Monday, July 24, 2006

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!

Yeah. I guess I am. I hadn't really given too much thought to it, but within the past two weeks two separate people have told me that I seems so "happy and content." So, I took an inventory of my feelings and I guess I am.

(I'll give you this moment to gather yourselves together. I know it's pretty shocking. And the thing is, it's not this momentary thing I wrote about a month or so ago... this has been pretty solid.

So let's see....let's work out the equation: great boyfriend + great job + carved out structure w/X + happy kids = happy me.

I think the only thing now that's not 100% is the finances stuff... I mean, the living to pay check to pay check gets real old real fast. For example, this week I'm not even getting paid 'til Monday and it's going to be REAL tight (since I was working one less day for the past month, that threw me off a bit). So, I figure I'm not going to even LOOK at my bank account & whatever is kicked in by overdraft I'll just pay back on Monday. What can you do & it's just too much (emotionally) for me to even think about...

And, with X. - well - as my shrink says "he's not ever going to change - you just have to figure out how to manage with him." And she's right. He hasn't made the kids a proper lunch since they've stayed with him - and maybe I just need to suck it up. On the one hand I feel like I give in to him for so many things... and that was so much of our relationship - my giving in just to keep the peace... and how much of myself did I lose in the process? But then I think is this worth the battle... (Of course, my shrink offered NO advice on that, being the traditionalist that she is...)

Spoke with EX today. He's in the states w/his kids for vacation - going back to Israel later today. (Lives in Haifa & I was a bit freaked out for him - his kids - but he said they & his X would be out of town there for a while...) He asked about X & I told him about this new thing w/X saying how he can't take the kids some nights 'cause he has a "corporate" job & some times has to work late. EX is pretty much as "corporate" as it comes (although "corporate" in other countries is much more relaxed than here) & he sees his kids sometimes 4 nights a week. He said if he's late he just has the sitter stay. (It was strange talking to him - want to talk about the elephant in the room - he doesn't want to talk about new boyfriends/girlfriends... and since that's such a big part of my life now... it was just strange not to talk about it. And not ask him about his.. Makes me seriously wonder/doubt if a friendship can continue - how can it if we don't talk about our lives...? But we'll see. Not such a huge issue in my life.)

Spoke to Max's X sitter today. She had called about two weeks ago: "... Don't know if you're talking to me or not, but really like to know how the boys are doing at camp... Could you please do me the favor of calling me back & letting me know?" So, it took me two weeks... but I felt too guilty not calling her back. Now I'm kinda sorry I did. She was so overly effusively grateful that it kinda gave me the heebies. THEN, when I came home today there was a message on the machine - from her - thanking me. Oy. What have I done?

But it's ok. I'm still Happy. (Except that I can't upload the really cute picture of Mr. Happy...)

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