him some pepto or mylanta... He doesn't have. I told him 20 times, in 20 different ways to get it. He didn't. So Max suffers. I say he has to go to school. X says he won't get out of bed. I say he will. Just slowly. I say: "Now you know what I go through every morning." He curses at me and hangs up.

I realize again that the no expectations has to extend to the fact that he will not buy or purchase anything for the boys. If I want them to have these things, I'm going to have to buy them. (I've decided that I'm going to give him a bag of kids' medications for Father's Day.)

So I really have to try to reset my mind. To have no expectations at all. I can't let him get me upset over things that he just will not do. He cannot do. It does no good.

But I still have all the anger. And even if I buy him the meds for the kids, he'll keep saying those things about them. That I can't change.

And the anger that is just starting to sit in my stomach is, at times, overwhelming. I have no where to go with it.

I blog it.

I talk to my shrink about it.

I tell everybody I can about it. I have to get it out.

But I'm starting to think that maybe some sort of meditation.. some way to calm myself down... might be a good idea.

I really just hate him.

I am realizing that I never feel more like a single parent; that I never feel more alone than when one of my kids is sick.

We brought Max to the Pediatric GI specialist on Monday. She took some blood (celiac, crohns, etc) but pretty much said that she thought it was just that his system hadn't gotten back in synch from a past stomach virus. She suggested accidopholous. She said he could go back to school.

I spent most of Tuesday fighting with the school nurse who said to me: "But he wants to go home." To which I replied: "Don't most kids?" I mean, really!?!?! She told him he should be home. She told him I should take him to the doctor. She told him he shouldn't go to Hebrew School that evening. (Hey, maybe she's working for X!!!) The fact that I told her that I've already taken him to THREE doctors (one a SPECIALIST) didn't really seem to.... well... sink in.

And Oh - Monday? The day after X told me that Nathan had a headache? He was home sick. Fever and a cough. He was home Tuesday, too -with 103/104 fever. (He gets high fevers.)

Today? After fighting with Max all day Tuesday and Tuesday night? He wakes up with a temperature of 101. Nathan? Fine. Max's temperature went up to 102 & I just walked by his room & heard him moaning. Which is what caused me to come over here.

I hate this part. I hate not ever being sure. I'm not sure if this is a universal parent thing, or just me... but honestly... my mind just goes to the absolute WORST place. Worst. Like TV Movie of the Week stuff.

J says "For somebody who usually has such good judgement.... with this... well....I'm not so sure" And I know. I can't handle it. I do the inside panic. I keep a very very tenuous grasp on logic and reality... and start slipping off to comas, wheelchairs, amputated limbs.... ("Yes, I know it just started with a fever and a cough... but then it suddenly escalated! And! And! 911 was called. Oxygen administered! And now... we wait... in the ICU to see what happens....")

Should I go into script writing?

I'm making a joke about this because part of me does realize how crazy it is. But the other part... and being here by myself and suffering through it... just sucks.

(And lets not even go into the single parent logistical contortions I have to do with one kid sick & the other one well... bus stops.. parties...)

(And let's also not talk about X not able to come tomorrow & me being late again to work.)

Nope. Let's not.

I'll save it for another time. I hear Max whimpering...

Tell me this never happens to you!

The other night. At J's house. We both woke up for some reason at about 3 am. As we were both drifting back to sleep all of a sudden I said: "The orange! You have to remind me!"

He was, understandably, confused. Orange?

"YES! Behind my couch! It's been there for a week! I keep forgetting! It's going to rot and smell! You HAVE to remind me!"

And I fell back to sleep.

He told me about it the next morning, totally amused. I choose to see it as maximizing my resources and making sure I get the task done.

It's now in the garbage.

So, since about Friday I've been feeling all my tension in my stomach. That has never happened before. Ahhh, the mother child connection. A wonderful thing.

Sooo... where do I begin with this? Max had little league practice on Saturday. Saturday morning. At 9 am. The kids were with X for the weekend. I had initially thought both kids had practice - at the same time - so scrambled around to figure out how we could make that work. Because X had the kids and I hold absolutely NO illusions that he would worry about this. I spoke to a woman who lives in my building. Her husband is Max's coach, the boys are friends. She said that they would drive to Sunnyside and pick Max up. He had already missed one practice & she said there was no reason for him to miss another.

It ended up that Nathan's practice was cancelled - so only once child to one practice. The offer still stood for Max to get a ride, but I told my neighbors that I'd check with X. It's only one child... but then you never know with ole' X....

Spoke to X the Friday before. Asked him. He responded absolutely affirmatively. Yes. He will take Max. It's at a location that is easily accessible. I reminded him that Max COULD get a ride.. but he said he WOULD take him.

