Monday, March 24, 2008

You Have to Separate....

That's what a co-worker just said to me. That I have to try to keep my home stuff home.. and not let it impact me so much at work.

And she's right.

But how the heck to people do it?!?

Honestly, as you can tell from this blog I've never really been able to keep my stuff in. I haven't figured out, yet, if that's good or bad... and I'm really really trying to learn how/when NOT to spill... (Like the time in high school I told my new employer at the bakery that maybe he did not want me to come in on a weekend... I was new, and not so experienced and maybe.. didn't he think.. the weekend might be a bit much for me? Yeah, he didn't call again.)

I am way, way, too honest & today I got an email from my supervisor. She is starting to "document our supervision for clarity." What does that mean to me? That she's creating a paper trail. I'm not too concerned, because I know I can pull myself back... but it kind of took me by surprise, I guess.

Issues discussed were concerns about personal life kids being sick and
Amy having to miss work. B stated she understood that children are her
priority but she is concerned with how much more Amy can take on and how the
stress is impacting her. Amy said she is trying to keep up with her work and
feels she has been able to. B and Amy also spoke regarding her
monthly stats which have been low since Dec. all full time social workers are to
be pulling in 80 hrs a month. B suggested Amy review her stats and make
sure she is documenting everything.

I had felt like she's supportive.. somebody to talk to... and I guess she is -- but I also guess that she has to be "manager" first.

But lately? This working mom thingy... not really liking it too much. I feel like I can't do either thing well. Not parent or my job. I'm not as good at either as I'd like.

I know it's a tough patch now (Max screamed and screamed this morning - I had to carry him out of his bed - we did not leave the house until 8:10 for an 8:20 bus. He's saying now that he's dizzy, too. He would not move. Didn't eat anything. Didn't even go to the bathroom, I made him dress - practically dressed him. I actually left a message w/the pediatrician for a name of a local therapist. This is almost becoming like a panic disorder & I just do not know what to do.) I come into work every morning with my kishkas in a twist. And I notice it's starting to upset Nathan, too. Max's stomach was FINE over the weekend. FINE. Nathan's fever went away by Saturday... luckily.

Now just to make it through the rest of this week...


Kate said...

I know you have probably already thought of this but I have to ask, what on earth is going on at school that makes him so determined to make your life hell so he doesn't have to go?
Maybe you need someone who you can text message everytime things are gettin you down and you are at work

Gwen said...

Maybe the people who can separate don't have the the life you have ....

I would be careful with your supervisor, though. I know you love your job, in the way it is meaningful, and her e-mail seemed like a little flare, to me, I guess.

As you know, I am not a therapist, but to me, Max's complaints aren't so much about what's going on at school, but about some kind of attention he's not getting. I mean, if they're not just totally physical. Is X still getting married this summer? How do the boys feel about that? Anything new going on with you and J? Maybe all the changes in his life are just too much for him to handle.

But Amy, your morning sounds so very painful. I would be beside myself. I don't know how you CAN separate all of that at work.

Family Adventure said...

Talking to a therapist is a good idea. You need to get to the bottom of this -- it is affecting everything in your lives right now.

Your supervisor has to cover herself. I think that's only to be expected, and doesn't necessarily mean anything. may just try to hang back a bit when it comes to confiding in her.

I am so sorry, Amy. I wish I could be more help to you...hang in there!


Poker Chick said...

You wrote exactly how I feel - that I'm not doing a good enough job at home or at work - I totally get how frustrating that is. I hope this is all just another kid phase that will pass soon.