I found this whole box labeled: "Cards, faxes, emails" and opened it up. Found this whole part of cards from X. From when we were dating. I wish I could really express what sort of feelings this brings up in me. It's kind of a combination of numbness, remembering, sadness - but not a sadness that we're no longer together.. more of like a nostalgic sadness... like where did that time go?
A smattering of the cards. The first one: kinda telling. "I admire the way in which you have made an effort to eat salads and walk home - over the past few weeks your discipline has been excellent. The results of course have been the attractive body that will be accompanying me to the Bar Mitzvah. You look absolutely stunning in that outfit and I will most proud to be with you. (As always.) Keep it up, sexy."
You know. I feel like 90% of my relationship with him was about how I looked. It's so sick. He was NOT always most proud to be with me. He once told me he didn't want to go into a pizza shop because he didn't want the cute girl there to see him with me. (I must've told this story about 30 million times. I will never ever forget it.)
So ok. So I guess another emotion that these cards are bringing up is the anger. The sadness. The disbelief that he did love me. I know he did. He's just... well... ill, I guess. He would buy me cards & tape them to my front door - before we lived together.
A Valentine's Card: "Well it's not the kind of valentines day you would find in a Hollywood movie. However the card tells the story. I love you very very much. I apologize for sometimes taking you for granted. Maybe the excuse that "I'm going through a difficult time" is starting to wear a little thin. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this evening. Your boyfriend..." Can you imagine? He was sending me this when we were dating. Hello?!? Red flag?!? Taking me for granted and we were probably dating just about a year at that point!
Ok. Last one. I promise. "6 wonderful months that have gone by so quickly. Who knows how many more months there will be. Maybe many?! Or more than many?! Maybe years?! Lots of love..."
Gah! Is this good to do this? Therapeutic? Or is it warped? Masochistic?! I keep trying to find some sort of feeling.. and I don't really know what. I think the love. And it makes me sad that I can't. But I do know that it's definitely time to stop.
It Takes Three To Land A Steelhead
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