How to treat a bully

So, yesterday - as if the Hebrew School thing wasn't enough, X tells me that I should drop the kids off at his place in Sunnyside every other week. It's not fair, he says, his coming to me to pick them up. (Did I mention that he was the one who decided to move away?)

Usually, on the weekends he has the kids I go right to J's place in Manhattan - from my job (also in Manhattan). So, my doing that would mean schlepping back home, schlepping to Sunnyside... then back....

J was like: No. No way. You're not doing it... He doesn't abide by the rules, you don't. But how can I? I don't bring the kids, he doesn't come? Who suffers? Then he tells the kids "Mommy won't bring you... so I can't see you." I don't want to get into that. He only cares about himself - so he doesn't worry. I, on the other hand, have a bit more on my mind.

BUT - in saying that - I can't let him go blithely around doing whatever he wants. We have an agreement. We have certain standards of behavior.

He calls me up yesterday, yelling: "Max is going to Hebrew School on Tuesdays, too! That's crazy! I didn't agree to that! You never told me!" I told him exactly where and when I told him (because I remember him comparing it to a Muslim extremist Madras...) and then hung up on him.

J says to me: "You know, you don't have to tell him. It says in the agreement that he agrees to it. That he agrees to verbally support it. That's it. You don't have to ask him every time." AND he went on to say "Why do you even ask him when you do other things? Why include him?"

I made some sort of comment about co-parenting... and it being only right that he's included & J just looked at me. "Do you think X is a co-parent? Does he do anything besides play with the kids every other weekend & then can't wait to get them back to you Sundays? You do it all. You're the parent. He's only involved when there's money & even then he doesn't want to..."

And he's right. I'm still clinging to this image/idea of how we said it would be when we spilt. How he says he wants it to be. But he can't. He can only think about himself. He may talk to the talk, but he sure as shit doesn't walk the walk.

J's like - he's a bully. Just ignore him. Do what you want... And maybe he's right. And maybe I'll try... but I can't help but feel that two wrongs don't make a right, you know? And how can I expect certain behavior from him if I don't do it myself? And how can there be any standards?

I've left a message for a lawyer. We'll see what happens with that. Meanwhile I have to get through the rest of this month... Nathan's meds, Nathan's blood test, new sitter, new teachers, more homework, back to school clothes, shoes, haircuts, tennis lessons, play dates, kids who don't want to go to school, etc, etc, etc.

Is it Christmas break yet?

F**kin, F**k, F**k, F**k, F**K!!!!

So yeah. I'm a little.... how should I say it...? Irate? Frustrated? F**kin' pissed off? YEAH! That's it!

Those of you who know me back from the other blog know that a lot (a LOT) of it is the chronicle of my frustrations with X. Dealing with him missing his days with the kids, dealing with him not wanting to contribute to things for them, dealing with working out our divorce agreement, going to mediation, writing and re-writing that damn agreement until we both came up with something agreeable...dealing with his jabs, dealing with his crap, just dealing.

But, we worked it out. We hashed out an agreement & now we're divorced. And actually, things have been pretty calm. Pretty normal. But... this is X. I should have known it wouldn't last for long.

I sent him an email to let him know about stuff coming up for September: I'm having the kids two weekends in a row because of the Jewish High Holy Days, Max is signing up for tennis lessons, and his first day of Hebrew School is this Sunday.

X emails back: "I'm sorry but I can't do Hebrew school any more. It encroaches on my special time with the boys. I like going out with them-- doing different things, museums, playing at the park, dogs, etc. I am not going to do it anymore. I have little time with them: I'm not going to kill one of my two days with them because of Hebrew school. "

So I say to him: 1) This is in the agreement. Father will transport to Hebrew School two out of the three times he has them (I gave in that one. I said I'd come in from Manhattan, go to Sunnyside, pick them up, bring to Forest Hills, bring back to Sunnyside... because it's important. Because it's what you do...) 2) If you want to see them, if you want to spend any more time with them - all you have to do is ask. Get off work early & want to take them to dinner? Be my guest. Want to have them an extra weekend every once in a while? Be my guest.

