Tomorrow I am going to a Bat Mitzvah for J's cousin's daughter. I haven't been to a Bat Mitzvah in years, because nobody in my family is in that age group... And. Well. I'm a little nervous.

I don't really like social events. I'm not a good small talker. I'm not a good small talker with people I know.... now with people I don't really know....!

I know. I'm in my 40s (I'm in my 40s!!!!) - I should be able to deal by now. But.... can I say this again? I'm not a good small talker. I hate it. I can have a long and deep discussion with you about world peace, the state of health insurance in the US, anything... but the "Lovely weather we're having" stuff... I always feel like I get stuck.

And honestly? I know that it's a learned skill. And I don't kid myself - I know it's probably a confidence thing, too... But.

And.

All the weight I lost over the summer? Came back in September. That one stressful month... I'm not a tub by any means... but things just aren't fitting me right. And I can't seem to get the weight back off. (And I know, this is totally a theme of this blog. I should re-frame this as Come On Along and join me on as I complain about my weight but really seem to do nothing about it...)

(I'm starting to think that perhaps I should embrace this in my 40s thing and realize that maybe I'm not really able to wear the same sort of clothes I did in my 20s and 30s? Although there's really no reason why I shouldn't feel/look good in a pair of jeans. Even high waisted ones. [NOT Mom jeans! No! No elastic waists!!!])

So, you know that feeling when you're going into a situation where you don't feel 100% comfortable mentally... and then you don't feel 100% comfortable physically, either? I'm just feeling kinda awkward. Shy. Not going into the situation like a Master of the Universe. Like if I felt I looked good, I can just say fuck 'em. I look good. They'll want to talk to me 'cause I look so good.

Yeah. I know. Any issues much? But this is my blog & I have to be honest. (Or, well, I want to be.) That's how I feel. Feel good about myself... all the rest just falls into place. And feeling good about myself is really just so connected to my weight.

Siiiggghh... So. I'm sure it will be fine.

Just feelin' a little nervous.

Just keeps on coming back...

Just when I think this divorce stuff is over....

Yesterday I went to the kids' parent teacher conference. X went on his own - for the evening session - since I had the day off & it was too difficult to negotiate the evening with Hebrew School, dinner, babysitter interviews, etc, etc, etc.

So.

Max is doing very well academically and socially. His behavior... well... he's easily distracted & just likes to get the work done.... doesn't really focus. I'm not so upset about it, though. This is who he is. He's doing well. He's not disrupting the class. (True he annoys the teacher.. but this is her 2nd year with him, she should know him by now!) So fine.

But.

I'm going through his folder of his written work. Stories. And there's one that goes something like this: "One day, when I was three years old, my mom and dad had a big fight. They went into a room and when they came out my mom told me that my dad would be moving out. I was very sad, My mom said it wasn't my fault and that I would still see my dad."

Uh huh.

And, X told me (the teacher told him) that Max read this to the class.

I guess I'm glad that he's able to get it out, to talk about it, and that he's not ashamed. Although that's not exactly how it happened.. we didn't really fight... but it's how he sees it.

Nathan is also doing very well, but his teacher tells me he's still really nervous. That sometimes he even shakes! He is SO worried he is going to get into trouble! And he's not like Max. He's much more controlled. So we've been talking about that. His teacher is great, though, talks to him, is communicative with me, and is even going to move one of his friends to his table! It's so comforting that he has a teacher that cares.

And ALSO - when I mentioned to her that sometimes it's difficult to find the time, in the evenings, to practice his writing - she understood! She's young, but she said "I know, it must be difficult working all day, single mom..." And it was so nice to not feel like I'm ...... lacking. That she recognizes it and doesn't think I'm not involved. (Ok, so that's my projection/guilt!)

Both kids need help with their penmanship. Any of you who have ever seen my handwriting will understand that this apple is NOT falling far from my tree. My handwriting's awful. Max actually makes me re-write notes I send to his teacher - and sometimes I just type them.

I figure we'll just set up nightly penmanship classes. For all of us.

I'm so excited!!!

I interviewed the BEST babysitter tonight! I'm so psyched! I just offered her the job pending checking one more of her references.

She is 24, studying marine biology (marine biology!!) at NYU, has worked with kids, plays basketball, guitar, totally engaged my kids, loves animals....

You know, I interviewed somebody last night who was perfectly fine.... but something was just holding me back... It wasn't that "this is the ONE" feeling.

Now I have it.

(Doing happy dance!)

Whatta waste

I'm off today. The kids have a half day (parent-teacher conferences) and nobody to pick them up at 11:50 (ugh! One hour! I only have one hour left!!!)

So, I've been cleaning up/out their room.

I've been doing it little by little for a while. We're having a flea market ("Flea Boutique" thank you very much!) at work so I've basically supplied ALL toys.

And now I'm going through the room with a garbage bag. I'm on my second. And let me emphasize that I do not throw out things easily. I'm a semi-hoarder. So, you can imagine what they have in there!

(Hey, do you think I could donate a puzzle missing one piece? To the flea market? It's only one piece....)

But can I just tell you what a huge, massive, colossal waste those hot wheels cars and tracks are? They, quite literally, were played with one time. That's it. Then the tracks are put away & nobody can be bothered to put the tracks back together again. They sit. They get pushed back. They are forgotten.

And today? They're garbage.

So weird

So I've never saved anything as a draft before & then posted it later... just did that today & first I thought it disappeared! Then I saw that it actually posted on the day I first saved it...

What sense does that make? What if I want to write it one day and not post it 'til the next?

What am I missing here?