It could

It really could - count, that is. Because when I look back on the numbers, like I just did, I have no idea if that 30 is made up of lots of little posts like this, or deep, insightful, meaningful posts.....

RIght?

So

If I write lots of short posts, does that count?

posting

Yikes - look at June! I posted THIRTY times that month!

Better get on it.

So much has changed

So I was just thinkin'.... I don't know if you read in my other blog - but I sprained my left quad (I"m just going to call it a quad because I don't know how to spell it and I'm obviously just too plain lazy to look it up.) and that has made things here just a bit chaotic. Not too much, but a bit.

(Warning: somewhat sappy post ahead!)

But what has made me feel so, so good about this is - when I fell and called my office my boss said "Take a cab here - we'll pay." She called me that night: "feel better, we're thinking about you, don't worry about work" she called the next day: "how are you doing?" AND - she left a message on my voicemail yesterday telling me that if I dare to come in today she will send me home. She wants me to rest & make sure I'm better.

Now I'm not totally naive - I know that part of that is selfish - that I should get better now or risk having it be worse & take more time off later. But still. Last time I got sick - when I was at the nursing home - I came in coughing out a lung. I'm thinking...."there's something very wrong with my going into patients' rooms hacking like I'm in a TB ward.." But my boss never said anything... and any time I wanted needed time off it was soooo difficult.

And then J "I would have come to the ER with you!" And "Take care of yourself or I'm going to come over & make sure you do!" I'm sure some of you remember when I had walking pneumonia. This always stays with me, because it's so indicative of X - and it was right before we split. But I phoned him from the Dr - after the diagnosis: "I have walking pneumonia - can you pick me up at the subway to take me to pharmacy to get meds?" "No - I'm taking my mom to the museum." (It was January. His mom was visiting for 2 weeks.)

Me (crying) "But I have walking pneumonia! It's cold! Just pick me up, take me over to pharmacy - after I get drugs, then you can go out!" No. Not until I called him a third time - screaming & crying - did he agree. Then left me home. Alone. (My parents came over - with chicken soup.) (Btw - my dad picked me up @ er wed, mom came over to stay with my boys, sister came over to take them to school the next day. At least my family is always constant...)

So, you know - I realize that how it was is NOT how it should be, and how it is now IS (how it should be). But I also know that it could really be different, and I really, truly appreciate it.

It's so cool.

Sometimes Things Work Out

Yep. Sometimes they do. Actually, most of the time they probably actually really truly do. Work out. So, let me tell you what worked out - and no, it wasn't me. Although I probably did more running this weekend than I"ve done in a long while...

As any of you who have read my other blog know - X did not have the kids this past weekend like he was supposed to. BUT, did I let him get to me NO! I didn't! (Ok, a little wee bit...) I just decided that he doesn't want them, then fine - I'll just work with it. The kids are still asking when they're going to go over his place... and my best answer is the 29th - because that's when. Honestly, I don't know what to say. I just don't.

So, J. came over Friday night, and stayed for the weekend. It was sooo great. So great. He came after the kids were asleep & so surprised them in the morning! Then, he bought them a baseball bat & whiffle balls & we all went to play baseball... The kids are so comfortable with him, and it's obvious that they enjoy spending time with him... and the sad thing is, he'll probably be spending more time with them this month than their Dad...

I know you all really really want me to go into excrutiating detail about the day,or about the weekend, but suffice it to say... we just all hung out, relaxed, and played. It was so wonderful. So great. So comfortable, normal, fun, relaxing... just made me feel so good.

And I've been trying for the past hour or so to figure out the right words to describe this. Because of course I just can't take things as they are... I have to think about them... but also this has all been so overwhelming to me.... To feel so loved - for who I am; to love so much - such a wondeful person, to really feel a part of a team... not alone.... Maybe those are all the words I need.

HI!

Well, it's so nice to see that the formatting is back! Where ya' been? I suppose I should ask that of myself... guess I've been writing more here than here. I don't know what inspires me to write in which blog.... and I suppose I'll have to drop one one of these days. Pretty silly to have two. It's not like I have so much to say, or such an exciting life.

Actually, my life's pretty usual. Get up. Get kids up. Go to work. Work. Come home. Get kids to bed. Get myself to bed. Ok, granted there are special moments in between... but you know... (Ok, lots of them... but..)

But nothing to say here right now. Just popping in to say hi.

Hi.

