A True Test

So, you know, I wrote over here about my relationship with J - and how amazing it all is.. and how lucky I am... but this past weekend I had cause to think about another (wonderful) aspect of it.

I am going through a divorce - he is going through a divorce. I have an annoying X - he has an annoying X. I have kids and all the issues that surround them - he has kids and all the issues that surround them. I work he works. And we both, unfortunately, just have those darn issues that come up just as a matter of.... well... life.

So, what I'm getting at is - this is not really the best juncture in our lives. Not the calmest. Not the most settled. (And not that any time is, but you get what I mean.)

And through that all we are starting a relationship and I'd say a pretty successful one, at that.

And you know, when I was with X -- I would always be waiting for "the good times". I'd say to myself "ok, things aren't so great now, but when this settles down, or that settles down...X will settle down and things will be ok." And they were. We had some good times, but then those times were when all the planets aligned, there was ample money in the bank, and all the birds sang in harmony. There were brief pockets of time when things were ok - but then you have kids, you lose jobs, etc, etc, etc... and then they were not ok.

So here we are, J and I, when things are not so ok in our lives - but we're doing ok. We're probably getting to know each other at the most stressed out points in our lives... and it's ok. We're going through it as partners - a team - dealing with the issues, helping each other deal with the issues, and knowing that this too will pass. And when it passes - things will be ok. Calm. But, we already know that if life steps in -- we can really handle it.

It's just good to know.

Zep

What do you guys know about Zep?

Not so much, I bet. Probably because it's an industrial strength cleaner. Used for big spaces. Probably not, I would think, in little New York City apartments... right? Read what it says here - scary stuff.

Brought to you by the Anti-Zep patrol.

You all Do realize that this post is really just a private joke and I have not totally lost my mind.

One more thing

Just because I'm totally behind schedule this morning, anyhow.... Have you guys noticed that this post I did way back in May has become some sort of community sounding board?

It's the one I wrote about that scam I found on Craigslist & apparently that post comes up on peoples' searches when they try to find out about the company. It's a real traffic generator! I recomend all you bloggy types to just put abfimport.com on your blog. It'll work wonders!

So, let's see....

It feels like it's been such a long time since I posted here... and I've actually had lots to post.. just not the will to sit and do it.

Last week was a bit of a milestone for me - I cooked! Yes, I cooked. Made spinach lasagna. I haven't cooked that much in the past.. oh... 6 years because 1) two little kids, 2) back in school, 3) two little kids on my own, 4) just too darn tired, 5) kids never eat what I make, anyhow & too difficult to cook for just one.

But now J has been coming over & it gets too expensive to always get prepared food - and can't always serve him spaghetti & sauce from a jar!

And before I go on, I should explain that I consider "cooking" when you have to actually measure stuff. I make a salsa chicken - but that's just chicken, dumping a can of beans on it, jumping a jar of salsa on it, and bonging it in the oven. I don't really feel like that qualifies as "cooking."

So, since J is nearly a vegetarian, and since I have these lasagna noodles (the ready to cook ones) I figured spinach lasagna. DId a search on line & finally found one that used the no boil noodles & had reasonable ingredients. Neglected to read the whole recipe though.

Decided to make it Tuesday, since he was coming over Wednesday. I start taking out all the stuff & see this on the recipe "Put all ingredients in a cuisinart and chop." Huh? More equipment?!? I only have the mini-chop & so got out the blender.

Max came over and wanted to help... and it was actually really great. Again made me realize (feel guilty) how I need to really focus on them more when I get home. So many nights when I'm home he's running around causing mischief... but here he was, sitting with me, active, involved, calm...

We got out the blender (after digging it out from under about 7 years worth of stuff) and put in ingredients. I pushed the button. "Mom, what's that smell?" Took my hand off the button, sniffed around the kitchen... "I don't know... I don't smell anything." Pushed down the button again. "MOM - what's that smell!?!?" Hmmmm... seems to be coming from the blender.... Well, there's no smoke so lets just finish up.

I figure it was just complaining from lack of use. Right? Say right.

