The Crying Game

I had a really great weekend. And I also spent a large part of it crying. NOt happy tears. I"m actually still trying to puzzle it out....



Friday night J and I met my parents to go for Friday night Shabbat services at this synogogue we like: B'nai Jeshururn. Actually my parents' synogogue on Long Island made a field trip to NYC to go to this synogogue. It gets huge crowds & Friday night there was standing room only! It's very different than "your parents' synogogue.." It's dynamic, spiritual, musical and meaningful. Not at all the old service that you feel so detatched from... So they all came & we met my sister & uncle after and all had dinner together.



Oh - some background here: I found out a few weeks ago that they changed the time of the local public school where Max and Nathan will be attending this Fall. Last year the day started at 8 and went until 2:40 -- now breakfast/early drop off is at 8:20 & school day starts @ 8:40 - ends at 3:00 pm. Since I will only have a babysitter part-time starting September (from 2-6) that means I'll be bringing the kids in & then going to work. Before my boss was ok 'cause I'd be in by 9:30 the latest. Now.... So I was pretty panicked about it.



I don't want to work flex time, because that will mean coming home at 7-7:30 each night. I can't live like that. So, I came up with the idea of working one weekend day a month to catch up - or one night late a week. I figured one week my parents, one week my sister and one week J. I mentioned it to my boss & I have to say she's really great. She said not to worry - that she knows how difficult it is - and that we'll work it out.



So, over dinner Friday I tell them my idea. The response came at me rapid fire: "Couldn't you ask your sitter to stay longer?" "We'll pay her to stay longer for you?" "Isn't it time you've found a local sitter?" "Well, your mother and I have the theater group, the synogogue board, this and that, and this and that..." "I have stuff to do!"



So, I did what any normal person would do - I shut down. I said ok. Forget it. Let's move on. I didn't think it was such a big deal - if I did I wouldn't have brought it up at a dinner out.

My Dad looks at me with this totally angry face (you know how parents get those!) and says "I get the feeling that you think we don't do enough for you. Don't help you out. And it upsets me." I'm still shut down and just say "ok. ok. Let's move on." I just couldn't even begin to discuss this. J was there. His daughter. My Uncle.
My sister: "You never want to discuss anything. Never want to talk about it. We want to help - but you never let us."

J whispers to me: "Forget it. R & I will come over. We will stay with the kids. Don't worry."

Yeah, I guess it was that being attacked feeling that kinda made me feel like you weren't really trying to help me -- but figure out a way that you didn't have to do it yourself.

So, we get through dinner. It was fun. We go out & J, his daughter & I walk up to his apartment. J goes "You know, I don't like to get involved.... but.... if those were my parents I'd tell them if they didn't want to help that they couldn't see the kids. It's not about just playing with them -- you need help, too."

And you know - any other time something like this has happened I haven't had a Witness. So I leave feeling all battered & bruised & that it's my fault. Who am I to ask them? They have their lives. They're busy. I'm so needy. Selfish. Inconsiderate.

But now here's J telling me that I'm asking them for a one night a month commitment - and it's no big deal - and they are the ones being selfish.

We get back to his place. I cry.

We go to the beach the next day. I cry.

Sunday I wake up in a bad mood. Later in the day. I cry.

I've been trying to analyze what exactly is so upsetting to me - the anger from my dad? The abandonded feeling? The attacked feeling?

And oh. Come home. Pigeon stuck on balcony.

I need a vacation.

But who would watch the kids?

All joking aside

It's hitting me hard. This whole kids away thing. Like I've been in a fog all day. Like I've been staring, dreamily up at their photos... You'd think they were going away for months.

What am I going to do when their Dad wants to take them to NZ?!? And you know he will - I mean, his family is there & they're gonna all want to see the kids.

I've been in this funk about it, and then I'm talking to this social worker who works at a nearby Skilled Nursing Facility (in patient rehab). She is the social worker there for one of my clients. This client is demented, and has a daughter who has paranoid delusions. It's a really tough case. The daughter has finally begun to trust me - but she is not my client - the mother is. Problem is - the daughter cannot focus long enough to really care enough for the mother. So, I'm trying to step in. To talk to the SW there, find out what's going on, what the discharge plan is, etc... and the SW will not talk to me. HIPPAA. I've spoken to countless social workers at countless hospitals and rehabs - and never ever encountered this.

I kind of came on a wee bit strong & she snapped at me. I hung up and started crying. Just put my head down on the desk and cried. Knowing full well that it wasn't about the mean social worker. (Ok, I know. I came on a wee bit strong...)

So I'm trying to puzzle out why this is all hitting me so much. But meanwhile - it's gonna be a long damn week.

A cavalcade of Feelings

Last night as I was putting the kids to sleep I looked at them and thought "Oh, my boys.... it's going to be so long until I put you to sleep again..." Then I smacked myself on the side of the head. (Maudlin or overdramatic much?)

Yep - kids are going to X's from tonight until Sunday. But I've written that before, haven't I? Can you tell the Overwhelming Thoughts I've been plagued with?!?

It's funny, when X first moved out and had the kids at his place - or even when he first moved out & we weren't even doing the the kids overnight - he'd just come over to be with them & I'd go out for a bit.... I loved it. I craved it! Me time! Alone time! I can go to a movie! I can shop! I can sit and stare into space and nobody will come over and poke me in the eye!! (And yes, when X & I first split it was right at graduation from grad school, the kids were 2 $ 4 & there was considerably more stress and strain in my life - that's for sure.)

But somewhere along the track it's kind of changed.

Don't get me wrong - I love the time to myself -- two weeks of single parenting at a time is enough. We're pretty worn out of each other, honestly. When the kids come back after a weekend away I always notice how we look at each other differently. We all need the break. (Yes, I am recognizing that by the the end of the 2nd week I may have become intolerable to them & they need a break from me, too!) But the fact that he only has them four nights a month is also enough.

But, the fact is - we've become a strong family unit. The three of us. We have our routines, our inside jokes, our "family cuddles" - and we're a threesome. (And for the record I wanted that photo down here, but somehow it ended up there & I'm just too peeved to move it.)

Ok - so let me get to the point. It used to be so cut & dried. X takes the kids & Hurray! Me time! Time with J! Alone! And now.... well.... I miss them. And this isn't just for two nights - it's for FIVE! FIVE NIGHTS! DO YOU REALIZE THAT?!?!?! ALMOST A WEEK!!!!!

Although how psyched am I that I have time to finally get my hair cut!

I'm a Rock Star!!!

So. Guys. Did you all get a load of how many comments I have? Come on. Count them! I'll wait.

