FI

I wrote in my Xanga Blog that we're going to Fire Island today. So you can read about it on that blog. I don't think I can keep up the double blogging. Or else I have to figure out which one is which theme.

Pretty Cool

So, I don't know if you guys remember this: When my brother, Adam, was in the news for singing the Star Spangled Banner at the innauguration of the new Mayor of Glen Cove. It was a fairly big event. THen he received the citation at the city council meeting... so that was kinda cool, too.

WELL - tonight he's going to be singing at the Rose Ball. The Rose Ball is the major yearly fund raiser for the AHRC (Association to Help Retarded Children - an organization that just cries out to be renamed, considering they're no longer called "Retarded" nor are a large majority of them children...)

So, that's kinda cool - he's singing the Star Spangled Banner at this major black tie event... and my parents get to go too - for free. BUT - now here's the cool part - he's gonna get his photo taken with Hillary Clinton! Her press team have been on the phone all day w/my parents & my dad's freaking out that he doesn't know how to get the old photos off his new digital camera.. and how will he take pictures?!?

And another cool part - my Dad went to pick Adam up today, from the main AHRC Campus, on Brookville, Long Island - and ALL THE PEOPLE THERE seemed to know. My dad was telling me how the busses were lined up to pick up the clients - and the drivers gave Adam a thumbs up, the receptionist: "You show them, Adam!" The other clients there: "Adam, show them what you can do, show them what we can do!" Ok. Kinda brings a tear to my cynical eye as well...

My Dad said to a friend of mine - he was talking to her at Max's party - that he thinks that my sister & I went into non-profit & "helping professions" because of my brother. That is sensitized us. That made me think... I remember growing up & when a friend would say "You retard!" I'd retort (!) with "Retarded people are just the same, they just learn slower..." So, maybe he's right.

Check it out!

My little boy's first blog post. I'm so proud... :)

Separation....

Dunno - can't think of a picture to go along with this. Had three things happen the past few days - and they're kinda different, but when I thought of them this morning realized that they are oh so the same.

1) Yesterday morning the X called me - "do you have a minute to talk?" I was jumping into the shower but asked what was up. He goes: "I had an awful week at work..." A bit stunned, I thought to myself "ok, this is strange - where do I go with this?" But, I sat down and said "Ok, tell me what happened."

Two thoughts ran through my mind: 1) he really has nobody to talk to; 2) I'm a social worker. This is what I do - so just do it.

So, I listened to his troubles, gave him a bit of my perspective, some advice, and encouragement. Then jumped into the shower.

This is how it was throughout our relationship. He would do/say something really horrible/mean/hurtful - but not even realize it. "I'm just being honest>' would be his response. I'd be like - "tell me, why do you keep saying these things if you know they bother or hurt me?" "Well, it's just how I feel. Just being honest." He never saw it. So I'd be all in emotional turmoil, then the next day, hour, minute - he'd be like it was nothing.

So, I can see that he sees nothing of what is going on, none of the conflicts, none of the oh so subtle insults: "Well, I have an important job.." as nothing.

But what do I do with this? I can't, just say "I don't want to hear it. Tell somebody who is NOT your ex-wife." Well, I could - but it's not me. He needed to talk. But again, he's getting the continued benefit of our relationship -- probably the best thing (for him) that he got from it - my listening/supportive ear. And I don't have the balls to just tell him to fuck off. I feel sorry for him, but what does that get me? From him? NOthing. Nothing physical, emotional, spiritual. Nothing. And I don't ven get the "Well, you've done a good thing" feeling for myself - 'cause I really feel kinda used. But it still comes back to my feeling sorry for him - and thus not wanting to give him another kick in the butt...

Then this kinda seques into my conversation w/my shrink about X's comment Re: "Important job." She was just like: "Why does it upset you? WHy don't you just think - 'I'm so glad I'm not with him any more! and move on." So, I don't know. I should be separate from him enough that when he makes stupid, dicky, hurtful comments like that that I do just think "whatta dick" and brush it off. But still, here I am, still thinking about it.

