The Crying Game

I had a really great weekend. And I also spent a large part of it crying. NOt happy tears. I"m actually still trying to puzzle it out....



Friday night J and I met my parents to go for Friday night Shabbat services at this synogogue we like: B'nai Jeshururn. Actually my parents' synogogue on Long Island made a field trip to NYC to go to this synogogue. It gets huge crowds & Friday night there was standing room only! It's very different than "your parents' synogogue.." It's dynamic, spiritual, musical and meaningful. Not at all the old service that you feel so detatched from... So they all came & we met my sister & uncle after and all had dinner together.



Oh - some background here: I found out a few weeks ago that they changed the time of the local public school where Max and Nathan will be attending this Fall. Last year the day started at 8 and went until 2:40 -- now breakfast/early drop off is at 8:20 & school day starts @ 8:40 - ends at 3:00 pm. Since I will only have a babysitter part-time starting September (from 2-6) that means I'll be bringing the kids in & then going to work. Before my boss was ok 'cause I'd be in by 9:30 the latest. Now.... So I was pretty panicked about it.



I don't want to work flex time, because that will mean coming home at 7-7:30 each night. I can't live like that. So, I came up with the idea of working one weekend day a month to catch up - or one night late a week. I figured one week my parents, one week my sister and one week J. I mentioned it to my boss & I have to say she's really great. She said not to worry - that she knows how difficult it is - and that we'll work it out.



So, over dinner Friday I tell them my idea. The response came at me rapid fire: "Couldn't you ask your sitter to stay longer?" "We'll pay her to stay longer for you?" "Isn't it time you've found a local sitter?" "Well, your mother and I have the theater group, the synogogue board, this and that, and this and that..." "I have stuff to do!"



So, I did what any normal person would do - I shut down. I said ok. Forget it. Let's move on. I didn't think it was such a big deal - if I did I wouldn't have brought it up at a dinner out.

My Dad looks at me with this totally angry face (you know how parents get those!) and says "I get the feeling that you think we don't do enough for you. Don't help you out. And it upsets me." I'm still shut down and just say "ok. ok. Let's move on." I just couldn't even begin to discuss this. J was there. His daughter. My Uncle.
My sister: "You never want to discuss anything. Never want to talk about it. We want to help - but you never let us."

J whispers to me: "Forget it. R & I will come over. We will stay with the kids. Don't worry."

Yeah, I guess it was that being attacked feeling that kinda made me feel like you weren't really trying to help me -- but figure out a way that you didn't have to do it yourself.

So, we get through dinner. It was fun. We go out & J, his daughter & I walk up to his apartment. J goes "You know, I don't like to get involved.... but.... if those were my parents I'd tell them if they didn't want to help that they couldn't see the kids. It's not about just playing with them -- you need help, too."

And you know - any other time something like this has happened I haven't had a Witness. So I leave feeling all battered & bruised & that it's my fault. Who am I to ask them? They have their lives. They're busy. I'm so needy. Selfish. Inconsiderate.

But now here's J telling me that I'm asking them for a one night a month commitment - and it's no big deal - and they are the ones being selfish.

We get back to his place. I cry.

We go to the beach the next day. I cry.

Sunday I wake up in a bad mood. Later in the day. I cry.

I've been trying to analyze what exactly is so upsetting to me - the anger from my dad? The abandonded feeling? The attacked feeling?

And oh. Come home. Pigeon stuck on balcony.

I need a vacation.

But who would watch the kids?

Passover Part Two

I wrote about Passover part 1 - over on Xanga --- but here's part two.

The second night of Passover - for the second seder - we will be going to J's sister's house. I will be meeting his parents & his neices. My boys will be meeting his parents & his neices. For the first time. At the seder. A nice, calm relaxing first meeting - dontcha think?

I mean, I'm nervous and I'm not. I suppose I would have preferred meeting his parents first - just the four of us - before this. Before I have to have five eyes to keep on my kids who will be in a strange house, with strange things and people they have not met before.

