The Real one!

I just checked & apparently the other post was just a photo of the Great Duck Chase of '07. This is the video. (Short, but a video.)

I'm not sure what the purpose was. I don't know what the purpose was of the entire place - it didn't teach anything except for kids to have absolutely NO respect for animals

Farm Trip

The kids were told to go into the cage and chase the ducks - that the ducks would run all together around the cage. Is that not the most apalling thing you have ever heard of? I mean, I'm far from being an animal rights anything.... but come on!!

Growing....

Some background, I guess, on Nathan & the testing. When he was around 2 his pediatrician noticed that he was below the curve on weight and height. She did some blood work & he tested low for the growth hormone.

Over the years we've had him followed by a pediatric endocrinologist. What it meant was blood tests about every six months, and coming into his office to be weighed and measured. (Nathan. Not me. Thank goodness!)

His hormone level soon came back up, and while it took him a while to make it on to the charts he was always growing. He actually always followed the chart exactly, the same growth rate, just right below...

Last year he had an x-ray of his hand to check his bone age. If the bone age is the same as the age represented in his actual current height weight, that's good. Meaning: his current height/weight is for a 2 year old, and his bone age is also for a two year old - even though he's five. But that's good - means that he'll probably catch up. If his bone age was for a five year old & height weight for a 2 year old, that would be a "problem." (And by problem I need to put this in perspective... the most he would need would be daily hormone shots. It's not life threatening, it's not more invasive than that....)

After that the Dr. pretty much said he was ok & that he didn't need to come any more... but then he tested a bit low on his thyroid - so the Dr suggested the big (FOUR HOUR) test that we did two weeks ago. Even at the test the Dr said he didn't think there was anything... because even though Nathan's small... he hasn't actually ever stopped growing. He said if there was a deficiency, he'd have stopped growing.

So, hopefully that's that. And honestly, while I want my child to be the best and the healthiest he can be... all this testing makes me wonder .... to what end? I mean, subjecting him to all this so he could be a few inches taller? It's not like it's a serious health issue, or anything... And this Dr is actually very conservative with his testing! But it's done - and I actually didn't even have those thoughts until after we went through the 4 hour test and it was so dreadful... if I went back in time & was told to do it again, would I? Put us all through that? Siigghhh.... I'd like to say "no" but I'm not so sure.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are wise, insightful, and brilliant. Your wit is sharp and occasionally hurtful... Revealing your scorn for people with less intelligence. Underneath it all, you feel burdened by the stupidity of humanity. You know what's right in the world, but it's overshadowed by everything that's wrong. People see you as arrogant. While this is partially true, you are also very sensitive.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Ahhhh humanity.... I feel so burdened... y'all are just so stupid! What's up with that?!?! (C'mon, gotta have some fun with this stuff!)

Test Results

I spoke to Nathan's pediatric endocrinologist today & his growth hormone levels are absolutely normal! They're not even low! They are right exactly in range! Hooray!! And what makes this even better is that every other time we've tested the levels it's just been a "regular" blood test. This one was the Big Test - so it's really the final say.

And, can I say how much I love his doctor. This guy is the chief of pediatric endocrinology over at NYU - and he answers his own phone, is kind approachable... and loves my son! He just does. I can see his face light up when he sees him... and what mother doesn't like to see that. (Ok, what mother doesn't like to see that on a non-threatening, not a stranger, male. Anybody else - stay the F away!)

So, just still keeping him the low level of synthroid & just have to bring him back in Dec for a final follow up. Dr. says he's probably have a growth spurt when he's 12 or so. I'll keep you posted.

(Oh my. Would that be a good or a bad thing if I'm still doing this blog in 7 years...?)

Food Glorious Food

So I'm doing this - trying to raise money for the NYC Food Bank. (And there is supposed to be some way to get that button on your website and not have it be just a picture, but link to my donations web page.... But - no - I could not figure it out.

I don't know. I got a Daily Candy email about it -- and it just kind of jumped out at me. (And maybe, perhaps, could be that the fact that there were no walks involved... could have been a bit of the draw. I'm not saying definitely... but COULD have been.....)

