Baseball Weekend

Yep. This past weekend was just all, all, all about baseball. And, errr, well - that was ok. I like being outside. I like the summer. And I like being with happy people; so...

We went to the Yankees game on Saturday. (No. I don't know who won. Don't ask me!) J has season tickets but only four. We were five. The last time we went we stopped off at the Yankee Club for brunch before - so we just went into the game. Nobody noticed & we didn't really think about it. (Yes, ok - Nathan's 5 and a real person... but we just didn't think about it!) This time we went in through the front & were stopped. "Hey, there are five of you but four tickets!" We spoke to a manager who said "If he can fit under the turnstile it's ok."

So, we started to walk through when suddenly a security man grabbed Max's arm. I was on one side of the turnstile, he was on the other. The look on his face... (no, it wasn't quite like the one he so ably made for that photo...) I said "Let him go! You're scaring him!" The man wouldn't. ("Gotta keep my hands on this 7 year old! Who knows what he'll do!")

Finally we worked it out & the man let Max in. He snuffled a bit & seemed ok. A few minutes later: "Mom, what happens if somebody grabs me & tries to take me away?" I explained how you yell as loud as you can & kick, bite, punch & somebody will help. Or I'll be there. "Yes. But what if they don't? What if you're not?"

I just kept saying that they will, and I will -- because you know, I just couldn't go to that other place in my mind....

Rest of the game was fairly uneventful. Got cotton candy, which is always cool. Spent far too much on souvenirs... (I'm a sucker for buying my kids souvenirs. I just am.)

Then, came back to J's, visited R @ her job at Ben & Jerry's - got free icecream (whoo hoo!) and ate on J's stoop. Found out that the boy's dad was right down the street and played for a bit in Riverside Park. (I'm thinking that that is where I got all the bites I'm currently scratching..) (And yes, strange photo of me. I look oddly contorted or something...)

The next day we went to Brooklyn for a Cyclone's game. We went to Nathan's which wa very exciting for Nathan! He kept thanking us for coming to his restaurant... walked on the Boardwalk, went to the beach, and even the Aquarium! Then the game!

It was so cool! Seeing the Parachute jump in the background... being so close to the game, the boys getting to really see the players, have their glove/balls signed... I'm a believer!

Feel free, at any time, to ask me how much I HATE Blogger's photo formatting. These photos are nowhere near where I wanted to put them.

The weekend

Just some photos. Will post later.

Talk Therapy

So I talked to him yesterday. I went to my shrink in the morning, started crying again & was like WTF! What is going on!?

She said that sometimes therapy stirs up emotions. Stirs up things from the past that are unresolved. (Oh great. I have seven years of un-expressed, unresolved stuff!) And that sometimes this happens as the feelings come out. As they are triggered by stuff that happens now.

I asked when it would stop. She said once I get everything out. So I figured F this - I'm not spending more time feeling bad. So when I got to work I emailed J. We have to talk. Soon. I wanted any of the feelings I had. Anything that was bothering me OUT before the weekend. I wasn't going to go through another one. Plus, I mean, I was such a bitch on wheels...so aggravated by everything! I don't want to subject everybody to that. I want to have a good fun weekend!

So we talked. I told him about how alone I felt when he didn't come during the week (which was also triggered by the Wallerstein book I wrote about below. Needing somebody there, to validate you, to help you...) How I had come to really depend on those visits. Etc, etc, etc.

I felt silly telling him this. Feeling so needy. You know, we're kind of conditioned to feel like: "I can do this on my own! I'm a strong, independent woman!" And I felt like - I'm seeing him pretty much every weekend! What's the big deal! Deal with not seeing him during the week! Be strong! But ultimately I couldn't. Ultmately that weekly visit really just meant more than "seeing" him. It was the presence of caring, love, support, assistance, laughs, company.... and I needed it. I need it. And I have to stop feeling "selfish" for talking about things that I need. If I need it, then it's not silly.

And you know, I told him -- not with the purpose of having him come over - but just with the purpose of getting it out. But he said: "We will come over. I will come with R. And the dog. And we will come over."

I have no words.

What about The Kids?

When X & I first decided to split, one of the first things I did was talk to one of my professors at Social Work School. What was a good book for me to read, and what was good for the kids? I got them Dinosaurs Divorce (which I just saw, thanks to Amazon, that I ordered January 9, 2005. Strange having that noted for history.) and It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear. They are really great books - and we actually still come back to them as the kids relate to them differently as they get older...

I got for myself "What About The Kids" by Judith Wallerstein. (Purchased February 14th, 2004! Valentine's Day!!!) and it was great. Well written, full of common sense, and backed up by empirical data! What more do you need!

So anyhow, fast forward to today (Three years 5 months later!!!) and I'm complaining to a friend about X, about his style of discipline, about how the kids will be with him for Five Whole Days! The friend reminds me about the book. Tells me to look at the chapter called "A New Kind of Mother." Says it will give me strength.

So I read it and Oh My Freaking G-D!!! If that chapter was not written Just For Me -- I don't know what was?!?!

She starts off by acknowledging that women really get the short end of the stick. How they take care of the home, the kids and work - and get no recognition for that. (And that's really for married couples too, methinks.)

She goes on to say how if you ask any mother where their children are at any given point in time - they will know. Just as you will know their schedule, appointments, friends, play dates. And, when you're married and your children are with your husband.. well.. you kind of feel that they're still with you. That you are in control of their care. What they eat. Where they go. What movies they see.... (I stuck that in 'cause X took them to see Monster House and Nathan is STILL talking about how scary it was!)

Plus, you can talk to your husband about the day. What they did. Who was happy/sad/good/bad...

But - and this is where my jaw dropped - she writes:

"

But after divorce that sense of knowing where your children are - and
feeling secure in that knowledge - is a lot harder to maintain. When
your children are off with your ex, the might as well be residing in a black
hole. Sometimes the children will tell you what they did, but not
always. You don't get a full report. Because you don't want to
coach them or nag them for details, you mostly won't know what they
did. You certainly can't ask them to tell you what your ex did with
his girlfriend. Their dad is not likely to tell you, either."

Ugh!! That's ME! That's me!!!

"

You feel bad because you can't give your child the full-time supervision and
protection that goes with your inner vision of what a mother should do.
Had the marriage stayed happy or at least functioning well enough, you would be
providing a different level of care and protection...... For a mother that
makes a world of difference. This loss of feeling in control can really
shake you up [Yes! Yes!] How can you be privy to this partial view
of your child's life"

So I'm just about yelling at the book at this point. "How do you know! Omigod! Yes!! That's so how I feel!"

