That's a nice light one, dontcha think?
So I've been going out w/J for about a year and a half... actually well heck - nearly two years! The whole thing has actually been a wonder to me. A wonder. It's been a year and a half (nearly two years!) of real learning.
I learned, first of all, that I was never in love with X. It's a strange thing to come to terms with, seeing as how I did marry the man and have two children with him... I mean, I thought I was in love with him. I remember thinking: "I want to be with him. I cannot live without him." But it was not love. Perhaps it was possession? Perhaps it was fear of being alone? Perhaps it was years of learning how to date, to flirt, to trying to find a guy in the tough NYC market... finding one and thinking: "Ok, he's cute, he's smart, we click and he's not like the others..." Most likely, like most things, it's a combination of all of that with a few other random neurosis, insecurities, fantasies, etc, etc thrown in for good measure.
But now. First there was the overwhelming feeling. The happiness. The "This Man Is Perfect." The "Nobody Has Ever Felt This Way Before." The "Ok, Maybe You've Been in Love Before, But it's Never Been as Perfect as This." (Jeez, aren't I insufferably smug?)
And now it's changing some more. And I notice it because I know that I was not in love the first time, so I am aware of all the feelings this time. I am hyper aware. Like this is a study I am a part of. (I'm such a romantic!) I notice that when we do things for each other... how the feeling changes. Deepens. Trust gets built. Connections tighten. We argue. We talk. We resolve. We get past it, and another connection gets built. It's alive. It's organic. It's a flowing, changing thing.... this love.
I never knew.
I remember when Nathan was born, and I held him, I had a set of emotions already there. The package. Love. I could feel it. I had gained it through Max, and there it was... ready for Nathan. It was a strange, palpable feeling. Here he is. Here is this Love. I learned a type of love, the maternal love, through Max... even though I loved him right from the start... it was a seed. It grew.
Siiiggghhh..... I don't know. I don't know what the point of all this is... (this post. Nothing deeper than that, folks - just referring to the post!) as often happens with this blog most of this is really just random brain spew. Stuff circulating around in there... looking for some sort of release. But it's good. I'm lucky. I'm happy. It's good.
And oh - for those who are following along... I kept the orange wrap. It's sooooo luxurious... I have officially become a cashmere snob. That's it. Only cashmere for me.
5 days ago