So, I/we finished. It was ok... J said he liked it. It was spinach, fat free ricotta, fat free mozarella.... so darn healthy & I think needed a little "kick." But certainly edible.

Stay tuned for more reports from "My Kitchen".

Yeah. Right.

John Tierney: The Voices in My Head Say ‘Buy It!’ Why Argue? - Science Times Columnist - The New York Times - New York Times

John Tierney: The Voices in My Head Say ‘Buy It!’ Why Argue? - Science Times Columnist - The New York Times - New York Times

Aha!!

What a loooong week!

I don't know, guys, doesn't it feel like this week is just dragging on.... I keep thinking tomorrow is Friday - and it's not!!!

Yesterday I went to meet with the "review attorney" the one who I reviews the divorce agreement X and I worked out with our mediator. She is out outside eyes.

I didn't realize it, but I must have been really, really nervous about seeing her - which I think also played into my mood on Monday. When I left her office I just felt such a huge surge (hmm, where have I heard that word before?) of relief!

But, I'm sure you're curious! What did she say, what did she say?!? Well, I'll tell ya'. She said it looked like a good agreement. The one thing that she said she felt I should try to change was that we would split college costs 50-50 -- she felt it should be pro-rata.

She also said that "add-ons" like extra curriculars, child care while the mother works, and summer camp would actually be mandated pro-rata if we did this through the court. I knew that about child care, did not know that about the others.

X had said he would pay pro-rata child care - but put a cap on it. So if I wanted to pay a sitter more than $10 an hour I'd be paying the extra.

She also said that any court would make him pay his pro-rata share of Hebrew School/Religious Education. She said the court always sees value in that. When I explained X's... issues.. with Hebrew School (and this really has nothing to do with his religion - I know Jewish people who do not like to send their kids to Hebrew School for the same reasons as X). She told me that it would probably cost about $20,000.00 if I wanted to take him to court for it. Ummm, no thanks.

Also, honestly, I just can't fight him over this one.

So, she's going to ask/tell his attorney that I would like him to pay full pro-rata for child care & also camp & extra currics & we'll see what happens. Hopefully his attorney will say "well, if you went to court you'd have to..." and he'll give. If not, it's still definitely liveable.

But you know, I was just so glad that she didn't tell me that the agreement was crap. That she didn't say something like: "What the heck is the matter with you?!? You let him get away with so much!" I've become so unsure of everything... people are all like "get as much as you can, get as much as you can" and I'm stuck feeling like 1) I need to get enough for the children; 2) if I bankrupt this man, or he's not living in the style that he feels he should - then he will, quite honestly, make my life a living hell.

Which is worse?

Throughout this whole process (it feels like) not one person has said to me "Amy, you know what you're doing." Or, "Yes, that was a good decision." More like they're all kinda thinking.... she's too nice, she's too wimpy, she's gonna give in.

And I did - but that's also called negotiation. He did, too.

So anyhow, I felt good that she said that. Really good.

Today I called my parents to tell them about it. Spoke to my mom, the last of the red hot buzz kills. "Oh. She said that?" "Well, what about this? And is he paying for this? And shouldn't he pay more for that?" And I know, I know, I know she just wants whats best. But doesn't she know that all I want is for her to say something like: "That's great. Good job. YOu worked long and hard at getting this agreement done & you must feel good that the attorney said that."

In the end when she realized I was getting a wee bit annoyed she said something like "Well, if you believe that attorney, then I guess that's good." Ugh. And I suppose I have to believe her. I hired her. I have to put my trust in one person, don't I? I mean what? Should I keep looking for attorneys until I get to one who says: "you need to get more, more, more from him?" Then will that be the right one? The one to believe?

I liked this woman. Got a good vibe from her. And honestly, our agreement is not high finance. She even intimated..."well, the numbers involved are not very high..." We have no car, no house, not so many assets (damn that graduate school that sucked them up!) so for her to look through that agreement and see what's what was not so tough.

Also, I did an in detail budget for her & she saw what I needed.

Listen (ok, look!) at me - here I am rationalizing/explaining it to you! Trying to talk myself into it.

Life in the fast lane

As I wrote over yonder today wasn't the best day. I suppose it's only natural... like erosion... the little drips, drips, drips will one day get to you...

