How to treat a bully

So, yesterday - as if the Hebrew School thing wasn't enough, X tells me that I should drop the kids off at his place in Sunnyside every other week. It's not fair, he says, his coming to me to pick them up. (Did I mention that he was the one who decided to move away?)

Usually, on the weekends he has the kids I go right to J's place in Manhattan - from my job (also in Manhattan). So, my doing that would mean schlepping back home, schlepping to Sunnyside... then back....

J was like: No. No way. You're not doing it... He doesn't abide by the rules, you don't. But how can I? I don't bring the kids, he doesn't come? Who suffers? Then he tells the kids "Mommy won't bring you... so I can't see you." I don't want to get into that. He only cares about himself - so he doesn't worry. I, on the other hand, have a bit more on my mind.

BUT - in saying that - I can't let him go blithely around doing whatever he wants. We have an agreement. We have certain standards of behavior.

He calls me up yesterday, yelling: "Max is going to Hebrew School on Tuesdays, too! That's crazy! I didn't agree to that! You never told me!" I told him exactly where and when I told him (because I remember him comparing it to a Muslim extremist Madras...) and then hung up on him.

J says to me: "You know, you don't have to tell him. It says in the agreement that he agrees to it. That he agrees to verbally support it. That's it. You don't have to ask him every time." AND he went on to say "Why do you even ask him when you do other things? Why include him?"

I made some sort of comment about co-parenting... and it being only right that he's included & J just looked at me. "Do you think X is a co-parent? Does he do anything besides play with the kids every other weekend & then can't wait to get them back to you Sundays? You do it all. You're the parent. He's only involved when there's money & even then he doesn't want to..."

And he's right. I'm still clinging to this image/idea of how we said it would be when we spilt. How he says he wants it to be. But he can't. He can only think about himself. He may talk to the talk, but he sure as shit doesn't walk the walk.

J's like - he's a bully. Just ignore him. Do what you want... And maybe he's right. And maybe I'll try... but I can't help but feel that two wrongs don't make a right, you know? And how can I expect certain behavior from him if I don't do it myself? And how can there be any standards?

I've left a message for a lawyer. We'll see what happens with that. Meanwhile I have to get through the rest of this month... Nathan's meds, Nathan's blood test, new sitter, new teachers, more homework, back to school clothes, shoes, haircuts, tennis lessons, play dates, kids who don't want to go to school, etc, etc, etc.

Is it Christmas break yet?

F**kin, F**k, F**k, F**k, F**K!!!!

So yeah. I'm a little.... how should I say it...? Irate? Frustrated? F**kin' pissed off? YEAH! That's it!

Those of you who know me back from the other blog know that a lot (a LOT) of it is the chronicle of my frustrations with X. Dealing with him missing his days with the kids, dealing with him not wanting to contribute to things for them, dealing with working out our divorce agreement, going to mediation, writing and re-writing that damn agreement until we both came up with something agreeable...dealing with his jabs, dealing with his crap, just dealing.

But, we worked it out. We hashed out an agreement & now we're divorced. And actually, things have been pretty calm. Pretty normal. But... this is X. I should have known it wouldn't last for long.

I sent him an email to let him know about stuff coming up for September: I'm having the kids two weekends in a row because of the Jewish High Holy Days, Max is signing up for tennis lessons, and his first day of Hebrew School is this Sunday.

X emails back: "I'm sorry but I can't do Hebrew school any more. It encroaches on my special time with the boys. I like going out with them-- doing different things, museums, playing at the park, dogs, etc. I am not going to do it anymore. I have little time with them: I'm not going to kill one of my two days with them because of Hebrew school. "

So I say to him: 1) This is in the agreement. Father will transport to Hebrew School two out of the three times he has them (I gave in that one. I said I'd come in from Manhattan, go to Sunnyside, pick them up, bring to Forest Hills, bring back to Sunnyside... because it's important. Because it's what you do...) 2) If you want to see them, if you want to spend any more time with them - all you have to do is ask. Get off work early & want to take them to dinner? Be my guest. Want to have them an extra weekend every once in a while? Be my guest.