But, it gets BETTER!!!

(And I'm sorry to be quoting this whole book - it's just so amazing to me that all this is so normal... and that I was obviously interviewed for a book and I don't even remember!!!)

She goes on to say: "A second big change is that you're often lonely or disoriented. One day the children are with you and you know who's in charge. Then suddenly they're gone. It's not easy to shift gears to being alone. It's all very well to say you now have time to see your lover or to write a new Broadway play [or to blog?]. But the truth is that when you're used to having the kids around and they leave, it gets lonely."

Ahhh, Judith, Judith... thank you.

Then she wrote the paragraph that when I thought of it this morning on the subway brought me to tears:

"The third change is perhaps the most difficult. Who fuels you as a mother? Who takes care of you when you need to take care of the children? Divorce leaves you stranded."

"

After divorce, when you put the children to bed after a
hectic day and they seem so calm and angelic in their sleep, no one is there to put his arm around you. No one says "You did great." Or, "Sit down, let me get you a drink." So where do you get the courage, energy, love and hopefulness to keep going? The answer is simple and undeniable. It comes from you and no one else. All of your mothering comes from inside you. [Ok. Crying again.] "

And ok - a bit more and then I'll stop -- before Judith tracks me down for copyright infringement. (I'm only doing this out of love Judith! Really!)

Here it comes.... "

Given these incredible challenges, is it any wonder
you sometimes lose your temper? Maybe you even scream or slap on
occasion. In your worst moments, maybe you even feel that you've not done well by your children, that you've failed them or hurt them.

Or is it any wonder that in the rising passion of a love affair you give your lover priority? Sometimes a love affair can trump everything in a person's world. If you temporarily neglect your children, forgive yourself. Despite these lapses you were there when they
needed you."

I feel like I can't really explain this feeling... how she hit the nail on the head absolutely with every feeling or thought I've gone through. When I first started dating I was like "kids? what kids" and felt so guilty. And ok, I don't slap - but I have been known to give a good shriek now and again... Just to have all this normalized. Just to have it written down. So precisely. Wow.

Then she ends with the best part, since I think that if my kids look the wrong way its because of the divorce & I hyper analyze everything they do or say (or what they DON'T do or say.. because that speaks volumes, dontcha know?) She says:

"Lighten up. You would have made mistakes if you
had married Prince Charming or if you had stayed married to Satan. You'll do alot that's right because you love your children. Try to forgive yourself for your real and imagined sins of commission and omission. Try to be a gentler person with yourself. Take pride in the enormity of your accomplishment. Whatever your aspirations, you can't do it all. Give yourself a break from your self-accusations."

Ahhhh..... long, deep sigh.

I'll think I'll read this to myself every night before I go to sleeep

Sorry - this is like the longest post EVER! And the formatting is all whacked....

NY1: Top Stories

NY1: Top Stories

Queens: "Appears to be the Hardest Hit of All the Boroughs."

Phew!

Just when I was starting to get worried... I had one last cry last night & today I've been fine. I decided yesterday to get it all out.

I spoke to J & with a long preface about how I know this isn't logical but this is how I feel (I know -- but I just need the preface. It's like my security preface!) that with what happened with my parents/sister & now his daughter moving in with him & not seeing him as much (although really seeing him quite a bit -- but remember, this is not about logic!) that I'm feeling a bit abandoned.

Then spoke to my mom. She basically felt that I presented them with a fait a'complit (no idea if spelled correctly!) & that's why they jumped all over me. Of course I mentioned that perhaps there might have been a better way to convey that... and she agreed. But then went on to say (again) how they have things to do, how it's difficult to commit to one night, how they're getting older & it's difficult for them during the week....

We debated the point a bit & I don't know if anything was really resolved -- except for her knowing how it really really upset me. I used the "abandoned word again."

Then I (tried to) have a good cry. But you ever notice when you want to go to the bathroom for, like more than 30 seconds your children need to pee more than anything in the world! I went into the bathroom, sat down with the tissue box, started to let 'er rip... and "MOM!! I HAVE TO PEE!! I HAVE TO! RIGHT NOW!!!"

But, I feel better, and I suppose that's what really counts.

Poor poor miserable me...

Today. Again. Miserable and teary. (Note: Started this yesterday. Haven't gotten through today yet!)

I don't think I've ever felt like this. Just sad. Teary and sad. No anxiety, just overwhelming sadness. In analyzing and hyper analyzing it ('cause that's what I do. It's how I like to spend my free time.) I think that J not being able to spend as much time with me because his daughter has moved in with him (as of last week), and the whole "discussion with my parents" (see previous post) -- has left me feeling abandoned. Abandoned and alone. I can't count on my family, and now I won't be seeing him as often...

As I read what I wrote I just feel so.... pathetic. So feeling sorry for myself. But - I can't help it.

I was alone for so long, now I have this great person in my life. I enjoy being with him, I enjoy being with his kids, my kids enjoy being with him, and totally love being with his kids -- plus having him here - in my house - on a normal day with the kids is just amazing. Not feeling that alone-ness. Having that all important extra pair of hands..

And it's where he has to be now. I know that. If he said he was coming over tomorrow I'd say "Don't you think you should stay home? Make sure R feels comfortable there? Gets settled?"

But isn't that just such a large part of life? Learning to negotiate your feelings/needs in relation to others?

It just... well... Ok. It sucks.

And my dad called yesterday to see how the kids' trip to Lake George w?X went. I gave the kids the phone & then hung up right after they're done. I'm angry at him (which could also be part of this feeling I'm feeling) and couldn't talk. Going to have to at some point, I know -- but I also know it will really open up a whole "thing" and not sure I really feel like going there...

It's interesting - my uncle who was with us for dinner Friday night is a psychoanalyst. When we (my parents and I) were arguing & J was attempting to get us to stop ("So, how about those Mets?") they started talking about the virtues of continuing an argument or just moving on. My Uncle said how he felt it's better to continue... and seeing how I'm feeling now ("seeing how I'm feeling now?" See, that's why you read this blog! For the great writing!!) I think he has a point. I'd probably feel much better & more settled if we did.

For now I'm going to have to get through today (it's Tuesday now - started this on Monday) and talk it all out w/my shrink tomorrow...

