Friday, December 15, 2006

It could

It really could - count, that is. Because when I look back on the numbers, like I just did, I have no idea if that 30 is made up of lots of little posts like this, or deep, insightful, meaningful posts.....



If I write lots of short posts, does that count?


Yikes - look at June! I posted THIRTY times that month!

Better get on it.

So much has changed

So I was just thinkin'.... I don't know if you read in my other blog - but I sprained my left quad (I"m just going to call it a quad because I don't know how to spell it and I'm obviously just too plain lazy to look it up.) and that has made things here just a bit chaotic. Not too much, but a bit.

(Warning: somewhat sappy post ahead!)

But what has made me feel so, so good about this is - when I fell and called my office my boss said "Take a cab here - we'll pay." She called me that night: "feel better, we're thinking about you, don't worry about work" she called the next day: "how are you doing?" AND - she left a message on my voicemail yesterday telling me that if I dare to come in today she will send me home. She wants me to rest & make sure I'm better.

Now I'm not totally naive - I know that part of that is selfish - that I should get better now or risk having it be worse & take more time off later. But still. Last time I got sick - when I was at the nursing home - I came in coughing out a lung. I'm thinking...."there's something very wrong with my going into patients' rooms hacking like I'm in a TB ward.." But my boss never said anything... and any time I wanted needed time off it was soooo difficult.

And then J "I would have come to the ER with you!" And "Take care of yourself or I'm going to come over & make sure you do!" I'm sure some of you remember when I had walking pneumonia. This always stays with me, because it's so indicative of X - and it was right before we split. But I phoned him from the Dr - after the diagnosis: "I have walking pneumonia - can you pick me up at the subway to take me to pharmacy to get meds?" "No - I'm taking my mom to the museum." (It was January. His mom was visiting for 2 weeks.)

Me (crying) "But I have walking pneumonia! It's cold! Just pick me up, take me over to pharmacy - after I get drugs, then you can go out!" No. Not until I called him a third time - screaming & crying - did he agree. Then left me home. Alone. (My parents came over - with chicken soup.) (Btw - my dad picked me up @ er wed, mom came over to stay with my boys, sister came over to take them to school the next day. At least my family is always constant...)

So, you know - I realize that how it was is NOT how it should be, and how it is now IS (how it should be). But I also know that it could really be different, and I really, truly appreciate it.

It's so cool.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Sometimes Things Work Out

Yep. Sometimes they do. Actually, most of the time they probably actually really truly do. Work out. So, let me tell you what worked out - and no, it wasn't me. Although I probably did more running this weekend than I"ve done in a long while...

As any of you who have read my other blog know - X did not have the kids this past weekend like he was supposed to. BUT, did I let him get to me NO! I didn't! (Ok, a little wee bit...) I just decided that he doesn't want them, then fine - I'll just work with it. The kids are still asking when they're going to go over his place... and my best answer is the 29th - because that's when. Honestly, I don't know what to say. I just don't.

So, J. came over Friday night, and stayed for the weekend. It was sooo great. So great. He came after the kids were asleep & so surprised them in the morning! Then, he bought them a baseball bat & whiffle balls & we all went to play baseball... The kids are so comfortable with him, and it's obvious that they enjoy spending time with him... and the sad thing is, he'll probably be spending more time with them this month than their Dad...

I know you all really really want me to go into excrutiating detail about the day,or about the weekend, but suffice it to say... we just all hung out, relaxed, and played. It was so wonderful. So great. So comfortable, normal, fun, relaxing... just made me feel so good.

And I've been trying for the past hour or so to figure out the right words to describe this. Because of course I just can't take things as they are... I have to think about them... but also this has all been so overwhelming to me.... To feel so loved - for who I am; to love so much - such a wondeful person, to really feel a part of a team... not alone.... Maybe those are all the words I need.