Birthday Weekend

(Something's going on with Blogger - there are no formatting options at all. No fonts, no colors, no nothing. So I'm sorry if this looks boring; you will just have to let the words carry you along without any other extra added bonuses.)

I've lost you all already, haven't I?

ANYHOW - had a super, amazing, wonderful, stupendous birthday weekend. Went out Friday night w/some friends & J (not that J isn't a friend... but you know. Let's not quibble.) It was lots of fun.

But, Saturday was the day that clinched the whole deal. (And oh, how I wish I had either bold or italics! Just imagine that "clinched" is in italics!) We had a nice relaxing morning, then went out for (bold) lobster (bold) which is my favorite food in the world - and went to see (underline) The Drowsy Chaperone after. (See, I"m just improvising - writing in the formatting and that will probably keep your interest longer than if I actually (bold) made the words bold. Makes you work a little bit.)

The Drowsy CHaperone was amazing. Funny, clever, different, beautiful music, great set, acting - wonderful... Just great, great, great.

But now here's the thing. Get back Sunday, meet Max at Hebrew school for a family program. X came too - w/Nathan - but soon left with Nathan as Nathan was getting a bit antsy. (Funny aside - earlier in the week I had asked X if I could get the kids earlier - so we could go out for brunch for my birthday. He complained that he gets little enough time with them - and then Hebrew School takes away the rest - so "no" I could not. I asked if I could have them an hour earlier? "No." BUT, but Friday... he tells me I can take them at 12:30 - right after the Hebrew school workshop. No explanation. HA! Funny guy that X, huh?)

(Bold) BUT ANYHOW - We do the family project at Hebrew School and walk back to our house. The whole time I"m still coasting on the post weekend buzz... enjoying re-living it in my head, thinking about J, how much I love him, how wonderful everything is... but who should interrupt? What?!? A Child?!? Leave me alone! Leave me to my reverie!!

But no. They do not. Not only do they not leave me to my reverie, but they are tired, cranky, and so bloody annoying I'm about ready to rip my hair out.

So, I make it through that, my Dad comes, picks us up & we go for a family birthday brunch. THe thing is, really, I don't want to do any of this. I probably would be happy just sitting on a rock still reliving the weekend. I just wanted to be with J. (HOrrible, I"m a horrible person - my family there, all around me, showering me with presents and good will... and I want none of it.)

This is, I"m finding out, the tough, weird part about the whole divorce, every other weekend thing. To be in one zone, and then so thoroughly and totally yanked out, and forced into the other... every other weekend. (Granted, not every weekend is as stupendous as this... but allow me a bit of dramatic licence.)

So, I've equlized a bit now, still feeling pretty good and so loving the card I got from Max (which I can't upload here, but you can see at: http://www.xanga.com/Pithy11375/552831206/a-birthday-card-from-max.html It's unfortunate that the chid does not yet know how to spell boogers - especially since it is one of my all time favorite words.. (ack!) but I really do love it. It's so him.

Nearly Friday & Not Thirteen

(So tired. Why doing this?)

1. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie, but remember being SO SCARED of the pregnancy belly button pop... but by the time that happened so much else had happend to my body that the outtie was relegated to: whatever.
2. Have you ever written a song? Well, Max made it up, but I sing it... it's.... uhhh... it goes... (don't laugh) it goes... (just say it phonetically) Oh laca bowla laca a nucky wucky. (I said DON'T LAUGH!)
3. Can you make change for a dollar right now? No. Don't drive. No car. Don't need change for bus. Don't need change for nuttin'.
4. Have you ever been in the opposite sex's public toilet? Yes, and will stop only when there is Potty Parity. (Although, honestly, will think twice about ones with urinals...)
5. Have you ever written a poem? No. (Is that bad?) Do you all now think I'm a total ignorant ignoramous?
6. Do you like catsup on or beside your fries? Both. PUt some on, then a dollup on the side.
7. Have you ever been a boy/girl scout? Brownie.
8. Have you ever written a book? I think all the volumes I've written in these blogs would fill a book... but no, if you MUST know - I have NOT written a book. No book. No poem. Are these supposed to make you feel good about yourself? If so, not working!
9. Have you ever broken a mirror? Yep. Have at least 35 years of bad luck stored up.
10. Are you superstitious? Not so much, but honestly, lots of bad things DO happen to me in February.... although, was X saying he wants to leave a good thing, or a bad thing...?
11. What is your biggest pet peeve? People who clink their spoons on the side of the cup when stirring. Ugh!
12. Do you slurp your drink after it's gone? Maybe... I could have... maybe once when having a rootbeer float... but since there was nobody there who saw or heard, if confronted I'll deny the whole thing!
13. Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk? Nope. Never. Absolutely sure.
14. Would you rather eat a Big Mac or a Whopper? Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don't upset us, all we ask is that you let us have it your way! Have it your way.... Oh, the answer - either.
15. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? Umm, actually... no. Ok, for those keeping score: no poem, no book, no skinny dipping. I'm so un bohemian!!
16. Would you ever parachute out of a plane? Only if my only other option was a slow and painful death.
17. What's the most daring thing you've done? Gone back to graduate school full time with two kids under the age of two. (Daring?!? Crazy!!)
18. When you are at the grocery store, do you ask for paper or plastic? DOn't ask. Just get.
19. True or False: You would rather eat steak than pizza. Can't anwer this. Too mood related. But probably usually steak. No, pizza... No idea.
20. Did you have a baby blanket? Absofrigginlutely.