At least I'm getting my money's worth.

The Crying Game

I had a really great weekend. And I also spent a large part of it crying. NOt happy tears. I"m actually still trying to puzzle it out....



Friday night J and I met my parents to go for Friday night Shabbat services at this synogogue we like: B'nai Jeshururn. Actually my parents' synogogue on Long Island made a field trip to NYC to go to this synogogue. It gets huge crowds & Friday night there was standing room only! It's very different than "your parents' synogogue.." It's dynamic, spiritual, musical and meaningful. Not at all the old service that you feel so detatched from... So they all came & we met my sister & uncle after and all had dinner together.



Oh - some background here: I found out a few weeks ago that they changed the time of the local public school where Max and Nathan will be attending this Fall. Last year the day started at 8 and went until 2:40 -- now breakfast/early drop off is at 8:20 & school day starts @ 8:40 - ends at 3:00 pm. Since I will only have a babysitter part-time starting September (from 2-6) that means I'll be bringing the kids in & then going to work. Before my boss was ok 'cause I'd be in by 9:30 the latest. Now.... So I was pretty panicked about it.



I don't want to work flex time, because that will mean coming home at 7-7:30 each night. I can't live like that. So, I came up with the idea of working one weekend day a month to catch up - or one night late a week. I figured one week my parents, one week my sister and one week J. I mentioned it to my boss & I have to say she's really great. She said not to worry - that she knows how difficult it is - and that we'll work it out.



So, over dinner Friday I tell them my idea. The response came at me rapid fire: "Couldn't you ask your sitter to stay longer?" "We'll pay her to stay longer for you?" "Isn't it time you've found a local sitter?" "Well, your mother and I have the theater group, the synogogue board, this and that, and this and that..." "I have stuff to do!"



So, I did what any normal person would do - I shut down. I said ok. Forget it. Let's move on. I didn't think it was such a big deal - if I did I wouldn't have brought it up at a dinner out.

My Dad looks at me with this totally angry face (you know how parents get those!) and says "I get the feeling that you think we don't do enough for you. Don't help you out. And it upsets me." I'm still shut down and just say "ok. ok. Let's move on." I just couldn't even begin to discuss this. J was there. His daughter. My Uncle.
My sister: "You never want to discuss anything. Never want to talk about it. We want to help - but you never let us."

J whispers to me: "Forget it. R & I will come over. We will stay with the kids. Don't worry."

Yeah, I guess it was that being attacked feeling that kinda made me feel like you weren't really trying to help me -- but figure out a way that you didn't have to do it yourself.

So, we get through dinner. It was fun. We go out & J, his daughter & I walk up to his apartment. J goes "You know, I don't like to get involved.... but.... if those were my parents I'd tell them if they didn't want to help that they couldn't see the kids. It's not about just playing with them -- you need help, too."

And you know - any other time something like this has happened I haven't had a Witness. So I leave feeling all battered & bruised & that it's my fault. Who am I to ask them? They have their lives. They're busy. I'm so needy. Selfish. Inconsiderate.

But now here's J telling me that I'm asking them for a one night a month commitment - and it's no big deal - and they are the ones being selfish.

We get back to his place. I cry.

We go to the beach the next day. I cry.

Sunday I wake up in a bad mood. Later in the day. I cry.

I've been trying to analyze what exactly is so upsetting to me - the anger from my dad? The abandonded feeling? The attacked feeling?

And oh. Come home. Pigeon stuck on balcony.

I need a vacation.

But who would watch the kids?

All joking aside

It's hitting me hard. This whole kids away thing. Like I've been in a fog all day. Like I've been staring, dreamily up at their photos... You'd think they were going away for months.

What am I going to do when their Dad wants to take them to NZ?!? And you know he will - I mean, his family is there & they're gonna all want to see the kids.

I've been in this funk about it, and then I'm talking to this social worker who works at a nearby Skilled Nursing Facility (in patient rehab). She is the social worker there for one of my clients. This client is demented, and has a daughter who has paranoid delusions. It's a really tough case. The daughter has finally begun to trust me - but she is not my client - the mother is. Problem is - the daughter cannot focus long enough to really care enough for the mother. So, I'm trying to step in. To talk to the SW there, find out what's going on, what the discharge plan is, etc... and the SW will not talk to me. HIPPAA. I've spoken to countless social workers at countless hospitals and rehabs - and never ever encountered this.

I kind of came on a wee bit strong & she snapped at me. I hung up and started crying. Just put my head down on the desk and cried. Knowing full well that it wasn't about the mean social worker. (Ok, I know. I came on a wee bit strong...)

So I'm trying to puzzle out why this is all hitting me so much. But meanwhile - it's gonna be a long damn week.

A cavalcade of Feelings

Last night as I was putting the kids to sleep I looked at them and thought "Oh, my boys.... it's going to be so long until I put you to sleep again..." Then I smacked myself on the side of the head. (Maudlin or overdramatic much?)

Yep - kids are going to X's from tonight until Sunday. But I've written that before, haven't I? Can you tell the Overwhelming Thoughts I've been plagued with?!?

It's funny, when X first moved out and had the kids at his place - or even when he first moved out & we weren't even doing the the kids overnight - he'd just come over to be with them & I'd go out for a bit.... I loved it. I craved it! Me time! Alone time! I can go to a movie! I can shop! I can sit and stare into space and nobody will come over and poke me in the eye!! (And yes, when X & I first split it was right at graduation from grad school, the kids were 2 $ 4 & there was considerably more stress and strain in my life - that's for sure.)

But somewhere along the track it's kind of changed.

Don't get me wrong - I love the time to myself -- two weeks of single parenting at a time is enough. We're pretty worn out of each other, honestly. When the kids come back after a weekend away I always notice how we look at each other differently. We all need the break. (Yes, I am recognizing that by the the end of the 2nd week I may have become intolerable to them & they need a break from me, too!) But the fact that he only has them four nights a month is also enough.

But, the fact is - we've become a strong family unit. The three of us. We have our routines, our inside jokes, our "family cuddles" - and we're a threesome. (And for the record I wanted that photo down here, but somehow it ended up there & I'm just too peeved to move it.)

Ok - so let me get to the point. It used to be so cut & dried. X takes the kids & Hurray! Me time! Time with J! Alone! And now.... well.... I miss them. And this isn't just for two nights - it's for FIVE! FIVE NIGHTS! DO YOU REALIZE THAT?!?!?! ALMOST A WEEK!!!!!