He says: "I will take them two out of every three weeks. Just not on Saturday or Sundays. And I'm glad to support Jewish education; hence, I'm not protesting them taking the two weeks for Yom Kippar or Rosha Shanna. I'm sorry but I refuse to give up my time with the children. It is easy for you since you have them 24 x 7. Not for me. "

Again I repeat that it is in the agreement. We talked about all this before. We hashed it out before. Spent money on a mediator, had it put in the agreement... he can't do this now!

He says: "I disagree. We discussed from a cost perspective.... Also, it is tough for me to see the boys beyond the weekends. I have a job that requires a lot of responsibility that pays your/boys' rent-- and I often stay at work until about 6 pm. So that is nonsense. I can't let you kill the precious time that I have with my sons. It is not good for me, nor them."

I point him to the exact section on our signed agreement.

He says: "I disagree. And I can't believe you would want to deny your children time with their father. In year's to come, the boy's will cherish the greater time they spent with their father... (their attitude to Hebrew school will be like you and your sister's...ho-hum) You are denying me of my fundamental right as a father. I won't stand by idly..."

So, I contact the mediator & she says that he is in violation of the agreement.

So? What do I do? Do I tell this poor, poor man who sometimes has to work 'til 6:00 pm & thus cannot take his kids out for dinner? Or see them an extra weekend? Or? Remember when he was eating down the street from them? And didn't want to see them because he was in "friends mode"? Do I tell him it's ok? It's in the agreement, but it's ok. They'll miss every other week of the Hebrew School that I paid for? On my own - because you won't contribute?

And I said to him - Ok - let's say you won't bring him -- but at least bring him to the first! This Sunday! It's important to go to the first class, so you learn what's going to happen, everybody is introduced... etc, etc.

He said no. So selfish.

I'm just so, fucking, fucking pissed off. I mean, I don't want to get a lawyer. It seems so silly - for just this. But I hate that he gets away with this!! I mean, what is the sense of an agreement then?!?

And I know plenty plenty of families where the parents do not agree about religious education - but then present a united front to the kids. Because that's what you do. And even if you're divorced, in theory - and according to what X says he believes - that is what you do.

So, I have to decide if I'm really going to fight this...and if fighting it means going to court? And does that mean involving the kids? Or swallow my anger and just let it go. Max will miss every other Sunday. I"ll take him Tuesdays and the other Sundays. I'm not going to involve the kids. i won't.

Guess I'll end up sucking it up. But man, sometimes I just want to put a hit out on that guy.

A cavalcade of Feelings

Last night as I was putting the kids to sleep I looked at them and thought "Oh, my boys.... it's going to be so long until I put you to sleep again..." Then I smacked myself on the side of the head. (Maudlin or overdramatic much?)

Yep - kids are going to X's from tonight until Sunday. But I've written that before, haven't I? Can you tell the Overwhelming Thoughts I've been plagued with?!?

It's funny, when X first moved out and had the kids at his place - or even when he first moved out & we weren't even doing the the kids overnight - he'd just come over to be with them & I'd go out for a bit.... I loved it. I craved it! Me time! Alone time! I can go to a movie! I can shop! I can sit and stare into space and nobody will come over and poke me in the eye!! (And yes, when X & I first split it was right at graduation from grad school, the kids were 2 $ 4 & there was considerably more stress and strain in my life - that's for sure.)

But somewhere along the track it's kind of changed.

Don't get me wrong - I love the time to myself -- two weeks of single parenting at a time is enough. We're pretty worn out of each other, honestly. When the kids come back after a weekend away I always notice how we look at each other differently. We all need the break. (Yes, I am recognizing that by the the end of the 2nd week I may have become intolerable to them & they need a break from me, too!) But the fact that he only has them four nights a month is also enough.

But, the fact is - we've become a strong family unit. The three of us. We have our routines, our inside jokes, our "family cuddles" - and we're a threesome. (And for the record I wanted that photo down here, but somehow it ended up there & I'm just too peeved to move it.)