No Turducken Here!

Nope, no turducken, but the rest of it was pretty good. Met J. and his daughter (first one; then two) to watch them blow up the balloons for the Thanksgiving Day Parade. It was good, but soon got too cold for my whiny kids, and honestly - I don't do well in crowds... so it became a bit much for me (dealing with the cold, the whining, the crowds... not a good mix!) But still - I was glad we did it, and next year will be better...

After the balloons we went back to J.'s house for dinner. My kids, his kids and dinner. It was really great. I realized when I went through the photos that I didn't get any actual photos of the dinner, which really sucks... but I think I was just a little too nervous... ALTHOUGH - it really really went well. So well that it wasn't even anything. Like totally normal. Like this is something we do every day. I was almost like -- wait -- Where's The Drama?!?! Nope. None. Just a regular 'ole dinner. Afterwards we hung out. THen we all went to sleep( J had bought the boys Power Rangers sleeping bags, so the boys kept saying how it was camping... with the sleeping bags & all...

His kids are so totally cool. So sweet, relaxed, and really really good with my kids. Of course I can't begin to say that I "know" them now, but it was as good a beginning to the process as I could have asked for - and you gotta start somewhere!

The next morning we hung out, watched the parade on tv (were going to go, but it was just too darn rainy!) and made waffles. Ok, J and the kids made waffles, I made myself useful by snapping zillions of pictures! It was really nice, relaxing, and again - normal.

We took the train to CT for the next part of the holiday - to avoid the holiday traffic... But Grand Central Station was a mad house! It was crazy! Made it there alive, though - and the kids even though surviving on not too much sleep - were troopers on the train.

CT was ok. My family is starting to split - the religious right on one side, and the left on the other. That's really the only way I can describe it. It's just that we are moving so far apart in terms of values, etc... that I find I just really cannot tolerate being with them. So very concerned with money, so insular, so.... shallow.... and I know family is family - and I try... but they keep driving me away. Example: I didn't hear this, but my sister said my cousin's husband made a comment about rounding up all the Muslims... She showed some good sense and restraint and pointedly got up & disengaged herself from the conversation. But if I had been there.... ooh boy! What a horrible, horrible, horrible thing to say - as a person, but especially as a Jew! I tell you - I think about it now and still get upset.

Then, at the end of the day Max comes over to me and says "I have stupid toys. I don't want my toys any more. My cousin Alysson has so many cool toys - and she has some upstairs in her room AND in a play room, I ONLY have in my room!" I looked at him and so wanted to say: "But Max, Alysson has been through an awful divorce where she has been used and manipulated. Her mother doesn't care for her, her father doesn't know what to do with her, and the only real care she gets is from her grand parents. So, she has a lot of toys." But of course... I didn't. I did say that I would gladly throw out all his "stupid" toys and give them to kids who do not have any. And also explained that as he goes through life (don't you love those "as you go through life" lectures!) he will meet people who have more, and people who have less - and that's just how it is. (Yes, yes, I know - should have used the "be thankful for what you have" lecture, but...)

Sorry - this is turning into a novel! Now I have to get into the shower! To Be Continued.

I've been found out

So, you know how I like to pretend to be this normal, non-neurotic, calm, composed, relaxed, go with the flow, unflappable mother? Well, it turns out I'm really not.

