Because seeing is believing

The email exchange yesterday between X and I:

ME:
I just tried to phone you. I think we should talk about Hebrew School.

When we were in mediation, and even while we were married you said you supported the children having a Jewish Education. Going to Hebrew school. Being Jewish. Having Bar-Mitzvahs. I understand that you did not expect it to mean Sunday mornings... but that is typically when Hebrew School classes are held.

Also, children typically begin their religious education at kindergarten/first grade.

Max said to me the other night: "When Nathan goes to Hebrew School Dad won't bring him. He'll skip it like he does with me."

I understand if something important comes up and you want to take the boys to that instead of Hebrew School. Those things happen. But not every week. This is now becoming something where Max knows. He sees that you don't support it. That you don't value it. This is not how we agreed to parent. We have to parent together even though we don't live together. This is important.

X:

I do support the boys Jewish identity and education. I never stand in the way around the time of Jewish holidays or significant events like Passover and I don't question their religious (or some may say ethnic) history.

It's just getting up at 7:00 am on Sunday morning to leave by 8:00 is not easy. Especially when it is cold. The commute is about 45 minutes each way-- and requires four trips in all (drop him off/back, pick him up/ back(. Nathan has to accompany me each time and it sucks for him

As for Max, I don't see him from 9:00 to 12:30. And by the time we get back to Sunnyside it can be 1:30.Three and half hours later he's going back to your place.

You can't think this is reasonable. And you can't expect Nathan and I to hang out in Forest Hills while its cold between 9:00 to 12:30. That's not fair to either of us.

I would just tell the boys...dad lives too far away and can't take you (which is true). Otherwise the boys will just think that I can't be bothered going and Hebrew school is not important (which is not true). Also, keep in mind. [girlfriend] and I are thinking of moving to Long Island City. What then?

ME:
They know you are not that far away. THey travel to and from your place. Your not taking Max *does* send the signal that you do not consider it important, as with a little effort you really could take him. THey are smart kids & pick up signals quickly. If it's so difficult for you to get there at 9, if you get him there by 9:30 it's better than if he does not go at all.

Couldn't Nathan stay with {girlfriend]?

Also next year Nathan will be going too, you know

You do not need to bring him every single time, but please - make the effort every once in a while.. especially around holiday time.

In terms of your moving to Long Island City -- that's your decision. THey have things they will need to do on weekends. They will have things they will WANT to do on weekends... (LIttle League, for one) especially as they get older.

HIM:

You have no idea! Very selfish.

ME:
explain.

HIM:

{girlfriend] is not always able to look after Nathan in the morning. Also, I can't depend on this.

You know that it is 45 minutes each trip...and that is a conservative number on Sundays when public transport is at its worst. 45 minutes x 2 = 90 minutes, 45 minutes x 2 = 90 minutes. 90 minutes + 90 minutes = 180 minutes (3 hours).

You're being selfish.

Furthermore, moving to Long Island City. Well, i also have consider [girlfriend's] wants too. And without [girlfriend], I would really be struggling (even unable ) to pay the extracurrular costs for tennis, baseball, afterschool, etc. That would affect you and the kids!!!

ME:

How about this? Can I pay for one way of a car service every other week? $10?

HIM:

The car service is more than you would think. On Thursday mornings when i take the boys to school, it can cost anywhere between $20 to $28 depending on traffic.-

ME:
I can contribute $10 every other Hebrew School day you take/have him

HIM:

My strong recommendation to you is that you should tell the boys the following: "As much as dad has tried, we've come to the conclusion that the Jewish Center is just too far from Sunnyside. Therefore, you'll be going 3 out of every 4 classes. It will also give you more time with dad." Otherwise, it's going to be on again off again (depending on trains, events, etc.) battle as to their attendence; they will forever wonder what the battle is about and question the legitimacy of Hebrew school. Furthermore, they will remember this issue for the rest of their lives
-=-=-=-=-=

So, that's how it's left. There are many points I could have argued with him about.. but through the years I have realized that it just makes no sense. I expend useless energy. I think I have to toss in the towel with this one.... just have to work on losing the anger/frustration.

Divorce

Sometimes it just hits me.

This is my life. I am divorced. The man I thought I would be with for the rest of my life does not live with me.

It's so.... surreal.

Thanksgiving Recap....

(Please allow me to begin by apologizing for the formatting. I know it's going to suck. I have photos. Every time I upload photos the formatting sucks.)

