Let's get Physical

So, I had the day off yesterday and went for my yearly physical. I am totally (knock on wood) healthy, although I did have a few issues I wanted to talk to the Dr. about. I've actually gone to this doctor more than once -- which is strange in this day and age of changing insurance coverage... But - I really like her and oh - she doesn't take insurance. Yep. She decided that she would rather be able to spend time with her patients & not be within the constraints imposed by insurance. My insurance does take out of network though - so I guess it's ok. (Even though I probably won't meet my deductible. But whatever.)

So ANYHOW.

I told her how I've been getting these migraines right around mid menstrual cycle & near the end - and how I've been getting these strange heart palpitations. I said I didn't know if these were stress related, or just a new wonderful, fun thing my body was now doing. (That whole getting older, peri-menapausal thing. Nice to think about, I know.)

So, she asked me about PMS - and I said sometimes I feel it for about two weeks out of each month... moody, tired, moody, cranky, moody.... So, she recommended these calcium suplements. THEN she goes on to say how prozac is really good for PMS. PROZAC!!!

I was like - I have PMS, but I'm not one of those people who go over the edge.... just a bit more "sensitive" than usual.

But she kept bringing it up. "Why lose two weeks out of a month?" and "You don't wnat to take your moods out on your kids..." She actually made it seem really good... I mean, imagine.... being PMS free? It really WOULD make a difference in my life. Except that I think I think of this as PART of my life. It's what happens to my mind/body. Is that wrong? I mean, I would be the first to tell somebody that if something is going on in your mind/body that you don't like - then give yourself some relief and fix it! So I don't know. Gonna try the mega vitamin stuff & see how that works.... Prozac!!

Then we talked about weight. Just that morning I tried on summer clothes. Ugh! Nothing was fitting! (Ok, i'm in the midst of..... PMS.... but still!) So I was feeling mighty tubby. I gained five pounds from last year. BUT - she told me I'm right in my weight range! That I have a perfect BMI (Body Mass Index) and that I Don't. Need. To. Lose.

What? Is she crazy? I mean really.

(This is after a week of trying Slim Fast and making myself crazy by having fantasies of inhaling boxes of crackers...)

I am 5'2 and currently weigh 118. ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN POUNDS! So, we discussed it for a bit & she said she wouldn't recommend me going below 110. Then she says "And you know how difficult it is for somebody of your weight to lose just a little bit." Yes. I know. Thank you for reminding me.

Then I got to thinking.... am I falling into this whole body image crap thing? I mean, if my doctor is telling me I'm fine & I do not need to lose -- why am I killing myself like this? Because really, shouldn't you just want to be a certain weight for health reasons? And as long as you're healthy... then just go on your merry way? Just wear the clothes that fit you for that weight?

Or should you want to feel really good in those low rise jeans and t-shirt?

Shit man. I wanna feel GOOD!

And the best tourists in the world are... | Oddly Enough | Reuters

And the best tourists in the world are... Oddly Enough Reuters

Tune in this week...

For another episode of the TV Movie of the Week. Because that's what my life is starting to feel like.

Max had a little league game yesterday at 6:30 pm. J met us there. And, surprise surprise - so did X. And his girlfriend. All of us. Sitting on the bleacher. Watching the game.

And honestly, it was really really ok... but the whole time I just couldn't help but feel like I was something out of a tv movie of the week. Or an after school special. Like: This is my life now. I'm a single mom, with a boyfriend and an Ex husband... who has a girlfriend.... and there we all are, as happy as pie....

This sort of stuff doesn't happen to me. This sort of stuff happens to other people.

I grew up in such a "Happy Family". Did I ever, in a hundred thousand million years think that I'd be leaning over my boyfriend, who was sitting next to me, to talk to my X about our son? I thought I'd always be with X. But then, so does every currently divorced, or soon to be divorced person. You (hopefully) would not marry them otherwise.

So it was just so... surreal.

Butcha know - he STILL won't pick up the scooters!

There's Nothing really to say.

Blue Drinks?

Tonsil Boy

Nope. Don't think there's any strep left in there.... But thanks for the view.

Yankees Game

We went to see the Yankees play the Texas Rangers (Yankees lostlostlost) but it was fun anyhow!

We went with J and his daughter. It was a bit of a long day for Nathan, but there were enough people and things there to keep him busy. Also, I bought each of the boys a Yankees hat and one "toy" so that kept them entertained for a while... I mean, how could you not go to a First Baseball Game and not buy stuff?!?

Ok. Well I couldn't.

And what is up with this formatting? How do I fix it? This is highly distressing.

And To Make Matters WORSE

I just found my first gray hair!!!!!

This is it now, folkes. The beginning of the end. And just think, you were here right when it started, and you can now say "Oh yes, I knew her when she was young..." Or "Yeah, she's not really aging very well."

Or even "Man, those old people really get grumpy!"



*Omigod, I really can't believe it! It was right there! Right in the front! As gray as the old gray goose -- who also ain't what she used to be.....

It's happening.

I'm getting old.

I know, I know... it happens. Heck, I work with senior citizens - of course I know it happens! But shhhhh...... it's something that happens to other people! Not me!!

I've been very lucky - I look young, no grey hairs, no wrinkles (to speak of. Well, I don't check ok?!?!) etc. And ok, so in the last year or so my eyesight has been going. Like I can't see at all when my eyes are tired, or there's dim lighting. And my eyesight has always been perfectly perfect.

But now this is something else.

I went to the Dr a week or so ago (my OB) and then yesterday I had an ultra sound. I had been having these pains in what I felt to be my right ovary. First I thought it was just ovulation pains... but then it just didn't go away. So, I did what any normal person would do. I freaked out. I caled my ob & went in for her to take a look.

She found nothing, but sent me for the ultra sound (yesterday). The ultra sound also found nothing.

So I asked them: "ok, there's nothing - so what is causing the pain? How can there be pain and be nothing there?!?!" Their response is: "sometimes there's just pain."

Then it dawned on me: This is Old People's Pain! When you get older you just start having these pains... and now I have one, too! (and I've been trying to hold this back - but you know that this pain is of course in addition to the two pains who are oftentimes my children! Hee, hee, hee! Ok. I said it.)

Then something else happened. When I was in the ultra sound room I told the technician how I used to come there when I was pregnant w/the kids. She asked how long ago & I was like "oh, 7 and 5 years ago..." She goes "oh, I bet the technology has changed a lot since then." Since Then?!?!? What are you talking about?!? My kids are young!! This wasn't a long time ago! It was yesterday!!!!