He says: "I will take them two out of every three weeks. Just not on Saturday or Sundays. And I'm glad to support Jewish education; hence, I'm not protesting them taking the two weeks for Yom Kippar or Rosha Shanna. I'm sorry but I refuse to give up my time with the children. It is easy for you since you have them 24 x 7. Not for me. "

Again I repeat that it is in the agreement. We talked about all this before. We hashed it out before. Spent money on a mediator, had it put in the agreement... he can't do this now!

He says: "I disagree. We discussed from a cost perspective.... Also, it is tough for me to see the boys beyond the weekends. I have a job that requires a lot of responsibility that pays your/boys' rent-- and I often stay at work until about 6 pm. So that is nonsense. I can't let you kill the precious time that I have with my sons. It is not good for me, nor them."

I point him to the exact section on our signed agreement.

He says: "I disagree. And I can't believe you would want to deny your children time with their father. In year's to come, the boy's will cherish the greater time they spent with their father... (their attitude to Hebrew school will be like you and your sister's...ho-hum) You are denying me of my fundamental right as a father. I won't stand by idly..."

So, I contact the mediator & she says that he is in violation of the agreement.

So? What do I do? Do I tell this poor, poor man who sometimes has to work 'til 6:00 pm & thus cannot take his kids out for dinner? Or see them an extra weekend? Or? Remember when he was eating down the street from them? And didn't want to see them because he was in "friends mode"? Do I tell him it's ok? It's in the agreement, but it's ok. They'll miss every other week of the Hebrew School that I paid for? On my own - because you won't contribute?

And I said to him - Ok - let's say you won't bring him -- but at least bring him to the first! This Sunday! It's important to go to the first class, so you learn what's going to happen, everybody is introduced... etc, etc.

He said no. So selfish.

I'm just so, fucking, fucking pissed off. I mean, I don't want to get a lawyer. It seems so silly - for just this. But I hate that he gets away with this!! I mean, what is the sense of an agreement then?!?

And I know plenty plenty of families where the parents do not agree about religious education - but then present a united front to the kids. Because that's what you do. And even if you're divorced, in theory - and according to what X says he believes - that is what you do.

So, I have to decide if I'm really going to fight this...and if fighting it means going to court? And does that mean involving the kids? Or swallow my anger and just let it go. Max will miss every other Sunday. I"ll take him Tuesdays and the other Sundays. I'm not going to involve the kids. i won't.

Guess I'll end up sucking it up. But man, sometimes I just want to put a hit out on that guy.

What about The Kids?

When X & I first decided to split, one of the first things I did was talk to one of my professors at Social Work School. What was a good book for me to read, and what was good for the kids? I got them Dinosaurs Divorce (which I just saw, thanks to Amazon, that I ordered January 9, 2005. Strange having that noted for history.) and It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear. They are really great books - and we actually still come back to them as the kids relate to them differently as they get older...

I got for myself "What About The Kids" by Judith Wallerstein. (Purchased February 14th, 2004! Valentine's Day!!!) and it was great. Well written, full of common sense, and backed up by empirical data! What more do you need!

So anyhow, fast forward to today (Three years 5 months later!!!) and I'm complaining to a friend about X, about his style of discipline, about how the kids will be with him for Five Whole Days! The friend reminds me about the book. Tells me to look at the chapter called "A New Kind of Mother." Says it will give me strength.

So I read it and Oh My Freaking G-D!!! If that chapter was not written Just For Me -- I don't know what was?!?!

She starts off by acknowledging that women really get the short end of the stick. How they take care of the home, the kids and work - and get no recognition for that. (And that's really for married couples too, methinks.)

She goes on to say how if you ask any mother where their children are at any given point in time - they will know. Just as you will know their schedule, appointments, friends, play dates. And, when you're married and your children are with your husband.. well.. you kind of feel that they're still with you. That you are in control of their care. What they eat. Where they go. What movies they see.... (I stuck that in 'cause X took them to see Monster House and Nathan is STILL talking about how scary it was!)

