Saturday, January 12, 2008

Ok. So Maybe I'm Torturing Myself...

I found this whole box labeled: "Cards, faxes, emails" and opened it up. Found this whole part of cards from X. From when we were dating. I wish I could really express what sort of feelings this brings up in me. It's kind of a combination of numbness, remembering, sadness - but not a sadness that we're no longer together.. more of like a nostalgic sadness... like where did that time go?

A smattering of the cards. The first one: kinda telling. "I admire the way in which you have made an effort to eat salads and walk home - over the past few weeks your discipline has been excellent. The results of course have been the attractive body that will be accompanying me to the Bar Mitzvah. You look absolutely stunning in that outfit and I will most proud to be with you. (As always.) Keep it up, sexy."

You know. I feel like 90% of my relationship with him was about how I looked. It's so sick. He was NOT always most proud to be with me. He once told me he didn't want to go into a pizza shop because he didn't want the cute girl there to see him with me. (I must've told this story about 30 million times. I will never ever forget it.)

So ok. So I guess another emotion that these cards are bringing up is the anger. The sadness. The disbelief that he did love me. I know he did. He's just... well... ill, I guess. He would buy me cards & tape them to my front door - before we lived together.

A Valentine's Card: "Well it's not the kind of valentines day you would find in a Hollywood movie. However the card tells the story. I love you very very much. I apologize for sometimes taking you for granted. Maybe the excuse that "I'm going through a difficult time" is starting to wear a little thin. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this evening. Your boyfriend..." Can you imagine? He was sending me this when we were dating. Hello?!? Red flag?!? Taking me for granted and we were probably dating just about a year at that point!

Ok. Last one. I promise. "6 wonderful months that have gone by so quickly. Who knows how many more months there will be. Maybe many?! Or more than many?! Maybe years?! Lots of love..."

Gah! Is this good to do this? Therapeutic? Or is it warped? Masochistic?! I keep trying to find some sort of feeling.. and I don't really know what. I think the love. And it makes me sad that I can't. But I do know that it's definitely time to stop.


Tracy said...

I literally cringed while I was reading this!!

You should be doing the happy dance all over your apartment that you are rid of him!!!!

No regrets, no wistful thinking... just pure, unadulterated JOY that he is no longer your husband!!!!!

Asshole... argh.

Family Adventure said...

This post and the one before...Alm, I think I am starting to get a better picture of just how sick this man really is. Wow!

I think it's normal for you to grieve/be sad/have regrets. You had high hopes and they were crushed. are so much better off being without X. You are free now, to be your own person. Without lipstick. To stand how you please.

You have a lot to be proud of, girl! You've come so far. I hope you're able to throw those letters by the wayside, and look forward.


Kate said...

All I can say is thank goodness you ditched the loser when you did. Sending you a big pick you up hug.

Julie Pippert said...

Oh Alm, I can imagine the mixed emotions. In fact, my heart broke a little for you reading those and rejoiced to know you are away from that and happy in a good life now.

We all have hopes and disappointments and things turn out other than we hope, and know we are different people now than 10 years ago and will be different in 10 years too. are great.

Tracy said...

Calmer now... not so many exclamation points...

But wow... reading the stuff that he wrote to you... Having been there with someone similar, I know it's painful to look back and try to comprehend that you were in a relationship with this person.... and it hurts to deal with the fact that things didn't go how you had planned.

However, you have someone wonderful now -- I say turn your back on that crap in the past, focus on the positive in the present and the future and be so very thankful that you aren't still "there!"