Uh huh - at least four, right?!?

Can you see the huge grin on my face? I'm sure if you try, you can imagine it! I tell you guys, if you too want FOUR COMMENTS on your blog (and stat counter says 17 people! 17!!!!!) alls you have to do is comment yourself.

It's a whole new world.

(Cracking myself up.)

Kids are going to X's starting tomorrow. I'm so anxious.... not so happy to think of them being with somebody who wants them to "fear" him. Ugh. Strange to me that they love him. I guess that's pretty common with divorced couples.... I mean - I loved him once, so there has to be something loveable, right? Nathan just said: "When I'm with you I miss Daddy, and when I'm with Daddy I miss you. Why don't you live together?" Just when I think I've explained that for the last time... each time they grow, learn, develop a bit more they ask it again.

Like Sysiphus and the rock. Just keep pushing it up the hill. Or maybe like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day... it will just keep playing, and replaying... "why did you divorce? why are you living in separate homes? why are you so angry at each other?" Ugh.

But wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT!!!! Omigod! I was so excited by the extreme traffic on my blog that I forgot this oh so important tidbit: MY DIVORCE IS FINAL. I am single. I can go back to my maiden name. I am truly solo. Honestly, it's a strange kind of feeling....

Funny thing, though - my mom congratulated me & sounded really happy. I guess as parents they have really mixed feelings about it... wanting me to be safe, happy, loved - and feeling that families should stay together no matter what. BUT, when I told them bits & pieces of how X treated me... and while they don't know that it's "emotional abuse" they're starting to have an inkling...

Chapter 65 done. Many more yet to come.

Gee, could this post have been MORE all over the place?!?

Grass Tennis Courts - Notebook - New York Times

Grass Tennis Courts - Notebook - New York Times

Where Max takes lessons..... although he doesn't play on the grass courts.

It's beginning...

So X called tonight to speak with the kids. He spoke with Max then asked to speak to me. He said: "You know, if he ever gets out of line; if you ever have any trouble disciplining him -- call me. I'll come over. I want him to fear me."

I know. I tell you stuff he says & it's like reading a bad novel!

I said "oh no - that's OK. We'll manage."

He then goes on to say stuff like Max is out of control. Think of how he'll be when he's 15, we have to get him into shape now..... etc, etc, etc. Then he says "We won't have any trouble with Nathan. He's the good one."

................

He's the "good one?" WTF?!?!? So I said that's great. It's so great that you're already labeling your children & deciding how they will be when they haven't even reached the age of TEN YET! (And I have to say - Max is totally full of beans, rambunctious, mischevious, loud, brash, active, and totally tests the limits of my patience and then some. But he is in no way, shape or form "bad.")

He's sounding all concerned... that there will be trouble down the pike, that Max just does not listen, that he belches, that he doesn't say his pleases and his thank-yous....

He says - you know, when Max misbehaves here I tell him to stop - that if he continues I will call you. That stops him. It gets him embarrassed and he stops.

"And you feel it's OK for a grown-up to embarrass a seven year old?"

I actually, honestly, did not know what to say. I kept silent for most of the conversation because I just could not believe it was happening. He has no concept. He bought Max Harry Potter - and told him if he reads the whole thing he'll give him 12 Pokemon cards. Max opens it: "There are no pictures!" It's a book for grades 3 - 12. He's going into 2nd. Now this.

When he & I were together it was the same thing. He would tell me: "Women should not walk, they should glide..." Like some sort of warped Victorian idea of how women should be. And how there were these women who could do absolutely everything. Perfectly. And oho - they were out there! But he could never really point one out to me...

And now it's coming over to my kids. Everybody has to be perfect. And not only perfect - but his warped, not realistic version of perfect.

I hung up and just felt so sad. That their father thinks of them like that. What I'm hoping is that my kids have a stronger sense of self than I did (and it seems like Max already does) so that they will just tell him to be quiet and leave them alone.

Sure do hope so.

Mommy Is Truly Dearest - New York Times

Mommy Is Truly Dearest - New York Times

Close or emeshed? You decide!

Last night

J was over last night.

Normally, when I put the kids to sleep I stay in their room until Nathan is asleep, and Max is very nearly asleep. But when J's there I skip out a bit earlier.

Last night, as I was skipping out, Max said something. I didn't hear what he said & asked him to repeat. First he said "forget it." Then he said - "ok, I'll tell you: Sometimes I think you love J more than you love me."

............

I went over & sat down on his bed. I told him how very proud I was of him for telling me. How wonderful it was. How it's sometimes difficult to talk about feelings... but it's important for me to know.

Then I told him how I had so much love - enough to love all of them the same.

And I said - you know, there hasn't been a grown up around here for a while & he goes "Yeah, yeah, I know - the divorce..." in his best teenage voice. (He's only 7! When did this happen?!) And I said yes, because of that. So sometimes I like to spend time with other grown-ups -- but it does not mean I don't like spending time with you. And you're getting older - you can really go to sleep on your own.

Then he totally called me on something: "But mom - sometimes when you leave you say you're going to check something, or go to the bathroom -- and I think you're going to come back -- and then I peek out and you're with J."

...............

So, I did what any respectable grown-up should do. I appologized. I said he was right. I should tell him that I"m going to see J. And that I won't do that again.

Kids.

Work stuff (2)

I posted this over there, too.

Today at work I have spoken to one client's brother and another client's daughter. Both clients need care at home.. almost desperately. And both the brother and the daughter were.... well... less than agreeable.

No. That's too strong. I think they want to help -- but they're caught in their own messes... finances, illnesses, family stuff.... and it's so hard.

You know, you only get homecare through insurance when you're sick. And if you have managed care you might get 2 hours every other day for two weeks. Not really so much for 1) a person who is blind and also has neuropathy in her hands and feet - so can't feel (read braile, dial phone) or walk (needs to use walker - but can't because can't see....) or 2) person with parkinsons who had a fall and has bruised coxyx and fractured pelvis. Is in severe pain now & on vicodan. Is incontinent - needs diaper changed. No. Not so much at all.

And still - what are these family members obliged to do? Do they say - I will help at whatever cost? What about their immediate families? What if they never got along with my clients. What if my client was a mean, abusive parent?

It's horribly frustrating for me - in the position of needing/wanting to help these clients & their choices are so few. The two hours through medical insurance that will stop in about a month. Medicaid. To go on medicaid you have to "spend down" (meaning use up) all your money & live on next to nothing. Or hire an attorney to help you "hide" it. But for the middle classes... that's not an option. Private Hire. Private hire homecare starts at $10/hour. TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR. And that's cheap. It goes up to $17... $20... Who can afford that? Not an option for middle classes, either. I have a client who has a live-in for $200/day. She cooks, cleans, does everything - and sleeps on a cot in his living room - a room with a window without any shades.