Plus, you can talk to your husband about the day. What they did. Who was happy/sad/good/bad...

But - and this is where my jaw dropped - she writes:

"

But after divorce that sense of knowing where your children are - and
feeling secure in that knowledge - is a lot harder to maintain. When
your children are off with your ex, the might as well be residing in a black
hole. Sometimes the children will tell you what they did, but not
always. You don't get a full report. Because you don't want to
coach them or nag them for details, you mostly won't know what they
did. You certainly can't ask them to tell you what your ex did with
his girlfriend. Their dad is not likely to tell you, either."

Ugh!! That's ME! That's me!!!

"

You feel bad because you can't give your child the full-time supervision and
protection that goes with your inner vision of what a mother should do.
Had the marriage stayed happy or at least functioning well enough, you would be
providing a different level of care and protection...... For a mother that
makes a world of difference. This loss of feeling in control can really
shake you up [Yes! Yes!] How can you be privy to this partial view
of your child's life"

So I'm just about yelling at the book at this point. "How do you know! Omigod! Yes!! That's so how I feel!"

But, it gets BETTER!!!

(And I'm sorry to be quoting this whole book - it's just so amazing to me that all this is so normal... and that I was obviously interviewed for a book and I don't even remember!!!)

She goes on to say: "A second big change is that you're often lonely or disoriented. One day the children are with you and you know who's in charge. Then suddenly they're gone. It's not easy to shift gears to being alone. It's all very well to say you now have time to see your lover or to write a new Broadway play [or to blog?]. But the truth is that when you're used to having the kids around and they leave, it gets lonely."

Ahhh, Judith, Judith... thank you.

Then she wrote the paragraph that when I thought of it this morning on the subway brought me to tears:

"The third change is perhaps the most difficult. Who fuels you as a mother? Who takes care of you when you need to take care of the children? Divorce leaves you stranded."

"

After divorce, when you put the children to bed after a
hectic day and they seem so calm and angelic in their sleep, no one is there to put his arm around you. No one says "You did great." Or, "Sit down, let me get you a drink." So where do you get the courage, energy, love and hopefulness to keep going? The answer is simple and undeniable. It comes from you and no one else. All of your mothering comes from inside you. [Ok. Crying again.] "

And ok - a bit more and then I'll stop -- before Judith tracks me down for copyright infringement. (I'm only doing this out of love Judith! Really!)

Here it comes.... "

Given these incredible challenges, is it any wonder
you sometimes lose your temper? Maybe you even scream or slap on
occasion. In your worst moments, maybe you even feel that you've not done well by your children, that you've failed them or hurt them.

Or is it any wonder that in the rising passion of a love affair you give your lover priority? Sometimes a love affair can trump everything in a person's world. If you temporarily neglect your children, forgive yourself. Despite these lapses you were there when they
needed you."

I feel like I can't really explain this feeling... how she hit the nail on the head absolutely with every feeling or thought I've gone through. When I first started dating I was like "kids? what kids" and felt so guilty. And ok, I don't slap - but I have been known to give a good shriek now and again... Just to have all this normalized. Just to have it written down. So precisely. Wow.

Then she ends with the best part, since I think that if my kids look the wrong way its because of the divorce & I hyper analyze everything they do or say (or what they DON'T do or say.. because that speaks volumes, dontcha know?) She says:

"Lighten up. You would have made mistakes if you
had married Prince Charming or if you had stayed married to Satan. You'll do alot that's right because you love your children. Try to forgive yourself for your real and imagined sins of commission and omission. Try to be a gentler person with yourself. Take pride in the enormity of your accomplishment. Whatever your aspirations, you can't do it all. Give yourself a break from your self-accusations."

Ahhhh..... long, deep sigh.

I'll think I'll read this to myself every night before I go to sleeep

Sorry - this is like the longest post EVER! And the formatting is all whacked....