Then last night I"m talking to my mom - tell her about X's difficulty getting home last Friday because of the rain & how our sitter had to stay 'til 10:30 & I gave her overtime. My mom: "But HE should have given her the overtime." Me: "But he paid for her car service!" Thinking... whoa, wait a minute, why am I even discussing this with her. It's none of her business.I't's our thing, the X and me - and we are separate, and we pay for separate things & that's that. Mom: "AMY - he needs to be paying for that! Why are you doing it." Me - in a This Is The End of This Subject Voice: "Mom. Because I Did." Mom: "Ok, ok, ok." But I know it's filed away. And it bugged me because I even responeded to her at all.

So oy. I know that some people have a very easy time with this. EX did/does. It's over - this is hers, this is mine - we co-parent together, but that's it. But I feel/know that this whole thing really feels like it's taking much longer than it should. That I'm having difficulty finding the line, that he's having difficulty finding the line... and the peanut gallery doesn't even know what a line is! And the fact that I come from a family with the worst separation anxiety this side of the Rockies... well, doesn't help.

I wonder if/when this stops being a work in progress and we can just all go on our merry ways...

VENT

I don't get it.This was actually going to start off as a one pronged vent - but has just morphed into two.

1) Just saw a posting for a job as a DIRECTOR of a Senior Center. DIRECTOR. Salary: $40,000.00.

Now, there are starting social work salaries that are more than that - but really only at hospitals or nursing homes. But crap. It's crazy. How do they expect to get/keep people in NYC with those sort of salaries?!? Because this isn't entry level - they are asking for people with experience!

So that's one.

2) Look at this site for ohsocoolohsohip kids clothes. $58 for a shirt?

Does anybody else see things as horribly skewed? Or is it just me?

A what?

A Verizon Truck. Yes. That's what I said. Right now, right this very minute, my boyfriend covets a Verizon Truck. (Ok, right now he's probably sleeping, but chances are he's dreaming about a Verizon Truck....)

And think about it. Think about the idea of the truck. It can pretty much park where it wants - because they're Verizon Guys and are on the job making sure we can all use our phones. Plus there are these cool square windows in the back.... See?!?!

Ok. I don't see it too much either. But.... The donut thing I get.

Yes, things are going well with the boyfriend. Really well. Actually, it's kinda scary because there's almost NO Drama. Only fun. How can that be?!? Ok, a little drama... over some housing issues.... He.... well... he still lives in the same house as his not yet Ex-wife. And yes, I've already heard enough from my mom about that. So let's move on. For now. I'll get back to you in a few months with a status check.

We go out and I feel like I spend the whole time smiling. I love his humor. And I love that he's not afraid to take the piss out of me. And how I can tease him. And I love how we have so much in common. And how interesting he is. And the cute little tuft of hair under his bottom lip. (Oy, did I just say that? Cut me off right now! No - I will not start writing Hallmark Cards!)

And you know what made the hugest impression on me. Right when we started dating I told him about this community garden, near my apt. How I thought it was so great. And he did, too. AND - he remembered the garden - and referred back to it. I know it sounds like such a little thing.... but I don't know. It struck me. I suppose being with somebody for so long who is SO self-centered... it was nice to feel heard.

And oh - I can't keep my hands off him. (Did I just say that? Well, I believe I did!) Which is kinda cool, too.

Remember the last boyfriend? So much drama. All the time with the drama. When will he be here? What about dating other people? Why is he not emailing back? ONe could, of course, make a very good case that dating somebody who lives in another country is not really the way to go. But, it was good. It was. It was what I needed at that time, and I think we both really filled a need for each other. Don't forget - it was only a year after the X had moved out... and we hadn't even started concrete visitations. EX pushed and helped me to get that started.

We're still in touch - email/instant messenger (he knows I'm dating & he is dating as well - although he does not want to hear at all about J & I'm kinda curious about his.... is that a male female thing? Or just an Amy Strange Thing?) & he emailed me a few weeks before he came to NYC mid May. Did I want to go with him to see a modern dance show? The same one we had seen last summer.

I mentioned it to boyfriend (hereafter referred to as J.) who was like: "ok, but I'll honestly be a little jealous." So, I told E. (hereafter referred to as EX - not to be confused with X) that I could not go. I know that jealous feeling - and why give it to somebody I care about when the show really didn't mean that much to me?

So, there it is. Like most of my posts it kinda deviated a bit from its intended theme.... but I think you get the picture: It's been three months. All good. And I anticipate more to come.