You know where this is going, right?

Sunday morning X calls me up. "Nathan has a headache and his leg hurts." (Ummm... so you're calling me why?) I ask: Does he have fever? Does he seem lethargic? Has he been eating? X responds with: "I didn't call you to be interrogated." Still in relatively good humor I respond that I was NOT interrogating, but asking the normal questions a person asks when a child is not feeling well. That there are certain ways you can assess how sick a child really is. I told him to give Nathan some children's Tylenol & take his temperature. (Realizing the whole time that the reason he called me up was for me to say "He's sick? Ok, I'll pick the kids up earlier. I'll deal with it.") I asked how Max had been - he said fine. No complaints all weekend. I asked about practice... (wait for it... wait for it.....) No. They did not go.

I saw red. WHY?!?!? He could have gotten a ride there if you didn't want to take him! He's only made one practice because you didn't take him to the first, and the only reason he made it to the 2nd practice was J went out at SIX AM to get his parents' car to take him!!! X responded that Max's stomach was "sore" so they didn't go. Ummm.. then HOW COME YOU TOLD ME HIS STOMACH HAD BEEN FINE?!? I said, that really - if his stomach had been sore that when I asked he would have said "It was sore on Saturday morning & we didn't go to practice...." I laced into him: "Don't you understand the value of practice? He's on a higher level team this year! They are learning how to pitch! Also, the bonding with the teammates before the season! Not feeling like he's the only one who doesn't know..." I was beyond livid. Beyond. X responds: "I think I know more about sports than you do." I scream "Then put it into action!" and hang up. Luckily I hung up before he heard the string of epithets that came out of my mouth. J heard them, though.

I could not move for a good ten minutes. Just sat there with my hands over my face. J comforted me. We will buy him a mitt, we will practice next weekend. I'll take him to a batting cage. It'll be ok. We'll make sure he gets to all his games. But J is also baffled. He kept saying "Baseball practice was such a great bonding time for me and my dad..." and "But this is what you do? This is what parents do. I drove my girls all over the place. I didn't sleep late for 20 years!"

I'm thinking... what if I try for sole custody? But then what would that do to/for the kids? They like being with their dad. They love it. They love him. He (in his strange, selfish way) loves them. I can't really do it.

I resolve to (try to) not have any expectations of X at all. I resolve to (try to) not get upset when these things happen. But then I think.... what does that do to me if I'm not phased by this? Isn't it better that I still have some standards? I'm not sure I can suspend all expectations I have for my children's father. Not sure at all.

Just Take. The. Time.

That's what my boss said to me about a half hour ago. "You have the time. Take it. Resolve this." (Not in a mean way, more in a I can see how this is wearing on you way...)

And it is.

The school nurse called again today. Max came to her office & she said that he "seems to be in real pain." More than other times. She was like: "I understand you want to wait, but you really should get this checked." I explained that I was at work, could not leave right away, and that it would take me about an hour in travel time. I also said that I would call my sitter - to see if she could get there before me.

I check my work voice mail - a message from Max's teacher. She NEVER calls. Max seems really uncomfortable. In pain. She's been watching and doesn't think there's anything bothering him. "I understand that you want to wait, but you really should get this checked."

I fly out of work in a near panic, visualizing him crying for me... in an ambulance.... on his way to the hospital for an emergency stomachache-ectomy! Or some such immediate emergency procedure that can't wait for me to return! Of course! There I am, on the subway.. unable to be reached by cell phone. I don't know if I can really explain that feeling... knowing your child could be in possible distress - that this is the fastest way to get to him - and being totally out of contact. (And yes, I know, this is how it was before cell phones.. but allow me my moment of drama!)

I call a friend who lives in my building. She is conveniently (for me) out of work. She picked up Max. You know, my sitter is very competent.. but I just felt better having him with a MOM. (Ok, a Dad would have been ok, too...)

I pick him up. He's fine. Hungry. "My stomach hurts a little..."

I talk to my boss. She was very nice. "Soo..... You really should have that checked, you know?"

All these people, of course, want this resolved. As do I. But I was hoping to be able to do it in the least invasive way possible...

I left a message for the Dr. (about 4 hours ago! Why haven't they called me back yet?!?!) and I guess I'll just see.....

A Fake Ache?

Max's stomach still hurts. I kept him home Monday & took him to the Dr. Again. We saw another Dr in the practice who was a bit... errr... surprised that the first doctor had prescribed the Belladonna/Phenobarb. She said that it might actually have messed him up even more.

That's just dandy.

