Every morning when I wake up I have to orient myself. Where am I? Am I at my house? J's house? Sometimes: At my parents' house? Then, who is in the bed with me? J? Max? Nathan? (Ok, Yes! They start off in their beds and end up in mine! I have many many mixed feelings about that & I'm trying to stop it & have them go back into their own beds... but well... it's kinda nice... ) Then, where are the kids? My place? X's place? Is J's daughter here? At his place? At her mom's place? Oy. Honestly, it's not easy. And sometimes there's a bit of panic. "Where are the kids? Why are they not here?" What day is it?" Back and forth, here and there, my place, J's place, my place, X's place.... I'm a little dizzy.
And did I mention that I bought a new overnight bag?
Yeah. I feel a little here and there and higgledy piggledy lately. And I'm kinda sorta starting to think that it's time for J and I to live together. (Ok. Truth. I've probably thought this for.. oh... the past 6 months, but this is the first time I've put it to paper.) And does J know this, you might ask? Well... I hinted. I eased my way into it. I oh so delicately asked: "SO! When are we going to move in together?" (You guys are impressed with my finesse, right?)
And we will. I know it. But I also know that I split with X before J split with his wife... and I know that he needs the time to set up his own space with his girls... and adjust. I know it. I totally know it. But don't you just hate how that logic part just keeps nudging away that inside part? The part that gets your mind stirring? That takes you to deep dark places? That makes you think It's Never Going to Happen, all is doomed, doomed, doomed? (And you tell me that stuff NEVER happens to you!)
Ugh. So, like the true schizophrenic that I am, the two Me's do battle. I want us living together. Yesterday. But I know he needs more time. The thing is, it's making me a wee bit edgy. I mean, you try to live with two you's doing battle inside your head! It would probably make you a little edgy, too! It's a challenge for the insecure me not to feel rejected. And it's a pleasure for the mature, logical me to feel so calm, cool and and understanding.
My shrink is all "You have your needs and it's important to not forget those" which I kinda did for ohhh... about seven years. And so I try to express them to J. And he knows. And I know he knows. But Gah! This whole relationship thing! Negotiating two peoples' needs! What's THAT all about?!? Me! Me!
Now I'm off to go sing the Aikin Drum song.
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