Although how psyched am I that I have time to finally get my hair cut!

I'm a Rock Star!!!

So. Guys. Did you all get a load of how many comments I have? Come on. Count them! I'll wait.

Uh huh - at least four, right?!?

Can you see the huge grin on my face? I'm sure if you try, you can imagine it! I tell you guys, if you too want FOUR COMMENTS on your blog (and stat counter says 17 people! 17!!!!!) alls you have to do is comment yourself.

It's a whole new world.

(Cracking myself up.)

Kids are going to X's starting tomorrow. I'm so anxious.... not so happy to think of them being with somebody who wants them to "fear" him. Ugh. Strange to me that they love him. I guess that's pretty common with divorced couples.... I mean - I loved him once, so there has to be something loveable, right? Nathan just said: "When I'm with you I miss Daddy, and when I'm with Daddy I miss you. Why don't you live together?" Just when I think I've explained that for the last time... each time they grow, learn, develop a bit more they ask it again.

Like Sysiphus and the rock. Just keep pushing it up the hill. Or maybe like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day... it will just keep playing, and replaying... "why did you divorce? why are you living in separate homes? why are you so angry at each other?" Ugh.

But wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT!!!! Omigod! I was so excited by the extreme traffic on my blog that I forgot this oh so important tidbit: MY DIVORCE IS FINAL. I am single. I can go back to my maiden name. I am truly solo. Honestly, it's a strange kind of feeling....

Funny thing, though - my mom congratulated me & sounded really happy. I guess as parents they have really mixed feelings about it... wanting me to be safe, happy, loved - and feeling that families should stay together no matter what. BUT, when I told them bits & pieces of how X treated me... and while they don't know that it's "emotional abuse" they're starting to have an inkling...

Chapter 65 done. Many more yet to come.

Gee, could this post have been MORE all over the place?!?

Grass Tennis Courts - Notebook - New York Times

Grass Tennis Courts - Notebook - New York Times

Where Max takes lessons..... although he doesn't play on the grass courts.

It's beginning...

So X called tonight to speak with the kids. He spoke with Max then asked to speak to me. He said: "You know, if he ever gets out of line; if you ever have any trouble disciplining him -- call me. I'll come over. I want him to fear me."

I know. I tell you stuff he says & it's like reading a bad novel!

I said "oh no - that's OK. We'll manage."

He then goes on to say stuff like Max is out of control. Think of how he'll be when he's 15, we have to get him into shape now..... etc, etc, etc. Then he says "We won't have any trouble with Nathan. He's the good one."

................

He's the "good one?" WTF?!?!? So I said that's great. It's so great that you're already labeling your children & deciding how they will be when they haven't even reached the age of TEN YET! (And I have to say - Max is totally full of beans, rambunctious, mischevious, loud, brash, active, and totally tests the limits of my patience and then some. But he is in no way, shape or form "bad.")

He's sounding all concerned... that there will be trouble down the pike, that Max just does not listen, that he belches, that he doesn't say his pleases and his thank-yous....

He says - you know, when Max misbehaves here I tell him to stop - that if he continues I will call you. That stops him. It gets him embarrassed and he stops.

"And you feel it's OK for a grown-up to embarrass a seven year old?"

I actually, honestly, did not know what to say. I kept silent for most of the conversation because I just could not believe it was happening. He has no concept. He bought Max Harry Potter - and told him if he reads the whole thing he'll give him 12 Pokemon cards. Max opens it: "There are no pictures!" It's a book for grades 3 - 12. He's going into 2nd. Now this.

When he & I were together it was the same thing. He would tell me: "Women should not walk, they should glide..." Like some sort of warped Victorian idea of how women should be. And how there were these women who could do absolutely everything. Perfectly. And oho - they were out there! But he could never really point one out to me...

And now it's coming over to my kids. Everybody has to be perfect. And not only perfect - but his warped, not realistic version of perfect.

I hung up and just felt so sad. That their father thinks of them like that. What I'm hoping is that my kids have a stronger sense of self than I did (and it seems like Max already does) so that they will just tell him to be quiet and leave them alone.

Sure do hope so.

Mommy Is Truly Dearest - New York Times

Mommy Is Truly Dearest - New York Times

Close or emeshed? You decide!

Last night

J was over last night.

Normally, when I put the kids to sleep I stay in their room until Nathan is asleep, and Max is very nearly asleep. But when J's there I skip out a bit earlier.

Last night, as I was skipping out, Max said something. I didn't hear what he said & asked him to repeat. First he said "forget it." Then he said - "ok, I'll tell you: Sometimes I think you love J more than you love me."

............

I went over & sat down on his bed. I told him how very proud I was of him for telling me. How wonderful it was. How it's sometimes difficult to talk about feelings... but it's important for me to know.

Then I told him how I had so much love - enough to love all of them the same.

And I said - you know, there hasn't been a grown up around here for a while & he goes "Yeah, yeah, I know - the divorce..." in his best teenage voice. (He's only 7! When did this happen?!) And I said yes, because of that. So sometimes I like to spend time with other grown-ups -- but it does not mean I don't like spending time with you. And you're getting older - you can really go to sleep on your own.

Then he totally called me on something: "But mom - sometimes when you leave you say you're going to check something, or go to the bathroom -- and I think you're going to come back -- and then I peek out and you're with J."

...............

So, I did what any respectable grown-up should do. I appologized. I said he was right. I should tell him that I"m going to see J. And that I won't do that again.

Kids.

Work stuff (2)

I posted this over there, too.

Today at work I have spoken to one client's brother and another client's daughter. Both clients need care at home.. almost desperately. And both the brother and the daughter were.... well... less than agreeable.

No. That's too strong. I think they want to help -- but they're caught in their own messes... finances, illnesses, family stuff.... and it's so hard.

You know, you only get homecare through insurance when you're sick. And if you have managed care you might get 2 hours every other day for two weeks. Not really so much for 1) a person who is blind and also has neuropathy in her hands and feet - so can't feel (read braile, dial phone) or walk (needs to use walker - but can't because can't see....) or 2) person with parkinsons who had a fall and has bruised coxyx and fractured pelvis. Is in severe pain now & on vicodan. Is incontinent - needs diaper changed. No. Not so much at all.

And still - what are these family members obliged to do? Do they say - I will help at whatever cost? What about their immediate families? What if they never got along with my clients. What if my client was a mean, abusive parent?