She could find nothing wrong so told Max he had to go to school, to go to the nurse only "if he's dying" and told me to give him some fiber. She said that if it's still hurting in 3-4 days then we'll start the tests.

Monday evening it was HELL here. Max was screaming in pain. I nearly brought him to the ER, but called my friend H who talked me down. She was like "does he look like he's in pain?" I look over at my ruddy faced boy who is pouring through his Pokemon cards. He's not pale. He's not sweating. He's not doubled over.

I don't doubt that he's feeling something. I believe him. BUT - I also think that he is VERY good at the drama...

And also - he keeps saying "I don't want to go to school! Mom, I think you're making a Very Bad Decision to send me to school!" (Yeah, well kid - it wouldn't be the first and it won't be the last!)

It's hard to keep that level head in the midst of all the sturm and drang. And it's hard to prevent the What If's from sneaking into your brain. What If it's something bad? What If it REALLY DOES hurt him that much and you're just ignoring it? What If his appendix just BURSTS and you have to clean burst appendix off the couch?

He goes to sleep & sleeps through the night. The next morning X phones to find out how he is. He asks Max about this boy at the bus stop. It seems X had noticed that this boy hadn't been to nice to Max. X has keen bully radar. I never noticed. It turns out this boy pushes Max, calls him names, and "uses bad words." He's in 4th grade.

I told Max I'd write a note to the teacher. And, for a little while, he seemed ok & I thought I had the problem solved. For a little while (it was good while it lasted) - then he was back again.

Sent him to school - at about 10:30 the nurse calls. I explain. She says ok, he "doesn't look sick" so we won't send him home. She freaks out about the Belladonna... (Join the club!)

Teacher calls - Max is doing fine at school, will get great report card, and is also doing very well socially. She can't think of anything that could be bothering him. Great. I mean, if he had been having problems then MY problem would be solved. But no. He has to be all well adjusted and smart. Just my luck!

He makes it through the day. Goes to Nurse three times, but she doesn't call me. He goes to Hebrew School. His stomach is STILL hurting tonight.

I'm just at a friggin' loss.

If it's still hurting by Thursday I guess I'll take him in for tests.

Tell me - does it ever happen that a person (doesn't have to be me, although that sure would be nice...) gets one month of calmness? No events? I have realized, in my old age, that nobody has the perfect life. Everybody has their "stuff" -- but damn! I'd even take two weeks!

THIS is the part of parenting that I hate

Max has a stomach ache. No other symptoms. Just. A. Stomach Ache. It has been pretty much been going on since last week - but more constant now. And the difficult thing is, the no other symptoms part. If there was fever: a virus. Vomiting? A virus. This? Nothing. He's fine otherwise.

And when my son has a stomach ache does he suffer quietly? Does he moan, quietly, in his room? Right. You know he doesn't. "MOM! It hurts!" (Yeah. That's what stomach aches do.) "MOM! I have a stomach ache?" (Really? You have a stomach ache? I had no idea!!!) "MOM!!!!" (Yeah. That's what they call me.)

Sympathy just oozes from my pores. I know.

But seriously. He's had this for a few days with no other symptoms. (Did I mention that already?) And yes, everybody asks: He's "regular." And I've tried to find out if something is wrong @ school... or something - but he claims not. And he's a talker, he's not much for keeping things in (he's like me - probably be set up with his own blog in a year or so!) so I don't think that it's stress, or something like that.

And, I believe him. I don't think it's a ploy.

We stayed home from school/work on Wednesday & I brought him to the Dr. Dr felt for appendicitis, felt for "masses" (thanks, Doc - my mind didn't even GO to that place - so thanks for giving me something else to worry about!) etc. There was nothing obviously wrong. He asked a bit about diet & bathroom habits. Then he said that he was going to prescribe a "muscle relaxant" - that's been around since he was a kid. Fine. I asked if it would make him drowsy, he said probably not - "at this dose."

I get home from drug store. Open the bag. See the name of the medication on the bottle: "Belladonna/Phenobarbitol" !!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't Belladonna that, like, poisonous plant? And phenobarbitol... a BARBITUATE! For my little boy?!?!? I couldn't bring myself to give it to him. I felt it was like shooting a rabbit with an uzi (or something like that.)

So I figured - let me really really watch his diet. Keep it clean. Have him eat only very bland foods & see what happens. He goes to X's Wed night. I tell X - "Bland foods" He was going to take them for pizza. I say: "Bland foods" He gives Max soft boiled egg. With pepper. I say "Bland foods" he gives Max bologna with mayo for lunch.

Yep.