I hate this bloody system. I hate how our old and infirm are just tossed out there - and how only the very rich or the very poor are able to access services.

It's like banging my head on the wall.

This is what's going on

It's not a lot, but in my world.... it's actually kinda big. For me.

Saturday J had a graduation party for his daughter. For a host of reasons I could not go. But I felt badly. Honestly.... this little wee part of me felt a little left out. But I understood the reason why.

The kids and I spent the day out on Fire Island - visiting friends of ours who have a house out there. It was a wonderful, fun, relaxing day! But when I came home not an email, not a message, not a text from J. All day. And, I have to admit, I felt even more left out.

Now by this time you know there's the Logical Amy and the.... Neurotic Amy. Like most people. Logical me knew he was busy, that he thought of me, whatever... but the Neurotic one felt very, very sad.

So here's the big part, guys (you were waiting for it - I know!). I told him. Not such a big deal, but somehow it was. I thought - I went through an awful relationship where I kept pretty much everything inside. When I was upset I'd rationalize it, I'd think - it's not so important, or I'll get over it, or just deal with it - why stir things up.... And I thought I am not going to do that this time. I thought - (and this is what I need to start to feel) that I'm important too. I need to stand up for myself.

Told ya this was big. (My shrink's gonna be so proud!)

And you know, I have this thing where I feel like I get upset too easily. That I'm too picky, too sensitive, whatever - so that's another reason why lots of times I don't say anything. But this time I thought - I'm STILL going to say something. If I am being too picky, too sensitive.. let him tell me. Let us talk about it. Work it out. Let me get calibrated.

And I hate feeling this needy. Insecure. And it's the neurotic Amy -- not the Logical one. My shrink says it's normal after being in such a bad relationship -- to want/crave/need more from this one. She said it will even out. So it was good to have that normalized. (Just when I start to think I'm really really neurotic!) And I'm not that bad - not like I'm stalking him or anything! Lurking outside his apartment.... wearing dark glasses around his office.... Nah. More just feelings. That I'll get through.

So, with a fairly sizable preface & explanation -- I told him. We talked about it -and the reasons were exactly what I thought. And it was all good.

Let's tease this one out

Now, I'm a sibling. I'm the oldest sibling. I have a younger sister and a younger brother. But I'll be DAMNED if I remember teasing them the way my kids tease each other. It's crazy!

(Yes, that's one's hand over the other's face.)

For example: They both still pee in bed. One is five, the other is seven, they're both boys - so I'm anticipating (unfortunately) that this will not stop any time soon. Whatever. But one morning Nathan runs over and goes to me: "Max peed in bed. I didn't." Then runs over to Max "Ha-ha Max, you peed. I didn't!"

What's the point?

Or yesterday at the shoe store. "Nathan, you're going to get the DORA shoes! Mommy said she's going to get you the DORA shoes. You're a GIRL!" (The horror!) WHich leads to Nathan crying: "Max says I"m going to get the girly shoes! I don't want to get the girl shoes!"

I just stand there. Incredulous. "Do you want the girl shoes?" "No." "Then why does Max saying it make it happen?" And yes, I know - what was I thinking? How/why could I possibly think that logic would prevail?

And this is constant. The poking, the prodding, the running to be first. Always first. Then announcing it. Then pronouncing the other "loser." Or purposely sitting in the other's seat - with a hint of a smile....

But, what gets me through it is I know they really love each other. THey look out for each other, they play with each other, they care for each other in very very obvious ways...

I try. I really really try to ignore it. But damn.

And I wouold like to use this moment to mention how bloody annoying Blogger photos upload is!!

Win Nick's Life

Check out this ad for Steinlager Beer - it's hysterical!!

Steinlager

Tricks are for Kids!

I have a cold. Not dreadful, but pretty annoying. The last time I took cold medication I literally felt like I was on another planet. It was awful. The no drowsiness ones make me crazy, and the others, well... zzzzzzzzzzz

But! Today, sports fans - I took children's cold medicine!! And it worked! My nose is no longer stuffed and I'm not crazy. (Well, not any more crazy than usual...)

I am SO psyched. Just had to share. Because I care. Because I can breathe, baby! I can breathe!!

131 - US States Renamed For Countries With Similar GDPs « strange maps

131 - US States Renamed For Countries With Similar GDPs « strange maps

Good for Him!

So, remember how I wrote over here about how Max and X had "words" while we were out for lunch the other day? Well, I had been thinking about it quite a bit the fact that they were both being so stubborn, and how Max was totally butting heads with X.

So, I mentioned it to my shrink & you know what she said? She said "Good for him!" He is standing up for himself. He has a strong sense of self and will not let himself be pushed around. By anyone. He will not lose himself with his father, like you did... you lost yourself. You did a really good job with him."

So, you know... hearing that... so many things to think about in that one statement. (Shrinks are good for that, aren't they? Guess you have to feel like you're getting your money's worth...)

So 1) Losing myself. I guess I did. I remember about a year after X moved out, when I was going out w/EX and I was walking down the street & all of a sudden actually felt lighter. I felt good. And I realized my smile was different. It was easier. Also, lighter. ANd I knew - it was like a physical reaction - that I was back again. Strange how the body and mind are so connected... but it really was an actual feeling of just being lighter. (And no - not because of the weight I lost! I"m not that shallow!!)

2) Max with strong sense of himself & standing up for himself. You know, I think both my boys do. They both advocate for themselves - and for each other. I really know when they are at school, camp, classes, whatever - that they will NOT do what they don't want, and they will speak up.

3) Me doing a good job. Well, honestly, as I've mentioned before -- I really CANNOT hear that enough. It's just the bestbestbestybestbest thing to hear.

Now go get 'em. Max!

So I'm just thinking...

I was thinking about what I wrote in my last post... and about staying with a husband/wife if they become mentally ill. Now, I'm not saying that X was mentally ill - but I'm certain he has some diagnosable personality disorders.

And I suppose it depends on what the illness is.... but let's say the person has severe and persistent depression -- that is very very difficult to live with. Not to mention what it might do to the children. Is that more of an impact? A different impact than being physically ill and undergoing surgeries and treatments?

I mean - I don't know... just kinda thinking out loud - and probably there's no set answer, but on a case by case situation..... But when I was in that, I felt that I needed to stay - to help him - because we were married... and where does that responsibilty begin/end?

Am I really one of them?