And again. I felt old. I'm a "since then." I was pregnant seven friggin' years ago - which never seemed like a long time... but now it's "since then" and new technologies have come up and my pregnancy was ages and ages ago... and.... and... time is passing....ergo I am....Old.

It was a very eventful ultra-sound.

But it's not like mine!!

So, those of you who have been regular readers (2 of you?) have probably picked up that I've picked up that I was probably never in love with X. I don't know what it was. I thought it was love. And perhaps he loved me in his own warped kinda way... but feeling what I feel now - with J - I sure as shit never felt that with X. Never. Not even once.

So, this is what I've been noticing now, about me. Even though J and I have been going out for more than a year already -- so it's not like this is still shiney sparkely new - I feel like I have to talk about it All The Time. All the time. And talk about him. To everybody.

And ok, I feel like it. I don't do it. I'm not stupid. I don't want to alienate all my friends and relations. Although I suppose this is better than dealing with me venting about X. Constantly.

But I also find myself... when I'm telling people about this... and thinking about their relationships... I'm thinking... "Yes, but you don't love him as much as I love J. You don't REALLY know what I mean. Yours is not the same!"

And Omigod!! When I catch myself thinking those things I give myself a virtual slap! "Sotp it! You're becoming a silly mooning kid! This is what it is and this is what most people have! Stop being such a self-centered git!"

But still. It's kinda cool. And you probably know what I mean.

It Wasn't Me!

I went with Max's 1st grade class on a school trip to the Queens Botanic Garden. It was lots of fun, and the first time I have ever accompanied either of my children on a trip. He asked me, so I called in sick... So, imagine the pride, just welling up inside, when one of the guildes said to a group of kids: "NO! We NEVER write on the hot house white wash! That lets in the sun and kills the plants!"

Right.

You know, if you are going to do something like that..... draw a smiley, draw a peace sign, write "First Grade Sux!" But your name?!

RecipeSource: Spam Hashbrown Bake

RecipeSource: Spam Hashbrown Bake

Yum. And so healthy, too!

Captain America Arrested With Burrito In Pants - News Story - WFTV Orlando

Captain America Arrested With Burrito In Pants - News Story - WFTV Orlando

My Sea Legs

I had to go uptown today for a meeting. Now, I'm all, all, all the way downtown so when I say uptown it's most people's midtown. (Ok, maybe some other peoples' downtown, but not get too confusing, shall we?)

ANYHOW, the meeting was right by Bryant Park - in the East 40's. Which was nice, nice day, etc, etc.... But the meeting let out right around lunch time and there were SO friggin many people!!

I mean, I've lived and worked in New York City for a long, long time... but my job before here was up at Columbia University... so not a lot of people there.... And where I work now is, like I said, so far downtown, very residential. Granted, it's very close to Chinatown... which I tend to avoid. Why? Because it's so CROWDED. And, I must add, when I come in on the weekends I avoid the crowded turist-y spots & all the people I visit live in residential areas... so not too crowded. I just have been far, far, far from the maddening crowds.

So, I was a bit freaked out today. I would walk at the regular fast clip, but when I wanted to look in a store window -- the stopping and getting OVER to that window? Can you say "Annoyed about 50 people?" Is there some way to do that that I've just forgotten? I felt like such a .... a.... (I can't say it) a.... tourist! (Cue scary music!)

I'm going to have to take field trips up there at least once a week & get my NYC legs back!

Va. Tech gunman writings raised concerns - Yahoo! News

Va. Tech gunman writings raised concerns - Yahoo! News

You know, you read this article and all I cancan see that the gunman was a disturbed....kid. A kid. And yet he was allowed to get a gun - not a hunting rifle - a gun. A gun that you don't need to stop to re-load, but that keeps firing.

You know the"college years" are typically when most people have psychic breaks. Especially boys. Here we have one of those - and he was allowed to buy a gun.

I really hope they don't start demonizing him, and loose focus of the fact that it is our horrible gun laws that did this.

And yes, I should be working now.

Well put

I love Gwen Ifill

what happened to...

upper case letters? Have you guys read this blog? Honestly, I've read many, many blogs - and perhaps I had higher expectatinos for this one... but they were most definitely too high.

Kurt Vonnegut, Counterculture’s Novelist, Dies - New York Times

Kurt Vonnegut, Counterculture’s Novelist, Dies - New York Times

The Week That Was (Part 2)

You can see a pattern to this, right? I start off first thing in the morning, then the next post is at night? Well, if you don't see it - that's the pattern.

Ok. Next.

So I wrote about the first night over on Xanga (think the link's listed on the sidebar, for all you interested people. Two of you.) now's the one you've all been waiting for! Come on, don't be shy! YOu know!! Meeting J's parents!! The seder at his sister's house!!

So I was pretty, kinda, sorta, a little... errr... nervous. He picked us up at my parents' house, I had a backpack packed with everything my kids could ever want in the span of a four hour dinner, and the giant box of handmade matzah.

And, you know what, guys - this is really going to be a very boring post. It was totally cool. Totally relaxed. Totally normal. My kids could NOT have been better (ok, except for Nathan's constant fake burping & "excuse me's" but people thought it was cute... so it passed. Once they get to know him, they might not really think so - but it's the honeymoon period.)

His parents are very nice, all the people there were very nice - we all felt very comfortable. Nathan got right into it & to my extreme embarassment had no qualms about adressing J's father by his first name.

The honeymoon period.

AND - the topping on the Kosher for Passover Cake - at the end of the night J's mom told me that she "approved!" I passed!!!

He's number one!

Can you believe it?! He actually got that number....

Welcome to MY Travel Rights.com

Public Service Message. :)

Welcome to MY Travel Rights.com

some good info.

A fine, fine line...

So this is what I've noticed: There is a fine line between being helpful and being a busy body. Dontcha think? Let me explain.

Say you're sitting in a theater, and you know what row you're in, and you hear the people in the row behind you sort of bickering over their seats. THey are all in the wrong seats. And you hear them distinctly say a row that you know they are NOT in, because they are right behind you, and you KNOW which row you are in... so.... you turn around and say "That's not row B, it's row A."

Busy body or helpful?

