Thursday, November 06, 2008

I'm moving

Well, I'm going to try it out anyhow...  I find myself thinking more and more that I give out too much information on this blog.  I'm starting another one that's totally anonymous.

SO - if you for some reason want the address for the new blog, feel free to email me at: withoutarulebook at (I NEVER said I could come up with short pithy email names!) and I'll send you the link.

Pretty sneaky, I know.  But a girls' gotta be careful.

Hope all five of you will come on over!  (ok, sometimes there are 10!)

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

This is the stuff I hate

I'm sick.  Had to leave work early, have fever, upset stomach & generally just feel crappy.

BUT - the kids are with X, and J is away... and actually it's not so bad to be alone.  Quiet.  Couch and comfy blanket all to myself...

Then... (cue foreboding music) the phone rang............  X.  You know, that man just knows.. just has that radar as to when to call.

He asked if I check the kids homework.  I said I did.  He said that Nathan's teacher asked Max to check Nathan's homework... and that it seems like Nathan has no clue what he's doing.  He says:  "You think you're a good mother -- but you're not.  You sit on the computer.  I'm going to ask for custody -- I can bring them to school every morning if I get a car..."

So, there are these two forces at work here... the one thing that yes -- I give the sitter a lot of responsibility with the homework.  I do check it over... but I don't talk about it with the kids unless I notice a mistake.  X says she is giving Nathan the answers.  So... it's something that maybe I'm not the best at.  And why does he know that?  I mean, if he called & said "You're not talking to your kids" I'd call him on the bullshit... but I can't really with this.

Then, the other part at play is knowing that I have sent homework & work books with the kids to X's house & he has never done them with them.  That there are school calendars still stitting in the bottom of the overnight bag... that I don't take out & just keep going back and forth from his place to mine....

And the fact that he is going to get a car?!?  With what?!?  He's unemployed! He's cut our support checks back by nearly $2000 monthly!  TWO THOUSAND.

Max was home with an upset stomach on Monday -- stayed with X -- who took him out for felafel.  (He was going to take him out for samosas.  Samosas.  A nice, bland food....)  So -- in reality... do I think that he will get custody -- do I think that he will actually even really TRY to do this.  Probably not.

But jeeze.  I'm here, by body aches, my stomach aches, I feel like absolute crap -- and this is what I need to think about?!?!

You know, you think the divorce means that all the shit ends -- but when you have kids it really really never does.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008


So I spoke to X yesterday.  I am going to have the kids for Thanksgiving.  It is his turn - but I asked if I could have them.  I just cannot bare (bear? I never know that one!  Should probably just write "stand".) the thought of not having them with me for this big family holiday.  And since he's not American...

But his wife is.

And his Dad is going to be here, too.

But we're going to be in NYC - watching the parade, and Thanksgiving is going to be at my Uncle's apt - on Central Park West -- and J's family is going to be coming, too.  (Yep, families are pretty much all blended....)

So I asked X & yesterday he said ok.  "Bring them by Thursday night" he said.  But he said, his wife said "Does this mean we will never have them for Thanksgiving?"  And that really really touched me.  I love how she thought about that, and voiced it to him.  She wants them to be a family -- she considers my kids part of her family, to have them with her for that holiday.  And that's really really cool.  I don't feel threatened by that at all.

But *I* want them.

But dontcha know, being me... I feel guilty.  See how I take this situation and still manage to over think it & feel guilty about it?

Never a dull moment, being me.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I feel like I haven't been posting lately. I guess because I haven't felt like posting. I haven't even really been following blogs. I haven't been timely in returning phone calls or emails. It started when I lost my job... and I guess I'm starting to come out of it. SO - the diagnostician in me would say it's probably a low grade depression. That's ok. I'm entitled.

