Woke up this morning....

With the beginnings of a migraine. Not so surprising. Although I was beginning to think that the migraines were just purely hormonal - happening the first Tuesday right after my period. (Really. They've been like clockwork, thank you peri-menopause....) So I'm not quite sure what's going on here..... middle of the cycle? Or just purely stress related? (Although if that's the case, honestly, why don't I have them every day?!?!) And you know what my very first thought was?!? OK - second after I realized "oh shit - better get up and take an Advil right this very second!" Maybe I won't have to fast this Yom Kippur. Yes. I'm such a good Jew.

OK. Lest the five people who read this blog think that my life is entirely doom and gloom, I'm going to write what I actually was planning to write about yesterday morning. After leaving the kids at school, when I actually began the day with a smile on my face. (Really. Walking down the street with a little grin!)

A big thing that's been going on in my life lately is getting my kids to school. Sounds trivial, I know... but I've lost my full time sitter AND they changed the start time of school from 8 am to 8:40 am. When I first knew I'd no longer have the sitter to take the kids to the bus or school in the morning I told my supervisor I'd probably be in by about 9:15 am... bus comes about 7:5-8:00 am... But then. Right. Time change.

So I've spent the past few months trying to work out solutions to not getting into work too late, and if I do... not having to stay too late to make up the time. I worked out a sort of convoluted plan to work later one day a week... BUT - the bus has been coming at the usual time... so it's been OK.

Now it seems they've changed it. There are two bus pick up times.... one at 7:50 - that's for the Extended day kids - so they get into school at the old 8 am time.... and one is 8:20 am.... for the "regular" kids. So, which bus do I put them on? Early, have them sit inside the school building (aides won't let them outside) so I can get to work on time, or later - which is better, but gets me to work later.... (This is getting really long. Sorry! But you know, I feel like you might need some background for this...)

SO - here's the thing. Max does not want to take the bus. At all. He wants to walk. He wants to get to school early so he can hang out with his friends outside and play ball. And the thing with this is - it has taken him up until this year to make a group of friends. He's social & everybody likes him... but he hadn't really connected with a "friend." At his last birthday party, he only wanted to invite two people and he has little or no play dates. So I'm really happy that he's settling in. The two boys he plays with are not in his class - so he only sees them before school, lunch and after....

So OK. Max wants to walk. But if we get there that early that means that Nathan... who is not yet so comfortable there - has to get there early and sit in the cafeteria. With the breakfast kids and any early kindergarten kids. It's isolating and a bit scary.

ALSO - walking them, or bringing them a bit later as a compromise messes MY schedule and brings me into work later. So there's that. A mix where really nobody is entirely happy.

BUT - yesterday (missed the bus) I bumped into Max's friends mom. The dad walks him to school Mon-Wed, she brings him Thurs - Friday. She said to me "Hey, how about I walk Max and Nathan when I go in with B?" I can stay here with them, watch them, then drop Nathan off when it's time to go in?"

Can I tell you? Can I just tell you? There I was, wracking my brain, trying to figure this all out... figuring I'd just have to be late to work every day, work later, so I could walk them every once in a while, so Max could have his social time and Nathan won't be there so early.... and wouldn't that totally, totally suck... and Poof! Solution!

So now, Mon-Wed they take the bus, and Thurs - Friday they walk. They all get to play outside (and can I also tell you about the heart swelling moment yesterday, when Nathan was playing ball with the "big kids" and me realizing how nice Max is... letting Nathan play with them, encouraging him... And Max's friends... also not saying "Max, why is your little brother playing with us?!?" But also encouraging him... Max waited a while to find friends... but they're good ones.)

So, the mom said "you can go, I'll watch them, I'll drop Nathan off..." and I left. Huge grin on my face Feeling really good. Thoughts like "it does take a village" and "sometimes things do work out" and "things are finally clicking" and "this will be a good year" floating through my head. And how I have to write about this in my blog... it just feels so good.... this moment...

Then of course the rest of the day happened - that I wrote about below. But I want it noted for the record that it started off perfectly fine, and that I'm really not as depressing as this blog might seem. Really! You can ask anyone! (Except all the people I complain to!)

Mamma never told me there'd be days like this...

My Day:

Up at 5:38 a.m, shower, dress, feed kids, dress kids. (I'm slow in the morning; need lotsa time...)

7:50 am - out to make bus that is supposed to come at 7:50.

Miss bus.

7:55 walk to school.

8:07 meet Max's best friend & his mom. She offers to stay with kids so they can play outside until school starts 8:40 am (don't ask, they changed the start time. It's hell.)

8:30 - get to bus stop. Takes to long for bus; walk to subway.

9:30 am at work.