But seriously. I like the fact of how only one dollar can provide five meals. So it makes me feel that the little bit that I can afford to donate will actually make a bit of a difference.... So I feel like this is something I can ask other people to donate to as well.

I know, of course, that all the "big" charities are very very very important and worthwhile... but unfortunately I guess I feel like it's kind of like voting. Does my one little bit make a difference? (I know, I know, every little bit counts, it all adds up... but I'm just being honest here! That's how I feel!)

So - I hope the link works. And I hope that you'll think to maybe donate a few dollars....

Hmmm, where to begin...

Gosh. Ya know, I'm not even sure.... Guess I'll just do chronological. (If you care.)

Tuesday after Hebrew School Max came over to me and said: "Mom, you know the reason why I don't like to go to Hebrew School is that Daddy doesn't get to spend enough time with us. It takes away his time with us. Daddy was saying this to me and he actually had a tear in his eye!! A tear!! And I had one too, 'cause Mom - I want to spend more time with Daddy... and that's why: NO Hebrew School on Sundays!!" And walks away.

I was errr..... just a little bit stunned. How DARE X use our CHILD! To manipulate him like that? To put him in the middle! I bit my tongue (because oh how much did I want to say "And yes, Max - that's why your Dad told me to pick you up at 8 am last week... because he really wants to spend more time with you?!? And that's why he just said to me "Why don't you and J take the boys to their friend's party on Sunday - I don't have a car, don't want to go.") because it was so hard not to be put on the defensive, and just said: "Max. Your father can see you any time he wants. Any time. You are right here. Not in another country. Right here. And you are going to Hebrew School on Sundays. That's it"

Now, before you get as riled up as I did, I spoke to X and he denies ever saying anything to Max. I asked how come Max repeated what he always says - nearly word for word - and he had no answer. I told him that IF he did not say anything to Max, then he needs to be careful to see where Max is when he talks.... I'm not so sure. X is a jerk, but not usually a liar... But....

Then, X and I are talking on Wednesday. He's taking the kids overnight, for the first weeknight overnight since he moved in with his girlfriend... so I'd say about a year. I mentioned about lunch. (You all remember about how he never made the kids lunch?) And he said he didn't have anything to give the boys for lunch Thursday. Calmly I said: "Yes, well, you've known about this for a week. Go out and get food. Or ask your girlfriend to pick some stuff up. Or she stays with them and you go out. There are two of you. It's easy. I don't have that luxury." (Ok, I didn't add the luxury part. Almost. But stopped.)

I then told him exactly. Exactly. To the T. Each and every item I put in the boys lunches. Max: Sandwich, yogurt, juice box and snack. Nathan, Sandwich (only peanut butter or cream cheese), yogurt, juice box and either fruit gummy or fruit roll up. And Nathan needs a mid-day snack, and Nathan's mid day snack cannot make crumbs - so I give him a juice box and a yogurt drink. I mentioned that I'd been giving Nathan these Yo Crunch yogurts. They are a regular sized yogurt and he's been eating the whole thing! They come with mini M&M toppings, so that's why he eats it. X is all " Candy" Candy in his food? What do you feed him? He only eats nuggets!" Keeping my calm I mentioned that if he is able to get Nathan to eat anything else to please let me know... I'd love to hear suggestions. He said that his girlfriend COOKS and that Nathan does eat... but declined to give specifics. (Hmmmm) He then called me Brittney. I hung up.

Why it should upset me that the man with the worst parenting instincts on the planet calls me Brittney I don't know. Should have just laughed it off... but it pissed me right off!

THEN!! THEN! Just when you thought it could get no worse!!! We (unfortunately) had to talk again about the kids' homework. I told X that Max was using an article from Times Kids for his current events. That newspaper articles were just a little bit too much for him (Newspapers being on an 8th grade level and him only being in 2nd grade and all...and don't get me started as to why his teacher has 2nd graders reading regular newspapers....) X had actually printed out an article from Al Jazeera for Max. Uh huh. "Oh, he can read it." Yes, but how much can he comprehend?