Drip: X.
Drip: Annoying clients
Drip: Not listening kids
Drip: drip, drip of the rain
Drip: Just too many things to do & sick of doing it all.

And the sad thing is, I have a great sitter who actually does SO MUCH. I simply cannot, for the life of me imagine how I would (will?) live without her. She cleans, does laundry, finds lost things, buys batteries... imagine all the details of life that fall through your fingers when you have about 25 million things on your mind. Yep. That's her.

And heck, as uninvolved as X was, he would, at times, help me out. If I'd say: "I JUST NEED TO SIT for a minute" he would go read to the kids. Or if I said: "Leave me the hell alone or I'll throw you out the window!" (Note to ACS: This is a joke. I never, ever,ever said that to my children. At least not out loud!) He would somehow intuit that it could be his turn to help out.

Quick on the uptake, that one!

I suspect, though, that tomorrow will be better. I usually only allow myself one day like this every three months or so! So stick around! :)

Long and winding road...

So today I found a photo album I haven't looked at in a while... most of the photos in it were from the beginning of my relationship with X. Some right from when we first met, some from our first "vacation" together (Pennsyvania Dutch), our engagement party...

And I'll tell you -- it conjured up some strange feelings... for the past few years I really could not remember any good times - and good feelings for X. I mean, I knew they had to be there... but I couldn't remember them. Could only remember the bad...

Seeing these photos was a really interesting reminder. What our relationship was like at the start... things we did, day trips, snow storms....parties we went to...

Some were from our first trip to NZ... which was probably the winter after our wedding & I do remember from that trip not feeling entirely comfortable. And when I look at the photos now I see how in each one my face looks perfect. Perfectly made up. ANd I know that was because X was always checking. If you think I had to be perfect with just him... it was intensified with his family just meeting me!

But I really digress. The point of this isn't to talk about all the crap - it's really to point out, and think about, the good. There was good. We had fun. We liked doing similar things... going to strange little ethnic restaurants, finding strange out of the way places.. the rugby games we went to...

And then the pictures from our engagement party... and my dad - with his arm around X's shoulder... welcoming him into our family... and the look on X's face... so happy. He was really so happy to be in a warm, loving, supportive family -- so of course as time went on & he became more attached to them.. he'd put them down more and more

But you know, whatever it was with X - whatever our relationship was... I cannot in any way shape or form compare it to my one now with J. I'm constantly amazed and overwhelmed. Every day. (Tomorrow is 10 months!) I didn't think it was possible to feel this way about a person. Like is this really what it's like?!? (Like how I manage to start and end a sentance with the same word?!?) Amazing.

New Years Weekend

I know, I know, you've all been waiting for the New Year's Post. Sorry it's taken so long. As it is I should be making the kids lunch now... but here I am... blogblogblogging.

X took the kids Thursday night, I stayed up late watching Taxi Driver. Really just to keep tormenting J by saying "You talkin' to ME?!" (Have I ever mentioned that it doesn't take too much to keep me amused?) Friday after work went over to J's. Saturday we went to the Whitney Museum to see the Edward Hopper exhibit, and stayed up latelatelate talking. It was really nice.

Sunday morning I had the experience I wrote about here - which wasn't the best, but certainly gave me lots to think about. Then went bowling at Chelsea Piers w/J's younger daughter. Then met his older daughter and her friend at Whole Foods for dinner.(Yes, it's a super market - but they have a whole prepared food section & a salad bar)

Now, I know some people are expecting me to write about how I feel that Whole Foods is classist (along with the whole health food industry. salads so much more expensive than junk food... Whole Foods only in very well off areas... etc.) or about how pissed off I was that they do not have artificial sweetener to put in their coffee. (Me: You're out of Sweet and Low. Pimply Boy Behind Counter: No, we're not. Me: (realizing) You. Do. Not. Offer. Artificial Sweetener?!?!? PBBC: No. Me: (muttering to self) Health food Nazis... what if I was diabetic....) but I'd like to instead focus on two other things that happened.

