I feel like I haven't been posting lately. I guess because I haven't felt like posting. I haven't even really been following blogs. I haven't been timely in returning phone calls or emails. It started when I lost my job... and I guess I'm starting to come out of it. SO - the diagnostician in me would say it's probably a low grade depression. That's ok. I'm entitled.

So, J & I have been talking more and more about the Big Move. This summer. I will move into Manhattan. With J. And the boys. I told him I thought we should have a room for his girls (assuming we'll be able to find anything we can afford. He's more the optimist on this front. I prefer to think of myself as the realist....) so they will feel like it's their place, too. It feels funny that we would be setting up a house/home without them included....

I've come to terms with the whole "being the poorest in a rich neighborhood" -- because I think where we'll end up in Manhattan that issue won't be too extreme. And I've also come to terms with the whole diversity/lack of diversity issue. Yes. Queens is decidedly more diverse than Manhattan, no question... but in thinking about it I realized that I grew up on Long Island. A diverse area of Long Island -- but Long Island nonetheless. And my parents were/are not so interested in exploring different cultures. The only ethnic foods we ever went out for were Chinese & Italian. Not even Mexican! And I realized my parents' narrow world view when I worked at a student exchange organization: "Why would they host a Colombian student? They all do drugs." (I'm be embarrassed to admit that somebody I'm related to said that!) And look at me! I grew up interested in learning about different cultures, experiencing different cultures, eating all sorts of foods....

SO - I guess what I"m getting at is.... maybe how I was brought up didn't play SO directly into who I am now. The big picture, sure... but... Who's to say if I brought my kids up here they wouldn't become so overwhelmed with diversity that they join the White Supremacists?! (Ok, not so likely -- but you get my point.)

But, what I still need to process is taking my kids out of their neighborhood. Their school. Their friends. Their Little League. I love their school. It is a small, community school. My dad went today to Nathan's Writing Celebration (neither X nor I could attend) and the assistant principal went up to him -- knew both boys.. was able to talk about them..

Max has already voiced his opposition to moving. And it's so strange.... if you had asked me a few years ago how I would have felt about moving to the Upper West Side of NYC -- where I lived for most of my post-collegiate life -- I would have been all over it... But now....

And I've talked to J about this. Oh yes I have. Because what has started to happen is it's slipping out in little passive aggressive ways... I realized it & figured I really better tell him what's on my mind. He does not want to leave where he is. He spent most of his married life (a good 20 years) compromising. He can't any more. He loves not commuting. He loves the neighborhood. And he tells me: "I will be unhappy there." So I think -- ok -- starting off living together it's better for both of us to be happy. It will not be a hardship for me to live on the UWS. It's the kids. But I know kids are adaptable. And I know my kids are expressive and talk to me...

So I know (I guess) that (ultimately) it will be ok.

But still. (Have you noticed that most of my posts contain those two words?)

You know, just when my life is calming down... something else? I have to move? Uproot my kids? Start them in a new school? They have to adjust to not seeing their dad during the week (probably), new friends, neighborhood, etc, etc.

I just want stuff to be easy!!

Yes, I know - it really never is. And I tell myself... it's better for all of us to be together, that that outweighs the difficulty of the transition and the adjustment.

But you know - you'll be reading lots about all of this -- that's for sure! (And hey -- a move would make really good blog fodder, wouldn't it?!? So maybe that's a plus, too!)

It's Been a while...

Ohmygoodness.  I'm not even really sure where to begin.  I've had all these blot posts floating around in my head forever... and now they seem so outdated!

I've had a bit of a reality check with X.  You know, he's annoying, frustrating, aggravating, etc, etc, etc.  BUT - my new supervisor is currently going through a divorce.  And wow.  Was I and am I lucky.  There are whole other worlds of pain you can go through.

And when we took Nathan for a blood test last week - X came.  And I used his wife's insurance.  And the woman who took the insurance info was so impressed.  "His wife?"  and "He's here, too?!"

And when X didn't let me into his apartment when I went to pick the boys up to bring them to Hebrew School (don't ask) & I spoke to him about it the next day.  I asked:  "What sort of message do you think it sends to them?"  And he stopped.  And he thought about it. And we talked about it. And I thought, you know... he's a dick... but...

So.  My new job.

I started last Monday, so I've been there one full week.  I think it will be good.  Except -- my new supervisor (who is great, really) is, as I mentioned, going through a (rough) divorce.  She has two kids (4 & 7) and has just been promoted to supervisor.  Remember how I wasn't sure how *I* wanted to be a supervisor with just all *I* have on my plate...  Well.  This woman is a ball of stress.  And I so, so, so feel for her.  And I so, so, so know where she is and what she's going through.

But.

She's so busy & stressed that I really have to focus her to find out what I need to do.  And it gets me stressed (collateral stressage?).

But - It's so cool!  I mean, I've never even really worked with people who have kids!  Now I'm with a woman who is a single mom, two kids....  It's like we speak the same language!  It's really wild.

I'm sure it will even out.  It's only been one week.  AND..... the BEST part:  It's SO CLOSE to where I live!  3 miles!  40 minutes by subway!  I drop the kids off at the bus in the morning - it picks them up 8:20 - 8:30 & I'm there.  On time!  I was so worried about it I actually did two test runs - one via bus and one via subway!  PLUS - my new supervisor lives nearby & can drive me home sometimes.  AND, she says if I need a lift there I can call her.  AND, Max & her son know each other from day camp last summer.  AND Max & her son want to meet to talk about divorce!!  Can you believe that?!?!  She told her son about Max -- and he said he would like to talk to him.  I told Max & he nodded his head sagely..."Maybe he could email me."  (Just like his mom!)

My sitter is back - with her one month old baby!  It's so great to hold an infant... to see an infant.  And she's so calm about it!  It was raining her first day & she has to walk with him - in the Baby Bjorn - to pick the boys up!  I call her:  "How will you do this?!?"  and she just replies "Ummm..... with an umbrella?"  Oh.  Right.  I'll stop now.

So, I guess that's kinda it for now....  Gotta go catch up on my blog READING now.  Really fallen behind with that, too..