Or, lets say you're on the elevator in a department store and you hear two people wondering which floor they have the ladies shoes & you blurt out "third floor." YOu weren't asked. They weren't saying to each other "we should ask somebody" you just... ummm... blurt it out. I mean, it's not like you could HELP hearing what they were talking about - it's the friggin elevator! Right?

Busy body or helpful?

Or you're walking down the street and you hear the people behind you wondering where they should go out for dinner... and you turn around and make a suggestion. (Ok, that hasn't actually happened, but believe me - it's been close enough...and it COULD!)

Busy body or helpful?

I know, not so easy to distinguish. I"m trying. I'm really trying. I. Just. Can't. Helpit!

No fading star: Actress gets roles at 97 - Yahoo! News

No fading star: Actress gets roles at 97 - Yahoo! News

Very cool.

Passover Part Two

I wrote about Passover part 1 - over on Xanga --- but here's part two.

The second night of Passover - for the second seder - we will be going to J's sister's house. I will be meeting his parents & his neices. My boys will be meeting his parents & his neices. For the first time. At the seder. A nice, calm relaxing first meeting - dontcha think?

I mean, I'm nervous and I'm not. I suppose I would have preferred meeting his parents first - just the four of us - before this. Before I have to have five eyes to keep on my kids who will be in a strange house, with strange things and people they have not met before.

No pressure, or anything.

And that's not to mention that this will be the first time my kids will be sitting through BOTH parts of the seder.... so imagine, if you will... sitting at a table (albeit with food, singing, etc, etc) for a good three hours or so. My kids. While a service is going on.

No pressure, or anything.

So, we'll be going there the second night... and I'll be meeting his parents, watching my kids, worrying about their behavior, worrying about them eating, worrying about my behavior, worrying about my eating... worrying about the state of the world we live in, worrying if the gerbil is ok, worrying about US debt, worrying about if they spill something on the table, worrying about if I left the coffee pot on....

No pressure, or anything.

I'm joking. Half joking. I'm a little bit worried about all this... I mean, it will be a lot - but then I just have to realize that they're kids, that his family are probably all very nice & oh - have a few glasses of wine.

What year is this?!

Kentucky.com 03/26/2007 $27 million anti-evolution museum to open soon

Good Morning!

Hi! How are you? How's it going? Have a good week? (How long has it been since I posted here last...? Not really sure.) Keeping out of trouble? Good. I'd hate to think that my blogging rate in any way correlated to the amount of trouble you guys got into. (You guys! See how I make my readers plural -- when if I'm lucky there will be one! Ha!)

So anyhow, as you can tell from that introduction I got nuthin'. Nothing to write about. Oh, well maybe....

Facilitating. I had to facilitate a break out group at our all staff "conference" last Friday. All week it was weighing on me. Heck, since I found out about it it was weighing on me. But, my boss said it "looked good" and I was "nominated" to do it because she "knew I could".... and blah blah, blah -- lots of other stuff supposed to make me feel really good about myself. Which. Ok. I suppose it did. But still made me feel nervous as heck.

People don't think I'm shy. I speak up in meetings, always voice my opinion, make little wise cracks.... and they don't think I'm shy. But I do.

Although, I suppose if you analyzed my behavior it wouldn't really seem like that of a "shy" person. But I still see myself like that. Maybe like a really overweight person.... when they lose weight they still see themselves as fat? I don't know. Kind of like a phantom limb, maybe...

So anyhow, I get down to the area where the group is supposed to meet & I'm the first one there. One or two people come & I'm fine with that. I'm fine with chatting. I'm fine with banter. But then they're all there. Twenty friggin five of them! And they are ALL LOOKING AT ME.

So I start & realize I'm drenched with sweat. I talk and realize the minute something comes out of my mouth I have no idea what it was... But they are all looking at me, with the same attentive look - so I must not be making too much of a fool of myself.

I make a little joke. They laugh.

Finally, I start to feel relaxed, and it's over. I bump into one person later: "You did a good job." Wow, did she know I was feeling so crazy about it? Ok, but that was nice.

In the end I feel like I didn't keep them as focused as they should have been. That I didn't really explain what we should have been discussing well enough - but you know - the other group who discussed the same thing came up with the same suggestions... soooooooo Something must've happened.

We went back to the main room. All the directors are thanking me. Thanking the facilitators.... Ok, so now I'm known at the agency. Not a small agency, either. So that's good. I guess. Isn't it?

But I get back to my desk and I crash. Crash, crash, crash. Must. Have. Nap. We got out of work early, I went up to J's place, fed his dog, and crashed a big crash.

It's over.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
My friend H. who teaches public speaking says that fear of public speaking is the most common of phobias. She said she will work with me to give me some pointers.

NATIONAL BUY DICK CHENEY A CHEESEBURGER DAY

NATIONAL BUY DICK CHENEY A CHEESEBURGER DAY

Happy Anniversary!

Thought this was a fun way to way to chronical my first meeting of J. (Ok, maybe not fun, but different. Informative? New? Unusual? Well, whatever. I just wanted to, ok?!?) The two copied posts are from my Yahoo 360 blog (that was private) and the linked one is the Xanga blog.

FROM THURSDAY, MARCH 9, 9:17 PM
Or crack myself up -- which I actually do on a fairly regular basis....
So I switched the dates. My Saturday night date with mask man has been switched to Friday - and I'm going to be going out with Fun Wednesday Night Date Saturday.
I'm not even sure WHY I am going out with Mask man - except for the fact that I told him I would. I'm totally psyched about the 2nd date with Fun Wednesday NIght Date...
Then I have a lunch date with another guy on Tuesday.
ANd, at this point - all I really want to do is just go out with Fun Wednesday NIght Date again. It was THAT good...

Also THIS from THURSDAY, March 9th

FROM SATURDAY, MARCH 11, 9:01 AM

So you know what - I totally cancelled the date with Mask Man. When I first moved the date his response was: "Well, you know that the skirt that you're wearing on this date just got shorter." Huh?!? I thought he must be joking. Nope.
Then, when I cancelled (well, ok, I'm a wimp - it was more like I postponed...) he was like: "I don't think there's a skirt that's short enough to make up for this." DOuble huh?!?
No more mask man.
TOTALLY psyched for my date tonight, though. TOTALLY.

FROM SUNDAY, MARCH 12th 1:29 AM
Omigod!
Guys!!! Great date! Omigod! Great, great, great!!
I think I really like this guy! Nice, cute, normal, funny, smart... he just has a great "way" about him... (Thank you, Billy Joel...)
I'm feelin' some serious liking coming

What a Working Woman Needs: A Wife - New York Times

What a Working Woman Needs: A Wife - New York Times

It's so true.