No pressure, or anything.

And that's not to mention that this will be the first time my kids will be sitting through BOTH parts of the seder.... so imagine, if you will... sitting at a table (albeit with food, singing, etc, etc) for a good three hours or so. My kids. While a service is going on.

No pressure, or anything.

So, we'll be going there the second night... and I'll be meeting his parents, watching my kids, worrying about their behavior, worrying about them eating, worrying about my behavior, worrying about my eating... worrying about the state of the world we live in, worrying if the gerbil is ok, worrying about US debt, worrying about if they spill something on the table, worrying about if I left the coffee pot on....

No pressure, or anything.

I'm joking. Half joking. I'm a little bit worried about all this... I mean, it will be a lot - but then I just have to realize that they're kids, that his family are probably all very nice & oh - have a few glasses of wine.

Nice

You know, just before, in my other blog, I posted about how things feel a bit... down now... or off, But I really should have written about how things have been here. In my house. For the past two or three weeks.

Nice. They've been really really nice.

Since the kids came back from X's for that long weekend... something happened. Like we all had a renewed appreciation for each other. Maybe I had a final realization how it must be for them, there, and my reactions to them changed - I don't know.

I'm trying to think of how to explain it... because so much of it is just a feeling. They're still talking the bathroom talk, still running around slamming doors, knocking stuff off shelves (ask me how much that sound scared me - from the other room!). But we look at each other differently. Max comes over for hugs. We sit with each other differently... The level of tension is down. For all of us. (Which is even more amazing considering the PMS from hell I've had the past week.) There are more smiles. More talking. More relating.

I keep feeling like... we're a family unit. The three of us. More cohesive. And we're just all appreciating that and each other.

You know you want more!

Just because I don't talk about him enough.... Who?!? You're wondering. Who does she not talk about enough?!? it's not X. It's not J. Those two opposite ends of the pole are all she ever talks about... well, ok - a bit about her kids... a bit about her work... but it's always those two...

Sigh, yes, it is. And look! Here, for your viewing pleasure is..... MORE! It'll be quick and painless though, i promise.

Spoke to X yesterday. He will be with the kids & his girlfriend up by; where I will be tomorrow & I had suggested that we all meet. We can meet in McDonalds - so a relaxed place, for a finite/limited amount of time... But no. He won't do it. He said he wants to wait 'til this "divorce thing" is settled. He's too angry at me trying to squeeze all this money out of him. Ok. Whatever. (I'm so dying to meet her, though!! So dying!)

But he also told me how rude my parents were to him at Nathan's birthday party last Sunday. Apparently my Dad didn't even say hello, and my mom just gave a quick hello and then they both studiously ignored him the entire time. The air, he said, was frigid.

So, I've been thinking about it. And I'm not going to say anything to my parents. I mean, the next time they see him will probably not be until May, or so.... so what's the point. 20 million things could happen between now and then. BUT, while I feel that they are more than entitled to be angry at him, I don't really feel that he should be subjected to the Siberian Tundra. (Are there tundras in Siberia? Ha! Looked it up! There are! But anyhow...)

The goal is really to keep this as "normal" as we can - for the kids - and my kids pick up inklings of thoughts... nevermind outright actions.... so I'm sure (if they haven't already) they will pick up the vibes.

And. Well. Honestly. They don't have to be friends, not at all! But they should at least be moderately friendly. Ish. Kinda sorta.

Anger? Or not.

So, today is Nathan's birthday. We had the party yesterday; you can read about it here. On Saturday we went to my parents & J & his daughter came out in the evening for dinner, cake and presents. It was really really nice. My parents were so impressed how all the "kids" jelled together so nicely & how comfortable it all feels. It was nice (again with that word!) to hear that from an "outside" source (again with the ""!) because it all just happened so organically with us and the kids that I guess I don't really think about it/analyze it. (What?! Me not analyze?!?)

I told my parents that J's sister invited the kids & I to her house for Passover & while I had thought they would be all upset -- as in "what will we do without you?" They looked at each other with this really happy look on their faces. Parents! You just never know with them!