It's horribly frustrating for me - in the position of needing/wanting to help these clients & their choices are so few. The two hours through medical insurance that will stop in about a month. Medicaid. To go on medicaid you have to "spend down" (meaning use up) all your money & live on next to nothing. Or hire an attorney to help you "hide" it. But for the middle classes... that's not an option. Private Hire. Private hire homecare starts at $10/hour. TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR. And that's cheap. It goes up to $17... $20... Who can afford that? Not an option for middle classes, either. I have a client who has a live-in for $200/day. She cooks, cleans, does everything - and sleeps on a cot in his living room - a room with a window without any shades.

I hate this bloody system. I hate how our old and infirm are just tossed out there - and how only the very rich or the very poor are able to access services.

It's like banging my head on the wall.

This is what's going on

It's not a lot, but in my world.... it's actually kinda big. For me.

Saturday J had a graduation party for his daughter. For a host of reasons I could not go. But I felt badly. Honestly.... this little wee part of me felt a little left out. But I understood the reason why.

The kids and I spent the day out on Fire Island - visiting friends of ours who have a house out there. It was a wonderful, fun, relaxing day! But when I came home not an email, not a message, not a text from J. All day. And, I have to admit, I felt even more left out.

Now by this time you know there's the Logical Amy and the.... Neurotic Amy. Like most people. Logical me knew he was busy, that he thought of me, whatever... but the Neurotic one felt very, very sad.

So here's the big part, guys (you were waiting for it - I know!). I told him. Not such a big deal, but somehow it was. I thought - I went through an awful relationship where I kept pretty much everything inside. When I was upset I'd rationalize it, I'd think - it's not so important, or I'll get over it, or just deal with it - why stir things up.... And I thought I am not going to do that this time. I thought - (and this is what I need to start to feel) that I'm important too. I need to stand up for myself.

Told ya this was big. (My shrink's gonna be so proud!)

And you know, I have this thing where I feel like I get upset too easily. That I'm too picky, too sensitive, whatever - so that's another reason why lots of times I don't say anything. But this time I thought - I'm STILL going to say something. If I am being too picky, too sensitive.. let him tell me. Let us talk about it. Work it out. Let me get calibrated.

And I hate feeling this needy. Insecure. And it's the neurotic Amy -- not the Logical one. My shrink says it's normal after being in such a bad relationship -- to want/crave/need more from this one. She said it will even out. So it was good to have that normalized. (Just when I start to think I'm really really neurotic!) And I'm not that bad - not like I'm stalking him or anything! Lurking outside his apartment.... wearing dark glasses around his office.... Nah. More just feelings. That I'll get through.

So, with a fairly sizable preface & explanation -- I told him. We talked about it -and the reasons were exactly what I thought. And it was all good.

Let's tease this one out

Now, I'm a sibling. I'm the oldest sibling. I have a younger sister and a younger brother. But I'll be DAMNED if I remember teasing them the way my kids tease each other. It's crazy!

(Yes, that's one's hand over the other's face.)

For example: They both still pee in bed. One is five, the other is seven, they're both boys - so I'm anticipating (unfortunately) that this will not stop any time soon. Whatever. But one morning Nathan runs over and goes to me: "Max peed in bed. I didn't." Then runs over to Max "Ha-ha Max, you peed. I didn't!"

What's the point?

Or yesterday at the shoe store. "Nathan, you're going to get the DORA shoes! Mommy said she's going to get you the DORA shoes. You're a GIRL!" (The horror!) WHich leads to Nathan crying: "Max says I"m going to get the girly shoes! I don't want to get the girl shoes!"

I just stand there. Incredulous. "Do you want the girl shoes?" "No." "Then why does Max saying it make it happen?" And yes, I know - what was I thinking? How/why could I possibly think that logic would prevail?

And this is constant. The poking, the prodding, the running to be first. Always first. Then announcing it. Then pronouncing the other "loser." Or purposely sitting in the other's seat - with a hint of a smile....

But, what gets me through it is I know they really love each other. THey look out for each other, they play with each other, they care for each other in very very obvious ways...

I try. I really really try to ignore it. But damn.

And I wouold like to use this moment to mention how bloody annoying Blogger photos upload is!!

Win Nick's Life

Check out this ad for Steinlager Beer - it's hysterical!!

Steinlager

Tricks are for Kids!

I have a cold. Not dreadful, but pretty annoying. The last time I took cold medication I literally felt like I was on another planet. It was awful. The no drowsiness ones make me crazy, and the others, well... zzzzzzzzzzz

But! Today, sports fans - I took children's cold medicine!! And it worked! My nose is no longer stuffed and I'm not crazy. (Well, not any more crazy than usual...)

I am SO psyched. Just had to share. Because I care. Because I can breathe, baby! I can breathe!!

131 - US States Renamed For Countries With Similar GDPs « strange maps

131 - US States Renamed For Countries With Similar GDPs « strange maps

Good for Him!

So, remember how I wrote over here about how Max and X had "words" while we were out for lunch the other day? Well, I had been thinking about it quite a bit the fact that they were both being so stubborn, and how Max was totally butting heads with X.

So, I mentioned it to my shrink & you know what she said? She said "Good for him!" He is standing up for himself. He has a strong sense of self and will not let himself be pushed around. By anyone. He will not lose himself with his father, like you did... you lost yourself. You did a really good job with him."

So, you know... hearing that... so many things to think about in that one statement. (Shrinks are good for that, aren't they? Guess you have to feel like you're getting your money's worth...)

So 1) Losing myself. I guess I did. I remember about a year after X moved out, when I was going out w/EX and I was walking down the street & all of a sudden actually felt lighter. I felt good. And I realized my smile was different. It was easier. Also, lighter. ANd I knew - it was like a physical reaction - that I was back again. Strange how the body and mind are so connected... but it really was an actual feeling of just being lighter. (And no - not because of the weight I lost! I"m not that shallow!!)

2) Max with strong sense of himself & standing up for himself. You know, I think both my boys do. They both advocate for themselves - and for each other. I really know when they are at school, camp, classes, whatever - that they will NOT do what they don't want, and they will speak up.

3) Me doing a good job. Well, honestly, as I've mentioned before -- I really CANNOT hear that enough. It's just the bestbestbestybestbest thing to hear.

Now go get 'em. Max!

So I'm just thinking...