So here I am, once again

Yup, here I am. I'm in a writing mood, but the problem is.... I don't really have anything to write about. I wrote about it all over there - so I got nuthin' left. Nothing. Not a thing. And I knew that when I logged into this site. I said to myself: "Self, why are you logging into this site? You have nothing to write. On that site. Tonight." (Cracking up.)

Ahem, right. So. Back to the nothingness that is this blog post.... Hmm.... lets see... something is bound to come up...

Ok, well, how about this - its J & my ONE YEAR anniversary this Thursday. That's right, sports fans, one year! I don't know why, but I'm really, really excited about it. Not that I need a huge celebration or anything... but I don't know.... one year... Wowsa!

J said something to me like "oh yee of little faith"... meaning, I guess, that I was so surprised that we made it to one year... and of course, that got me thinking... Do I not have faith? Have I become so cynical? Why SHOULD it be such a big deal?

When I first started dating - a year after X moved out - it was a very strange learning experience for me: all of a sudden I became this FORTY YEAR OLD WOMAN WITH TWO KIDS WHO LIVES IN QUEENS. Not the 22 year old with no kids who lives in the West Village. I became this type. This inconvenient, old, out of the way type. I remember one guy on jdate telling me: "I'm sorry, I don't date moms."

I did manage to go out on quite a few dates.... (dontcha worry, I did ok!) but somehow they all imploded by the third date. Like a switch would go off in me and I would just no longer like the person.

I went out with EX for about 10 months or so... but I mean how do you really count that? He lives in another country. We saw each other once a month -- less than that, even. Then he (gasp!) broke up with me because he couldn't handle not seeing each other more often.

I dated a bit after that... and then I met J. And I liked him so much right from the very first date. Then the second date.. then I was so worried about the third -- would it happen? Would I suddenly not like him? I didn't want it to happen.... but it mysteriously did every time & I had no idea why!

Poof! Third date - didn't happen! Still liked him.

Heck, I think I could almost say this was love at first sight, really.

So why am I so hung up on this one year thing? I think I'm liking the idea of permanence... and this makes it just seem more so... in my mind, more solid. And, like I've said to J, this seems kinda silly but I like the idea of saying "remember last year..." and now having a point of reference!

I'm really not that difficult to please!

Pole Dancing Parties Catch On in Book Club Country - New York Times

Pole Dancing Parties Catch On in Book Club Country - New York Times

I think this speaks for itself.

A Funny Thing Happened On My Way..

Ok, I wasn't "on my way" I was already *at* but I just felt like using that title. So sue me.

(Aside: Nathan became upset that there was a book/movie with Max's name in it (Where the Wild Things Are) so he threatened to leave. Packed his bag & went to the door. So, we looked on line for things with Nathan and found Guys and Dolls/Nathan Detroit. We Found Adelaide's Lament and spent most of the rest of the day singing "sue me, sue, me, what can you do me...")

But anyhow.

I was at a meeting last week, was sitting with a co-worker I don't know too well & we got to talking... I mentioned how I have no time after work... childcare... babysitter.... X and she looks at me and says; "Well, wouldn't it be easier if you just got back with him?"

Huh?

Wouldn't life be easier, she suggested, if I got back with him... for me, for my kids.... because her parents were in a horrible relationship and they stayed together.

(Let me add right here that I do not believe this co-worker is married...)

I explained that NO, it would not be better... but she looked at me with such disapproval... It wasn't her business, so I wasn't going to go into how we went for counseling, or how we stayed together far, far longer than we should have...

But what I realized, what I had forgotten, was that there are many, many people who really do not look kindly on divorce. I mean, isn't it a sin in the Catholic Church? And it was the first time I had felt the cold hard glare of disapproval for doing this.

Then I was talking to my parents about friends of theirs... it seems the friends' daughter's husband is the carrier for a horrible, horrible birth defect. The daughter has been pregnant a few times already and has miscarried... and they are trying again, but still very worried. I suggested adoption. My mother replies that her friend is "against adoption" (Hey, what about the friend's daughter? How does she feel? Oh, never mind.) That you "never know what you are going to get", and something about them not being as "good" as "regular" Why are they put up for adoption... something is "wrong" with the parents....

Of course I explained about how adoptions are so different now, open adoptions, etc, etc.... but I could tell my mom kinda half believed her friend.... she was listening to me in that "oh, let me humor her" kind of way... (And don't tell me you don't know that sort of listening way!)

When I was finally able to close my jaw that was hanging on my chest I remembered X telling me his mom felt the same way. I thought it was just her.. .but now....

I don't really know where I"m going with this... but it never ceases to amaze me the amount of ignorance there is out there.... and how people are so quick to judge others - and here especially when people are trying to do something to help themselves.. help their children....

C'mon people... open your minds.

Admissions Jockeying Starts Earlier in New York - New York Times

Stuff like this sends me running to the hills....

Admissions Jockeying Starts Earlier in New York - New York Times

But M'am, One More Thing

My phone has caller ID. The result of that is that if I don't recognize the number, or if a call is from a 1-800 number, I usually don't answer the phone.

Last night, for some reason, I did.

"Hello, may I please speak to....." The voice was of a young guy, most definitely not from this country. "Speaking" "Hello Ma'am, my name is Robin. I am calling to tell you that you have just won a free trip..." "Oh yes, free until I have to pay." "No, no ma'am..." and he continued. The poor guy was so obviously reading from a script, and not doing a very good job. And each time I would make a snide remark it totally threw him off. So I listened. I never do that. I usually cut them off, tell them thanks but no thanks, or something. But for some reason, the earnestness in this guys voice - the idea that he was sitting in some other country - earning far less than he deserved just because some Western company could get away with it...

So I grunted, I said "Uh, huh" and I listened. It seemed I won a free trip for two adults to either Vegas, or a two night Carnival Cruise - and all I had to pay was the taxes. Hmmm? Fishy?

Then he started to ask for personal data... and I. Just. Couldn't. Do it. Wonder why.

So I said "No, no, I'm sorry. I can't do that." "But ma'am, but ma'am!" "I'm sorry, I know you work very hard, but I can't do this thank you. Bye." "But ma -

And do I feel better about my made up "good deed." No. Because now I'm thinking what if he gets in trouble for using the time but not closing the deal. So really, the only way I could have REALLY helped would have been to go on the cruise, or go to Vegas....