And oh. Max's stomach was hurting after breakfast at X's. X tells him "you're going to school - tell the nurse." So, who gets the call at work? After a day of missing work? Right. Luckily it was late enough in the day that the sitter was able to go over & pick Max up... otherwise I would have had to leave & miss more work.

I call X to ask him why he sent Max to school. He said Max was "bullshitting." That he's "not really sick." And I was all: "And that's not really the school nurse calling me to pick him up, either." I explained in very well thought out words why he cannot send a child who is yelling and screaming with a stomach ache to school. AND - (because I know X gave this so much thought) how it impacted ME. I touched on the bologna & the bland food issue, too... but talking to a brick wall isn't my favorite thing to do.

Gah!

So I gave Max the (evil) med last night & am keeping him home today. Dr. said to call two days after he's on the med to see what's what. If it still hurts he's going to have to go for "tests" etc.

BUT, BUT, BUT!!! Big news! For the First. Time. EVER my parents are taking the kids overnight!!! Tonight! There is a Walter Wick (I Spy Books) exhibit at a museum near their house & they want to take them... so they're picking them up after school... And the kids are willing to do it! (The mention of Pokemon cards had absolutely NOTHING to do with that! I promise you!) So, we'll see. They might keep them the whole weekend... but we'll see how it goes.

So that part's ok.

My 400th Post!

Yep. Scary, isn't it. Of course some aren't real "posts" some are articles, videos, etc, etc.... so I think we can chop a good 25 or so off the number. So I'll get back to you when it's 425.

Hmm... that was entertaining, wasn't it?

Question: When does a divorced mother have a weekend with out her kids and yet spend most of her days with them? Answer: When she is divorced from X.

Well, honestly, to be fair I don't know that he could have done this without me. And J. Both boys had Little League practice on Saturday. In two different places. (X didn't take Nathan to the one the week before... don't ask....) So I offered X for J & I to take Max to his practice & X take Nathan. Then Sunday Nathan was invited to a birthday party out on Long Island... X doesn't have a car... and I knew he would not bother himself to find somebody to give them a ride. SO - J once again generously helped. We took Nathan to the party.

And yeah, well, I realized something about myself. When I was with X I was always bothered how he never did anything for me. It was all about him. And when we split, and I was dating again one thing I put in my JDate profile was that I was looking for somebody who would "think of me as much and as often as he thinks of himself."

So I found J. Who is wonderful. Who is thoughtful. Who totally went out of his way, got up earlier, drove many more miles for me. For my kids. And it made me crazy. I felt so badly. So guilty. I was taking up his time. I using up his gas. He was forced to go to a party for five year olds... how awful for him. He didn't get to sleep late.... I can go on, but I'm sure you get the gist.

Issues much?

Gah! So we kind of talked about it & he was like "ummm... this is what we do for each other..." And I KNOW that.. but I don't. (You know, that dichotomy thing mentioned in the previous "I'm so neurotic" post. Should tag these things...) He even point blank said to me: "I will tell you if/when it's too much. It's not. Don't worry."

Ahhh.... I can hear my shrink: "We have lots of work to do, here, young grasshopper..."

And sometimes, I am just -- Without Words

The other morning Nathan said to me: "Mom, I saw you naked. I saw you when you were getting dressed!"

So, being the mature mother that I am, having read all the parenting books & knowing that this is what kids do - I responded: "And what did you think?"

And he responded: "It was beautiful."

........

My kids. Well. They just leave me without words.

So sad...

I've mentioned before - either in this blog or in my old one - about a woman who lives in my building. She is a single mom and has a daughter the same age as Max. This woman has no boundaries. She says horribly innappropriate things. All the time.

Lately we've been on the same morning schedule. We all bump into each other in the elevator. For some reason I have offended her & she has been pointedly ignoring me. Which is fine. Except that a few weeks ago it kinda freaked out my kids as I was YELLING to get her to answer a question as to whether the bus has come or not. Imagine: She is about 10 feet away from me. I am asking her a question. SHe does not answer. I should have left it alone, simply because my kids were there -- but I didn't want to have to walk to the bus if I didn't have to... so I was just asking if it had already come... and she ignored me. Absolutely and totally.

At the bus stop all the kids play together. Tag. Hide and Seek. Except for her daughter. She keeps her close to her. THe other day, it was raining & she just said "The other kids will get sick, you stay with me under the umbrella..." the little girl looks out at the other kids & just watches them all have fun.

One time X brought the kids to the bus stop & he called me. He could not believe this woman. She came up to him: "I hear you're getting remarried. YOur old marriage was so bad you have to get married again so quickly?" He responded that his other marriage was not SO bad & that we have been apart about 4 years... He was freaked out. He quickly moved away from her.

