Tomorrow I am going to a Bat Mitzvah for J's cousin's daughter. I haven't been to a Bat Mitzvah in years, because nobody in my family is in that age group... And. Well. I'm a little nervous.
I don't really like social events. I'm not a good small talker. I'm not a good small talker with people I know.... now with people I don't really know....!
I know. I'm in my 40s (I'm in my 40s!!!!) - I should be able to deal by now. But.... can I say this again? I'm not a good small talker. I hate it. I can have a long and deep discussion with you about world peace, the state of health insurance in the US, anything... but the "Lovely weather we're having" stuff... I always feel like I get stuck.
And honestly? I know that it's a learned skill. And I don't kid myself - I know it's probably a confidence thing, too... But.
All the weight I lost over the summer? Came back in September. That one stressful month... I'm not a tub by any means... but things just aren't fitting me right. And I can't seem to get the weight back off. (And I know, this is totally a theme of this blog. I should re-frame this as Come On Along and join me on as I complain about my weight but really seem to do nothing about it...)
(I'm starting to think that perhaps I should embrace this in my 40s thing and realize that maybe I'm not really able to wear the same sort of clothes I did in my 20s and 30s? Although there's really no reason why I shouldn't feel/look good in a pair of jeans. Even high waisted ones. [NOT Mom jeans! No! No elastic waists!!!])
So, you know that feeling when you're going into a situation where you don't feel 100% comfortable mentally... and then you don't feel 100% comfortable physically, either? I'm just feeling kinda awkward. Shy. Not going into the situation like a Master of the Universe. Like if I felt I looked good, I can just say fuck 'em. I look good. They'll want to talk to me 'cause I look so good.
Yeah. I know. Any issues much? But this is my blog & I have to be honest. (Or, well, I want to be.) That's how I feel. Feel good about myself... all the rest just falls into place. And feeling good about myself is really just so connected to my weight.
Siiiggghh... So. I'm sure it will be fine.
Just feelin' a little nervous.
My friend, Andrew Golkin
1 week ago