Next time I'm just not going to answer the phone.

Nice

You know, just before, in my other blog, I posted about how things feel a bit... down now... or off, But I really should have written about how things have been here. In my house. For the past two or three weeks.

Nice. They've been really really nice.

Since the kids came back from X's for that long weekend... something happened. Like we all had a renewed appreciation for each other. Maybe I had a final realization how it must be for them, there, and my reactions to them changed - I don't know.

I'm trying to think of how to explain it... because so much of it is just a feeling. They're still talking the bathroom talk, still running around slamming doors, knocking stuff off shelves (ask me how much that sound scared me - from the other room!). But we look at each other differently. Max comes over for hugs. We sit with each other differently... The level of tension is down. For all of us. (Which is even more amazing considering the PMS from hell I've had the past week.) There are more smiles. More talking. More relating.

I keep feeling like... we're a family unit. The three of us. More cohesive. And we're just all appreciating that and each other.

You know you want more!

Just because I don't talk about him enough.... Who?!? You're wondering. Who does she not talk about enough?!? it's not X. It's not J. Those two opposite ends of the pole are all she ever talks about... well, ok - a bit about her kids... a bit about her work... but it's always those two...

Sigh, yes, it is. And look! Here, for your viewing pleasure is..... MORE! It'll be quick and painless though, i promise.

Spoke to X yesterday. He will be with the kids & his girlfriend up by; where I will be tomorrow & I had suggested that we all meet. We can meet in McDonalds - so a relaxed place, for a finite/limited amount of time... But no. He won't do it. He said he wants to wait 'til this "divorce thing" is settled. He's too angry at me trying to squeeze all this money out of him. Ok. Whatever. (I'm so dying to meet her, though!! So dying!)

But he also told me how rude my parents were to him at Nathan's birthday party last Sunday. Apparently my Dad didn't even say hello, and my mom just gave a quick hello and then they both studiously ignored him the entire time. The air, he said, was frigid.

So, I've been thinking about it. And I'm not going to say anything to my parents. I mean, the next time they see him will probably not be until May, or so.... so what's the point. 20 million things could happen between now and then. BUT, while I feel that they are more than entitled to be angry at him, I don't really feel that he should be subjected to the Siberian Tundra. (Are there tundras in Siberia? Ha! Looked it up! There are! But anyhow...)

The goal is really to keep this as "normal" as we can - for the kids - and my kids pick up inklings of thoughts... nevermind outright actions.... so I'm sure (if they haven't already) they will pick up the vibes.

And. Well. Honestly. They don't have to be friends, not at all! But they should at least be moderately friendly. Ish. Kinda sorta.

Valentine's Day

I know, I should be saving this for at least next week - if not for the actual Valentine's Day -- but I think that's actually, somehow, somewhere, the point of this post.

Last week (or was it the week before? Well, sometime before now) I realized that Valentine's Day is coming up. So, I was thinking.... what to do. What do I want to do. Having a boyfriend, and one who if he knew/thought this was important to me just might actually do something...

Allow me to backtrack a bit. Never had a good Valentines Day. Never. Well, at least not one that was memorable enough for me to remember. (Ha!) And when I first met X he said to me "We don't celebrate Valentines Day in NZ" so wanting to be oh so culturally sensitive I said "oh, that's OK." That was until I met his best friend, P. - who was also going out seriously with an American. They told us about this amazing Valentines Day they had in Auckland... how they won this dinner from a sweepstakes on the local radio station...they won it by telling how they met (like X & I) and how she moved to NZ.... Wait. Valentines Day Sweepstakes? In New Zealand? I thought...... Ohhhhhh, I get it.

So I tried. Oh how I tried. One year I came home to find a bouquet of roses in the toilet. X's idea of a joke. And each year it was just such an effort... I'd have to plan everything, I'd practically buy the card for him. He just wouldn't do it. And I so, so needed it. I was always looking for something from him. Some sign of compassion, of caring, of love. And when we first (first) met I got that... but still. There was always something... I don't know... there was just always something missing. Maybe it was me - but I always felt like I needed more. More of the sense that I was special to him. And I know I've told this story, how at the end of our relationship how I used to have these fantasies that I would get sick & he'd have to take care of me... I was so starved for.. just something more from him. A sense that I was at least as important to him as he was to him. And you know the story -- when I had walking pneumonia & he wouldn't even pick me up at the subway stop. I tell that story so often because it 1) was really the beginning of the end; 2) it just so typifies him and his behavior and how he thought...

But anyhow, back to this year. So, I'm thinking about how it would be this year. Valentine's Day - and all of a sudden I realize: It is not important. I don't care. I don't need anything. I don't want anything. It was such a .... revelation! I understood what Valentines Day had meant to me before, and how I always craved it - and now that I could really have it -- I don't need it. I get all I need in this relationship every day. I feel it. I know it. I don't need a special day for it - it actually even seems silly. All those years when people would say that to me and I'd kind of sigh and say yes, I know, it's a day made up by the greeting card companies... but still... wouldn't it be nice....

I don't need it. I don't want it. And it's so cool.

Anger? Or not.

So, today is Nathan's birthday. We had the party yesterday; you can read about it here. On Saturday we went to my parents & J & his daughter came out in the evening for dinner, cake and presents. It was really really nice. My parents were so impressed how all the "kids" jelled together so nicely & how comfortable it all feels. It was nice (again with that word!) to hear that from an "outside" source (again with the ""!) because it all just happened so organically with us and the kids that I guess I don't really think about it/analyze it. (What?! Me not analyze?!?)

I told my parents that J's sister invited the kids & I to her house for Passover & while I had thought they would be all upset -- as in "what will we do without you?" They looked at each other with this really happy look on their faces. Parents! You just never know with them!

But anyhow, that really wasn't this post was going to be about.

X was at Nathan's bowling party - on Sunday. First words from my dad: "Oh, he's bald. Good." And it kind of went on like that.

When I spoke to my friend H, after the party, she told me how my Dad said something to her about X being a "bastard" leaving his wife & kids.... and how he's not going to talk to him. H told him he didn't have to talk to him, but wasn't it so nice how I had moved on... and was in a good place now. Dad. Time to move on, too. She said my mom voiced the same sort of sentiments to her, too.