But anyhow, that really wasn't this post was going to be about.

X was at Nathan's bowling party - on Sunday. First words from my dad: "Oh, he's bald. Good." And it kind of went on like that.

When I spoke to my friend H, after the party, she told me how my Dad said something to her about X being a "bastard" leaving his wife & kids.... and how he's not going to talk to him. H told him he didn't have to talk to him, but wasn't it so nice how I had moved on... and was in a good place now. Dad. Time to move on, too. She said my mom voiced the same sort of sentiments to her, too.

X says to me: "Wow, the warmth I'm feeling here is incredible. I know my family wouldn't be like that with you. They haven't been like that with you." When I mentioned that perhaps our situations were different he didn't understand. Ok. If you don't understand, then I suppose I can't explain - but I think most people would. Understand. Understand?

Then H comes over to me at the party - X is strongly hinting to her that she drive him to the subway. It's about a mile and a half to the subway - in the freezing cold. She told me that she pretended she wasn't getting the hints & wouldn't drive him. I kinda said well, you know, it's cold.... so we compromised that she would drive him to the bus -that would take him to the subway.

So I guess all this has left me thinking about my anger. I know I have it - but it comes out more in incidents than this constant feeling of, I guess, hating him - or wishing him ill will. I mean, I wish he would disappear -- but I don't want to drive by him walking down the street while I'm all warm in a car & he's shivering.

So, I have no answer for this (for a change!) just kind of wondering, to myself (and now I guess to all of you) if I should feel/have felt more anger or if it's better like this.... Probably, like most things, it falls somewhere in between.

What a loooong week!

I don't know, guys, doesn't it feel like this week is just dragging on.... I keep thinking tomorrow is Friday - and it's not!!!

Yesterday I went to meet with the "review attorney" the one who I reviews the divorce agreement X and I worked out with our mediator. She is out outside eyes.

I didn't realize it, but I must have been really, really nervous about seeing her - which I think also played into my mood on Monday. When I left her office I just felt such a huge surge (hmm, where have I heard that word before?) of relief!

But, I'm sure you're curious! What did she say, what did she say?!? Well, I'll tell ya'. She said it looked like a good agreement. The one thing that she said she felt I should try to change was that we would split college costs 50-50 -- she felt it should be pro-rata.

She also said that "add-ons" like extra curriculars, child care while the mother works, and summer camp would actually be mandated pro-rata if we did this through the court. I knew that about child care, did not know that about the others.

X had said he would pay pro-rata child care - but put a cap on it. So if I wanted to pay a sitter more than $10 an hour I'd be paying the extra.

She also said that any court would make him pay his pro-rata share of Hebrew School/Religious Education. She said the court always sees value in that. When I explained X's... issues.. with Hebrew School (and this really has nothing to do with his religion - I know Jewish people who do not like to send their kids to Hebrew School for the same reasons as X). She told me that it would probably cost about $20,000.00 if I wanted to take him to court for it. Ummm, no thanks.

Also, honestly, I just can't fight him over this one.

So, she's going to ask/tell his attorney that I would like him to pay full pro-rata for child care & also camp & extra currics & we'll see what happens. Hopefully his attorney will say "well, if you went to court you'd have to..." and he'll give. If not, it's still definitely liveable.

But you know, I was just so glad that she didn't tell me that the agreement was crap. That she didn't say something like: "What the heck is the matter with you?!? You let him get away with so much!" I've become so unsure of everything... people are all like "get as much as you can, get as much as you can" and I'm stuck feeling like 1) I need to get enough for the children; 2) if I bankrupt this man, or he's not living in the style that he feels he should - then he will, quite honestly, make my life a living hell.

Which is worse?

Throughout this whole process (it feels like) not one person has said to me "Amy, you know what you're doing." Or, "Yes, that was a good decision." More like they're all kinda thinking.... she's too nice, she's too wimpy, she's gonna give in.