Oh. You already knew that? Well thanks a whole heck of a lot for filling me in!

THe revelation started last Monday, at Max's parent teacher conference. I wrote all about it on the other blog. There I was seemingly all unconcerned about Max's grades... but who knew the monster that lurked inside?!?

Right. You're saying once again that YOU knew?!? So once again I simply must thank you for spreading your infinite knowledge my way.

Today I brought Nathan in to his pediatritian to see if he felt that he might need speech therapy. Nathan does not pronounce his "BLs" "CL's" "PLs", etc - so since he goes into kindergarten next year, I'm thinking that if anything needs to be done, I should start now.

So the doctor looks at Nathan. Listens to Nathan. And looks at me. "You know" he says "In MY day, kids didn't go for speech evaluations, for speech therapy - and most of us speak pretty well today. Nowadays it's a booming business - and I'm not saying that most children don't need it, but I am saying that lots of children get it."

Oh sure. I "get it" too.

I used to be like that - before kids. I used to be so much more relaxed... you know - don't worry until there's something to worry about... or "she'll be alright, mate." That sort of stuff.

Now when I really think of myself as one of those "more relaxed" moms... well... maybe I'm really not.

Anybody have the name of a good speech therapist?

As I was saying...

Your PMS Disaster Level: EXTREME!

You're PMS is horrific and totally freaky. You should be locked away once a month... with a ton of chocolate cake!

Are You a PMS Disaster?

Thirteen Things I Hate about PMS1…. Feeing Grumpy 2.... Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy 3.... Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling antsy 4.... Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling antsy, not sleeping 5. Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling ansty, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt. 6....Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling ansty, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever 7...Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling ansty, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs 8....Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling antsy, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs, having a hard time not screaming at my kids 'til my face turns blue. 9. Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling antsy, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs, having a hard time not screaming at my kids 'til my face turns blue, not fitting into any of my clothes 10. Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling ansty, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs, having hard time not screaming at my kids 'til my face turns blue, not fitting into any of my clothes, falling asleep at work 11. Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling ansty, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs, having hard time not screaming at my kids 'til my face turns blue, not fitting into any of my clothes, falling asleep at work, feeling entirely too uncomfortable in my own skin. 12.... Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling ansty, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs, having hard time not screaming at my kids 'til my face turns blue, not fitting into any of my clothes (probably from all that bloat eating all that salt!), falling asleep at work, feeling entirely too uncomfortable in my own skin, feeling constant, overwhelming sense of lethargy. 13. Feeling grumpy, feeling crampy, feeling antsy, not sleeping, eating entire containers of salt, having no frustration tolerance whatsoever, sore boobs, having hard time not screaming at my kids 'til my face turns blue, not fitting into any of my clothes, falling asleep at work, feeling entirely too uncomfortable in my own skin, feeling constant, overwhelming sense of lethargy AND feeling it get worse, and worse, and worse as the week progresses! UGH!Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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This one is pretty good

This is courtesy of Diary of a Single Mom - Bold everything you've done...

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain (What qualifies as a mountain? In NZ they call some pretty big hills, mountains... so I'm going to say "yes."
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it (absofrigginlutely)
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (A Mets game?)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa.
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper (!!!)
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne (not generally something you want to get drunk on...)
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb (on a ferry in NZ - next to a farm truck... a little, little baby lamb...)
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster (ok, it was a kids' rollercoaster, but that still counts, right?)
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking (no. was not sober.)
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
. 42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
.47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs (heh, heh... yes)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business (does a lemonade stand count?)
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured an ancient site
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played Dungeons & Dragons for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice (ok, I guess it was more like a ferry...)
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised (raising) children (child)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour (David Johansen, Freshman year - didn't follow him much more than from DC to VA.... but still!)
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge (tried to. Had to stop. Thing with that bridge, is it's so high up! I mean, if it was lower then there wouln't have been a problem...)
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication (soon, soon)
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states (not sure; could be a tie).
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper (local paper - was about 10 in Halloween costume!)
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
l131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair (I did that purple celophane thingy in the 80's.. but it wasn't permanent.)
147. Been a DJ (Do pre-school birthday parties count?)
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident (err, yes. Walked in front of car. Got hit. He hit another car. Not a proud moment. Luckily, nobody (seriously) hurt.)
150. Saved someone’s life (Well, I think some of the things I've done as a social worker, if I'm permitted to brag a bit, has at least improved the quality - if not the duration - of somebody's life...)