Then goes on to say: "Max says to me that he's in the top ten at school, and I ask him why he's not in the top three?" !!!!!!!!!!!! I say "Ummm, I don't know where Max gets that from, there is no ranking.... there is no way he could possibly know something like that and it seems to me that he's probably just looking for some approval from you... and it would be great if you could just say: 'Max! Top ten! That's wonderful!" X says "No. I'm going to ask him why he's not number one." And he's not kidding. And that upset me most of all.

X is with them like he was with me. Never happy. Always critical. Always having unreal expectations and then insulting when not meeting them.... I mean, that poor boy was just how I was..... saying "Look at me! Look what I'm doing! I'm doing so well!" And not getting any affirmation for it, any approval... just "it's not good enough."

The bastard. It just makes me so want to cry.

So when people ask me why I don't want the kids to go to him.... that's why. I'd rather go crazy and have them with me all the time than have them deal with his crap.

Green Meadows Farm

Went with Max on a school trip. It was to a "Farm Museum" which really didn't show a working farm, but just allowed the children to terrorize the animals. (Note the hiding sheep...) But it was nice for me to go, since I don't really get to see Max with his friends so often... or in his "school environment."

Going on the bus

I love this.... Together. The two of them....

Try to remember

the kind of September, when life was slow, and oh, so mellow....

Yeah. Right. Not this one, that's for sure. I am so very glad to see the last day of that month - I can tell you! (And I am, aren't I?)

The month started out with the dogs....a kinda calm, well thought out way to start off the month that school starts? Dontcha think? The month where I lose the babysitter, housekeeper, lifesaver, I've had for the past four years. The month where I have to take my kids to their bus or school each morning, getting in a little bit late every day. Yeah. Smart one there, having those dogs here right before this major life transition. Please. Feel free to remind me of this anytime you see/hear me sounding at all smug or responsible.

Then there was the start of school.... Trying to figure out the bus and getting the kids there without a sitter... and Nathan. Crying every day. Every night. Clinging to me. Sobbing. "I don't want to go to school! It's so big!!" Oy. And of course I know that most children go through something like this at some time in their lives... but... mine never had. This was my first time. Why didn't any of you tell me how horrible it is?!?! Like you're throwing your kids to the lions with nary a care! "Here! Off you go! Into the big school with all new teachers and kids and stuff!"

Then work. I took off the first week of Sept to get the kids set up - which was a good idea.... but of course work backs up when you're out. I go back to work on a short work week (Rosh Hashanah). It's a crazy week. Ok, I manage to save a life or two... but....it was tough. Then there was the client who became ill, the clients who just would not leave me alone. The clients, the clients, the clients. It was tough. It was stressful at work AND stressful at home. And I have to say, I hadn't ever had that before... usually it's one or the other. And that's STILL going on. Not looking forward to going to work tomorrow.

And then there's X. Remember him? Well, I have to say ,he's actually asking to see the boys more. He's going to take them over night every other Wednesday & then take them for dinner the others. Of course there was a stipulation. I have to split the cost of the cab for him to take them to school Thursday morning. It will cost me about $10. Figure it'll be worth it. And, the man who is just craving more time with his kids... well... they were with him this past weekend & I called him to see if I could get them earlier on Sunday. We were going to J's parents' for Sukkot & were worried that I wouldn't be back in time to get the kids. So, I asked if I could pick Max up from Hebrew school at 12:30 then swing by to get Nathan. I really figured he'd say "no." I mean, he was all upset about Hebrew school taking away his precious time... so I thought well, he's not going to give them up so early in the day. So. Guess what he said when I asked? Guess. Ahhh, you guys probably already know. You seem to know him better than I do. He said "How about you pick Max up and bring him to Hebrew School and take Nathan then, too." So. I was worried he wouldn't give them up at 12:30... and he was offering me them on a platter at 8 am.

