As I was saying...

Your PMS Disaster Level: EXTREME!

You're PMS is horrific and totally freaky. You should be locked away once a month... with a ton of chocolate cake!

Are You a PMS Disaster?

Thirteen Things I Hate about PMS1…. Feeing Grumpy 2.... Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy 3.... Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling antsy 4.... Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling antsy, not sleeping 5. Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling ansty, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt. 6....Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling ansty, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever 7...Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling ansty, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs 8....Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling antsy, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs, having a hard time not screaming at my kids 'til my face turns blue. 9. Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling antsy, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs, having a hard time not screaming at my kids 'til my face turns blue, not fitting into any of my clothes 10. Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling ansty, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs, having hard time not screaming at my kids 'til my face turns blue, not fitting into any of my clothes, falling asleep at work 11. Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling ansty, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs, having hard time not screaming at my kids 'til my face turns blue, not fitting into any of my clothes, falling asleep at work, feeling entirely too uncomfortable in my own skin. 12.... Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling ansty, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs, having hard time not screaming at my kids 'til my face turns blue, not fitting into any of my clothes (probably from all that bloat eating all that salt!), falling asleep at work, feeling entirely too uncomfortable in my own skin, feeling constant, overwhelming sense of lethargy. 13. Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling antsy, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs, having hard time not screaming at my kids 'til my face turns blue, not fitting into any of my clothes, falling asleep at work, feeling entirely too uncomfortable in my own skin, feeling constant, overwhelming sense of lethargy AND feeling it get worse, and worse, and worse as the week progresses! UGH!Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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This one is pretty good

This is courtesy of Diary of a Single Mom - Bold everything you've done...

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain (What qualifies as a mountain? In NZ they call some pretty big hills, mountains... so I'm going to say "yes."
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it (absofrigginlutely)
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (A Mets game?)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa.
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper (!!!)
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne (not generally something you want to get drunk on...)
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb (on a ferry in NZ - next to a farm truck... a little, little baby lamb...)
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster (ok, it was a kids' rollercoaster, but that still counts, right?)
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking (no. was not sober.)
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
. 42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
.47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs (heh, heh... yes)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business (does a lemonade stand count?)
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured an ancient site
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played Dungeons & Dragons for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice (ok, I guess it was more like a ferry...)
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised (raising) children (child)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour (David Johansen, Freshman year - didn't follow him much more than from DC to VA.... but still!)
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge (tried to. Had to stop. Thing with that bridge, is it's so high up! I mean, if it was lower then there wouln't have been a problem...)
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication (soon, soon)
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states (not sure; could be a tie).
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper (local paper - was about 10 in Halloween costume!)
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
l131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair (I did that purple celophane thingy in the 80's.. but it wasn't permanent.)
147. Been a DJ (Do pre-school birthday parties count?)
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident (err, yes. Walked in front of car. Got hit. He hit another car. Not a proud moment. Luckily, nobody (seriously) hurt.)
150. Saved someone’s life (Well, I think some of the things I've done as a social worker, if I'm permitted to brag a bit, has at least improved the quality - if not the duration - of somebody's life...)

It's all about me, me, ME!

So, here comes today's big confession: I'm a selfish, selfish woman. I simply cannot devote as much time and attention to my kids as they need.

The tough time is right after work. I come home, I need to read my mail, read my email, change out of my work clothes, and just really debrief myself. Problem is, of course, that my kids have not seen me all day and have lots of things to show and tell me.

And I just. Cannot. Deal. I have told them time and time again: "please, let me change into my sweats. Please, let me put down my bag, take off my shoes... just sit for a few minutes..." but they can't. And I can't. And it makes me feel so awful, and each day I say to myself: "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will do all that stuff later and just focus on them when I get home." And I still can't.

If they wake me at 2, 3, or 4am - I can focus on them. In the morning, I can focus - but please, the time between 6-7 pm... I need it for ME. I just do.

It's kinda nice outside

Because, well - both J and I have been outted. He told his kids about me, and I told my kids about him. Meaning, I used his name and the word boyfriend in the same sentence.

Max kinda made the "Yick Girls" face when I told him. He likes J - they both really do - but I know that whole boys/girls cooties thing was definitely at play there. I said to him: "What does it mean, to be a boyfriend/girlfriend?" And he goes, in typical Max fashion: "That means you love them and blah, blah, blah..." Basically: Leave Me Alone. Can't You See Power Rangers Is On? (Ok, I should have waited 'til after, but.... I couldn't! Come on, cut me some slack! I've been waiting to tell them for a long time - and I guess I reached saturation point & it came out!)