A cavalcade of Feelings

Last night as I was putting the kids to sleep I looked at them and thought "Oh, my boys.... it's going to be so long until I put you to sleep again..." Then I smacked myself on the side of the head. (Maudlin or overdramatic much?)

Yep - kids are going to X's from tonight until Sunday. But I've written that before, haven't I? Can you tell the Overwhelming Thoughts I've been plagued with?!?

It's funny, when X first moved out and had the kids at his place - or even when he first moved out & we weren't even doing the the kids overnight - he'd just come over to be with them & I'd go out for a bit.... I loved it. I craved it! Me time! Alone time! I can go to a movie! I can shop! I can sit and stare into space and nobody will come over and poke me in the eye!! (And yes, when X & I first split it was right at graduation from grad school, the kids were 2 $ 4 & there was considerably more stress and strain in my life - that's for sure.)

But somewhere along the track it's kind of changed.

Don't get me wrong - I love the time to myself -- two weeks of single parenting at a time is enough. We're pretty worn out of each other, honestly. When the kids come back after a weekend away I always notice how we look at each other differently. We all need the break. (Yes, I am recognizing that by the the end of the 2nd week I may have become intolerable to them & they need a break from me, too!) But the fact that he only has them four nights a month is also enough.

But, the fact is - we've become a strong family unit. The three of us. We have our routines, our inside jokes, our "family cuddles" - and we're a threesome. (And for the record I wanted that photo down here, but somehow it ended up there & I'm just too peeved to move it.)

Ok - so let me get to the point. It used to be so cut & dried. X takes the kids & Hurray! Me time! Time with J! Alone! And now.... well.... I miss them. And this isn't just for two nights - it's for FIVE! FIVE NIGHTS! DO YOU REALIZE THAT?!?!?! ALMOST A WEEK!!!!!

Although how psyched am I that I have time to finally get my hair cut!

I'm a Rock Star!!!

So. Guys. Did you all get a load of how many comments I have? Come on. Count them! I'll wait.

Uh huh - at least four, right?!?

Can you see the huge grin on my face? I'm sure if you try, you can imagine it! I tell you guys, if you too want FOUR COMMENTS on your blog (and stat counter says 17 people! 17!!!!!) alls you have to do is comment yourself.

It's a whole new world.

(Cracking myself up.)

Kids are going to X's starting tomorrow. I'm so anxious.... not so happy to think of them being with somebody who wants them to "fear" him. Ugh. Strange to me that they love him. I guess that's pretty common with divorced couples.... I mean - I loved him once, so there has to be something loveable, right? Nathan just said: "When I'm with you I miss Daddy, and when I'm with Daddy I miss you. Why don't you live together?" Just when I think I've explained that for the last time... each time they grow, learn, develop a bit more they ask it again.

Like Sysiphus and the rock. Just keep pushing it up the hill. Or maybe like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day... it will just keep playing, and replaying... "why did you divorce? why are you living in separate homes? why are you so angry at each other?" Ugh.

But wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT!!!! Omigod! I was so excited by the extreme traffic on my blog that I forgot this oh so important tidbit: MY DIVORCE IS FINAL. I am single. I can go back to my maiden name. I am truly solo. Honestly, it's a strange kind of feeling....

Funny thing, though - my mom congratulated me & sounded really happy. I guess as parents they have really mixed feelings about it... wanting me to be safe, happy, loved - and feeling that families should stay together no matter what. BUT, when I told them bits & pieces of how X treated me... and while they don't know that it's "emotional abuse" they're starting to have an inkling...

Chapter 65 done. Many more yet to come.

Gee, could this post have been MORE all over the place?!?

Ok, so it's all ok

Ok?


You know, I use this blog (and the other blog) to do a lot of complaining and venting. And lately (ok, maybe mostly, maybe mostly always) it's been about X. Butcha know, I've been thinking.....

I've been going to this new shrink. My old one was very Freudian. Did not talk. This one talks -- and I'm finding I like the talking. It gives me a window into the things I have going RIGHT in my life... how I'm actually pretty ok. And yes, probably the silent shrink helped me well along to my place of relative ok-ness.... but now this is good, too.