I'm going to begin this post by saying I'm not sure if I'm going to post it or not. I have lots of stuff swirling around in my mind... and I'm thinking that maybe writing it out will help - in the cathartic way writing things out does help & also to just get it out, look at it, & think about it.

So. Ok. The other night I had another PTSD experience. J was over, something happened that was really pretty minor... I got through it - or so I thought - and fell asleep. Then woke up at about 3:00 am, remembered what happened & then started almost hyperventilating and then just... well... sobbing. It was strange. I mean, when I cry now it's not like this. Not this sobsobsobbing. You know, pass me the tissue box sobbing.

And I'm pretty sure I know what it was from. What happened with J reminded me about something that used to happen with X. Stuff that wasn't very nice. Stuff that I can't even bring myself to write about here - because to write it out would really be the final step - to really really talk about what an absolute bastard he was. Mean stuff. Stuff that just makes you feel really really small.

So while I knew that this is what happened with X & that it would never ever ever happen with J - I got scared. Scared that maybe it would. And I was sad. So, so sad. So sad that I had been in that situation. That these things happened to me. That I did not extricate myself from it. That I allowed it to continue. That I did not even say anything to X - just took it and tried to rationalize it away. (He's stressed, He's depressed, Things will be better once X, Y or Z happens....)

J woke up, comforted me and we talked about it. (You know, I don't think X ever comforted me. I don't think he knew how. He used to say that women used crying as a form of manipulation.) I told J about what I can't bring myself to write here. But it's good that I *can* talk about it with him. Very good.

The feelings were so strong that night -- that I even had a sort of hang over from them the next day. My brain was fuzz. It was overwhelming. The convergence of the past with the present & coming to terms with all of it.

So today I went to my shrink. And she was like.... 'Well, that's pretty normal.... you really went through a lot, etc. etc. etc... emotional abuse, blah, blah, blah." And while I might have tossed that term around when thinking/talking about my relationship with X -- it was just a term to be tossed. I never really thought about it. Emotional Abuse.

Shrink asked if I had ever talked to anybody about the things that happened with X - when it was happening, and I realized that I didn't. I wasn't seeing a therapist then... and honestly -- how many people can you tell that your husband says things like: "Well, I don't want to go to that pizza store tonight - the girl who works there is cute & I'm ashamed to be seen with you -- looking like that...."?

Uh huh. He did. And no, I didn't slug him, or yell at him, or anything. I just kind of went quiet. Telling myself: "It's not true. You know it's not true. It's just his "stuff" that he's working out... and once he works it out it will be better -- you just have to get through this... being married means you deal with the good and the bad" And, when things got worse I'd always think: "Ok, you're married - if somebody is physically ill you wouldn't leave them -- so do you leave if somebody is mentally ill? Aren't *I* the one who is suppposed to stick with him? Who else will, and isn't this what it's all about?"

Butcha know - you can't live in an environment like that & not have it impact you. And that's what is happening now. What I supressed before. What I didn't talk about before. What I kept in before, feeling like that was being strong -handling it. Is now coming out because I really am strong - and able to talk about it. Deal with it. It is making its way out now. I guess feelings are like water... they seek their own level & will just kinda worm their way through...

I asked the shrink if it will ever stop & she said the more I talk about it, the more it will dissipate... and go away.

But also, what I've been thinking about is the whole "Emotional Abuse" label. You don't like to think of yourself as "one of those." Or, ok - maybe I don't. I don't like to think of myself as an "abused woman." I'm tough - I talk back. I'm from a close family; a psychologically helathy family (whatever that means, but relative to others... yes!). I know what's what, I know the proper way for a woman to be treated... I was in social work school, for crying out loud! A social worker!

But... errr... the way I was treated was no way for anybody to be treated. And if you think of how I never would tell anybody what he said - or did (and no - he was never ever physical although he did fly into rages... and there was always the threat of violence... he never did.), and his father abused his mother.... (and that's really something that does pass from father to son).

It's such a strange, strange feeling to... I guess acknowlege this. Can I really label myself an "abused woman?" (And for some reason I keep hearing that Senator @ the Anita Hill Hearings: "Are you a scorned woman, Ms. Hill?") I could be one of those commercials: "YES - it DOES happen here!"

But, you know, on the flip side - my shrink constantly marvels about J. The fact that I am not repeating the pattern - and how I am with somebody who is pretty much the polar opposite of X. It's almost to the point that she just doesn't get it. These things don't happen! There are RULES to be followed!

Good to know, though, that I'm in the right place now.

Check this out

Sooooo funny! (And for some reason it won't let me embed the link...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY

Mo. man burns books as act of protest - Yahoo! News

Mo. man burns books as act of protest - Yahoo! News

Oh my. So sad on so many levels...

Ok, so it's all ok

Ok?


You know, I use this blog (and the other blog) to do a lot of complaining and venting. And lately (ok, maybe mostly, maybe mostly always) it's been about X. Butcha know, I've been thinking.....

I've been going to this new shrink. My old one was very Freudian. Did not talk. This one talks -- and I'm finding I like the talking. It gives me a window into the things I have going RIGHT in my life... how I'm actually pretty ok. And yes, probably the silent shrink helped me well along to my place of relative ok-ness.... but now this is good, too.

I was telling her about X & his girlfriend, and me and J & she said "you know, you're very lucky - very often girlfriends or step parents can not like the kids. Or be jealous." Hmmm, I thought. Yes, I suppose I'm very lucky about that. We're all pretty ok. Yesterday X and his girlfriend came to the boys little league game. It wasn't their weekend to have the kids and X (yes, X!!!) got up early and got there! And ok, I could have done without it... but it was so great for the kids!

And then Shrink told me how it was so great how the kids were so willing to accept J and X's girlfriend. How they were so comfortable with them, showing affection to them. She said "They must have been raised with a lot of love and security -- so that they are so willing to show it to others, and have no fear that it won't be returned." Do you know HOW GOOD that made me feel?!? You get so bogged down - especially with this whole divorce thing - with wondering if you're doing the right things.... kids are ok.... etc, etc.... And ok - you get report cards, you see them for yourself... but you know the parental eye is only SO unbiased....

Then yesterday we were at a pool club with J's family (his parents, sister, neices...) and my kids were so comfortable with them - Max running over to J's parents to tell them what he just did in the pool. And I saw it again. You know, the biggest thing "they" say that can happen to kids post-divorce is that they feel it's their fault. They become reserved. Guilty.

Ahhhh, it just felt so good.