I was thinking about what I wrote in my last post... and about staying with a husband/wife if they become mentally ill. Now, I'm not saying that X was mentally ill - but I'm certain he has some diagnosable personality disorders.

And I suppose it depends on what the illness is.... but let's say the person has severe and persistent depression -- that is very very difficult to live with. Not to mention what it might do to the children. Is that more of an impact? A different impact than being physically ill and undergoing surgeries and treatments?

I mean - I don't know... just kinda thinking out loud - and probably there's no set answer, but on a case by case situation..... But when I was in that, I felt that I needed to stay - to help him - because we were married... and where does that responsibilty begin/end?

Am I really one of them?

I'm going to begin this post by saying I'm not sure if I'm going to post it or not. I have lots of stuff swirling around in my mind... and I'm thinking that maybe writing it out will help - in the cathartic way writing things out does help & also to just get it out, look at it, & think about it.

So. Ok. The other night I had another PTSD experience. J was over, something happened that was really pretty minor... I got through it - or so I thought - and fell asleep. Then woke up at about 3:00 am, remembered what happened & then started almost hyperventilating and then just... well... sobbing. It was strange. I mean, when I cry now it's not like this. Not this sobsobsobbing. You know, pass me the tissue box sobbing.

And I'm pretty sure I know what it was from. What happened with J reminded me about something that used to happen with X. Stuff that wasn't very nice. Stuff that I can't even bring myself to write about here - because to write it out would really be the final step - to really really talk about what an absolute bastard he was. Mean stuff. Stuff that just makes you feel really really small.

So while I knew that this is what happened with X & that it would never ever ever happen with J - I got scared. Scared that maybe it would. And I was sad. So, so sad. So sad that I had been in that situation. That these things happened to me. That I did not extricate myself from it. That I allowed it to continue. That I did not even say anything to X - just took it and tried to rationalize it away. (He's stressed, He's depressed, Things will be better once X, Y or Z happens....)

J woke up, comforted me and we talked about it. (You know, I don't think X ever comforted me. I don't think he knew how. He used to say that women used crying as a form of manipulation.) I told J about what I can't bring myself to write here. But it's good that I *can* talk about it with him. Very good.

The feelings were so strong that night -- that I even had a sort of hang over from them the next day. My brain was fuzz. It was overwhelming. The convergence of the past with the present & coming to terms with all of it.

So today I went to my shrink. And she was like.... 'Well, that's pretty normal.... you really went through a lot, etc. etc. etc... emotional abuse, blah, blah, blah." And while I might have tossed that term around when thinking/talking about my relationship with X -- it was just a term to be tossed. I never really thought about it. Emotional Abuse.

Shrink asked if I had ever talked to anybody about the things that happened with X - when it was happening, and I realized that I didn't. I wasn't seeing a therapist then... and honestly -- how many people can you tell that your husband says things like: "Well, I don't want to go to that pizza store tonight - the girl who works there is cute & I'm ashamed to be seen with you -- looking like that...."?

Uh huh. He did. And no, I didn't slug him, or yell at him, or anything. I just kind of went quiet. Telling myself: "It's not true. You know it's not true. It's just his "stuff" that he's working out... and once he works it out it will be better -- you just have to get through this... being married means you deal with the good and the bad" And, when things got worse I'd always think: "Ok, you're married - if somebody is physically ill you wouldn't leave them -- so do you leave if somebody is mentally ill? Aren't *I* the one who is suppposed to stick with him? Who else will, and isn't this what it's all about?"

Butcha know - you can't live in an environment like that & not have it impact you. And that's what is happening now. What I supressed before. What I didn't talk about before. What I kept in before, feeling like that was being strong -handling it. Is now coming out because I really am strong - and able to talk about it. Deal with it. It is making its way out now. I guess feelings are like water... they seek their own level & will just kinda worm their way through...

I asked the shrink if it will ever stop & she said the more I talk about it, the more it will dissipate... and go away.

But also, what I've been thinking about is the whole "Emotional Abuse" label. You don't like to think of yourself as "one of those." Or, ok - maybe I don't. I don't like to think of myself as an "abused woman." I'm tough - I talk back. I'm from a close family; a psychologically helathy family (whatever that means, but relative to others... yes!). I know what's what, I know the proper way for a woman to be treated... I was in social work school, for crying out loud! A social worker!

But... errr... the way I was treated was no way for anybody to be treated. And if you think of how I never would tell anybody what he said - or did (and no - he was never ever physical although he did fly into rages... and there was always the threat of violence... he never did.), and his father abused his mother.... (and that's really something that does pass from father to son).

It's such a strange, strange feeling to... I guess acknowlege this. Can I really label myself an "abused woman?" (And for some reason I keep hearing that Senator @ the Anita Hill Hearings: "Are you a scorned woman, Ms. Hill?") I could be one of those commercials: "YES - it DOES happen here!"

But, you know, on the flip side - my shrink constantly marvels about J. The fact that I am not repeating the pattern - and how I am with somebody who is pretty much the polar opposite of X. It's almost to the point that she just doesn't get it. These things don't happen! There are RULES to be followed!

Good to know, though, that I'm in the right place now.

Check this out

Sooooo funny! (And for some reason it won't let me embed the link...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY

Mo. man burns books as act of protest - Yahoo! News

Mo. man burns books as act of protest - Yahoo! News

Oh my. So sad on so many levels...

Ok, so it's all ok

Ok?


You know, I use this blog (and the other blog) to do a lot of complaining and venting. And lately (ok, maybe mostly, maybe mostly always) it's been about X. Butcha know, I've been thinking.....

I've been going to this new shrink. My old one was very Freudian. Did not talk. This one talks -- and I'm finding I like the talking. It gives me a window into the things I have going RIGHT in my life... how I'm actually pretty ok. And yes, probably the silent shrink helped me well along to my place of relative ok-ness.... but now this is good, too.

I was telling her about X & his girlfriend, and me and J & she said "you know, you're very lucky - very often girlfriends or step parents can not like the kids. Or be jealous." Hmmm, I thought. Yes, I suppose I'm very lucky about that. We're all pretty ok. Yesterday X and his girlfriend came to the boys little league game. It wasn't their weekend to have the kids and X (yes, X!!!) got up early and got there! And ok, I could have done without it... but it was so great for the kids!

