Movin' right along...

I know I mentioned here before that J and I will probably move in together.  It will probably be some time next summer... into Manhattan.  (Don't ask me how we will do it, an affordable place - [three bedroom!] in a good school district...  But he says we can...)

And that's fine.  I love Manhattan.  I loved living in Manhattan.  I haven't really connected too well/too much with people here... so it's not such a great loss for me.

But (you know with me there's always a but.  I'm always over thinking everything, so there always has to be a "but"!)

You know, "we" talk about diversity & how it's so great... and how living in the city.. (manhattan) it's so diverse.  And it is.  Relative to Montana.  But relative to Queens?  Not so much.  I get on the train here & there are all sorts of people.  From all sorts of backgrounds.  I get on the train on the Upper West side?  Black.  White.  Latin.  That's it.  And I love having that diversity.  It makes me feel more.... real, I guess.  The real world.  Not what I think of the Manhattan bubble... a borough that is turning into  one made up of the very rich and the very poor, one which is turning into a giant shopping mall with luxury apartments... that most people, on most incomes, cannot afford to shop in.

I look at my kids' school, I look at the friends they have:  all different types.  Nice kids.  Good kids.  Sweet kids.  I go into the school, the staff there greets me, they know my kids, I can talk to the Assistant Principal about my kids.  She knows them.  This is a public school.  In NYC.  But it's also a small community school, far from being big and uncaring.

So ok.  Because I have nothing else to worry about, I'm thinking about that now.  Siiiggghh..... Do I really want to move?  What will that mean?  What sort of kids will my kids become if they grow up in Manhattan?  (My parents nearly bought a house in Great Neck...before they bought the house where I grew up.. For those of you who know Long Island, Great Neck is vastly different from where I grew up.  Vastly.  I would have been a different person, for sure.  [Or at least had much more designer clothing!])

I don't know.  It's really important to J to live in Manhattan, and that certainly would not be a hardship for me...living right near a park, walk to everything, closer to work...  But.

Just thinking.  As usual.

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My job is safe.  Somebody else got the axe.  Try as I might to feel sorry for them... Well... I''m actually just more happy for me.

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Omigod.

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I am totally getting this!!!

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Max had his party this Sunday. It was a bowling party. Imagine, if you will.... a mother, sick with a horrible cold, cranky with PMS, a bowling alley that is about to close (that was their last day) overrun with crowds, staff not so involved... Also imagine.... parents dropping their 8 year old BOYS off at the party. "I have things to do, I'll pick him up later." Or "The party ends at four, right? See you then." Imagine this... the cranky, stuffy party throwing mother: "But, but, but....." And "Where are the chairs? The kids need to sit?" "Don't cry. I'll tie your shoes. Your mom will be back." And lastly: "WHERE ARE THE CHAIRS?!!?"

OMFG.

It was not one of the best parties I've had. Although I think I was the most bothered. (PMS?) The kids all seemed to have fun. But I don't understand: If you do not say "This is a drop off party" why would parents just leave their kids? Especially ones who are really just not old enough?

Then lets not talk about the one mom who brought another child with her. "They were having a play date. I brought him. Hope you don't mind. If you do, we can walk around outside." My PMSy response? "In the rain? No. Of course it's fine, but I might not have a goody bag for him." Then. She leaves. Leaves. (She DID come back after about a half hour or so.. but...)

I was relaying this all to J last night & he seemed far less annoyed than I felt. Or he did not express his annoyance as much as I would have liked. A girlfriend would have been all "Omigod! I don't know how you did it! The nerve! I can't believe it! It must have been hell!" And he was all...well.... understated. In a situation that required much commiserating "Oh. Yeah. That sounds like a bad day." Instead of the preferred: "You poor, poor thing... thank goodness you survived that horrible ordeal!" Thus the difference in the gender.

I'm growing my hair out (sorry, no segue or anything...). And I hate my hair. I always hate my hair when it's a bit longer ANYHOW - but I've made the decision to grow it (to a shortish bob) so I'm going to. Grow it out. I figure I can always cut it if I don't like it. But, my hairdresser warned me: "This is the tough time. The awkward time. The in between time. If you get through this without cutting it I promise it will be worth it." OK. But I'm still pretty self-conscious.

This Saturday I'm going out for dinner for J's daughter's birthday. I'm going with J, his two daughters, their mother and her boyfriend. Their mother. Her boyfriend. I've never met her. She's never met me.

Sunday, after the party, my parents took us all out for dinner. My mother goes... "Hmm... maybe you want to cut your hair before this dinner on Saturday."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks mom - because I didn't feel self conscious at all before... (And I did say that to her.)

I've come to the realization (with the assistance of some pretty good therapy) that my mother - as wonderful as she is - led me well on my way to marry a judgemental, perfectionist man like X. (Sorry Freud, I know I'm supposed to marry somebody like my Dad... but...)

My mother notices everything. Ev. Ry. Thing. Kid's hair not perfectly combed? She combs it. Speck on a shirt? She finds it. Doesn't like something? She says it. She was always on me about my weight (flash forward to today!) and always closely monitored how I dressed, what I wore, how it fit, etc, etc. (X! ) I know she did it out of love. I also know she did it out of her own background - my grandmother was a hoarder, a bit of a slob, did not pay attention to her kids at all.... SO - my mom is kind of the anti of that.

And now, yes - with my letting my kids go to school with their hair sticking out in tufts... I'm the anti of that.

Funny how those things work.

But still. Back to her comment. I can't get it out of my head. It was really such a mean thing to say. I mean, shouldn't some things just be left unsaid? And if I asked, shouldn't she say "You look fine. You look beautiful. And besides, that does not matter. Are you there to impress her, or just have a birthday celebration?" (Which is what I keep telling myself....)

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