So, J & I have been talking more and more about the Big Move. This summer. I will move into Manhattan. With J. And the boys. I told him I thought we should have a room for his girls (assuming we'll be able to find anything we can afford. He's more the optimist on this front. I prefer to think of myself as the realist....) so they will feel like it's their place, too. It feels funny that we would be setting up a house/home without them included....

I've come to terms with the whole "being the poorest in a rich neighborhood" -- because I think where we'll end up in Manhattan that issue won't be too extreme. And I've also come to terms with the whole diversity/lack of diversity issue. Yes. Queens is decidedly more diverse than Manhattan, no question... but in thinking about it I realized that I grew up on Long Island. A diverse area of Long Island -- but Long Island nonetheless. And my parents were/are not so interested in exploring different cultures. The only ethnic foods we ever went out for were Chinese & Italian. Not even Mexican! And I realized my parents' narrow world view when I worked at a student exchange organization: "Why would they host a Colombian student? They all do drugs." (I'm be embarrassed to admit that somebody I'm related to said that!) And look at me! I grew up interested in learning about different cultures, experiencing different cultures, eating all sorts of foods....

SO - I guess what I"m getting at is.... maybe how I was brought up didn't play SO directly into who I am now. The big picture, sure... but... Who's to say if I brought my kids up here they wouldn't become so overwhelmed with diversity that they join the White Supremacists?! (Ok, not so likely -- but you get my point.)

But, what I still need to process is taking my kids out of their neighborhood. Their school. Their friends. Their Little League. I love their school. It is a small, community school. My dad went today to Nathan's Writing Celebration (neither X nor I could attend) and the assistant principal went up to him -- knew both boys.. was able to talk about them..

Max has already voiced his opposition to moving. And it's so strange.... if you had asked me a few years ago how I would have felt about moving to the Upper West Side of NYC -- where I lived for most of my post-collegiate life -- I would have been all over it... But now....

And I've talked to J about this. Oh yes I have. Because what has started to happen is it's slipping out in little passive aggressive ways... I realized it & figured I really better tell him what's on my mind. He does not want to leave where he is. He spent most of his married life (a good 20 years) compromising. He can't any more. He loves not commuting. He loves the neighborhood. And he tells me: "I will be unhappy there." So I think -- ok -- starting off living together it's better for both of us to be happy. It will not be a hardship for me to live on the UWS. It's the kids. But I know kids are adaptable. And I know my kids are expressive and talk to me...

So I know (I guess) that (ultimately) it will be ok.

But still. (Have you noticed that most of my posts contain those two words?)

You know, just when my life is calming down... something else? I have to move? Uproot my kids? Start them in a new school? They have to adjust to not seeing their dad during the week (probably), new friends, neighborhood, etc, etc.

I just want stuff to be easy!!

Yes, I know - it really never is. And I tell myself... it's better for all of us to be together, that that outweighs the difficulty of the transition and the adjustment.

But you know - you'll be reading lots about all of this -- that's for sure! (And hey -- a move would make really good blog fodder, wouldn't it?!? So maybe that's a plus, too!)

Sunday, October 26, 2008

It's Been a while...

Ohmygoodness.  I'm not even really sure where to begin.  I've had all these blot posts floating around in my head forever... and now they seem so outdated!

I've had a bit of a reality check with X.  You know, he's annoying, frustrating, aggravating, etc, etc, etc.  BUT - my new supervisor is currently going through a divorce.  And wow.  Was I and am I lucky.  There are whole other worlds of pain you can go through.

And when we took Nathan for a blood test last week - X came.  And I used his wife's insurance.  And the woman who took the insurance info was so impressed.  "His wife?"  and "He's here, too?!"

And when X didn't let me into his apartment when I went to pick the boys up to bring them to Hebrew School (don't ask) & I spoke to him about it the next day.  I asked:  "What sort of message do you think it sends to them?"  And he stopped.  And he thought about it. And we talked about it. And I thought, you know... he's a dick... but...

So.  My new job.

