Just another day

Scene: My parents' house. I'm downstairs on computer, kids upstairs watching tv.

Max: (comes into computer room) Mom, you know too much computer is bad for you.

Me: You know too much tv is bad for you.

Max: Touche.

=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=

Touche!!! My son said touche, in an appropriate and funny context! It's so cool! I love how they develop these senses of humor..... and I can laugh at jokes my kids make!

So. Cool!

touche! Hee, hee!

Butterflies.

I wake up every morning with butterflies. Anxiety. Nerves. Sometimes anxiety is good: It gets you motivated and moving. And some times... it's not. You sit. Stare. Your kids call you. You say: "Just a minute." and you sit & stare. They start counting to sixty... "59... 60! A minute's up! Come on!" (Who taught them to be so literal?)

I'm doing stuff. I mean, I'm not entirely immobile -- catatonia has not entirely set in -- but given my druthers? Sitting. Staring. Curled up in little ball under covers in my bed.

I've sent out three resumes and have had two phone calls back. One is for a position in Far Rockaway... and while I'm sure it's a great job -- the commute is about two hours. I've been playing phone tag with the woman... but honestly I'm not even sure I want to go out there just for an interview! I have a job interview on Friday. (I know, you're saying stuff is happening -- why is she so anxious?)And, this place actually offered me a position about three years ago. A position for a lot of money (relative to social workdom) but I really loved my job... so... didn't take it.

I emailed the supervisor when I saw the position was available & they called me back. So, I suppose they're not too upset I turned them down before.

So why am I so anxious? I don't know. I really don't.

I went suit shopping today. With Nathan. (Max is with J @ the US Open -- J had an extra ticket!) He sat outside the dressing room playing with my flip flops & his toy dragon head (don't ask) & complained constantly.

But you know -- I've felt like I've gained so much weight & I'm still a 6 petite skirt at Ann Taylor. I am, certainly, the heaviest I've been since pregnant. And yes, I used to be a size 2 or 4... But. It was good to put things in a bit of perspective & kind of be forced to see that I'm not as big as I think I am.

Now back to the space staring.

Where I'm at.

That's a good question. Not too sure. I know I'm at a better place than I was three weeks ago.

The vacation was -- at risk of exaggeration -- one of my best vacations ever. Our Brady Bunch situation worked out perfectly. All six of us in the three bedroom apartment... and we all worked. I'm sure it's made easier by the fact that J's girls are so much older than my boys -- so there's no direct competition. But still. They disciplined my kids when and where it was needed & not once did I hear my boys say: "You're not the boss of me!" But accept it & move on. Comfortable that it came from a good place. AND J's daughter even once referred to my kids as her "Step-brothers." (!!!!!!!!)

J came with me back into NYC -- to my office - to clean off my desk. I have to say, I was a mess. It was not a good day. BUT - I got to see some of my co-workers, and get more affirmation that they felt the punishment far, far out weighed the crime... so that helped a bit with the processing.

We had people over almost every night, went kayaking, biking, I did lots of reading, am the tannest I think I've ever been... and ate well.

We had the ultimate luxury for an apartment dweller: washer/dryer and dishwasher. And, let me tell you - the amount of clothes, dishes, and food used by six people? NOT insignificant. So in that sense, those appliances were NOT luxury items!

Between J and his girls we had three lap tops there -- and while it felt strange to me to have a computer on vacation (I've historically left all that behind when I've been away...) it was comforting to have -- to apply for unemployment, to start the job search, etc.

I have begun the job search -- although I have to get a new "interview outfit". My old one (you know, black skirt, white shirt, black jacket....) probably does not fit anymore & honestly, I've worn it so much I'm just kinda sick of it. (Like I never ever ever even want to look at it again. Even thinking about it gives me the willies!)

I'm a bit panicked about health insurance. I know I have cobra -- but that will be about $800 a month. (EIGHT HUNDRED A MONTH!!) I talked to my mom & when she asked if I needed help with anything I mentioned that. I might be able to play the Cobra waiting game (where you're covered even if you don't pay for it -- then pay retroactively if you need it) but it's comforting to know it's there if I need it. I'm behind the eight ball financially -- since X has been contributing less due to his changing job situation.

I haven't told X yet. He's in a bad place. When I last talked to him his affect was flat. He's overwhelmed. He's worried about his own job, feels like he spent too much on his wedding.... etc, etc (You know, X stuff...). But I know the signs. It's amazing how when I hear him talk like that *I* get nervous. I tell myself, I'm not married to him anymore... but when he gets into these moods it's when he gets mean.

X and his wife came over for the day --to Long Beach -- bringing the kids back from a weekend with them. I like his wife. I feel for her. I asked her: "You grew up religious, did you not want to have a religious wedding? " She talked about not wanting to do the pre-cana... (sorry, not sure how that's spelled!) & I could hear X's voice. The same with how she kept saying "Well, you know, I'm too old for a big wedding, I didn't really want one...". You know that expression: Methinks thou dost protest too much? Yep. I so wanted to say to her: "It's ok. You can be a good, a caring person -- you can be nice & still have your needs! You can advocate for yourself and for what you want/deserve too!" (Who says therapy does not bring results?!?) But I can't. I will offer myself, though, if I notice her seeming unhappy. Sisterhood.

So, I'm waiting a while to tell him -- probably once school starts. He has had four interviews for a great job (please, keep your fingers crossed!) and if he gets that things will be much easier for all of us. (Financially and mentally.)

So, I guess that's it for now. I'm going out to my parents with my kids from Thursday through the weekend - then school starts. Another year.

And I leave you with an updated Plankton slide show. The fun never ends.

The Travels of Plankton

Or should I say the Travails! My sister got me a Plankton doll about a week ago -- since I always say he's my favorite Sponge Bob character. Since then I've taken him with me everywhere.... And documented it.

And had way, way too much fun!