The first was, as we were going into WF J's older daughter called - could we eat there instead of bringing the food back up to the apartment? (We had planned to pick stuff up, had bottle of wine, hang out at apt & have New Year's Eve dinner.) J asked me - do I mind. Two thoughts, running concurrently in my mind: Do I mind?!? Do I mind?!? Eating our first New Year's Eve Dinner in a super market?!?! Ack!! and Nah, I don't mind... doesn't matter. It's only dinner. It's only one New Year's Even Dinner in what I hope will be many many...

Now, what you have to understand about me is I am really able to have those two very opposite thoughts in my head at the same time. They live there. They battle it out. But, it's on the surface where the funky stuff happens. I say "No, it's fine." But my face is probably a mask of annoyance. He asks again - is it OK? "Yes, yes - really, it's fine." Unable to make eye contact. And it really IS ok... but my face and my behavior just can't go along with that to make it so.

I felt so silly. It really was SUCH a little deal... but... you know... first New Year's Eve Dinner & all...And then I'm not even going to talk about how they abandoned me in the salad bar section. I wandered around, and around and around.... feet becoming blistered from all the walking, arms becoming stiff from carrying the salad on the tray... but couldn't find them. When I finally reached J on his phone - they had .... gone... OUT of the salad bar section!!! J thought I had gone out in a huff (something to do with artificial sweetener...) but I hadn't.

It was tough, but we got past it.

But something else happened.. that is really much more meaningful, and much more important. I wondered how it would be... to be with somebody you love, who has kids. How would it be with those kids? How would it feel? And I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, because I have feelings for kids I have never met - feelings for parents (moms) I've never met so why should I not feel something, for J's kids?

So, we're sitting there, in the supermarket, eating our over-priced health food and drinking unsweetened coffee & J's older daughter is telling us all the places she will be going tonight. In Manhattan. At Night. With one other (girl) friend. Wearing a very sexy dress. In one or two areas of town that aren't the greatest...

So, I try to give my best NYC advice... areas I know, areas I don't... when should take cabs & not buses, etc... and then I say: "And oh, you can call us every hour on the hour."

Yup. Said it. Just because I'm SO COOL.

And of course you know how she responded: "I'm not six." (UGH!! Of course you're not of course you're not, of course you're not!!!) I kind of laughed: "I"m only kidding!!! (NO! I"M NOT!! CALL!!)

Omigod. Don't know how he does it. I'm getting those rolls of bubble wrap ready for my boys.....

ThursdayFriday Thirteen

Thirteen Things I'd Like For The New Year (As if this wasn't the most absolutely obvious topic! And no, these are NOT resolutions - more like wishes.)1…. To be able to do the Thursday Thirteen if not regularly, then at least on Thursdays. 2.... To be able to complete all my paperwork for work. 3.... To win the lottery (see, told you they were wishes!) 4.... To play the lottery (I know, I know - gotta play to win!) 5.... To finally take the summer toe nail polish off my toes... what's left of it. 6.... To finally be divorced. (You knew THAT one was coming!) 7.... To get up the will to have my apartment painted. (It's just that, you know, the chaos that ensues... having to take all the stuff off the walls, the chaos that ensues, having to move all the books, wall unit... and well... the chaos that ensues plays a small role in that as well.) 8.... To figure things out with my mom: Why I'm so angry every time I go there and see them. 9.... Even though I know this is obvious, I suppose I should put it in writing: To have everyone I love remain happy, healthy, strong and safe. 10.... To find some time to at least go running again (this is NOT a resolution... just something I"d like for 2007) it's been too long and I need it for body and soul. 11.... To spend more time w/J (although that kinda contradicts number 10... but maybe we could run together.) 12.... To take my kids to Disney World. 13.... For myself to be happy, healthy, strong and safe. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

So I'm thinkin'....

I'm thinking that I might ask the attorney who will be reviewing the divorce agreement if it's ok to put something in the agreement saying something along the lines of...."Each parent should provide the children with their own sleeping area (beds or sleeping bags), some toys, some books, and a place to keep these belongings."

I don't think X has that. But I'm unsure whether this is something that should be/has to be legislated. Like if he can't/won't do it on his own... what does it mean if legally (MOUSE JUST RAN UNDER MY CHAIR!) I "make" him?