So, the other day, whilst Iman and I were watching the Thanksgiving day parade.... "Stay here" Mrs. David Bowie said to her daughter, as she positioned her on the window next to where we were all watching the Thanksgiving Day parade...

YES!!!! I watched the parade with Iman!

Ok. Slight exaggeration. I was in the same office/floor as Iman. BUT, she was at the same party as I was! And she did leave her daughter off with us!!

Perhaps I should start at the beginning. We went to watch the Parade from J's ex-brother in law's office. His EBIL is the financial manager for many bands including David Bowie, The Police, The Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen.... You get the picture. J actually told me a story of going to the parade one time & this man turning around and saying to him "Hi, I"m David and this is Iman." Can you imagine?!?! Are you just dying?!?!?

Honestly? I was really holding out for Mick. You can't imagine the fantasies/day dreams I was having up 'til that point. I was actually starting to feel a bit pre-pubescent... Mick......

So anyhow, she came into the cube/office where we were watching the parade, positioned her daughter by the window & said to a friend "if she needs me I'm in the next office." and left. !!!! She was almost talking to me! Almost! Right?!? Like I was right there, and I heard it! Siiiggghhh.... She's actually shorter than I would have thought. She's definitely very beautiful - but didn't have as much of a presence as I guess I thought a super model should/would have...

The rest of the weekend... well... went out to the relatives on Thursday after the parade & that was fun. J went with his family and his girls went with their mom. It was strange. This post-divorce life. Next year Ex will get the boys (if he wants them...) for Thanksgiving & I'm already anticipating how difficult it will be for me... J and I decided, though, that from now on at least he and I will be together for the holidays. I never had to split the holidays before... with Ex being from NZ... not being born Jewish... I pretty much got all my family all the time... So I don't think I was ready to give them up this time. But, after leaving him, being all day with out him AND having all my relatives say "Where's your boyfriend?!?" It made me think. We have to have at least that constant in our lives... even if our children are all over.

AND - well - we nearly lost our gerbil. Shadow. Came home Tuesday and poor Shadow was nearly immobile! I thought we'd come back after Thanksgiving to who knows what in the cage... but - came in Saturday morning & there was Shadow! Running around! It was a Thanksgiving Miracle!!! I have no idea, but I do know that my older son has a definite flair for the melodramatic. He sent his Dad emails entitled: "Death" and "Sorrow" and told me that he saw Shadow's soul passing out of his body...

Today, right before bed, Max said: "Ok. I'm taking a stand! No More Hebrew School on Sundays! I don't want to go! It's my time with Dad! And Dad lied to you last week. He said that the trains weren't working & that he couldn't take me, but it was because he promised me that he wouldn't take me - I didn't want to go."

You know, it takes quite a bit for me to become speechless.

So I just said "You know what, Max, I want to be the best Mom to you that I can - I want to do the best job I can possibly do - and that means making sure you get the best education and that I do the right things. I know that your going to Hebrew School is the best thing for you right now - so I have to do my job and make sure you go." He started to talk some more & I just said "You know what, honey, I don't want to talk about this any more. I'm getting upset."

That bastard.

The new sitter seems to be ok... we have to speak a bit slowly, as her English is a bit rusty... but I figure that will get better with time. I just got an email from the my old sitter telling me that she's home sick... She can't go back to Brazil for five years -- until she gets her green card... I had to explain to her, the other day, about us being Jewish. I said "you know, we don't celebrate Christmas..." and that while we believe that Jesus was a good man, etc, etc.. just not that he was G-d. We're still waiting for that. She was a bit stunned. I said we have the same Old Testament... The Jews, Christians and Muslims - all the same - then we split off. Then she said "what about Easter..?" And I was like "Nope. You know.. Jesus..."

But then she asked lots of interesting and good questions & was very comfortable with it. It's funny, in NYC you get used to everybody knowing about Jews and Judaism... but elsewhere I realize that many people thing we just go to a different church - and that's it. Can't really conceive that people do not believe in Jesus...

I actually love talking about religion. I know that it's something you're not supposed to talk about: religion and politics... and I love talking about both. I love talking about things that make us all different - in a way that acknowledges that, but doesn't judge it. We are all different & I think that by NOT talking about it.. but not acknowledging the elephant in the room (at times...) we make things more difficult for ourselves.