Rainrainrainrainrainrain

It has been rainingrainingrainingrainingraining here in the NYC area. I mean, it's just crazy. As one of my clients might say "Enough, already!"

Yesterday I overheard two of the clients talking, and one said to the other: "You know, my mother always said, if it rains on Shavous, it will rain for 40 days...." Can't say I really like that thought.

I mean, the city was in total chaos Friday -- from that snap rain storm. Sure, there was a lot of rain in a relatively short period of time - but you would think that the subway system has been exposed to that before.... Virtually everything came to a standstill.

Now there's more today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next... I think until Sunday. And before we know it - the summer will be over.

Yes. Ok. A bit much. But I'm sick of this rain.

Bad Mood

I'm in a BAD MOOD this morning. I can already feel it. Not a SAD BAD MOOD - more like the: Say The Wrong Thing And I Will Bite Your Head Off BAD MOOD.

So, knowing that, I find myself trying to be extra kind. Sublimatesublimatesublimate the mood. "Oh, Amy, you're so nice!" "Mom - wow - can I really watch Power Rangers ALL DAY Saturday?! That's so great! You're so cool!"

Ha!

If they only knew.

Wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm supposed to get my period tomorrow? Nah.

TurWHATken?

TurDUCken. I just found out about it this weekend, and I"m still having a bit of a problem trying to .... errr.... digest the concept. (Ok, I"m not above throwing in the cheap joke every once in a while!)

I gather this - bird - is three birds in one. Three de-boned birds (which is already kinda yucky) and they're stuffed into each other?!?

I know, I know, it's strange. I"m not a vegetarian, I'm not really ever involved, thinking about, food/animal stuff. Got enough to worry about with people de-boning each other.... (yick).

But this really makes me want to organize Donald, Tom, and Chester have them put on their picket signs and PROTEST.

Any of you guys ever eat it? THoughts?

I'm here!

I feel like one of the Whos in Whoville! "We are here, we are here, we are here!" I feel like I haven't posted in a long time -- but when I looked, it actually was just this last Friday. (Wait? Last Friday? Wasn't I at work?)

Had a really great weekend. SPent it with the boyfriend, in NYC. I was actually very lucky, because the subways were totally down. There was about 1/2 hour of a down pour, and it flooded everything.

So, instead of schlepping back to Queens with the rest of the poor shlubs (and don't be offended poor shlubs, for I am usually one of you!) I got to stay in a shlub free hotel. (Well, shlub free except for the drunken tourists singing at the bar in the hotel restaurant. Don't ask.)

The X didn't get home until 10:30 pm - left at 5. He lives only about 30 miles away from NYC... My poor sitter didn't get home 'til after 1 am!

I went out for happy hour with a friend from work. Had two mojitos.- which was probably 1 and a half mojitos too many. But it was soooo good. Fresh mint. Served with a piece of sugar cane.... It was nice, and I think I've mentioned this before - in one or another blog that it was nice to go out with the "girls" . I don't do that enough.

On Saturday night we went out to a burlesque cabaret. I actually just found out that this cabaret used to be the "Blue Angel Cabaret"but is now called "Le Scandal" It was SO COOL.

And I can't even say what it was, in particular, that was the "coolest." The sword swallowing was amazing - had me putting my hands over my mouth in shock - and the strippers/burlesque act was great. I think, actually, what I liked about that the most was that the strippers had "normal" bodies. Legs a little lumpy, stomach not perfectly flat... and yet they were so sexy, so comfortable with their bodies. Really good female role models - in a warped burlesque kinda way.

AND - there was another show going on in front of us. A table full of twenty-something girls, and one 40ish man (oh so slightly overweight - think Jackie Gleason) trying to ply the most scantily clothed of them with alcohol. He'd just wander over, give her a shot - say hi - and walk away. I stopped paying attention to that show, to watch the burlesque show - and the next thing I knew - she had her head down on the table. Passed out.

Did THAT deter him?!? Come on readers - what do you think?!? Not in the least. WHen we left I caught him talking to her friend, mentioning how he'd take her home & the friend saying "Uh No, I don't think so."

Oy.

I must mention that this cabare is at The CUtting Room - co- owned by Chris Noth - who I happen to have a bit of a crush on.... Not that it had anything to do with my enjoyment of the night, or the weekend. But I just like to write Chris Noth. ChrisNothChrisNothChrisNothChrisNoth.