Let's get Physical

So, I had the day off yesterday and went for my yearly physical. I am totally (knock on wood) healthy, although I did have a few issues I wanted to talk to the Dr. about. I've actually gone to this doctor more than once -- which is strange in this day and age of changing insurance coverage... But - I really like her and oh - she doesn't take insurance. Yep. She decided that she would rather be able to spend time with her patients & not be within the constraints imposed by insurance. My insurance does take out of network though - so I guess it's ok. (Even though I probably won't meet my deductible. But whatever.)

So ANYHOW.

I told her how I've been getting these migraines right around mid menstrual cycle & near the end - and how I've been getting these strange heart palpitations. I said I didn't know if these were stress related, or just a new wonderful, fun thing my body was now doing. (That whole getting older, peri-menapausal thing. Nice to think about, I know.)

So, she asked me about PMS - and I said sometimes I feel it for about two weeks out of each month... moody, tired, moody, cranky, moody.... So, she recommended these calcium suplements. THEN she goes on to say how prozac is really good for PMS. PROZAC!!!

I was like - I have PMS, but I'm not one of those people who go over the edge.... just a bit more "sensitive" than usual.

But she kept bringing it up. "Why lose two weeks out of a month?" and "You don't wnat to take your moods out on your kids..." She actually made it seem really good... I mean, imagine.... being PMS free? It really WOULD make a difference in my life. Except that I think I think of this as PART of my life. It's what happens to my mind/body. Is that wrong? I mean, I would be the first to tell somebody that if something is going on in your mind/body that you don't like - then give yourself some relief and fix it! So I don't know. Gonna try the mega vitamin stuff & see how that works.... Prozac!!

Then we talked about weight. Just that morning I tried on summer clothes. Ugh! Nothing was fitting! (Ok, i'm in the midst of..... PMS.... but still!) So I was feeling mighty tubby. I gained five pounds from last year. BUT - she told me I'm right in my weight range! That I have a perfect BMI (Body Mass Index) and that I Don't. Need. To. Lose.

What? Is she crazy? I mean really.

(This is after a week of trying Slim Fast and making myself crazy by having fantasies of inhaling boxes of crackers...)

I am 5'2 and currently weigh 118. ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN POUNDS! So, we discussed it for a bit & she said she wouldn't recommend me going below 110. Then she says "And you know how difficult it is for somebody of your weight to lose just a little bit." Yes. I know. Thank you for reminding me.

Then I got to thinking.... am I falling into this whole body image crap thing? I mean, if my doctor is telling me I'm fine & I do not need to lose -- why am I killing myself like this? Because really, shouldn't you just want to be a certain weight for health reasons? And as long as you're healthy... then just go on your merry way? Just wear the clothes that fit you for that weight?

Or should you want to feel really good in those low rise jeans and t-shirt?

Shit man. I wanna feel GOOD!

And the best tourists in the world are... | Oddly Enough | Reuters

And the best tourists in the world are... Oddly Enough Reuters

Tune in this week...

For another episode of the TV Movie of the Week. Because that's what my life is starting to feel like.

Max had a little league game yesterday at 6:30 pm. J met us there. And, surprise surprise - so did X. And his girlfriend. All of us. Sitting on the bleacher. Watching the game.

And honestly, it was really really ok... but the whole time I just couldn't help but feel like I was something out of a tv movie of the week. Or an after school special. Like: This is my life now. I'm a single mom, with a boyfriend and an Ex husband... who has a girlfriend.... and there we all are, as happy as pie....

This sort of stuff doesn't happen to me. This sort of stuff happens to other people.

I grew up in such a "Happy Family". Did I ever, in a hundred thousand million years think that I'd be leaning over my boyfriend, who was sitting next to me, to talk to my X about our son? I thought I'd always be with X. But then, so does every currently divorced, or soon to be divorced person. You (hopefully) would not marry them otherwise.

So it was just so... surreal.

Butcha know - he STILL won't pick up the scooters!

There's Nothing really to say.

Blue Drinks?

Tonsil Boy

Nope. Don't think there's any strep left in there.... But thanks for the view.

Yankees Game

We went to see the Yankees play the Texas Rangers (Yankees lostlostlost) but it was fun anyhow!

We went with J and his daughter. It was a bit of a long day for Nathan, but there were enough people and things there to keep him busy. Also, I bought each of the boys a Yankees hat and one "toy" so that kept them entertained for a while... I mean, how could you not go to a First Baseball Game and not buy stuff?!?

Ok. Well I couldn't.

And what is up with this formatting? How do I fix it? This is highly distressing.

And To Make Matters WORSE

I just found my first gray hair!!!!!

This is it now, folkes. The beginning of the end. And just think, you were here right when it started, and you can now say "Oh yes, I knew her when she was young..." Or "Yeah, she's not really aging very well."

Or even "Man, those old people really get grumpy!"



*Omigod, I really can't believe it! It was right there! Right in the front! As gray as the old gray goose -- who also ain't what she used to be.....

It's happening.

I'm getting old.

I know, I know... it happens. Heck, I work with senior citizens - of course I know it happens! But shhhhh...... it's something that happens to other people! Not me!!

I've been very lucky - I look young, no grey hairs, no wrinkles (to speak of. Well, I don't check ok?!?!) etc. And ok, so in the last year or so my eyesight has been going. Like I can't see at all when my eyes are tired, or there's dim lighting. And my eyesight has always been perfectly perfect.

But now this is something else.

I went to the Dr a week or so ago (my OB) and then yesterday I had an ultra sound. I had been having these pains in what I felt to be my right ovary. First I thought it was just ovulation pains... but then it just didn't go away. So, I did what any normal person would do. I freaked out. I caled my ob & went in for her to take a look.

She found nothing, but sent me for the ultra sound (yesterday). The ultra sound also found nothing.

So I asked them: "ok, there's nothing - so what is causing the pain? How can there be pain and be nothing there?!?!" Their response is: "sometimes there's just pain."

Then it dawned on me: This is Old People's Pain! When you get older you just start having these pains... and now I have one, too! (and I've been trying to hold this back - but you know that this pain is of course in addition to the two pains who are oftentimes my children! Hee, hee, hee! Ok. I said it.)

Then something else happened. When I was in the ultra sound room I told the technician how I used to come there when I was pregnant w/the kids. She asked how long ago & I was like "oh, 7 and 5 years ago..." She goes "oh, I bet the technology has changed a lot since then." Since Then?!?!? What are you talking about?!? My kids are young!! This wasn't a long time ago! It was yesterday!!!!

And again. I felt old. I'm a "since then." I was pregnant seven friggin' years ago - which never seemed like a long time... but now it's "since then" and new technologies have come up and my pregnancy was ages and ages ago... and.... and... time is passing....ergo I am....Old.

It was a very eventful ultra-sound.

