This one is pretty good

This is courtesy of Diary of a Single Mom - Bold everything you've done...

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain (What qualifies as a mountain? In NZ they call some pretty big hills, mountains... so I'm going to say "yes."
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it (absofrigginlutely)
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (A Mets game?)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa.
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper (!!!)
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne (not generally something you want to get drunk on...)
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb (on a ferry in NZ - next to a farm truck... a little, little baby lamb...)
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster (ok, it was a kids' rollercoaster, but that still counts, right?)
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking (no. was not sober.)
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
. 42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
.47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs (heh, heh... yes)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business (does a lemonade stand count?)
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured an ancient site
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played Dungeons & Dragons for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice (ok, I guess it was more like a ferry...)
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised (raising) children (child)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour (David Johansen, Freshman year - didn't follow him much more than from DC to VA.... but still!)
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge (tried to. Had to stop. Thing with that bridge, is it's so high up! I mean, if it was lower then there wouln't have been a problem...)
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication (soon, soon)
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states (not sure; could be a tie).
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper (local paper - was about 10 in Halloween costume!)
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
l131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair (I did that purple celophane thingy in the 80's.. but it wasn't permanent.)
147. Been a DJ (Do pre-school birthday parties count?)
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident (err, yes. Walked in front of car. Got hit. He hit another car. Not a proud moment. Luckily, nobody (seriously) hurt.)
150. Saved someone’s life (Well, I think some of the things I've done as a social worker, if I'm permitted to brag a bit, has at least improved the quality - if not the duration - of somebody's life...)

It's all about me, me, ME!

So, here comes today's big confession: I'm a selfish, selfish woman. I simply cannot devote as much time and attention to my kids as they need.

The tough time is right after work. I come home, I need to read my mail, read my email, change out of my work clothes, and just really debrief myself. Problem is, of course, that my kids have not seen me all day and have lots of things to show and tell me.

And I just. Cannot. Deal. I have told them time and time again: "please, let me change into my sweats. Please, let me put down my bag, take off my shoes... just sit for a few minutes..." but they can't. And I can't. And it makes me feel so awful, and each day I say to myself: "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will do all that stuff later and just focus on them when I get home." And I still can't.

If they wake me at 2, 3, or 4am - I can focus on them. In the morning, I can focus - but please, the time between 6-7 pm... I need it for ME. I just do.

It's kinda nice outside

Because, well - both J and I have been outted. He told his kids about me, and I told my kids about him. Meaning, I used his name and the word boyfriend in the same sentence.

Max kinda made the "Yick Girls" face when I told him. He likes J - they both really do - but I know that whole boys/girls cooties thing was definitely at play there. I said to him: "What does it mean, to be a boyfriend/girlfriend?" And he goes, in typical Max fashion: "That means you love them and blah, blah, blah..." Basically: Leave Me Alone. Can't You See Power Rangers Is On? (Ok, I should have waited 'til after, but.... I couldn't! Come on, cut me some slack! I've been waiting to tell them for a long time - and I guess I reached saturation point & it came out!)

J has told his kids about me - and of course since they're older they have a whole other set of responses, feelings, and questions.... and that's going to be a bit more of a challenge to negotiate. And not a challenge in a bad way - but they will be looking and listening for different things than my two will - that's for darn sure!

And on another note: For a whle there X had been caling the kids every night. He hadn't done that for a while... but he started again. He has since stopped. I wonder how it's going to be now that the kids will only see him every other weekend? It seems so strange to me... I know it's "usual" but I also know it does not have to be that way. J. travels back and forth and hither and yon to see his kids, he is missing out on lots of alone/me time for himself, but is carving out a schedule that includes them as a big priority. And EX is living a few doors away from his X & the kids just travel back and forth between the two houses. They actually consider them both their "homes" - not "Mommy's House" or "Daddy's House." Interesting that the two men I date post X are like that... or I guess, maybe not so (interesting. surprising.)

Sometimes it feels like, somebody's watching me...

So this weekend I all of a sudden remembered something that I totally had forgotten. I mean, totally. About X. Like when I even started with my shrink, soon after we decided to split, and I reeled off to her the litteny of things that were so awful about him. About our relationship. I forgot about this. The watching.

Before we were "seriously" involved but had been dating for a while I remember very clearly being out on a date with X. We were at what would become our favorite Chinese restaurant on West 72nd Street. And he said to me: "Are you putting on weight? You know, that sometimes women let themselves go when they're involved with somebody... and I was wondering if you've been putting on weight? It's very important for men to have women who are in shape."

I looked at him. Aghast! How could he?!? WHat was he saying? I said something like, what if I am? And something like: "but, but.... I thought that you love somebody no matter what?!? Weight isn't supposed to matter!" To which he responded something like: "That's what guys say, but that's not really what they feel. Ask any guy - they like women who are in shape, and yes, once the attraction wears off... because the woman has stopped taking care of herself.... well the guy will look elsewhere."

So, instead of stalking furiously out of the restaurant I thought "Really!? That's really how it is?! Am I so idealistic to think that things like that don't matter?!?"

And thus began X's obsession about how I look. What I wear, how I put on my make up, the color of my hair... And all of these things I have remembered But this weekend I remembered how he watched. me. He would watch what I ate. "You're eating a lot for such a little person." "Are you sure you want that? It's so fattening?" "Well, I don't know, should we go for that icecream? Have you gone for a run today?" Or just the look. Looking at me. Watching me. Passing judgement on every item of food that would pass through my lips.

So, I'd eat my treats at work. I"d sneak food when he wasn't there. Why I didn't just tell him to shut the fuck up and leave me the hell alone you stupid obsessive compulsive freak?!? I have no idea. Obvioulsy I had/have my own set of body image issues that would have allowed me to put up with that. Somehow believing him.

So, you know, soon after he moved out I lost weight. Lots of weight. And before I go on, something has to be clarified here. I have never, by any stretch of the imagination, been even what you would call fat. Or even somebody you would look at an think "she needs to lose a few pounds. My ideal weight is 105-107. I usually hover around 110-113. I think the most I've ever been is 118. But, since I am small each pound really does make a difference. It makes a difference as to how my clothes fit, etc, etc.

After X moved out I went down to 105. Just like that. The pounds fell off. I felt so good. But now what's starting to happen is I feel like I'm puttning weight on again (and I don't know how much, I can just tell by how my clothes fit) & I'm realizing all these feelings it's conjuring up in me...

But it was just so weird to remember how that was... being in a restaurant, and thinking about what I *really* wanted to eat, but how I knew X would make a comment - so I'd order the steamed veggies, with the sauce on the side, and no, no thank you, I don't feel like dessert tonght.....