J has told his kids about me - and of course since they're older they have a whole other set of responses, feelings, and questions.... and that's going to be a bit more of a challenge to negotiate. And not a challenge in a bad way - but they will be looking and listening for different things than my two will - that's for darn sure!

And on another note: For a whle there X had been caling the kids every night. He hadn't done that for a while... but he started again. He has since stopped. I wonder how it's going to be now that the kids will only see him every other weekend? It seems so strange to me... I know it's "usual" but I also know it does not have to be that way. J. travels back and forth and hither and yon to see his kids, he is missing out on lots of alone/me time for himself, but is carving out a schedule that includes them as a big priority. And EX is living a few doors away from his X & the kids just travel back and forth between the two houses. They actually consider them both their "homes" - not "Mommy's House" or "Daddy's House." Interesting that the two men I date post X are like that... or I guess, maybe not so (interesting. surprising.)

Sometimes it feels like, somebody's watching me...

So this weekend I all of a sudden remembered something that I totally had forgotten. I mean, totally. About X. Like when I even started with my shrink, soon after we decided to split, and I reeled off to her the litteny of things that were so awful about him. About our relationship. I forgot about this. The watching.

Before we were "seriously" involved but had been dating for a while I remember very clearly being out on a date with X. We were at what would become our favorite Chinese restaurant on West 72nd Street. And he said to me: "Are you putting on weight? You know, that sometimes women let themselves go when they're involved with somebody... and I was wondering if you've been putting on weight? It's very important for men to have women who are in shape."

I looked at him. Aghast! How could he?!? WHat was he saying? I said something like, what if I am? And something like: "but, but.... I thought that you love somebody no matter what?!? Weight isn't supposed to matter!" To which he responded something like: "That's what guys say, but that's not really what they feel. Ask any guy - they like women who are in shape, and yes, once the attraction wears off... because the woman has stopped taking care of herself.... well the guy will look elsewhere."

So, instead of stalking furiously out of the restaurant I thought "Really!? That's really how it is?! Am I so idealistic to think that things like that don't matter?!?"

And thus began X's obsession about how I look. What I wear, how I put on my make up, the color of my hair... And all of these things I have remembered But this weekend I remembered how he watched. me. He would watch what I ate. "You're eating a lot for such a little person." "Are you sure you want that? It's so fattening?" "Well, I don't know, should we go for that icecream? Have you gone for a run today?" Or just the look. Looking at me. Watching me. Passing judgement on every item of food that would pass through my lips.

So, I'd eat my treats at work. I"d sneak food when he wasn't there. Why I didn't just tell him to shut the fuck up and leave me the hell alone you stupid obsessive compulsive freak?!? I have no idea. Obvioulsy I had/have my own set of body image issues that would have allowed me to put up with that. Somehow believing him.

So, you know, soon after he moved out I lost weight. Lots of weight. And before I go on, something has to be clarified here. I have never, by any stretch of the imagination, been even what you would call fat. Or even somebody you would look at an think "she needs to lose a few pounds. My ideal weight is 105-107. I usually hover around 110-113. I think the most I've ever been is 118. But, since I am small each pound really does make a difference. It makes a difference as to how my clothes fit, etc, etc.

After X moved out I went down to 105. Just like that. The pounds fell off. I felt so good. But now what's starting to happen is I feel like I'm puttning weight on again (and I don't know how much, I can just tell by how my clothes fit) & I'm realizing all these feelings it's conjuring up in me...

But it was just so weird to remember how that was... being in a restaurant, and thinking about what I *really* wanted to eat, but how I knew X would make a comment - so I'd order the steamed veggies, with the sauce on the side, and no, no thank you, I don't feel like dessert tonght.....

