Monday, July 16, 2007

Poor poor miserable me...

Today. Again. Miserable and teary. (Note: Started this yesterday. Haven't gotten through today yet!)

I don't think I've ever felt like this. Just sad. Teary and sad. No anxiety, just overwhelming sadness. In analyzing and hyper analyzing it ('cause that's what I do. It's how I like to spend my free time.) I think that J not being able to spend as much time with me because his daughter has moved in with him (as of last week), and the whole "discussion with my parents" (see previous post) -- has left me feeling abandoned. Abandoned and alone. I can't count on my family, and now I won't be seeing him as often...

As I read what I wrote I just feel so.... pathetic. So feeling sorry for myself. But - I can't help it.

I was alone for so long, now I have this great person in my life. I enjoy being with him, I enjoy being with his kids, my kids enjoy being with him, and totally love being with his kids -- plus having him here - in my house - on a normal day with the kids is just amazing. Not feeling that alone-ness. Having that all important extra pair of hands..

And it's where he has to be now. I know that. If he said he was coming over tomorrow I'd say "Don't you think you should stay home? Make sure R feels comfortable there? Gets settled?"

But isn't that just such a large part of life? Learning to negotiate your feelings/needs in relation to others?

It just... well... Ok. It sucks.

And my dad called yesterday to see how the kids' trip to Lake George w?X went. I gave the kids the phone & then hung up right after they're done. I'm angry at him (which could also be part of this feeling I'm feeling) and couldn't talk. Going to have to at some point, I know -- but I also know it will really open up a whole "thing" and not sure I really feel like going there...

It's interesting - my uncle who was with us for dinner Friday night is a psychoanalyst. When we (my parents and I) were arguing & J was attempting to get us to stop ("So, how about those Mets?") they started talking about the virtues of continuing an argument or just moving on. My Uncle said how he felt it's better to continue... and seeing how I'm feeling now ("seeing how I'm feeling now?" See, that's why you read this blog! For the great writing!!) I think he has a point. I'd probably feel much better & more settled if we did.

For now I'm going to have to get through today (it's Tuesday now - started this on Monday) and talk it all out w/my shrink tomorrow...

At least I'm getting my money's worth.

1 comment:

slouching mom said...

Hey -- I'm sorry it's rough right now. Hope it lifts soon. Maybe talking with him will help?