Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Oh, the Horror

Today was, at the risk of being overdramatic - a horrible day. I woke up with a START at 5:00 am, from a dream where I was at my Monday/Friday job (which I don't particularly like) and was being told - again - that I've made a mistake.

This job is ok, but my supervisor has managed, from day one, to find everything I do wrong - but not ever notice anything that I do right. And more than that - if she asks me to send out an email for her & it's not in her style then it's wrong. And I know, I have a very informal style. But an example - she asked how I addresssed an email sent out to a committee - I said "Well, I wrote 'Dear Committee Members," She says - "that's too formal." She decides to address it: "Dear Healthcare Committee Members."


It's gotten to the point where I really feel picked on - and am starting to make mistakes because I'm so out of joint when I'm there.

The position ends end of June - and I've already interviewed for another (Friday) & they pretty much told me that they just have to check my references & that's it.

So what's the problem, you ask?

I'm not entirely sure I know. And in the end I've surmised that it's not one thing, but all together. 1) The general anxiety that job makes me feel, 2) that it's going to end soon, 3) that I'm on my own now financially, 4) that even though it's just Tuesday - I haven't heard back from the Friday job interview; 5) I have PMS.

But I tell you, I haven't felt anxiety like this since the past summer - when I had NO job and the X was horriblehorriblehorrible.

I actually cornered one of the social workers I work with - who I'm also friendly with - and just asked her if I could off load a bit to her. I just needed to talk out some of the anxiety. It helped. What was off-putting is I'm ususally able to get myself through this sort of stuff... so that it'll go away after a bit -- but today it was just relentless.

She was great. (She's actually a great therapist - I can tell!) She was like, ummm, Amy - you ARE going through a lot now... so don't feel like you need to explain these feelings... And it's true - lots of things at once. And the PMS. But it helped me to normalize it a bit. And to talk.

Think I'm just gonna confront it head on w/the boss at the hated job - because my work load has also dwindled down to almost nothing - so I'm sure they're gonna tell me soon that the position's over. I feel like if I bring it up first, it kinda puts me back in the power position. A little more in control.

And now I"m babbling. But it's my blog, I can babble if I want to! Also, I needed another off-load before I went to sleep. My mind's just too heavy.

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