Thirteen Things about My High School Years that Make me Smile (not wince) at their memory. (I guess enough time has passed...) 1…. Being old enough to take advantage of "Open Campus" and actually leaving the school grounds during the school day. (On a free period. Of course. Not when I'd have class! Never do that!) 2... Walking down the street singing Baba O'Reily (The Who) w/H. (Nope, not wincing yet!) 3... Laughing hysterically w/H. about pygmies getting hit on the head with pieces of the falling Skylab. (Remember that?) And how they'd have to wear skylab crash helmets. 4... Sneaking out the side door at school and drinking "surprise" which was soda in a soda bottle mixed with some sort of alcohol. 5.. Sniffing Rush in Mrs. McPartland's biology class. ("Will you kids stop sniffing whatever it is you're sniffing back there and pay attention!" And this was at a nice suburban school - can you say: "What a different time?!?" What do you think a teacher would do NOW?! 6... Writing my term paper on Radical Groups of the 60's, and wishing oh so much that I was a teenager back then... 7... Daydraming about Jim Morrison.... 8... Daydreaming about Mick Jagger... 9... Getting tickets through the ticket lottery for the Rolling Stones concert ("Still LIfe" I think) with Maggie and sitting with her while she was tripping on two (not one, but two) hits of mescaline. (She had taken one before and it "did nothing" so why not take two when she's with ME?!) 10. Maggie getting 100% on her English exam the next day(I did NOT) while she was up all night still tripping. 11... Putting my "Question Authority" pin on my bag and feeling soooo cool.... 12... Seeing Al Pacino on stage in American Buffalo... ahhhh Al Pacino... 13... Having a crush on R.M. the entire four years of high school (and ok, actually a little beyond. But I'm over it now. Really.). Never talking to him 'til senior year when he started to date a friend of mine... Leading me to understand why they call it a "crush." Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Oh, my aching brain...

So if any of you have read over there X has told me that he will no longer pay what we agreed upon was his share of child care. He reduced it by a few hundred. Plus made a few other cuts. I told him I don't agree, and he said he's getting an attorney.

He said that I am "selfish" "illogical" "greedy" and obviously don't care at all about his "standard of living." Yep. That's what he said. He doesn't want to deal with my selfishness for the next 20 years.

Funny, because all I'm asking for is the state mandated minimum.

And I'm sorry if it makes life difficult for him - but the other way makes life difficult for ME - and that in turn makes life difficult for the kids.... Soooo... well given that equation, I guess the three of us come out ahead.

But of course, in true X fashion he sent me another email last night with a new negotiation figure. After he said he would not negotiate any more. I'm realizing that what he wants is a guarantee that what I spend on child care won't go above a certain number - so that he will know what he's in for. He wants certainty. But then, don't we all? And I don't know what I'm going to find in terms of child care - and I don't know how much it's going to cost.... so how can I agree to that?

He's so inconsistent & really doesn't know what he wants himself... just that he wants to feel secure with his money.

Part of me so wants to just hand this all over to an attorney... just sit back and let that person take care of it all... But another part doesn't want to go that route... the anger, the mistrust, the non-communication - the possible involvement of the kids... also, of course there's the money. But shit - we've probably spent that much with all the mediation. Glad that was money put to good use. At least most of it was from our joint funds...

I'm going to call an attorney today - but also have to think of all the repercussions... pro and con.

I really, really, REALLY just want all this shit to be overwith already.

It's the Great Pumpkin!

Swing on a star...

Sometimes it's just amazing to me just how many mood swings I can go through in a day. Even without PMS! (Although.... hang on.....ok. Maybe a little bit of PMS - but still!)

Woke up this morning with that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had emailed X the day before, telling him that if he's living with his girlfriend I would like more for child support because 1) He will not be spending as much; 2) I will need to hire a sitter if he cannot take the children on Wednesdays.

So I was a little anxious about hearing back from him. I don't usually take the bull by the horns like that... you know - take the aggressive/assertive stance.

Then he sends me back this email - telling me how he will not pay more than $300 for child care (after Sept 2007) will only pay $500 per chlld for camp, etc, etc, etc.

Well, it totally knocked me for a loop. What am I going to do? How am I going to deal with this? I CAN'T deal with it... I'm just going to have to get a lawyer...

Then I'm out, walking to a client, and I realize: Hey - we've already drafted an agreement. WHat he wants are CHANGES. *I* am in the power seat. He wants changes to the status quo and it is up to me to grant them. Or not. OR - if I don't, it is up to HIM to hire an attorney...

If I want, I can fight him about getting more - but at this point I don't think I have to worry about getting anything less. I'm not sure if a draft of an agreement is enforceable.... but if he starts just doing his own thing in terms of payments... well, even he would know that's not Kosher.

So, by the time I get back to my office, I'm feelin' kinda good. I mean, really -- my life right now *is* so good. I love my job. I love my boyfriend. I love my kids. I have good friends, I do fun things. I make a difference.