Ok - so let me get to the point. It used to be so cut & dried. X takes the kids & Hurray! Me time! Time with J! Alone! And now.... well.... I miss them. And this isn't just for two nights - it's for FIVE! FIVE NIGHTS! DO YOU REALIZE THAT?!?!?! ALMOST A WEEK!!!!!

Although how psyched am I that I have time to finally get my hair cut!

I'm a Rock Star!!!

So. Guys. Did you all get a load of how many comments I have? Come on. Count them! I'll wait.

Uh huh - at least four, right?!?

Can you see the huge grin on my face? I'm sure if you try, you can imagine it! I tell you guys, if you too want FOUR COMMENTS on your blog (and stat counter says 17 people! 17!!!!!) alls you have to do is comment yourself.

It's a whole new world.

(Cracking myself up.)

Kids are going to X's starting tomorrow. I'm so anxious.... not so happy to think of them being with somebody who wants them to "fear" him. Ugh. Strange to me that they love him. I guess that's pretty common with divorced couples.... I mean - I loved him once, so there has to be something loveable, right? Nathan just said: "When I'm with you I miss Daddy, and when I'm with Daddy I miss you. Why don't you live together?" Just when I think I've explained that for the last time... each time they grow, learn, develop a bit more they ask it again.

Like Sysiphus and the rock. Just keep pushing it up the hill. Or maybe like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day... it will just keep playing, and replaying... "why did you divorce? why are you living in separate homes? why are you so angry at each other?" Ugh.

But wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT!!!! Omigod! I was so excited by the extreme traffic on my blog that I forgot this oh so important tidbit: MY DIVORCE IS FINAL. I am single. I can go back to my maiden name. I am truly solo. Honestly, it's a strange kind of feeling....

Funny thing, though - my mom congratulated me & sounded really happy. I guess as parents they have really mixed feelings about it... wanting me to be safe, happy, loved - and feeling that families should stay together no matter what. BUT, when I told them bits & pieces of how X treated me... and while they don't know that it's "emotional abuse" they're starting to have an inkling...

Chapter 65 done. Many more yet to come.

Gee, could this post have been MORE all over the place?!?

It's beginning...

So X called tonight to speak with the kids. He spoke with Max then asked to speak to me. He said: "You know, if he ever gets out of line; if you ever have any trouble disciplining him -- call me. I'll come over. I want him to fear me."

I know. I tell you stuff he says & it's like reading a bad novel!

I said "oh no - that's OK. We'll manage."

He then goes on to say stuff like Max is out of control. Think of how he'll be when he's 15, we have to get him into shape now..... etc, etc, etc. Then he says "We won't have any trouble with Nathan. He's the good one."

................

He's the "good one?" WTF?!?!? So I said that's great. It's so great that you're already labeling your children & deciding how they will be when they haven't even reached the age of TEN YET! (And I have to say - Max is totally full of beans, rambunctious, mischevious, loud, brash, active, and totally tests the limits of my patience and then some. But he is in no way, shape or form "bad.")

He's sounding all concerned... that there will be trouble down the pike, that Max just does not listen, that he belches, that he doesn't say his pleases and his thank-yous....

He says - you know, when Max misbehaves here I tell him to stop - that if he continues I will call you. That stops him. It gets him embarrassed and he stops.

"And you feel it's OK for a grown-up to embarrass a seven year old?"

I actually, honestly, did not know what to say. I kept silent for most of the conversation because I just could not believe it was happening. He has no concept. He bought Max Harry Potter - and told him if he reads the whole thing he'll give him 12 Pokemon cards. Max opens it: "There are no pictures!" It's a book for grades 3 - 12. He's going into 2nd. Now this.

When he & I were together it was the same thing. He would tell me: "Women should not walk, they should glide..." Like some sort of warped Victorian idea of how women should be. And how there were these women who could do absolutely everything. Perfectly. And oho - they were out there! But he could never really point one out to me...

And now it's coming over to my kids. Everybody has to be perfect. And not only perfect - but his warped, not realistic version of perfect.

I hung up and just felt so sad. That their father thinks of them like that. What I'm hoping is that my kids have a stronger sense of self than I did (and it seems like Max already does) so that they will just tell him to be quiet and leave them alone.

