So I've been going out w/J for about a year and a half... actually well heck - nearly two years! The whole thing has actually been a wonder to me. A wonder. It's been a year and a half (nearly two years!) of real learning.
I learned, first of all, that I was never in love with X. It's a strange thing to come to terms with, seeing as how I did marry the man and have two children with him... I mean, I thought I was in love with him. I remember thinking: "I want to be with him. I cannot live without him." But it was not love. Perhaps it was possession? Perhaps it was fear of being alone? Perhaps it was years of learning how to date, to flirt, to trying to find a guy in the tough NYC market... finding one and thinking: "Ok, he's cute, he's smart, we click and he's not like the others..." Most likely, like most things, it's a combination of all of that with a few other random neurosis, insecurities, fantasies, etc, etc thrown in for good measure.
But now. First there was the overwhelming feeling. The happiness. The "This Man Is Perfect." The "Nobody Has Ever Felt This Way Before." The "Ok, Maybe You've Been in Love Before, But it's Never Been as Perfect as This." (Jeez, aren't I insufferably smug?)
And now it's changing some more. And I notice it because I know that I was not in love the first time, so I am aware of all the feelings this time. I am hyper aware. Like this is a study I am a part of. (I'm such a romantic!) I notice that when we do things for each other... how the feeling changes. Deepens. Trust gets built. Connections tighten. We argue. We talk. We resolve. We get past it, and another connection gets built. It's alive. It's organic. It's a flowing, changing thing.... this love.
I never knew.
I remember when Nathan was born, and I held him, I had a set of emotions already there. The package. Love. I could feel it. I had gained it through Max, and there it was... ready for Nathan. It was a strange, palpable feeling. Here he is. Here is this Love. I learned a type of love, the maternal love, through Max... even though I loved him right from the start... it was a seed. It grew.
Siiiggghhh..... I don't know. I don't know what the point of all this is... (this post. Nothing deeper than that, folks - just referring to the post!) as often happens with this blog most of this is really just random brain spew. Stuff circulating around in there... looking for some sort of release. But it's good. I'm lucky. I'm happy. It's good.
And oh - for those who are following along... I kept the orange wrap. It's sooooo luxurious... I have officially become a cashmere snob. That's it. Only cashmere for me.
OkBloggy people. Here's the thing. I bought three of these cashmere wraps on sale at Banana Republic. It was originally $99.. and with the sale and coupons I got it for about $50. So I bought three. One for my mom for Hanukkah, one for me (so why not?) and one for my sister for her birthday in March (already got her her Hanukkah present...).
OK. So. I got two in cream/white and one in this...orangish color called "ruddy." It's not a bright orange, but not quite a rust. It's nice.
But here's the thing. I cannot decide which one I want to keep for myself! I. Cannot. Decide.
I think... "Oooh, nice to have a different color, most of the things you own are black, greenish khacki (no idea how to spell that and spell check is of no help!) or grey..." and I also think "this is expensive. I should get something I'd get the most use out of. I should keep the white so I will be assured it goes with everything."
I know. I'm crazy. I'm home today (getting sick & have so much to do with stupid Hanukkah so early this year... wrapping presents... doing paper work, cleaning....) so I have a bit more free time to ponder these weighty, weighty topics.
I was thinking... I could give the white one to my mom... see how it looks on her & then decide which one I want to give my sister... but here's where I just make things more difficult for myself: I. Want. It. Now. Donotwanttowait. WanttowearitrightnowwhenIgopicktheboysupatthebus.
I know. I frustrate myself too.
eta - just checked BR website - it's already sold out!