So I talked to him yesterday. I went to my shrink in the morning, started crying again & was like WTF! What is going on!?
She said that sometimes therapy stirs up emotions. Stirs up things from the past that are unresolved. (Oh great. I have seven years of un-expressed, unresolved stuff!) And that sometimes this happens as the feelings come out. As they are triggered by stuff that happens now.
I asked when it would stop. She said once I get everything out. So I figured F this - I'm not spending more time feeling bad. So when I got to work I emailed J. We have to talk. Soon. I wanted any of the feelings I had. Anything that was bothering me OUT before the weekend. I wasn't going to go through another one. Plus, I mean, I was such a bitch on wheels...so aggravated by everything! I don't want to subject everybody to that. I want to have a good fun weekend!
So we talked. I told him about how alone I felt when he didn't come during the week (which was also triggered by the Wallerstein book I wrote about below. Needing somebody there, to validate you, to help you...) How I had come to really depend on those visits. Etc, etc, etc.
I felt silly telling him this. Feeling so needy. You know, we're kind of conditioned to feel like: "I can do this on my own! I'm a strong, independent woman!" And I felt like - I'm seeing him pretty much every weekend! What's the big deal! Deal with not seeing him during the week! Be strong! But ultimately I couldn't. Ultmately that weekly visit really just meant more than "seeing" him. It was the presence of caring, love, support, assistance, laughs, company.... and I needed it. I need it. And I have to stop feeling "selfish" for talking about things that I need. If I need it, then it's not silly.
And you know, I told him -- not with the purpose of having him come over - but just with the purpose of getting it out. But he said: "We will come over. I will come with R. And the dog. And we will come over."
I have no words.
1 week ago