Sure do hope so.

Am I really one of them?

I'm going to begin this post by saying I'm not sure if I'm going to post it or not. I have lots of stuff swirling around in my mind... and I'm thinking that maybe writing it out will help - in the cathartic way writing things out does help & also to just get it out, look at it, & think about it.

So. Ok. The other night I had another PTSD experience. J was over, something happened that was really pretty minor... I got through it - or so I thought - and fell asleep. Then woke up at about 3:00 am, remembered what happened & then started almost hyperventilating and then just... well... sobbing. It was strange. I mean, when I cry now it's not like this. Not this sobsobsobbing. You know, pass me the tissue box sobbing.

And I'm pretty sure I know what it was from. What happened with J reminded me about something that used to happen with X. Stuff that wasn't very nice. Stuff that I can't even bring myself to write about here - because to write it out would really be the final step - to really really talk about what an absolute bastard he was. Mean stuff. Stuff that just makes you feel really really small.

So while I knew that this is what happened with X & that it would never ever ever happen with J - I got scared. Scared that maybe it would. And I was sad. So, so sad. So sad that I had been in that situation. That these things happened to me. That I did not extricate myself from it. That I allowed it to continue. That I did not even say anything to X - just took it and tried to rationalize it away. (He's stressed, He's depressed, Things will be better once X, Y or Z happens....)

J woke up, comforted me and we talked about it. (You know, I don't think X ever comforted me. I don't think he knew how. He used to say that women used crying as a form of manipulation.) I told J about what I can't bring myself to write here. But it's good that I *can* talk about it with him. Very good.

The feelings were so strong that night -- that I even had a sort of hang over from them the next day. My brain was fuzz. It was overwhelming. The convergence of the past with the present & coming to terms with all of it.

So today I went to my shrink. And she was like.... 'Well, that's pretty normal.... you really went through a lot, etc. etc. etc... emotional abuse, blah, blah, blah." And while I might have tossed that term around when thinking/talking about my relationship with X -- it was just a term to be tossed. I never really thought about it. Emotional Abuse.

Shrink asked if I had ever talked to anybody about the things that happened with X - when it was happening, and I realized that I didn't. I wasn't seeing a therapist then... and honestly -- how many people can you tell that your husband says things like: "Well, I don't want to go to that pizza store tonight - the girl who works there is cute & I'm ashamed to be seen with you -- looking like that...."?

Uh huh. He did. And no, I didn't slug him, or yell at him, or anything. I just kind of went quiet. Telling myself: "It's not true. You know it's not true. It's just his "stuff" that he's working out... and once he works it out it will be better -- you just have to get through this... being married means you deal with the good and the bad" And, when things got worse I'd always think: "Ok, you're married - if somebody is physically ill you wouldn't leave them -- so do you leave if somebody is mentally ill? Aren't *I* the one who is suppposed to stick with him? Who else will, and isn't this what it's all about?"

Butcha know - you can't live in an environment like that & not have it impact you. And that's what is happening now. What I supressed before. What I didn't talk about before. What I kept in before, feeling like that was being strong -handling it. Is now coming out because I really am strong - and able to talk about it. Deal with it. It is making its way out now. I guess feelings are like water... they seek their own level & will just kinda worm their way through...

I asked the shrink if it will ever stop & she said the more I talk about it, the more it will dissipate... and go away.

But also, what I've been thinking about is the whole "Emotional Abuse" label. You don't like to think of yourself as "one of those." Or, ok - maybe I don't. I don't like to think of myself as an "abused woman." I'm tough - I talk back. I'm from a close family; a psychologically helathy family (whatever that means, but relative to others... yes!). I know what's what, I know the proper way for a woman to be treated... I was in social work school, for crying out loud! A social worker!

But... errr... the way I was treated was no way for anybody to be treated. And if you think of how I never would tell anybody what he said - or did (and no - he was never ever physical although he did fly into rages... and there was always the threat of violence... he never did.), and his father abused his mother.... (and that's really something that does pass from father to son).

