So today is Yom Kippur. My family are at synagogue & I am home. I did not fast. I woke up with the migraine from hell. I'm taking the three month birth control... so you get your period once every three months... EXCEPT they forget to tell you that when you get it... well... I don't want to venture into TMI... but suffice to say I'm not sure if the every three month deal is really worth it.
BUT - Yom Kippur is supposed to be about forgiveness. So I've been thinking about this a lot. You know, I've never done anything I've ever regretted. You know, when I was "younger" it was always "no regrets." Sure I've done things I feel a bit uncomfortable about -- that were poor judgement -- but never anything that I've ever really just not been able to get over. To forgive myself for.
Except, for what happened this summer. With my client. With the video. You know, a holiday like this brings on some soul searching... and I'm really realizing how big this was. With me. For me. To me. And who do I ask for forgiveness? The woman? She doesn't know. She doesn't realize. My colleagues? You know, they've pretty much forgiven me. And the ones who haven't... well... you know -- I was just remembering another former colleague of ours. She had been fired for stealing money from a client. I remember people -- co workers talking about her. Bad mouthing her. I said to them: "You know, she was a friend. We don't know her side. We don't know what drove her to do this. We shouldn't put her down until we really know. We don't have to agree with what she did -- but this was out of character & we shouldn't bad mouth her so..."
Well, the people I know who are not "nice" to me now -- are the same ones then. So I know I shouldn't be surprised.
And my supervisors... well... I don't know. I just don't know.
But ultimately -- I know -- I have to forgive myself. But it's so huge... this. And today, in synagogue... talking about forgiving - and I feel my eyes tear up. A rabbi sends an email. It says: 1) Acknowledge the sin and apologize.
2) Repair the damage or compensate the victim.
3) Don’t repeat the offense in the same or similar situation
1) I do. 2) I can't. 3) I won't.
I ask my therapist -- how long do you think before I get over this? She says: "Getting fired is hard enough to get over... this is a bit more. Give it time." And I understand what she says.
Gone To Ground
1 week ago