Saturday, March 15, 2008

I think I need to start meditating...

(And you know, I almost started to write medicating... which might be ok, too...)

Thursday was parent teacher conference day. I met X & the boys at the school and we all went. The kids got good reports & I was really happy. Max's got amazing scores in reading, and his teacher recognizes that he knows his math - just makes silly mistakes. (Apparently all the boys just want to get their quizzes in first - not caring what the answers are!!) And Nathan's teacher said he's right on track. She showed us how he reads, and also said that he's not as timid with his friends, but is very timid with her.

As we leave X says to me: "What do you think about Nathan's reading. Or lack of it?"

I mention how he's just in his first year of school. But X doesn't hear.

X says: "I think Nathan is so timid because you coddle him. I saw you kiss him after he read that page! You treat him like a baby, that's why he's so timid!" I respond that I think Nathan is so timid - so afraid to make mistakes - because X is so critical.

X states that he is NOT critical. (This is the same man who said to me: "I think Max will do just fine on the gifted test, but I think Nathan will have troubles & maybe should not even do it.") I say that all I ever hear from X about Nathan is critical -- and that while he might not say it directly to Nathan... this is how he feels & this is what he picks up.

X scoffs.

I know I can't even say anything to him, because he won't take it in. He'll say: "I'm just saying it because it's true. I have to speak the truth." He has personality disorder. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a psychiatrist. But I know. Everything around him has to be perfect.

I get so angry at him. So angry. And there's no where to go with it. Friday morning he called. He had the kids - Max's stomach was hurting. I said to give him some pepto or mylanta... He doesn't have. I told him 20 times, in 20 different ways to get it. He didn't. So Max suffers. I say he has to go to school. X says he won't get out of bed. I say he will. Just slowly. I say: "Now you know what I go through every morning." He curses at me and hangs up.

I realize again that the no expectations has to extend to the fact that he will not buy or purchase anything for the boys. If I want them to have these things, I'm going to have to buy them. (I've decided that I'm going to give him a bag of kids' medications for Father's Day.)

So I really have to try to reset my mind. To have no expectations at all. I can't let him get me upset over things that he just will not do. He cannot do. It does no good.

But I still have all the anger. And even if I buy him the meds for the kids, he'll keep saying those things about them. That I can't change.

And the anger that is just starting to sit in my stomach is, at times, overwhelming. I have no where to go with it.

I blog it.

I talk to my shrink about it.

I tell everybody I can about it. I have to get it out.

But I'm starting to think that maybe some sort of meditation.. some way to calm myself down... might be a good idea.

I really just hate him.


Family Adventure said...

I'm so sorry, Amy. That sucks.

But for what it's worth, I think your father's day present idea is EXCELLENT.


Waldo Pharce said...

I would not get him those things for Father's Day. I would not get him anything for any day. The boys would get an emergency bag to take with them with the things they might need. I would record all conversations with him and would turn over the evidence once it was collected to let the authorities see what goes on.
You should NEVER be alone with this very abusive man, NO MATTER WHAT! Have someone go with you on each and every occasion where you might be in personal contact with him. I would not talk to him on the phone and if so I would say,"Our conversations are being recorded." I would tell Max that he, "Must go to school, so if you try to skip I will take away every priviledge known to kids until you are 18 years old!" Then I would explain to him the uneasiness you have with X and would play some ot the recordings so he could hear how bad it is for you.
Nathan deserves better then being the second Male, or whatever this insane A** H*** thinks.
Please don't talk to this man again without some a buffer of some kind. He is so angry it scares me to read about him. It is guys like him who screw it up for all other men. We are not all like him. Some of us sacrifice all we have to make sure our kids grow up and love us.

Sorry I got so upset. ~Waldo

niobe said...

The only thing that works for me when I'm angry to the point that I realize I'm harming myself, is to disengage and redirect. To whatever extent possible, I stop dealing with or talking to the person who's making me angry.

I tell myself that the other person is happy that he's making me angry, so I won't give him the satisfaction any longer. Instead, I tell myself that I feel sorry for him and sad that we can't get along better. And, in fact, much of what I experience as anger really turns out to be sadness.

Could you just ignore the things he says about the boys or just pretend to agree with everything he says? When he says "N is timid because you coddle him," you could say "That's an interesting idea. I'll have to think about it." When he asks for advice, just tell him that you're sure he'll figure it out himself. Since he has no interest in listening to you anyway, maybe you'd feel less frustrated if you stopped trying to get through to him.

These ideas may not help at all, but I really am sorry to hear that you and your kids are in such an impossible situation.

Gwen said...

Yeah, he is a piece of shite. And isn't personality disorder basically impossible to treat? Which means the no expectations thing has to be where you start. The easiest and hardest thing for you to do would be to sue for sole custody. But is that the answer? I don't know. I just want someone really large to sit on his head for a long time, until he stops being such an asswad.

Although Niobe's advice seems ... more mature.

Julie Pippert said...

When you write about your ex I get tense and stressed and wonder, what's up with that, why so emotionally involved?



I can't imagine that he ever called my mother or whined or presented himself as incompetent because the man is ALWAYS RIGHT and PERFECT and it's just the rest of us who suck badly.

But if he had, it probably would have been just like this.

I remember being about 6 or 8 and saying, sick of it, one time, "Will you please never ask me about my mom ever again, please?"

My sister was the one whose stomach hurt throughout childhood whenever we had visits with dad.

I'm the one who grew up rebellious and with authority issues. ;)

Amy, I'm sorry. This sucks rocks for all of you.

Hang in there.

I think Niobe's advice is good, and your instinct to disengage and find ways to relax and care for yourself is very wise.