I was telling her about X & his girlfriend, and me and J & she said "you know, you're very lucky - very often girlfriends or step parents can not like the kids. Or be jealous." Hmmm, I thought. Yes, I suppose I'm very lucky about that. We're all pretty ok. Yesterday X and his girlfriend came to the boys little league game. It wasn't their weekend to have the kids and X (yes, X!!!) got up early and got there! And ok, I could have done without it... but it was so great for the kids!

And then Shrink told me how it was so great how the kids were so willing to accept J and X's girlfriend. How they were so comfortable with them, showing affection to them. She said "They must have been raised with a lot of love and security -- so that they are so willing to show it to others, and have no fear that it won't be returned." Do you know HOW GOOD that made me feel?!? You get so bogged down - especially with this whole divorce thing - with wondering if you're doing the right things.... kids are ok.... etc, etc.... And ok - you get report cards, you see them for yourself... but you know the parental eye is only SO unbiased....

Then yesterday we were at a pool club with J's family (his parents, sister, neices...) and my kids were so comfortable with them - Max running over to J's parents to tell them what he just did in the pool. And I saw it again. You know, the biggest thing "they" say that can happen to kids post-divorce is that they feel it's their fault. They become reserved. Guilty.

Ahhhh, it just felt so good.

Tune in this week...

For another episode of the TV Movie of the Week. Because that's what my life is starting to feel like.

Max had a little league game yesterday at 6:30 pm. J met us there. And, surprise surprise - so did X. And his girlfriend. All of us. Sitting on the bleacher. Watching the game.

And honestly, it was really really ok... but the whole time I just couldn't help but feel like I was something out of a tv movie of the week. Or an after school special. Like: This is my life now. I'm a single mom, with a boyfriend and an Ex husband... who has a girlfriend.... and there we all are, as happy as pie....

This sort of stuff doesn't happen to me. This sort of stuff happens to other people.

I grew up in such a "Happy Family". Did I ever, in a hundred thousand million years think that I'd be leaning over my boyfriend, who was sitting next to me, to talk to my X about our son? I thought I'd always be with X. But then, so does every currently divorced, or soon to be divorced person. You (hopefully) would not marry them otherwise.

So it was just so... surreal.

Butcha know - he STILL won't pick up the scooters!

You know you want more!

Just because I don't talk about him enough.... Who?!? You're wondering. Who does she not talk about enough?!? it's not X. It's not J. Those two opposite ends of the pole are all she ever talks about... well, ok - a bit about her kids... a bit about her work... but it's always those two...

Sigh, yes, it is. And look! Here, for your viewing pleasure is..... MORE! It'll be quick and painless though, i promise.

Spoke to X yesterday. He will be with the kids & his girlfriend up by; where I will be tomorrow & I had suggested that we all meet. We can meet in McDonalds - so a relaxed place, for a finite/limited amount of time... But no. He won't do it. He said he wants to wait 'til this "divorce thing" is settled. He's too angry at me trying to squeeze all this money out of him. Ok. Whatever. (I'm so dying to meet her, though!! So dying!)

But he also told me how rude my parents were to him at Nathan's birthday party last Sunday. Apparently my Dad didn't even say hello, and my mom just gave a quick hello and then they both studiously ignored him the entire time. The air, he said, was frigid.

So, I've been thinking about it. And I'm not going to say anything to my parents. I mean, the next time they see him will probably not be until May, or so.... so what's the point. 20 million things could happen between now and then. BUT, while I feel that they are more than entitled to be angry at him, I don't really feel that he should be subjected to the Siberian Tundra. (Are there tundras in Siberia? Ha! Looked it up! There are! But anyhow...)

The goal is really to keep this as "normal" as we can - for the kids - and my kids pick up inklings of thoughts... nevermind outright actions.... so I'm sure (if they haven't already) they will pick up the vibes.

And. Well. Honestly. They don't have to be friends, not at all! But they should at least be moderately friendly. Ish. Kinda sorta.