It's such a strange, strange feeling to... I guess acknowlege this. Can I really label myself an "abused woman?" (And for some reason I keep hearing that Senator @ the Anita Hill Hearings: "Are you a scorned woman, Ms. Hill?") I could be one of those commercials: "YES - it DOES happen here!"

But, you know, on the flip side - my shrink constantly marvels about J. The fact that I am not repeating the pattern - and how I am with somebody who is pretty much the polar opposite of X. It's almost to the point that she just doesn't get it. These things don't happen! There are RULES to be followed!

Good to know, though, that I'm in the right place now.

Tune in this week...

For another episode of the TV Movie of the Week. Because that's what my life is starting to feel like.

Max had a little league game yesterday at 6:30 pm. J met us there. And, surprise surprise - so did X. And his girlfriend. All of us. Sitting on the bleacher. Watching the game.

And honestly, it was really really ok... but the whole time I just couldn't help but feel like I was something out of a tv movie of the week. Or an after school special. Like: This is my life now. I'm a single mom, with a boyfriend and an Ex husband... who has a girlfriend.... and there we all are, as happy as pie....

This sort of stuff doesn't happen to me. This sort of stuff happens to other people.

I grew up in such a "Happy Family". Did I ever, in a hundred thousand million years think that I'd be leaning over my boyfriend, who was sitting next to me, to talk to my X about our son? I thought I'd always be with X. But then, so does every currently divorced, or soon to be divorced person. You (hopefully) would not marry them otherwise.

So it was just so... surreal.

Butcha know - he STILL won't pick up the scooters!

You know you want more!

Just because I don't talk about him enough.... Who?!? You're wondering. Who does she not talk about enough?!? it's not X. It's not J. Those two opposite ends of the pole are all she ever talks about... well, ok - a bit about her kids... a bit about her work... but it's always those two...

Sigh, yes, it is. And look! Here, for your viewing pleasure is..... MORE! It'll be quick and painless though, i promise.

Spoke to X yesterday. He will be with the kids & his girlfriend up by; where I will be tomorrow & I had suggested that we all meet. We can meet in McDonalds - so a relaxed place, for a finite/limited amount of time... But no. He won't do it. He said he wants to wait 'til this "divorce thing" is settled. He's too angry at me trying to squeeze all this money out of him. Ok. Whatever. (I'm so dying to meet her, though!! So dying!)

But he also told me how rude my parents were to him at Nathan's birthday party last Sunday. Apparently my Dad didn't even say hello, and my mom just gave a quick hello and then they both studiously ignored him the entire time. The air, he said, was frigid.

So, I've been thinking about it. And I'm not going to say anything to my parents. I mean, the next time they see him will probably not be until May, or so.... so what's the point. 20 million things could happen between now and then. BUT, while I feel that they are more than entitled to be angry at him, I don't really feel that he should be subjected to the Siberian Tundra. (Are there tundras in Siberia? Ha! Looked it up! There are! But anyhow...)

The goal is really to keep this as "normal" as we can - for the kids - and my kids pick up inklings of thoughts... nevermind outright actions.... so I'm sure (if they haven't already) they will pick up the vibes.

And. Well. Honestly. They don't have to be friends, not at all! But they should at least be moderately friendly. Ish. Kinda sorta.

Valentine's Day

I know, I should be saving this for at least next week - if not for the actual Valentine's Day -- but I think that's actually, somehow, somewhere, the point of this post.

Last week (or was it the week before? Well, sometime before now) I realized that Valentine's Day is coming up. So, I was thinking.... what to do. What do I want to do. Having a boyfriend, and one who if he knew/thought this was important to me just might actually do something...

Allow me to backtrack a bit. Never had a good Valentines Day. Never. Well, at least not one that was memorable enough for me to remember. (Ha!) And when I first met X he said to me "We don't celebrate Valentines Day in NZ" so wanting to be oh so culturally sensitive I said "oh, that's OK." That was until I met his best friend, P. - who was also going out seriously with an American. They told us about this amazing Valentines Day they had in Auckland... how they won this dinner from a sweepstakes on the local radio station...they won it by telling how they met (like X & I) and how she moved to NZ.... Wait. Valentines Day Sweepstakes? In New Zealand? I thought...... Ohhhhhh, I get it.