Other times, when she used to talk to me, she would express how worried she was that she would lose her job - because she had to bring her daughter to the bus stop. And how horrible it would be if she lost her job. And how horribly difficult it is to get ready in the morning & get herself out to work. ALl on her own. (And yes, oh how I want to say: "but you only have ONE! I have TWO! And somehow I manage.." but I know that would not really help at all.) But imagine her daughter being there? Hearing all this? Hearing what a horrible burden she is, and how her mother might lose her job - because of her?

This morning I, again, bumped into them on the elevator. The kids were with X so I was by myself. I smiled. Mentioned again how we're on the same schedule. She starts muttering... "It's so hard. So hard being a single mom. YOu know how it is. He's so awful. I'd take him to court but it would stress me out so much I'd get a heart attack. I don't want to get a heart attack. YOu're lucky - you have it so good! Can you imagine, her father didn't call her for Valentines Day! What sort of father is that?"

I look over at the girl... my heart breaking that she has to hear all this... "But you had a good day anyhow, didn't you?" I say. Her mother responds: "Of course she did! I'm a good mother!"

But... um... she's not. I've been thinking about this all morning. I think about it a lot, actually. Because if you see physical abuse there is something you can do - somebody to call... but really. What can I do here. This is abuse. The way she is in front of this girl. The things she shares with her.

That poor girl. It just breaks my heart.

Nathan to me as we are standing wedged in the corner of a crowded train from Manhattan to Forest Hills: (Apropos, I must add - to absolutely nothing)

"Mom. I don't think the Pacifier Fairy took my pacifiers. I think you did. I think you took them and threw them out!"

To which I respond that I most certainly did NOT.

Max: Mom! You're smiling! That means you're lying!! And what about the Tooth Fairy! I know that's you! Tell me! How come you have all the teeth if you're not the tooth fairy?!?

How do people do this? How do you keep up the pretense? I'm, like, smiling from ear to ear now - trying to keep from laughing. I put on my mad face: "This is NOT the place to talk about this now! Let's talk about it later!" In the hopes that they will forget.

They did.

Great moments in parenting.

(And why is spell check not working?)

Just stuff...

So I was talking to X, asking him about his summer plans - so I could figure out the boys' camp schedule & I said "My mom told me that [your fiance] said that you guys are getting married end of August, right?" To which X replies.... "Well, nothing is concrete yet." Huh? So your fiance spent most of Nathan's party talking about this wedding... mentioned inviting us, your family & "nothing is concrete yet?" I didn't say that. I DID say: "Oh. Well. Ok. This is your thing." Oh my. That poor woman.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I have political arguments with my son. Max is very pro-Obama. And while I'm not against him, I just feel a bit more comfortable with Hilary. I feel like she's just been around a bit more - but I would most definitely be very very happy with Obama as our President.. When I ask Max why he wants Obama he says: "Well, I feel that Hilary will just be a copy of Bill. She won't have her own ideas." (I asked X if he's said this & he claims that he hasn't.) Today I said to Max: "Ok, you have only given me anti-Hilary reasons. Give me a Pro-Obama reason. Why should you/I vote for him - not why NOT TO vote for Hilary." And he said "Well, it would be cool to have the first African American president. And he seems like a nice guy."

You know - not such bad reasons.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The boys told me that their old sitter - the Brazilian one - watched them when they went to the bathroom. They told me this morning. Stopped me dead in my tracks. Apparently she would, on occasion, open the bathroom door when they were in there & tease them. I don't think it happened a lot. But enough. Enough for them to say to me that she did this. Enough for them to feel like that is what she WAS doing, even if it was innocently to check to make sure they were ok. I asked if she ever touched their privates - they said no. I (oh so VERY firmly) told them that if this EVER happens again with ANYBODY that they were to tell me - because how could I help them if I don't know.

Oy.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I'm starting Nutri-System. Again. You know, I lost all this weight over the summer... but the stress started in Sept - and now I'm the heaviest I think I've ever been - (barring pregnancy.) It's scary. I don't know if it's this age thing, or what - but I'm finding it really difficult to lose. Or even not to gain! I started with Weight Watchers.. but you know - I need more structure. Nutri-System was so good because not only does it give you the exact meals. but it has a check list for breakfast/lunch/dinner & two snacks. So you know exactly what to eat. When. I need it like that. I have too many other things on my mind... this has to be easy. So, I should get the box o'food sometime within the next week or so... I'll keep ya' posted.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

All About Superheroes

Sorry to overwhelm you guys with this.... it's just that he's been talking about this "Chapter Book" that he's been writing at school and I hadn't seen it yet. I never knew he had this sort of humor!! It's a riot! He actually told me he wants to be an author, he's enjoying writing this so much -- and apparently his classmates wait eagerly for each new installment!!