But it's not like mine!!

So, those of you who have been regular readers (2 of you?) have probably picked up that I've picked up that I was probably never in love with X. I don't know what it was. I thought it was love. And perhaps he loved me in his own warped kinda way... but feeling what I feel now - with J - I sure as shit never felt that with X. Never. Not even once.

So, this is what I've been noticing now, about me. Even though J and I have been going out for more than a year already -- so it's not like this is still shiney sparkely new - I feel like I have to talk about it All The Time. All the time. And talk about him. To everybody.

And ok, I feel like it. I don't do it. I'm not stupid. I don't want to alienate all my friends and relations. Although I suppose this is better than dealing with me venting about X. Constantly.

But I also find myself... when I'm telling people about this... and thinking about their relationships... I'm thinking... "Yes, but you don't love him as much as I love J. You don't REALLY know what I mean. Yours is not the same!"

And Omigod!! When I catch myself thinking those things I give myself a virtual slap! "Sotp it! You're becoming a silly mooning kid! This is what it is and this is what most people have! Stop being such a self-centered git!"

But still. It's kinda cool. And you probably know what I mean.

It Wasn't Me!

I went with Max's 1st grade class on a school trip to the Queens Botanic Garden. It was lots of fun, and the first time I have ever accompanied either of my children on a trip. He asked me, so I called in sick... So, imagine the pride, just welling up inside, when one of the guildes said to a group of kids: "NO! We NEVER write on the hot house white wash! That lets in the sun and kills the plants!"

Right.

You know, if you are going to do something like that..... draw a smiley, draw a peace sign, write "First Grade Sux!" But your name?!

RecipeSource: Spam Hashbrown Bake

RecipeSource: Spam Hashbrown Bake

Yum. And so healthy, too!

Captain America Arrested With Burrito In Pants - News Story - WFTV Orlando

Captain America Arrested With Burrito In Pants - News Story - WFTV Orlando

My Sea Legs

I had to go uptown today for a meeting. Now, I'm all, all, all the way downtown so when I say uptown it's most people's midtown. (Ok, maybe some other peoples' downtown, but not get too confusing, shall we?)

ANYHOW, the meeting was right by Bryant Park - in the East 40's. Which was nice, nice day, etc, etc.... But the meeting let out right around lunch time and there were SO friggin many people!!

I mean, I've lived and worked in New York City for a long, long time... but my job before here was up at Columbia University... so not a lot of people there.... And where I work now is, like I said, so far downtown, very residential. Granted, it's very close to Chinatown... which I tend to avoid. Why? Because it's so CROWDED. And, I must add, when I come in on the weekends I avoid the crowded turist-y spots & all the people I visit live in residential areas... so not too crowded. I just have been far, far, far from the maddening crowds.

So, I was a bit freaked out today. I would walk at the regular fast clip, but when I wanted to look in a store window -- the stopping and getting OVER to that window? Can you say "Annoyed about 50 people?" Is there some way to do that that I've just forgotten? I felt like such a .... a.... (I can't say it) a.... tourist! (Cue scary music!)

I'm going to have to take field trips up there at least once a week & get my NYC legs back!

Va. Tech gunman writings raised concerns - Yahoo! News

Va. Tech gunman writings raised concerns - Yahoo! News

You know, you read this article and all I cancan see that the gunman was a disturbed....kid. A kid. And yet he was allowed to get a gun - not a hunting rifle - a gun. A gun that you don't need to stop to re-load, but that keeps firing.

You know the"college years" are typically when most people have psychic breaks. Especially boys. Here we have one of those - and he was allowed to buy a gun.

I really hope they don't start demonizing him, and loose focus of the fact that it is our horrible gun laws that did this.

And yes, I should be working now.

Well put

I love Gwen Ifill

what happened to...

upper case letters? Have you guys read this blog? Honestly, I've read many, many blogs - and perhaps I had higher expectatinos for this one... but they were most definitely too high.

Kurt Vonnegut, Counterculture’s Novelist, Dies - New York Times

Kurt Vonnegut, Counterculture’s Novelist, Dies - New York Times

The Week That Was (Part 2)

You can see a pattern to this, right? I start off first thing in the morning, then the next post is at night? Well, if you don't see it - that's the pattern.

Ok. Next.

So I wrote about the first night over on Xanga (think the link's listed on the sidebar, for all you interested people. Two of you.) now's the one you've all been waiting for! Come on, don't be shy! YOu know!! Meeting J's parents!! The seder at his sister's house!!

So I was pretty, kinda, sorta, a little... errr... nervous. He picked us up at my parents' house, I had a backpack packed with everything my kids could ever want in the span of a four hour dinner, and the giant box of handmade matzah.

And, you know what, guys - this is really going to be a very boring post. It was totally cool. Totally relaxed. Totally normal. My kids could NOT have been better (ok, except for Nathan's constant fake burping & "excuse me's" but people thought it was cute... so it passed. Once they get to know him, they might not really think so - but it's the honeymoon period.)

His parents are very nice, all the people there were very nice - we all felt very comfortable. Nathan got right into it & to my extreme embarassment had no qualms about adressing J's father by his first name.

The honeymoon period.

AND - the topping on the Kosher for Passover Cake - at the end of the night J's mom told me that she "approved!" I passed!!!

He's number one!

Can you believe it?! He actually got that number....

Welcome to MY Travel Rights.com

Public Service Message. :)

Welcome to MY Travel Rights.com

some good info.

A fine, fine line...

So this is what I've noticed: There is a fine line between being helpful and being a busy body. Dontcha think? Let me explain.

Say you're sitting in a theater, and you know what row you're in, and you hear the people in the row behind you sort of bickering over their seats. THey are all in the wrong seats. And you hear them distinctly say a row that you know they are NOT in, because they are right behind you, and you KNOW which row you are in... so.... you turn around and say "That's not row B, it's row A."

Busy body or helpful?

Or, lets say you're on the elevator in a department store and you hear two people wondering which floor they have the ladies shoes & you blurt out "third floor." YOu weren't asked. They weren't saying to each other "we should ask somebody" you just... ummm... blurt it out. I mean, it's not like you could HELP hearing what they were talking about - it's the friggin elevator! Right?

Busy body or helpful?

Or you're walking down the street and you hear the people behind you wondering where they should go out for dinner... and you turn around and make a suggestion. (Ok, that hasn't actually happened, but believe me - it's been close enough...and it COULD!)

Busy body or helpful?

I know, not so easy to distinguish. I"m trying. I'm really trying. I. Just. Can't. Helpit!

No fading star: Actress gets roles at 97 - Yahoo! News

No fading star: Actress gets roles at 97 - Yahoo! News

Very cool.