X says to me: "Wow, the warmth I'm feeling here is incredible. I know my family wouldn't be like that with you. They haven't been like that with you." When I mentioned that perhaps our situations were different he didn't understand. Ok. If you don't understand, then I suppose I can't explain - but I think most people would. Understand. Understand?

Then H comes over to me at the party - X is strongly hinting to her that she drive him to the subway. It's about a mile and a half to the subway - in the freezing cold. She told me that she pretended she wasn't getting the hints & wouldn't drive him. I kinda said well, you know, it's cold.... so we compromised that she would drive him to the bus -that would take him to the subway.

So I guess all this has left me thinking about my anger. I know I have it - but it comes out more in incidents than this constant feeling of, I guess, hating him - or wishing him ill will. I mean, I wish he would disappear -- but I don't want to drive by him walking down the street while I'm all warm in a car & he's shivering.

So, I have no answer for this (for a change!) just kind of wondering, to myself (and now I guess to all of you) if I should feel/have felt more anger or if it's better like this.... Probably, like most things, it falls somewhere in between.

A True Test

So, you know, I wrote over here about my relationship with J - and how amazing it all is.. and how lucky I am... but this past weekend I had cause to think about another (wonderful) aspect of it.

I am going through a divorce - he is going through a divorce. I have an annoying X - he has an annoying X. I have kids and all the issues that surround them - he has kids and all the issues that surround them. I work he works. And we both, unfortunately, just have those darn issues that come up just as a matter of.... well... life.

So, what I'm getting at is - this is not really the best juncture in our lives. Not the calmest. Not the most settled. (And not that any time is, but you get what I mean.)

And through that all we are starting a relationship and I'd say a pretty successful one, at that.

And you know, when I was with X -- I would always be waiting for "the good times". I'd say to myself "ok, things aren't so great now, but when this settles down, or that settles down...X will settle down and things will be ok." And they were. We had some good times, but then those times were when all the planets aligned, there was ample money in the bank, and all the birds sang in harmony. There were brief pockets of time when things were ok - but then you have kids, you lose jobs, etc, etc, etc... and then they were not ok.

So here we are, J and I, when things are not so ok in our lives - but we're doing ok. We're probably getting to know each other at the most stressed out points in our lives... and it's ok. We're going through it as partners - a team - dealing with the issues, helping each other deal with the issues, and knowing that this too will pass. And when it passes - things will be ok. Calm. But, we already know that if life steps in -- we can really handle it.

It's just good to know.

Zep

What do you guys know about Zep?

Not so much, I bet. Probably because it's an industrial strength cleaner. Used for big spaces. Probably not, I would think, in little New York City apartments... right? Read what it says here - scary stuff.

Brought to you by the Anti-Zep patrol.

You all Do realize that this post is really just a private joke and I have not totally lost my mind.

One more thing

Just because I'm totally behind schedule this morning, anyhow.... Have you guys noticed that this post I did way back in May has become some sort of community sounding board?

It's the one I wrote about that scam I found on Craigslist & apparently that post comes up on peoples' searches when they try to find out about the company. It's a real traffic generator! I recomend all you bloggy types to just put abfimport.com on your blog. It'll work wonders!

So, let's see....

It feels like it's been such a long time since I posted here... and I've actually had lots to post.. just not the will to sit and do it.

Last week was a bit of a milestone for me - I cooked! Yes, I cooked. Made spinach lasagna. I haven't cooked that much in the past.. oh... 6 years because 1) two little kids, 2) back in school, 3) two little kids on my own, 4) just too darn tired, 5) kids never eat what I make, anyhow & too difficult to cook for just one.

But now J has been coming over & it gets too expensive to always get prepared food - and can't always serve him spaghetti & sauce from a jar!

And before I go on, I should explain that I consider "cooking" when you have to actually measure stuff. I make a salsa chicken - but that's just chicken, dumping a can of beans on it, jumping a jar of salsa on it, and bonging it in the oven. I don't really feel like that qualifies as "cooking."

So, since J is nearly a vegetarian, and since I have these lasagna noodles (the ready to cook ones) I figured spinach lasagna. DId a search on line & finally found one that used the no boil noodles & had reasonable ingredients. Neglected to read the whole recipe though.

Decided to make it Tuesday, since he was coming over Wednesday. I start taking out all the stuff & see this on the recipe "Put all ingredients in a cuisinart and chop." Huh? More equipment?!? I only have the mini-chop & so got out the blender.

Max came over and wanted to help... and it was actually really great. Again made me realize (feel guilty) how I need to really focus on them more when I get home. So many nights when I'm home he's running around causing mischief... but here he was, sitting with me, active, involved, calm...

We got out the blender (after digging it out from under about 7 years worth of stuff) and put in ingredients. I pushed the button. "Mom, what's that smell?" Took my hand off the button, sniffed around the kitchen... "I don't know... I don't smell anything." Pushed down the button again. "MOM - what's that smell!?!?" Hmmmm... seems to be coming from the blender.... Well, there's no smoke so lets just finish up.

I figure it was just complaining from lack of use. Right? Say right.

So, I/we finished. It was ok... J said he liked it. It was spinach, fat free ricotta, fat free mozarella.... so darn healthy & I think needed a little "kick." But certainly edible.

Stay tuned for more reports from "My Kitchen".

Yeah. Right.

John Tierney: The Voices in My Head Say ‘Buy It!’ Why Argue? - Science Times Columnist - The New York Times - New York Times

John Tierney: The Voices in My Head Say ‘Buy It!’ Why Argue? - Science Times Columnist - The New York Times - New York Times

Aha!!

What a loooong week!

I don't know, guys, doesn't it feel like this week is just dragging on.... I keep thinking tomorrow is Friday - and it's not!!!

Yesterday I went to meet with the "review attorney" the one who I reviews the divorce agreement X and I worked out with our mediator. She is out outside eyes.

I didn't realize it, but I must have been really, really nervous about seeing her - which I think also played into my mood on Monday. When I left her office I just felt such a huge surge (hmm, where have I heard that word before?) of relief!

But, I'm sure you're curious! What did she say, what did she say?!? Well, I'll tell ya'. She said it looked like a good agreement. The one thing that she said she felt I should try to change was that we would split college costs 50-50 -- she felt it should be pro-rata.

She also said that "add-ons" like extra curriculars, child care while the mother works, and summer camp would actually be mandated pro-rata if we did this through the court. I knew that about child care, did not know that about the others.

