So today is Yom Kippur. My family are at synagogue & I am home. I did not fast. I woke up with the migraine from hell. I'm taking the three month birth control... so you get your period once every three months... EXCEPT they forget to tell you that when you get it... well... I don't want to venture into TMI... but suffice to say I'm not sure if the every three month deal is really worth it.
BUT - Yom Kippur is supposed to be about forgiveness. So I've been thinking about this a lot. You know, I've never done anything I've ever regretted. You know, when I was "younger" it was always "no regrets." Sure I've done things I feel a bit uncomfortable about -- that were poor judgement -- but never anything that I've ever really just not been able to get over. To forgive myself for.
Except, for what happened this summer. With my client. With the video. You know, a holiday like this brings on some soul searching... and I'm really realizing how big this was. With me. For me. To me. And who do I ask for forgiveness? The woman? She doesn't know. She doesn't realize. My colleagues? You know, they've pretty much forgiven me. And the ones who haven't... well... you know -- I was just remembering another former colleague of ours. She had been fired for stealing money from a client. I remember people -- co workers talking about her. Bad mouthing her. I said to them: "You know, she was a friend. We don't know her side. We don't know what drove her to do this. We shouldn't put her down until we really know. We don't have to agree with what she did -- but this was out of character & we shouldn't bad mouth her so..."
Well, the people I know who are not "nice" to me now -- are the same ones then. So I know I shouldn't be surprised.
And my supervisors... well... I don't know. I just don't know.
But ultimately -- I know -- I have to forgive myself. But it's so huge... this. And today, in synagogue... talking about forgiving - and I feel my eyes tear up. A rabbi sends an email. It says: 1) Acknowledge the sin and apologize.
2) Repair the damage or compensate the victim.
3) Don’t repeat the offense in the same or similar situation
1) I do. 2) I can't. 3) I won't.
But still.
I ask my therapist -- how long do you think before I get over this? She says: "Getting fired is hard enough to get over... this is a bit more. Give it time." And I understand what she says.
But still.
April 1st
8 months ago
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4 comments:
That's hard. Last week my friend Nora of nonlineargirl was talking about this tradition of sending things away on the water that was just so lovely (http://www.nonlineargirl.com/2008/09/drop-me-in-water.html.) Can you do some kind of symbolic act like this that will help? I don't know if you work like that, if ceremony makes something feel more real, but I guess it's something to consider.
Just random thoughts...
So, maybe there will never be any way to really "fix" what happened, and of course you've vowed to never let it happen again. So maybe just taking that and putting that energy toward your new job is enough. Like Gwen said, maybe something symbolic. Going that one step further for someone you come across could be a way of easing some of the guilt that you're still feeling.
Karma, baby...
L
It goes back to What Was Your Intent. Of course you know you did not intend to hurt someone. What harm was really done? The way I see it Nothing. But the rules say you shouldn't have done it and you have paid for it. Case Closed.
Now getting over it will be when you forgive yourself and that is something only you can do. You will dish out the punishment to yourself over and over until you realize it is useless to beat yourself up for this.
That will be $100. Thanks, Dr.Waldo
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