And, just because a post isn't complete without another X tidbit... Max gets in the car and is all: "I don't want to go to Hebrew School. It's for babies." Now, he had been going regularly for the past few weeks & was really pretty ok with it.... Sooooo..... upon further exploration... "Well, Daddy says it's for babies." !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I said, "you know what - boring I could accept - it does get boring - but for babies?!?! You're learning another language! How is that for babies?!?" Divorce Agreement: "Father agrees to verbally support and transport to Hebrew School two out of the three times he has them." I friggin knew it. I knew it enough to put it into the agreement... but.... right. Been through that already. For now I'm just going to let it go. Ignore it. I just can't deal.
Friday Nathan had his Growth Hormone Stimulation Test. This was the four hour test at the hospital. He had to fast from the night before and could not eat until the test was over: 1:00 pm. For some reason I thought this was just purely blood work... that they're just taking samples.. but no. They give these meds to stimulate the growth hormone. (Did I ever really HEAR the name of the test?!?) These meds, pumped into my little boy's body, made him drowsy, lowered his blood pressure... and just made him miserable. It was hard. It was really hard. J was there with me... (I knew I couldn't stomach 5 hours alone with X...) and of course I felt guilty about not really pushing X to come (told him once, never reminded him...) and was worried that he'd be upset when I told him about it after the test. Was he? Actually, I'm kind of even embarrassed to admit it, because again I'm sure you all knew before me. No. He was not. Did not say a word about "Why wasn't I there.." or anything.

So, now we have to wait for the results... and if the hormone is low he'll need an MRI of his pituitary gland... Oy again.

But, let me end this massive depressing tome with some good stuff. Things are starting to work. Things are starting to fit together. Max has... POOF! Grown up! He is involved in his school work. He is vested in it. His handwriting is even better. He sits down, does his homework.... is proud of what he does! And Nathan, comes home, goes into his back pack, takes his homework out & sits down and does it!

And the mood... the mood in my place is somehow more relaxed... I can't explain it, but I actually think that because the old sitter was SO regimented... it made us all more tense? Or maybe because this new sitter really Pays Attention to my boys when she's with them. Like she reads their Pokemon cards with them, she does Light Saber battles with them... and I come home and they're not bathed, they not fed.... but they're happy. All three of them are sitting on the couch together watching tv. My old sitter would have been in the other room on her cell phone. (Granted my house would have been spotless, but.....) So it's good. It works.

And we made it through September.



And I wanted to put photos in this, but friggin' blogger just makes it so difficult!!!

Ahhhh

Moments like these...

Happy Monday

Isn't that a song? Oh. Maybe it's Blue Monday? Who knows.

Migraine lasted 'til about mid-day Saturday. I didn't fast in the morning, and actually I think it made it go away faster.

I'm confused about taking kids to religious services. Or, I should say, religious services that last more than 1 1/2 hours. Do people do it? Can people do it? And by kids I guess I should say young kids - like below the age of 10.

We got to my parents' synagogue @ 10:45 am, family service from 10:30-11:30. Max has this sullen thing going. "I don't like it. I'm not going to like it. It's silly." He will not engage. I allow it, but tell him he has to stand when we stand and no - cannot play with the toys in the back of the room. Nathan, by the end, is clapping with the songs.

We go up to the main service to sit with my parents, siblings & uncle. Kids are promptly all over me. Sitting on my lap, leaning on me. One on each side. Could. Not. Stand. It.

I don't know. Was it compassion fatigue? (Ok, maybe a bit extreme.) Was it the migraine? Was it semi-fasting? But they were driving me crazy. I could not tolerate them hanging on me! "Go! Sit with Grandma! Hang on her!" "Noooo...... we want YOU!"

We sat through the rabbi's sermon & even through his sullenness... Max was listening. The rabbi talked about the power of prayer, and how when he was a kid he said the "Shema" and how he felt it kept a dog away from him. Max was enthralled. So, maybe the whole thing was worth it? For those 5 minutes?

But, we left at about 12:30 before my head exploded.

Went back to my parents' house & then they came home @ the break time - 2 pm. We went back again for shofar blowing, havdalah & breaking the fast - at about 7ish (fast ends 7:44 pm - although I've found out that it's different everywhere? Like, within the same time zone? How could that be? Isn't that standardized? Heck - I'm going to find me an earlier synagogue!!)

Nathan went back before us - with my uncle.

I walk in and see him.... I'm not sure how to describe this... on his hands and knees going around in circles... kind of reminded me of break dancing - on the side aisle. On the floor. My dad, and uncle are staring straight ahead, listening to the rabbi... and Nathan's spinning like a top out of control.