And I have to stop asking Max. The other day I asked him if X had any books for them there & Max goes: "Oh yes, he has the whole Captain Underpants Series! The whole thing! More than you do!"

Call me a cynic, but I doubt X even knows who Captain Underpants is... But I can see that Max is protecting his Dad & I don't want it to become like that...

Just kinda strange to me... He has seen them, literally, about 2 1/2 days so far this month. Does not call in between. Has nothing set up for them at home, picks out their presents for them with them.. had no time to get them before, you know... because he has oh so many other things taking up his time. Huh?!?!

I know, this is who he is. Can't change it. But I hope I don't stop getting pissed off by it.

Innumerate

THIS is what I need! Then I'll be able to track how much I'll get off when the Ipod goes on sale...

(This season is obviiously, obviously getting to me - and not in the good way!)

BUY, BUY, BUY!!!

Somebody - stop me!

Ok, I totally have a bug in my butt (great expression, huh?) for one of these: The new Ipod shuffle.

The thing is, I already have an ipod - the bigger one - which means... and hear me when I say this: I DO NOT NEED ONE.

But damn! They're so cute! They're so small!! And they're.... well... they're pretty affordable considering the price of an Ipod.... (can you hear me talking myself into it? Stop! Stop! You do NOT have expendable income!! Must NOT BUY!!)

But honestly.... I didn't buy myself anything this year for Chanukah.... Ok - got those shoes on sale at Zappos... but they were only about $20... and I (kind of) needed them... and Ok - got some stuff from The Body Shop... but most of it was paid for with a gift card...

(What do you think? I'm pretty good at the ole' rationalization when I need one. Pretty much perfected the skill in my 40 some odd years...)

NO! MUST NOT BUY!

Maybe for a valentines' day present to myself....

I appreciate your help... but...

My parents are so great. They're so helpful. So supportive. Always there when I need them; always go the extra mile. Really truly - they are and they do.

They even offered to help me with the legal fees when I have an attorney review the mediation agreement. (I think they were afraid I wouldn't do it otherwise...so just nipped it in the bud!) And that's really truly wonderful.

BUT (and you knew that was coming, didn't you?) when I told my mom yesterday that I was investigating attorneys... and how much it would cost & what the procedure is.. (give them the agreement, they look & see if there are any questions - or if I have any questions - then they talk to X's attorney & work it out.) my mom asked if...drumroll please.... if they could come with me when I meet with the attorney.

Me: (omigod, she didn't just ask that, did she?!?!?) Ummm, why? Mom: Well, there might be something you might forget to ask... or something I want to ask.. Me: Ummm - no. You cannot come. Mom: Why? Me: (why is this happening?!?) Because this is my life. Mom: (deep sigh) OK, but can I ask around for recommendations for attorneys? Me: Sure.

So you know, a huge weight on all this is that friggin' peanut gallery. I can talk all big, saying that "this is my life" and yet, and still -- I value what they say. But even more than that, it's the feel like everything has to pass through their scrutiny. Their judgement. And it's impossible. Now this. So really, however this all ends... I will never hear the end of it either from X - or from them. It was "too much" or it was "too little." I am, as always, as it was through our relationship - in the middle.

I have to separate. I know. I have to be able to just not worry about the peanuts... but damn, they're so loud and persistent.

What am I?!?

OK guys, say it loud and clear: "You are a Dork." Yes. I am. I know, you're thinking.... "But you're so cool, how could that be?!?" Allow me to explain:

Yesterday evening I met my sister at The Walter Reade Theater in Lincoln Center to see a showing of Little Miss Sunshine and a Q&A with Alan Arkin - who stars in the film.

Now, I love, love, love Alan Arkin - but mostly from his work as singer in the children's folk group The Babysitters. I grew up listening to it, and actually found a CD of their greatest hits on EBay that I got soon after Max was born. I played it to death.