And then Shrink told me how it was so great how the kids were so willing to accept J and X's girlfriend. How they were so comfortable with them, showing affection to them. She said "They must have been raised with a lot of love and security -- so that they are so willing to show it to others, and have no fear that it won't be returned." Do you know HOW GOOD that made me feel?!? You get so bogged down - especially with this whole divorce thing - with wondering if you're doing the right things.... kids are ok.... etc, etc.... And ok - you get report cards, you see them for yourself... but you know the parental eye is only SO unbiased....

Then yesterday we were at a pool club with J's family (his parents, sister, neices...) and my kids were so comfortable with them - Max running over to J's parents to tell them what he just did in the pool. And I saw it again. You know, the biggest thing "they" say that can happen to kids post-divorce is that they feel it's their fault. They become reserved. Guilty.

Ahhhh, it just felt so good.

Let's get Physical

So, I had the day off yesterday and went for my yearly physical. I am totally (knock on wood) healthy, although I did have a few issues I wanted to talk to the Dr. about. I've actually gone to this doctor more than once -- which is strange in this day and age of changing insurance coverage... But - I really like her and oh - she doesn't take insurance. Yep. She decided that she would rather be able to spend time with her patients & not be within the constraints imposed by insurance. My insurance does take out of network though - so I guess it's ok. (Even though I probably won't meet my deductible. But whatever.)

So ANYHOW.

I told her how I've been getting these migraines right around mid menstrual cycle & near the end - and how I've been getting these strange heart palpitations. I said I didn't know if these were stress related, or just a new wonderful, fun thing my body was now doing. (That whole getting older, peri-menapausal thing. Nice to think about, I know.)

So, she asked me about PMS - and I said sometimes I feel it for about two weeks out of each month... moody, tired, moody, cranky, moody.... So, she recommended these calcium suplements. THEN she goes on to say how prozac is really good for PMS. PROZAC!!!

I was like - I have PMS, but I'm not one of those people who go over the edge.... just a bit more "sensitive" than usual.

But she kept bringing it up. "Why lose two weeks out of a month?" and "You don't wnat to take your moods out on your kids..." She actually made it seem really good... I mean, imagine.... being PMS free? It really WOULD make a difference in my life. Except that I think I think of this as PART of my life. It's what happens to my mind/body. Is that wrong? I mean, I would be the first to tell somebody that if something is going on in your mind/body that you don't like - then give yourself some relief and fix it! So I don't know. Gonna try the mega vitamin stuff & see how that works.... Prozac!!

Then we talked about weight. Just that morning I tried on summer clothes. Ugh! Nothing was fitting! (Ok, i'm in the midst of..... PMS.... but still!) So I was feeling mighty tubby. I gained five pounds from last year. BUT - she told me I'm right in my weight range! That I have a perfect BMI (Body Mass Index) and that I Don't. Need. To. Lose.

What? Is she crazy? I mean really.

(This is after a week of trying Slim Fast and making myself crazy by having fantasies of inhaling boxes of crackers...)

I am 5'2 and currently weigh 118. ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN POUNDS! So, we discussed it for a bit & she said she wouldn't recommend me going below 110. Then she says "And you know how difficult it is for somebody of your weight to lose just a little bit." Yes. I know. Thank you for reminding me.

Then I got to thinking.... am I falling into this whole body image crap thing? I mean, if my doctor is telling me I'm fine & I do not need to lose -- why am I killing myself like this? Because really, shouldn't you just want to be a certain weight for health reasons? And as long as you're healthy... then just go on your merry way? Just wear the clothes that fit you for that weight?

Or should you want to feel really good in those low rise jeans and t-shirt?

Shit man. I wanna feel GOOD!

And the best tourists in the world are... | Oddly Enough | Reuters

And the best tourists in the world are... Oddly Enough Reuters

Tune in this week...

For another episode of the TV Movie of the Week. Because that's what my life is starting to feel like.

Max had a little league game yesterday at 6:30 pm. J met us there. And, surprise surprise - so did X. And his girlfriend. All of us. Sitting on the bleacher. Watching the game.

And honestly, it was really really ok... but the whole time I just couldn't help but feel like I was something out of a tv movie of the week. Or an after school special. Like: This is my life now. I'm a single mom, with a boyfriend and an Ex husband... who has a girlfriend.... and there we all are, as happy as pie....

This sort of stuff doesn't happen to me. This sort of stuff happens to other people.

I grew up in such a "Happy Family". Did I ever, in a hundred thousand million years think that I'd be leaning over my boyfriend, who was sitting next to me, to talk to my X about our son? I thought I'd always be with X. But then, so does every currently divorced, or soon to be divorced person. You (hopefully) would not marry them otherwise.

So it was just so... surreal.

Butcha know - he STILL won't pick up the scooters!

There's Nothing really to say.

Blue Drinks?

Tonsil Boy

Nope. Don't think there's any strep left in there.... But thanks for the view.

Yankees Game

We went to see the Yankees play the Texas Rangers (Yankees lostlostlost) but it was fun anyhow!

We went with J and his daughter. It was a bit of a long day for Nathan, but there were enough people and things there to keep him busy. Also, I bought each of the boys a Yankees hat and one "toy" so that kept them entertained for a while... I mean, how could you not go to a First Baseball Game and not buy stuff?!?

Ok. Well I couldn't.

And what is up with this formatting? How do I fix it? This is highly distressing.

And To Make Matters WORSE

I just found my first gray hair!!!!!

This is it now, folkes. The beginning of the end. And just think, you were here right when it started, and you can now say "Oh yes, I knew her when she was young..." Or "Yeah, she's not really aging very well."

Or even "Man, those old people really get grumpy!"



*Omigod, I really can't believe it! It was right there! Right in the front! As gray as the old gray goose -- who also ain't what she used to be.....

It's happening.

I'm getting old.

I know, I know... it happens. Heck, I work with senior citizens - of course I know it happens! But shhhhh...... it's something that happens to other people! Not me!!

I've been very lucky - I look young, no grey hairs, no wrinkles (to speak of. Well, I don't check ok?!?!) etc. And ok, so in the last year or so my eyesight has been going. Like I can't see at all when my eyes are tired, or there's dim lighting. And my eyesight has always been perfectly perfect.

But now this is something else.

I went to the Dr a week or so ago (my OB) and then yesterday I had an ultra sound. I had been having these pains in what I felt to be my right ovary. First I thought it was just ovulation pains... but then it just didn't go away. So, I did what any normal person would do. I freaked out. I caled my ob & went in for her to take a look.