Now if only somebody would come with a bag of oranges & tend to X... things would be nearly perfect.

As I was saying....

Well, as I was saying on the other blog, actually - X is moving in with his girlfriend. So I'm pretty much ok with it. At least I am in terms of the him moving on with his life aspect of it - but as I wrote HERE -and here (and there will be more, I promise!) there are a whole host of other issues that are bugging me about this.

So one of the things I've been thinking about is the whole when do the new boyfriends/girlfriends stay over? Or the whole sleeping arrangement thing. So far X has been sleeping in his girlfriend's bed - with the two kids - when they come over & she sleeps on the couch. THat can't last.

And probably my kids are two young to really understand the whole thing... (sex and all, I mean) but why do I feel so self conscious about it? Like I"m thinking - ok, once they see me in bed (sleeping, just sleeping!) with J - then that is when the trrauma will start! That is when they will think "My Dad is gone." I don't know. I don't know where that comes from. Because logically I understand that once they get to know the boyfriend/girlfriend it should progress naturally/organically... and seeing the person in the bed should NOT be anything but natural.

(And I was then, of course worrying about the whole sex before marraige thing - and "don't do what I do, do what I say." But H. reminded me I can just say: "No sex until you are a grown-up." WHich is probably much more realistic. So that helped me out of that potential moral morass.)

I wrote to X that we need to (should, I wrote should - not need too! Need to would be far to directive and nagging!!) talk about the sleeping arrangements - once he moves in w/his girlfriend. But now I'm thinking that maybe I'm really just putting up roadblocks for him & that isn't so important.

I don't know - this whole divorce/post divorce life is just too confusing for me. And also, I know myself - I think, think, over think, and then think again about stuff that should just be left well enough alone. And in the process, make myself just a wee bit crazy. And in terms of everything else, maybe this should just be put on the back burner for a while...

MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME

1. FIRST NAME? Amy
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Don't think so - Hebrew name after my Dad's mom, though.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Wednesday
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? absolutely NOT
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDSWITH YOU? Are you kidding? We'd be BFF!!
7. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Ummm - this? And this
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No, no a thousand times, NO
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Hmmm, I like Lucky Charms, but mostly just the marshmallows... otherwise some granola-y sort of cereal... I usually mix a bunch of them together. Like lotsa stuff in each spoonful!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Not unless I'd pull a muscle trying to get them off otherwise.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Mentally/emotionally - yes - physically - not so much. (Although I'm stronger than I look! Remember, I was the ONLY one helping X move - and you know he would have called the strongest person he knows to help him, right?
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Hmm, pistachio, or ginger, or... well - like the cereal I love icecream with lotsa stuff in it, too - like chocolate cookie thin mint oatmeal raisin... You get the idea.
14. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 4.5-5
15. RED OR PINK? Now I want to know why this has to be an either or... different colors for different circumstances, I say! But, I suppose, if pressed.... ummm... pink.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU? my thighs!
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Sarah, Linda, Maggie ...
18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Jeans; black socks
20. LAST THING YOU ATE? Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The Replacements - Let it Be.
22. If YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? steel grey
23. FAVORITE SMELL? Hmmm, can't say I have one. They're mood based, I think.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE. The C-Town Delivery Man - wanting to know if he had the Halloween Candy and yogurt I bought - and when he was going to bring them over.
25 THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? their smile
27. FAVORITE DRINK? Ice Cold Beer on hot summer night/day, hot chocolate on cold day, hot tea when feeling a bit under the weather.
28. FAVORITE SPORT? Does this count as a sport?
29. EYE COLOR? hazel
30. HAT SIZE? Do people still do that? No idea. I do know I have a very tiny head...
31. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope.
32. FAVORITE FOOD? lobster.
33. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings - without a doubt.
34. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? black
35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summersummersummer!!!
36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING TO DO IN LIFE? Spending time with my family, with J....
37. FAVORITE DESSERT? Hmmm, apple pie ala mode or cheesecake.

Same on the other blog

This is me.

"You're such a Mom!"

Those were almost the first words my friend S. said to me when I stepped onto her (and her boyfriend's) 82 foot mega-yacht.