So I tried. Oh how I tried. One year I came home to find a bouquet of roses in the toilet. X's idea of a joke. And each year it was just such an effort... I'd have to plan everything, I'd practically buy the card for him. He just wouldn't do it. And I so, so needed it. I was always looking for something from him. Some sign of compassion, of caring, of love. And when we first (first) met I got that... but still. There was always something... I don't know... there was just always something missing. Maybe it was me - but I always felt like I needed more. More of the sense that I was special to him. And I know I've told this story, how at the end of our relationship how I used to have these fantasies that I would get sick & he'd have to take care of me... I was so starved for.. just something more from him. A sense that I was at least as important to him as he was to him. And you know the story -- when I had walking pneumonia & he wouldn't even pick me up at the subway stop. I tell that story so often because it 1) was really the beginning of the end; 2) it just so typifies him and his behavior and how he thought...

But anyhow, back to this year. So, I'm thinking about how it would be this year. Valentine's Day - and all of a sudden I realize: It is not important. I don't care. I don't need anything. I don't want anything. It was such a .... revelation! I understood what Valentines Day had meant to me before, and how I always craved it - and now that I could really have it -- I don't need it. I get all I need in this relationship every day. I feel it. I know it. I don't need a special day for it - it actually even seems silly. All those years when people would say that to me and I'd kind of sigh and say yes, I know, it's a day made up by the greeting card companies... but still... wouldn't it be nice....

I don't need it. I don't want it. And it's so cool.

Anger? Or not.

So, today is Nathan's birthday. We had the party yesterday; you can read about it here. On Saturday we went to my parents & J & his daughter came out in the evening for dinner, cake and presents. It was really really nice. My parents were so impressed how all the "kids" jelled together so nicely & how comfortable it all feels. It was nice (again with that word!) to hear that from an "outside" source (again with the ""!) because it all just happened so organically with us and the kids that I guess I don't really think about it/analyze it. (What?! Me not analyze?!?)

I told my parents that J's sister invited the kids & I to her house for Passover & while I had thought they would be all upset -- as in "what will we do without you?" They looked at each other with this really happy look on their faces. Parents! You just never know with them!

But anyhow, that really wasn't this post was going to be about.

X was at Nathan's bowling party - on Sunday. First words from my dad: "Oh, he's bald. Good." And it kind of went on like that.

When I spoke to my friend H, after the party, she told me how my Dad said something to her about X being a "bastard" leaving his wife & kids.... and how he's not going to talk to him. H told him he didn't have to talk to him, but wasn't it so nice how I had moved on... and was in a good place now. Dad. Time to move on, too. She said my mom voiced the same sort of sentiments to her, too.

X says to me: "Wow, the warmth I'm feeling here is incredible. I know my family wouldn't be like that with you. They haven't been like that with you." When I mentioned that perhaps our situations were different he didn't understand. Ok. If you don't understand, then I suppose I can't explain - but I think most people would. Understand. Understand?

Then H comes over to me at the party - X is strongly hinting to her that she drive him to the subway. It's about a mile and a half to the subway - in the freezing cold. She told me that she pretended she wasn't getting the hints & wouldn't drive him. I kinda said well, you know, it's cold.... so we compromised that she would drive him to the bus -that would take him to the subway.

So I guess all this has left me thinking about my anger. I know I have it - but it comes out more in incidents than this constant feeling of, I guess, hating him - or wishing him ill will. I mean, I wish he would disappear -- but I don't want to drive by him walking down the street while I'm all warm in a car & he's shivering.

So, I have no answer for this (for a change!) just kind of wondering, to myself (and now I guess to all of you) if I should feel/have felt more anger or if it's better like this.... Probably, like most things, it falls somewhere in between.

What a loooong week!

I don't know, guys, doesn't it feel like this week is just dragging on.... I keep thinking tomorrow is Friday - and it's not!!!