She found nothing, but sent me for the ultra sound (yesterday). The ultra sound also found nothing.

So I asked them: "ok, there's nothing - so what is causing the pain? How can there be pain and be nothing there?!?!" Their response is: "sometimes there's just pain."

Then it dawned on me: This is Old People's Pain! When you get older you just start having these pains... and now I have one, too! (and I've been trying to hold this back - but you know that this pain is of course in addition to the two pains who are oftentimes my children! Hee, hee, hee! Ok. I said it.)

Then something else happened. When I was in the ultra sound room I told the technician how I used to come there when I was pregnant w/the kids. She asked how long ago & I was like "oh, 7 and 5 years ago..." She goes "oh, I bet the technology has changed a lot since then." Since Then?!?!? What are you talking about?!? My kids are young!! This wasn't a long time ago! It was yesterday!!!!

And again. I felt old. I'm a "since then." I was pregnant seven friggin' years ago - which never seemed like a long time... but now it's "since then" and new technologies have come up and my pregnancy was ages and ages ago... and.... and... time is passing....ergo I am....Old.

It was a very eventful ultra-sound.

But it's not like mine!!

So, those of you who have been regular readers (2 of you?) have probably picked up that I've picked up that I was probably never in love with X. I don't know what it was. I thought it was love. And perhaps he loved me in his own warped kinda way... but feeling what I feel now - with J - I sure as shit never felt that with X. Never. Not even once.

So, this is what I've been noticing now, about me. Even though J and I have been going out for more than a year already -- so it's not like this is still shiney sparkely new - I feel like I have to talk about it All The Time. All the time. And talk about him. To everybody.

And ok, I feel like it. I don't do it. I'm not stupid. I don't want to alienate all my friends and relations. Although I suppose this is better than dealing with me venting about X. Constantly.

But I also find myself... when I'm telling people about this... and thinking about their relationships... I'm thinking... "Yes, but you don't love him as much as I love J. You don't REALLY know what I mean. Yours is not the same!"

And Omigod!! When I catch myself thinking those things I give myself a virtual slap! "Sotp it! You're becoming a silly mooning kid! This is what it is and this is what most people have! Stop being such a self-centered git!"

But still. It's kinda cool. And you probably know what I mean.

It Wasn't Me!

I went with Max's 1st grade class on a school trip to the Queens Botanic Garden. It was lots of fun, and the first time I have ever accompanied either of my children on a trip. He asked me, so I called in sick... So, imagine the pride, just welling up inside, when one of the guildes said to a group of kids: "NO! We NEVER write on the hot house white wash! That lets in the sun and kills the plants!"

Right.

You know, if you are going to do something like that..... draw a smiley, draw a peace sign, write "First Grade Sux!" But your name?!

RecipeSource: Spam Hashbrown Bake

RecipeSource: Spam Hashbrown Bake

Yum. And so healthy, too!

Captain America Arrested With Burrito In Pants - News Story - WFTV Orlando

Captain America Arrested With Burrito In Pants - News Story - WFTV Orlando

My Sea Legs

I had to go uptown today for a meeting. Now, I'm all, all, all the way downtown so when I say uptown it's most people's midtown. (Ok, maybe some other peoples' downtown, but not get too confusing, shall we?)

ANYHOW, the meeting was right by Bryant Park - in the East 40's. Which was nice, nice day, etc, etc.... But the meeting let out right around lunch time and there were SO friggin many people!!

I mean, I've lived and worked in New York City for a long, long time... but my job before here was up at Columbia University... so not a lot of people there.... And where I work now is, like I said, so far downtown, very residential. Granted, it's very close to Chinatown... which I tend to avoid. Why? Because it's so CROWDED. And, I must add, when I come in on the weekends I avoid the crowded turist-y spots & all the people I visit live in residential areas... so not too crowded. I just have been far, far, far from the maddening crowds.

So, I was a bit freaked out today. I would walk at the regular fast clip, but when I wanted to look in a store window -- the stopping and getting OVER to that window? Can you say "Annoyed about 50 people?" Is there some way to do that that I've just forgotten? I felt like such a .... a.... (I can't say it) a.... tourist! (Cue scary music!)

I'm going to have to take field trips up there at least once a week & get my NYC legs back!

Va. Tech gunman writings raised concerns - Yahoo! News

Va. Tech gunman writings raised concerns - Yahoo! News

You know, you read this article and all I cancan see that the gunman was a disturbed....kid. A kid. And yet he was allowed to get a gun - not a hunting rifle - a gun. A gun that you don't need to stop to re-load, but that keeps firing.

You know the"college years" are typically when most people have psychic breaks. Especially boys. Here we have one of those - and he was allowed to buy a gun.

I really hope they don't start demonizing him, and loose focus of the fact that it is our horrible gun laws that did this.

And yes, I should be working now.

Well put

I love Gwen Ifill

what happened to...

upper case letters? Have you guys read this blog? Honestly, I've read many, many blogs - and perhaps I had higher expectatinos for this one... but they were most definitely too high.

Kurt Vonnegut, Counterculture’s Novelist, Dies - New York Times

Kurt Vonnegut, Counterculture’s Novelist, Dies - New York Times

The Week That Was (Part 2)

You can see a pattern to this, right? I start off first thing in the morning, then the next post is at night? Well, if you don't see it - that's the pattern.

Ok. Next.

So I wrote about the first night over on Xanga (think the link's listed on the sidebar, for all you interested people. Two of you.) now's the one you've all been waiting for! Come on, don't be shy! YOu know!! Meeting J's parents!! The seder at his sister's house!!

So I was pretty, kinda, sorta, a little... errr... nervous. He picked us up at my parents' house, I had a backpack packed with everything my kids could ever want in the span of a four hour dinner, and the giant box of handmade matzah.

And, you know what, guys - this is really going to be a very boring post. It was totally cool. Totally relaxed. Totally normal. My kids could NOT have been better (ok, except for Nathan's constant fake burping & "excuse me's" but people thought it was cute... so it passed. Once they get to know him, they might not really think so - but it's the honeymoon period.)

His parents are very nice, all the people there were very nice - we all felt very comfortable. Nathan got right into it & to my extreme embarassment had no qualms about adressing J's father by his first name.

The honeymoon period.

AND - the topping on the Kosher for Passover Cake - at the end of the night J's mom told me that she "approved!" I passed!!!

He's number one!

Can you believe it?! He actually got that number....