So, the whole time during the Q&A my mind is frantically working... how, how, how could I ask him about The Babysitters? And really, what do I want to ask? I don't have a question... it's more like a "thank-you." More like a "wow, you're the guy." More like "I really feel like I want you to know how much those records meant to me as a child." And it's funny, now that I'm thinking about it - because why would I want him to know that? And why would I think he would care? Although isn't being an actor all about positive affirmation?

So, anyhow, no - I do not get my nerve up. I can't do it. I don't really know the words to say, and also... well... public speaking - not my thing.

So, Q&A ends, my sister & I go out to the bathroom. I start buttoning up to leave & she goes back in to see the movie (I left before the movie. My parents were exhausted & they were staying w/the kids. I wanted to give them a break.) I look up & who is there... but... ALAN ARKIN. Before I know it I walk up to him and say: "It took me all night to get up my nerve, but I have to tell you - I grew up with The Babysitters Records. I love them. I play the songs for my kids." He looks at me like this is the last thing in the WORLD he wants to talk about. Do I stop? No, I do not. He says "You can still get the records?" I say "Oh yes, I got a CD on EBay." (Wrong, wrong WRONG thing to say!!) I'm kind of touching my heart and I say something like "I just want you to know how much I enjoyed it." And he says (still looking like he just wants this to be over with) "Well thank you - and thank you for getting up the nerve." And bright red, I walk away.

I walk out and play the conversation over and over in my head, and as I'm walking down the street I realize that I'm making facial contortions and actually WINCING to myself. (Well, not really to myself, people could see - my face screwed up in the pain of embarrassment!) Oy. You know that feeling, when you hash and rehash something and you just can't even bear to think about it because the embarrassment is too painful. Yup.

Today I woke up and was like well... maybe he just doen't like to be approached by people in general so that was the painful part for him -not necessarily The Babysitters part. So I'm a bit more... settled with it. So I guess I can save the Dork lable for another time - which I'm sure will present itself...

It could

It really could - count, that is. Because when I look back on the numbers, like I just did, I have no idea if that 30 is made up of lots of little posts like this, or deep, insightful, meaningful posts.....

RIght?

So

If I write lots of short posts, does that count?

posting

Yikes - look at June! I posted THIRTY times that month!

Better get on it.

So much has changed

So I was just thinkin'.... I don't know if you read in my other blog - but I sprained my left quad (I"m just going to call it a quad because I don't know how to spell it and I'm obviously just too plain lazy to look it up.) and that has made things here just a bit chaotic. Not too much, but a bit.

(Warning: somewhat sappy post ahead!)

But what has made me feel so, so good about this is - when I fell and called my office my boss said "Take a cab here - we'll pay." She called me that night: "feel better, we're thinking about you, don't worry about work" she called the next day: "how are you doing?" AND - she left a message on my voicemail yesterday telling me that if I dare to come in today she will send me home. She wants me to rest & make sure I'm better.

Now I'm not totally naive - I know that part of that is selfish - that I should get better now or risk having it be worse & take more time off later. But still. Last time I got sick - when I was at the nursing home - I came in coughing out a lung. I'm thinking...."there's something very wrong with my going into patients' rooms hacking like I'm in a TB ward.." But my boss never said anything... and any time I wanted needed time off it was soooo difficult.

And then J "I would have come to the ER with you!" And "Take care of yourself or I'm going to come over & make sure you do!" I'm sure some of you remember when I had walking pneumonia. This always stays with me, because it's so indicative of X - and it was right before we split. But I phoned him from the Dr - after the diagnosis: "I have walking pneumonia - can you pick me up at the subway to take me to pharmacy to get meds?" "No - I'm taking my mom to the museum." (It was January. His mom was visiting for 2 weeks.)

Me (crying) "But I have walking pneumonia! It's cold! Just pick me up, take me over to pharmacy - after I get drugs, then you can go out!" No. Not until I called him a third time - screaming & crying - did he agree. Then left me home. Alone. (My parents came over - with chicken soup.) (Btw - my dad picked me up @ er wed, mom came over to stay with my boys, sister came over to take them to school the next day. At least my family is always constant...)

So, you know - I realize that how it was is NOT how it should be, and how it is now IS (how it should be). But I also know that it could really be different, and I really, truly appreciate it.

It's so cool.