I join the grown-ups & Max joins Nathan. I sit, I stand. I listen. I pray. My kids spin. I kid you not. I though... "Hmmm... maybe I'm on to something here?" I'm not sure how much they were disturbing the others. I kept them quiet. They just spinned. (Ok, they rolled a bit, too... but when they started to battle I put a stop to that. "No battling at synagogue! Have to have some standards, you know." I mean, I don't know.... if they sit with me I don't get to be involved in the service at all.... and I think what is the point? Why am I here? And I know that it's important to bring them... so they learn, so they feel part of a community...

And they learn how to do a pretty good spin.

Woke up this morning....

With the beginnings of a migraine. Not so surprising. Although I was beginning to think that the migraines were just purely hormonal - happening the first Tuesday right after my period. (Really. They've been like clockwork, thank you peri-menopause....) So I'm not quite sure what's going on here..... middle of the cycle? Or just purely stress related? (Although if that's the case, honestly, why don't I have them every day?!?!) And you know what my very first thought was?!? OK - second after I realized "oh shit - better get up and take an Advil right this very second!" Maybe I won't have to fast this Yom Kippur. Yes. I'm such a good Jew.

OK. Lest the five people who read this blog think that my life is entirely doom and gloom, I'm going to write what I actually was planning to write about yesterday morning. After leaving the kids at school, when I actually began the day with a smile on my face. (Really. Walking down the street with a little grin!)

A big thing that's been going on in my life lately is getting my kids to school. Sounds trivial, I know... but I've lost my full time sitter AND they changed the start time of school from 8 am to 8:40 am. When I first knew I'd no longer have the sitter to take the kids to the bus or school in the morning I told my supervisor I'd probably be in by about 9:15 am... bus comes about 7:5-8:00 am... But then. Right. Time change.

So I've spent the past few months trying to work out solutions to not getting into work too late, and if I do... not having to stay too late to make up the time. I worked out a sort of convoluted plan to work later one day a week... BUT - the bus has been coming at the usual time... so it's been OK.

Now it seems they've changed it. There are two bus pick up times.... one at 7:50 - that's for the Extended day kids - so they get into school at the old 8 am time.... and one is 8:20 am.... for the "regular" kids. So, which bus do I put them on? Early, have them sit inside the school building (aides won't let them outside) so I can get to work on time, or later - which is better, but gets me to work later.... (This is getting really long. Sorry! But you know, I feel like you might need some background for this...)

SO - here's the thing. Max does not want to take the bus. At all. He wants to walk. He wants to get to school early so he can hang out with his friends outside and play ball. And the thing with this is - it has taken him up until this year to make a group of friends. He's social & everybody likes him... but he hadn't really connected with a "friend." At his last birthday party, he only wanted to invite two people and he has little or no play dates. So I'm really happy that he's settling in. The two boys he plays with are not in his class - so he only sees them before school, lunch and after....

So OK. Max wants to walk. But if we get there that early that means that Nathan... who is not yet so comfortable there - has to get there early and sit in the cafeteria. With the breakfast kids and any early kindergarten kids. It's isolating and a bit scary.

ALSO - walking them, or bringing them a bit later as a compromise messes MY schedule and brings me into work later. So there's that. A mix where really nobody is entirely happy.

BUT - yesterday (missed the bus) I bumped into Max's friends mom. The dad walks him to school Mon-Wed, she brings him Thurs - Friday. She said to me "Hey, how about I walk Max and Nathan when I go in with B?" I can stay here with them, watch them, then drop Nathan off when it's time to go in?"

Can I tell you? Can I just tell you? There I was, wracking my brain, trying to figure this all out... figuring I'd just have to be late to work every day, work later, so I could walk them every once in a while, so Max could have his social time and Nathan won't be there so early.... and wouldn't that totally, totally suck... and Poof! Solution!

So now, Mon-Wed they take the bus, and Thurs - Friday they walk. They all get to play outside (and can I also tell you about the heart swelling moment yesterday, when Nathan was playing ball with the "big kids" and me realizing how nice Max is... letting Nathan play with them, encouraging him... And Max's friends... also not saying "Max, why is your little brother playing with us?!?" But also encouraging him... Max waited a while to find friends... but they're good ones.)