And I did - but that's also called negotiation. He did, too.

So anyhow, I felt good that she said that. Really good.

Today I called my parents to tell them about it. Spoke to my mom, the last of the red hot buzz kills. "Oh. She said that?" "Well, what about this? And is he paying for this? And shouldn't he pay more for that?" And I know, I know, I know she just wants whats best. But doesn't she know that all I want is for her to say something like: "That's great. Good job. YOu worked long and hard at getting this agreement done & you must feel good that the attorney said that."

In the end when she realized I was getting a wee bit annoyed she said something like "Well, if you believe that attorney, then I guess that's good." Ugh. And I suppose I have to believe her. I hired her. I have to put my trust in one person, don't I? I mean what? Should I keep looking for attorneys until I get to one who says: "you need to get more, more, more from him?" Then will that be the right one? The one to believe?

I liked this woman. Got a good vibe from her. And honestly, our agreement is not high finance. She even intimated..."well, the numbers involved are not very high..." We have no car, no house, not so many assets (damn that graduate school that sucked them up!) so for her to look through that agreement and see what's what was not so tough.

Also, I did an in detail budget for her & she saw what I needed.

Listen (ok, look!) at me - here I am rationalizing/explaining it to you! Trying to talk myself into it.

It's all about me, me, ME!

So, here comes today's big confession: I'm a selfish, selfish woman. I simply cannot devote as much time and attention to my kids as they need.

The tough time is right after work. I come home, I need to read my mail, read my email, change out of my work clothes, and just really debrief myself. Problem is, of course, that my kids have not seen me all day and have lots of things to show and tell me.

And I just. Cannot. Deal. I have told them time and time again: "please, let me change into my sweats. Please, let me put down my bag, take off my shoes... just sit for a few minutes..." but they can't. And I can't. And it makes me feel so awful, and each day I say to myself: "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will do all that stuff later and just focus on them when I get home." And I still can't.

If they wake me at 2, 3, or 4am - I can focus on them. In the morning, I can focus - but please, the time between 6-7 pm... I need it for ME. I just do.

What planet am I living on?!?

So yesterday I'm talking to my parents & my dad kind of mentions.... that "since you and [the X] have been communicating better... maybe you should try getting back together."

HUUUUUUHHHH?!?!? Perhaps he should read this article that I read in my friend Gwen's Blog ... or perhaps he might want to rethink and remember everything I've said to him in the past... oh... two years.

Sometimes I really feel like I might live in a different reality. Like maybe I told this stuff to parents who have.... now wait..... go with me on this one.... been taking over by pods?!? Could that be?!?

Something to think about.

Pppppassssssover

So, this will be the third year that we wll be celebrating Passover without the X. The first year he didn't want to come... felt too uncomfortable - and the second year my Dad suggested an invitation & I wondered (outloud) if perhaps he had been out in the sun too long.

Not that we don't do stuff together -the X and I - we do. Well, less than we did before, but we still both do stuff that will actively support the kids. But this... the seder... too personal. Actually, just too much still in the family circle.

Because, ultimately you could still be friends (or friendly, I suppose) with an X - but I do think you lose the right to be an intimate: to still be a part of that family circle.

I'm still in touch with the X's family... I try to send them photos of the kids, keep them updated on what's going on with them... -- but do I tell them the family gossip? Do I still think of them as "intimates?" No. I don't. I like them - and know they'll always be around because of the kids... but that's it.

And, I've been realizing, that I've been measuring time like this: College, post-college, pre-X, X, and post- X. Those are all such distinct times in my life. Each one so different - and also *I* was so different. Each one a growth and change -- that I feel has been drastic. And, I'm thinkin' that the post college/pre-X, and post-X times have been the best. Oooh, you're saying - what does that say about your marriage?

Not a whole heck of a lot.

Things have, really, for all the chaos and tummult (is that a word?) been so good post-X. I've had enough amazing times and experiences and revelations, and feelings.... that.... well.... maybe I can't even put it into words.

And of course, it's not done yet.