Yesterday I went to meet with the "review attorney" the one who I reviews the divorce agreement X and I worked out with our mediator. She is out outside eyes.

I didn't realize it, but I must have been really, really nervous about seeing her - which I think also played into my mood on Monday. When I left her office I just felt such a huge surge (hmm, where have I heard that word before?) of relief!

But, I'm sure you're curious! What did she say, what did she say?!? Well, I'll tell ya'. She said it looked like a good agreement. The one thing that she said she felt I should try to change was that we would split college costs 50-50 -- she felt it should be pro-rata.

She also said that "add-ons" like extra curriculars, child care while the mother works, and summer camp would actually be mandated pro-rata if we did this through the court. I knew that about child care, did not know that about the others.

X had said he would pay pro-rata child care - but put a cap on it. So if I wanted to pay a sitter more than $10 an hour I'd be paying the extra.

She also said that any court would make him pay his pro-rata share of Hebrew School/Religious Education. She said the court always sees value in that. When I explained X's... issues.. with Hebrew School (and this really has nothing to do with his religion - I know Jewish people who do not like to send their kids to Hebrew School for the same reasons as X). She told me that it would probably cost about $20,000.00 if I wanted to take him to court for it. Ummm, no thanks.

Also, honestly, I just can't fight him over this one.

So, she's going to ask/tell his attorney that I would like him to pay full pro-rata for child care & also camp & extra currics & we'll see what happens. Hopefully his attorney will say "well, if you went to court you'd have to..." and he'll give. If not, it's still definitely liveable.

But you know, I was just so glad that she didn't tell me that the agreement was crap. That she didn't say something like: "What the heck is the matter with you?!? You let him get away with so much!" I've become so unsure of everything... people are all like "get as much as you can, get as much as you can" and I'm stuck feeling like 1) I need to get enough for the children; 2) if I bankrupt this man, or he's not living in the style that he feels he should - then he will, quite honestly, make my life a living hell.

Which is worse?

Throughout this whole process (it feels like) not one person has said to me "Amy, you know what you're doing." Or, "Yes, that was a good decision." More like they're all kinda thinking.... she's too nice, she's too wimpy, she's gonna give in.

And I did - but that's also called negotiation. He did, too.

So anyhow, I felt good that she said that. Really good.

Today I called my parents to tell them about it. Spoke to my mom, the last of the red hot buzz kills. "Oh. She said that?" "Well, what about this? And is he paying for this? And shouldn't he pay more for that?" And I know, I know, I know she just wants whats best. But doesn't she know that all I want is for her to say something like: "That's great. Good job. YOu worked long and hard at getting this agreement done & you must feel good that the attorney said that."

In the end when she realized I was getting a wee bit annoyed she said something like "Well, if you believe that attorney, then I guess that's good." Ugh. And I suppose I have to believe her. I hired her. I have to put my trust in one person, don't I? I mean what? Should I keep looking for attorneys until I get to one who says: "you need to get more, more, more from him?" Then will that be the right one? The one to believe?

I liked this woman. Got a good vibe from her. And honestly, our agreement is not high finance. She even intimated..."well, the numbers involved are not very high..." We have no car, no house, not so many assets (damn that graduate school that sucked them up!) so for her to look through that agreement and see what's what was not so tough.

Also, I did an in detail budget for her & she saw what I needed.

Listen (ok, look!) at me - here I am rationalizing/explaining it to you! Trying to talk myself into it.

Long and winding road...

So today I found a photo album I haven't looked at in a while... most of the photos in it were from the beginning of my relationship with X. Some right from when we first met, some from our first "vacation" together (Pennsyvania Dutch), our engagement party...

And I'll tell you -- it conjured up some strange feelings... for the past few years I really could not remember any good times - and good feelings for X. I mean, I knew they had to be there... but I couldn't remember them. Could only remember the bad...

Seeing these photos was a really interesting reminder. What our relationship was like at the start... things we did, day trips, snow storms....parties we went to...

