I had a....

BBQ!!! Yes, I know, for those of you in the suburbs, or with yards, not such a huge deal... BUT I only have a balcony! I got one of those table top hibachis & J came over and we had a BBQ on the terrace. SO Cool! It was so much fun....

I found out something, though.... and I'm not really sure what to do with it. Found out something about J. He..... well..... ummmm.... doesn't like artichokes. I know. I know. Sit down. Digest it. Kinda knocked the wind out of me, too.... but I got past it & see that even though he has this... issue - I can still love him.

X came over yesterday to pick up the kids. Due to all thise complicated stuff (his brother coming, Jewish holidays, my mom's birthday) we've been moving weekends around & splitting weekends...

So he says to me "What do you think about my introducing the kids to the woman I'm seeing." So, without thinking I say: "Well, if it's serious, I guess it's ok. I introduced mine." Of course the minute it was out of my mouth I realized "Shit! I didn't ask/tell him I was going to do that!" And he, of course, realized that too. And called me on it. I appologized. He was totally right.

But then he starts with "so, is it serious for you, with this guy?" ANd I'm not comfortable talking about this with him. And it's not about the whole we were married & don't want to talk about who we're with now. That's not it. Just with him, I never know what he's going to do with any information he gets. Sometimes he's nice and genuine. Or SEEMS nice & genuine -- but it'll come back to me.

When we first split up & didn't really have any custody schedule set up he would come over here to stay w/the kids. And, if I was out on a date, or whatever - he would know what I wore, what time I got back (unless he was asleep) or whtever. I used to think he was cool with that - but both my shrink, and my uncle (who is also a shrink) were like... "ummm, you go out on a date & you think he's ok with it? Really?"

And when I went away with EX & then he had this huge blow up like a day later. He said about money - my Uncle looked at me and said: "In all my years of practice whenever somebody says something is about money. It's not. You go away with a guy, he has a blow up the next day.... come on!"

So I really don't know what his motivation is in asking me... and he always gets kinda snarky about it, too -with this smile...

But then I was also thinking that when the kids and I went away last weekend I didn't even think to tell him about it until we were almost on the bus. And it wasn't until I realized that if HE took the kids away for a weekend and did NOT tell me I'd be LIVID.

THe thing is, I guess I can't get a clear picture of what sort of parent he wants to be. I really feel like he's so tangetialy involved.. that I guess I just don't think to tell him. And if I hold him to the standard I think he WANTS to be at... well, he's not.

HOnestly - he wouldn't know if they were here, there, or anywhere on a weekend. He never calls them....

But still, I have to keep reminding myself to keep on doing what's "right" no matter what.

Urrrggghhhh

For the past few weeks or so, whenever I tell Max - to stop doing something he will reply with: "But I like doing it." He will do it for another second, look at my face, and usually stop.

But that response... it just INFURIATES me. Like, who gives a flying fuck if you like doing it or not - obviously there's a REASON why I'm asking you to stop - dontcha think!?!? (Can you hear the pent up frustration there?!?)

I've explained time and time and time and time and time and time again that when somebody says stop - for whatever reason - you stop. (And I know this is a little early, but since he's a boy I really want to make sure he understands that for when it comes to dating....)

But again - he's 6. And I understand when you're 6 and absolutely involved in something that it might be difficult to stop - right on the head of a pin. But sometimes it isn't even fun games he's involved in... it might just be throwing his pillow up in the air. It'll go like this: "Max, stop. Max. Please. STOP. MAXWELL, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" "But I like doing it." (Why can't I get the font small again?) Then the Glare. He stops.

Ugh. (Ok, now it's too small.)

Yesterday was actually a really nice day. I feel like so much of my time is spent telling them to sit, to stop, to slow down, to not touch, fold, spindle or mutilate... Yesterday we stayed in ALL DAY. Took all the pillows and put them all over the living room. Watched Nick and Noggin all day long, snuggling on the pillows or on the couch, made cookies, and danced to Elton John. It was so nice. So relaxing. So much laughing....

It gets so crazy with two boys... two active boys... that I feel like I get into a loop of "nos." And people who know me know I'm a really soft-touch - which (now that I'm writing this & thinking about it) is probably why I'm always "no-ing." If they knew I was tough from the get-go they'd stop. But regardless - I do get into the loop. Especially when I'm more stressed. WHen I'm relaxed, somehow we're all more relaxed....

And now - great - gotta figure out what to do today. And the thunderstorm we were supposed to have yesterday sounds like it's coming out today....

What the f. is still going on with the photo uploading?!? Who do I talk to about this!?!?

Wednesday One-Liners Should Have Tried a Puppy First

Guy, watching a toddler have a meltdown on the sidewalk: Where's Susan Smith when you need her?

--Hudson & Jane

College girl: Mom, I can't babysit them. Mom! Listen to me! I'm sorry, I don't like babies. I find we have very little in common.

--34th & Broadway

Lady: I don't know if that woman ever found her baby's head!

--King's County civil court, Brooklyn

Mother to infant: I'm so glad you're getting a personality now! You used to just sit there and bore the fuck out of me. I wasn't sure if I was going to love you! You're not going to remember that, are you? [to friend] Is she?

