What a loooong week!

I don't know, guys, doesn't it feel like this week is just dragging on.... I keep thinking tomorrow is Friday - and it's not!!!

Yesterday I went to meet with the "review attorney" the one who I reviews the divorce agreement X and I worked out with our mediator. She is out outside eyes.

I didn't realize it, but I must have been really, really nervous about seeing her - which I think also played into my mood on Monday. When I left her office I just felt such a huge surge (hmm, where have I heard that word before?) of relief!

But, I'm sure you're curious! What did she say, what did she say?!? Well, I'll tell ya'. She said it looked like a good agreement. The one thing that she said she felt I should try to change was that we would split college costs 50-50 -- she felt it should be pro-rata.

She also said that "add-ons" like extra curriculars, child care while the mother works, and summer camp would actually be mandated pro-rata if we did this through the court. I knew that about child care, did not know that about the others.

X had said he would pay pro-rata child care - but put a cap on it. So if I wanted to pay a sitter more than $10 an hour I'd be paying the extra.

She also said that any court would make him pay his pro-rata share of Hebrew School/Religious Education. She said the court always sees value in that. When I explained X's... issues.. with Hebrew School (and this really has nothing to do with his religion - I know Jewish people who do not like to send their kids to Hebrew School for the same reasons as X). She told me that it would probably cost about $20,000.00 if I wanted to take him to court for it. Ummm, no thanks.

Also, honestly, I just can't fight him over this one.

So, she's going to ask/tell his attorney that I would like him to pay full pro-rata for child care & also camp & extra currics & we'll see what happens. Hopefully his attorney will say "well, if you went to court you'd have to..." and he'll give. If not, it's still definitely liveable.

But you know, I was just so glad that she didn't tell me that the agreement was crap. That she didn't say something like: "What the heck is the matter with you?!? You let him get away with so much!" I've become so unsure of everything... people are all like "get as much as you can, get as much as you can" and I'm stuck feeling like 1) I need to get enough for the children; 2) if I bankrupt this man, or he's not living in the style that he feels he should - then he will, quite honestly, make my life a living hell.

Which is worse?

Throughout this whole process (it feels like) not one person has said to me "Amy, you know what you're doing." Or, "Yes, that was a good decision." More like they're all kinda thinking.... she's too nice, she's too wimpy, she's gonna give in.

And I did - but that's also called negotiation. He did, too.

So anyhow, I felt good that she said that. Really good.

Today I called my parents to tell them about it. Spoke to my mom, the last of the red hot buzz kills. "Oh. She said that?" "Well, what about this? And is he paying for this? And shouldn't he pay more for that?" And I know, I know, I know she just wants whats best. But doesn't she know that all I want is for her to say something like: "That's great. Good job. YOu worked long and hard at getting this agreement done & you must feel good that the attorney said that."

In the end when she realized I was getting a wee bit annoyed she said something like "Well, if you believe that attorney, then I guess that's good." Ugh. And I suppose I have to believe her. I hired her. I have to put my trust in one person, don't I? I mean what? Should I keep looking for attorneys until I get to one who says: "you need to get more, more, more from him?" Then will that be the right one? The one to believe?

I liked this woman. Got a good vibe from her. And honestly, our agreement is not high finance. She even intimated..."well, the numbers involved are not very high..." We have no car, no house, not so many assets (damn that graduate school that sucked them up!) so for her to look through that agreement and see what's what was not so tough.

Also, I did an in detail budget for her & she saw what I needed.

Listen (ok, look!) at me - here I am rationalizing/explaining it to you! Trying to talk myself into it.

Life in the fast lane

As I wrote over yonder today wasn't the best day. I suppose it's only natural... like erosion... the little drips, drips, drips will one day get to you...

Drip: X.
Drip: Annoying clients
Drip: Not listening kids
Drip: drip, drip of the rain
Drip: Just too many things to do & sick of doing it all.

And the sad thing is, I have a great sitter who actually does SO MUCH. I simply cannot, for the life of me imagine how I would (will?) live without her. She cleans, does laundry, finds lost things, buys batteries... imagine all the details of life that fall through your fingers when you have about 25 million things on your mind. Yep. That's her.

And heck, as uninvolved as X was, he would, at times, help me out. If I'd say: "I JUST NEED TO SIT for a minute" he would go read to the kids. Or if I said: "Leave me the hell alone or I'll throw you out the window!" (Note to ACS: This is a joke. I never, ever,ever said that to my children. At least not out loud!) He would somehow intuit that it could be his turn to help out.

Quick on the uptake, that one!

I suspect, though, that tomorrow will be better. I usually only allow myself one day like this every three months or so! So stick around! :)

Long and winding road...

So today I found a photo album I haven't looked at in a while... most of the photos in it were from the beginning of my relationship with X. Some right from when we first met, some from our first "vacation" together (Pennsyvania Dutch), our engagement party...

And I'll tell you -- it conjured up some strange feelings... for the past few years I really could not remember any good times - and good feelings for X. I mean, I knew they had to be there... but I couldn't remember them. Could only remember the bad...

Seeing these photos was a really interesting reminder. What our relationship was like at the start... things we did, day trips, snow storms....parties we went to...

Some were from our first trip to NZ... which was probably the winter after our wedding & I do remember from that trip not feeling entirely comfortable. And when I look at the photos now I see how in each one my face looks perfect. Perfectly made up. ANd I know that was because X was always checking. If you think I had to be perfect with just him... it was intensified with his family just meeting me!

But I really digress. The point of this isn't to talk about all the crap - it's really to point out, and think about, the good. There was good. We had fun. We liked doing similar things... going to strange little ethnic restaurants, finding strange out of the way places.. the rugby games we went to...

And then the pictures from our engagement party... and my dad - with his arm around X's shoulder... welcoming him into our family... and the look on X's face... so happy. He was really so happy to be in a warm, loving, supportive family -- so of course as time went on & he became more attached to them.. he'd put them down more and more

But you know, whatever it was with X - whatever our relationship was... I cannot in any way shape or form compare it to my one now with J. I'm constantly amazed and overwhelmed. Every day. (Tomorrow is 10 months!) I didn't think it was possible to feel this way about a person. Like is this really what it's like?!? (Like how I manage to start and end a sentance with the same word?!?) Amazing.