X had said he would pay pro-rata child care - but put a cap on it. So if I wanted to pay a sitter more than $10 an hour I'd be paying the extra.

She also said that any court would make him pay his pro-rata share of Hebrew School/Religious Education. She said the court always sees value in that. When I explained X's... issues.. with Hebrew School (and this really has nothing to do with his religion - I know Jewish people who do not like to send their kids to Hebrew School for the same reasons as X). She told me that it would probably cost about $20,000.00 if I wanted to take him to court for it. Ummm, no thanks.

Also, honestly, I just can't fight him over this one.

So, she's going to ask/tell his attorney that I would like him to pay full pro-rata for child care & also camp & extra currics & we'll see what happens. Hopefully his attorney will say "well, if you went to court you'd have to..." and he'll give. If not, it's still definitely liveable.

But you know, I was just so glad that she didn't tell me that the agreement was crap. That she didn't say something like: "What the heck is the matter with you?!? You let him get away with so much!" I've become so unsure of everything... people are all like "get as much as you can, get as much as you can" and I'm stuck feeling like 1) I need to get enough for the children; 2) if I bankrupt this man, or he's not living in the style that he feels he should - then he will, quite honestly, make my life a living hell.

Which is worse?

Throughout this whole process (it feels like) not one person has said to me "Amy, you know what you're doing." Or, "Yes, that was a good decision." More like they're all kinda thinking.... she's too nice, she's too wimpy, she's gonna give in.

And I did - but that's also called negotiation. He did, too.

So anyhow, I felt good that she said that. Really good.

Today I called my parents to tell them about it. Spoke to my mom, the last of the red hot buzz kills. "Oh. She said that?" "Well, what about this? And is he paying for this? And shouldn't he pay more for that?" And I know, I know, I know she just wants whats best. But doesn't she know that all I want is for her to say something like: "That's great. Good job. YOu worked long and hard at getting this agreement done & you must feel good that the attorney said that."

In the end when she realized I was getting a wee bit annoyed she said something like "Well, if you believe that attorney, then I guess that's good." Ugh. And I suppose I have to believe her. I hired her. I have to put my trust in one person, don't I? I mean what? Should I keep looking for attorneys until I get to one who says: "you need to get more, more, more from him?" Then will that be the right one? The one to believe?

I liked this woman. Got a good vibe from her. And honestly, our agreement is not high finance. She even intimated..."well, the numbers involved are not very high..." We have no car, no house, not so many assets (damn that graduate school that sucked them up!) so for her to look through that agreement and see what's what was not so tough.

Also, I did an in detail budget for her & she saw what I needed.

Listen (ok, look!) at me - here I am rationalizing/explaining it to you! Trying to talk myself into it.

Life in the fast lane

As I wrote over yonder today wasn't the best day. I suppose it's only natural... like erosion... the little drips, drips, drips will one day get to you...

Drip: X.
Drip: Annoying clients
Drip: Not listening kids
Drip: drip, drip of the rain
Drip: Just too many things to do & sick of doing it all.

And the sad thing is, I have a great sitter who actually does SO MUCH. I simply cannot, for the life of me imagine how I would (will?) live without her. She cleans, does laundry, finds lost things, buys batteries... imagine all the details of life that fall through your fingers when you have about 25 million things on your mind. Yep. That's her.

And heck, as uninvolved as X was, he would, at times, help me out. If I'd say: "I JUST NEED TO SIT for a minute" he would go read to the kids. Or if I said: "Leave me the hell alone or I'll throw you out the window!" (Note to ACS: This is a joke. I never, ever,ever said that to my children. At least not out loud!) He would somehow intuit that it could be his turn to help out.

Quick on the uptake, that one!

I suspect, though, that tomorrow will be better. I usually only allow myself one day like this every three months or so! So stick around! :)

Long and winding road...

So today I found a photo album I haven't looked at in a while... most of the photos in it were from the beginning of my relationship with X. Some right from when we first met, some from our first "vacation" together (Pennsyvania Dutch), our engagement party...

And I'll tell you -- it conjured up some strange feelings... for the past few years I really could not remember any good times - and good feelings for X. I mean, I knew they had to be there... but I couldn't remember them. Could only remember the bad...

Seeing these photos was a really interesting reminder. What our relationship was like at the start... things we did, day trips, snow storms....parties we went to...

Some were from our first trip to NZ... which was probably the winter after our wedding & I do remember from that trip not feeling entirely comfortable. And when I look at the photos now I see how in each one my face looks perfect. Perfectly made up. ANd I know that was because X was always checking. If you think I had to be perfect with just him... it was intensified with his family just meeting me!

But I really digress. The point of this isn't to talk about all the crap - it's really to point out, and think about, the good. There was good. We had fun. We liked doing similar things... going to strange little ethnic restaurants, finding strange out of the way places.. the rugby games we went to...

And then the pictures from our engagement party... and my dad - with his arm around X's shoulder... welcoming him into our family... and the look on X's face... so happy. He was really so happy to be in a warm, loving, supportive family -- so of course as time went on & he became more attached to them.. he'd put them down more and more

But you know, whatever it was with X - whatever our relationship was... I cannot in any way shape or form compare it to my one now with J. I'm constantly amazed and overwhelmed. Every day. (Tomorrow is 10 months!) I didn't think it was possible to feel this way about a person. Like is this really what it's like?!? (Like how I manage to start and end a sentance with the same word?!?) Amazing.

New Years Weekend

I know, I know, you've all been waiting for the New Year's Post. Sorry it's taken so long. As it is I should be making the kids lunch now... but here I am... blogblogblogging.

X took the kids Thursday night, I stayed up late watching Taxi Driver. Really just to keep tormenting J by saying "You talkin' to ME?!" (Have I ever mentioned that it doesn't take too much to keep me amused?) Friday after work went over to J's. Saturday we went to the Whitney Museum to see the Edward Hopper exhibit, and stayed up latelatelate talking. It was really nice.

Sunday morning I had the experience I wrote about here - which wasn't the best, but certainly gave me lots to think about. Then went bowling at Chelsea Piers w/J's younger daughter. Then met his older daughter and her friend at Whole Foods for dinner.(Yes, it's a super market - but they have a whole prepared food section & a salad bar)

Now, I know some people are expecting me to write about how I feel that Whole Foods is classist (along with the whole health food industry. salads so much more expensive than junk food... Whole Foods only in very well off areas... etc.) or about how pissed off I was that they do not have artificial sweetener to put in their coffee. (Me: You're out of Sweet and Low. Pimply Boy Behind Counter: No, we're not. Me: (realizing) You. Do. Not. Offer. Artificial Sweetener?!?!? PBBC: No. Me: (muttering to self) Health food Nazis... what if I was diabetic....) but I'd like to instead focus on two other things that happened.

