Monday, October 02, 2006

Quiet Contemplation & a big, big mouth.

So today is Yom Kippur. The holiest day of the Jewish year, a day where we fast, ask G-d for forgiveness, and just kinda sit with ourselves & think.

I, of course, was outside with the kids for much of it (it being the synogogue service). THey would not go to the "kids" room - so after the family service and sitting in the "big people's service" for about 1/2 hr - we went outside.

The problem about fasting with kids... is imagine if you might generally have a short fuse... Right. THen think of that with no food. Uh huh. Yup. Just like that.

I've spent most of the day today sleeping - it's the best way to get through it. But I have to say, I do think it's something everybody should do: go through one day without food or drink. It won't kill you, but it sure as shit will make you realize how it feels (on a small, small scale) to go hungry. And to go hungry and NOT have the luxury to sleep. I simply cannot imagine doing anything even slightly more taxing than this...

So, I told you all about most of my week last week - but didn't talk about Friday night. I went out w/J on Friday. Now, I don't know if you've picked this up - but J and I have gone out for nearly seven months and have not had ONE fight. That's right. Not a one. I wouldn't say Friday was a fight... it wasn't. But it was intense.

It started by my asking if he wanted to come pumpkin picking with the kids & I. ANd my parents. ANd he could bring his daughter, if he wanted.

Then it just opened up this whole thing about him telling his kids about me... and me... well... me just being so darn impatient for this to be... I don't know what. But to be. I love being with him so much - I feel so good when I'm with him -- that as I actually explained it to him - that he's become an addiction! Must. Have. More. Must. Have. Unfettered Access. (Like that word? Unfettered? Not often I get to use that word. I'd like to thank J for giving me the opportunity!) :)

And you wanna know the kind of freaky thing?!? Much of the "stuff" that came out of me was stuff that had been lurking in the back of my brain.. you know, the stuff you think of to yourself -- but say: "It's ok that I think this to myself. But it should only be to myself. Not for the general public." Yep. That sort of stuff. It came out. How does that happen? I mean, it was stuff that I had thought through and negated. To myself. But all of a sudden: poof! There it was! Out on the table! Ack!! WHERE ARE MY FILTERS?!?!?

So so totally my bad. The poor guy has more than enough to deal with - moving out of a house and a relationship that was twice as long (and probably much better)than mine, kids that are older that require a different sort of handling, and having to negotiate his new living and custody arrangements. Not a pack of easy stuff.

Then to have me in the background... "well, you should tell them soon!" ANd part of it was for him - and them - to have ample processing time. And part of it was purely and simply me - thinking of me.

Don't worry. I'm not going to totally beat myself up over it. I am only human, after all. (Maybe it was a reaction to spending my entire day running around thinking not at all of myself (and my aching feet) and getting rent money for a client...) And I did appologize. And we did talk it out.

But still, it sucked to have stressed him out even more, and it sucked to have that kinda tense feeling that we hadn't yet experienced (that yes, yes, I know we will....)

But, kinda nice to have the fight "test run" to see how it goes... And I suppose... also... kinda good to have all the stuff outta my head... (more room for all the other crap!)

1 comment:

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