Friday, June 02, 2006

Again with the Guilt

This morning Nathan comes out of his room... with a kinda sad, kinda grumpy look on his face. I ask: "What's wrong?" He says: "Is today Daddy's?" "Yes, today is Daddy's."

To which he looks at me and responds: "Why is it all the time Daddy's? Daddy's, Daddy's Daddy's? When is it Mommy's? I want Gwen."

Of course, you know, it was the last three words that were the real knife in the gut.

I know, I know, I know, it's ok, it's normal, it's good. I know that.

But - the segue - from going to the X's, to him wanting his sitter... weill - you know, he double barreled me!

And for those of you who have been "with me" since Max's birth... you know about all the soul searching, mind wracking, and babbling on and on I've done about my issues with work, sitter, staying at home, etc, etc, etc. And I think I've gotten to a good place with that.

But every once in a while....

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Thoughts on an "Important Job"

So I started this whole long post - was pretty much done with it - wanted to check one thing... and Poof! Gone! What's THAT all about?! I wonder if I can recreate it.... But you know, all the thought, magic, that... I don't know what - that je ne se qua - that goes into the creation of a post. Can I recreate it? Can I rebuild?

The post was brought on by a comment made by the X. He had the kids one night & called me early the next morning - Could I make Max lunch that day. He had been too busy to go food shopping. When I mentioned that I had been just a wee bit busy myself, he said something about having an Important Job.

I immediately agreed: "Yes, yes, your job is so much more important..."

What?!? YOu're thinking: "Did the pod people come and take over Amy?!?" Actually, I just let it go. I've at least gotten one thing out of my paying my shrink the big bucks - and that's the fact that try as I might, I can't change the X's world view. So, just learn how to deal with it.

So,anyhow, that just got me thinking about the value one puts on ones' job. Like I love being a social worker. Since I started I realized that it is just the job for me. Tailor made. But, notice that I don't write about social work stuff on this blog. And I'm not a member of a social work blogring.

Still, my most important job is the Mom job.

I'm staying at my three day a week job because they appreciate and respect that there. They know I'll do my job & work hard, but they also know and respect that family is very important. And that I'm a single mom.

I've worked at places where it was hell taking off a few hours in the morning... and I'm not going to go through that again.

Then the other thought train that this took me on was the fact how the X does not see it like that. (Yes, I know - read above paragraph re: shrink & changing his world view...)

But it makes me sad - and I'm not really sure who for - that he's so tangentially involved in their lives. He has them for about 9-10 nights a month & when he doesn't have them it's as if they're not there.

And I understand that he really took/takes his role as the primary bread winner seriously. He can't take off days, or leave early... His theory was that if I'm working the crunchy non-profit job, one of us needs to make the money to support us in the lifestyle we've become accustomed to... Whatever.

So, what? Where am I going with this? Is it random babbling, or does it actually have a point? (Does anybody really know what time it is?) Importance is in the eye of the beholder, and the relative worth that job brings to the person? I 'spose.

But DAMN he pissed me off.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

End of the Summer

So, here's the thing. Tomorrow is June first. I simply cannot believe that May is almost over and we're getting into June. Time is just going far, far too fast. I hear that we're going into June and I automatically spiral out into: "The Summer is Almost Over!" But of course it's not. But it just feels like time goes so fast that before I know it, the three months I wait so eagerly for all year - will soon be gone. Then it will be Autumn and my kids a grade older... then it will be winter and I'll be a year older, seriously venturing into my 40's...

And have I mentioned that tomorrow is my half birthday? Yes in deedy doo.