Passover Part Two

I wrote about Passover part 1 - over on Xanga --- but here's part two.

The second night of Passover - for the second seder - we will be going to J's sister's house. I will be meeting his parents & his neices. My boys will be meeting his parents & his neices. For the first time. At the seder. A nice, calm relaxing first meeting - dontcha think?

I mean, I'm nervous and I'm not. I suppose I would have preferred meeting his parents first - just the four of us - before this. Before I have to have five eyes to keep on my kids who will be in a strange house, with strange things and people they have not met before.

No pressure, or anything.

And that's not to mention that this will be the first time my kids will be sitting through BOTH parts of the seder.... so imagine, if you will... sitting at a table (albeit with food, singing, etc, etc) for a good three hours or so. My kids. While a service is going on.

No pressure, or anything.

So, we'll be going there the second night... and I'll be meeting his parents, watching my kids, worrying about their behavior, worrying about them eating, worrying about my behavior, worrying about my eating... worrying about the state of the world we live in, worrying if the gerbil is ok, worrying about US debt, worrying about if they spill something on the table, worrying about if I left the coffee pot on....

No pressure, or anything.

I'm joking. Half joking. I'm a little bit worried about all this... I mean, it will be a lot - but then I just have to realize that they're kids, that his family are probably all very nice & oh - have a few glasses of wine.

What year is this?!

Kentucky.com 03/26/2007 $27 million anti-evolution museum to open soon

Good Morning!

Hi! How are you? How's it going? Have a good week? (How long has it been since I posted here last...? Not really sure.) Keeping out of trouble? Good. I'd hate to think that my blogging rate in any way correlated to the amount of trouble you guys got into. (You guys! See how I make my readers plural -- when if I'm lucky there will be one! Ha!)

So anyhow, as you can tell from that introduction I got nuthin'. Nothing to write about. Oh, well maybe....

Facilitating. I had to facilitate a break out group at our all staff "conference" last Friday. All week it was weighing on me. Heck, since I found out about it it was weighing on me. But, my boss said it "looked good" and I was "nominated" to do it because she "knew I could".... and blah blah, blah -- lots of other stuff supposed to make me feel really good about myself. Which. Ok. I suppose it did. But still made me feel nervous as heck.

People don't think I'm shy. I speak up in meetings, always voice my opinion, make little wise cracks.... and they don't think I'm shy. But I do.

Although, I suppose if you analyzed my behavior it wouldn't really seem like that of a "shy" person. But I still see myself like that. Maybe like a really overweight person.... when they lose weight they still see themselves as fat? I don't know. Kind of like a phantom limb, maybe...

So anyhow, I get down to the area where the group is supposed to meet & I'm the first one there. One or two people come & I'm fine with that. I'm fine with chatting. I'm fine with banter. But then they're all there. Twenty friggin five of them! And they are ALL LOOKING AT ME.

So I start & realize I'm drenched with sweat. I talk and realize the minute something comes out of my mouth I have no idea what it was... But they are all looking at me, with the same attentive look - so I must not be making too much of a fool of myself.

I make a little joke. They laugh.

Finally, I start to feel relaxed, and it's over. I bump into one person later: "You did a good job." Wow, did she know I was feeling so crazy about it? Ok, but that was nice.

In the end I feel like I didn't keep them as focused as they should have been. That I didn't really explain what we should have been discussing well enough - but you know - the other group who discussed the same thing came up with the same suggestions... soooooooo Something must've happened.

We went back to the main room. All the directors are thanking me. Thanking the facilitators.... Ok, so now I'm known at the agency. Not a small agency, either. So that's good. I guess. Isn't it?

But I get back to my desk and I crash. Crash, crash, crash. Must. Have. Nap. We got out of work early, I went up to J's place, fed his dog, and crashed a big crash.

It's over.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
My friend H. who teaches public speaking says that fear of public speaking is the most common of phobias. She said she will work with me to give me some pointers.

NATIONAL BUY DICK CHENEY A CHEESEBURGER DAY

NATIONAL BUY DICK CHENEY A CHEESEBURGER DAY

Happy Anniversary!

Thought this was a fun way to way to chronical my first meeting of J. (Ok, maybe not fun, but different. Informative? New? Unusual? Well, whatever. I just wanted to, ok?!?) The two copied posts are from my Yahoo 360 blog (that was private) and the linked one is the Xanga blog.

FROM THURSDAY, MARCH 9, 9:17 PM
Or crack myself up -- which I actually do on a fairly regular basis....
So I switched the dates. My Saturday night date with mask man has been switched to Friday - and I'm going to be going out with Fun Wednesday Night Date Saturday.
I'm not even sure WHY I am going out with Mask man - except for the fact that I told him I would. I'm totally psyched about the 2nd date with Fun Wednesday NIght Date...
Then I have a lunch date with another guy on Tuesday.
ANd, at this point - all I really want to do is just go out with Fun Wednesday NIght Date again. It was THAT good...

Also THIS from THURSDAY, March 9th

FROM SATURDAY, MARCH 11, 9:01 AM

So you know what - I totally cancelled the date with Mask Man. When I first moved the date his response was: "Well, you know that the skirt that you're wearing on this date just got shorter." Huh?!? I thought he must be joking. Nope.
Then, when I cancelled (well, ok, I'm a wimp - it was more like I postponed...) he was like: "I don't think there's a skirt that's short enough to make up for this." DOuble huh?!?
No more mask man.
TOTALLY psyched for my date tonight, though. TOTALLY.

FROM SUNDAY, MARCH 12th 1:29 AM
Omigod!
Guys!!! Great date! Omigod! Great, great, great!!
I think I really like this guy! Nice, cute, normal, funny, smart... he just has a great "way" about him... (Thank you, Billy Joel...)
I'm feelin' some serious liking coming

What a Working Woman Needs: A Wife - New York Times

What a Working Woman Needs: A Wife - New York Times

It's so true.

So here I am, once again

Yup, here I am. I'm in a writing mood, but the problem is.... I don't really have anything to write about. I wrote about it all over there - so I got nuthin' left. Nothing. Not a thing. And I knew that when I logged into this site. I said to myself: "Self, why are you logging into this site? You have nothing to write. On that site. Tonight." (Cracking up.)

Ahem, right. So. Back to the nothingness that is this blog post.... Hmm.... lets see... something is bound to come up...

Ok, well, how about this - its J & my ONE YEAR anniversary this Thursday. That's right, sports fans, one year! I don't know why, but I'm really, really excited about it. Not that I need a huge celebration or anything... but I don't know.... one year... Wowsa!