S. and I have known each other for nearly 20 years. We worked together when we were both in our mid-twenties to mid -thirties at a non-profit student exchange organization. I made most of my "best" friends there - and those years were some of the best - and wildest- of my life. We went out nearly every night, flirted our butts off, felt totally full of ourselves and generally had a great time. (Of course you DO know I'm leaving out the bits about 1) having no money living in NYC working at a non-profit; 2) Being hung over every other day; 3) waiting, waiting, waiting, pining and waiting for that guy to call...; and dealing with the 4) But why DIDN'T he call?!?! -- RIght? You know that? This is only about the good parts of that part of my life. Don't ruin it by bringing up reality, ok?!?)

S. met her current boyfriend about 8 or so years ago, and moved away. We haven't seen each other in about 4, and in that time I've done birthed two babies, graduated from graduate school, and ended a marriage. She, on the other hand, has been flying the globe in her boyfriend's private plane, going on amazing trips, and living in this new mega-yacht for about 6 months out of each year.

I wish there was some way to describe this ship to truly do it justice- all wood and granite, three floors (did I mention there's a captain, first mate and stewardess!) three bedrooms (master and two guest) kitchen, living room.... you get the picture. So, so, so beautiful...

But, when I got on the boat & she saw my necklace (It's of two kids, kinda holding hands, I guess) that's when she made the comment -- and honestly I wasn't really sure how to respond. "Yes, I am" I guess would have been the most appropriate... but - the awe of the boat, being helped on by a captain and first mate, the whole.... amazingdreamlikesplendor of the whole thing (ok, that came on later, when we were on our third bottle of wine - but still!)

And I wasn't upset about the comment, although it's obviously stuck in my mind... I miss my friend a lot - even more after spending time with her the other night. And maybe seeing how her life is mostly made up of cruising, cocktail parties, and museums.... well - just made me realize how much of her life I don't understand and how much of mine she doesn't, either. (Which could also be because neither of us has had a good chunk of time to talk to each other in such a long time! Cruising an Momming - the biggest time suckers!)

And not that there's anything wrong with that - because actually our lives were vastly different before -- and I don't really know that there's a point to this post, except for me to kind of get these thoughts out...

But I think I also kinda realized that even though I might be pretty jealous of parts of her life (especially the walk in closet with the chest of drawers inside!) I think we're both really well suited for where we are. She is totally suited for this lifestyle - can handle it without becoming overwhelmed... and I -- well, really - if I wasn't "such a mom" would I ever even WEAR such a cheesy necklace?!?

(Don't answer. Rhetorical.)

Thirteen Things that I don't like, that annoy me, that bug me, that irk me, and just piss me off - even when I'm not PMSing - the big things and the really inconsequential little ones, too.1…. When you wash your hands at a public bathroom you usually have to reach up a bit to get a paper towel, causing the water to drip down your arms! 2..... People who stop on the top of the subway steps to finish their cell phone conversations before they go underground - causing others who are going down to go around them, and then blocking the people who want to come up. 3.... People who wait until the last minute on a check out line to get their change out... then count out all their change to pay for their items. 4.... People who use other people's pet peeves in order to get the requisite 13. 5.... Jews for Jesus (You can't be Jewish and believe that Jesus is the messiah, and will you get the heck out of my face!) 6.... People who talk louder to non-English speakers. They're not deaf, they just don't speak English! 7.... People who call Bono "Bono" (think Sonny Bono). 8.... People who take themselves way too seriously and get irked by people who call Bono "Bono" (ala Sonny Bono). 9.... Tom Cruise. 10.... Fanatics of any kind: vegetarian/PETA, religious, political.... 11.... People who try to get into the subway car before we've all left. Come on, guys, the train isn't going to leave - just give us the space to get out, ok?!? 12.... Reverse snobs - Why do you automatically hate that guy just because he works on Wall Street? YOu know nothing about him, except that he's wearing a suit. And you live in the East Village, but hey, there's no friggin' way you're a starving artist - because rents there are higher than they are here! 13.... Loud, obnoxious, cigar smoking drunk men in suits. (Oops!) Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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We were stuck in traffic Sunday - absolute total standstill traffic for FOUR HOURS - because of this accident....

While we were sitting there, dying to use a toilet (we all ended up in the woods off the side of the road) we cursed the people who caused this... all the while reminding each other that they were in an accident & probably much worse off than we were....

Total Vent

Please forgive the absolutely positively exhautedly tired, probably rambly, total vent -- but I can see I'm not going to be able to get to sleep without getting this out. I'm so pissed off....

