This has been floating around in my mind for a week or so... so I figure I gotta process it.
In the past six months or so I've put on about.. oh... 7 pounds. Which in and of itself is not so bad... but on top of the oh... 7 pounds or so I already had to loose -- and the fact that I'm pretty small... well. It's a lot. For me. None of my clothes fit. I'm wearing the same outfits all the time. I'm not happy.
But here's the thing. The other day I caught myself. Naked. In the mirror. I have not looked at myself naked in a while. I just have not wanted to. And I saw myself. And I stopped. And I was like: "Hey, that looks like one of those Renaissance nudes. This body... it looks... beautiful." And I quickly stepped away. And I went back. And looked again. And reaffirmed.
You know.. it's not at all skinny... it's like... voluptuous - a little stomach, hips, big thighs.... No rolls or anything.. not "obese" and actually a bit of muscle tone. (And not that there's anything wrong with either of these... rolls, being obese... I'm just kinda trying to process what I thought I looked like in my mind... and the reality of it...) It was not a nude that you see in magazines... but it was a classic nude body.
so I'm taking this information and trying to figure this whole thing out. Why can't I just be happy with that? Why am I so miserable every time I try something on? And WHY am I freaking out about the idea of a bathing suit this summer!
It's funny (not funny ha-ha - but funny weird, strange, upsetting) how society sets this standard of how we're supposed to look in clothes. And here in NYC -- how people dress up & dress high fashion. Most people. Or have that "hip" way of dressing, with the tight t-shirts & the jeans...
I could wear a tight t-shirt - but my stomach would stick out. Why is that bad? It's not a bad stomach? Why do I get so upset when I see it sticking out? Why do I end up wearing bigger clothes, that hide everything? Why do I want to wear a tight t-shirt if it's not the look for me?
Ugh. I have no answers to this. And of course I've started another month of nutri-system. Last time was a bust -- with Max's stomach aches & my comfort eating... With this peri-menopause setting in (and I have to believe that's what this is...) my metabolism is SHOT. S.H.O.T. I've never been like this before, I"m usually able to loose pretty quickly.... but not this time. I'm thinking of investing in an exercise bike (yeah, me and my trust fund) - because I never have time to go to a gym, go for a run.... (And don't say I could be doing exercise instead of doing this! I know that! I have to figure out a new schedule for myself...)
But. So. Anyhow. I don't know. This whole thing is just really thought provoking to me. How I see my body. How I dress my body. How my body is REALLY....
And now for some more matzoh and cream cheese.