Some were from our first trip to NZ... which was probably the winter after our wedding & I do remember from that trip not feeling entirely comfortable. And when I look at the photos now I see how in each one my face looks perfect. Perfectly made up. ANd I know that was because X was always checking. If you think I had to be perfect with just him... it was intensified with his family just meeting me!

But I really digress. The point of this isn't to talk about all the crap - it's really to point out, and think about, the good. There was good. We had fun. We liked doing similar things... going to strange little ethnic restaurants, finding strange out of the way places.. the rugby games we went to...

And then the pictures from our engagement party... and my dad - with his arm around X's shoulder... welcoming him into our family... and the look on X's face... so happy. He was really so happy to be in a warm, loving, supportive family -- so of course as time went on & he became more attached to them.. he'd put them down more and more

But you know, whatever it was with X - whatever our relationship was... I cannot in any way shape or form compare it to my one now with J. I'm constantly amazed and overwhelmed. Every day. (Tomorrow is 10 months!) I didn't think it was possible to feel this way about a person. Like is this really what it's like?!? (Like how I manage to start and end a sentance with the same word?!?) Amazing.

So I'm thinkin'....

I'm thinking that I might ask the attorney who will be reviewing the divorce agreement if it's ok to put something in the agreement saying something along the lines of...."Each parent should provide the children with their own sleeping area (beds or sleeping bags), some toys, some books, and a place to keep these belongings."

I don't think X has that. But I'm unsure whether this is something that should be/has to be legislated. Like if he can't/won't do it on his own... what does it mean if legally (MOUSE JUST RAN UNDER MY CHAIR!) I "make" him?

And I have to stop asking Max. The other day I asked him if X had any books for them there & Max goes: "Oh yes, he has the whole Captain Underpants Series! The whole thing! More than you do!"

Call me a cynic, but I doubt X even knows who Captain Underpants is... But I can see that Max is protecting his Dad & I don't want it to become like that...

Just kinda strange to me... He has seen them, literally, about 2 1/2 days so far this month. Does not call in between. Has nothing set up for them at home, picks out their presents for them with them.. had no time to get them before, you know... because he has oh so many other things taking up his time. Huh?!?!

I know, this is who he is. Can't change it. But I hope I don't stop getting pissed off by it.

What planet am I living on?!?

So yesterday I'm talking to my parents & my dad kind of mentions.... that "since you and [the X] have been communicating better... maybe you should try getting back together."

HUUUUUUHHHH?!?!? Perhaps he should read this article that I read in my friend Gwen's Blog ... or perhaps he might want to rethink and remember everything I've said to him in the past... oh... two years.

Sometimes I really feel like I might live in a different reality. Like maybe I told this stuff to parents who have.... now wait..... go with me on this one.... been taking over by pods?!? Could that be?!?

Something to think about.

Pppppassssssover

So, this will be the third year that we wll be celebrating Passover without the X. The first year he didn't want to come... felt too uncomfortable - and the second year my Dad suggested an invitation & I wondered (outloud) if perhaps he had been out in the sun too long.

Not that we don't do stuff together -the X and I - we do. Well, less than we did before, but we still both do stuff that will actively support the kids. But this... the seder... too personal. Actually, just too much still in the family circle.

Because, ultimately you could still be friends (or friendly, I suppose) with an X - but I do think you lose the right to be an intimate: to still be a part of that family circle.

I'm still in touch with the X's family... I try to send them photos of the kids, keep them updated on what's going on with them... -- but do I tell them the family gossip? Do I still think of them as "intimates?" No. I don't. I like them - and know they'll always be around because of the kids... but that's it.

And, I've been realizing, that I've been measuring time like this: College, post-college, pre-X, X, and post- X. Those are all such distinct times in my life. Each one so different - and also *I* was so different. Each one a growth and change -- that I feel has been drastic. And, I'm thinkin' that the post college/pre-X, and post-X times have been the best. Oooh, you're saying - what does that say about your marriage?

Not a whole heck of a lot.

Things have, really, for all the chaos and tummult (is that a word?) been so good post-X. I've had enough amazing times and experiences and revelations, and feelings.... that.... well.... maybe I can't even put it into words.

And of course, it's not done yet.