From our last adventure we saw weird people. But now we have a weird enemy. We don't no his name yet so you will have to read the story.

Well back to Robert and his store Westine fired herself because she didn't have enough chips but she will find another job. Robert was in his store lieing down.... Then a strange guy said "Wa ha! ha! ha!! I am professor weirdo fear me" Robert laughed then he got pushed out of nowhere it was Tommy and Matthew!

Well Tommy wasn't fat anymore well from our last adventure he was well we shouldn't tell you about it because you will cry with laughter well back to the mission. Tommy said this that really annoyed Matthew "I am a super boy" but then Matthew said this: "We are not super hero's ok OK!" Now really really back to the mission!

Well remember David Z shnack he came back from light saber school and said this "The force is kind of what! ga! ga!" he slipped on a banana peal like that was any help. Well back to light saber wa! ga! ga! now I slipped on a banana peal. Professor weirdo has a plan to wa! ga! ga! Why does everybody say that whoever made this story should not do that. Wa! ga! ga! Wa! ga! ga! Stop writing that word.

Well your messing with the wrong Robert because Robert no's kung-fu and choped professor weirdo's arm off and the gang and he saves the day.

The end.

Wait one minute mister Tommy and Matthew are supposed to save the day wait don't stop reading Nooooooooooo!

Well after Robert chopped Professor weirdo's arm off he broke his arm to because his arm was made of steel but he still broke Professor Weirdo's arm. Wa! ga! ga! Security! Get this banana peal... howly cow! Get the tenmillion bannana peals out of hear!

haaaa Tommy look a mouse in a cape? Well Professor Weirdo wasn't looking for Robert he was looking for this mouse superhero.

To be continued...

Fat Brothers Chapter 2

(I told you there'd be more!) (I don't know where he got this Fat Stuff...although I have an inkling of an idea. It's a bit distressing.. but I have to say this is pretty funny!)

One day Tommy was walking by C.V.S. he saw chips guess what he did...

He did a robery!!! Robert the manager and his wife Westine chased after Tommy. Kartikay a young boy said to tommy "what's the matter with you"

Tommy just ignored it then Kartikay and Robert said "just let him have the chips we already have many more."

Matthew said "what's the matter." Robert said this "your brother stole the chips in my store." In a loud voice. They just went home.

Not again! When Tommy ate the chips he turned fat again! Ah!

You fataball stop reading my story! This goes to you mom. just kidding. go on!

The Fat Brothers

Chapter one of Max's Fat Brothers Story. More to Follow.(Transcribed exactly as written.)

"One day there were two brothers named Matthew and Tommy. Matthew wasso inteligent that he skiped from first grade to college! Tommy was lazy and ate 30 bags of cheetos! That's how he was the fatest. And he didn't no anything.
A year passed now Matthew wasn't fat he was very skiny and he pasedcollege at age four!!!!! you would think he graduated college at agetwenty one well he didn't so here comes the exciting part so listenup! Tommy will soon learn that being fat is bad and it's a big problem! Matthew's two best friend's Max and Kevin push Tommy and he starts rolling in the street!
And then!.... "A car will smack into tommy what will I do?" I can't think I know I"m very smart but I just can't!! But then horray! he's not fat when the car smacked him he wasn't fat. Life is better when your not fat.

Jewish Law - Articles ("The Right to Die: A Halachic Approach")

Jewish Law - Articles ("The Right to Die: A Halachic Approach")

I have a client with no family. Who might be destined to spend the rest of his life with a tracheostomy and a collar. Unable to talk. Attached to a bed. His Power of Attorney (friend) will probably go talk to a rabbi to see what sort of decision to make (even though the client himself is not really religious...) so I looked up what Jewish Law says about The Right To Die.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

But I was.

GET HEALTH CARE PROXIES, PEOPLE! I cannot emphazise enough! Living Wills are not as good as proxies. If you have strong feelings about what you want - either being kept alive by any means necessary, or "pulling the plug" this needs to be IN WRITING. A proxy does not need to be done with an attorney - just two witnesses. You can get them on line.

Do it - I'm going to.

You just never REALLY know yourself, do you?

Today is Nathan's 6th birthday. We celebrated it with a bowling party on Saturday and a small family party at my parents' house on Sunday. The bowling party was nice. There were about eight boys and their parents, our old sitter, plus the new(ish) 16 year old and her siblings. Plus X and his fiance. And J and his daughter. And my parents.