You guys know how I met w/X about three weeks ago to go over our mediation agreement. He bugged me, nagged me & pushed me to set up the date - saying that if I couldn't find somebody to stay with the kids then he would have his girlfriend stay w/them, etc, etc...

So, we met & he was all: "We have to get this resolved right away..." He made some suggestions/changes, etc that I said I had to think about. We agreed that HE would type up an email to the mediator with our ideas. Ok. Two days come & go after our meeting & he hasn't typed anything. SO - I type up a recap & how I feel about stuff & actions we need to take.

About a week later he asks me: "Any thoughts on what we discussed? Time is money, you know!" I told him that I had sent him an email, and he should read it.

Two weeks go by - I hear nothing. I email him this past weekend: What the heck is going on? Why is he not responding? Let's get going w/this....

He emails back one thing: "The sticking point is the $300 per month maximum in daycare, etc. Until that is resolved everything is moot, right."

He doesn't address ANYTHING ELSE in this LONG email that I sent, he has not answered ANY questions that I asked, or ANYTHING!!!

Plus, does he really fucking think that $300 per month is enough for child care for two children?!?! WTF?!??!?! By LAW he is supposed to pay pro-rata for child care. Since I saw how much he was paying for child support, knew what sort of bills he had to pay, and how much he was earning, I said that we did not have to do the pro-rata thingy & let him contribute $800/month for child care & agree to not contribute to extra-currics until Sept '07 - when both kids will be in public school & we won't need full time child care.

I totally gave in on everything, but like I said - I saw his reality & it wouldn't be in anybody's interest to bankrupt him.... and figured that if I wanted to do extra-currics... well.... I just would. (ALthough both parents are legally responsible for contributing pro-rata to that, too.) And figured the amount it would cost me would still be less than an attorney to fight it.

But now, if he's gonna stick on this.... and not just go to the pro-rata as of Sept '07..... shit I don't know what to do. It seems so crazy to go to a lawyer now - after we're 99% done!

He so doesn't see it. He sees it that I"m just taking all his money. But what he doesn't know is that I could be oh so much worse... (And when I mentioned that to him one time he was like: 'listen, I earn more, I have a full time job (which was then - not now!) and I can take custody of the kids! So don't start talking like you're the "good" one - I could go for more, too..." Yes, it's truly amazing the way his mind works, isn't it?

This divorce is as much of a friggin' nightmare as the marriage... although yes, I know, it could be worse... I'm lucky that he's so "good" to me.

A Spork With an Added Edge - New York Times

A Spork With an Added Edge - New York Times

Now, THIS is cool - cooler than the Cozi, and much cooler than the stuff in the One Step Ahead catalogues....

Thirteen Things that my kids have done, just today, that made me smile1…. Thinking they could prevent a punishment by telling me what they did wrong from the distance of our fifth floor balcony. 2.... Watching tv on the couch - standing on their heads. 3.... Singing along to Elton John on the Muppet Show - playing toy guitars. 4.... Telling me that he wants to tell his first grade teacher that my mom's cousin is going to jail. (Yes, he is. Federal. 18 months. X told him - I wouldn't have.) 5.... Telling me: "Boo Yankees! Yea Mets!" 6.... Insisting that I sit with them on the couch to watch Beeker's Hair pop off - and laugh hysterically each time we watch it. 7.... Talking about the boy in the playground who was wearing a Red Power Ranger Costume... and could I get them one? 8.... Thinking that I'd really have thirteen things I could list. 9.... Telling me the story of Christopher Columbus, then singing, under his breath, the "Columbus on the Ocean Blue" not thinking I can hear him. 10.... Telling me that he has packed plastic spiders, vampire bats, and tarantulas, upon hearing that my sister will be sharing a room with us on our weekend away this weekend - knowing how she is SO scared of spiders.... (Wait. Could I make that sentence any more awkward? Awkwarder? Aardvark? Sorry. Too tired.) 11.... Nathan telling me that his teacher said I can't send in popcorn for lunch, and how he does NOT want yogurt, it's too much - and could I PLEASE make sure to include the Scooby Fruit Roll-ups - NOT the other fruit roll ups. The Scooby ones. 12.... Going to sleep with the fan on, even though it's like 50 degrees out - and putting the fans RIGHT NEXT TO their heads - so that their hair is blowing back like they're dogs with their heads stuck out a window. 13.... They fell asleep together, in the same bed. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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