So, the mom said "you can go, I'll watch them, I'll drop Nathan off..." and I left. Huge grin on my face Feeling really good. Thoughts like "it does take a village" and "sometimes things do work out" and "things are finally clicking" and "this will be a good year" floating through my head. And how I have to write about this in my blog... it just feels so good.... this moment...

Then of course the rest of the day happened - that I wrote about below. But I want it noted for the record that it started off perfectly fine, and that I'm really not as depressing as this blog might seem. Really! You can ask anyone! (Except all the people I complain to!)

Mamma never told me there'd be days like this...

My Day:

Up at 5:38 a.m, shower, dress, feed kids, dress kids. (I'm slow in the morning; need lotsa time...)

7:50 am - out to make bus that is supposed to come at 7:50.

Miss bus.

7:55 walk to school.

8:07 meet Max's best friend & his mom. She offers to stay with kids so they can play outside until school starts 8:40 am (don't ask, they changed the start time. It's hell.)

8:30 - get to bus stop. Takes to long for bus; walk to subway.

9:30 am at work.

Eat power bar, various nuts, open up new box of Fiddle Faddle. Eat some.

11:00 am - Home visit. Client depressed. Wife a negative nag. I leave with promise from man that he will come visit me tomorrow.

Eat more fiddle faddle.

12:30 - talk to geriatric care managers who had been working with my client. his home attendant had been stealing from him.

Talk to endless stream of clients. Cannot get off phone.

2:00 pm - eat apple.

2:30 pm - supervisor calls - Have I spoken to new student intern about charting? About what forms to do? Uhhh... no.

3:00 pm - talk to former colleague about client mentioned in yesterday's post. Feel better.

Eat more Fiddle Faddle (down to crumbs now. Remember this was a new box.)

3:45 leave to meet client mentioned in yesterday's post & her brother.

4:30 - sit on bench outside clients apartment for 5 minute rest. Suddenly remember! Tennis Lessons! Max had a lesson today at 4, but I forgot to tell the sitter! (Of course his tennis clothes are right on the chair - but does that remind him? Apparently not.) Call Tennis center - Max can go at 5. Tell sitter.

4:42 - remember have to drop something w/supervisor! Run to office. She's gone.

4:58 - Grab a pizza from Hot Nosh at work. (Jewish agency, ya' know. Hot Nosh. They're open 24/6! Seventh day they rested... get it?!?)

5:02 - burn tongue on blasted kosher dried out HotNosh pizza!

5:08 - on subway.

5:09 - asleep.

5:46 - wake up startled, somebody's hair in my face. Nice. Don't ask.

6:00 pm - at West Side Tennis Club to pick up Max. (Love that place... so posh n' all...)

6:35 - walking home. Max asks/tells/yells/whines at me to hold his racket. I'm carrying two bags. I say something about perhaps we could switch and he could hold my 20 lb bag and I'll hold the racket.. He whines/cries/yells the whole walk back. It was so nice to have such a stress free walk.

7:00 pm - Max has to do his homework - plus his current events that he saved until.... say it with me now: The Last Minute. Of course. So, he has to read a story and write about it. He's exhausted. I'm exhausted. We haven't eaten. He screams. I scream. The neighbors close their windows.

8:00 pm - eat bowl of cold cereal.

8:45 pm. Kids fed (Kid Cuisine tv dinners... please forgive me!), homework done (ok, I "helped" him more than I should have... but he was so tired....)

9:00 pm - Bath.

9:45 pm - they're asleep.

10:00 pm - I make lunch for tomorrow. Pack up for overnight w/parents for Jewish Holy Day....

11:00 pm - blogging. Why aren't I asleep?

You know, I have some friends who lovelovelove to always be busy. Always have something to do, always be moving.... can't sit still! Gotta go! Gotta do! NOT ME. I need down time. I need to fart around on the computer. I need to chat on the phone. I need...... well heck - just to sit and stare off into space. Days like this, I do not enjoy. They also give me a good window as to why my weight might just go up and down... (ya' think?!?! Fiddle Faddle anyone?!?!?)