A True Test

So, you know, I wrote over here about my relationship with J - and how amazing it all is.. and how lucky I am... but this past weekend I had cause to think about another (wonderful) aspect of it.

I am going through a divorce - he is going through a divorce. I have an annoying X - he has an annoying X. I have kids and all the issues that surround them - he has kids and all the issues that surround them. I work he works. And we both, unfortunately, just have those darn issues that come up just as a matter of.... well... life.

So, what I'm getting at is - this is not really the best juncture in our lives. Not the calmest. Not the most settled. (And not that any time is, but you get what I mean.)

And through that all we are starting a relationship and I'd say a pretty successful one, at that.

And you know, when I was with X -- I would always be waiting for "the good times". I'd say to myself "ok, things aren't so great now, but when this settles down, or that settles down...X will settle down and things will be ok." And they were. We had some good times, but then those times were when all the planets aligned, there was ample money in the bank, and all the birds sang in harmony. There were brief pockets of time when things were ok - but then you have kids, you lose jobs, etc, etc, etc... and then they were not ok.

So here we are, J and I, when things are not so ok in our lives - but we're doing ok. We're probably getting to know each other at the most stressed out points in our lives... and it's ok. We're going through it as partners - a team - dealing with the issues, helping each other deal with the issues, and knowing that this too will pass. And when it passes - things will be ok. Calm. But, we already know that if life steps in -- we can really handle it.

It's just good to know.

What a loooong week!

I don't know, guys, doesn't it feel like this week is just dragging on.... I keep thinking tomorrow is Friday - and it's not!!!

Yesterday I went to meet with the "review attorney" the one who I reviews the divorce agreement X and I worked out with our mediator. She is out outside eyes.

I didn't realize it, but I must have been really, really nervous about seeing her - which I think also played into my mood on Monday. When I left her office I just felt such a huge surge (hmm, where have I heard that word before?) of relief!

But, I'm sure you're curious! What did she say, what did she say?!? Well, I'll tell ya'. She said it looked like a good agreement. The one thing that she said she felt I should try to change was that we would split college costs 50-50 -- she felt it should be pro-rata.

She also said that "add-ons" like extra curriculars, child care while the mother works, and summer camp would actually be mandated pro-rata if we did this through the court. I knew that about child care, did not know that about the others.

X had said he would pay pro-rata child care - but put a cap on it. So if I wanted to pay a sitter more than $10 an hour I'd be paying the extra.

She also said that any court would make him pay his pro-rata share of Hebrew School/Religious Education. She said the court always sees value in that. When I explained X's... issues.. with Hebrew School (and this really has nothing to do with his religion - I know Jewish people who do not like to send their kids to Hebrew School for the same reasons as X). She told me that it would probably cost about $20,000.00 if I wanted to take him to court for it. Ummm, no thanks.

Also, honestly, I just can't fight him over this one.

So, she's going to ask/tell his attorney that I would like him to pay full pro-rata for child care & also camp & extra currics & we'll see what happens. Hopefully his attorney will say "well, if you went to court you'd have to..." and he'll give. If not, it's still definitely liveable.

But you know, I was just so glad that she didn't tell me that the agreement was crap. That she didn't say something like: "What the heck is the matter with you?!? You let him get away with so much!" I've become so unsure of everything... people are all like "get as much as you can, get as much as you can" and I'm stuck feeling like 1) I need to get enough for the children; 2) if I bankrupt this man, or he's not living in the style that he feels he should - then he will, quite honestly, make my life a living hell.

Which is worse?

Throughout this whole process (it feels like) not one person has said to me "Amy, you know what you're doing." Or, "Yes, that was a good decision." More like they're all kinda thinking.... she's too nice, she's too wimpy, she's gonna give in.

And I did - but that's also called negotiation. He did, too.

So anyhow, I felt good that she said that. Really good.