I started last Monday, so I've been there one full week.  I think it will be good.  Except -- my new supervisor (who is great, really) is, as I mentioned, going through a (rough) divorce.  She has two kids (4 & 7) and has just been promoted to supervisor.  Remember how I wasn't sure how *I* wanted to be a supervisor with just all *I* have on my plate...  Well.  This woman is a ball of stress.  And I so, so, so feel for her.  And I so, so, so know where she is and what she's going through.


She's so busy & stressed that I really have to focus her to find out what I need to do.  And it gets me stressed (collateral stressage?).

But - It's so cool!  I mean, I've never even really worked with people who have kids!  Now I'm with a woman who is a single mom, two kids....  It's like we speak the same language!  It's really wild.

I'm sure it will even out.  It's only been one week.  AND..... the BEST part:  It's SO CLOSE to where I live!  3 miles!  40 minutes by subway!  I drop the kids off at the bus in the morning - it picks them up 8:20 - 8:30 & I'm there.  On time!  I was so worried about it I actually did two test runs - one via bus and one via subway!  PLUS - my new supervisor lives nearby & can drive me home sometimes.  AND, she says if I need a lift there I can call her.  AND, Max & her son know each other from day camp last summer.  AND Max & her son want to meet to talk about divorce!!  Can you believe that?!?!  She told her son about Max -- and he said he would like to talk to him.  I told Max & he nodded his head sagely..."Maybe he could email me."  (Just like his mom!)

My sitter is back - with her one month old baby!  It's so great to hold an infant... to see an infant.  And she's so calm about it!  It was raining her first day & she has to walk with him - in the Baby Bjorn - to pick the boys up!  I call her:  "How will you do this?!?"  and she just replies "Ummm..... with an umbrella?"  Oh.  Right.  I'll stop now.

So, I guess that's kinda it for now....  Gotta go catch up on my blog READING now.  Really fallen behind with that, too..

Thursday, October 09, 2008


So today is Yom Kippur. My family are at synagogue & I am home. I did not fast. I woke up with the migraine from hell. I'm taking the three month birth control... so you get your period once every three months... EXCEPT they forget to tell you that when you get it... well... I don't want to venture into TMI... but suffice to say I'm not sure if the every three month deal is really worth it.

BUT - Yom Kippur is supposed to be about forgiveness. So I've been thinking about this a lot. You know, I've never done anything I've ever regretted. You know, when I was "younger" it was always "no regrets." Sure I've done things I feel a bit uncomfortable about -- that were poor judgement -- but never anything that I've ever really just not been able to get over. To forgive myself for.

Except, for what happened this summer. With my client. With the video. You know, a holiday like this brings on some soul searching... and I'm really realizing how big this was. With me. For me. To me. And who do I ask for forgiveness? The woman? She doesn't know. She doesn't realize. My colleagues? You know, they've pretty much forgiven me. And the ones who haven't... well... you know -- I was just remembering another former colleague of ours. She had been fired for stealing money from a client. I remember people -- co workers talking about her. Bad mouthing her. I said to them: "You know, she was a friend. We don't know her side. We don't know what drove her to do this. We shouldn't put her down until we really know. We don't have to agree with what she did -- but this was out of character & we shouldn't bad mouth her so..."

Well, the people I know who are not "nice" to me now -- are the same ones then. So I know I shouldn't be surprised.

And my supervisors... well... I don't know. I just don't know.

But ultimately -- I know -- I have to forgive myself. But it's so huge... this. And today, in synagogue... talking about forgiving - and I feel my eyes tear up. A rabbi sends an email. It says: 1) Acknowledge the sin and apologize.
2) Repair the damage or compensate the victim.
3) Don’t repeat the offense in the same or similar situation

1) I do. 2) I can't. 3) I won't.

But still.

I ask my therapist -- how long do you think before I get over this? She says: "Getting fired is hard enough to get over... this is a bit more. Give it time." And I understand what she says.

But still.