Nathan wore his black velvet blazer, that I got for TEN DOLLARS at Gymboree. (I had no idea if he'd wear it, but figured... $10? Why not? Now he wears it with black jeans and a navy turtleneck. We just need to get him some bling!)

And speaking of bling.... X's fiance was wearing her new engagement ring.

Siiiggghhh....

I feel that I need to preface this with: The following is not pretty. It sounds petty. It sounds gossipy. It just doesn't feel like who I am. I am not a materialistic person. I like jewelry, but honestly don't really wear that much. What I do have I just keep on all the time. I don't switch around. I put it on and just sleep with it on. MOther's day bracelet from the boys, necklace of two boys from my parents, A&J necklace from J & birthday present earrings from J. That's it.

When X Iand I got engaged we bought my ring at the flea market. It was a single pearl. He was new to the US, he was young, he had no money... and I did not care. It was what it stood for. The commitment. The love.

So X's fiance was wearing her new ring. I didn't really look, but what I saw looked beautiful. And big. My mom whispers in my ear: "Did you see her ring?" I told my mom: "Stop!"

But the cavalcade of feelings that rushed through me nearly knocked me off my feet....

He claims he has no money for the boys, and buys this?! When we got engaged he had no money and didn't try to get around it - just got me what he could afford. Either he loves her that much more than he loved me, or he has more and is just trying not to help. And what does that mean to me that he loves her now more than he loved me then? We are all different people. Maybe he does. I love J more than I loved him. But, but, look what he got her? How can he claim poverty? Does he love her more than he loves the boys?

And then:

What kind of person are you?

It was not so much jealousy that she got a ring and I haven't (from J). Not at all. And it wasn't feelings of "wow, now it's really over. He loves somebody else." It was more the shock of seeing that he spent money on her and he hasn't ever on anybody else. Not me. Not his kids. Money is so important to him... that I guess it has become his expression of love.

Well... so maybe that is jealousy.

J saw that I was upset. I told him. We go back to party stuff. Mingling. Then he comes back over. "I got the scoop on the ring! They bought it duty free in Puerto Rico & the quality is so bad... no way he spent more than $150."

And I felt better.

I keep trying to tell myself that I'm only human. That divorce, re-marriage, etc, etc, etc opens up new sets of feelings and things that you never thought you'd be exposed to... But I really feel so awful having those feelings... and seeing them in print is not any better. But there you go.

And, I also found out that we're going to be invited to their wedding. End of August. In Puerto Rico...

And, she's so sweet. I so want to warn her. To talk to her. And don't all chime in, I know I can't. (Maybe an anonymous letter?)

ETA - Yes, I know, most people write posts about their birthday child... but well, you guys know I love him. He's a great kid. Glad I had him - it was worth all that pushing and labor pains. Plays well with others. Doesn't inconvenience me too much. Does his homework. Works the farm. Pulls his own weight. Eats all he's supposed to. Loves his mom. Minds his P's and Q's. Eats an apple a day. Speaks when spoken to (Ha!). Keeps his messes to a minimum (double ha!).

A photo of the boys and their NZ Cuzzies. My ex-sister in law did some PhotoMagic and inserted the kids! I think it's so cool! You can actually see some family resemblance!
They've never really met each other... Max met the two older ones (in the back) when he was about 13 months old.

It's (almost) all good.

Well I can't say EVERYTHING is all good, can I?!

So, for the past few months I've been feeling... I don't know... self-conscious about my boys. They're too loud. They're too rambunctious. They don't listen. They're too aggressive. They don't sit still.... etc, etc, etc. I had been talking to my mom about why my parents don't take them so much and she said "well, we sometimes find them a little overwhelming..." and I was talking to J about them and he said "well, at times they're a little overwhelming..." and he also said his older daughter seems to find them a little ... say it with me... "overwhelming."

So ok. I guess at times they are.

But, on their behalf - my parents want my boys to be a certain way. They want to bring them to shows, and ballet performances, to sit on the couch and read with them... and well... the boys will like that for maybe 20 minutes... but then that would be enough.

And J - well, yes, he IS a boy... but he has girls. And all the kids in his family are girls. And his daughter has pretty much only seen my boys in small situations. Meaning, when they're in small spaces.. J's apartment, restaurants... two dynamos in a small space.. well sure: overwhelming.

They're loud. They like to light saber battle. They tease each other. They poke each other. They whine.

It culminated a few weeks ago with Max kicking Nathan in the eye. It was ok.. but we were a bit worried for a while.