It's all about me, me, ME!

So, here comes today's big confession: I'm a selfish, selfish woman. I simply cannot devote as much time and attention to my kids as they need.

The tough time is right after work. I come home, I need to read my mail, read my email, change out of my work clothes, and just really debrief myself. Problem is, of course, that my kids have not seen me all day and have lots of things to show and tell me.

And I just. Cannot. Deal. I have told them time and time again: "please, let me change into my sweats. Please, let me put down my bag, take off my shoes... just sit for a few minutes..." but they can't. And I can't. And it makes me feel so awful, and each day I say to myself: "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will do all that stuff later and just focus on them when I get home." And I still can't.

If they wake me at 2, 3, or 4am - I can focus on them. In the morning, I can focus - but please, the time between 6-7 pm... I need it for ME. I just do.

It's kinda nice outside

Because, well - both J and I have been outted. He told his kids about me, and I told my kids about him. Meaning, I used his name and the word boyfriend in the same sentence.

Max kinda made the "Yick Girls" face when I told him. He likes J - they both really do - but I know that whole boys/girls cooties thing was definitely at play there. I said to him: "What does it mean, to be a boyfriend/girlfriend?" And he goes, in typical Max fashion: "That means you love them and blah, blah, blah..." Basically: Leave Me Alone. Can't You See Power Rangers Is On? (Ok, I should have waited 'til after, but.... I couldn't! Come on, cut me some slack! I've been waiting to tell them for a long time - and I guess I reached saturation point & it came out!)

J has told his kids about me - and of course since they're older they have a whole other set of responses, feelings, and questions.... and that's going to be a bit more of a challenge to negotiate. And not a challenge in a bad way - but they will be looking and listening for different things than my two will - that's for darn sure!

And on another note: For a whle there X had been caling the kids every night. He hadn't done that for a while... but he started again. He has since stopped. I wonder how it's going to be now that the kids will only see him every other weekend? It seems so strange to me... I know it's "usual" but I also know it does not have to be that way. J. travels back and forth and hither and yon to see his kids, he is missing out on lots of alone/me time for himself, but is carving out a schedule that includes them as a big priority. And EX is living a few doors away from his X & the kids just travel back and forth between the two houses. They actually consider them both their "homes" - not "Mommy's House" or "Daddy's House." Interesting that the two men I date post X are like that... or I guess, maybe not so (interesting. surprising.)

Sometimes it feels like, somebody's watching me...

So this weekend I all of a sudden remembered something that I totally had forgotten. I mean, totally. About X. Like when I even started with my shrink, soon after we decided to split, and I reeled off to her the litteny of things that were so awful about him. About our relationship. I forgot about this. The watching.

Before we were "seriously" involved but had been dating for a while I remember very clearly being out on a date with X. We were at what would become our favorite Chinese restaurant on West 72nd Street. And he said to me: "Are you putting on weight? You know, that sometimes women let themselves go when they're involved with somebody... and I was wondering if you've been putting on weight? It's very important for men to have women who are in shape."

I looked at him. Aghast! How could he?!? WHat was he saying? I said something like, what if I am? And something like: "but, but.... I thought that you love somebody no matter what?!? Weight isn't supposed to matter!" To which he responded something like: "That's what guys say, but that's not really what they feel. Ask any guy - they like women who are in shape, and yes, once the attraction wears off... because the woman has stopped taking care of herself.... well the guy will look elsewhere."

So, instead of stalking furiously out of the restaurant I thought "Really!? That's really how it is?! Am I so idealistic to think that things like that don't matter?!?"

And thus began X's obsession about how I look. What I wear, how I put on my make up, the color of my hair... And all of these things I have remembered But this weekend I remembered how he watched. me. He would watch what I ate. "You're eating a lot for such a little person." "Are you sure you want that? It's so fattening?" "Well, I don't know, should we go for that icecream? Have you gone for a run today?" Or just the look. Looking at me. Watching me. Passing judgement on every item of food that would pass through my lips.

So, I'd eat my treats at work. I"d sneak food when he wasn't there. Why I didn't just tell him to shut the fuck up and leave me the hell alone you stupid obsessive compulsive freak?!? I have no idea. Obvioulsy I had/have my own set of body image issues that would have allowed me to put up with that. Somehow believing him.