The bad, and the ugly...

Just found out that one of my clients. One of my first clients from when I starte here, so I've known her for over a year... is dying. She's only 62. She has been receiving substandard medical care from the first day I saw her. I kept trying to get her to switch doctors, but she wouldn't. She had a young resident/intern at a local clinic. I actually think she had a crush on him...

He just left & she finally agreed to see another doctor. The doctor just called me. She said: "Are you sitting?" Her body is riddled with cancer. The doctor could see this just from a home visit. No tests. No machinery. Her breast is deformed. Her lymph nodes... swollen...

Can you imagine, she's been seeing this other doctor for who knows how long. He's never seen it? Never noticed?!?

He's been treating her for one thing. The thing he thought was wrong with her. He never looked for anything else. THe doctor today said the other illness is SECONDARY to her cancer. She says they probably won't even be able to treat it.

The doctor herself was in shock. She said she needed time to absorb it. She said it was overwhelming. The client is blind, but she must have realized what was happening... Dr. said client is in denial... which I guess is why she never noticed what is happening...

I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. And the worst thing is... this client is SO difficult. SO difficult. I try to do so many things for her, and she won't accept. So at times I just stop. I don't call her. And now.... of course... I'm thinking... shouldn't I have pushed her harder? Told her again, and again, and again to switch doctors?!? I tried once, twice - she wouldn't do it. I gave up. I'm too busy. She's too difficult. She's "resistant." What if she was resistant because she knew there was something bad to find?!?

Oh man. This one is tough. I haven't really cried over too many of my clients... you know, they're seniors... they die.. it's organic. It's natural. THey've reached the end of their lives, good, long lives. But this?!? This?!? So unneccesary. And I was there all along.

The Big Blow Up

So it happened. I finally said to my mom: "Why is it that my friends realize how difficult it is for me to be one parent and two kids and somehow my own family does not?!?"

Yup. I said that. To my mom.

And it's not entirely fair, my family DOES help -- but each time I ask them it's like a huge deal... "Welll.... let me see.... we might be doing this... we might be doing that..." And I know it's partly sour grapes. Like when they say "We were going to see a movie that night." My thoughts are: "you can see a movie any fucking night. I get opportunities to go out every once in a while. I cannot just go out any night." Or they'll say: "I'm tired." So, take a nap. You can take a nap any time you want! Any time!

I know. Doesn't sound very healthy to me, either (my responses). And I'm sure the best way to be (for me) is somewhere in the middle. Not feel SO hostile towards them, but not let them shirk their extended family responsibilities, either. I'm working on it.

But still, my parents and sister live nearby and never take the kids over night, never just come over during the week, or offer. I guess that's it. They never offer. I always have to ask.... and that's what sucks.

And I'm thinking about the single parents who DON'T have X's to take the kids every other weekend, and I want to erect a huge statue in your honor... because I have absolutely no idea how you do it.

I went on to my mom: "All the decisions: Me. All their anxieties: Me. When they don't feel well: Me. Homework: Me. Doctors: Me.," And my mom said something that might very well be true: "But you don't tell us." And I don't. They call up: 'How was the first day of school for the kids." And I say "Nathan cried." But I don't say all the filler... how it was difficult, how they don't want to go the next day, how I spend the whole night convincing them to go the next day, how it's so draining..... I don't.

BUT - I DID say to my mom... I did tell her that sometimes all I want is for her to listen. To empathize. Not to offer advice, or what often seems to me as criticism. (Like as we were standing there she looks over at Nathan's meds. "Did you give him his meds this morning?" "YES I GAVE HIM HIS MEDS! I"M HIS MOTHER!" Stuff like that.)

So, the vibe here (since I'm out at their place on Long Island for the Jewish New Year....) is now a bit tense. I wanted to go home yesterday but the kids didn't want to leave. Saying things like "but we have a yard here" which also made me feel really, really good...