J said something to me like "oh yee of little faith"... meaning, I guess, that I was so surprised that we made it to one year... and of course, that got me thinking... Do I not have faith? Have I become so cynical? Why SHOULD it be such a big deal?

When I first started dating - a year after X moved out - it was a very strange learning experience for me: all of a sudden I became this FORTY YEAR OLD WOMAN WITH TWO KIDS WHO LIVES IN QUEENS. Not the 22 year old with no kids who lives in the West Village. I became this type. This inconvenient, old, out of the way type. I remember one guy on jdate telling me: "I'm sorry, I don't date moms."

I did manage to go out on quite a few dates.... (dontcha worry, I did ok!) but somehow they all imploded by the third date. Like a switch would go off in me and I would just no longer like the person.

I went out with EX for about 10 months or so... but I mean how do you really count that? He lives in another country. We saw each other once a month -- less than that, even. Then he (gasp!) broke up with me because he couldn't handle not seeing each other more often.

I dated a bit after that... and then I met J. And I liked him so much right from the very first date. Then the second date.. then I was so worried about the third -- would it happen? Would I suddenly not like him? I didn't want it to happen.... but it mysteriously did every time & I had no idea why!

Poof! Third date - didn't happen! Still liked him.

Heck, I think I could almost say this was love at first sight, really.

So why am I so hung up on this one year thing? I think I'm liking the idea of permanence... and this makes it just seem more so... in my mind, more solid. And, like I've said to J, this seems kinda silly but I like the idea of saying "remember last year..." and now having a point of reference!

I'm really not that difficult to please!

Pole Dancing Parties Catch On in Book Club Country - New York Times

Pole Dancing Parties Catch On in Book Club Country - New York Times

I think this speaks for itself.

A Funny Thing Happened On My Way..

Ok, I wasn't "on my way" I was already *at* but I just felt like using that title. So sue me.

(Aside: Nathan became upset that there was a book/movie with Max's name in it (Where the Wild Things Are) so he threatened to leave. Packed his bag & went to the door. So, we looked on line for things with Nathan and found Guys and Dolls/Nathan Detroit. We Found Adelaide's Lament and spent most of the rest of the day singing "sue me, sue, me, what can you do me...")

But anyhow.

I was at a meeting last week, was sitting with a co-worker I don't know too well & we got to talking... I mentioned how I have no time after work... childcare... babysitter.... X and she looks at me and says; "Well, wouldn't it be easier if you just got back with him?"

Huh?

Wouldn't life be easier, she suggested, if I got back with him... for me, for my kids.... because her parents were in a horrible relationship and they stayed together.

(Let me add right here that I do not believe this co-worker is married...)

I explained that NO, it would not be better... but she looked at me with such disapproval... It wasn't her business, so I wasn't going to go into how we went for counseling, or how we stayed together far, far longer than we should have...

But what I realized, what I had forgotten, was that there are many, many people who really do not look kindly on divorce. I mean, isn't it a sin in the Catholic Church? And it was the first time I had felt the cold hard glare of disapproval for doing this.

Then I was talking to my parents about friends of theirs... it seems the friends' daughter's husband is the carrier for a horrible, horrible birth defect. The daughter has been pregnant a few times already and has miscarried... and they are trying again, but still very worried. I suggested adoption. My mother replies that her friend is "against adoption" (Hey, what about the friend's daughter? How does she feel? Oh, never mind.) That you "never know what you are going to get", and something about them not being as "good" as "regular" Why are they put up for adoption... something is "wrong" with the parents....

Of course I explained about how adoptions are so different now, open adoptions, etc, etc.... but I could tell my mom kinda half believed her friend.... she was listening to me in that "oh, let me humor her" kind of way... (And don't tell me you don't know that sort of listening way!)

When I was finally able to close my jaw that was hanging on my chest I remembered X telling me his mom felt the same way. I thought it was just her.. .but now....

I don't really know where I"m going with this... but it never ceases to amaze me the amount of ignorance there is out there.... and how people are so quick to judge others - and here especially when people are trying to do something to help themselves.. help their children....

C'mon people... open your minds.

Admissions Jockeying Starts Earlier in New York - New York Times

Stuff like this sends me running to the hills....

Admissions Jockeying Starts Earlier in New York - New York Times

But M'am, One More Thing

My phone has caller ID. The result of that is that if I don't recognize the number, or if a call is from a 1-800 number, I usually don't answer the phone.

Last night, for some reason, I did.

"Hello, may I please speak to....." The voice was of a young guy, most definitely not from this country. "Speaking" "Hello Ma'am, my name is Robin. I am calling to tell you that you have just won a free trip..." "Oh yes, free until I have to pay." "No, no ma'am..." and he continued. The poor guy was so obviously reading from a script, and not doing a very good job. And each time I would make a snide remark it totally threw him off. So I listened. I never do that. I usually cut them off, tell them thanks but no thanks, or something. But for some reason, the earnestness in this guys voice - the idea that he was sitting in some other country - earning far less than he deserved just because some Western company could get away with it...

So I grunted, I said "Uh, huh" and I listened. It seemed I won a free trip for two adults to either Vegas, or a two night Carnival Cruise - and all I had to pay was the taxes. Hmmm? Fishy?

Then he started to ask for personal data... and I. Just. Couldn't. Do it. Wonder why.

So I said "No, no, I'm sorry. I can't do that." "But ma'am, but ma'am!" "I'm sorry, I know you work very hard, but I can't do this thank you. Bye." "But ma -

And do I feel better about my made up "good deed." No. Because now I'm thinking what if he gets in trouble for using the time but not closing the deal. So really, the only way I could have REALLY helped would have been to go on the cruise, or go to Vegas....

Next time I'm just not going to answer the phone.

Nice

You know, just before, in my other blog, I posted about how things feel a bit... down now... or off, But I really should have written about how things have been here. In my house. For the past two or three weeks.

Nice. They've been really really nice.

Since the kids came back from X's for that long weekend... something happened. Like we all had a renewed appreciation for each other. Maybe I had a final realization how it must be for them, there, and my reactions to them changed - I don't know.

I'm trying to think of how to explain it... because so much of it is just a feeling. They're still talking the bathroom talk, still running around slamming doors, knocking stuff off shelves (ask me how much that sound scared me - from the other room!). But we look at each other differently. Max comes over for hugs. We sit with each other differently... The level of tension is down. For all of us. (Which is even more amazing considering the PMS from hell I've had the past week.) There are more smiles. More talking. More relating.

I keep feeling like... we're a family unit. The three of us. More cohesive. And we're just all appreciating that and each other.