The first was, as we were going into WF J's older daughter called - could we eat there instead of bringing the food back up to the apartment? (We had planned to pick stuff up, had bottle of wine, hang out at apt & have New Year's Eve dinner.) J asked me - do I mind. Two thoughts, running concurrently in my mind: Do I mind?!? Do I mind?!? Eating our first New Year's Eve Dinner in a super market?!?! Ack!! and Nah, I don't mind... doesn't matter. It's only dinner. It's only one New Year's Even Dinner in what I hope will be many many...

Now, what you have to understand about me is I am really able to have those two very opposite thoughts in my head at the same time. They live there. They battle it out. But, it's on the surface where the funky stuff happens. I say "No, it's fine." But my face is probably a mask of annoyance. He asks again - is it OK? "Yes, yes - really, it's fine." Unable to make eye contact. And it really IS ok... but my face and my behavior just can't go along with that to make it so.

I felt so silly. It really was SUCH a little deal... but... you know... first New Year's Eve Dinner & all...And then I'm not even going to talk about how they abandoned me in the salad bar section. I wandered around, and around and around.... feet becoming blistered from all the walking, arms becoming stiff from carrying the salad on the tray... but couldn't find them. When I finally reached J on his phone - they had .... gone... OUT of the salad bar section!!! J thought I had gone out in a huff (something to do with artificial sweetener...) but I hadn't.

It was tough, but we got past it.

But something else happened.. that is really much more meaningful, and much more important. I wondered how it would be... to be with somebody you love, who has kids. How would it be with those kids? How would it feel? And I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, because I have feelings for kids I have never met - feelings for parents (moms) I've never met so why should I not feel something, for J's kids?

So, we're sitting there, in the supermarket, eating our over-priced health food and drinking unsweetened coffee & J's older daughter is telling us all the places she will be going tonight. In Manhattan. At Night. With one other (girl) friend. Wearing a very sexy dress. In one or two areas of town that aren't the greatest...

So, I try to give my best NYC advice... areas I know, areas I don't... when should take cabs & not buses, etc... and then I say: "And oh, you can call us every hour on the hour."

Yup. Said it. Just because I'm SO COOL.

And of course you know how she responded: "I'm not six." (UGH!! Of course you're not of course you're not, of course you're not!!!) I kind of laughed: "I"m only kidding!!! (NO! I"M NOT!! CALL!!)

Omigod. Don't know how he does it. I'm getting those rolls of bubble wrap ready for my boys.....

ThursdayFriday Thirteen

Thirteen Things I'd Like For The New Year (As if this wasn't the most absolutely obvious topic! And no, these are NOT resolutions - more like wishes.)1…. To be able to do the Thursday Thirteen if not regularly, then at least on Thursdays. 2.... To be able to complete all my paperwork for work. 3.... To win the lottery (see, told you they were wishes!) 4.... To play the lottery (I know, I know - gotta play to win!) 5.... To finally take the summer toe nail polish off my toes... what's left of it. 6.... To finally be divorced. (You knew THAT one was coming!) 7.... To get up the will to have my apartment painted. (It's just that, you know, the chaos that ensues... having to take all the stuff off the walls, the chaos that ensues, having to move all the books, wall unit... and well... the chaos that ensues plays a small role in that as well.) 8.... To figure things out with my mom: Why I'm so angry every time I go there and see them. 9.... Even though I know this is obvious, I suppose I should put it in writing: To have everyone I love remain happy, healthy, strong and safe. 10.... To find some time to at least go running again (this is NOT a resolution... just something I"d like for 2007) it's been too long and I need it for body and soul. 11.... To spend more time w/J (although that kinda contradicts number 10... but maybe we could run together.) 12.... To take my kids to Disney World. 13.... For myself to be happy, healthy, strong and safe. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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So I'm thinkin'....

I'm thinking that I might ask the attorney who will be reviewing the divorce agreement if it's ok to put something in the agreement saying something along the lines of...."Each parent should provide the children with their own sleeping area (beds or sleeping bags), some toys, some books, and a place to keep these belongings."

I don't think X has that. But I'm unsure whether this is something that should be/has to be legislated. Like if he can't/won't do it on his own... what does it mean if legally (MOUSE JUST RAN UNDER MY CHAIR!) I "make" him?

And I have to stop asking Max. The other day I asked him if X had any books for them there & Max goes: "Oh yes, he has the whole Captain Underpants Series! The whole thing! More than you do!"

Call me a cynic, but I doubt X even knows who Captain Underpants is... But I can see that Max is protecting his Dad & I don't want it to become like that...

Just kinda strange to me... He has seen them, literally, about 2 1/2 days so far this month. Does not call in between. Has nothing set up for them at home, picks out their presents for them with them.. had no time to get them before, you know... because he has oh so many other things taking up his time. Huh?!?!

I know, this is who he is. Can't change it. But I hope I don't stop getting pissed off by it.

Innumerate

THIS is what I need! Then I'll be able to track how much I'll get off when the Ipod goes on sale...

(This season is obviiously, obviously getting to me - and not in the good way!)

BUY, BUY, BUY!!!

Somebody - stop me!

Ok, I totally have a bug in my butt (great expression, huh?) for one of these: The new Ipod shuffle.

The thing is, I already have an ipod - the bigger one - which means... and hear me when I say this: I DO NOT NEED ONE.

But damn! They're so cute! They're so small!! And they're.... well... they're pretty affordable considering the price of an Ipod.... (can you hear me talking myself into it? Stop! Stop! You do NOT have expendable income!! Must NOT BUY!!)

But honestly.... I didn't buy myself anything this year for Chanukah.... Ok - got those shoes on sale at Zappos... but they were only about $20... and I (kind of) needed them... and Ok - got some stuff from The Body Shop... but most of it was paid for with a gift card...

(What do you think? I'm pretty good at the ole' rationalization when I need one. Pretty much perfected the skill in my 40 some odd years...)

NO! MUST NOT BUY!

Maybe for a valentines' day present to myself....