And, what initiated all this was that tonight I am going out w/J and his family for his nieces birthday. So I wanted to leave the kids here. In this house. With my parents and sister (three adults, that's right!) and well... they didn't say yes right away. (Ok, in the interest of full disclosure my mom's arm has been hurting - we think pinched nerve.) But they did. Ultimately. But it's still tense.

We'll see how the rest of it goes. I'll keep you posted. Just keep checking in on this blog channel. Ha! Also, have to post on the big meeting - J's family and mine! They came here first night Rosh Hashana! So I know that will keep you coming back for more!

Thanks. I needed that.

Today at work I very possibly saved somebody's life. Maybe even two people. It was a good day.

I received a referral... a man with terminal cancer, needs hospice placement, having trouble with his insurance and wife very overwhelmed with his care. Pretty standard. I was busy, so figured I'd call on it later.

I get a message from the physical therapist assigned to the case: "the woman very overwhelmed, threatens suicide." I call the Visiting nurse - she confirms. Horrible situation. I call the daughter. It seems that the mother is also becoming very sick, she is overwhelmed with the care of the husband AND the daughter is not only worried for the mother, but that the mother might do something to the father as well!"

Ooooh, getting good, huh?

So I call the wife. On her cell phone. She is waiting to visit a Dr. "Yeah, I hate him. Should have left him years ago." When I ask her about the suicide she says yes, she's mentioned it. When I asked about a plan - she was like "yup, I have pills." (Now, part of the suicide assessment is asking about a plan. Nine times out of ten the client says "Nah, I don't have a plan... I'm just talkin'." So imagine my surprise when she said that!) I asked her again, a bit later "No, I won't do it - I wouldn't give him the satisfaction!"

But still.

I call his doctor and we decide to have him admitted to the hospital. Keep everybody safe, and possibly expedite his admission to a hospice.

Of course, nobody told the client. I called him & he was like "no, I'm fine - I don't want to go to the hospital." But, I managed to convince him.

Called everybody. Told everybody. Tied it all up in a nice little package. (Assuming he got admitted. At this point I'm going to assume he was... )

And you know... it made me feel so good. I was good. I really was. I was Super Social Worker. I said the right things at the right time, I comforted, I listened, I advocated.... and I finished feeling really good about myself. Realized how much I like my job, how it's important, how I make a real, concrete difference & how that's a great thing to model to my kids.

I so needed that. I feel like I barely have control of life here... that my apartment is a shambles, that stuff just keeps happening, that I'm feeling so alone. So needy. So overwhelmed. Just not the strong, capable, independent woman I'd like to be.

And ok, I'm not going to go out on my balcony and belt "I Am Woman Hear Me Roar." (And yeah, you can smile picturing that - if you'd like.) But it just felt good.

And on it goes...

Nathan had a sore throat this morning. Perfect, huh? I gave him Motrin and sent him off. Hopefully it's just the beginning of a cold & nothing else... I felt that sending him to school - getting him used to it - was more important. (Sorry to any mothers in his class who could potentially hate me!) I hatehatehate having to make those decisions... but with him being so anxious about school (he was crying again, going on the bus this morning) and me being out last week & this being a short week at work (and what am I doing blogging now, you're asking?!? ) ... well -- it's tough if I didn't go in today.

So, I tossed the proverbial coin in the air, made the decision & we'll see how it goes.

Today's the first full day of the babysitter without me. Nervous.

The attorney called me back. Basically he could write a mean letter to X telling him he has to abide by the agreement or we will go to family court. BUT - he said - what would I do if he didn't abide. Oh. What would I do? I don't want to do anything to him... I just want him to do what he said he would do. But, that's not how it works. If we go to court I have to have some sort of threat: "Do it or you won't see the kids." Now, why in the world would I do that? Who would it help? (Well, maybe X!) I don't want to do that to the kids. Could you imagine? He'd only see them twice a month!!!

And no, he doesn't see them Tuesdays... he only cares about Max going to Hebrew School on Tuesdays because... well... good question? Why DOES he care? No idea. Just because he feels like a kid shouldn't be in school after school Because he didn't grow up with it. But, ask him how much time he spent on rugby and cricket practice....

So, I think I'm going to tell him that I spoke to an attorney, and that he is in violation and if he does it again we will take action.

This is all just so fucked.