Today I called my parents to tell them about it. Spoke to my mom, the last of the red hot buzz kills. "Oh. She said that?" "Well, what about this? And is he paying for this? And shouldn't he pay more for that?" And I know, I know, I know she just wants whats best. But doesn't she know that all I want is for her to say something like: "That's great. Good job. YOu worked long and hard at getting this agreement done & you must feel good that the attorney said that."

In the end when she realized I was getting a wee bit annoyed she said something like "Well, if you believe that attorney, then I guess that's good." Ugh. And I suppose I have to believe her. I hired her. I have to put my trust in one person, don't I? I mean what? Should I keep looking for attorneys until I get to one who says: "you need to get more, more, more from him?" Then will that be the right one? The one to believe?

I liked this woman. Got a good vibe from her. And honestly, our agreement is not high finance. She even intimated..."well, the numbers involved are not very high..." We have no car, no house, not so many assets (damn that graduate school that sucked them up!) so for her to look through that agreement and see what's what was not so tough.

Also, I did an in detail budget for her & she saw what I needed.

Listen (ok, look!) at me - here I am rationalizing/explaining it to you! Trying to talk myself into it.

Long and winding road...

So today I found a photo album I haven't looked at in a while... most of the photos in it were from the beginning of my relationship with X. Some right from when we first met, some from our first "vacation" together (Pennsyvania Dutch), our engagement party...

And I'll tell you -- it conjured up some strange feelings... for the past few years I really could not remember any good times - and good feelings for X. I mean, I knew they had to be there... but I couldn't remember them. Could only remember the bad...

Seeing these photos was a really interesting reminder. What our relationship was like at the start... things we did, day trips, snow storms....parties we went to...

Some were from our first trip to NZ... which was probably the winter after our wedding & I do remember from that trip not feeling entirely comfortable. And when I look at the photos now I see how in each one my face looks perfect. Perfectly made up. ANd I know that was because X was always checking. If you think I had to be perfect with just him... it was intensified with his family just meeting me!

But I really digress. The point of this isn't to talk about all the crap - it's really to point out, and think about, the good. There was good. We had fun. We liked doing similar things... going to strange little ethnic restaurants, finding strange out of the way places.. the rugby games we went to...

And then the pictures from our engagement party... and my dad - with his arm around X's shoulder... welcoming him into our family... and the look on X's face... so happy. He was really so happy to be in a warm, loving, supportive family -- so of course as time went on & he became more attached to them.. he'd put them down more and more

But you know, whatever it was with X - whatever our relationship was... I cannot in any way shape or form compare it to my one now with J. I'm constantly amazed and overwhelmed. Every day. (Tomorrow is 10 months!) I didn't think it was possible to feel this way about a person. Like is this really what it's like?!? (Like how I manage to start and end a sentance with the same word?!?) Amazing.

ThursdayFriday Thirteen

Thirteen Things I'd Like For The New Year (As if this wasn't the most absolutely obvious topic! And no, these are NOT resolutions - more like wishes.)1…. To be able to do the Thursday Thirteen if not regularly, then at least on Thursdays. 2.... To be able to complete all my paperwork for work. 3.... To win the lottery (see, told you they were wishes!) 4.... To play the lottery (I know, I know - gotta play to win!) 5.... To finally take the summer toe nail polish off my toes... what's left of it. 6.... To finally be divorced. (You knew THAT one was coming!) 7.... To get up the will to have my apartment painted. (It's just that, you know, the chaos that ensues... having to take all the stuff off the walls, the chaos that ensues, having to move all the books, wall unit... and well... the chaos that ensues plays a small role in that as well.) 8.... To figure things out with my mom: Why I'm so angry every time I go there and see them. 9.... Even though I know this is obvious, I suppose I should put it in writing: To have everyone I love remain happy, healthy, strong and safe. 10.... To find some time to at least go running again (this is NOT a resolution... just something I"d like for 2007) it's been too long and I need it for body and soul. 11.... To spend more time w/J (although that kinda contradicts number 10... but maybe we could run together.) 12.... To take my kids to Disney World. 13.... For myself to be happy, healthy, strong and safe. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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So I'm thinkin'....