Eat power bar, various nuts, open up new box of Fiddle Faddle. Eat some.

11:00 am - Home visit. Client depressed. Wife a negative nag. I leave with promise from man that he will come visit me tomorrow.

Eat more fiddle faddle.

12:30 - talk to geriatric care managers who had been working with my client. his home attendant had been stealing from him.

Talk to endless stream of clients. Cannot get off phone.

2:00 pm - eat apple.

2:30 pm - supervisor calls - Have I spoken to new student intern about charting? About what forms to do? Uhhh... no.

3:00 pm - talk to former colleague about client mentioned in yesterday's post. Feel better.

Eat more Fiddle Faddle (down to crumbs now. Remember this was a new box.)

3:45 leave to meet client mentioned in yesterday's post & her brother.

4:30 - sit on bench outside clients apartment for 5 minute rest. Suddenly remember! Tennis Lessons! Max had a lesson today at 4, but I forgot to tell the sitter! (Of course his tennis clothes are right on the chair - but does that remind him? Apparently not.) Call Tennis center - Max can go at 5. Tell sitter.

4:42 - remember have to drop something w/supervisor! Run to office. She's gone.

4:58 - Grab a pizza from Hot Nosh at work. (Jewish agency, ya' know. Hot Nosh. They're open 24/6! Seventh day they rested... get it?!?)

5:02 - burn tongue on blasted kosher dried out HotNosh pizza!

5:08 - on subway.

5:09 - asleep.

5:46 - wake up startled, somebody's hair in my face. Nice. Don't ask.

6:00 pm - at West Side Tennis Club to pick up Max. (Love that place... so posh n' all...)

6:35 - walking home. Max asks/tells/yells/whines at me to hold his racket. I'm carrying two bags. I say something about perhaps we could switch and he could hold my 20 lb bag and I'll hold the racket.. He whines/cries/yells the whole walk back. It was so nice to have such a stress free walk.

7:00 pm - Max has to do his homework - plus his current events that he saved until.... say it with me now: The Last Minute. Of course. So, he has to read a story and write about it. He's exhausted. I'm exhausted. We haven't eaten. He screams. I scream. The neighbors close their windows.

8:00 pm - eat bowl of cold cereal.

8:45 pm. Kids fed (Kid Cuisine tv dinners... please forgive me!), homework done (ok, I "helped" him more than I should have... but he was so tired....)

9:00 pm - Bath.

9:45 pm - they're asleep.

10:00 pm - I make lunch for tomorrow. Pack up for overnight w/parents for Jewish Holy Day....

11:00 pm - blogging. Why aren't I asleep?

You know, I have some friends who lovelovelove to always be busy. Always have something to do, always be moving.... can't sit still! Gotta go! Gotta do! NOT ME. I need down time. I need to fart around on the computer. I need to chat on the phone. I need...... well heck - just to sit and stare off into space. Days like this, I do not enjoy. They also give me a good window as to why my weight might just go up and down... (ya' think?!?! Fiddle Faddle anyone?!?!?)

The bad, and the ugly...

Just found out that one of my clients. One of my first clients from when I starte here, so I've known her for over a year... is dying. She's only 62. She has been receiving substandard medical care from the first day I saw her. I kept trying to get her to switch doctors, but she wouldn't. She had a young resident/intern at a local clinic. I actually think she had a crush on him...

He just left & she finally agreed to see another doctor. The doctor just called me. She said: "Are you sitting?" Her body is riddled with cancer. The doctor could see this just from a home visit. No tests. No machinery. Her breast is deformed. Her lymph nodes... swollen...

Can you imagine, she's been seeing this other doctor for who knows how long. He's never seen it? Never noticed?!?

He's been treating her for one thing. The thing he thought was wrong with her. He never looked for anything else. THe doctor today said the other illness is SECONDARY to her cancer. She says they probably won't even be able to treat it.

The doctor herself was in shock. She said she needed time to absorb it. She said it was overwhelming. The client is blind, but she must have realized what was happening... Dr. said client is in denial... which I guess is why she never noticed what is happening...

I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. And the worst thing is... this client is SO difficult. SO difficult. I try to do so many things for her, and she won't accept. So at times I just stop. I don't call her. And now.... of course... I'm thinking... shouldn't I have pushed her harder? Told her again, and again, and again to switch doctors?!? I tried once, twice - she wouldn't do it. I gave up. I'm too busy. She's too difficult. She's "resistant." What if she was resistant because she knew there was something bad to find?!?

Oh man. This one is tough. I haven't really cried over too many of my clients... you know, they're seniors... they die.. it's organic. It's natural. THey've reached the end of their lives, good, long lives. But this?!? This?!? So unneccesary. And I was there all along.