So, you know, soon after he moved out I lost weight. Lots of weight. And before I go on, something has to be clarified here. I have never, by any stretch of the imagination, been even what you would call fat. Or even somebody you would look at an think "she needs to lose a few pounds. My ideal weight is 105-107. I usually hover around 110-113. I think the most I've ever been is 118. But, since I am small each pound really does make a difference. It makes a difference as to how my clothes fit, etc, etc.

After X moved out I went down to 105. Just like that. The pounds fell off. I felt so good. But now what's starting to happen is I feel like I'm puttning weight on again (and I don't know how much, I can just tell by how my clothes fit) & I'm realizing all these feelings it's conjuring up in me...

But it was just so weird to remember how that was... being in a restaurant, and thinking about what I *really* wanted to eat, but how I knew X would make a comment - so I'd order the steamed veggies, with the sauce on the side, and no, no thank you, I don't feel like dessert tonght.....

Thirteen Things about My High School Years that Make me Smile (not wince) at their memory. (I guess enough time has passed...) 1…. Being old enough to take advantage of "Open Campus" and actually leaving the school grounds during the school day. (On a free period. Of course. Not when I'd have class! Never do that!) 2... Walking down the street singing Baba O'Reily (The Who) w/H. (Nope, not wincing yet!) 3... Laughing hysterically w/H. about pygmies getting hit on the head with pieces of the falling Skylab. (Remember that?) And how they'd have to wear skylab crash helmets. 4... Sneaking out the side door at school and drinking "surprise" which was soda in a soda bottle mixed with some sort of alcohol. 5.. Sniffing Rush in Mrs. McPartland's biology class. ("Will you kids stop sniffing whatever it is you're sniffing back there and pay attention!" And this was at a nice suburban school - can you say: "What a different time?!?" What do you think a teacher would do NOW?! 6... Writing my term paper on Radical Groups of the 60's, and wishing oh so much that I was a teenager back then... 7... Daydraming about Jim Morrison.... 8... Daydreaming about Mick Jagger... 9... Getting tickets through the ticket lottery for the Rolling Stones concert ("Still LIfe" I think) with Maggie and sitting with her while she was tripping on two (not one, but two) hits of mescaline. (She had taken one before and it "did nothing" so why not take two when she's with ME?!) 10. Maggie getting 100% on her English exam the next day(I did NOT) while she was up all night still tripping. 11... Putting my "Question Authority" pin on my bag and feeling soooo cool.... 12... Seeing Al Pacino on stage in American Buffalo... ahhhh Al Pacino... 13... Having a crush on R.M. the entire four years of high school (and ok, actually a little beyond. But I'm over it now. Really.). Never talking to him 'til senior year when he started to date a friend of mine... Leading me to understand why they call it a "crush." Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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Oh, my aching brain...

So if any of you have read over there X has told me that he will no longer pay what we agreed upon was his share of child care. He reduced it by a few hundred. Plus made a few other cuts. I told him I don't agree, and he said he's getting an attorney.

He said that I am "selfish" "illogical" "greedy" and obviously don't care at all about his "standard of living." Yep. That's what he said. He doesn't want to deal with my selfishness for the next 20 years.

Funny, because all I'm asking for is the state mandated minimum.

And I'm sorry if it makes life difficult for him - but the other way makes life difficult for ME - and that in turn makes life difficult for the kids.... Soooo... well given that equation, I guess the three of us come out ahead.

But of course, in true X fashion he sent me another email last night with a new negotiation figure. After he said he would not negotiate any more. I'm realizing that what he wants is a guarantee that what I spend on child care won't go above a certain number - so that he will know what he's in for. He wants certainty. But then, don't we all? And I don't know what I'm going to find in terms of child care - and I don't know how much it's going to cost.... so how can I agree to that?

He's so inconsistent & really doesn't know what he wants himself... just that he wants to feel secure with his money.

Part of me so wants to just hand this all over to an attorney... just sit back and let that person take care of it all... But another part doesn't want to go that route... the anger, the mistrust, the non-communication - the possible involvement of the kids... also, of course there's the money. But shit - we've probably spent that much with all the mediation. Glad that was money put to good use. At least most of it was from our joint funds...

I'm going to call an attorney today - but also have to think of all the repercussions... pro and con.

I really, really, REALLY just want all this shit to be overwith already.

It's the Great Pumpkin!