I'm thinking that I might ask the attorney who will be reviewing the divorce agreement if it's ok to put something in the agreement saying something along the lines of...."Each parent should provide the children with their own sleeping area (beds or sleeping bags), some toys, some books, and a place to keep these belongings."

I don't think X has that. But I'm unsure whether this is something that should be/has to be legislated. Like if he can't/won't do it on his own... what does it mean if legally (MOUSE JUST RAN UNDER MY CHAIR!) I "make" him?

And I have to stop asking Max. The other day I asked him if X had any books for them there & Max goes: "Oh yes, he has the whole Captain Underpants Series! The whole thing! More than you do!"

Call me a cynic, but I doubt X even knows who Captain Underpants is... But I can see that Max is protecting his Dad & I don't want it to become like that...

Just kinda strange to me... He has seen them, literally, about 2 1/2 days so far this month. Does not call in between. Has nothing set up for them at home, picks out their presents for them with them.. had no time to get them before, you know... because he has oh so many other things taking up his time. Huh?!?!

I know, this is who he is. Can't change it. But I hope I don't stop getting pissed off by it.

Birthday Weekend

(Something's going on with Blogger - there are no formatting options at all. No fonts, no colors, no nothing. So I'm sorry if this looks boring; you will just have to let the words carry you along without any other extra added bonuses.)

I've lost you all already, haven't I?

ANYHOW - had a super, amazing, wonderful, stupendous birthday weekend. Went out Friday night w/some friends & J (not that J isn't a friend... but you know. Let's not quibble.) It was lots of fun.

But, Saturday was the day that clinched the whole deal. (And oh, how I wish I had either bold or italics! Just imagine that "clinched" is in italics!) We had a nice relaxing morning, then went out for (bold) lobster (bold) which is my favorite food in the world - and went to see (underline) The Drowsy Chaperone after. (See, I"m just improvising - writing in the formatting and that will probably keep your interest longer than if I actually (bold) made the words bold. Makes you work a little bit.)

The Drowsy CHaperone was amazing. Funny, clever, different, beautiful music, great set, acting - wonderful... Just great, great, great.

But now here's the thing. Get back Sunday, meet Max at Hebrew school for a family program. X came too - w/Nathan - but soon left with Nathan as Nathan was getting a bit antsy. (Funny aside - earlier in the week I had asked X if I could get the kids earlier - so we could go out for brunch for my birthday. He complained that he gets little enough time with them - and then Hebrew School takes away the rest - so "no" I could not. I asked if I could have them an hour earlier? "No." BUT, but Friday... he tells me I can take them at 12:30 - right after the Hebrew school workshop. No explanation. HA! Funny guy that X, huh?)

(Bold) BUT ANYHOW - We do the family project at Hebrew School and walk back to our house. The whole time I"m still coasting on the post weekend buzz... enjoying re-living it in my head, thinking about J, how much I love him, how wonderful everything is... but who should interrupt? What?!? A Child?!? Leave me alone! Leave me to my reverie!!

But no. They do not. Not only do they not leave me to my reverie, but they are tired, cranky, and so bloody annoying I'm about ready to rip my hair out.

So, I make it through that, my Dad comes, picks us up & we go for a family birthday brunch. THe thing is, really, I don't want to do any of this. I probably would be happy just sitting on a rock still reliving the weekend. I just wanted to be with J. (HOrrible, I"m a horrible person - my family there, all around me, showering me with presents and good will... and I want none of it.)

This is, I"m finding out, the tough, weird part about the whole divorce, every other weekend thing. To be in one zone, and then so thoroughly and totally yanked out, and forced into the other... every other weekend. (Granted, not every weekend is as stupendous as this... but allow me a bit of dramatic licence.)

So, I've equlized a bit now, still feeling pretty good and so loving the card I got from Max (which I can't upload here, but you can see at: http://www.xanga.com/Pithy11375/552831206/a-birthday-card-from-max.html It's unfortunate that the chid does not yet know how to spell boogers - especially since it is one of my all time favorite words.. (ack!) but I really do love it. It's so him.