Monday, March 26, 2007

Good Morning!

Hi! How are you? How's it going? Have a good week? (How long has it been since I posted here last...? Not really sure.) Keeping out of trouble? Good. I'd hate to think that my blogging rate in any way correlated to the amount of trouble you guys got into. (You guys! See how I make my readers plural -- when if I'm lucky there will be one! Ha!)

So anyhow, as you can tell from that introduction I got nuthin'. Nothing to write about. Oh, well maybe....

Facilitating. I had to facilitate a break out group at our all staff "conference" last Friday. All week it was weighing on me. Heck, since I found out about it it was weighing on me. But, my boss said it "looked good" and I was "nominated" to do it because she "knew I could".... and blah blah, blah -- lots of other stuff supposed to make me feel really good about myself. Which. Ok. I suppose it did. But still made me feel nervous as heck.

People don't think I'm shy. I speak up in meetings, always voice my opinion, make little wise cracks.... and they don't think I'm shy. But I do.

Although, I suppose if you analyzed my behavior it wouldn't really seem like that of a "shy" person. But I still see myself like that. Maybe like a really overweight person.... when they lose weight they still see themselves as fat? I don't know. Kind of like a phantom limb, maybe...

So anyhow, I get down to the area where the group is supposed to meet & I'm the first one there. One or two people come & I'm fine with that. I'm fine with chatting. I'm fine with banter. But then they're all there. Twenty friggin five of them! And they are ALL LOOKING AT ME.

So I start & realize I'm drenched with sweat. I talk and realize the minute something comes out of my mouth I have no idea what it was... But they are all looking at me, with the same attentive look - so I must not be making too much of a fool of myself.

I make a little joke. They laugh.

Finally, I start to feel relaxed, and it's over. I bump into one person later: "You did a good job." Wow, did she know I was feeling so crazy about it? Ok, but that was nice.

In the end I feel like I didn't keep them as focused as they should have been. That I didn't really explain what we should have been discussing well enough - but you know - the other group who discussed the same thing came up with the same suggestions... soooooooo Something must've happened.

We went back to the main room. All the directors are thanking me. Thanking the facilitators.... Ok, so now I'm known at the agency. Not a small agency, either. So that's good. I guess. Isn't it?

But I get back to my desk and I crash. Crash, crash, crash. Must. Have. Nap. We got out of work early, I went up to J's place, fed his dog, and crashed a big crash.

It's over.
My friend H. who teaches public speaking says that fear of public speaking is the most common of phobias. She said she will work with me to give me some pointers.

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