So I started to feel self conscious about them. Hyper aware of their behavior. Also, I noticed that if they did something wrong one would say to the other "I'm going to tell Dad!" Dad!! Why not me?!? So I began to think that maybe I'm not strong enough. (Ok, I know I'm not.) I'm a push over. I'm willing to give second and even third chances....

I said to myself: BE STRONGER.

I mentioned this to my shrink. She said "well, maybe they say that because they feel safe with you, and they are so worried about how X will react... how he is with them.. that they don't want him to know." Yeah. Fine. Feeling safe is all very well and good... when you're raising heathens.

But then we got the new sitter. And you know what? They've been calmer. No joke. It was the same thing after we got the first -- the 16 year old. I would come home and there would just be this calm vibe in the house. And it's like that now. Again. Wow. Was that sitter SO unsettling to all of us?

And you know what else? Max said to me the other night "Mom, I'm nervous. I'm really nervous. I didn't bring home my homework for a few days and I'm afraid I'm going to get zeros on my report card. And I've been talking in class." So I said to him that only HE could fix it. That he could bring his books home and do the homework... and HE could stop talking. That I couldn't be the one to do anything... HE could.. but that it could probably be fixed before report cards came out. I wasn't mad, I just told him that if he's so worried.. that there was something he could do to fix the worry.

And he did it. He brought home all his books. He did all the extra homework. Plus he wrote an amazing book report (on the Beatles!!) in one night. Usually I have to push him.. but he motivated himself and did an amazing job.

And I thought...

Ok. It's ok that they feel safe with me. 'Cause you know what? He told me that he was scared. He told me what he had done wrong. What if he had been too afraid of my reaction and hadn't told me? At the risk of being overdramatic... it could have started a downward spiral that ends with reform school! (Do they still have reform schools? And yes, I know, very overdramatic... but you know what I mean.) And it gave me the opportunity to talk to him about it, and it gave him the opportunity to fix it and feel better. (He actually pumped his fist in the air and yelled "touchdown!")

And Nathan just got his first kindergarten report card. He pretty much got all threes (goes from one to four) and his teacher wrote that he's progressing nicely in all areas and (I love this part!) "Keep up the good work that you do with him at home. It shows!" It shows!

Can you see my ear to ear grin?

Siiigghhh... so I'm trying. I'm really trying to tell myself that I'm not a perfect parent. That maybe I'm not the best disciplinarian.. that maybe my kids do get a bit out of control at times... but I'm pretty ok at some things. And maybe that has to just be enough.

Who's Been Sleeping in my bed?

Every morning when I wake up I have to orient myself. Where am I? Am I at my house? J's house? Sometimes: At my parents' house? Then, who is in the bed with me? J? Max? Nathan? (Ok, Yes! They start off in their beds and end up in mine! I have many many mixed feelings about that & I'm trying to stop it & have them go back into their own beds... but well... it's kinda nice... ) Then, where are the kids? My place? X's place? Is J's daughter here? At his place? At her mom's place? Oy. Honestly, it's not easy. And sometimes there's a bit of panic. "Where are the kids? Why are they not here?" What day is it?" Back and forth, here and there, my place, J's place, my place, X's place.... I'm a little dizzy.

And did I mention that I bought a new overnight bag?

Yeah. I feel a little here and there and higgledy piggledy lately. And I'm kinda sorta starting to think that it's time for J and I to live together. (Ok. Truth. I've probably thought this for.. oh... the past 6 months, but this is the first time I've put it to paper.) And does J know this, you might ask? Well... I hinted. I eased my way into it. I oh so delicately asked: "SO! When are we going to move in together?" (You guys are impressed with my finesse, right?)

And we will. I know it. But I also know that I split with X before J split with his wife... and I know that he needs the time to set up his own space with his girls... and adjust. I know it. I totally know it. But don't you just hate how that logic part just keeps nudging away that inside part? The part that gets your mind stirring? That takes you to deep dark places? That makes you think It's Never Going to Happen, all is doomed, doomed, doomed? (And you tell me that stuff NEVER happens to you!)

Ugh. So, like the true schizophrenic that I am, the two Me's do battle. I want us living together. Yesterday. But I know he needs more time. The thing is, it's making me a wee bit edgy. I mean, you try to live with two you's doing battle inside your head! It would probably make you a little edgy, too! It's a challenge for the insecure me not to feel rejected. And it's a pleasure for the mature, logical me to feel so calm, cool and and understanding.

My shrink is all "You have your needs and it's important to not forget those" which I kinda did for ohhh... about seven years. And so I try to express them to J. And he knows. And I know he knows. But Gah! This whole relationship thing! Negotiating two peoples' needs! What's THAT all about?!? Me! Me!

Now I'm off to go sing the Aikin Drum song.