--Water St & Hanover Sq

Guy surrounded by kids: You're all a bunch of savages. Little savages, that's what you are!

--151st & Broadway

Woman to baby in stroller: No crying! Crying is unacceptable. I don't care how bored you are. [to clerk] Does this come in pink?

--J Crew, Tme Warner Center, Columbus Circle

Lady on cell: No, she don't like anyone. She mean as shit...Nah...Nah...She don't even like her own children.

--Port Authority

via Overheard in New York, Aug 23, 2006

This week so far

Don't know if you guys know, but I've been off this week. Took off the two weeks to give my babysitter a vacation. Since my work schedule had been so sporadic... job, no job, part-time job... I hadn't really had solid vacation time in a while. (Ok, so I no longer have any solid vacation time now - since I've used it all!) But, I like to be able to give her what I can. She does such an amazing job with my boys, is never ever late, cooks, cleans... and basically - if you could see what my place looks like now with her being gone for only five days... well - you'd know what a value she is.

SO ANYHOW, I've been home these past two weeks... and omigod. I'm just trying to remember what we did and I can't! Ok.... right. Monday my friend H. came over w/her daughter and we played here for a bit then went to the playground; Tuesday a friend from here came over with her son (Nathan's age) - we went for lunch and to playground. Then yesterday we went into NYC - Grand Central Station.

My ex-brother in law is coming to NYC Thursday 'til Sept. 6th or so. (I'm totally hoping he'll bring me some Pineapple Lumps) So I knew I had to get them presents (totally owe them) and wanted to get them NY stuff. So, figured the Transit Museum Shop.

But, the thing was - I wanted to get them nice stuff... but then I didn't want to spend too much money. Plus I was having VERY mixed emotions about buying stuff for them when the X never does.... But, you know what, I think I'm more in contact with them than he is... so.... So - it took me a long time to decide - and in the end wasn't entirely happy with what I got - but really felt like I was spending way too much time on it. (Not unlike the amount of time I'm spending talking about it!)

So, anyhow, the BIG news is that J met us for lunch. Yep. It happened. He went shopping with us and went for lunch with us. It was so totally cool, and so totally normal. Not the BIG deal I had kind of made it to be in my head. I could see they were really comfortable with him... and that made me feel really good.

Movin' right along....



And Blogger still won't upload photos - but I saw somebody else complaining about it on another blog... so at least it's not just me!

Glen Cove murder may be linked to other cases - Newsday.com

Glen Cove murder may be linked to other cases - Newsday.com

this is SO GREAT! I mean, it was in my hometown! Wow! We're on the map!!


yikes.

The Best Explanation So Far

Hipster girl: What's up with all the Jews for Jesus stuff everywhere?
Hipster guy: I don't know. I think Jews just try to adopt whatever's mainstream and will make them money.

--A/C/E underpass, Times Square station

Overheard by: Al

via Overheard in New York, Aug 22, 2006

Ok, so....

You know, this time I think I'm not even going to TRY to upload photos. Nope. Not going to even try. And maybe the Blogger ghosts will be reading this & say "Ok, so she's not going to try, so next time we'll trick her & let her upload photos... because she's not trying this time." Ya' think? (Don't answer!)

So, let's see. Had an amazing, amazing, amazing weekend away with the kids. I had such a bad week before... busy, bad X experiences. (And oh, did I mention that X got fired. Yep. Fired. Probably an unjust firing - because a bad husband but a damn good employee. The thing is, with him, money is his security & if he doesn't feel secure, it gets taken out on me. I'm just hoping his new girlfriend will pick up the slack!)

Saw EX for lunch on THursday (was it Thursday? THe week is such a blur) and it was pretty non-eventful. I was so busy & distracted & again I'm left wondering how a friendship can continue if we don't talk about what's important in our lives - kids and relationships. Sure, we talk about kids -- but... But again: Whatever.

So, I was stressed about packing. How much? How do I carry? What will the weather be like?! Oh, so very stressed. I ended up using the backpack that went through Europe with me about 20 years ago (can that be? Pretend you didn't read that. Not really that long ago!) and a regular knapsack. So ok, didn't bring extra shoes that was a bit problematic in the rain... but the kids were troopers.

This is getting awfully rambly & for those of you who have made it this far - I commend you.

So - It was just so great to see my kids in a different environment. To hear Max say "Mom, I'll take Nathan to the bathroom." Or hear Nathan say: "LOok, I'm learning to swim!" But the best, and most heartwarming part for me was the idea that I'm creating memories for them. I worry so much that I'm not giving them enough. So many of their friends have already been to Disney, go to plush summer camps, etc, etc. And while I try to anchor myself in reality -- that they're ONLY 4 and 6... still. I want them to have it all.

So, while they were doing these different things: archery, swimming, walking in the woods, making s'mores, even the Jewish communal experience -- and I made a point of teling them that all the kids there had parents that live in different houses. Like theirs. So that was good. I know this sounds extreme, but I could feel them growing. Expanding. I could just see all the experiences building in them.

And that just so filled my heart.

ONe more

I'm just so proud of him. 

That's MY son!!

I still can't believe he even wanted to do this. But, he did. All the way to the top.